


asking polite with a gun in your hand

by lostariels



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mob, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Violence, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Murder, Organized Crime, Roommates, Slow Burn, Supercorp endgame, Unrequited Love, Violence, teen mom - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-07-17 20:54:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 247,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16103615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostariels/pseuds/lostariels
Summary: When the teenage daughter of National City's notorious Luthor crime family finds herself with a baby and is promptly kicked out of home, she finds herself taken in by an all too willing to help paramedic, and a feeling of what love and family are really about as the two grow closer.But she can't outrun her family's past forever, and she can't protect all of the people she loves from them, although Lena's determined to try, working with a covert government organisation to finally bring her brother to justice.





	1. Chapter 1

            She came out of the public toilet white as a ghost and trembling all over as she tried to suppress her sobs, a bundle cradled against her chest as she hunched her shoulders against the lashing rain. Tucking the baby inside her coat, she splashed through puddles, the dejected sounds of ducks quacking cutting through the sound of the downpour, and she quickly ran to the car she’d parked on the far side of the park, bypassing the lake, the surface roiling as raindrops disturbed it, and she quickly slid into the driver’s seat. Wiping her sodden hair out of her face, she did her seatbelt up with shaking hands, managing to get the buckle in on the third go, and she cradled the baby in the crook of her arm as she steered out into traffic with one hand.

 

            Carefully merging with the city traffic as she made towards the city centre, she kept casting quick glances down at the baby, a jolt running through her when she caught a glimpse of dark eyes staring back up at her at one point. Her whole body was numb with shock, and she quietly sobbed the whole way back to the house she shared with her mom, her heart pounding in her chest as she shifted uncomfortably in her wet trousers, wondering how she was going to explain it. As the stretch of brownstones came into sight, Lena pulled up outside the three that had been connected to form her home, and all but stumbled out onto the sidewalk, her legs weak beneath her as she rushed up to the door with the bundle in her arms. She couldn’t even get the key in the lock, and it took her five minutes of fumbling before she let herself into the warmth of the entryway.

 

            Her shoes squeaked on the polished wooden floor, and she fell back against the door as the heat of the house washed over her, and the baby started to cry. It was the piercing sound of the cries that summoned her mother without a word, and Lena looked up at the appearance of the tall, middle-aged woman at the top of the double staircase, a flicker of surprise crossing her stern face as she rushed down the stairs to greet her daughter. The smell of expensive wood and vanilla washed over Lena, and the empty feeling of the place she called home seemed suddenly less welcoming than usual as her mother bore down on her in a fury.

 

            “Who’s baby is _that?”_ she demanded, a look of distaste on her face as she neared her daughter.

 

            “She- she’s mine,” Lena stammered, her voice cracking as her eyes flooded with tears.

 

            Her mom paused for a moment, looking taken aback by the admission, before her face harded. “What?”

 

            “She’s mine.”

 

            “No,” Lillian firmly said, her eyes flashing with anger, “no. You will _not_ ruin your life like this. Give it to me.” At her mother’s beckoning, Lena shrank back against the door, clutching the baby tighter to herself in panic. “Lena, give it to me.”

 

            “No.”

 

            “You are _not_ keeping it,” Lillian snarled, taking a threatening step forward. “I will not have this family’s reputation tarnished by you. I can’t believe you _hid_ this from me. You will give it to me _right now_.”

 

            “I won’t,” Lena croaked, stubbornly jutting her chin forward as she met her mom’s hard stare.

 

            Lillian spluttered in surprise, her eyebrows rising as she drew back slightly, one hand pressed against her chest as she looked at her daughter with contempt. “You always were a disappointment,” she sniffed, “but I never took you for a whore. You’ve brought ruin to yourself, and I won’t let you tarnish our family name with your mistakes any longer. Get out. Get _out_ of this house, and don’t come back.”

 

            A flicker of anger burned deep inside Lena, and she strode past her mom with stubborn determination, quickly hurrying upstairs as she took the squalling baby with her. Bursting into her bedroom on the third floor, she set the baby down on the bed, watching her flail with her tiny fists stretched out, and she rummaged around beneath her bed for an expensive leather duffel bag. Her mom followed her upstairs, bursting into the room with a cold look of anger on her face, continuing her ranting as Lena grabbed handfuls of clothes from inside her dresser, before making her way towards the armoire and rifling through the more casual clothes she owned, tearing anything of use off the hangers and shoving them into the bag.

 

            Her mom’s words fell on deaf ears, but the occasional word hit home. _Whore. Slut. Bastard. Skank._ Lena flinched every time, continuing her whirlwind of packing, grabbing handfuls of jewelry, wads of cash, resisting the urge to grab the silver pistol hidden in her nightstand, and setting the framed photo of her and her brother facedown as she passed it by on the large desk. The room was overflowing with wealth, the very foundations of the room oozing old money and luxury, from the mahogany wainscotting to the gold chandelier, the crown molding and the antique furniture, and Lena tried to be brave as she reminded herself of what she was about to give up. She had spent her whole life raised in that luxury, everything at the snap of her fingers, whether it be a few thugs to beat up a bully's older brother for her, or an obscene amount of money for a gala she wanted to attend, with young suitors clamouring to fawn over the underage heiress to part of the Luthor family fortune.

 

            “And what about Yale? What about the family business?” Lillian furiously asked, “does loyalty mean _nothing_ to you?”

 

            “I’m not _you_ ,” Lena snapped, “I don’t _want_ to be in the family business. I don’t _want_ to be a part of this family. She _needs_ me. She needs me and I can’t just- I can’t leave her.”

 

            “Your father is rolling in his grave at this,” Lillian snarled, “his little girl, nothing more that a slut. He would put a bullet in the boy that got you knocked up if he could. How disappointed he’d be.”

 

            Lena zipped the bursting duffel bag up with trembling fingers, swallowing the lump in her throat as she tried to hush the crying baby, wrapping her tighter in the sweater as she picked her up in her arms. She looked at Lillian with tears in her eyes, a cold look on her face as she stared at the woman who had raised her, feeling no stirrings of warmth inside, and realising that she was resolute in her decision; she wouldn’t let down her daughter the way her own mother had let her down. She _had_ to do this. She couldn’t just give her away.

 

            “Yeah, well, dad’s dead,” Lena flatly said, “and I’m not one of you.”

 

            “Oh you stupid little girl,” Lillian laughed, the sound devoid of any humour as she watched her daughter with cold anger glinting in her eyes. The sound of laughter died on her lips, and her voice took on a frosty tone as she gave her a haughty look. “Go on then. Go. You’ve always been desperate to escape this life. Let’s see how well you do without your family. Without our name. You can’t outrun your past. You think that you can do this? You’re wrong; you’ll ruin that little girl. Go on … go. Get out, and don’t come back.”

 

            She brushed past her mom, listening to her words follow her as her feet pounded on the thickly carpeted staircase, ignoring the hulking men lurking about as she plunged back out into the cold night. The neat street looked the same as ever, the expensive houses glowing with yellow light spilling out of the windows, a few cars belonging to her mother’s goons parked at intervals along the street, the streetlights casting halos of light over the sidewalk. As she walked down the sidewalk, head bowed against the rain, and baby tucked safely inside her coat, she shivered, the wind snapping branches and rustling the leaves of the perfectly trimmed trees lining the street, and she watched puddles form, reflecting the lights as she hurried down the street. No one came after her, like they had all the other times she tried to run away, and she knew that her mom had meant what she’d said. There was no room for a teen mom in her family. Their pride wouldn’t be able to stand it. If she’d known, if her _mom_ had known, Lena knew she would’ve found herself at the clinic, or at the altar, and she shuddered at the thought of what her mom would’ve forced her into. At least this way, she had made her own decision.

 

            As she walked through, moving through the rich districts of National City, with expensive cars and extravagant houses at every turn, she began to think that perhaps she had been rash in her decision though. She didn’t know _how_ to be a mom. Yet the warm bundle inside her coat kept her putting one foot in front of the other, braving the rain as the inner city wealth of department stores, high end bars, and expensive restaurants turned into the general hubbub of the city. She stopped at the first drugstore she found, buying a pack of diapers, a tin of baby formula and a bottle, pulling a handful of bills out of her bag and shoving everything in, before she walked a few more blocks, leaving behind the bright inner city lights, and walked into the first decent diner she found.

 

            The lights were welcoming, and was hit by the smell of coffee and frying bacon as soon as she stepped inside. Ordering a coffee with a few coins from her change, she hesitantly asked for a bathroom, carrying her bag and the baby through to the door the young man had pointed to, and puzzled through her first diaper change. Drenched and shaking from the tumultuous shock of the series of events over the past hour, Lena made her way to an empty booth and collapsed down onto the vinyl seat, dumping her bag down beside her and holding the swaddled baby in her arms. The waiter brought her coffee over to her table, casting her a mild look of concern, before he went to clear another table.

 

            She stared there for half an hour, nursing her coffee and the baby, wondering how often she would need to feed the baby, wondering if the baby was okay after the surprising birth, if she ought to take her to a hospital, although her mom had no doubt cancelled her health cover already, being as vindictive as she was. A dozen concerns crossed Lena’s mind as she sat there. She had no home, no car, not even a person she could trust, and her bottom lip trembled as she realised just how alone she was. She was still wallowing in her misery and worry when the door opened again, letting in another customer. A tall paramedic, carrying her kit after what looked like the end of a long shift.

 

            “Hey Winn,” the cheery paramedic called out, leaning across the counter to wave at the young guy behind the coffee machine.

 

            “Kara,” Winn, presumably, called back over the hissing sound of the machine as he steamed some milk, “the usual?”

 

            “Yeah, thanks. I’ll be in the booth.”

 

            Lena glanced over at the woman, having nothing else to focus her attention on, realising that she was young, dressed in a pressed navy shirt tucked into matching cargo pants, a patch on one shoulder and a gold badge on her chest marking her as a National City EMT. Her blonde hair was scraped back into a bun, and she gave Lena a warm smile as she took a seat in the booth across the aisle from her, her blue eyes crinkling at the corners. Looking away from her, Lena reached for her cooling coffee, her hand shaking as she raised the cup to her lips and took a sip.

 

            She was freezing in her wet clothes, her damp hair plastered to her skin, and she pushed the edge of the sweatshirt the baby was swaddled in down to reveal the tanned face, dark lashes dusting round cheeks as she slept. Lena tenderly stroked the dark, matted hair, her throat seeming to close up as she was overcome with emotion. Her mom’s words came rushing back to her, and panic seized her heart as she thought about raising a baby by herself. A few hours ago, that hadn’t even been a concern of hers, but in a shocking turn of events, she found herself with a little girl, no home, and no money.

 

            “Yours?”

 

            Blinking slowly in surprise, Lena turned to look at the blonde woman leaning across the booth, a friendly smile on her face as she looked at the bundle Lena was cradling. There was a moment of silence, before Lena realised that she was expecting a reply, and she swallowed the lump in her throat, giving the woman a terse nod. Although the young woman looked friendly enough, Lena instinctively hugged her daughter closer to her chest, feeling fiercely protective of her.

 

            “Boy or girl?”

 

            “Girl,” Lena hoarsely whispered.

 

            “Cute. How old is she?”

 

            Pausing for a moment, Lena looked down at the little face, tiny pouty lips parted and two faint eyebrows giving the baby a serious look even in sleep. She wasn’t sure how to reply without arousing suspicion, but she knew that she couldn’t lie to someone and say that she was older than she was; there was still blood and stuff Lena would rather not think about dried to the baby’s skin, and anyone, let alone a paramedic, would be able to tell that she was newborn.

 

            “About two hours.”

 

            “Two hou- are you serious?” the paramedic quietly exclaimed, rising to her feet in one fluid motion and stepping across the aisle. Without waiting to ask, she slid onto the bench beside Lena, reaching out to brush back the edge of the sweatshirt and look down at the sleeping figure. “You should still be in hospital.”

 

            “No,” Lena mumbled, numbly shaking her head as a shiver ran through her, “I didn’t go- I didn’t know.”

 

            The blonde’s eyebrows rose in surprise as she looked at Lena with wide eyes. “You didn’t know you were pregnant?”

 

            “It can happen,” Lena defensively muttered, recalling a TV series she’d once watched on the medical channel.

 

            The paramedic let out a quick laugh, and Lena looked up to catch a wry smile on her lips. “Oh believe me, I know. My first shift as a paramedic, we had this fourteen year old girl, skinny little thing, complaining of abdominal pains. Well, I’m not sure if it was more of a surprise for her, her mother or me and my mentor when she gave birth in the back of the ambulance. Never would’ve guessed just by looking at her, but, well, sure enough, a baby came out of her.”

 

            Lena choked on a laugh, brushing her damp hair out of her face, feeling a little bit better at the lighthearted tone the other girl had taken as she told her story. Still, the laugh was gone just as quickly as it had come, and she sniffed as she blinked back tears that came out of nowhere.

 

            “What’s your name?” the woman gently asked.

 

            “Lena.”

 

            “I’m Kara. And how old are you, Lena?”

 

            “Eighteen.”

 

            Her voice shook as she replied, with the sudden fear that she was about to have her baby taken off her making her hold her tighter. She was young - too young to know how to raise a baby she’d had no time to prepare for - and she didn’t exactly look like she was _okay_.

 

            “And you didn’t give birth in a hospital?” At the shake of Lena’s head, she continued. “You didn’t go and get a check up afterwards? For you or the baby?” Lena shook her head again, her cheeks turning pink as ducked her head. “Do you mind if I take a look at her? Make sure she’s okay? It’s a cold night, and she really shouldn’t be outside. Neither of you should.”

 

            It was with some difficulty that Lena relinquished her hold on the baby to Kara, watching as she carefully cradled her in her hands, supporting her head and smiling as the baby squirmed slightly. A small cry escaped the tiny lips as the tanned face screwed up, and Kara quietly laughed as she crooned soothing things to the baby, while Lena watched with wary interest.

 

            “You cut the cord yourself?”

 

            Blinking, Lena turned her attention from the baby to the paramedic, hesitantly nodding as she watched Kara inspect the baby, the neatly severed umbilical cord protruding from the baby’s stomach, above the waistband of one of the diapers Lena had bought at the drugstore. She hadn’t been able to find her any clothes, and she nervously watched Kara give her a once over, watching goosebumps ripple across her delicate skin.

 

            “She seems fine,” Kara murmured, a look of concentration on her face as she carefully took the baby’s pulse at the wrist, before her blue eyes flickered up to meet Lena’s stare. “And you? You feel okay?”

 

            “Fine.”

 

            She watched as Kara’s eyes moved to the bulging duffel bag on the seat next to Lena, holding everything she’d managed to hastily pack, before Lillian had kicked her out of the house with strict orders not to come back. When she met Lena’s eyes again, a sheepish smile crossed her face, and she gave her a pitying look.

 

            “Do you, uh, do you have somewhere to stay?”

 

            “My mom kicked me out,” Lena whispered, too afraid to speak any louder because she knew her voice would crack. As it was, she could feel hot tears fill her eyes, and she looked down at her lap, curling her cold hands into fists as she hunched her shoulders.

 

            “The dad?”

 

            Shaking her head, Lena swallowed the lump in her throat, her cheeks burning red with embarrassment. “I don’t know who he is.”

 

            “Oh … okay.”

 

            They were interrupted by the arrival of the barista, and he looked mildly surprised to see the paramedic sitting with the drenched teenage mother, but didn’t comment on it as he set a coffee and a donut down on the table, wiping away a few stray crumbs, before tucking the cloth into the pocket of his apron and walking away. Kara called her thanks after him, still cradling the baby in her arms. Lena reached out for her as Kara tried to clumsily break her donut in half, and she gave Lena an easy smile as she handed her back over, much to Lena’s relief.

 

            Sitting in silence for a few moments, Lena looked up from the face of the baby, already back asleep again, to watch a plate slide across the table top as it was nudged towards her. “No thank you, I’m not hungry,” she murmured.

 

            “You should eat something. They’re the best donuts in the city, I might add.”

 

            A laugh of surprise worked its way up Lena’s throat, and she casually tried to rub her eyes with the damp cuff of her coat, before sighing and picking up the half of the donut sitting in front of her. She took a small bite, the sugary taste filling her mouth, and she seemed to sag slightly in her seat, feeling just a little bit comforted by the small acts of kindness of a stranger. She gently nursed the baby as she ate her donut, taking small bites in between sips of bitter coffee, until the tremors faded and her clothes had started to dry, making her somewhat more uncomfortable as her skin started to itch. She had no idea where she was going to go when she left the diner, but it was nice to sit beside someone and be treated like a person for just a few moments, no judgement in Kara’s voice or eyes when she’d spoken. She didn’t even know _who_ Lena was, who her _family_ was, and although things were far from okay, she felt normal for just a few minutes, despite the newborn baby cuddled up in her arms, and her newfound homelessness.

 

            As soon as Kara had finished her coffee and dusted the last crumbs from her lap, she climbed to her feet, lifting a heavy looking red bag with a white cross on it, no doubt filled to bursting with all manners of medical paraphernalia. “Come on,” she said, jerking her head towards the door.

 

            “Excuse me?”

 

            “I know a place where you can crash for a while.”

 

            Hesitating for a moment, Lena slid along the booth, watching Kara reach out and gather their empty cups and plates and carry them over to the counter. She shouted a goodbye to the waiter - Winn, Lena recalled - and then extended a hand for the heavy duffel bag Lena carried in her free hand, trying to keep the sleeping baby comfortably cradled against her chest. Declining the offer of help, she shouldered the bag and was careful not to jostle her daughter as she murmured her thanks to the waiter, who made a quick appearance to wave Kara off, and slipped out into the cold through the door the cheerful paramedic held open for her.

 

            They were quiet as they walked through the night, halos of orange light from streetlights and neon lights in the windows of other diners, bars and restaurants, broke up the night. The smell of pizza made Lena’s stomach quietly growl as she followed the stranger down the sidewalk, trying her best to shelter the baby from the slightly misting rain, her breath visible before her in the air as she silently wondered where they were going. She had enough diamonds and other precious jewels hidden in her bag, along with as much cash as she’d had stashed in her bedroom - enough for her to get by for a while on her own - and she knew there were a few homeless shelters around the city that would be quick to take in a teenage mother and her newborn, but they would all be full at this hour. For now, she’d have to place her trust in someone she’d known for less than an hour, and hope that her baby would be safe.

 

            She didn’t question Kara when she stopped at a bus stop, standing safely beneath the shelter as they tried to stand on a patch of concrete free of litter or broken glass, the wind finding its way beneath the collar of Lena’s coat as she tucked the baby inside, closer against her body, casting wary looks at the homeless man curled up in the corner of the shelter, and the two teenagers listening to loud music as they smoked and muttered amongst themselves. The sound of laughter spilled out of a bar across the street as drunk people lurched out into the cold, and a siren screamed in the distance as they patiently waited for the bus.

 

            Finally one pulled up, and Kara fished some change out of her pocket before Lena could scramble for her own fare, smiling at the driver, before she ushered Lena in ahead of her. They sat side by side on the night bus, the fluorescent lights dimming as the bus pulled away from the curb and they lurched into traffic. The city passed them by in a blur of bright lights, traffic, and muffled noise from inside the relative warmth and safety of the bus as it followed its route. Kara didn’t say much as they passed three stops, and it was another two before she stood, taking Lena by the elbow to help her to her feet as the momentum of the bus made her stumble slightly, and then they were off at the next stop, thanking the driver and finding themselves out in the cold again.

 

            It was quieter in the unfamiliar area of the city they stood in, a far cry from the clean and tidy areas Lena was used to, with the designer stores, upscale restaurants and corporate offices. Instead, it was like the place the diner had sat in, with the cracked sidewalk, overflowing alleyways beside numerous takeaway and fast food joints wedged in side by side, bookstores and coffee shops dark as they closed for the night, and boarded over windows covered in graffiti. They didn’t dwell as they walked down the sidewalk, passing shadows huddled in doorways, and homeless people sitting outside bars, shaking cups as they held signs. If Lena hadn’t grown up in a family like hers, if she’d been an ordinary rich teenager, she suspected she might’ve been somewhat frightened of the shabbier area of the city she was in, but she was too cold, hungry and tired to even consider whether her Luthor name would offer her any kind of protection here. Her mom didn’t want her anymore, and there would be no one coming for her, so she would have to get used to this.

 

            By the time they came to a well lit building, with yellow lights flooding out of a few different windows, Lena’s eyes were gritty and burning with tiredness. It didn’t occur to her that they were at an apartment building until Kara slid a key into the lock and opened the door to the lobby, holding it open to let Lena inside. The entryway was lit by a naked bulb, illuminating at row of mailboxes set into one wall, someone’s bike partially hidden under the stairs, and the staircase disappearing upstairs.

 

            “I know it looks a little shady from the outside, but it’s a pretty safe area,” Kara assured her with a dimpled smile, shoving her key into her pocket and making towards the stairs.

 

            Lena was silent as she followed her up three flights, trying to conceal her laboured breathing by the time she stopped outside the door that Kara was opening, and as she stepped into the clean apartment, decorated in pastels to try and liven up the small space, she realised that it was someone’s apartment. Not a halfway home or a shared housing place for teenage runaways, but a comfy, lived in apartment, with throw pillows, a stack of well read books and a cluster of family photos scattered around the room. One corner of the apartment was partitioned, no doubt hiding a bed from the main living area.

 

            “This is your apartment?” Lena said, lingering uncomfortably in the doorway.

 

            “Yes, make yourself at home,” Kara said, waving her inside as she dropped her medical kit down onto the floor beside the door. “I know it’s a little small, but I only just finished my training, so I’m working on saving for a new place. But it’s clean, and there’s hot water. The couch folds out into a bed too. You’re welcome to stay for a while.”

 

            Eyebrows rising in surprise, Lena opened and closed her mouth a few times, fumbling for something to say as she stared at the paramedic with a bemused look on her face. “But … you don’t even know me.”

 

            “I know,” Kara said, shrugging half heartedly, “but it doesn’t feel right to let you sleep on the streets with a newborn baby. I mean, I don’t get the feeling that you’re going to rob me, so what’s the harm in helping, right?”

 

            She had to fight back a snort of laughter, with the secret knowledge that she had a collection of jewels worth more than the contents of the apartment stuffed into her bag, and stepped inside, closing the door behind herself. “No, I’m not going to rob you,” she quietly agreed.

 

            “You look frozen. Do you want a shower?”

 

            “I’m okay, thank you.”

 

            Kara cracked a nervous smile as she laughed, a trusting look on her face as she arched an eyebrow at Lena. “You can’t sleep in those wet clothes. Come on, give me the baby and go and get yourself sorted out. We’ll be right here when you get out.”

 

            Somewhat reluctantly, Lena produced the sleeping bundle from within her coat and shrugged out of the soggy garment, hanging it up on the rack holding Kara’s own coats, before she hefted her bag and followed Kara through the apartment. “Towels are on the shelf. Give the water a few minutes to heat up properly before you get in.” Lena nodded and watched her for a few moments, gently swaying as she held the sleeping bundle in her arms, before Kara looked up, catching Lena watching her and gave her a bright smile. “I’m great with babies.”

 

            Nodding, Lena watched her disappear, slowly closing the door, before she hurriedly turned the hot water on, stripped off her clothes, and stepped under the stream of freezing water, heedless to Kara’s suggestion. The water had just started to warm when she’d finished washing the suds off her body, and she was almost unwilling to turn it off, but the thought of leaving her daughter with a stranger narrowly beat her desire to warm up beneath the hot water. Shutting off the shower, she stepped out into the frigid cold of the bathroom and wrapped a fluffy towel around herself, rifling through the duffel bag and pulling out the warmest pyjamas she’d packed, the designer labels almost embarrassing in the tiny bathroom in downtown National City. Dressing quickly, shoving her wet clothes back into her bag, she made her way back out into the apartment, finding Kara sitting on the edge of the sofa, which she’d converted into a small bed already. A bundle of blankets and a pillow were neatly set out for Lena, and a laundry basket had been piled high with a nest of clothes, the little baby nestled in amongst them as Kara gave Lena a sheepish look.

 

            “Sorry, I don’t have much in the way of a crib.”

 

            “It’s perfect, thank you,” Lena said, some of the tension fading as she took in the peaceful look on the baby’s face, and feeling slightly foolish at her worrying beforehand.

 

            “No problem,” Kara waved away her thanks. “There’s some tea on the table, if you want it. I’m going to go and shower.”

 

            “Thank you.”

 

            She watched Kara disappear into the bathroom, and fetched the tea made for her, sitting down beside the laundry basket with the sleeping baby in it, reaching out to softly stroke her cheek, watching her shift slightly beneath her touch. Lena was still sitting there when Kara reemerged fifteen minutes later, dressed in sweatpants and an old high school track t-shirt, giving her a smile as she dried the wet ends of her hair with a towel.

 

            “Have you thought of a name for her yet?”

 

            Eyebrows rising in mild surprise, Lena paused for a moment, before shaking her head. “No. I haven’t really had time to think yet.”

 

            “It must be quite a shock.”

 

            She let out a snort of laughter, giving Kara her first genuine smile, and she shrugged slightly, “nothing ever really surprises me anymore. Not even going to feed the ducks and … well, ending up giving birth to her.”

 

            “Not quite the little duck you were expecting, eh?”

 

            Letting out another laugh, Lena sighed heavily, feeling a bone-deep weariness set in as she nursed her tea in one hand. “Little duck,” she murmured, her lips curling up into a slight smile as her heart ached ever so gently.

 

            She went to bed not too long after that, murmuring goodnight to Kara, who looked dead on her feet after a long shift cooped up in her ambulance, and with some discomfort at sleeping in someone else’s apartment, Lena tucked herself into bed on the pull-out couch, the laundry basket beside her on the thin mattress, while she listened to Kara’s mattress springs creak as she climbed into her own bed. Sleep came easy to her that night, exhausted after what seemed a long day, but had in fact only been a few dramatic hours that seemed to span an eternity, and she was out for the count before her head even touched the pillows. Nestled up in her laundry basket, her daughter slept just as soundly, and for the first time in her life, Lena fell asleep without the looming threat of her family hanging over her head.


	2. Chapter 2

            She was woken no more than an hour later by a mewling cry, struggling upright in a panic as she quickly blinked back sleep, her heart pounding in her chest as she tried to get her bearings. This wasn’t her room, and there were no heavy footsteps patrolling the quiet hallways over her family’s townhouse. No thousand thread Egyptian cotton sheets and the familiar comfort of a Colt .38 Special Combat gun in her nightstand, or the rich smell of expensive wooden panelling and soundproofing. Just the keening sound of a baby, thin blankets wrapped around her shivering form on the lumpy pull-out sofa, and the sound of sirens outside the rent controlled shoebox apartment. It hit Lena like a freight train, and she scrambled for the laundry basket, scooping up the little baby with alarm shooting through her. Something was wrong.

 

            It was a moment later that footsteps padded across the hardwood floors and a shadowy figure stumbled out from the partitioned area, fumbling for a lightswitch. Lena blinked back sharp tears as the sudden brightness made her eyes water.

 

            “Sorry. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”

 

            Kara let out a muffled laugh, her eyes screwed shut as she stifled a yawn, and shuffled into the kitchen, pulling a pot out of a cupboard and filling it with water. “She’s hungry. Probably needs changing too.”

 

            “What?” Lena dumbly asked, a stricken look of horror on her face as she eyed the wary bundle.

 

            Pottering around in the kitchen, Kara grabbed the baby formula peeking out of Lena’s duffel bag, as well as the bottle and the pack of diapers, scattering them across the counters, before giving Lena a tired smile. “You’ve never been around a baby before, have you?”

 

            Shaking her head, Lena gingerly held the bundle in her arms, handing her over to Kara with some relief when the young paramedic came over to take her. She ushered Lena to her feet as well, the trio making their way into the kitchen, where Kara talked her through steralising the bottle and scooping the correct amount of baby formula into the bottle, enlightening Lena with the information that she’d been a babysitter while in high school and college. She didn’t look old enough to have  _ been _ to college, but Lena was in her third year at Yale and only eighteen, so she wasn’t one to be talking. 

 

            The baby cried the entire time they waited for the water to boil, and both women tiredly blinked back the burning feeling in their eyes as they waited, with Kara gently rocking the baby, giving Lena a soft smile of understanding, although Lena couldn’t help but feel guilty. Her relief was plainly visible when the baby latched onto the bottle, falling silent as she drank, and Lena seemed to sag slightly as Kara gently nudged her hand holding the bottle a little higher. She awkwardly winded the baby afterwards, letting Kara gently help her hold the baby properly, before she softly patted her back.By the time her daughter was asleep again, Lena was wide awake, and realising the weight of her circumstances. It wasn’t going to be easy. 

 

            “She’ll need feeding every two or three hours,” Kara quietly told her, hovering nearby as Lena settled back down onto the edge of the sofa bed. “You going to be okay?”

 

            Nodding, Lena ran a hand through her curling hair, blinking owlishly as she held the infant in her arms. “Thank you,” she murmured to Kara, as the blonde girl turned the lights back off, her footsteps quiet as her shadow passed back towards the partition leading to her bedroom. “I’m sorry.”

 

            “Get some sleep,” was the quiet reply, and Lena let out a quiet sigh as she wrapped herself back up in the blankets, the din of the city audible in the sudden silence of the apartment as Kara climbed back into bed. She knew she wasn’t going to be getting much sleep that night.

 

 

            Three more times she had to feed the baby that night, and change her diaper twice, choking back sobs whenever Kara emerged from her bedroom to help. Lena wasn’t used to being around children, let alone a newborn baby, and her hands trembled as she tried to put the diaper on, and she was terrified every time she picked the baby up, unsure if she was supporting her head properly. More than once, she’d had to wipe a few hot tears off her cheeks as her frustration got the better of her, and Kara was kind enough to pretend that she didn’t see them as she patiently coached Lena through it, or offered to do it herself.

 

            Dawn had fully broken when she finally arose, sleepily pushing herself up as the smell of strong coffee filled the air. A tired looking Kara was painted orange by the light filtering in through the window panes, her lopsided stance letting Lena know that she was holding the baby, and the smell of sizzling bacon made Lena sit upright a little more. The sound of the thin springs in the sofa bed made Kara turn around, a friendly smile on her face as she held a spatula in one hand.

 

            “Good morning,” she called over to her, “sorry if I woke you.”

 

            “Morning,” Lena mumbled, rubbing at her tired eyes as she kicked the blankets off herself, “I should probably apologise to you.”

 

            Waving aside her apology with the spatula, Kara let out a quick, warm laugh, “it’s nothing. I’ve got the whole day off, so there’s plenty of time to sleep off my shift. Breakfast is nearly done. There’s fresh coffee in the pot too, if you’d like some.”

 

            Climbing to her feet, Lena padded barefoot over to the kitchen, watching as Kara easily flipped bacon, scrambled eggs in a large pan, and managed the baby. She scrounged up a cup from the cupboard Kara directed her to and helped herself to some black coffee, feeling a little useless as she stood in the stranger’s apartment. Feeling like a spare part, and resisting the urge to take her baby and leave, Lena quietly offered her help, finding two plates and some cutlery and laying the table. Never having been much of a cook, with her family’s endless parade of chefs and other staff, Lena didn’t offer to take over cooking, but she did take back the baby and switched the TV onto the news at Kara’s suggestion.

 

            With the baby back in her laundry basket crib, the muffled sound of the news came from the old, staticky TV, and the two young women at breakfast together at the table, Kara sheepishly apologising for the simple fare as she explained that she wasn’t a very good cook. Lena felt awkward, not knowing what else to say with the dawn of a new day painting things in a very different light to how they’d been the night before, but if Kara felt any of the same unease, she didn’t show it, obliviously eating her way through a mountain of toast and eggs. She had milk in her coffee, and Lena surreptitiously watched her eat.

 

            “So, I have a friend with a little girl. She’s also a midwife. I was going to ask her if she had anything for the baby, and to run some tests … if that’s okay with you,” Kara said as she took a sip of coffee, an expectant look on her face as she waited for an answer.

 

            “Oh, um, you really don’t have to,” Lena started to object.

 

            “I know,” Kara quickly assured her, “but it’s for my own peace of mind too. I’ve found babies in bins and bags and all sorts before, and I know that this is different, but I mean, you really should get her checked out. I can take you to the hospital. We both work a the same one. She can quickly see her. You’ll need to get paperwork signed and all sorts too, to register her birth.”

 

            Lena was quiet for a few moments, her stomach seizing at the thought of going somewhere that could leave a record. Her brother hadn’t been there last night, no doubt out performing some nefarious tasks in the sake of their family’s name, but she knew that he would be furious - perhaps more so than Lillian - and for now, no one knew where she was. She’d taken the SIM out of her phone, and there was no way of tracking her now, but that didn’t mean that her family wouldn’t be keeping an eye out for her. She felt far away from prying eyes at the moment, but sooner or later either her mother or brother would reach out for her. They wouldn’t let her get away that easily, no matter what her mother had said the night before.

 

            “Um, sure, okay. Thank you.”

 

            “I’ll give her a call in an hour. I think she’s working the late shift tonight, but she might be able to bring some clothes over or something before her shift starts.”

 

            Giving her a bright smile, Kara set her knife and fork down, pushing her chair back and climbing to her feet. She carried her empty cup and plate to the kitchen, pausing beside Lena for a moment to stare down at the mostly full plate, before she carried on walking, dumping them in the sink.

 

            “You need to eat.”

 

            Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lena wolfed down the rest of her breakfast, murmuring her thanks to Kara, before offering to wash the dishes. Beaming at her, Kara informed her that she was going to shower, leaving Lena to scrub at the plates and pans with the sound of the news a comforting background noise. 

 

            Half an hour later, Kara emerged in a pair of jeans and a navy plaid shirt, her golden hair pulled up into a curly ponytail, giving Lena a smile as she watched her try and fold the bed back into the sofa, the blankets already neatly folded over the back of the sofa. “Oh, here, you just have to-” Kara rushed over and helped nudge it back into place, wiping her hands on her jeans as she smiled at Lena.

 

            “Um, is it okay if I use the bathroom?” Lena hesitantly asked, her eyes darting over to the sleeping baby.

 

            Kara followed her line of sight, and gave her a calm smile, “oh, yeah, no problem. Me and your little duck will be fine. If she starts fussing, I’ll give her a bottle. Take your time.”

 

            Thanking her, Lena hurried into the bathroom with her bag, this time allowing herself the luxury of a long shower that she hadn’t the night before. Taking the time to wash her hair this time, feeling more refreshed as the hot water washed off the events of the day before like the cold shower hadn’t been able to, Lena found some of her usual self returning. She dressed in an emerald green silk shirt, the sleeves neatly rolled up to the elbows, and a pair of fitted slacks, wrapping a towel around her dark hair and making her way back out into the apartment. Feeling more like herself in the armour of her expensive clothes, she did feel somewhat ridiculous, knowing that she was wearing clothes hand sewn by Italian seamstresses that had cost more than a week’s salary for the average American. The knowledge cowed her somehow, and although her wealth and power had been something to flaunt about, now it seemed like something that would frighten off the young woman gracious enough to let her into her home. It was like setting a snake in a mouse’s cage. While Lena herself wasn’t particularly prone to violence or could stomach her family’s business, she was dangerous just for who she was, and she embarrassedly wished she had something more casual to wear. 

 

            Oblivious to the other woman’s discomfort as she tugged at her sleek clothes, Kara was sitting at the table with her laptop, her glasses reflecting the light of the screen as she glanced up at Lena, giving her one of her easy smiles. Feeling like she should make herself scarce, Lena started to come up with some excuse to leave, the urge to take a twelve hour walk around the city seeming more preferable to the apartment that didn’t feel like home, even if it was a welcome refuge. It was nothing to do with Kara, of course, but Lena had been raised to never accept charity, and crashing as someone else’s apartment for one night was more charity than she was used to accepting. She was a Luthor; they didn’t beg, they took. Still, Kara gave her a surprised look when Lena made some vague comment about taking the baby for a walk, and she quickly banished the idea, the pale sky outside speaking of cold winds that weren’t safe for a baby less than a day old, and Lena had no choice but to silently give in, perching on the sofa as her daughter slept beside her, a blissful look on her face from the feeding Kara informed her that she’d given her.

 

            It was roughly an hour later when there was a knock on the door, making Lena tear her attention away from the news that she wasn’t even paying attention to, feeling on edge as panic rippled through her. Kara pushed herself to her feet, casting her an easy smile as she moved towards the door.

 

            “Must be Sam.”

 

            Lena assumed that Sam was her friend, and when the door was pulled open, two women walked in. They were both relatively young, still in their early to mid-twenties, and while one had a soft smile on her lips, the other one looked less than impressed as she pushed her way into the apartment first, a wary look on her face as she stared at Lena. She had chestnut hair and brown eyes, bearing no resemblance to Kara, but a clear defensiveness of her that made Lena feel uneasy. The other young woman was holding a plastic grocery bag bulging with items, her skin tanned and her eyes warm as she gave Lena a slight pitying look.

 

            “This is Lena,” Kara conversationally started, giving both women a hesitant smile. “Um, this is my sister, Alex,” she gestured towards the wary woman, “and this is Sam.”

 

            Giving them a curt nod, returned by Sam’s friendly greeting and Alex’s shrewd silence, Lena stayed seated on the sofa, the laundry basket safely tucked up against her side. Sam carried the bag over to her and hovered over the baby, brushing caramel coloured hair out of her face as her eyes crinkled at the corners when she smiled.

 

            “May I?” Sam asked, and Lena nodded, shrinking back from her as she scooped the baby up in her arms with practiced ease. “Oh, she’s a good weight.” She snapped her fingers beside the baby’s ears too, watching the dozing bundle squirm slightly as eyelids dragged open to reveal dark, accusing eyes. “Hearing seems normal, but we’ll see that later. No obvious birth defects.” Unwrapping her from the sweater, she ran the nail of her thumb along the sole of the baby’s foot, watching as the toes flexed and curled. “Babinski reflex is good. And she’s been feeding okay? Sucking okay?”

 

            Lena ran a hand through her damp, curling hair, nodding as she watched the young midwife run through a series of basic tests that didn’t require any medical equipment. Her fingers clamped down on her pulse point in her wrist, and she felt the thin chest and opened her mouth as she checked her lungs, seeming satisfied, before she glanced over at Kara.

 

            “You gave her a basic once over?”

 

            With a sheepish smile on her face, Kara shrugged slightly, “we were in a booth at a diner, so I tried my best. I figured you would be more of an expert on newborns than me. I usually get stuck with drunk idiots and car accidents, not newborns.”

 

            “Probably for good reason,” Alex huffed, “you don’t usually bring  _ home _ the drunks.”

 

            Wincing slightly, Kara gave her a shrug, her mouth opening and closing as she struggled to justify her reasoning. Climbing to her feet, Lena drew all eyes to her, and hesitantly cleared her throat as she looked at Kara. “I need to use the restroom. If you’ll please excuse me.”

 

            She hurriedly walked towards the bathroom, locking the door behind herself and gripping the edge of the porcelain sink as she squeezed her eyes shut, listening to the sound of voices being raised a few feet outside the door.

 

_             “Kara, you don’t even know her! She could rob you. She could murder you in your sleep.” _

 

_             “She’s got a  _ baby  _ Alex! She’s not a thief or a killer, she’s just- she has nowhere else to go! Neither did I when Eliza adopted me.” _

 

_             “This isn’t like that! You were a kid, you weren’t some stray we picked up off the street. She doesn’t even want to go to a hospital. Doesn’t that sound shady at all to you?” _

 

_             “Not everyone likes hospitals! And she’s barely older than a kid anyway.” _

 

_             “Is she even eighteen? Are you trying to go to prison. You could be prosecuted for-” _

 

_             “Oh don’t start with the lawyer crap, Alex!” _

 

            Grinding her teeth together, Lena yanked open the door and briskly walked back out into the living room, taking in the scene of the two sisters quietly arguing, while Sam was kneeling in front of the sofa, cooing over the infant as she dressed her in some of the hand-me-down clothes she’d brought with her.

 

            The sudden silence was deafening, and Kara gave her an apologetic look as Alex favoured her with her own slightly darker look. Pausing for a moment, Lena opened and closed her mouth, before walking over to her duffel back and rifling through the bulging contents. Her hands closed around one of the thick wads of cash and a fistful of diamond necklaces, and she dropped them onto the counter with a clatter and a thud, all eyes widening slightly at the sight.

 

            “See! I told you she was a thief!”

 

            “I’m  _ not _ a thief,” Lena snapped, some of her usual hardness returning as she stiffened at the accusation, “and i’m not trying to rob your sister. I was telling the truth. I got kicked out of home.”

 

            “Quite some home, I’d bet,” Alex curtly commented, while Kara elbowed her in the side, shooting her a warning look.

 

            Lena just laughed, the sound falling from her lips by accident as she gave her a wry smile. “No doubt you’ve heard of the Irish crime family running this city? The Luthor’s? Well, you probably know my famous brother, and late father, but there’s a daughter too. Me.”

 

            Spluttering, Alex gave her an incredulous look. _“You’re_ Lena Luthor?”

 

            Giving her a curt nod, Lena waved a hand at the riches scattered across the counters, “obviously I don’t need anything from your sister.”

 

            “Then why are you here? I don’t want you getting her involved with your kind.”

 

            With a bitter laugh, Lena helplessly spread her hands, her audience captivated by her, none more so than the young paramedic who had thought her a scared girl all alone in the world with a newborn. She’d shed the act a little now, although it hadn’t truly been an act, and she felt a little guilty for not giving Kara the whole truth upon the trust displayed by the other woman. It wasn’t something Lena deigned to bestow upon strangers who clearly had no idea who she was though. 

 

            “I have a daughter,” she said, a peevish look on her face, “my family’s pride is everything, so my dear mother has cast me out onto the streets. Can’t have her daughter shaming the Luthor name with her secret bastard child now, can she? She thinks that I’ve been whoring myself out to some of the boys in our circle, because I don’t know who the father is.”

 

            “Her colouring,” Sam politely interrupted, casting a look at the lightly tanned skin, that would no doubt darken slightly, and the baby’s dark hair and eyes.

 

            “I don’t _know_ who the father is,” Lena firmly repeated. “Even if I did, I wouldn’t say. My brother’s a nasty bastard and he’d have the poor boy killed for ever leaving me with a child. At least my ignorance keeps that off my conscience, but at any rate, I can’t go home. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I don’t  _ want _ anything off you, Kara, and I’ll be gone by tonight. Just- please run the tests.” Her voice trembled slightly as she faltered, fear creeping in at something being wrong with the baby and her not doing anything to help her. She’d made her choice to keep her, and now she had to look after her. “I’ll go after that. I don’t want anything from you. You can even take the money if you want. Just don’t tell anyone I was here. My family … they’re not good people. I’m  _ not _ like them, and I don’t want my daughter brought up near that.”

 

            They were all silent for a few moments, Lena finding herself facing three stunned women, and then Kara slowly moved towards her, scooping up the money and the jewellry and pushing it back into Lena’s hands as she gave her a sad, pitying look. “You can stay as long as you'd like,” she quietly assured her. 

 

            Lena blinked back angry tears, pushing the money and jewels back into Kara’s hands. “Then keep it. I don’t want it. Pawn off the diamonds, sell them to a jewellers, do whatever you want with them. It can be a downpayment on that new apartment you want.”

 

            Kara gave her a flash of a smile, a warm laugh quietly falling from her lips, and she set the money back down on the counter, gently depositing the jewellry down beside it. “I don’t want anything off you either. I just want to help.”

 

            “I’m not used to being helped without payment,” Lena said, a lump forming in her throat. “And you’ve already been kinder to me than I deserve.”

 

            “You’re going to bring nothing but trouble,” Alex sighed, a sound of defeat as she cast Lena a wary glance. “Don’t you hurt my sister, Lena Luthor, or I’ll bring the entirety of the National City Justice Department down on you and your family.”

 

            “Now, let’s get this little petal all sorted out,” Sam said.

 

            The tension slowly faded from the room with Lena’s identity plainly laid out before them, and Lena felt slightly more at ease at the realisation that the three women were going to help her. It was an unfamiliar feeling, and she didn’t know what to do exactly, as Sam went off to work with the assurance that she’d be at the hospital that evening. Alex stayed behind, managing to get out a begrudging apology for her distrust, which made Lena laugh, because she couldn’t fault her in the slightest. After all, she was right to be wary of her, just not for being a thief. Kara was just as warm to her, but on more than one occasion, Lena caught her staring, much to the blonde’s sheepish embarrassment.

 

            By the time they went to the hospital, they were all relatively at ease with each other, and Alex drove them in her own car to save them a bus trip. Sneaking them into a private examination room, Sam ran all the standard tests, pricking the baby’s heel with a small needle to run her bloodwork, checking her hearing and her heart rate, her blood oxygen levels, and the little baby weighed in at a healthy seven pounds eight ounces, with a clean bill of health. Lena took her home to Kara’s tiny apartment, the place feeling somewhat more homely with the truth out there, and Kara ordered Chinese takeout for them both. 

 

            Lena ended up staying a lot longer than anticipated.


	3. Chapter 3

            A few days turned into a week in the blink of an eye, and Lena found herself feeling more comfortable in the shoebox apartment than she should’ve let herself be. Despite her badgering Lena to get a checkup with an anxious look of concern on her face, and the gently prying questions about whether she’d considered breastfeeding, Kara was a remarkably easy person to be around, and they quickly fell into a routine. Kara worked five days a week, usually pulling twelve hour shifts at odd hours, while Lena stayed locked inside the apartment and thoroughly cleaned in and tried to figure out how on earth she was supposed to look after a baby. The only time she went outside was on a trip to the doctor’s office three days after the baby had arrived, an amused smile on her face as she pacified Kara and got a checkup, refusing to go to the hospital, even at Sam’s offer of giving her a checkup. The rest of her time was spent resting on the sofa, the TV a quiet drone on the background as she tried to catch up on lost sleep, while her daughter slept in the laundry basket. For the time being, they’d taken to calling her Little Duck or Ducky, realising that they couldn't just refer to her as 'the baby' until Lena settled on a name.

 

            Things were a little awkward as they tried to grow accustomed to their new living arrangement, with Lena not used to sleeping on lumpy mattresses in a draughty apartment, the entirety of which was half the size of her bedroom in her family’s home, and Kara unused to living with a stranger and a baby. Still, they managed, and Kara was easy to please, lighting up with gratitude when she came home to her laundry neatly folded, her white shirt having acquired a pinkish tone while a sheepish Lena tried to explain that she hadn’t realised you couldn’t wash everything together, or when she woke one morning to the burning smell of blackened scrambled eggs stuck to the bottom of the pan. Neither of them were great cooks, and they quickly established a takeout routine, eating pizza or Chinese in front of the TV as they watched reruns of _NCIS._

 

            Alex and Sam visited everyday that first week, the first coming to suspiciously check up on her sister and her new apparent roommate, while Sam came bearing other baby items she’d scrounged up from when her own daughter, who was now nine, had been a baby. She seemed even more sympathetic to Lena than the others, tentatively revealing that she’d fallen pregnant at sixteen. Along with the things that Sam brought her, Lena had to dip into the rolls of cash she’d brought with her, restraining herself from buying designer baby clothes and expensive necessities. She didn’t know how long it would be before she would be able to find a source of income, and while she had millions in jewelry, she was hesitant to sell them off just yet. Still, she had to be practical for once, and while she would never have bat an eye at spending five thousand dollars on an Aston Martin pram before she’d been kicked out of home, it just wasn’t realistic for her current situation. It turned out, buying everything a baby could need was actually very costly.

 

            By the time she’d been at the apartment for a week, she was finding it easier to feed the baby and change her diaper, could bathe her in the bathroom sink with only a little difficulty, and while the drying out umbilical cord made her feel slightly queasy, Lena was coping. It was still jarring to wake up to a crying baby in the middle of the night, and the thought of another human being dependent on her was only mildly terrifying, but Kara had risen to the task as well. On her days off, or before and after her shifts, she was completely enamoured with the baby, cooing at her as she cradled her and fed her a bottle, giving Lena an appreciated reprieve for five minutes. She should’ve been going back to college soon, with the summer vacation almost at an end, but Lena had come to realise that she didn’t want to leave. She couldn’t take her daughter to New Haven and raise her alone as she tried to complete her studies. She was barely hanging on as it was.

 

            Over those few days, Lena had come to learn a lot about Kara, hesitantly risking questions whenever she grew curious. She wasn’t overly fond of returning the favour, and usually answered Kara’s with a vague reply that didn’t answer the question at all. But Kara was an open book, sharing things without even needing to be prompted. She was _nearly_ twenty-one, had been adopted at thirteen, graduated high school at seventeen, enrolled in a basic EMT training course as soon as she turned eighteen, and then spent another eighteen months after that training to become a paramedic. She’d earned an associate’s degree in paramedical science from National City University, and had only been registered for a few months. She’d had a stray cat for a pet when she was younger, had a habit of wearing mismatched socks upon occasion, and only wore her glasses when she seemed to remember or feel like it.

 

            In comparison, Lena’s life seemed like a different world away. Her clothes were all perfectly tailored and had never seen the inside of a washer and dryer, she’d had weekly hair appointments to keep it sleek and shiny, had been studying psychology at Yale for the past three years, had a watch strapped to her wrist that could pay Kara’s rent for a few years at least, and couldn’t remember the last time someone had been _nice_ to her, before Kara had come along. Her family were never warm; they expected what they wanted, took it if it wasn’t handed to them on a silver platter, and would shoot out the knees of anyone who even so much as thought of trying to get one over on them. They weren’t exactly an affectionate bunch. Everything about her was at odds with Kara, yet she felt herself drawn to the other woman, for some inexplicable reason. She was too stubborn to admit it, but there was the quiet voice in her mind telling her that it was because for the first time in her life, she felt validated, and Kara was quietly encouraging as she tried her best to help the young mom, never once judging her for having a child at eighteen.

 

            By some unspoken agreement, after the second week, when it became clear that Lena wasn’t going back to New Haven for her fourth year of college, she started paying rent. One morning, in mid-September, Kara had gotten dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt to brave the mildly cold weather in favour of picking up some groceries, and Lena had given her a few folded bills and asked her if she could pick up some more baby formula and prosciutto for her while she was there. The topic of Lena leaving never arose again, and after a quick trip to IKEA one day, a thick quilt was spread out over the sofa bed, her toothbrush had a permanent spot in the bathroom, and some of her finer dresses found themselves hanging up beside Kara’s clothes on racks.

 

            When her daughter had turned three weeks old, a gurgling, chubby bundle with solemn dark eyes and thick, curling black hair, Lena decided to name her Laurel. They all still called her Ducky though.

 

\---

 

            Six weeks passed by in a breeze, with Lena’s fine silk shirts finding themselves stained one by one by an assortment of baby fluids, and Laurel smiled properly for the first time, instead of the usual toothless ones she gave Lena when she needed to be winded. According to Sam, Lena’s helpful guide on baby information and handy nurse, Laurel was a healthy weight and developing properly as she made cooing noises and lit up whenever Kara or Lena picked her up, recognising them both. She also gave Lena a check up, making sure her blood pressure was normal, and asking her a few questions. Along with the six week check up, Laurel was given a few injections, and Lena managed to catch Kara on a quick break before leaving the hospital, letting her see Laurel for a few moments, and finding herself being introduced to Kara’s partner, James. He was tall and gentle, scooping up the baby in big hands as he smiled down at her and tickled her feet.

 

            Lena left after that, bundled up against the strong breeze blowing damp leaves through the streets, the hood of the pram pulled up and the baby wrapped in warm blankets as Lena pushed her down the uneven sidewalks of their neighbourhood. Kara had been right, that while it wasn’t pretty, it was safe enough, yet Lena still hurried past boarded up windows and pushed the pram through broken glass, ignoring panhandlers as she walked back towards Kara’s apartment. It was always a relief to be back inside the four walls of the place, although getting the pram up all of the steps was always a nightmare, an occasional neighbour passing on the staircase giving her a hand.

 

            She’d picked up a few items for dinner, thinking of trying to make pasta and hope for the best, and quickly put the groceries away, before feeding Laurel and winding her, before laying the baby down in the bassinet that she’d bought for her. Tidying up the clutter of baby items, folding miniature socks and sterilising a few bottles, she washed the dishes and was just giving the bathroom a quick wipe down, the sleeves of her cashmere sweater pushed up to her elbows, while the baby went down for a nap.

 

            A dull thud was audible from inside the bathroom, and Lena frowned as she washed her hands, drying them on the hand towel and walking back out into the apartment. Nearing the door, a wary look on her face as she cast a look at the baby, Lena looked back at the door, a suspicious feeling rising inside as she looked at the plain wood. And then the door burst open without any warning, and Lena stumbled backwards as three suited men burst into the apartment. She didn’t have to ask who it was, she knew the sharp smile and slicked back dark hair as well as she knew her own reflection, and she swallowed the lump in her throat as she raised her chin, giving her brother a stubborn look.

 

            Quickly glancing around the tiny apartment, taking in the lumpy sofa, battered TV and the dishes draining at the side of the sink, Lex’s green eyes landed on her again, and his expression hardened. His two hulking companions seemed to take up what little room was left in the apartment, and Lena had to clench her hands into fists to stop them from shaking. It wasn’t that she was scared of her brother, although she knew that everyone who wasn’t family should be, but she knew that he had a temper, and she had a newborn dozing a dozen feet away, unnoticed by the three men for the time being.

 

            “You’re a hard woman to track down,” Lex said after a few tense moments, one hand shoved into the pocket of his suit pants as he tried taking a casual approach.

 

            “I know how you operate,” Lena curtly replied. They were silent for a few moments, Lex’s eyes darting around the place again, a look of thinly veiled disgust evident on his face as he took in the cheapness of the apartment. She’d fallen far from the lavish apartments and expensive restaurants and upscale clubs they’d frequented, her name giving her a free pass wherever she wanted to go and whatever she wanted to do. “I’m surprised it took you so long to find me though. I’m touched you went through the effort.”

 

            Her brother let out a sharp laugh, unbuttoning his suit jacket as he took a slow step forward. “I was hoping you’d get over this madness and come crawling home before I had to drag you back myself.”

 

            Scoffing, Lena gave him a petulant look as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Please, I’m too proud to come crawling home. We all know that.”

 

            The faint look of amusement vanished from her brother’s face, his patience quickly wearing thin at Lena’s stubbornness, and he gave her a hard look, her own eyes set into a crueler face. “Pack your things. You’re leaving.”

 

            “I’m not a child, Lex,” Lena hotly replied, “you can’t _make_ me.”

 

            He moved quickly, his slender fingers quickly closing around her neck, biting into her skin as she gasped and spluttered, her eyes wide as she looked up at her brother. Still, she wasn’t afraid, and her only response was burning anger welling up inside as the famous Luthor temper was ignited. It did hurt though, as her brother choked her, a steely glint in his eyes as her pushed her up against the kitchen cabinets, while Lena’s hands fluttered out behind her, grasping at the edge of the counter for something to hand onto.

 

            “Have you forgotten who you’re talking to?” he asked, his voice dangerously quiet as he loomed over her, his fingers like a vice around her neck as she drew in shallow, ragged breaths, her heart hammering in her chest. “You’ll do whatever _I_ say. It’s not open for discussion. I’m the head of this family, you’re a child, and you’ll do what you’re told.”

 

            “Or what?” Lena choked out, cocking an eyebrow as she gave him a thin smile, her face reddening slightly. She couldn’t bring herself to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was hurting her, and she was too stubborn to beg him to let go, her hand scrabbling at the edge of the counter as her head was roughly tilted back. “Mom doesn’t want me there. Are you going to ignore her?”

 

            “She doesn’t want you there because you’re a little whore. Dad would be _so_ disappointed in his little princess. It’s probably for the best that he’s dead; you’d break his heart.”

 

            Letting out a strangled laugh, Lena flashed him a smile full of perfect white teeth, a hard look in her eyes as she looked up at him, his strong cologne surrounding her in a choking cloud. He’d been nice to her once, when they were younger. Before their father had gotten to him and moulded him in his image. Her kind, soft hearted brother had been stripped back and built into a cruel man, and Lena was filled with a burning hatred for him as she looked up at him. Still, she knew her brother, and he was never quite the man her father had wanted to turn him into, and she knew he wouldn’t hurt her - not badly, at any rate.

 

            “Pot calling the kettle black, wouldn’t you say? Seeing as dad fucked any woman that threw herself at him.” Her words came out a little garbled as she struggled to breathe around the hand wrapped around her throat, and her laugh came out a little wheezy. “It’s a miracle that I’m the only bastard he brought home. Well, I’ll spare mom the shame of her slut of a daughter bringing home her own bastard, and you can fuck off out of my apartment. We both know you won’t hurt me. You don’t have the stomach for it, Lex. So, if you’re finished making empty threats, you can leave the same way you came in.”

 

            His grip loosened and Lena drew in a ragged breath, coughing as she reached up to touch her neck, a taut look of anger on her face. She flinched as Lex reached out, swiping all of the freshly washed dishes, tiny glass tubs of unused spices, tins of coffee and the bottle of olive oil off the counter. It all smashed and cracked on the hardwood floors, the cumin and paprika mingling with the earthiness of coffee grounds and the cloying smell of oil. Standing frozen against the kitchen counters, Lena listened to her heart pound in her chest, as the apartment fell silent, before a piercing cry broke the hushed quietness a moment later. Lex’s head whipped around as he searched for the source of the crying, his eyes landing on the bassinet, and as he took a step towards it, Lena slid a knife from the wooden holder on the counter.

 

            “Don’t you dare,” she flatly warned him, and Lex turned to give her a surprised look, his lips quirking up into a smile as he took in the sharp edge of the knife held in Lena’s steady hand.

 

            Pausing for a moment, he reached up and ran a hand over his slicked back, oily hair, a slight smile curling the corners of his lips as his expression softened, and he reached out to gently touch her on the cheek. “You’ll come home eventually. No one else could ever understand who you are. No one but me. You might not see it, but you’re a monster like me, and no one else will ever be able to love you for it. Not even your own child.”

 

            He turned, crunching broken china plates and shards of glass beneath his feet, leaving oily footprints and grains of coffee and spices in his wake as he walked towards the door, his two thugs following him out. They left the door open, the lock busted, and Lena let out a shuddering breath, the knife clattering to the ground as her knees buckled beneath her. Laurel was still fussing in her bassinet, but Lena couldn’t even bring herself to walk over to her and pick her up, her skin covered in a cold sweat as she sank down to the kitchen floor.

 

            It was an hour later, after she’d finally managed to climb to shaky legs and settle the baby back down, that Alex found her, appearing in the doorway with a stricken look on her face as she took in the wide open door with the broken lock, and the young girl on her hands and knees, her breathing hitching in her sore throat as she tried to blink back stinging tears, scrubbing at the burning smell of spices that she tried to convince herself was the source of her watering eyes. Her clothes were dusted in a fine sheen of spices and coffee, her fingers slick with oil as she picked up broken pieces of glasses, bowls and plates, and she was shaking like a leaf when a figure moving in the doorway made her leap to her feet, fumbling for the knife she’d left out on the counter.

 

            “What the fuck,” Alex hesitantly exclaimed, taking a tentative step inside the apartment and trying to close the broken door, her eyebrows drawing together in a frown as it bounced back off the frame. Looking over at Lena, her eyes widened slightly at the red marks on her pale neck, slowly purpling now, and she opened and closed her mouth a few times, slowly walking over to the table and depositing the paper bag she was carrying. “Are you alright?” she hoarsely asked.

 

            Jaw clenching, Lena lifted her chin slightly, a stubborn gleam in her eyes as she rinsed her hands in the sink and wiped them off on a dish towel. “Fine,” she curtly replied, her voice gruff as she tried to cover up a wince.

 

            “What happened?” Alex softly asked, a concerned look on her face as she reached into the bag and pulled out a bottle of scotch. “Were you- were you _robbed?”_

 

            Lena let out a gravelly laugh, shaking her head as her lips curled into a smile. “A family dispute.” There was a bitter edge to her voice as she looked at Alex. “Don’t worry, I won’t let Kara get dragged into the middle of this.”

 

            Shaking her head in bewilderment, Alex walked over to the cupboards and pulled out two small glasses, pouring a finger of amber liquid into each and pushing one into Lena’s hand. “I’m assuming you’ve drunk before, and although technically I’m breaking the law, I think you need it right now, and you’re not breastfeeding anyway, so ...”

 

            Letting out a halting laugh, Lena knocked back the glass of scotch, tracing fire down her throat and warming her stomach as she wrung out a cloth and sank into a squat before the mess on the floor. Alex slowly sank down to her level and reached out to take the cloth off her, a look of worry in her dark eyes, which surprised Lena more than any of the other events that had just occurred, given the fact that the eldest Danvers had been wary of her since her arrival. Reaching out, Alex pulled the cloth out of her hand, a pitying look in her eyes as she gave her a tiny attempt at a smile. “I’ll do it. You should go and shower.”

 

            “I can’t. Laurel needs feeding.”

 

            “I can manage a bottle,” Alex muttered, scrubbing at the paste congealing on the wooden floorboards as the oil soaked into the various spilled powders.

 

            Pausing for a moment, Lena rose to her feet and quietly thanked Alex, before she walked over to her duffel bag of clothes, rifling through the contents for something clean. She decided on a plum coloured turtleneck to hide the fingerprints bruising her neck, and a clean pair of black pants, taking her time in the shower as she burst into tears, giving herself the time to let her red eyes look less bloodshot, before stepping out into the misty bathroom. There was nothing better than a shower to let it all out and then compose yourself afterwards, and as she pulled on the fitted sweater and clean slacks, brushing damp strands of hair into a low bun, Lena set her shoulders and lifted her chin, before exiting the bathroom.

 

            She had the sneaking suspicion that Alex had come over to check up on her during her lunch break, but Lena didn’t even care about that, she was just grateful for the company and the grilled cheese the other woman had made for her while she was in the shower. A strong cup of black coffee was steaming on the table too, and Alex had Laurel set up in her baby bouncer, absentmindedly giving the seat a gentle nudge to keep it moving while she read through some paperwork. She had recently graduated from law school, and had taken up a position as Assistant District Attorney, and Lena hesitantly ventured a few questions about work as she tried to make small talk while they ate lunch together. Some of Alex’s frosty demeanour had thawed over the weeks, and the scene she’d stumbled across seemed to have made her feel a bit guilty at assuming that Lena was like her family, because she was a lot kinder as they ate their grilled cheese sandwiches. Lena couldn’t blame her though; Alex had said she would bring nothing but trouble, and it was only just starting.

 

            Alex left ten minutes before her lunch break ended, somewhat reluctantly as she cast Lena anxious looks, and Lena tried to act unbothered by the fact that she was going to be alone again, having been grateful for the company to distract her. She dismissively said goodbye to her, gathering their dirty plates and cups, brushing crumbs into the bin and tossing the dregs of their coffee in the sink, before she started furiously scrubbing them, until Alex eventually left.

 

            It was another few hours before Kara came home, a heavy coat thrown over her uniform and her cheeks pink from her brisk walk through the city. Her key rattled as she tried to push it into keyhole, but the door swung inwards before she could even manage it, and she blinked in surprise as she stepped into the apartment, dropping her medical kit down in its usual spot beside the door as she gave Lena a questioning look. Apparently Alex hadn’t told her what little she knew, and Lena couldn’t bring herself to tell her either, feeling slightly embarrassed at how skittish she felt after the encounter. It wasn’t that she was afraid of her brother - she’d been raised alongside him since she was four, and knew him better than anyone - but she was scared of being dragged back to her old life. Her mom might’ve kicked her out, but Lena had wanted to leave for a long time before that. She’d thought college had been the way to do it, although even her two bodyguards had followed her out to New Haven, but this had given her the freedom she’d wanted, and she was loathe to give it up.

 

            Sitting in the yellow light of the lamp, Laurel cradled in her arms as the quiet sounds of the city drifted in through the window, the mid-afternoon traffic full of sirens and honking, Lena didn’t feel as safe in the apartment as she’d thought. The fragile, tenuous peace she’d been pretending could last, had been shattered by her brother’s rough intrusion, and she couldn’t bring herself to stay there anymore. Her only regret was that she’d led him to Kara’s door, and she was apologetic as she stumbled over her excuses.

 

            “I can’t stay here anymore,” she finished by saying, a pleading look in her eyes for Kara to understand. She wasn’t sure why she cared so much about what a woman she’d known for a mere six weeks thought about her moving out and giving her free rein of her apartment again, but she wanted Kara to understand that she hadn’t meant to cause her so much trouble. Lena had firmly assured her that she’d get the door fixed, replace everything her brother had broken, and pay rent for the next month while she looked for a new place for herself. Her apprehension was clear though, the anxiousness at fumbling through raising her daughter alone clear in her green eyes, having relied so much on Kara's guidance over the past few weeks. They had become something akin to friends, much to her surprise, and it was with bitter regret that she told Kara she had to leave - her friends were few and far between, and it would've been nice to have just one. Still, Lena knew that it was time to move out of the apartment.

 

            It wasn’t time to leave Kara though, and the blonde surprised her by reaching out to give her arm a gentle squeeze, her blue eyes crinkling behind the lenses of her glasses. Reaching into her coat pocket, she pulled out a little stuffed yellow duck, the plush toy soft to touch as she set it in Lena's free hand. “Then I’ll come with you.”


	4. Chapter 4

            They stubbornly argued for a week about Kara moving out with Lena, the latter insisting that it wasn’t safe for her to come with her, not with her family being who they were, while the former insisted that she should be allowed to make her own decision about her safety. Neither of them mentioned the what had happened, or the purpling bruises ringing Lena’s neck, although they both knew Lena’s concerns were valid. Even though she opposed Kara coming with her, Lena found herself checking for two bedroom apartments, instead of just a studio, some part of her having already guiltily resigned herself to the fact that she was stuck with her new roommate. Still, she was persistent in her stubbornness for a little while longer.

 

            “You shouldn’t be getting mixed up with people like me,” Lena forlornly explained for the twelfth time, “your sister was right; I’ll bring nothing but trouble. You’ve already been far kinder to me than I deserved, and I don’t want you to get hurt because of it.”

 

            “You’re not a bad person, Lena!”

 

            Sighing, she twirled her fork around in the box of Singapore noodles, giving Kara an exasperated look. “That’s because you don’t know me very well. Another reason why you shouldn’t be giving up your apartment to move in with me, I might add..”

 

            “I like to see the best in people! Is that such a bad thing?”

 

            “It can be.”

 

            “Look, I told you I was saving for a new place anyway. This way, I can move to a better area, and I won’t have to pay the rent by myself. It’s better for  _ me _ too. Besides, you can’t just- you need help to raise a baby. What’ll you do if it’s just you?”

 

            Bristling slightly, Lena scowled as she shoved a spring roll in her mouth, her cheeks burning slightly with shame. She knew that Kara had a valid point, because she didn’t know the first thing about babies, and if it hadn’t have been for Kara, she would’ve been a hopeless mess over the past month. As it was, she was still trying to figure out how motherhood worked, and so far, the only thing she was sure she was doing right was not dropping her daughter so far. Everything else she felt like she was bluffing her way through.

 

            “I can take care of myself.”

 

            “It’s not you who needs taking care of,” Kara gently replied, reaching out to rest her hand on top of Lena’s. 

 

            Pulling her hand back, she watched as Kara’s quietly thumped down onto the table, and the blonde woman let out a sigh of frustration and exasperation as she drew it back. They ate in silent for a few minutes, the muffled sound of the TV filling the silence as Laurel slept in her bassinet. With a solemn look on her face, Lena looked at Kara, her green eyes filled with a questioning look.

 

            “Why do you want to help me so badly? I mean … I’m nothing to you.”

 

            “Well that’s not true now, is it?” she lightly replied, her lips curling up into a slight smile as her eyes crinkled at the corners. “We’re friends.”

 

            With a quiet laugh of surprise, Lena gave her a curious look as a warm feeling spread throughout her, realising that perhaps they  _ had _ become friends over the course of the past month. She’d met Kara’s friends and some of her family, they watched movies together on the crappy TV and decided what they were going to eat for dinner that night, and Kara had even let Lena borrow one of her sweatshirts the other night as October passed by and a chill seemed to seep into the apartment, with Lena having nothing but expensive silk pyjamas to keep her warm. Those were things that friends did. Except, Lena had never  _ had _ friends, only people who used her for her family name. Yet Kara knew who she was, and she didn’t seem to care less. In fact, Lena wished she would care  _ more _ about who her family was, so that she might be less willing to rope herself into Lena’s life. Still, she felt her resolve weaken, and that was the end of the conversation about Lena moving out alone.

 

            It was another week before they found an apartment for rent that suited their needs. Two bedrooms, a small kitchen and bathroom, and a comfortable living area. It was right on the outskirts of Chinatown, at the beginning of the flower district, and as Lena pushed the pram down the neat sidewalks, brown and orange leaves clinging to the damp concrete, the smell of nearby takeout places mingled with the strong scent of flowers as they passed by stalls set up outside florists, tiny herbal shops wedged in beside coffee shops, antique stores and narrow art galleries, and Lena found herself painting a picture of what her life could be like there. The apartment was perfect for the two of them, giving them both a room to themselves, and Kara was babbling excitedly as they walked down the block.

 

            They passed by a small park at an intersection, little benches dotted around the small pond installed in the middle, with a smattering of trees offering some shade, and she beamed at Lena as she suggested that they could take Laurel there next summer. She was also excited about the smell of food wafting from the beginnings of Chinatown, the telltale signs of red paper lanterns and a large red and green Paifang arching over the road, neon lights flashing even in the day. It was a much nicer area of town than where they currently were, and the rent reflected that, and Lena resigned herself to the fact that Kara wouldn’t be able to afford a place that nice by herself. It was that, more than anything, that sold her on the idea of Kara moving in with her.

 

            On a Tuesday morning, Lena put in an offer for the apartment, providing a bond and a downpayment on the first two month’s rent, and was given a pair of keys to the place. Alex surprisingly hadn’t been very vocal in her objections to Kara moving in with Lena, obviously prolonging their strange relationship, which was slowly evolving into friendship, and on her day off, she even offered to help them move. 

 

            Packing all of Kara’s things into cardboard boxes seized from the hospital, it was all piled into Alex’s car, along with Lena’s one duffel bag of possessions. They’d had to do some more shopping for the apartment, with Lena insisting on forking out the cash for a decent flat screen TV and a leather sofa that didn’t have odd lumps from the cheap fold out mattress. They ended up renting a truck to move the rest of the furniture, an assortment of baby items being packed in alongside Kara’s possessions, and Lena was struck by a rather sombre feeling as she looked at the empty apartment that had been her home for the past month.

 

            Still, she felt less like an outsider in the new apartment, and it was a relief to have her own privacy. The spacious living room had been filled with the new furniture, wide windows letting in bold swathes of sunlight to brighten up the white walls and dark wooden floors, and with the touches of Kara’s throw pillows and assortment of photos and trinkets, it felt like a home. Not to mention the fact that Lena had a proper bed, and a chest of drawers to put her clothes in, and that night, she fell asleep beneath a warm quilt, her daughter tucked safely in her bassinet set beside the bed, and when she woke in the night to quiet cries, she no longer felt bad about waking Kara up, the sounds muffled by the walls and the door. The first time though, as she walked out into the kitchen to prepare a bottle, Kara’s door cracked open, and she gave Lena a sleepy smile as she checked up on her. In the light of the fridge, Lena gave Kara a small smile, feeling comforted by the fact that she was there. Although Lena’s family still weighed heavily on her, she couldn’t bring herself to regret bringing Kara along with her.

 

            In fact, she was more grateful for it than ever as time slipped by. Another month passed by quickly, and Lena took up her studies again, putting in a request with Yale to complete the rest of her studies externally, and although it was a month into the new school year already, her request was quickly approved, her notorious family name holding weight and the insinuation of blackmail or other forms of unsavoury business. Lena knew that she was only given permission for that reason, and she did feel slightly guilty for using her family’s reputation to get her own way, but she realised that she could only count of the rolls of cash and stash of jewels for so long. Mind you, that  _ so long _ was a very long time, given the fact that she had a few millions worth, but she didn’t want to sit at home with her daughter, doing nothing else for herself, and she’d already put in three years worth of studying. So as October came to a close, she spent her days writing research papers on attachment theories and object relations, Laurel sleeping for up to nearly five hours at a time now, one little fist clenched around the orange foot of the tiny plush duck. 

 

            Mild showers rained down on the city as the weather grew colder, and they held a housewarming party on Halloween, inviting Kara’s friends and her sister to a games night. Lena was nervous, feeling somewhat out of place at the thought of people she barely knew, people who were a lot older than her, with careers and their own well established lives, coming into her apartment, but Kara had seemed so happy at the prospect, that she’d agreed without hesitation. It wasn’t as bad as Lena had expected though, and the freshly carved pumpkin, with its lopsided smile, that Kara had made, glowed with orange light as it sat in the middle of the coffee table, an assortment of board games already stacked beside it in anticipation of the small gathering. 

 

            Alex came after a long day at the office, complaining about a case she was helping with, and James arrived with his girlfriend, Lucy, not too long afterwards. Lena politely greeted them both, before excusing herself to go and check on Laurel, and was, in turn, checked up on by Kara, who gave her a questioning look, before Lena assured her that she was fine. With a flourish and a bright smile, Kara produced a small yellow duck costume for a newborn, and Lena laughed at the ridiculousness of it, letting Kara change the fidgety baby into the costume as she cooed at her. By the time they emerged, Winn had arrived, apparently a good friend of Kara’s, and not just her go-to diner after she’d finished a shift, and Sam not too long after, still partially dressed as a witch, having dropped her daughter off with a babysitter after taking her trick-or-treating. 

 

            They played board games all night, ordering a towering stack of pizza as they listened to music and drank, with Lena sticking to soda water as she sat on the fringes of the circle of friends, bouncing the baby in the rocker as she politely listened to the friends tease each other and laugh. It was a nice thing to watch, but Lena didn’t feel entirely comfortable to include herself, and she was grateful for Sam’s quiet company beside her, checking in with her, as usual. Only when  _ Monopoly _ and  _ Jenga _ gave way to cards did Lena full involve herself, feeling at ease as she swiftly and effectively cleaned up nicely, taking a large quantity of the Halloween candy they were playing for, much to everyone’s unabashed shock. They didn’t know that she’d spent hours in hazy back rooms of clubs, draped in diamonds and silk as she stole puffs of her brother’s friends’ cigars and cigarettes, drinking Sauvignon Blanc as she won expensive watches and stacks of cash off of the boys who ran with their family business. It was almost second nature for Lena, and she had to stop herself from looking so smug, lest they think her arrogant and cocky. Which she was, under ordinary circumstances, but she’d lost some of that self-assured smugness when she’d decided to leave that life behind.

 

            After that, Kara’s friends made more frequent appearances, and she was invited out for drinks with them on a regular basis, although she always declined, using the excuse that she had to stay home and look after the baby. She wouldn’t have been able to drink anyway; she’d left all of her fake ID’s behind. None of them pressured her, for which she was grateful for, but they never really understood why she didn’t hire a babysitter, or take some time away from Laurel. Even Kara would hesitantly try and convince her to let Alex have her for the night while they went out to the cinema or went for a meal without the baby, her hopeful optimism so hard to say no to, even though Lena softly had to let her down each time. She felt uneasy about letting Laurel out of her sight for even a few minutes, sometimes spending long periods of time just watching her sleep.

 

            “You always look so  _ intense _ when you stand there like that,” Kara lightly said one evening, nudging Lena’s arm to get her attention as she passed her a mug of coffee. She’d just gotten home from a shift, smelling faintly of antiseptic and latex, although she’d since showered, her hair damp and curling as she bundled herself up in her pyjamas.

 

            Lena murmured her thanks as she took the coffee, steam curling from the surface of the dark liquid as she stared down at the sleeping baby. Her hair had thinned out slightly, and her skin had darkened ever so slightly, dark amber eyes hidden beneath eyelids as the infant slept soundly. She was a healthy weight, slightly chubby in the way the newborns were, and she smiled a lot now, never failing to make Lena’s lips twitch into a slight smile.

 

            “Is everything okay?” Kara asked when Lena didn’t acknowledge her beyond thanking her for the coffee.

 

            Shrugging half-heartedly, Lena’s heavy brows pulled together in a concerned frown. “I don’t know. I just- I feel like I’m waiting for someone to come and take her from me. Like if I leave her alone for a moment, she’ll be gone, and I don’t- I don’t want to let myself get  _ attached _ , but how can I not? I’ve never loved someone this strongly, and if she gets taken off me-”

 

            “Hey, no one’s going to take your Little Duck off you,” Kara quietly assured her, her warm hand gripping Lena’s arm as she gave it a slight squeeze, “you’re a great mom.”

 

            “Yeah?”

 

            “Yeah.”

 

            She couldn’t shake the feeling of unease though, the looming threat of her family was a constant source of worry for Lena, and she found herself wary whenever she went outside with the baby. They no doubt already knew where she’d moved to, but had left her alone for now, but it would only be a matter of time before they reached out to her again. A crime family wasn’t exactly something she could just walk away from, it would follow her around wherever she went, it had even followed her out to New Haven, nearly as far away from California as she could get without leaving the country.

 

            November passed by in a breeze of cold winds and grey days, the apartment slowly filling with baby photos, courtesy of Kara, and Lena made up for lost time with essays and assignments, the smell of autumn giving way to winter as rotting leaves blew down the street and pine seemed to infiltrate all of the florists in the district, while all of the coffee shops seemed to smell like cinnamon whenever her and Kara went for early morning cappuccinos and fresh bagels with cream cheese. 

 

            At two months old, Laurel was taken to the hospital to be given more injections, courtesy of Sam, and she’d taken to grasping anything that came within reach, meaning a few painful matches of tug of war when Lena let her hair get too close to the smiling baby. Her days were filled with a drooling infant, who was always kicking and waving her hands these days, and if it wasn’t for Kara, Lena thought she would’ve gone crazy. On more than one occasion, she felt like giving up, her sleepless nights making her cranky, although Laurel was sleeping for six hour blocks now, when she felt like it, and Kara would swoop in, picking up the baby and sending Lena for a long shower, while she took care of things.

 

            The dreary weather seemed to be getting her down a bit, although it was far from the snowy holidays she’d had in Connecticut, and being cooped up all of the time was starting to drive Lena mad. Her isolation was self-imposed, and her daily walks did next to nothing to relieve some of the brimming tension, but there was the worried feeling hanging over her head that made Lena anxious whenever she was outside for too long. Alex must’ve thought her some odd recluse whenever she came over, finding the young mom with the patches of milky vomit staining her shirt, and frazzled hair coming undone, far from how she would’ve envisioned a young heiress of a mob family. 

 

            As December was swept in, Lena found some of the tension fading though, and she only had Kara to thank for that, the young blonde’s enthusiasm for the holidays unparalleled to anything Lena had witnessed before. Thanksgiving brought Kara’s adoptive mother to town, seeming thrilled to meet Lena, who Eliza assured her she’d heard a lot about, and doting on the baby, making Lena feel like a spare part as she found herself sitting in front of a heaped pile of turkey and cranberry sauce, a mountain of mash and more vegetables than she’d seen since moving in with Kara. It was actually quite nice to be in a real family setting, even if it was a bit uncomfortable, as she felt like she was intruding, although Winn, Sam, and her daughter, Ruby, were all there too. Lena had excused herself when they’d started saying what they were thankful for, insisting that Laurel needed changing in order to escape to her bedroom for a few minutes. She silently gave her own thanks to Kara from inside the bedroom.

 

            It barely felt like the holiday had passed, before Kara had a freshly cut pine tree installed in a corner of the living room, coming home after a long shift shaking raindrops from her coat as she brandished bags bursting with Christmas ornaments. They’d spent one night decorating the tree, Lena taking some childish delight out of the act - something she’d never done before - and had found herself laughing as they tinsel-wrapped the tree, the smell of pine filling the apartment with its comforting scent as she watched Kara hum and untangle twinkling lights. By the time they were done, the whole place was decked out, and three matching stockings were all pinned to a windowsill of one of the wide windows,  _ Kara, Lena  _ and  _ Ducky _ all spelt out in garish green and red felt letters. 

 

            The week leading up to Christmas, Lena brought in the mail to find a small envelope addressed to her, the thick, heavy ivory stationary making her pause as she took in the swirling penmanship. She knew who it was off, and she tucked the wad of bills under her arm as she tore open the letter, letting a small card embossed with her mother’s name slip out. It was a request to dine with her tomorrow at lunch at a five star hotel called  _ The Monmouth _ on Grand Avenue, one of the wealthier strips in the city. She was tempted to throw the letter away and ignore her, but her mom had thrown her out, leaving Lena’s curiosity burning as she wondered what she could possibly want to meet up with her for.

 

            She told Kara when she went back upstairs, finding the blonde dressed in her navy paramedic uniform, wolfing down a bowl of Fruit Loops before her shift started. A sheepish look on her face, Lena asked Kara if she would mind looking after Laurel while Lena went to lunch with her mother, knowing that Kara had the day off tomorrow. She felt guilty, knowing that Kara had a twelve hour shift starting at eleven that morning, and would probably want to rest tomorrow, but Kara enthusiastically agreed, flashing her a bright smile as she shoved a spoonful of cereal into her mouth.

 

            The next day, Lena found herself brushing her frizzy hair into a neatly coiled bun, putting on some of the finer pieces of jewelry she owned, and slipping into one of her favourite dresses, a plum coat with a fur collar completely the ensemble as she tried to make herself presentable for her mother. Part of it was her pride, unwilling to let Lillian see how far she’d fallen, but it was also nice for Lena to dress up and take pride in her appearance for herself too, feeling more like her old self than the mom she’d become. It struck her that she’d never really felt like a child, even before becoming a mother, and the sophisticated young woman that stepped out of the bedroom made Kara’s pale eyebrows rise slightly in surprise, Laurel cradled in her arms as she gave Lena a small smile.

 

            “Doesn’t mommy look nice, huh, Ducky?” Kara crooned.

 

            Lena fought back a blush, glad for the layer of makeup, and she quickly cleared her throat, stepping into a pair of low heels as she nervously babbled off a list of instructions. With a quick laugh, Kara told her to take a breath, bringing Laurel over to her for a kiss goodbye, and Lena gave Kara a warm smile, before she swept out of the apartment and stepped into the elevator. Catching a cab through the city, Lena found herself more nervous than she should’ve been to confront her mother after nearly four months, knowing that she was too stubborn and proud to let Lillian walk all over her, yet she couldn’t help but worry that she wanted something, or had something to hold over Lena. There would be no other reason for her to want to get lunch.

 

            As the cab pulled up outside the hotel, she handed the driver a few rolled up bills and stepped out of the car, skirting around a puddle as she walked towards the doors of the tall chrome and glass building. Mounting the marble steps, a doorman quietly greeted her and opened the door for her and she slipped into the hushed lobby, marble floor spreading out, while pillars rose up to a high ceiling, a large chandelier casting cheery yellow light over the front desks stretching along the width of the room. Three tiers of balconies were visible above, and wide sofas and armchairs were dotted around the lobby, the whole place exuding wealth. Heels clicking as she crossed the room, she followed the sound of chatter and the smell of food, waving away any assistance as she made her way to the restaurant. 

 

            Her coat was taken upon arrival and a waiter led her to a table near the wide windows, giving a clear view of the sidewalk just below, pedestrians hurrying past in the chill wind while cars were backed up as they waited at the red lights. Lillian was already sitting at the round table, champagne fizzing in a crystal coupe glass before her, while she browsed the menu. At the sight of her daughter approaching, she climbed to her feet, giving Lena an appraising look before stepping forward to kiss her on each cheek. Face taut with tension, Lena stiffly lowered herself onto the padded chair, meeting her mom’s cool gaze across the white tablecloth and extensive collection of cutlery set out for them.

 

            “You look well,” Lillian finally commented, waving a waiter over to fill Lena’s glass for her. No one asked her for ID, and she gratefully sipped at the pale golden liquid as soon as the broad-bowled glass was full.

 

            “Say what you really mean, I won’t be offended,” Lena curtly replied, giving her a flat look. “My hair’s a mess. My nails aren’t done. This dress is from last season.”

 

            Her mom let out a quick laugh, her eyes crinkling slightly as her expression softened, before the laughter faded and she was left staring at her daughter with a slight smirk curling her lips. “I see you haven’t curbed that sharp tongue of yours in your absence.”

 

            “It’s not an absence, mom. You kicked me out.”

 

            “A mistake I regret,” Lillian softly sighed.

 

            “You made your opinion of me very clear the last time we spoke. I’m sure you meant what you said. You always do.”

 

            Sighing, Lillian folded her hands on the tablecloth, while Lena picked up her menu and avoided meeting her gaze. She felt like a berated child in her mother’s presence, not quite as perfectly polished as the elegant woman sitting across from her, not quite as ruthless and ambitious, and certainly not as cold and proud. Lena had always fallen short when it came to measuring up to the rest of her family, and while that had always been a good thing, it made her feel even smaller as she waited for Lillian to make her intentions clear. Her mom seemed content to wait though, placing her order with the man in the waistcoat and shiny shoes, his pen poised over the pad of paper. Lillian got the lobster, and Lena, the salmon. 

 

            They waited until their food had arrived, sitting in patient silence, while Lena took the time to take stock of the room. A bar of polished mahogany stretched along one wall, shelves of liquor bottles neatly arranged on long shelves, while polished glasses sparkled in the dim lighting as they dangled from overhead racks. A large gilt mirror occupied most of one wall, and curved booths of padded leather sat beneath it. The marble floor held two dozen tables and chairs, half of them occupied for lunch, while waiters in waistcoats and bow ties carried steaming dishes of finely cooked food and trays of sweating drinks through the neat rows. Faint classical music played in the background. Lena sipped at her champagne, her thoughts turning to Laurel and Kara as she waited for her food.

 

            Before long, she was cutting pink slivers of fish off the crispy skin, eyeing her mom with a wary look on her face as she waited for her to talk. “How’s the child?”

 

_             “She  _ is fine.”

 

            “What did you end up naming her?”

 

            Lena let out a derisive snort of laughter, arching an eyebrow at her mom, “as if you don’t already know her name is Laurel.”

 

            A small smile played on Lillian’s lips, and she shrugged nonchalantly, working a piece of lobster free from the red shell. They ate in silence for the rest of the meal, Lena enjoying the fine cuisine while she could, knowing that dinner would most likely be takeout from a cheap restaurant from one of the surrounding restaurants. Lillian was content to leave her to her thoughts while they finished their meals, but as soon as their cutlery was angled on their plates, glasses of champagne getting dangerously low, and lipstick stains on the delicate napkins, Lillian gently cleared her throat.

 

            “I want you to come back home.”

 

            Spluttering, Lena gave her a look of disbelief. “Are you  _ serious?” _

 

            “You’re a part of this family, Lena,” she said, her tone measured and her expression serious, “I may have been … rash in turning you out onto the streets.”

 

            “You think so?” Lena hotly replied, her anger simmering below the surface as she gave her mom a tight look. “If it wasn’t for some random stranger in a diner, I would’ve been sleeping on the  _ streets _ , or my best bet would’ve been a cheap motel. With a  _ newborn _ .  _ My daughter. _ So no. No, thank you, I don’t think that I will.”

 

            Giving her a look of irritation, Lillian’s lips pressed into a thin line as she picked her words carefully. “Do you know the sacrifices your father has made for this family?  _ His _ father? Your three times great-grandfather?”

 

            “Yes, yes, you’ve given me this lecture before,” Lena drawled, running her finger around the rim of the glass of champagne, before draining it and firmly setting it back down. “His name was Nine-Fingered Niall, because he lost one of them in a bar brawl. He was one of the famous mob leaders in Dublin, and decided to come over on the Algena. He made Metropolis what it is to day, grandpa uprooted the mob and brought us out to National City, and dad made  _ this _ city what it is today. I get it, they’re all a bunch of greedy bastards, who got themselves put in early graves for being  _ too _ greedy. Lex is doing just fine following in their footsteps.”

 

            “But you’re a part of this family too,” Lillian replied, ignoring Lena’s snarkiness, “I don’t want you to throw away this life for a  _ child _ . Come back home. You’ll never have to want for anything, and neither will the child. We can smooth this over, make sure the family reputation isn’t tarnished by your … indiscretions. If you’d only tell me who the father is then we could-”

 

            “What? Arrange a marriage?” Lena sharply asked, her green eyes burning with anger, “put a bullet in his head? I couldn’t tell you even if I  _ wanted _ to. You said I was a whore, well I don’t know  _ who _ the father is, so I guess you’re right.”

 

            “Then just … let me raise her. You can go back to New Haven. No one will have to know she’s yours, she can just be … a distant niece. You can see her on the holidays. She’ll have a better life than one you can give her now. Think of what it’ll mean for her to have a  _ family _ .”

 

            Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lena stiffened in her seat, thinking about the Thanksgiving dinner she’d been a part of just a few weeks ago.  _ That  _ had been a family. Not whatever her family actually was, with the arms smuggling and drug trafficking, the constant violence of underground fight clubs and gang warfare. It was something that Lena had grown up in, had taken for normalcy, but it wasn’t something she wanted her daughter to grow up in. She didn’t want her witnessing all the bloodshed and hot tempers, thinking that it was normal to not be frightened by that kind of life. It had hardened Lena, that was for sure, but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. She wanted softer things for her daughter, a safer life away from all of that, even if it meant she didn’t have the best of everything.

 

            “But can you love her?” Lena quietly asked.

 

            Lillian faltered for a moment, opening and closing her mouth as her eyebrows rose slightly in surprise, “of course I would have  _ some _ fondness for the child. She’s my granddaughter, I suppose.”

 

            “But could you love her like  _ I  _ do? Because I don’t think that you could, and that is  _ far _ more important than all of the money you could ever spend on her. I don’t need anything off you, mom. I have everything I need.”

 

            “What, that paramedic?” Lillian scoffed.

 

            Stiffening in her seat, Lena pushed the chair back, the legs grating against the marble floor, and a waiter rushed over to help her out of her seat. Giving her mother a cold look, Lena drew herself up to her full height, a haughty look about her, and clenched her jaw ever so slightly. “Whatever it is you want with me, leave her out of it.”

 

            Sniffing disdainfully, Lillian clicked her fingers and pointed to the glass of champagne and the waiter quickly rushed off to fetch the bottle of champagne and refill her glass. Without another word, Lena walked off, letting herself be helped into her coat, before making her way back through the lobby and out into the cold. A dozen cabs passed her by as she walked down the block, but she could use the fresh air, so she kept walking, the cold wind nipping at her cheeks as she walked off her burning anger.

 

            By the time she reached her apartment, slamming her finger on the elevator button, repeatedly until it dinged and the doors slid open, she was feeling a little less angry, and the ride up to the fourth floor gave her a few moments to compose herself. Pushing the key into the lock, she opened the door and felt all of the tension bleed out of her as she walked into the sight of Kara stretched out on her stomach, Laurel on her back as she wriggled and rolled over, babbling as Kara laughed and tickled her. At Lena’s arrival, Kara looked over at her and smiled, scooping up the little girl and giving her a nose-wrinkling smile.

 

            “Look, Little Duck, mommy’s home! Shall we go and say hi? Yes? Let’s say hi to mommy,” Kara babbled back at the gurgling baby, and Lena’s expression softened as Kara brought the baby over to her, blowing raspberries against the chubby cheeks.

 

            Handing her off to Lena, who pressed her cheek against the soft tufts of hair, her heart aching slightly with so much love, Kara gave her a questioning look, already moving to the kitchen to make some tea. Kissing Laurel on the top of her head, Lena walked over to the bouncer positioned in front of the TV and set her down in it, before kicking off her heels and letting out a heavy sigh.

 

            “So, what did she want?” Kara hesitantly ventured, quickly peeking up at Lena, before busying herself with the tea.

 

            “She wants me to go home.”

 

            A flicker of surprise ran across Kara’s face, a momentary look of panic, no doubt at the thought of finding a new roommate or paying double the amount of rent, but she quickly composed her features, giving Lena a too-bright smile, her eyes filled with happiness. “Oh, well that’s good!”

 

            “I turned her down,” Lena finished, giving her a grim smile.

 

            Frowning slightly, Kara tilted her head to the side, “y-you did? Why?”

 

            Drawing in a deep breath, Lena sighed, giving her a warmer smile than before as she shrugged slightly. “Well, I already have a home, and besides … we’re friends.”


	5. Chapter 5

            Christmas passed by in a blur of drizzly weather, not warranting more than a thin sweater or a coat, but putting a damper on the usually balmy weather of National City. Alex was hosting a dinner at her house, and graciously invited Lena, who tried her best to worm her way out of it, but couldn’t find a good enough excuse that Kara would accept. She enjoyed herself more than she’d thought she would, and Alex was a far better cook than her sister, although she’d never admit that to Kara, even if she didn’t let Lena have any wine with her dinner. It was just nice to be surrounded by people who didn’t expect anything from her. In fact, they expected so little, that when she gave them all small gifts, they were surprised. Perhaps it was the fact that she’d only known Kara and her friends for such a short while, but they’d been good to Lena, and she hated to owe people. For Kara, she gave her one of her necklaces - a blue teardrop shaped diamond on a fine silver chain. She didn’t tell her that it was worth a quarter of a million dollars, or that it was a diamond, and not cheap turquoise, and it made her smile whenever she saw it dangling out of the collar of her shirt. Kara got her a christmas sweater and a book on mental health, and Lena found herself more touched by the simple gifts than any of the lavish ones she’d received over the years.

 

            New Year’s passed in much the same way, with her finding herself parked on Alex’s sofa, a sleeping infant in the pram as everyone got drunk, while Lena stuck to lemonade. They all went out clubbing, Kara surprising her with a fake ID, leaving Lena to catch a cab back to her apartment, quietly bringing in the New Year with a cup of tea and reruns of  _ The Golden Girls _ , Laurel stretched out on the sofa beside as she slept soundly. It was early hours in the morning when Kara stumbled in, lurching and giggling as she tried her best to be quiet. She was covered in glitter and the strong smell of alcohol clung to her as she gave Lena a crazed smile, wishing her a happy New Year before promptly vomiting in the kitchen sink. Lena stayed up with her for the rest of the night, holding her hair back in the small bathroom as she rubbed her back, a dozing baby a few feet away in her bouncer while the sound of Kara’s muffled apologies came from inside the toilet bowl. The next morning, she woke up with Kara in her bed, a stainless steel mixing bowl on the nightstand and a crying child squirming in her crib. They were both tired, but Lena couldn’t bring herself to be annoyed with Kara, especially not when she shuffled out of her room at noon, wearing a pair of pyjamas Lena had scrounged up for her last night, looking worse for wear. She had a shift at midnight, and they spent the first day of the year sitting in front of the TV, drinking copious amounts of coffee, while she plied Kara with water and sports drinks. 

 

            As quickly as they had come, the holidays faded, and Lena found herself making near-daily trips to Winn’s diner. She got on with him surprisingly well, and as the walls of the apartment started to drive her mad, filled with the sounds of her daughter crying or gurgling non-stop nonsense, she had to go somewhere, and she felt safe at his diner. The place still reminded her of that night all those months ago, shivering and damp as she cuddled a newborn in one of the booths, but it became a sort of refuge for her. Everyday, she walked through the Flower District, the smell of freshly cut flowers mingling with the herbal shops and eccentric healthy restaurants, walking the few blocks to the brightly lit building with the smell of freshly baked goods and strong coffee wafting out of the place. In the daytime, it was filled with all manner of customers, and Lena was free to tuck herself away in a booth and work on her class readings or assignments.

 

            Every hour or so, Winn would come and top up her tea or coffee, or sometimes slide a slice of freshly baked pie onto the table to remind her to eat, a dusting of flour on his apron as he gave her a friendly smile. When it was quiet, she’d go up to the counter and talk to him, giving herself a break from analytic theory or classical conditioning, watching as he placed sugar coated donuts and fluffy scones in the display fridge. Sometimes, Laurel would cause a fuss, her teeth starting to come through, which made her whiny and irritable, and Winn would whisk her away, carrying her through the diner when it was quiet and feeding her pureed pumpkin or apple for his pies as he sat her on the edge of the counter. Lena would watch on and smile, listening to her daughter gurgle and blow raspberries back at him. 

 

            Kara’s birthday passed by with a small celebration for her twenty-first, all of her friends gathering at their apartment with a cake and pizza, playing board games and drinking, before engaging in a raucous round of singing as they lit the candles for Kara to blow out. They took her out clubbing that weekend, while Lena stayed at home, assuring her that she’d be fine by herself. Lena found herself relaxing deeper into her life, with no word from her mother or brother, and her daughter growing at a healthy rate. Despite their bumpy start, Alex sometimes came over on her lunch breaks to force Lena out of the apartment, pushing the stroller along as they made their way to a noodle bar or sushi restaurant, and Lena would watch as she doted on her daughter. By the time six months passed by, she had a family and admittedly had friends. They were Kara’s friends, but she’s slowly been incorporated into the group with little fuss and a warm welcoming off most, and Lena was caught by surprise sometimes at the fact that for a few of them, their friendships existed outside of Kara. It was nice to have people to be around when Kara was pulling twelve hour shifts in the back of an ambulance with James, but she still preferred Kara’s company, perking up at the sound of the key in the door, when the young blonde would breeze in and drop her medical kit on the floor with a heavy sigh, before dove into a story about her day.

 

            Their little routine had become second nature by then, with Lena staying home and doing menial tasks that had taken some getting used to, and attempting to cook breakfast or dinner for them - sometimes with success, and other times, without - focusing on her studies, and Kara would come home and sweep up the little curl, playfully tickling her and putting on funny voices, waving Lena off to have a nap or catch up on the things she was constantly disrupted from during the day. No matter how long of a day she had, or how bad it was, she never failed to come home with a smile for Lena and a cuddle for Laurel, usually bearing food, and Lena was always grateful for it, especially when it had been a trying day for her too. She’d gotten accustomed to motherhood and everything it entailed, but there were still moments when she had to blink back frustrated tears, feeling embarrassed and glad that no one was home, and Kara always seemed to make things easier when she came home. A dribbling baby who cried and chewed on teething rings was a breeze for her as she patiently rubbed teething gels on the distressed baby’s gums and rocked her to sleep, tenderly stroking flushed cheeks while Lena took a bath and tried not to feel like she was failing at parenting. She’d never realised it could be so trying and tiring, but she knew that she wouldn’t swap it for anything. Not even her old life of riches and paid staff to take care of things for her.

 

            As March was ushered in, the rainy weather eased up slightly, and Lena was trying in vain to make a curry recipe she’d found online, while Laurel sat in front of the TV in her bouncer, shaking a rattle as her eyes followed the colourful animations on the kids show. The sun was starting to set outside, the clouds a deep grey, hinting at the chance of a storm, while the blue of the sky deepened, pinpricks of light becoming brighter as the day was pushed out and night ushered in. The sound of the key in the door made her look down at the watch on her wrist, checking the time as she realised that Kara was home a little earlier than usual. It normally took her a good forty minutes on the bus to make it back to their apartment, and her shift had only finished thirty minutes ago. Still, Kara walked in while Lena was trying to combat the rice situation - it had all clumped together and now looked like a squat cylinder of basmati rice - and she gave Kara a sheepish smile, overcome with relief at the sight of a bag in her hands. Somehow, Kara always seemed to know when to bring food home. 

 

            “I think I got a bit too ambitious with the curry,” Lena sighed, putting the lid back on the saucepan and wiping her hands on a dish towel, looking over her shoulder as she gave Kara a smile. “How was your day? You’re early.”

 

            Dropping her kit to the floor, Kara stared at her with a mild look of surprise on her face. “Your mom gave me a ride home.”

 

_             “What!?”  _ Lena exclaimed, her eyebrows rising as she blanched slightly.

 

            “Yeah, I was leaving the hospital and there was this car waiting there and some guy opened the door for me. Your mom said she wanted to talk.”

 

            “Talk?” Lena laughed.

 

            Giving her a wry smile, Kara walked over to the counter and set the bag down. Whatever it was, Lena couldn’t smell it, and she wondered what Kara had brought home for dinner. Making no move to produce the saving meal, Kara leant on the edge of the island counter, a thoughtful look on her face as her beige trenchcoat bunched up around her shoulders. “I mean … not exactly. She, uh, she offered me some money to kick you out. I think she thinks that you’ll go home if you have nowhere else to go.”

 

            “I’m assuming it was a large amount.”

 

            Slowly nodding, Kara gave her a grim smile. “Enough for me to buy a nice house. A car. Buy myself a nice trip to Hawaii in the summer.”

 

            “A good offer then,” Lena said, trying to keep her tone casual and flippant, although her hands shook slightly as she turned back to the stove and stirred the vivid orange curry simmering on the low heat. It smelled good, despite the rice situation, and she was wondering if she could salvage it as she waited for Kara to tell her she accepted the offer. She wouldn’t blame her.

 

            Letting out a quick laugh, Kara sighed “that’s what she said, but I told your mom that it wasn’t nearly enough.”

 

            “So she added a zero, I assume.”

 

            “Two zeroes. Enough for me to retire and live comfortably.”

 

            “Ah.”

 

            “And then I told her that she misunderstood me; no amount would be enough for me to turn you out onto the streets.”

 

            Turning around, wooden spoon clutched tightly in a white knuckled hand, Lena gave her a blank look, her eyes rounded with surprise as she faced Kara, who was giving her a lopsided smile, one cheek dimpling and a helpless look on her face.

 

            “You _idiot._ _Why_ would you do that for someone you’ve known seven months!”

 

            Laughing, Kara’s eyes sparkled with amusement as she rounded the kitchen counters, shrugging out of her coat and tossing it down on the worktop beside the paper bag. Reaching out, she grabbed Lena by the shoulders and gave her an earnest look, “there are some things that are worth more than money. You of all people know that. You gave it up for this.” She gestured around the room, and Lena’s eyes darted over to Laurel. “You, me and Ducky … we’re a family. You don’t sell out your family.”

 

            Blinking back the burning feeling in her eyes, surprised by how overwhelmed with emotion she was, Lena gave her a hesitant smile.  _ “My _ family does.”

 

            “I’m your family now,” Kara insisted, “and I don’t.”

 

            “What else did she say?”

 

            Smiling, Kara pulled a small velvet box out of her cargo pants, giving her a small smile as she held it up. “She said happy birthday.”

 

            Guilt washed over Lena as she reached out and took it, giving Kara a sheepish smile, before opening the box to reveal a pair of diamond earrings. They were expertly cut and were clearly expensive. She snapped the tiny box closed and held it out to Kara. “They’d look good on you.”

 

            “Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday?” Kara softly asked, a searching look on her face and a slightly wounded look in her eyes, as she ignored the proffered jewelry box.

 

            Shrugging, Lena gave her a grim smile, “it wasn’t important.”

 

            Scoffing, Kara shook her head, turning around to walk over to the paper bag. She pulled out a small white box and walked back over to her, opening it to reveal a little cake - chocolate with white frosting and decorated with small flowers and  _ happy birthday _ written across it in scrawling icing - and Lena felt her heart twinge slightly at the gesture. Scrounging up a few candles from a drawer, Kara lit them on the stove and sang for Lena, who blushed red with embarrassment as she tried to laugh it off, before blowing out the candles, as instructed.

 

            “I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything; this is the best I could do on short notice. Your mom dropped me off outside and I had to run to the supermarket before it closed, and this was the only one they had left so I-”

 

            Reaching out to cover Kara’s hand with her own, cutting her off, Lena gave her a soft smile, her voice a little hoarse when she replied. “It’s perfect, thank you. And definitely a better dinner than this.” 

 

            She gestured at the bubbling curry, and Kara laughed, taking the wooden spoon off her and stealing a bite. Humming slightly, she nodded, her lips curling up into a smile as she assured her that it tasted good. The same couldn’t be said for the rice. They ate it anyway, sitting in front of the TV, watching the kids show with rapt attention as they chewed the sticky rice, somewhat unclumped after Lena’s attempt to break it up, and afterwards, they enjoyed a slice of cake each. It was the best birthday Lena could remember having, and she couldn’t stop herself from sneaking glances at Kara, the other woman oblivious to Lena’s inner turmoil as she happily ate her cake and sang aloud to the nursery rhymes, Laurel sitting upright, leaning against the back of the sofa, beside her.

 

            Lena insisted on doing the dishes, waving away Kara’s protests about how she shouldn’t do the dishes on her birthday, and she was up to her elbows in soapy water as she listened to Kara chatter away to the baby as she made laps around the open plan apartment. 

 

            “Are we going to sing happy birthday to mommy, Ducky? Hm? Shall we sing her happy birthday again?” Kara babbled.

 

            “No!” Lena laughed, shaking her head as she smiled, watching her daughter let out a high-pitched squeal of laughter as she gave Kara a gummy smile. “You’re going to get her all worked up for bed!”

 

            Pouting, Kara slowly rocked her way over to Lena, still cooing to the baby, who waved her little clenched fists and tried to grab at Kara’s hair, an innocent look in her wide, honey coloured eyes. Holding her up beside her face, Kara gave her a mischievous smile, arching a slender eyebrow. “Is mommy being no fun, Little Duck?”

 

            Rolling her eyes, Lena fought back a smile, closing the distance between them and kissing the top of her daughter’s dark, curling hair, before giving Kara an exasperated look. “Mommy’s not a birthday person.”

 

            “Oh come on, most people who were turning nineteen would be having a massive party at college and waking up with the biggest hangover. Two rounds of happy birthday is very tame in comparison.”

 

            “Believe me, I’ve had those massive parties and hangovers,” Lena laughed, her nose wrinkling as she shook her head, “this is more fun.”

 

            “If you’d told me, it could’ve been more fun,” Kara seriously said, swaying with Laurel in her arms, “I would’ve … I don’t know, asked Alex to have Ducky so we could’ve gone to the movies and had dinner afterwards. Or invited everyone over so you could beat their asses at poker.”

 

            Reaching out to give her shoulder a gentle squeeze, Lena smiled. “I know you would’ve, but … it’s been a nice day. Really. I never got to do what  _ I _ wanted to on my birthdays, so it was nice to just sit at home and not have to have a big party with everyone spoiling me while I pretend that I’m grateful.”

 

            Snorting with laughter, Kara gave her a look of mock horror, gasping as she pressed a hand to her chest. “Being spoilt on your  _ birthday? _ Thousands of dollars worth of gifts thrust upon you? The  _ horror.” _

 

            “Very funny,” Lena dryly replied, her lips quirking up into a smile at the lighthearted teasing, “I’d be happy to pack you off to my mom. She’d love a non-slutty daughter, apparently.”

 

            “Oof, that’s a rough opinion of yourself,” Kara gently chided her, slightly raising her blonde eyebrows, “and besides, you got one good thing out of it. Isn’t that right, Little Duck?”

 

            Lena’s expression softened as she watched Kara smile down at her daughter. She didn’t say it, but two good things had come out of Lena becoming a mother, and she was more relieved than she’d ever imagined she could be at the fact that Kara had turned down her mom’s obscene offer. The thought of losing her terrified Lena more than she was willing to admit to herself, and she stamped the feeling down as she reached for her daughter, taking her from Kara and peppering her chubby cheek with soft kisses, her eyes on Kara, who smiled back at her. Kara was right; the three of them were a family now, and Lena wouldn’t give it up for the world.


	6. Chapter 6

            Spring passed in a blur of warm days, giving way to even hotter days as summer was ushered in with a sweltering heat. On Kara’s days off, they walked down the block to the park they’d noticed when looking at the apartment, and they’d sit on the patch of grass with ice cream melting in the heat and point to the ducks, while Laurel laid on her back and giggled as she squirmed and rolled over. With the weeks slipping by, Lena found herself becoming more comfortable, finding it easier to laugh with Kara and her friends, and losing some of her quiet, reserved nature. Things started looking even more long-term as seven months turned into eight, and Lena found herself quite content with her life. 

 

            It wasn’t the busy whirlwind of parties, dinners and shopping sprees that she’d grown up with, but it suited her much better. Without her family’s looming presence, there was a freedom that money and notoriety had never been able to give to her. Still, they were still there on occasion, sticking their nose in her business, much to Lena’s frustration, and the next one came on a mid-May day, just a little after breakfast, which had become a chaotic affair with the three of them crammed into one apartment.

 

            “Shit.  _ Sugar!” _ Kara swore, tearing through the apartment, half-dressed in her navy cargo pants and her bra. 

 

            “Sugar?”

 

            “I don’t want to swear in front of Ducky, but I’m late. Like  _ really _ late. And I can’t find my shirt.”

 

            Buttering a piece of toast, Lena gave the blonde and amused look, carrying the toast over to her and shoving it into her mouth, before wiping her hands on her pyjama pants and going over to the table. The navy shirt had been draped over the back of the chair, to stop it from being wrinkled, and Lena held it out to Kara, who let out a muffled sound of triumph around a mouthful of toast.

 

            “I was ironing it for you,” Lena informed her, moving towards the infant squirming in the highchair, picking up the half-eaten bowl of oatmeal and trying to convince Laurel to eat some more. She shook her head from side to side, a puckered look of dissatisfaction on her face as she avoided the spoon, and Lena sighed as she set the bowl down again, moving back into the kitchen.

 

            Kara babbled more to herself than to Lena, keeping up a stream of frantic conversation as she laced up her heavy work boots, smoothed her blonde locks back into a neat bun, and grabbed her phone and keys off the counter. Dropping a passing kiss onto Laurel’s dark head, while the baby frantically kicked, her legs drumming against the plastic of the high chair, Kara rushed past the island counter.

 

            “Ah, wait, wait!” Lena called after her, grabbing the coffee pot and dumping a stream of dark liquid into a thermos, quickly screwing on the lid and catching Kara at the door, handing over the cup and giving her a smile.

 

            “Oh, you’re an earth angel,” Kara gratefully said, hauling her large first aid kit onto her shoulder and giving Lena a sunny smile.

 

            “Go and save some lives,” Lena said, returning the smile as she watched her roommate disappear through the door.

 

            Turning back around, Lena sighed, taking in the state of the apartment and resigning herself to the task of some housework. At nineteen, she felt like she did little else, her life seeming to revolve around housework and motherhood these days, and no matter how often she  _ did _ do the housework, there always seemed to be more to do.

 

            First things first, she picked Laurel up out of the highchair and ran a shallow bath, setting the baby in the warm water and placing one of the squeaky rubber ducks Kara had bought for her in the bath to bob in the water. Squealing with laughter as she splashed around, Lena sat on the tiled floor and laughed as she watched her daughter, allowing herself a few minutes to just enjoy the lighthearted feeling. Sometimes she felt like she stressed about things too much, rather than just appreciating the little moments, and as she watched her daughter, cooing over her and gently washed her tanned skin, Lena knew that she wouldn’t change a thing, no matter how tiring it was sometimes.

 

            With a freshly washed baby, she hurriedly tried to get her changed without little fuss, leading to a small tantrum as Laurel tried to squirm her way out of the clothes Lena was dressing her in, and an eventual victory, before settling her in the bouncer before the TV. Keeping up a stream of chatter - half of the time, Lena wasn’t sure if it was for the baby’s benefit or for her own - she washed the breakfast dishes, finished the ironing and cleaned the house. She warily made her way into Kara’s room to make her bed and fetch her dirty laundry, knowing that Kara appreciated the tidying up, even if Lena felt like she was trespassing, and sorted through the colours, becoming quite good at  _ not _ accidentally dying the clothes strange colours. 

 

            By the time the clock hit ten, she was sitting on the leather sofa, enjoying a cup of tea as a warm breeze blew in through the open windows, the curtains fluttering in the wind and the smell of flowers sweeping in with it from the abundance of florists around. Feeling accomplished at the fact that she’d managed to get the apartment clean and tidy, as well as managed to wash her hair without a crying baby cutting her shower short, Lena had set Laurel down for a nap and was allowing herself a few minutes to rest, watching the cooking channel in hopes of finding an easy recipe she could try. She’d made salmon two nights ago, and it hadn’t been half bad, but she was hesitant to try anything too adventurous. Her phone buzzed beside her as she was watching the chef whisk some egg whites, and she sighed, muting the TV as she glanced down at the unknown number on the screen. 

 

            “Hello?”

 

 _“It’s been_ nine months _and you still haven’t had that child baptised?”_ Lillian’s contemptuous voice came through the phone.

 

            Biting back a groan, and fighting the urge to hang up, as well as pushing aside the question about  _ how _ her mom had gotten her new phone number - she wasn’t too surprised about that one - Lena let out a heavy sigh. “That’s really none of your concern.”

 

_             “Of course it’s my concern! We’re an Irish Catholic family! What will people say?” _

 

            “Probably exactly what they said when they found out I had her. Besides, it’s not like we’re very good Catholics, so it hardly makes a difference. If Lex wants to make it to Heaven he should start his Hail Mary’s now and start praying.”

 

_             “It’s the done thing, Lena. Can’t you just do  _ one _ thing right?” _

 

            “It literally makes no difference, mom,” Lena sighed.

 

            Making a sound of disapproval, Lillian replied in a clipped tone.  _ “That may be so, but it’s expected of us. And if it makes no difference, then what harm can it do?” _

 

            “You wanted me to get  _ rid _ of her. Why are you suddenly so concerned about her religious upbringing?”

 

_             “It’s not about the religion,” _ Lillian dismissively scoffed,  _ “it’s about family. She’s a Luthor … in a manner of speaking. Much like your father with you. And you  _ are _ a Luthor, Lena, even if you don’t think you are. You might not be quite as hard as your brother, but it’s in your blood. And in your daughter’s.” _

 

            Letting out a tense laugh, Lena smiled slightly to herself. “No. She’s not going to grow up near that.”

 

_             “One million. Get her baptised at our church and I’ll deposit a million dollars into your bank account. It should see the child looked after better for a few years.” _

 

            Pausing for a moment, thinking about the money she had in her own bank account - a rather modest sum, after she’d deposited the rolls of cash - and the jewels she had safely locked in a safety deposit box, Lena smiled. She didn’t need money. She wasn’t  _ that _ desperate - not yet.

 

            “I’ll do it on one condition; you leave me and my family alone. No phone calls, no investigating, no bribing my friends. Nothing.”

 

_             “Fine. If that’s what you want. But just know that one day, you’ll come back. You’ll need my help.” _

 

            “And you can have the satisfaction of turning me away,” Lena dryly replied.

 

_             “No. I’ll have the satisfaction of saying I told you so, and a very large favour owed. Make it on the twenty-first. I’ll have a gown made for the baby.”  _

 

            The line went dead after that, and Lena found herself feeling more frustrated than she’d thought. She’d won herself a small victory by getting her mom to back off, but she couldn’t help but feel like she’d lost in some way. It wasn’t really  _ that _ big of a deal, although she hadn’t even considered the thought of raising her daughter as religious - to Lena, that was an older generation thing - but the thought of having to give in to her mom’s demands, even with a beneficial bribe, rankled Lena’s pride slightly. 

 

            She spent the rest of the day antsy, restlessly pacing back and forth, taking it upon herself to distract her mind by making homemade pasta - easy in theory, but not quite so easy when the spaghetti started to get tangled - and trying her best to keep her curious daughter out of cupboards and away from photo frames. When Kara got home, on the heels of the setting sun, the sky a deep blue outside as the city came alight with streetlamps and neon lights, she found Lena laying on her bed, gingerly cradling Laurel against her chest as she stared up at the ceiling. Her eyes moved towards the opening door when Kara crept in fifteen minutes later, her hair damp after a quick shower and two steaming cups of tea in hand.

 

            “Hey,” Kara loudly whispered.

 

            “I just got Ducky down,” Lena replied, barely daring to talk as she glanced down at the long lashes brushing round, flushed cheeks. 

 

            It was hot, and Lena was dressed in a pair of silk shorts and a t-shirt, her hair a frazzled mess from the heat of the day, and she gave Kara tired, grim smile as her friend climbed onto the bed next to her. Slowly shifting further up the pillows, trying her hardest to keep her movements as smooth as possible, she accepted the cup off Kara and carefully tucked it in against her side.

 

            “How was your day?” Lena murmured, her head lolling to the side as she looked at Kara. She had shadows beneath her eyes, but they held their usual warmth as she smiled at Lena.

 

            “Good. Some kid cut his finger off in woodshop class.”

 

            “And that’s … good.”

 

            Kara gave her a helpless shrug, “well they got it reattached, so it was pretty good.” Lena made a non-committal sound in acknowledgement, a flicker of amusement stirring inside, although her thoughts weighed heavily on her mind. Kara noticed, of course, and gently elbowed her, a questioning look in her blue eyes as she gave her a mildly concerned look. “Everything okay?”

 

            Smiling, Lena rolled her eyes and let out a small sigh. “Just family stuff, you know. My mom bribed me into having Ducky baptised in exchanged for some distance from them.”

 

            “Baptised?”

 

            “You know how the Irish Catholics are,” Lena wryly replied, her lips quirking up into a smile as she rolled her eyes.

 

            Nodding in silent agreement, Kara sipped her tea, her knees pulled up to her chest as they listened to the muffled sounds of the city outside the apartment. Absentmindedly stroking Laurel’s dark hair, Lena picked up her cup of tea and took a sip too, both of them sitting in companionable silence, the yellow light from the lamp bathing the room in warm, dim light, and Lena set her tea down on the nightstand, before turning to look at Kara, who looked down at her with slightly raised eyebrows.

 

            “Will you be her godmother?”

 

            Curious expression softening at the question, Kara set her tea down and slid down the bed slightly, smiling as she reached out to stroke one of the baby’s flushed cheeks. “Of course,” she quietly agreed, a tender look on her face as she met Lena’s eyes. 

 

\---

 

            The next week passed by with Lena grumbling as her mom made arrangements for her, with Lena all too willing to let her spend a ridiculous amount of money on the event, although she complained to Kara non-stop the entire time. She’d invited Alex, Sam, Winn and James along - Lucy had recently gone back to Metropolis for her work - to make it more bearable, and all of them had agreed to be there, although she only really cared about Kara being there. The more people she had in her corner though, the easier it would be, but Lena was still less than excited to be finding herself in the presence of her mom again. Their dinner hadn’t been awful, or at least the food had been worth it, but she always ended up feeling even more so like a child than she was. Sometimes she forgot she was still a teenager, the last nine months having forced her to grow up quickly. She had a child that depended on her now, and in turn, that had made her realise that she wasn’t dependant on anyone. Not anymore.

 

            Still, at ten o’clock on Saturday morning, Lena found herself dressed in one of her finer dresses - a deep purple, and edging on daringly inappropriate for a christening - standing uncomfortably inside a stuffy church, lingering near the wooden pew at the front of the spacious hall, with her gathered friends. They had made a small effort to dress nice, with the guys wearing shirts and ties and the girls in dresses, although Alex looked less than impressed at being there. She’d recently started dating a cop called Maggie, and had brought her along, although Lena had only met her a handful of times so far. She couldn’t help but feel like an assistant district attorney and a cop were a bad mix for a family of organised crime, and Lena was already dreading the drama that would inevitably unfold. Even the priest standing at the front of the room looked a little on edge.

 

            Looking up, Lena scowled as her mother walked in, a thin coat pulled on over the cream dress she was wearing, a fortune’s worth of diamonds adorning her neck, hands and ears as her heels clicked on the flagstones of the church. Her lips curled up into an almost smug smile as she made her way down the centre aisle, and Lena protectively held her daughter closer. Laurel was blissfully content to stare up at the masonry of the eaves, delicate patterns carved into the old, yellow stone, a voluminous white gown almost dwarfing her.

 

            As Lillian neared them, she paused for a moment, her usually impassive face unable to hide a flicker of shock as she saw her granddaughter for the first time. She’d seen her the day she was born, but not properly, and Lena arched an eyebrow as Lillian opened and closed her mouth.

 

            “She’s …”

 

            “Yes?” Lena prompted.

 

            “She doesn’t look like you,” Lillian finally said, her features rearranging themselves into a polite mask.

 

            Cocking her head to the side, Lena gave her a slight smile, “Lex doesn’t look much like  _ you _ .”

 

            Bristling slightly, Lillian pressed her lips into a thin line, moving on to greet the priest. Turning her attention towards the flickering shadows in the doorway, Lena’s eyebrows rose in surprise, before her face darkened. Her brother strolled into the airy room, one hand in his suit pocket as he gave her a sharp smile. Resisting the urge to reach up and touch her throat, which still remembered that vice-like grip around it, even if the purple bruises had faded, Lena stiffened slightly. Turning to Kara, who was watching her anxiously, Lena held Laurel out to her.

 

            “Take Ducky for me, please.”

 

            Quickly taking the baby from her without objection, Kara gave her a wary look, and Lena turned around, marching down the centre aisle with her jaw stubbornly set. More people had come in behind her brother, other members of the mob, people she’d grown up around, and she felt her palms grow clammy. It suddenly felt even more so like a mistake than she’d originally thought. To these people, she had been the darling heiress of a nasty man, shrewd and calculating, even at a young age, and able to wrap them all around her little finger. She felt like a little girl playing dress up in the silk dress, like she was wearing a costume in front of them. Before, it had been a part of her, like a second skin. Lena would never have been caught dead without the latest fashions, her hair and makeup immaculate, a witty comment on the tip of her tongue as she toyed with her father’s men. 

 

            Now, her sharp tongue had been cowed with the kindness of a real friend, and she spent half of her days in pyjamas, cleaning up vomit and changing diapers. Still, she was a proud person, and even as she felt her face grown warm as she flushed slightly, Lena wouldn’t let her pride be wounded by their opinions of her. Least of all, by her brother.

 

            “You’re not welcome here,” she stiffly told Lex, drawing herself up to her full height as she crossed her arms over her chest.

 

            He let out a quiet chuckle, reaching out to grab her by the shoulders, ignoring the slight wince that got the better of her, and kissed her on both cheeks. “Of course I am. This is my church,” he jovially replied, throwing an arm around her shoulder and turning her around. Throwing his arm off, Lena walked back towards her friends, her brother irritatingly keeping pace with her. “Don’t forget, little sister; I have this city in my pocket. Mom might’ve made you a deal, but I have my people everywhere. And there’s only one way out of the mob.”

 

_             Death _ , Lena instantly thought, stiffening as she kept walking towards her group of friends. 

 

            “I’ll give you time to make up your mind,” Lex conversationally continued, casually strolling along beside her, as if they were having a pleasant conversation about the weather. “Perhaps your daughter will help make it up for you.”

 

            She paused mid-step, a livid look on her face as she turned and lashed out, her hand catching him across his cheek in a stinging slap. “You’re a piece of shit,” she quietly spat, aware of movement from both ends of the church. 

 

            Alex was stopping Maggie from intervening, while Lex’s thuggish friends stepped forward, matching looks of surprise on everyone’s faces. Lillian tutted disapprovingly as she glanced away from the priest. Lex’s hand snatched out, his long fingers wrapping around Lena’s wrist as he yanked her closer, hunching his shoulders as he ducked his head down so he was closer to her.

 

            “Don’t go making a scene, Lena,” he warned her in a low voice, his grip tight and his green eyes flashing with anger. “Your  _ friends _ won’t appreciate the outcome.”

 

            Scoffing, Lena twisted her arm in his hand, wrenching it back and giving him a scornful look, before she turned and carried on walking, her brother’s voice following after her. “Forgive my sister, Father. She’s always had a bit of a temper.”

 

            She felt her face flush as she neared the scrutinising looks off her friends, a haughty look on her face as she stared them down, one hand rubbing the wrist of the opposite as angry red marks circled it. Her mom spared her a sharp look, before turning to Lex, and Lena silently reached out for her daughter, everyone shifting uncomfortably as they tried to pretend that everything was fine.

 

            Things were even more uncomfortable as the first rows of the wooden pews on either side of the aisle were filled with the respective guests of Lena and her mother, and the ceremony began. She stood beside the large basin, holding a clear pool of water, with Kara to her side, and the priest made a cross over the baby as Lena held her closely. Her eyes darted over to the figure making to mount the bottom step leading up to the dais, and Lena stiffened, her expression darkening as she gave Lex a dark look.

 

            “What’re you doing?”

 

            “You need a godfather. Who better than her uncle?”

 

            “Over my dead body,” Lena flatly replied.

 

            Arching an eyebrow, Lex smiled, a faint glimmer of amusement in his eyes. “Have you made up your mind already?”

 

            Ignoring the jibe, Lena glanced over her shoulder, taking in the antsy looking figure sitting beside Alex, anxiously running his palms up and down the thighs of his pants as he kept casting furtive glances at the collection of gang members off to his right.

 

            “Winn.”

 

            His anxious eyes locked onto Lena’s as she called his name, snapping to attention and giving her a wide eyed look, filled with wariness. “Er, yes?”

 

            “I need you to be the godfather.”

 

            Shrugging, her let Alex push him towards the dais, quickly passing by the lithe figure of Lena’s brother, who had pressed his lips together in a thin line, a muscle twitching in his jaw as his sister got the better of him, and taking a spot beside Kara.

 

            The rest of the ceremony went much smoother than that, although Laurel did fidget and managed to splash some of the baptismal water as she was held slightly over the basin. Lena was just relieved when she finally got to leave the stiflingly hot church, her mother and brother’s eyes, as well as their guests, burrowing into her with such scrutiny that she almost started sweating under the intensity of it. It was over quickly, and she slumped with relief as she stepped out into the only slightly cooler day, a mild breeze caressing her skin as she briskly walked down the front steps of the church and stood beside the door of Alex’s sleek car. 

 

            Unlocking the car, Alex opened the door for Lena, who was trying to juggle the heavy baby bag and her daughter, and she gratefully relinquished her hold on Laurel and let Alex capably buckle her into the carseat. Kara walked around the car and slid in next to her, making faces at the baby, who laughed as she reached out to try and grab her hair. Maggie was sat in the front seat, a slight smile on her face, although she always kept her distance from the baby, and Lena too, the latter having a slight inkling that Maggie didn’t trust her because of who her family was. A cop wasn’t likely to trust the daughter of the biggest crime family in the city, and one of the biggest in the world. Maggie would probably like to bring down her brother, but he had too many people in the police department and other high places, and was careful about  _ how _ he broke the law. It would be a hard task for anyone, let alone a young, cocky cop with a chip on her shoulder. 

 

            Her own family hadn’t even wanted to get close to her daughter either - they’d barely gotten a look at her, let alone held her - although Lena was grateful for that, so she didn’t hold it against Maggie for keeping her distance from her, but it was frustrating to be judged for her family instead of herself. Even Alex had warmed to her, a frequent visitor at their apartment, even when Kara had a night shift, although Lena had the sneaking suspicion that Kara sent her over half of the time, to make sure that she hadn’t lost her mind singing endless nursery rhymes to a teething infant. Even Winn had risen to the occasion as surprise godfather, being one of two men there that Lena trusted, and closer to her than James was. And then there was Kara. Sweet, caring Kara, who smiled as Lena rounded the car, casting her watchful mother a fleeting glance, and reached for the baby bag as Lena hoisted herself up into the car. 

 

            “Right, who’s down for some celebratory ice cream?” she announced, a bright smile on her face as she looked at Lena. 

 

            She was exhausted. Hot, tired and a little bit cranky, but at the hopeful smile on Kara’s face, she couldn’t say no. Alex drove the four of them and the baby to Winn’s diner, where he soon made an appearance, ducking upstairs to his overhead apartment and changing into his customary plaid shirt and flour dusted apron, making them all sundaes and joining them in a booth, while a girl around their age manned the coffee machine and cleared tables. 

 

            By the time the sun was setting later on that day, it felt like it had been the longest day of Lena’s life, and she lay exhausted on the sofa in her short pyjamas, the windows open to let in the cool evening air as Kara set Laurel down for the night. By the time the blonde re-emerged from the bedroom, Lena was lightly dozing as the news hummed in the background and car honks drifted up to their window, blown in with the breeze and the smells of the bistro a few doors down. She jumped as Kara settled down by her feet, bolting upright and giving her a sheepish smile as she ran a hand through her messy hair, allowing Kara to lift her legs and settle them in her lap. They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments, with Kara staring intently at the screen, squinting slightly without her glasses, before she spoke, still looking at the TV.

 

            “Your family … they’re more dangerous than I think they are, aren’t they?” Kara slowly asked.

 

            Slowly settling back down against the pillows, Lena stared up at the ceiling, blinking back a burning feeling in her eyes as she swallowed the lump in her throat. “Yes. Yeah, they are.”

 

            “It’s okay,” Kara reassuringly patted her leg, “I won’t let them hurt you.”

 

            Lena smiled to herself, her gut wrenching at the thought of Kara trying to protect her from someone like her brother, and she didn’t have the heart to tell her that she was wrong. If Lex wanted to hurt her, he would. Her wrist bore the faintest yellowed bruises already, from where he’d grabbed her earlier on, and although she’d lost her temper first, she knew that she had been perilously close to provoking him too much. No matter how optimistic Kara was, she couldn’t protect Lena from  _ that _ .

 

            “I won’t let them hurt you either,” Lena told her, and that was the truth. She knew deep down that if it came to it, she’d give her brother what he wanted if it meant protecting Kara. She just hoped that he never figured out how much her best friend meant to her, because his threats hadn't been thinly veiled, and he would wait for as long as necessary to act on them. Lena just had to find a way to out manoeuvre him first.


	7. Chapter 7

            Before Lena knew it, a year had passed by. The sweltering hot summer gave way to a mild autumn, the trees revealing fiery colours they’d kept hidden all year, the occasional shower sweeping in with puffy white clouds, and Laurel’s first birthday. It was surprising how quickly time had passed when looking back on things, and at her daughter’s first birthday party, it was even more startling. 

 

            She’d spent all morning cleaning the place and making finger sandwiches and a fresh fruit salad, a full spread of foods suitable for a small gathering of friends, and everyone had gathered at her and Kara’s apartment a little after noon with wrapped gifts for Laurel. Kara had worked a night shift, and hadn’t made it home until nine in the morning, catching a few hours of sleep before everyone started to arrive, but she was bright eyed and bubbly as she held a giggling little girl in her lap. 

 

            She’d recently started dating a guy called Kenny, a Vietnamese-American astrologist, and he quietly sat beside her, warily eyeing both her and the baby as Kara cooed over her. This was the first time Kara had brought him home, knowing how Lena felt about having strangers in their apartment, although she’d assured Kara it was fine, and Lena was sympathetic towards him as everyone loudly laughed and chatted together in comfortable ease. It hadn’t been that long ago that she’d found herself as the odd one out, sticking to the fringes of the circle of friends, and she fetched him a drink and perched beside him on the sofa. Listening to Kara babble to her daughter, while James started telling a story about one of the patients they picked up in the early hours that morning. Apparently he’d been a raving drunk, until they’d pulled up outside of the hospital and he’d hopped out, running off after hitching a free ride to his nearby apartment.

 

            “Mama,” Laurel cried out, catching Lena’s attention. The little girl had a fistful of Kara’s hair and her cheeks were dimpled as she smiled, flashing a few of the teeth that had come through already.

 

            “You want to go to your mama?” Kara asked, smiling as she wrinkled her nose.

 

            “No!”

 

            She let out a quiet gasp, giving the baby a surprised look, “what do you  _ mean _ no?”

 

            “Uh-oh.”

 

            Laughing as Laurel regurgitated any word that she could pronounce, Kara leant in and blew a raspberry against the squealing girl’s cheek, making her laugh even more, and she looked up, meeting Lena’s soft gaze and gave her a wide smile. “Come on, Ducky, time to go to mommy.”

 

            Passing her across Kenny, who leant back slightly, a mild look of panic on his face as he carefully helped pass Laurel along, Lena took her in her arms and ran a hand over her daughter’s unruly dark hair. It curled slightly down over her ears, and Lena tried to brush it flat, fixing it in place with the clip with a little pink bow on it. Sam brought over a slice of cake to her, kneeling down in front of her and babbling some nonsense, ticking her in the stomach as she handed off one of the slices of cake to Lena. Keeping one arm around her daughter’s waist, Lena let her friend spoon feed her some of the sponge cake, much to the baby’s delight.

 

            “Mm,” Laurel hummed, opening her mouth wide for some more as soon as she finished her mouthful, while everyone laughed at her enthusiastic eating.

 

            “A girl after my own heart,” Kara quipped, digging into her own slice that Alex handed off to her, cracking a smile as she watched everyone fuss over the baby. 

 

            As the months had slipped by, Lena had grown more lax with certain things. She was still as protective as ever over her daughter, but she was no longer stubbornly insistent on doing everything herself. A little over a month ago, she’d finished her degree, and although she hadn’t wanted to fly out to New Haven to go to the graduation ceremony at Yale, she’d given into Kara’s pleading to let them celebrate. It had been just the two of them, with Alex volunteering to babysit, with the help of Sam. They’d gone to an Italian restaurant, the nice kind that Kara couldn’t really afford, but she’d insisted on paying anyway, and they’d caught a movie. It had been a nice break - the first proper break she’d had since she’d become a mom - and she hadn’t realised how good it would feel to do something  _ normal _ . She loved her daughter more than anything, but she’d almost forgotten what it felt like to not be worrying about feeding times, whether she needed changing, or if Laurel was going to perform when she got tired in the middle of their outing. 

 

            There had been other moments too, where they’d all gone to Alex’s for a game night, and she’d let Sam go and get her settled in Alex’s bed, instead of doing it herself. Before, she’d barely been willing to let anyone do anything for her, aside from Kara, but she’d learnt to trust them more, and they’d come to trust her too. It seemed like it had been good for Kara as well, as if she’d been unwilling to leave Lena to handle being a single mother by herself, but as soon as she’d accepted more help, Kara had started going out more. Not a lot, but she no longer came home and spent hours trying to get a fussy baby to sleep when Laurel had had a chest infection a few months ago. Lena had been happy to see her cautiously stepping into dating, giving her advice on her outfits as she folded the laundry, helping curl her hair for her while they watched Laurel splash around in the bath, and waiting up with fresh coffee to listen to her tell her how they dates had gone. At nineteen, and a single mother, Lena had no desire to be going out herself, but she pushed Kara into it, almost as if she was trying to live vicariously through her. Her life was too hectic for a relationship at that moment, and she couldn’t even imagine herself being one in the future, but she didn’t want Kara’s life to be turned upside down because she was living with a baby.

 

            Still, a few months later, her and Kenny broke up, and although Kara seemed fine about it, citing the reason for him being too career focused right now, she was a little downcast over the following couple of weeks. It was nearing Thanksgiving by that point, and at Alex’s urging, plans were made to go to Midvale for the holiday. Eliza usually came to National City, taking a break from the small town and her class of preschoolers, but she’d happily urged the girls to go and visit. The invitation had extended to Lena too, but she politely passed, under the guise of her being flooded with coursework for the new Masters program she’d enrolled in at National City University. She  _ did _ have a lot of papers to write, but it was more about intruding on a family holiday that made her hesitant to accept. No matter how much she viewed Kara as her family, she still wasn’t entirely sure of her place with everyone else. They no longer tolerated her as Kara’s charity case, and they didn’t need Kara there as a mediator, but it was never quite the same without her.

 

            She ended up staying, despite Kara’s pleading, and spent the weekend at Winn’s diner, letting him ply her with coffee and towering stacks of pancakes, while he gently coaxed Laurel into taking wobbly steps up and down the aisle between the booths. Sam invited her to her house, along with Winn - James had gone to Metropolis to spent it with Lucy - and it was just the three of them and two kids, making for a quiet, yet nice Thanksgiving. Kara seemed more like her lively self when she got back, and they spent the night tucked up in bed together, a sleeping toddler splayed out across their laps as they spoke in hushed tones, catching up on their time apart over cups of tea as they huddled down in the nest of blankets and soft pillows. In the dim light of the lamp, Lena listened to Kara list all of the things they’d done - puzzles, walks along the beach, going to pick out the turkey together - and she felt a pang of longing for that kind of life. Not for herself, but for her daughter. She  _ almost _ regretted saying no, but it had been good for them to be apart for a few days. They spent so much of their time together, that Lena was worried that it would be hard when they didn’t.

 

            It didn’t come though, and Christmas arrived with wild storms, the thunder and lashing rain keeping the three of them up as Laurel cried, and the smell of pine infused the apartment as Kara went all out on decorating the place again. Christmas morning, the tree was sporting a large collection of presents beneath it, the three stockings with their names on them bulging as Kara shuffled around in the kitchen, making them hot chocolate and warm milk, the sun not having even risen by that point. Their morning was spent by Kara taking copious amounts of photos of Laurel playing with the shreds of wrapping paper and cardboard boxes, her collection of toys all but forgotten, while Lena cooked them breakfast and Alex switched between the few Christmas movies on the TV, having come over to open gifts with them.

 

            By the time the New Year rolled around, Kara had started dating someone else, a guy called Adam, and he came to pick her up on New Year’s Eve, eyeing the baby paraphernalia cluttering the apartment as Kara dashed around the apartment, wearing a skin tight black dress and a borrowed pair of Lena’s diamond earrings, at her suggestion. One heel on, she scooped up Laurel, the toddler squealing as Kara hugged her tightly, peppering a chubby cheek with kisses.

 

            “Be good for mommy, Ducky,” Kara said, wrinkling her nose as the little girl pouted.

 

            “No.”

 

            “No? How about you be good for mommy, and I’ll take you to see the ducks tomorrow, huh?”

 

            “We should get going,” Adam said, from where he lingered just inside the doorway, shifting uncomfortably with his hands in his pockets as he waited for Kara to finish getting ready.

 

            She gave him a bright smile, balancing Laurel on one hip as she slipped on her other heel, before tottering over to Lena and handing over her daughter, gently pinching one of her rosy cheeks as she smiled at her. “Say bye-bye to Aunt Kara,” Lena quietly said, while Laurel opened and closed a pudgy hand in imitation of a clumsy wave. “Blow kisses.”

 

            Lena blew Kara a kiss, while Laurel tried to imitate that too, and Kara dramatically caught it, the two of them laughing at the seriousness of the little girl’s face. Giving Kara a warm look, Lena hugged her daughter close.

 

            “Who’s a clever girl, huh?” Kara exclaimed, her eyes sparkling with adoration and amusement as she slipped on her coat. “Bye-bye, Little Duck. Be good for mommy.”

 

            They were gone soon after that, and Lena but the news on to watch the ball drop in Times Square in a few hours time. There was Chinese takeaway left in the fridge from the night before, and she heated up Chow Mein in the microwave while she tried to get Laurel settled in her crib. After a few read throughs of  _ Goodnight Moon,  _ she was fast asleep, her duck teddy cuddled against her chest, and Lena tucked her in tightly, gently stroking her hair as she watched her for a few moments, before leaving with a nightlight turned on and the door cracked open so that she could hear her if she cried out.

 

            Wearing a pair of Kara’s sweatpants - her favourite pair to steal, insisting that they were more comfortable than her own pyjamas - and a college sweatshirt, Lena grabbed her cooling food from the microwave and poured herself a glass of kombucha, strictly sober on accounts of her wanting to be a responsible parent, even though she’d been to her fair share of wild New Year’s parties over her teenage years. It was strange that she’d become so responsible so young, as if her entire life had been sped up and she’d lived everything earlier. She’d graduated high school when she was barely in her teens, had enrolled in college not long after and spent those years having a typical college experience with partying and drinking, only to find herself with a daughter by eighteen. Now, she felt as if she should be thirty, settling down with her family and focusing on being a part of the Parent-Teacher Association and cutting up oranges for soccer practice. She wasn’t even technically a full adult yet, but there she was, on New Year’s Eve, alone with her daughter sleeping in bed and a carton of noodles to keep her company as she watched various artists perform at  _ Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.  _

 

            It wasn’t even midnight when she heard the sound of a key in the door, startling her to the point where she quietly padded to the kitchen and stood beside the knife rack, ready to pull one out if it was an intruder. They weren’t breaking the door down though, just letting themselves in with an ordinary key, and a moment later, Kara stumbled in, cheeks flushed and eyes bright. Her eyes landed on Lena and she gave her a bright smile, pulling off her heels and abandoning them near the door as she gently shut it behind her.

 

            “Hey,” she greeted her in a carrying whisper, shedding her coat and draping it over the back of the chair.

 

            Her blonde hair was mussed, as if she’d been walking outside in the fierce wind, and it looked a little damp from the light drizzle misting outside. Shivering slightly, she made a comment about how cold it was and disappeared into her bedroom without another word or any explanation of why she was home so early. No one went out on New Year’s Eve and came home before midnight unless there was an excuse for it, and Kara had been excited all evening, her other friends and Alex going too. Lena had offered to look after Ruby for Sam too, but she had her own sitter and had joined them too, leaving Lena the only one staying at home, despite Sam’s suggestion that the sitter also look after Laurel and they get her a fake ID. They’d put a lot of planning into which bars they were going to, where they were going to try and get entry to before midnight, and whose apartment they were pre-drinking at, yet Kara hadn’t even made it passed slightly tipsy.

 

            Making two strong cups of coffee, stirring in milk and sugar for Kara, she tiptoed down the hallway, poking her head into her bedroom to make sure Laurel was still asleep, before continuing on to the next room and lightly tapping on Kara’s door as best as she could without spilling the coffee. The muffled sound of Kara telling her to come in drifted through the wood, and Lena used her elbow to turn the handle, before shouldering her way into the sight of Kara in a t-shirt as she rummaged through her drawers. Her room was usually orderly to the point of extreme, but it was a little cluttered from frantic outfit changes to find the perfect date dress, makeup was strewn across the top of her dresser and dresses lay abandoned at the foot of her bed, and lone shoes dotting the floor. She didn’t even seem concerned by the mess, her decorative pillows tossed to the floor and the covers rumpled, and was still digging through her drawer as she ignored Lena.

 

            “Have you seen my- oh, you’re wearing them,” Kara said, her eyes landing on the worn grey sweatpants Lena had on, “never mind.”

 

            “Do you want them back?” Lena gently asked, “I just- I thought you were going to be back later, and that you’d … well, be too drunk to care what you wore to bed.  _ If _ you came home.” 

 

            Waving aside her concerns, Kara pulled out another pair of sweatpants and yanked them on a little more forcefully than usual, before brushing past Lena, her hand gentle on her shoulder as she disappeared through the door and into the bathroom. She smelled faintly of tequila and perfume, and up close, Lena could see that her makeup was slightly smudged from either rain or sweat, tiny flecks of glitter stuck to her skin. 

 

            Perching on the edge of the bed, both cups of coffee abandoned on the nightstand, Lena waited for her to come back, listening to the vigorous sound of teeth being brushed and running water. Looking at the collection of photos in Kara’s bedroom, herself, Alex and Laurel making more frequent appearances than anyone else, and then slowly starting to hang clothes back up and arrange shoes in neat pairs in the bottom of the wooden wardrobe, facing the bed, she patiently waited for Lena to come back. Ten minutes later, the blonde reappeared, makeup removed and looking a little more alert, her expression softening as she saw Lena neatly stacking the pillows in the corner of the room, the covers already turned down for her to climb into bed.

 

            “Coffee’s on the nightstand,” Lena murmured, “do you need some water? Aspirin?”

 

            “No, I’m okay. Thank you.”

 

            Nodding, Lena watched her climb into bed, pulling the covers up and drawing her knees up to her chest as she reached out for her coffee. Passing the other over to Lena, Kara patted the space beside her and Lena joined her on the bed, fussing with the covers as she waited for Kara to talk. It was a long time coming, both of them sitting in silence, the hum of the TV barely audible in the background as it slipped in through the cracked open door. 

 

            Eventually, Lena turned to look at her, giving her a wry look of amusement. “Fun night?”

 

            Giving her a dour look, Kara shook her head, taking a big gulp of coffee and relaxing into the fluffy pillows as she brooded slightly. Reaching out, Lena ruffled her hair and dislodged some glitter, a faint smile on her lips as she gave Kara a searching look. She didn’t want to push her, she wouldn’t force it out of her, but they’d gotten so used to talking about things - or Kara had, at least - that Lena wanted to let her know that she was there to listen if she wanted to talk.

 

            Sighing, Kara grimaced, “well it  _ started _ great.”

 

            “I didn’t think you were out long enough for it to go  _ bad _ .”

 

            “Let’s put it this way … I don’t think you’ll be seeing Adam again.”

 

            “Ah … that kind of night. Right. Are you okay?”

 

            Giving her a strained smile, Kara wouldn’t meet her eyes, giving her a noncommittal shrug as she ran a finger around the rim of her mug. “It's okay, I ended things.”

 

            “But I thought you liked him!”

 

            “I did, but …”

 

            “What? You can tell me. No judgement, of course. I mean, as long as you  _ want _ to tell me.”

 

            Kara let out a quiet laugh, although it faded quickly and didn’t quite reach her eyes as she stayed hunched over her coffee cup, a troubled look on her face. It was like it was Lena’s fault in some way, and she didn’t want to tell her. But eventually, she looked up and gave her a grim smile.

 

            “Adam thinks that I, ah, have too much of an ...  _ attachment _ to Ducky, and you. That I won’t put him first. Bit bold of him to assume he’d take priority in my life after a few weeks of dating but …”

 

            Guilt twisted Lena’s stomach and she gave Kara a pleadingly apologetic look. “Oh,  _ Kara _ . I’m sorry. I never meant for my life-”

 

            “No, no, don’t apologise,” Kara placatingly reassured her, reaching out to cover Lena’s hand with hers. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, what did he expect? That I was going to dote on him? Push my family aside for him? I’m twenty-one, I’m not even sure I  _ wanted _ to be in a proper relationship with him. Well I can tell you know, after tonight, I  _ definitely _ don’t.”

 

            “I’m sorry.”

 

            Resting her head on Lena’s shoulder, both of them shifting until they were sat side by side, the warmth of each other a comforting presence as they nestled up in the bed, Kara let out a sigh. “It’s fine. I just- I didn’t want to make you feel like this is your fault. You know I adore Ducky, and I’d be lost without you, and I just … why should I have to  _ pick?  _ Am I not allowed to have a child in my life? Can’t I take her to the park and read her bedtime stories? If someone can’t deal with that, then they don’t  _ deserve _ to be in my life.”

 

            Shaking with silent laughter, Lena felt her heart melt a little. “You’d be lost without  _ me?  _ I think that statement belongs to me. You know that I would never want you to leave us, but you don’t have to let my daughter come in between you and other people.”

 

            “I know doing the whole single mother thing is hard, and you’re so young, but you’re a great mom, Lena. And I’m not letting her come between me and other people; I  _ choose _ to be here for her. I told you before, you’re family.”

 

            Lena swallowed the lump in her throat as she took a sip of coffee, fumbling for something to say. “I’m not a single mother; I have you.”

 

            Laughing, Kara let her head loll slightly on Lena’s shoulder, peering up at her as she smiled, her eyelids fluttering shut, hiding her warm eyes from sight. “You always will. But it’s not the same though, Lena. You deserve someone good in your life too.”

 

            She was puzzled for a few moments, before she realised that Kara meant that she should date someone, and an amused smile played on Lena’s lips. Dating wasn’t in the cards for her right now, and probably not for a few years, but she could see where Kara was coming from. They both had their own lives, even though inside the apartment they lived inside their tiny bubble, but one day the bubble would pop. Not anytime soon, but eventually. They’d both find someone and settle down, and she could picture Kara having a whole gang of blonde haired kids with her smile, although she couldn’t see herself having anymore. Laurel was a handful by herself, and Lena cherished her so much that she wasn’t sure she’d want to share that with even the idea of another baby. 

 

            But she wanted that for Kara. She wanted her friend to have her own life, her own relationships with people who deserved her, and that happy future of her being a great mom to her own kids. It would be a long way off, and Lena had faith that they’d still be friends even then, but for now, she was glad that things didn’t have to change. Although, she felt selfish for it, even though it had been Kara’s choice to end things with Adam. 

 

            “So do you,” Lena murmured, rest her cheek against the top of Kara’s head.

 

            “I think it can wait for now.”

 

            “Mm, I think I’ve got more pressing things to worry about too, like if Ducky is going to eat her breakfast in the morning without kicking up a fuss.”

 

            Letting out a quick laugh, Kara sat upright and took a sip of coffee. “Don’t worry, I’ve bribed her with feeding the ducks. It’ll probably hold out another twelve times before we get to the park. Besides, I’m her favourite, she’ll do anything for me.”

 

            “That’s because you get to be fun Aunt Kara,” Lena grumbled.

 

            “And you’re the responsible, serious one. It’s perfect!”

 

            “Sometimes I wonder if I’m being  _ too _ serious. I know I can be a little overprotective, but I just … I want her to be safe. I want a perfect childhood for her, you know?”

 

            Kara sobered up slightly, giving Lena a searching look as she cocked her head to the side, a spark of curiosity in her eyes. “What was it like? Your childhood, I mean.”

 

            Blowing all the air out of her lungs, Lena shrugged, running a hand through her hair. “I don’t know. I mean, there was always a lot of violence, obviously. I grew up around guns and money and partying. I was fourteen the first time I got drunk. My brother took me to one of the clubs he operates out of, and I played poker with them all while I drank champagne. I thought I was so grown up. My entire childhood is just … memories of muffled screams and shouts. People getting dragged into the foyer bleeding, pleading as they were taken into my father’s office. I’d hide in the next room sometimes and listen to it. I could hear the bones break sometimes. I was … eight the first time I watched someone die. My dad thought I was old enough to see it, and my mom just … let me. A bullet. Straight through the eyes. And when I was twelve, I was kidnapped for the first time. I was my father’s darling girl, and he wouldn’t even pay the ransom the first two times they asked. I spent three days locked in a room with strange men and their guns, and it didn’t even  _ bother _ me.” 

 

            An involuntary shiver ran through her, her eyes turning glassy as she got lost in the memories. Snapping herself out of it, she shook her head slightly to clear her thoughts and turned to give Kara a small smile.

 

            “It wasn’t a good childhood. I didn’t realise it when I was really young, but then I went to boarding school, and everyone else was just … normal. They took ballet, instead of Muay Thai lessons, and they rode ponies instead of learning how to take apart a gun. My mom still put me in the pretty dresses and put me through piano lessons and French lessons, but … well, that was never who my family was. Is. It was all just … anger and violence and death. And I wasn’t- I’m not  _ like _ them, but … I am. I’m just as quick to anger, and I can lash out if pushed far enough, and my brother knows  _ just _ how to push me there. And I hate it. I hate that I  _ could _ be like them, if I let myself. But I always wanted more for myself. I just never could get away from it, until her. Most people would think being a teen mom would be like a life sentence, but for me, it was freedom.”

 

            “Lena,” Kara softly sighed, a look of concern in her eyes.

 

            This was the most she’d ever spoken about her family before. Until then, it had been tiny sliver of information, small glimpses into the wealth and the entitlement that came with being part of a mob family, and a hint at the violent crimes her brother and father had committed. For her, her battles had usually been with her sharp mind, her shrewdness and wit a bigger asset than force, but that hadn’t freed her from it. The smell of gunpowder and blood was as familiar to her as the fragrant perfumes and expensive wood that decorated her family’s home, the weight of a gun in her hand as well known as the feeling of priceless diamonds and thick wads of cash. Her knuckles knew the feeling of being bruised as well as they knew the gently brush of the lips of men trying to woo her with their flattering compliments. There were two sides to her, and Kara had only ever seen the one.

 

            And now it was all coming out, as if Lena couldn’t keep it inside her even if she tried. For so long, she’d bottled all of the memories and feelings up, surrounded by those who delved too deeply into the darker aspects of the things she’d grown up around, and when she’d been presented with the opportunity to have new friends, with people who didn’t know too much about that, it made her want to lock them away even more tightly. But Kara had been honest with her about what had happened with Adam, and it was the least she could do, honestly answering her questions. And she didn’t even judge her for it. She met Kara’s sorrowful eyes, and she didn’t see any contempt, any criticism or wariness.

 

            “It’s funny,” Lena quietly mused, her voice strained as she tried to give Kara a smile, “after all of that, I’m afraid of the dark. Guns pointed at me? I wouldn’t even flinch. But a dark room? Too many hidden things to know for sure if it’s safe or not.”

 

            Kara swallowed thickly, her mouth opening and closing as she tried to find something to say. “I thought- I thought that the light coming from your room was because of the nightlight for Ducky.”

 

            Letting out a quick laugh, Lena gave her a small smile, “well I wouldn’t  _ admit _ that I’m nineteen and afraid of the dark now, would I?”

 

            Wrapping an arm around her, Kara gave her a gentle squeeze. “Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.”

 

            “I know. I’d trust you with anything.”

 

            “And just so you know, my room is always here. If you ever get scared- if you can’t sleep-”

 

            Feeling slightly embarrassed, Lena pulled away from her and cleared her throat, “thank you.”

 

            They stayed side by side for a little while longer, finishing their coffee and keeping a comfortable distance between them. When it hit midnight, they heard the muffled cheering on the TV and they quietly murmured their own  _ ‘Happy New Year’ _ to each other, huddled beneath the blankets. Lingering a little while longer, Lena left Kara’s bed to slip back to her own room, the dim yellow light giving her enough light to see by as she carefully shut the door behind her, checked on Laurel, watching her for a few moments, before slipping into bed. Sleep was a long time coming, her mind turning over the things they’d talked about, but when it did, she slept soundly, the nightlight and her daughter, safely tucked in her cot, a comforting presence.


	8. Chapter 8

            Lena’s twentieth birthday came and went, and a few months later, she finished the first year of her Master of Psychology, juggling the life of being a single mother to an energetic toddler with her coursework. Laurel had grown nearly to Lena’s waist, her curiosity aided by the fact that she was quick on her feet, and if left alone for more than a minute, she’d be in every cupboard, drawer or bag. She still babbled a lot of nonsense, but amongst it were intelligible words, her vocabulary expanding every day, much to Lena’s delight. Kara was ever the proud documenter of such moments, catching everything on film or in photos, showing them off to their friends and her coworkers as if she was the boastful mother. Despite her bad luck with Adam at the start of the year, Kara didn’t let it stop her from being a permanent fixture in Laurel’s life, for which Lena was grateful for.

 

            Over the course of the summer they went to nearby beaches, borrowing Alex’s car and stretching out on a length of golden sand hugging the shore. Lena sat in the shade of a red and white striped umbrella while Kara waded into the shallows with Laurel, after letting Lena rub sunscreen on both of them. She even ventured into the water herself, a little wary as she gingerly stepped through the cold surf, goosebumps rippling across her skin as she beamed down at the dark haired toddler splashing her hands against the rippling surface of the sea, as Kara knelt in the shallows, keeping hold of her. They went to the park whenever Kara was home from work during the day, feeding the ducks and pushing Laurel on the baby swing, pointing out colourful flowers as they held a hand each, eating ice cream and enjoying the warmth. Kara even managed to coerce Lena into taking a trip to Midvale, spending the night at Eliza’s house and enjoying some time away from the bustling city. It was a relief to know for sure that they were safe from her family, and Lena found herself more relaxed than ever, for the short while they were there.

 

            It didn’t last though, and by the time they were back in the city, with the weather starting to cool down as autumn edged its way in, Lena found herself growing antsy again. She was starting her second year of her masters, and everything had come to a standstill with her course. No one would take her for her practical work. No matter where she’d applied to, all of the slots were full, or they weren’t accepting volunteers, and without a placement, she couldn’t graduate. She couldn’t get a job in her field. It didn’t take her long to figure out what was going on. It was a Wednesday in early August, the leaves just starting to wilt and turn orange, and she called up Winn, asking him if he could look after Laurel, catching a bus to his diner and leaving her daughter in his care. With a kiss goodbye, ensuring that the thrust upon babysitter had everything he needed, and Laurel had her stuffed duck, Lena left.

 

            She’d dressed up for the occasion, and she’d seen the questions in Winn’s eyes, although he hadn’t asked where she was going, taking in the sleek, put together appearance of the young woman. Wearing a crisp white shirt and navy suit, a heavy navy coat with a fur collar pulled on over the top of the blazer, she looked like a businesswoman. She’d even taken the time to do her hair properly, slicked back into a severe ponytail, her makeup perfect down to her eyeliner and red lips. It wouldn’t do to look unkempt and frazzled. 

 

            Catching a cab to the wealthier inner district, she watched as they turned down wide, familiar streets, perfectly trimmed trees lining the neatly swept sidewalks at intervals. The houses were all near-identical brownstones sitting side by side, expensive cars parked along the curbs, women walking miniature expensive dogs, businessmen in suits with ears pressed to their phones as they rushed out of their homes. It was barely seven o’clock in the morning, the city humming with activity as the yellow cab wound its way through the streets, eventually coming to a stop outside three connected brownstones. The usual cars were parked outside, the same as they always were nearly two years ago, and as she paid the cab driver, handing him a few folded notes, she saw a curtain move in one of the windows overlooking the street.

 

            Taking a deep breath, gathering up her courage and haughty anger, Lena stepped out of the cab, ironing out the creases of her coat and pants as she walked up the front steps, heels clicking on the concrete. The door parted slightly as she approached, a burly guy in a suit coming into view through the slight gap in the door. It opened further, and she gave the man a rueful smile.

 

            “Bruno, still doing my brother’s bidding, I see.”

 

            “I thought your mom told you never to come back here,” he humourously replied.

 

            Carelessly shrugging, Lena flash him a perfect smile, arching an eyebrow as she mounted the top step and strolled towards the door. There was an air of arrogance about her, as if she owned the place, although she  _ had _ technically been barred from it. Knowing Lillian, her clothes had all been burned, everything else she owned trashed, leaving behind a bare room with no trace of her existence. It had never felt like a real home, and it still didn’t, but she’d grown up there. She still had a sense of entitlement when it came to the sprawling home, and she wouldn’t let anyone keep her out of it.

 

            As she placed a hand on the wooden door, beams of light filtering in through the arched glass window above it, Bruno made to close the door, stiffening slightly as he looked down at the smaller woman. A look of surprised amusement flashed across Lena’s face, and she let out a derisive snort of laughter, before putting all of her weight against the door. It took him by surprise, enough to allow her to force her way inside, getting in a cheap jibe to his stomach with her elbow as she did so, much to his irritation. Looking around the foyer, she took in the sameness of the place with disinterest.

 

            “Where is he?”

 

            “Your brother’s busy.”

 

            “Study? Basement? Sleeping off a hangover?” she asked, ignoring his comment.

 

            Making a small grunt of annoyance, the other man softly sighed when Lena gave him a hard look. “He’s in his room. He had a get together last night.”

 

            Setting off across the marble floor, her brother’s friend scrambling to keep up with her, seeing as he couldn’t stop her without force, and wouldn’t dare to lay a finger on her. Marching up the curving staircase, she turned left and walked down the carpeted hallway, passing locked doors until she came to her brother’s. Pausing for a second, she turned to Bruno, giving him a pointed look.

 

            “Is there anyone else in there?”

 

            “How am I supposed to know?”

 

            At her even more so pointed look, he sighed heavily, lightly tapping on the door, before Lena let out a huff of frustration, turning the handle and pushing it open, before gesturing for the hulking man to go inside. She waited patiently, listening to her brother sleepily curse the man out, before two tousle haired girls scampered out of the room, earning disapproving looks off of Lena. She barged in a moment later, storming over to her brother, who had a silk bathrobe on and was looking worse for wear, and surprised to see her. Cheeks flaming with anger, Lena gave him a pissed look.

 

            “How many times do I have to tell you?  _ Stay out of my life.” _

 

            “Good morning to you,” Lex mumbled, blinking rapidly as he ran a hand through his hair. “Must you be so loud?”

 

            She pushed him, and he staggered back a few paces, before regaining his balance and a spark of anger stirring inside. Lashing out, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her close, looming over her. The smell of vodka and cigar smoke clung to his skin, turning Lena’s stomach slightly. 

 

            “You’re in my house now, little sister. I wouldn’t push your luck.”

 

            Breaking his grip, she glowered up at him, going toe to toe and driving him back a step. “I’m warning you  _ once _ , Alexander, leave me alone, or perhaps you’ll find out just how much like dad I can be.”

 

            Tutting, he reached out and brushed a stray hair out of her face, smiling as she slapped his hand away. “Threats don’t suit you Lena. And you won’t come in here making demands of  _ me.” _

 

            “Oo because you’re such a big man,” Lena mocked him, a smile curling her lips, “you’re not dad. You don’t  _ scare _ me.”

 

            “Don’t lie to me; I can tell. We’re family, I know everything there is to know about you. I know you  _ far _ better than those friends of yours. I just want you to come home, to be with people who know you.”

 

            “You will  _ not _ edge me out,” she snarled, “you can attack me all you want, but I will  _ not _ come crawling back to you. So go ahead, bribe her into turning me out onto the streets, freeze my bank accounts, disrupt my degree. It won’t make a difference. You won’t  _ win.” _

 

            He gave her a mildly amused smile, hands patiently clasped in front of him, looking smug, as if he’d already won. “You might be good at poker, but are you ready to gamble with everything you have? Your daughter? That pesky paramedic? This is only the first hand, dear sister. The game is still ongoing.” Cocking his head to the side, her reached out, seizing her by the fur collar of her coat, lifting her up as he drew her closer, her shoulders hunched as gravity fought against his grip on her. “So if you think that you’ve won, you’re sorely mistaken. I’m a patient man, Lena. I can play this game as long as any.”

 

            Swallowing the lump in her throat, she gave him a cold look, “you underestimate me, Lex. You always have. You think you have the upperhand, but you have no idea what I’m capable of. Of how stubborn I can be. Go ahead, play your games. You’re not smart enough to beat me, you’re not even smart enough to be good at  _ this _ . You’ll only ever be the shadow of the man you replaced.”

 

            Tearing herself backwards, she broke his grip again, although Lex offered no resistance, staring at her with maddening anger in his eyes, a muscle twitching in his jaw. The tension in the room was thick, and Lena was aware of the man behind her, his arms three times the size of hers and thick with bands of muscle. It occurred to her that her brother could merely have him grab her and lock her in a room, but she knew that he wouldn’t. Too much of what Lex enjoyed was the game, the satisfaction of outsmarting someone and getting them to beg. It wouldn’t be as gratifying for him if he didn’t toy with her first, break her down and have her admit that she was wrong. Fortunately, she knew that, so she wasn’t afraid, not even when he reached for the nightstand, yanking open a drawer and pulling out a silver gun. Sliding the magazine out, he took out one of the brassy bullets, before sliding the clip back in and turning the gun around. Holding it out to her, he nodded, and urging look on his face.

 

            A wariness filled her as she reached out for it, her hand wrapping around the cool metal of it, the familiar feeling of the gun recalling memories of hours spent shooting them. She’d been gifted her first pistol at five years old. It had been pink and miniscule, from one of her father’s friends. He’d taken it off her and given her something more durable and trustworthy, before teaching her how to shoot. She’d left that gun behind in her room when she’d left. The feeling of holding one again felt so right though, so familiar that Lena had to fight back the itch to shoot something, knowing that she would hit it, even if she was out of practice. She’d always been a good shot.

 

            “For you, to even the odds,” Lex informed her, before he looked down at the bullet in his palm, plucking it between two fingers and holding it up, a sharp smile on his face. “And this one … this one will kill you one day.”

 

            Sneering, Lena shoved the gun into a pocket and gave him a look on contempt. “You’re entirely too cocky for someone who’s never been able to shoot as well as me. You need to work on your threats.”

 

            “It’s not a threat, it’s a promise.”

 

            “Yeah, well, you’ve never been able to keep your promises either. Don’t worry though, I won’t hold it against you,” Lena dismissively replied, before she turned and walked out of the bedroom. 

 

            Bruno followed after her, quietly shutting the door behind himself, before rushing to catch up. She didn’t linger though - she had no reason to - and she didn’t even slow when she heard her mother’s voice calling from behind her, making a swift exit down to the foyer and yanking open the front door.

 

            “You’re fucked. You know that, right?” Bruno said as she stepped outside, the mild wind ruffling her hair and blowing the damp smell of approaching rain with it.

 

            She turned and smiled up at him, looking far more confident than she felt, and gave him another careless shrug. “I guess we’ll find out.”

 

            Briskly walking down the sidewalk, she made it two blocks, letting the fresh air temper some of her anger before she hailed a cab, making her way back to Winn’s diner. He treated her to a chai latte when she got back, taking in the stiffness of her shoulders and her curt replies and asking no questions. He wasn’t working that morning, and they were upstairs in his apartment, Laurel playing with a few of his action figures he’d gotten out to distract her with. Unwinding on his lumpy sofa, Lena sipped at her latte, letting the smell of baking pies comfort her as she watched TV with Winn, who was sitting with his back resting against the sofa, half paying attention as he entertained Laurel with the action figures.

 

            Staying long enough to enjoy a slice of cherry pie he thrust upon her, and taking home enough bagels to keep them in stock for a week, she thanked Winn and caught the bus back to her apartment. Stopping off for groceries, she spent the rest of the afternoon making soup and doing some housework, stopping to enjoy a tea party with her insistent daughter halfway through.

 

            By the time the sun started to set, the soup had grown cold on the stove, the housework had been given up on for the day, and Kara was late. She should’ve been finished hours ago, and Lena had considered calling her to see where she was, but had laughed off the idea - she wasn’t her mother, or her girlfriend, and Kara didn’t need her checking up on her - and started to fill the tub up to give Laurel a quick bath before bed. She was relaxing in the hot water when the sound of the front door opening reached her ears, and she smiled slightly to herself, tickling her daughter’s stomach as she wrinkled her nose slightly.

 

            “Is that Aunt Kara?” she cooed.

 

            “Mom, stop,” Laurel laughed, splashing water as she squirmed.

 

            Laughing, Lena gently splashed her back, waiting for the shouted greeting as Kara made herself at home. Heavy footsteps moved towards the bathroom, Kara’s boots pounding on the wooden floorboards, and they paused outside the bathroom door. There was a slow, hesitant knock on the bathroom door, and Lena craned her neck to look at the closed door. “Hey, I’m just in the bath with Ducky. I’ll be out soon.”

 

            “Can I- can I come in? I need to shower,” Kara replied, her voice hoarse, scratchy as if she’d been crying. 

 

            Scooting up in the bath, a look of concern darkened Lena’s features, water sloshing back and forth while the little girl happily played with the floating yellow duck. Scrambling to gather the few remaining bubbles around herself, Lena cleared her throat, arms crossed over her chest. “Um, yeah, it’s- it’s open.”

 

            The handle slowly turned a moment later, and Kara stepped into the harsh brightness of the bathroom, hours after she should’ve been home, dark circles ringing her eyes and flecks of something black dried to her skin. They almost looked like tiny dotted freckles. And then she turned, glancing slightly at Lena, before averting her gaze, and Lena saw the red patches on the white t-shirt she wore in place of her shirt. Her navy uniform pants were stained with dark patches too, and her fingernails were rimmed with dried blood the colour of rust, and Lena’s mouth went dry as she looked up at her with wide eyes.

 

            “Are you okay?”

 

            Shaking her head, Kara squeezed her eyes shut, her bottom lip trembling slightly, before she reached into the shower, turning on the water and then pulling her t-shirt off. Turning her attention to her daughter, Lena let Kara strip off her clothes and climb into the billowing mist from the spray of hot water, the frosted glass of the shower door banging slightly as she gently closed it. 

 

            Feeling somewhat awkward by the closeness of her roommate showering just a few feet away, Lena climbed out of the bath, quickly grabbing a towel and wrapping it around herself, before kneeling down in front of the bath, the cold tiles biting into her knees, and wrapping a towel around Laurel. Clean pyjamas waited for both of them on the counter, and she quickly dried her daughter off, ruffling short black curls and changing her, listening to the sound of water pounding the tiled floor as Kara stood quietly beneath the water. She dressed quickly, equal parts anxious to get dressed before Kara stepped out, and to go and put on some coffee.

 

            Leaving her daughter bundled up on the sofa, Lena put a pot of coffee on to brew and went into Kara’s room, taking a pair of clean pyjamas off the pile of laundry she’d placed on the bed earlier on that afternoon, before walking back to the bathroom, warily knocking on the door as she stepped into the room, the walls sweating with beads of water as the fogged up mirror hid her own reflection from sight. Despite the chill of the tiles, the air was warm from all the hot water, and Lena cast an anxious look towards the shower.

 

            “There’s clean pyjamas on the counter,” she said over the sound of running water.

 

            “Thank you,” came Kara’s broken reply. 

 

            Lingering a moment longer, wanting to stay and ask what happened, to see if she was okay, Lena left. There wasn’t much she could do while Kara was in the shower, so she walked back into the kitchen, the rich, earthy smell of coffee beckoning her, and set about making two mugs. She added a dash of whisky to Kara’s, coming to the conclusion that she could use something to settle her nerves. She’d seemed shaken when she’d come in. It wasn’t just the blood, Lena knew that. Kara saw her fair share of it on the job, and wasn’t squeamish, which meant that it had to be something else. Her stomach dropped as she thought of James. 

 

            Pacing back and forth in the kitchen, she waited for Kara to emerge. It was another ten minutes before the water shut off, and Lena had warmed up some milk for Laurel, ready to put her daughter to bed, before resuming her anxious pacing. Eventually, Kara stepped out of the bathroom, and Lena didn’t rush her as she appeared in the mouth of the hallway, a look of exhaustion clear on her face and in the slumped shape of her shoulders.

 

            “I made you some coffee,” Lena murmured, picking up the mug and walking over to Kara. 

 

            It had already started to cool by now, but Kara took a grateful sip, coughing slightly at the burning feeling of whisky tracing a fiery path down her throat, giving Lena a mild look of surprise, but not commenting on it. She didn’t say anything, she just took her cup of coffee and walked over to the sofa, dropping down next to Laurel and scooping the little girl up onto her lap.

 

            “Hey, Little Duck,” she murmured.

 

            “Ka.”

 

            A wavering smile lit up Kara’s face, and she seemed to sag slightly, the taut lines of her face softening as she hugged the little girl to herself, eyes closing as tiny around wrapped around her neck. Letting out a squeal of laughter, Laurel sat in her lap, looking up at her with wide brown eyes, full of adoration. Running a hand through her damp, dark curls, Kara smiled, before booping her on the nose, making her laugh.

 

            Lena lingered on the threshold of where the open plan room gave way to the living area, a concerned look on her face as she clutched her cup of coffee between her hands. Kara was rarely so quiet, even on her worst days on the job, and Lena was itching to ask. She didn’t though, she didn’t want to pry. Instead, she set about heating up some of the pumpkin soup she’d made, casting furtive glances at Kara, who was happily cooing over Laurel, quietly laughing as she teased the little girl, who was having none of it, stubbornly shaking her head and smiling. Lena smiled slightly to herself, the hissing of soup sticking to the saucepan catching her attention as she turned back to the food. She wasn't sure if Kara was hungry, or if she’d eaten, having missed dinner at home, but she didn’t know what else to do, and couldn’t stand being helpless in the tense silence, so she heated up the soup anyway.

 

            “I’m going to put Ducky to bed,” Kara suddenly said, and Lena turned to find her standing with her daughter in her arms, tenderly stroking her hair while the little girl rested her head on Kara’s shoulder.

 

            “Oh, okay. I can if you want-”

 

            “It’s okay, I’ll do it. I promised her I’d read Ten Little Rubber Ducks.”

 

            Giving her a thin smile, Lena nodded, turning the stove off and setting the spoon down, before walking over to them. She took her daughter off Kara, pressing a kiss to her cheek as arms wound around her, eyelids slowly closing over tired eyes, and she held her close as she eyed Kara over the top of her head. Kissing her once more, she handed Laurel back over, her daughter willingly going to the blonde with no objection. Lena couldn’t help but notice that Kara smelled like pomegranate and vanilla, like their soap, her nails clean from dried blood and her large, worn sweater swallowing her up. She gave Lena a reassuring smile, before turning towards the hallway, carrying the tired child into Lena’s room. The dim yellow glow of the nightlight clicked on a moment later, and as she strained her ears, she heard Kara’s quiet voice start reciting from the thin book kept on the nightstand.

 

            Lingering in the kitchen, Lena poured the steaming soup into a bowl, cutting a few slices of crusty bread from the loaf she’d stopped off to buy at a nearby bakery, and set it on the kitchen table, quietly pulling a chair out as she waited for Kara to come back out. It wasn’t long, barely five minutes later, and she gave Lena a tired smile as she ran a hand through her hair, letting out a heavy sigh.

 

            “You should eat,” Lena quietly prompted her, gesturing towards the bowl.

 

            Nodding, Kara walked over to the table, dropping down onto the chair with grim resolution, picking up the bread and tearing a piece off. They were silent as Lena watched her eat, her stomach tying itself into knots as her mind went over everything that could’ve happened. It was unusual for Kara to be  _ this _ quiet. She’d had gunshot victims bleed out beneath her hands, had rushed burn victims to hospital with their horrific blisters and raw, weeping patches burned down to the bone, had told Lena about the man that had tried to saw his own leg off with shocked fascination. It had never left her silent.

 

            “It’s good,” Kara eventually said.

 

            Lena nodded, silently accepting the compliment, although she was pleased inside, having gone through the effort of making it from scratch because Kara mentioned that she loved pumpkin soup so much. She didn’t say anything though, waiting for Kara to tell her on her own time. She didn’t until the bowl was empty, the spoon quietly clattering against the rim of the bowl. Lena pushed the chair back and climbed to her feet, gathering up the dirty dishes, batting Kara’s hands and objections aside when she tried to do it herself, and carried it over to the kitchen, dumping them in the sink. Kara slowly followed her, an apprehensive look on her face as she stared down at the marbled counters.

 

            “James got shot,” she eventually said. 

 

            “Oh  _ God _ , is he okay?” Lena quietly exclaimed, her green eyes wide with concern as she took a step towards Kara, who was tracing the pattern of the countertops with a fingertip, her lip pressed together in a grim line.

 

            “He’ll be fine. It’s not- it’s not serious. It didn’t hit any organs, it went straight through. I just- there was  _ so much blood. _ We were packing everything away from a crash site, nothing more than bumps and bruises, and this guy … he just … he  _ shot _ him.”

 

            Lena took another step towards her, slowly opening her arms, and Kara came into them willingly, letting Lena tenderly stroke her hair as she held her close. She could feel her shaking in her arms, rattled by the thought of losing her friend and partner, and Lena squeezed her tightly. They stood in the middle of the kitchen like that for a few minutes, until Kara pulled back, her eyes a little bloodshot and the circles beneath them looking even darker than before.

 

            Reaching out, Lena cupped her cheek in her hand and gave her a grim smile. “You should sleep.”

 

            “Yeah,” she murmured, avoiding her gaze.

 

            “What is it?”

 

            Kara looked up, her blue eyes sorrowful and full of pity as she shifted uncomfortably before Lena. At the urging look on Lena’s face, she let out a soft sigh, lips turning down at the corners. “It was your brother. The guy … the cops were already there. They had him pinned in an instant, and he- he’s part of your family’s … he works for your brother.”

 

            Feeling as if she’d been punched in the stomach, Lena swallowed the lump that rose in her throat, eyes prickling with tears as she took a slow step backwards. “Oh.” 

 

            It was her fault. She’d provoked him that morning, and he’d retaliated by taking it out on one of her friends. Lena felt awful for the brief flicker of relief that it had been James instead of Kara, before guilt came crashing down on her. He could’ve died, all because she was too stubborn and proud. Her brother had warned her that this was just the start of his games, just the first hand, and she’d goaded him into action. Clenching her teeth together, she nodded, fighting back the burning rage inside as she curled her hands into fists. 

 

            “You should move in with Alex,” she eventually replied.

 

            “Wha- Lena, this isn’t  _ your _ fault,” Kara assured her, an honest look on her face as she stepped towards her, one hand reaching out for her.

 

            “Yes it is,” she flatly replied.

 

            “You didn’t-”

 

            “What if it’s you next? Hm? What if it’s Alex? Will you blame me then?”

 

            Opening and closing her mouth, Kara gave her an affronted look, her eyebrows furrowing into a look of consternation as her expression darkened. Reaching out, she grabbed Lena by the shoulders, giving her a gentle shake. “Look, listen to me, this isn’t  _ your _ fault. You didn’t do it. All you did was leave. That’s all. So anything that he does to get you back, that’s on him, not you. I wouldn’t- I won’t let you go back to him to save the people I love.  _ You’re _ one of them, okay? You mean as much to me as James does. And he … he’ll be okay. It’s just a flesh wound. I just- I didn’t know what we were up against.”

 

            “There’s no  _ we _ , Kara,” Lena quietly snapped, her face pale as she looked at her wide worry. “I won’t let you be a part of this. Pack your bags. Go and live with your sister. She was right; I'm nothing but trouble. You’re better off without me in your life.”

 

            Letting out a quick laugh, Kara gave her a small smile, her eyes sparkling with amusement, “you really know how to sell yourself short, huh? I won’t let you kick me out of my own home, Lena.”

 

            “Then I’ll go.”

 

            “Okay,” Kara readily agreed, stubbornly jutting her chin forward, “but I’ll come with you.”

 

            “You-” Lena sighed impatiently, gritting her teeth as she fought back the urge to stamp her foot in frustration.

 

            Reaching out, Kara took her hand in her own, giving it a quick squeeze as she gave her a soft smile, a pleading look in her eyes. “I don’t need you to protect me, Lena. I just don’t want to lose you. This was just a warning, right? Then we’ll just be more careful.”

 

            “If he hurts you-”

 

            “He won’t. Now, my legs are about to give out beneath me, so let’s go to bed.”

 

            Nodding, Lena ran a hand over her face, feeling suddenly exhausted, despite the fact that it was barely seven, the city already pitch black outside the windows though. It was warm inside the apartment, the heating blowing warm air out of the vents, yet she couldn’t help but shiver slightly, and she didn’t attribute it to the cold. Switching all the lights out, and making sure all three locks on the door were locked - the thought about whether she should get a fourth crossed her mind - Lena walked towards the dim yellow light emitting from her room, the shadowy figure of her roommate lingering in the hallway nearby.

 

            “Hey,” Kara’s quiet voice loomed out of the darkness, “do you mind if I stay in your room tonight? I think- I just- well … I get what you mean about the dark now.”

 

            Her face crumpled slightly at Kara’s words, and Lena was grateful that the darkness hid her face as she crossed the room, stepping into the hallway and rearranging her features before the nightlight spilling out of her bedroom could highlight the tense look of sadness on her face. The strained smile wasn’t much better, but it was something, and she gave Kara a small nod, reaching out for her hand and giving it a quick squeeze, before dropping it.

 

            Stepping into her room, she turned down the covers, while Kara closed the door, both of them easily navigating their way around furniture, a laundry basket abandoned on the floor, and baby toys that Lena hadn’t had time to clean up. Leaning over the crib, Lena checked to make sure that Laurel was asleep, the baby fast asleep on her back, blankets kicked down to the end, and she carefully pulled them back up, draping them over her and tucking her back in, before she slipped into her own bed. 

 

            The mattress jostled on the other side as Kara climbed in beside her, wrapping herself up in the quilt, while Lena pummelled her pillows into shape. It had been months since their talk on New Year’s Eve, where they’d shared small truths and Kara had told her that if she ever got afraid of the dark, she could always stay in her room. Lena hadn’t taken her up on that offer, the nightlight a permanent fixture in her bedroom, more so for Laurel’s sake than her own, and as they both lay side by side, facing opposite directions, she found it strange. She’d never slept in a bed with anyone else before. The quiet sound of Kara’s breathing was comforting in a different way to the sound of her daughter’s, mere feet away, and she could feel the heat radiating off her in waves. 

 

            Hesitantly, she rolled over, briefly resting a hand on Kara’s shoulder, making her jump slightly as she craned her head around to peer up at her. “Goodnight,” Lena whispered, watching Kara’s face relax into a smile.

 

            “Goodnight, Lena.”

 

            Turning back over, she burrowed down beneath the blankets and stared at her daughter through the bars of her crib, the yellow of the nightlight a comforting presence. An even more keenly felt presence was the gun stowed in her nightstand, within easy reach, and Lena found herself comforted by it. She hadn’t told Kara, she didn’t want her to be alarmed by the fact that there was a gun in the apartment, but she was glad it was there anyway, a wry feeling of amusement washing over her at the thought of being grateful to something her brother had given her, because it could offer her some protection from him himself. With the knowledge that it was there if she needed it, as well as the comforting awareness of Kara sleeping safely beside her, Lena drifted off to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

            The next day, Lena went to National City Hospital to see James, wracked with guilt and shifting nervously as she made her way up to the ward he was staying on. Kara was beside her, having been given the day off, pushing Laurel in her pushchair, quietly assuring Lena that everything was okay. Hesitating outside the private room he was in, she let Kara quietly knock and poke her head in first, checking to make sure he was awake. She was ushered inside a moment later, her face drawn with worry as she clutched a bouquet of daisies in her hand. Lucy was there, having flown in from Metropolis at the news, and James was resting against a pile of thin hospital pillows, the scratchy blankets pulled up over his gown. He waved Lena’s guilty apologies aside, cracking smiles and jokes, letting Laurel sit on the bed as he shared a piece of the chocolate he’d been brought by a visitor with her. He didn’t blame Lena once.

 

            It didn’t stop her from feeling awful about it though, and not everyone was on her side. They all met up for pizza a few days later, minus James, and Alex brought along Maggie, whose accusing eyes let her know that she blamed her. She had good reason to; she was a cop, and she had to deal with the fact that she couldn’t bring down the man who was untouchable. Lionel had the whole city in his pocket, bribing and blackmailing lawyers, judges, cops, and killing any rival mob members who got it in their head to try and undermine him. Lex had taken over, and no matter how many murders he got himself wrapped up in, he was just as untouchable. Lena knew that Maggie hated that more than anything. She hated it herself too.

 

            Lena had realised early on that the cops wouldn’t be any help. If she wanted to protect herself, she’d have to do it herself, and after James got shot, she took matters into her own hands. Dressing up in the few clothes she kept for special occasions, where she needed to channel the heiress mob daughter, she brought Alex with her to the bank, where she withdrew all of her jewelry from her safety deposit box. They went to a jewellers on the high street, wedged in between Prada and Armani, the store dimly lit and smelling of old velvet and expensive wood. The place smelled like bergamot and Lena shifted impatiently as she was forced to wait, perching on one of the deep leather sofas as she glanced around at the mahogany wooden panels and display cabinets. Rare diamonds sparkled behind thick glass windows and security guards lurked in dark corners, keeping a watchful eye on her.

 

            She’d been a frequent visitor to the store before, and most of the items she had with her had been bought in that very shop, the owner a well known associate of her father’s. By the end of her visit, she’d sold them all for a modest profit, using Alex’s argumentative skills to aid her in her knowledge of jewels. Lena knew what they were worth, and Alex, ever the stubborn lawyer, viciously played the game of bartering. Afterwards, Lena treated her to a meal at Boucherie, a French restaurant the next block over, the quiet hum of jazz music keeping them company as they enjoyed escargot and tarte tatin. 

 

            With her bank account holding sufficient funds, Lena spent the following weeks investing in safe businesses she knew her family already had holding in. She bought up any shares available, she bought investment properties and flipped them, the cash in her account slowly ticking up. Business was something she knew, something she’d grown up on. A lot of her family’s business happened to be in smuggling, but that didn’t change the principle of it, and she’d been allowed to accompany her mother on a few business meetings upon occasion - usually when she was misbehaving and Lillian didn’t want to let her out of her sight - listening in as they talked. Lena thought that in another life she would’ve made a good businesswoman.

 

            In a few short months, she had accumulated and even larger sum. Enough to move somewhere safer. Kara fought her on it at first, insisting that their apartment now was fine. It was clean, in a safe neighbourhood, and had enough space for them. For now. But with a toddler crammed into her room with her, Lena knew that she was going to need more space anyway. And even though James’ gunshot wound healed up quickly, her friend back to his usual good natured self, and back in his ambulance with his partner, she couldn’t help but feel like it had been meant for Kara. There was no proof to assume that it had been, and James hadn’t thrown himself in front of her. It had hit him plainly, but Lena wasn’t sure if that had just been bad luck on his and the shooter’s part. It could just as easily have been Kara. She wanted somewhere safer for them, and that meant tighter security, better neighbourhoods and an expensive apartment. 

 

            They ended up choosing a three bedroom one just off National City Boulevard, an upper-class area near the Modern Arts Cultural Museum and a short walk to the cluster of expensive restaurants, bars and stores. It was a big step up from where they were currently stay it, and she watched Kara flounder slightly at the thought of how much a place like that would cost. It was spacious, a proper living room and dining room splitting off from the open plan kitchen. Cream carpets and dark wooden floors, high ceilings and floor to ceiling arched windows overlooking the port in the distance, the sparkling blue water glimmering as they stepped out onto the small balcony. The three bedrooms looked enormous in their empty state, but would still have comfortably fit their current rooms in with room to spare. The bathroom was huge, with a freestanding tub in the middle, the worktops were all marble, and despite the age of the apartment, it perfectly combine modern with the elegance of earlier generations. 

 

            The balcony threw Lena off originally, thoughts of Laurel finding her way outside making her uneasy, although the stone wall enclosing it came up to above  _ her _ waist, so there was little chance of a toddler climbing higher than that. Then there were the thoughts of her brother’s men easily breaking into their apartment through it. That was the more paranoid side of her mind though, as they’d always had a fire escape outside their windows, and nothing had come of it. In the end, it was the fireplace that sold her. It was large and empty, but the carved dark wood added something to the living room, and she could imagine them sitting in front of a fire in the winter, their stockings pinned to it for Christmas, the built-in white shelves on either side of it crammed with their books and framed photos. They’d need to buy more furniture - the kind that belonged in an expensive apartment - but it could be a nice home. There was a security guard on duty at all times in the lobby, a working elevator, and the possibility of settling down somewhere. Lena didn’t even consider the fact that it wouldn’t be the three of them forever. It all seemed so set in her mind in that moment.

 

            She put in an offer for the apartment, easily affordable after selling off her jewelry, and they started packing up the things they were going to take with them. At Lena’s insistence, they hired an interior designer who helped them pick out furniture for the place. By the time they’d finished boxing up all of their belongings and getting rid of the things they didn’t need, their new place had been fully furnished. The kitchen held an assortment of pans dangling from display hooks - the brands far too expensive for the amount of cooking they did - matching dinner sets and an assortment of glasses for different kinds of drinks neatly stacked in the kitchen cupboards. A vintage Persian rug sat beneath a new dining table, cream leather chairs neatly pushed in and various pieces of artwork hanging from the walls. The living room was every she’d dreamt of, a new leather sofa set before the fire, some of their books already crowding the shelves and Lena had a deep sense of satisfaction as she looked around at their new home.

 

            They were moving the last of their boxes, their clothes and things that they hadn’t had time to drive over to their new place in Alex’s car, while Lena was simultaneously trying to handle getting a toddler fed. Kara was dragging the rest of their boxes out into a pile beside the door while Lena made them both oatmeal, theirs cooling somewhat beside their cups of coffee, while Laurel spread oats everywhere she could manage from the confines of her highchair.

 

            “What’s this?”

 

            Turning away from Laurel, who was clumsily feeding herself, with Lena’s limited assistance, her eyes locked onto the shiny gun dangling from Kara’s hand, and she felt her stomach clench as a spasm of guilt flashed across her face. A flicker of irritation welled up as well. “You’ve been going through my things.”

 

            “A  _ gun _ . In our  _ home _ . What the hell, Lena! You have a  _ daughter _ who lives here! _ ” _

 

            “It’s not loaded, Kara,” Lena said, bristling slightly at the insinuation of her endangering her child. “I’m not  _ that _ stupid. It’s just a precaution.”

 

            “A precaution?” the blonde spluttered, looking aghast,  _ “how _ is owning a gun a precaution? It’s just plain dangerous.”

 

            Giving her an exasperated look, Lena wiped oats off her daughter’s chin, giving Laurel a smile as she hummed, eating a mouthful of her breakfast, before turning back to Kara. “It’s to protect us.”

 

            “Protect- can you even  _ use _ it? Do you have a gun license?”

 

            Rolling her eyes, Lena let out a withering sigh, “I’ve been around guns my entire life, Kara, what do you think?”

 

            “I think that I’ve seen  _ so many _ gunshot wounds with my job, and nothing good ever comes from owning one. What, are you going to shoot your brother or his friends if they come in here?”

 

            “Obviously,” Lena tersely replied, so matter-of-factly that Kara paused for a moment, opening and closing her mouth as she was rendered speechless for a moment.

 

            Looking back over at her, Lena paused for a moment, closing her eyes and letting out a small sigh. “Kara, you know that I would do anything for her. And I’d protect you too. Yes, okay, maybe I should’ve told you-”

 

_             “Maybe?” _

 

_             “But _ I didn’t want you to worry. I know how this game works, I know it by heart. He  _ has _ to have control. If I can walk away with no consequences, what about the others? If I, a woman and his little sister, can defy him, then who’s going to take him seriously? And yes, he loves me, in some sick, twisted way, my brother loves me, because that’s how we were raised, and family matters. But family’s also a threat, and threats need to be controlled. So he’ll come. It’ll be in a year, or five, depending on how threatened he feels, or how threatened he thinks  _ I  _ am, and when he does, I won’t back down without a fight. So yes, I have a gun, and I can use it, and I  _ will _ use it if I have to. Now, come and eat your breakfast. It’s getting cold.”

 

            A wary look on her face, Kara walked over to the bowl sitting on the floor - their table and chairs had been sold on Craigslist and picked up two days ago - and abandoned the gun beside her with a clatter. Eating in silence for a few minutes, while Lena nursed her own coffee and tried to keep her daughter from making too much of a mess, disapproval radiated off Kara in waves. It wasn’t until her bowl was scraped clean, her lithe limbs unfolding as she climbed to her feet, leaving the gun where it was, that she spoke, her voice low and firm as she briefly touched Lena on her arm.

 

            “I want you to get rid of it. Please.”

 

            Biting back the urge to argue, to insist that it was necessary, that it wouldn’t be used unless it was a last resort, Lena swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. They’d bought a new apartment so that they’d be safer, further away from the crime districts - although that meant little to a mob family with blurred lines on where they left their business behind - and although she’d feel safer with it, Kara wouldn’t. For Kara, it would give her the same sense of danger that Lex gave Lena. Besides, the gun wouldn’t be registered, and if she got caught with it, then she’d be in more trouble. She shouldn’t have taken it from him in the first place.

 

            “Okay,” she quietly agreed.

 

            They left it at that and the rest of their move went smoothly, both of them settling in with ease. It was near the end of February, just before Lena’s twenty-first birthday, and they had a small housewarming party at their apartment, which doubled as Lena’s birthday party too. It didn’t stop Kara from dragging her away from her research paper she was writing on the day of her actual birthday, dropping Laurel off at Alex’s and catching a cab towards one of the inner city food strips. 

 

            She’d made reservations at a Japanese restaurant, dim red lighting illuminating the place as they slid into the dark booth. It was a rare opportunity for both of them to dress up, and Lena found herself enjoying the reprieve from her heavy workload - she’d managed to pressure a clinical psychologist into giving her a place at his practice for her placement - relaxing under the warm ambience of the place. They laughed and chatted as they sipped sake, the liquor taking the edge off of Lena’s usual stiffness, and they ordered plate after plate of food, taking their time as they enjoyed their evening. Lena was glad that it was something quiet, just the two of them, a nice reprieve for them both, although it didn’t stop Kara from trying to nudge her into letting them all take her out clubbing, insisting that it was a traditional rite of passage. Apparently it didn’t matter if she’d spent a large portion of her childhood sitting in the back of smoky bars, or wedged in beside her brother in a booth in a club, drinking Grey Goose vodka in their private area.

 

            “Come on, Lena. You need to get out more! Your brain is all baby and psychology,” Kara laughed, reaching out to gently poke her forehead, while Lena rolled her eyes and smiled. “You need to go on a date, take a day off from being a mom, get drunk!”

 

            “My partying days are behind me,” she dryly replied, giving Kara an amused look, “Ducky’s always going to be my first priority. Besides, I’m only twenty-one, Kara. I’m not a spinster yet.”

 

            Sighing, Kara gave her a reproving look, “I know, I know, I just- you deserve to have fun too! The rest of us are always going out, and you always stay at home. And before you use Ducky as an excuse, Sam was sixteen when she had Ruby, and she still loves to party.”

 

            With a pointed look, reaching out to steal a seaweed wrapped piece of onigiri with her chopsticks, Lena tried to fight back a smile, “Sam wasn’t the daughter of a notorious crime family. Besides, I’m not really in a place to be in a relationship.”

 

            “Who said anything about a relationship? Go home with strangers!”

 

            Choking on a laugh, Lena shook her head. “Strangers? They’d probably be in my brother’s pocket and hold a knife to my throat while they sold me out to him. No thanks.”

 

            With an exasperated look on her face, Kara braced herself against the table, palms flat against the varnished surface, and leant towards Lena, an amused look on her face. “Has anyone ever told you you’re a little paranoid?”

 

            “Only a little?” Lena quipped, before her smile wilted a little and her expression softened, abandoning her sashimi, the thin slivers of raw salmon neatly lining the place, neat slices of a half-eaten California roll beside it, and rested her hand on top of Kara’s. “Look, I get what you’re saying. I know my social life is … non-existent.” They both laughed, and Lena shrugged slightly, “but I’m not a trusting person. I mean, I never used to have to worry about my safety, so it didn’t matter what I did, or who I did it with, but now … I have a daughter to think about, and the list of people I trust is very short. It’s practically limited to your friends, and I don’t think sleeping with any of them would be a good idea.”

 

            “Fair point. I just- you deserve to be happy, Lena. You deserve to go out and enjoy yourself and not worry about the consequences. I mean, as long as you don’t pop out another child, because I’m not sure we have enough space for another one right now.”

 

            Laughing, Lena picked up her chopsticks and picked up a piece of salmon, dipping it in soy sauce and taking a bite, while Kara gave her a searching look for a moment longer. “I’m fine, Kara. You don’t have to worry about me.”

 

            “I know I don’t,” Kara quietly murmured, a softness to her features as she smiled, “but I do anyway.”

 

\---

 

            It was two weeks later when she received a housewarming gift, and not a particularly nice one. She’d just finished getting Laurel dressed, leaving her in front of the TV with a collection of wooden building blocks, dolls and toy cars, and was hastily packing Kara’s lunch for her, listening to the sirens echoing throughout the bustling city. Leftover spring rolls from last night’s Chinese, a quickly grabbed apple, and a ham sandwich shoved into a paper bag, Kara’s frustrated intelligible ramblings echoing down the hallway leading to her bedroom as she got herself ready.

 

            “I can’t find my pants!” she exclaimed, coming out of the hallway buttoning up her navy shirt, a pair of mismatched socks on her feet and a serious look on her face. 

 

            “In the laundry room. Should be hanging up,” Lena told her, glancing up to check on her daughter as she folded over the top of the paper bag, before grabbing a thermos and filling it with coffee. 

 

            She was screwing the lid on when a loud knock on the door interrupted her. Sighing, she made sure the lid was tight and left it beside Kara’s lunch, quickly picking her way across the kitchen and walking towards the door. Peeking through the peephole, she took in the top of Maggie’s head, the short woman looking decidedly unimpressed, as usual when it came to Lena, and she drew back the chain, the deadbolt and unlocked the door, opening it to let her in. Maggie didn’t wait for an invitation, brushing past her and striding into the apartment, a scowl on her face and her cheeks flushed red with anger.

 

            “Maggie. Is everything okay?” Lena asked, trailing after her.

 

            “Define okay,” the other woman tightly replied, one hand clutching an envelope, the other resting on her hip, the front of her police windbreaker pushed back to reveal her badge. She was clearly on duty, and something was obviously wrong. “Is it four officers from my precinct having their throats slit? Their bodies outside  _ your _ apartment building. A note off  _ your _ brother.”

 

            Blanching slightly, Lena gave her a stunned look, her mouth going dry with fear. “What?” she hoarsely asked, thinking about the abundance of sirens that she'd been hearing that morning. More than usual.

 

            “A message for you,” Maggie snorted, tossing the envelope at Lena, the thin paper softly hitting the front of her t-shirt before it dropped down to the floor. Reaching down to scoop it up, Lena pulled out the piece of heavy duty paper with trembling fingers, staring down at the blunt letter strokes on the expensive paper. His name was monogrammed on it in gold lettering, the words deeply etched onto the page from the force of the writing.

 

_ Hope you’re settling into your new apartment. Here’s a gift for you. I’ll see you soon. _

 

            Her hands went limp, the paper crumpling slightly in her hand, and she let Maggie snatch it back from her, an angry look in her eyes. “Shouldn’t you have that bagged for forensics?” Lena numbly murmured, her stomach knotting itself uncomfortably.

 

            With a laugh, Maggie gave her a look of bitter amusement, her back to Kara as she stumbled down the hallway, her pants half on, unaware of the tension between the two women lingering just inside the doorway.

 

            “Maggie, hi. You’re over early. Is Alex here?”

 

            “You think  _ this _ is going to incriminate your brother?” Maggie snapped, ignoring Kara’s greeting. “You think a note with his name on it will help us bring him in? God, are you really naive enough to think that?”

 

            “What’s going on?” Kara asked, an apprehensive look on her face as she moved towards them, placing herself off to the side, looking to Lena for an explanation.

 

            “Those dead bodies outside - bodies of my  _ friends _ \- aren’t even enough,” Maggie bitingly continued, “they’ll go missing from the morgue. The dirty cops will cover it up. And guess who gets to wipe his hands free of it all? Your brother is all but immune.”

 

            Gritting her teeth in frustration, Lena nodded. It was true, but it wasn’t  _ her _ fault. She hadn’t asked for him to kill the cops, she hadn’t helped him orchestrate it, but she couldn’t fault Maggie for her anger, as frustrating as it was to take the brunt of it. Kara wasn’t so quick to let it slide though, arms folded across her chest as she took a step forward, a frown creasing her forehead.

 

            “Hold on, Maggie. This isn’t fair; she’s done nothing wrong.”

 

            Turning her dark look on her girlfriend’s sister, Maggie gave her a hard look. “No?”

 

            “Look, I know you don’t like me, because of who my family is, or whatever,” Lena calmly replied, her voice low and even as she tried to placate the cop standing across from her, “but this isn’t my fault.”

 

            “Of _course_ it’s your fault! You act so entitled, like the world owes you things, and you take what you want. You think I haven’t seen your file? All the carjackings and joy rides from when you were fourteen? Petty theft, vandalism, arson. And how many were you charged with? None. And I’m supposed to believe that you just _stopped?_ You got yourself knocked up and decided to reform your life? Well _I don’t_ _buy it._ Whatever this is,” she angrily replied, waving the letter at Lena, “it’s on you as much as him.”

 

            Giving her a cool, haughty look, Lena raised her chin slightly, “you don’t even know me.”

 

            With a tight smile, Maggie gave a small shrug, “you’re right, and you might have everyone else fooled - Kara, and Alex - but they don’t know you either.”

 

            Tiny footsteps tottered towards them, and Lena looked passed Maggie to watch as Laurel came towards her, a car clutched in one hand, her dark hair curling around her shoulders as she looked up at the three of them, a smile on her face. 

 

            “Mommy play cars.”

 

            “Come on, Little Duck,” Kara lightly replied, smiling down at her as she rested a hand on the top of her head, “I’ll come and play with you.”

 

            Maggie turned and seemed to pause, slightly taken aback by the little girl, before she scowled, turning around to give Lena one last suspicious look, before letting herself out of the apartment. The sound of the door shutting made Lena slump in defeat and relief. She couldn’t win, no matter what precautions she put in place. He could’ve just as easily had his men drag the security guard out from behind his desk and shot him in the street. Instead, he was intent on showing her just how untouchable he was. He could kill cops and no one would even blink. Of course there were the people who hated him, their disgust and need for revenge rivaling hers, but they weren’t high up enough to do anything, and if they had been, and had denied him, they would’ve been taken out by the end of the week. He’d won this hand, showing off his power and control over the city, but it just cemented Lena’s need to take him down.

 

            Looking over at Kara, sitting on the floor with her legs crossed, running little toy cars across the rug as she made accompanying noises, she felt her worry double. Kara was so intent on staying, brushing aside Lena’s concerns, even now, and Lena couldn’t help but feel a flicker of regret for dragging her into this mess. She would’ve been just as content with her life if they’d never met, if she’d spent the next few years saving for a better apartment, spending her days safely riding in the back of her ambulance, her partner never getting shot, dead bodies not placed outside the door of their building like a cat bringing gifts for its owner. 

 

            “You’re going to be late,” Lena called out, her voice scratchy, as if she was about to cry. She couldn’t bring herself to meet Kara’s eyes, and she turned away, walking towards the kitchen to get started on the breakfast dishes.

 

            “I’ll call in sick,” Kara replied, “we can go to the museum today. Take Ducky to the park near the Plaza.”

 

            “No,” Lena told her, “you should go to work.”

 

            “Lena-”

 

            “I’m fine, Kara.”

 

            She left after that, taking the lunch prepared for her and kissing Laurel goodbye, while the little girl tried to follow after her. Cleaning up the apartment, listening to the sound of the kid’s show on the TV, Lena fought back the emotions trying to rise within, ignoring phone calls as she vacuumed, put on a load of laundry and wiped down all the counters. It wasn’t until she put Laurel down for a nap, after reading her three different stories and letting her attempt to brush Lena’s hair, that she broke down. Just for a few minutes. Her eyes were red and slightly puffy as she washed her face in the bathroom sink, before going to make herself some tea and laying down on the sofa in the living room.

 

            When Kara came home that evening, bearing gifts in the form of goulash, dumplings and apple strudels from a Viennese takeout place near the hospital, to find Lena in much the same position, a small fire burning in the grate and Laurel tucked up beside her beneath the heavy blanket. Her expression softened as she looked at them both cuddled up, and Lena managed a slight twitch of her lips, not in the mood for Kara to try and console her. It would just make her feel worse. Instead, she was silently plied with food, sharing some of the dumplings with Laurel, who sat between her and Kara, giving them doe-eyed looks for more food.

 

            It was nearing six o’clock by the time they finished, and Kara cleared away the takeout containers crowding the coffee table, still dressed in her uniform, and gave Lena an encouraging look. “Get dressed. We’re going out tonight.”

 

            “I can’t. I don’t have anyone to look after Ducky.”

 

            “Sam has food poisoning so she can’t come. Alex’s coming to pick Ducky up now and take her over to her place.”

 

            “I can’t let someone with food poisoning look after my daughter,” Lena argued. "She should be resting!"

 

            “It’s on the outs. She thinks it was a bad taco from the other day. Besides, Alex is newly single, so she needs this too. So … get dressed.”

 

            It was left at that, and Lena reluctantly went to find a dress, slowly coming to terms with the fact that perhaps getting drunk  _ would _ be the best thing for her. Even if it wasn’t, it was something to do, and she felt like she owed it to Alex, the nagging suspicion that she had been the reason that her and Maggie had broken up creeping in on her mind. 

 

            She said as much to Alex when she showed up, looking dour and anything but enthusiastic at the thought of a night out, but she waved Lena’s quiet apologies aside, assuring her that there had been more issues there than Maggie’s distrust of Lena. Her guilty conscience eased a little, Lena accepted that and let her take Laurel, kissing her daughter goodbye and handing over her bag, before Alex disappeared, soon to return.

 

            Lucy was still in town, so her, James and Winn joined their trio and the six of them met at a local bar, making it through two rounds before they moved on. The main strip of clubs and bars was lit up on the Friday night, throngs of people crowding the sidewalks as they wove through them, making for the popular clubs shaking with heavy bass music. The night dragged on with each drink that Lena consumed, alcohol burning its way down her throat as it took the edge off the tense fear coiled inside her stomach. She tried her best to enjoy herself, letting Kara drag her to the dancefloor, singing along with everyone else when they went to a bar famous for its karaoke, but as the night wore on, she found herself slumped with exhaustion. More so her mind than anything else. The music was too loud, the room too stuffy and packed, and her body was itching for something else to help her stamp down her feelings. The alcohol had only worked so much, and she didn’t want to risk a hangover in the morning.

 

            Giving her friends the slip, she pushed her way through the packed crowd of bodies, hands grabbing at her, drinks spilling on her and loud shouts going over her head as she ignored the attention from a few of the other patrons. Spilling out onto the sidewalk, she sucked in a grateful lung of damp air, wandering a few steps away from the door to rest against the side of the building, her eyes closing as she tilted her head back, the bright neon lights of the signs an orange glow behind her eyelids. The smell of cigarette smoke caught her attention and she coaxed one off a skinny guy smoking a few feet away from her, letting him light it before she studiously ignored him until he got irritated at her and left. 

 

            The dull thumping of the music was muted by the closed door, the lit cigarette dangling from her fingers as she breathed in the fresh air. Her skin was feverish from the alcohol and dancing, and the biting wind was like a gentle caress against her skin as she listened to the sound of drunken shouts spilling out of the dozens of clubs and bars lining the streets. The colourful neon lights glowing on the wet pavements and a gentle drizzle of rain making everything seem even hazier as Lena’s vision blurred around the edges. It had been a long time since she’d gotten drunk, and she’d needed it this time, like she hadn’t before. 

 

            “There you are!” Kara exclaimed, loud music following her out of the door as she emerged into the night, a little unsteady on her feet as she brushed sweaty tendrils of hair off her face. Coming to a stop in front of Lena, her few extra inches making her loom over her, Kara’s mouth turned down in a disapproving look as Lena took a drag of the cigarette. “Those things are bad for you, you know.”

 

            Plucking it from between Lena’s lips, Kara ground it out on the brick wall beside her head, the orange embers of the lit tobacco dying out as ashes drifted down to the sidewalk. Rolling her eyes, Lena turned her head aside and blew out a thin stream of white smoke, before turning back to Kara and giving her an amused smile.

 

            “You’re so good, you know that?” Lena drunkenly mumbled, letting the wall support her weight as she slumped back against it, a slight frown gracing her face as she stared up at Kara. “Always so nice, like sunshine. And you have a beautiful heart - I think it might be the most beautiful thing about you. I wish I could find someone like you.”

 

            Cocking her head to the side, Kara’s forehead creased in puzzlement as she smiled, her blue eyes crinkling at the corners. Her lipstick was worn away, her eyeliner smudged, and the strong flowery smell of Chanel No. 5 enveloped her in a cloud. She was close enough that Lena could see the sheen of sweat on her collarbone, peeking out from beneath the thin strap of the deep blue dress she wore, could smell the peach schnapps from the cocktail she'd been drinking and cheap beer from drinks spilled on her as they squeezed through the packed bar. 

 

            “But I’m right here.”

 

            Laughing, Lena shook her head, a tight smile on her lips as she looked up at her. “I know you are, but I don’t mean it like that.” She reached out and tucked a damp lock of Kara’s hair behind her ear, raindrops misting on their skin as they cooled off in the early August weather. “I want someone that I can have some fun with.”

 

            Reaching out, Kara cupped her cheek in a cool hand, her thumb gently brushing dots of rain off of Lena’s skin as she gave her an understanding smile. “You want to have  _ fun?” _

 

            “Yeah. Yeah, I think … you were right. But I don’t want to go home with a stranger.”

 

            Leaning in closer, so close that her warm breath fanned across Lena’s cheek, making her neck ripple with goosebumps, Kara cupped her face in one hand, bracing herself against the wall with the other. “Then come home with me.”

 

            “Obviously,” Lena drunkenly laughed, turning her head to the side as she tried to look at Kara, her nose brushing against her cheek, and Lena let her eyelids flutter closed, a small smile playing on her lips. “Where else would I go?”

 

            She shuddered at the feeling of Kara’s lips grazing her earlobe, “I’m not a stranger, Lena.”

 

            Pulling back, as much as she could while already pressed up against the cold brick wall, Lena’s eyebrows rose and the fogginess clouding her mind parted in a moment of clarity, a look of understanding dawning on her face. “You and me? You want me and you to-”

 

            Quietly laughing, tipping her head back as she drew in a deep breath and exhaled purposefully, a soft look of amusement on her face as she lowered her head and gave Lena a piercing look. Carelessly shrugging, Kara delicately arched a blonde eyebrow, a smile curling her lips in a familiar way. “It could be fun.”

 

            “And then?”

 

            “And then it never happened,” Kara whispered, stepping closer, the hand cupping Lena’s cheek trailing down her neck, over her shoulder and down her side, coming to a stop at her waist. The other hand was still braced against the wall.

 

            Pausing for a moment, Lena tried to muddle through her sluggish thoughts. There were reasons not to, a hundred of them, but Kara was so close, an almost hopeful look in her eyes, and her lips were parted slightly as she gave Lena an expectant look. It would be so easy to just give in. Just for one night, she could have fun and forget the consequences. In the morning, everything would be back to normal. It wasn’t about feelings, just about sex, and that was what she wanted. No strings, no expectations, just a bit of fun to pass the time, until she figured things out. And why  _ shouldn’t _ it be Kara? Lena had said she didn’t want to fool around with a stranger, and Kara was far from a stranger. Lena trusted her. She depended on her. What they had was something deeper than any relationship Lena had ever been in, so how different would things be in the morning? They’d been living together for nearly two and a half years, it wasn’t going to be awkward or uncomfortable - they were far past that - and in her intoxicated state, after a rough week, Lena  _ needed _ it. She couldn’t come up with a good enough reason to say no, not when her mind was telling her yes.

 

            Slowly, she closed the distance between them, and Kara waited patiently, letting her come on her own volition, standing braced against the wall, curls of blonde hair ruffling in the breeze as she anticipated Lena’s movements. The first kiss was tentative, the gentle brush of their lips as Lena tilted her head to the side, pushing herself upwards against Kara.

 

            Pulling away from her, Kara gave her a searching look for a moment, her hands moving to Lena’s shoulder as she kept her rooted to the spot. Both of them seemed almost unaware of their surroundings, the damp drizzle forming raindrops on their skin as the whole street thumped with an assortment of music, people drunkenly weaving along the sidewalk as they laughed and shouted. After a moment, she nodded, seeing the urgency in Lena’s eyes, the parted lips and shallow breathing, and acknowledging that they were both sure, that they both knew what they were doing. Dropping her hands, Kara threaded her fingers through Lena’s and pulled her away from the wall, towards the curb of the sidewalk, and hailed down the next cab.

 

            The tension between them grew as they wound their way through the city, passing block after block, leaving behind the busy strip of clubs, bars and cheap kebab and pizza joints, and moving towards the neat, modest rows of towering apartment buildings. A restlessness seemed to infuse Lena, sitting on one side of the cab, the cracked leather seat sticking to her wet skin as warm air blasted from the heaters and an almost palpable electricity hummed between her and Kara. She had to sit on her hands to stop herself from unbuckling the seatbelt and closing the distance between them. The cab ride home was taking a lot longer than she had the patience for. The thought of sleeping with Kara had never crossed her mind before, but now that the idea had been put into her mind, she had the itching longing for her. It was almost a sense of curiosity, to see how it would feel to let someone she trusted take control, and as the cab pulled up outside their building, Kara leant forward to hand over some cash, before holding out a hand for Lena.

 

            She was pulled from the cab with Kara’s help, keeping a tight grip on her hand as they both stumbled slightly in their teetering heels. The foyer of their building was well lit, even at the late hour, and the security guard gave them a polite nod as Kara unlocked the door and ushered Lena inside. Despite their giddy drunkenness at the club, they were both quietly sober as they crossed over to the elevators, the shiny steel doors parting as soon as the button was pushed, and whisking them up to the penthouse with a slight jolt and smooth ascent.

 

            There was no rush, no scrambling to hasten the moment, and Kara smoothly unlocked the door on the second try, letting them in to the dark apartment. The welcoming feeling of home washed over Lena and she kicked off her heels with some relief, exhaustion edging in on her, although her body was taut with anticipation, her body keenly aware of Kara stepping in after her and quietly closing the door. Yellow light flooded the spacious apartment, highlighting the everyday items of their ordinary life, and Lena faltered for a moment as a flicker of doubt crossed her mind.  _ Could  _ everything be the same after crossing a line like this? There was no reason why it couldn’t, but it was a risk. She’d always been a risk taker, daring to venture into trouble, and she was worried for a moment that this would drag Kara into that trouble. 

 

            As she turned and met Kara’s intense gaze, all doubts fled her mind. Kara’s life was already entwined with Lena’s, whether they slept together or not. There wasn’t any added danger to her because of this. And as Kara smiled at her, letting her own heels clatter to the wooden floor, Lena felt her stomach muscles clench. Walking towards her, Kara brushed past, her fingertips grazing Lena’s waist, and she reached up to a cupboard, pulling out two wine glasses and reaching for a bottle of Chardonnay.

 

            “Drink?”

 

            Staring at her back, blonde hair swept up into a low, messy bun, the bumps of her spine visible as Kara unwrapped the top of the wine bottle, pulling open a drawer for a corkscrew, Lena slowly moved towards her. Reaching out, she rested a hand against Kara’s hip, feeling her pause beneath the weight of her hand, and she placed a soft kiss on her shoulder. Kissing her way across Kara’s shoulder, up to the side of her neck, Lena reached up to pluck the corkscrew from Kara’s hand, abandoning it on the counter.

 

            Turning beneath her touch, Kara looked down at her, a smile curling her lips as she reached up to tenderly brush Lena’s cheek. And then she kissed her, and it wasn’t the tentative kiss from outside the bar, it was hungry and desperate, and Lena let Kara force her backwards, past the island counters, across the open space in the middle of the apartment, and down the dark hallway leading towards her bedroom. 

 

            Her back hit the wooden door, one hand fumbling for the door handle, while the other cupped the back of Kara’s neck. A moment later she was stumbling backwards, all the way until her legs hit the bedframe and she fell back onto it, Kara a shadowy figure before her, her hands warm and gentle against Lena’s skin as she eased her down slowly. They paused for a moment, and Lena waited with bated breath, running a hand through her hair, stiff with hairspray and damp from the rain, as she watched Kara moved. Climbing on top, Kara straddled her, before reaching behind for her zipper, the silk dress slipping over her head with a faint rustle. Her skin was pale in the darkness, and Lena leant back on her elbows, her heart thudding loudly in her own ears as she waited.

 

            Kara seemed to be waiting for her too, so Lena pushed herself up, reaching out to grab her by the waist, holding her in her lap as she looked up at her, a brief flicker of hesitation running across her face. “No one has to know,” she quietly said, reaching up to run her thumb along Kara’s bottom lip, thinking about their kiss.

 

            “No one has to know,” Kara murmured in agreement against her thumb.

 

            “It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just fun, right?”

 

            “Just fun.”


	10. Chapter 10

            Groaning as she came to, a beam of sunlight falling across her face, Lena burrowed deeped under the covers, burying her face against the mattress as she willed sleep to creep back over her. Her head was throbbing and the room felt stiflingly hot, heavy blankets weighing her down. Kicking them off, Lena lay spread across the bed in her underwear, her forehead furrowed as sunlight painted the inside of her eyelids orange. Grumbling, she blearily opened her eyes, realising that the slant of the sunlight filtering in through the windows was coming from the wrong angle. 

 

            Blinking back sleep, she pushed herself up, running a hand through the stiff, frizzy curls and taking in the layout of Kara’s room. Lena’s dress was carefully hanging up on the back of the door, two medical books and a romance novel stacked on the nightstand, a messy pile of pillows on the floor. Scrambling upright, Lena felt her cheeks flush red as she pulled the blankets up to her chest and turned to look at the empty space beside her. Hazy thoughts slipped through the blackness of the night before. The smell of rain, warm hands, the taste of peach liqueur, Kara whispering that it was just for fun. A look of panic flitted across Lena’s face, and her stomach twisted uncomfortably. It took her a moment to figure out that it was nausea.

 

            Short of vomiting in Kara’s bed, Lena clumsily staggered to her feet, nearly tripping over herself in her haste. The bathroom was right next to Kara’s room, on the opposite side of the apartment from Lena and Laure’s rooms, and she was grateful for it as she stepped out into the hallway and burst straight into it. Falling hard on her knees, pain dully flaring up, she threw the toilet seat up and vomited straight into the bowl, her skin rippling with goosebumps as she tried to keep her hair out of the way. Her throat burned as she heaved, last night’s alcohol tracing a fiery path back up her throat as her skin turned clammy with a cold sweat.

 

            The patter of footsteps grew closer and closer, followed by the heavier sound of footsteps chasing after them, before a small figure paused in the open doorway. Lena was hunched over, her mouth dry, throat aching, and the sound of Kara’s whispered coaxing floating into the bathroom behind her. Turning around, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, all too aware of her state of undress, Lena glanced at her daughter over her shoulder, her eyes darting up to Kara for a moment, before a wan smile faintly curled her lips as Laurel stared at her with wide brown eyes.

 

            “Hi baby,” Lena murmured, resting her cheek on her arm as she squeezed her eyes shut.

 

            “Mommy,” Laurel exclaimed, her high pitched voice making Lena’s headache more pronounced, despite the lightness that filled Lena at her presence. Moving to step into the bathroom, Laurel was stopped by Kara’s hand darting out to gently catch her, pulling her back a few steps. 

 

            “Come on, Little Duck, let’s leave mommy alone for a little bit. How about we go and draw her a nice picture?” Kara said, holding out a hand, which Laurel willingly took, already tugging on it to get her moving, and with a grim look of understanding, Kara shut the bathroom door. She left Lena sitting on the cold floor, her skin feeling hot, despite the fact that she seemed to have lost everything except her underwear, and the bathroom was frigid from the cold radiation from the tiles.

 

            After a cool shower, during which she was sick twice, Lena felt marginally better. The smell of alcohol had been scrubbed from her skin, along with sweat and the sticky feeling of spilt drinks, and she felt more awake after splashing water on her face. Wrapping a towel around her wet hair, she vigorously brushed her teeth, the taste of mint overpowering the taste of smoke and mixed drinks, although her mouth was so dry that she desperately needed some water more than anything. Water, and some aspirin for her banging headache. And clothes, she really needed some clothes before anything else.

 

            A fluffy white bathrobe was on the back of the door - it was Kara’s, she thought, or Kara had stolen it off her and Lena had let her - and she hurriedly slipped it on, tying it tightly around her waist, before emerging from the bathroom. Feet dragging, she followed the sounds of quiet conversation down the hallway, and poked her head out, her expression softening, despite the roiling nausea fighting to rise up.

 

            Kara was sitting at the table with Laurel, sheets of paper spread out and coloured pencils being carefully sharpened by the blonde. Her daughter was kneeling, her dark hair curling around her shoulders as she carefully drew on the page. Holding out the pencils, Kara smiled down at her.

 

            “Shall we have a race and see who can colour the fastest?”

 

            “Yeah.”

 

            “Okay, what colour do you want.”

 

            “Blue!”  

 

            “Blue? You’re going to steal  _ my _ favourite colour?” Kara gasped, pulling the pencils out of the little girl’s reach as they both laughed, Lena’s face splitting into a smile as she watched.

 

            Shaking her head, dark curls fanning out, Laurel laughed. “My favourite, silly.”

 

            “Well we can’t  _ both _ have the same,” Kara sighed, rolling her eyes. “How about you have blue this time, and I’ll have …”

 

            “Green!”

 

            “Green?”

 

            “Like mommy’s eyes.”

 

            Smiling as she fished the blue and green pencils out of the bunch held in her hands, Kara smiled, setting the rest aside and handing over the blue one to Laurel. “That’s right. Mommy does have green eyes.”

 

            Holding the pencil clenched in her fist, Laurel beamed up at Kara, who hunched over slightly in her chair, legs folded beneath her and a childish look of excitement on her face. She was wearing her glasses, which let Lena know that she wasn’t quite as okay as she appeared, her face slightly etched with weariness, and a bottle of blue Gatorade on the table.

 

            “Okay, on three. One … two … three!”

 

            She watched as her daughter stilled with anticipation, and then scrambled for the paper on three, scribbling as quickly as she could with her clumsy pencil holding. Kara furiously scribbled at her own, quietly calling encouraging things to Laurel, keeping up a running commentary, as they drew. After a few moments, Lena stepped out from the hallway and caught Kara’s attention, the blonde’s colouring slowing as she smiled over at her, before turning back to Laurel.

 

            “Looks like you beat me this time, Little Duck.”

 

            “I win!”

 

            Laughing, Kara ran a hand over her dark hair, an amused look on her face as she pushed her chair back and climbed to her feet. “Good job, Ducky.”

 

            “For you,” the little girl replied, the blue pencil clattering to the table as she held out the page. 

 

            It was made up of just the blue scribbles, yet Kara made a big show as she took it, holding it up to look at it properly, crouching beside Laurel’s chair and giving her a hug, before she went over to the fridge and pinned it up. Lena slowly walked over to her daughter, bending over to press a kiss on her hair, until Laurel turned her head, a smile splitting her face as she looked up at Lena with delight.

 

            “Mommy!”

 

            “Hi Little Duck,” Lena murmured, rounding the chair and kneeling beside it, fighting back a wave of exhaustion and nausea as she wrapped the small figure in a tight hug, peppering a cheek with kisses while her daughter laughed. “Did you have fun at Sam’s?”

 

            “Yeah!”

 

_             “And _ she was such a good girl that we’re going to the park to see the ducks later,” Kara called out from the kitchen, leaning against the counters with a soft smile on her face.

 

            Eagerly nodding in agreement, Laurel climbed to her feet on the chair and held her arms up to Lena. Picking her up, Lena buried her face in her daughter’s hair as arms wound around her neck, holding her tight as she swayed slightly, her heart swelling with love for her. She couldn’t bring herself to meet Kara’s gaze from across the room, so she busied herself with her daughter for a while, playing with her dolls and action figures in the living room for a few minutes, before she started to feel sick again.

 

            Heading back out into the kitchen in search of water, aspirin and something to settle her stomach, she felt her cheeks flood with warmth as she took in the sight of Kara standing at the sink, hand washing the dishes from breakfast. She gave her a hesitant smile as their eyes met, a flicker of understanding in Kara’s eyes that they both knew what had happened, but she wouldn’t bring it up if Lena didn’t want to. She had to though, or else it would eat away at her, until she knew that everything was fine.

 

            “Thanks for looking after her,” Lena hoarsely said, running a hand over her ashen face, “what time did Sam bring her back?”

 

            “At ten.”

 

            “Is she feeling any better?”

 

            “Yeah, it’s passed now. She looks better than  _ you _ at any rate; you look like you’re about to keel over. Go on, go and sit down. I’ll get you something to sort you out.”

 

            Shifting uncomfortably for a few moments, Lena headed towards the kitchen dining table, taking a seat and watching as Kara rummaged through the cupboards and fridge. She could still hear Laurel murmuring to herself as she played, reassured by the knowledge that there was nothing in there she could hurt herself with, and she let her head fall into her hands as her head pounded, a dull pressure behind her eyes.

 

            “Are you okay?” Kara asked from the kitchen.

 

            Blinking slowly, Lena reared her head, giving her a hesitant smile as she feebly nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

 

            “Because you seem a little off, and not just in a hangover kind of way. Like there's something bothering you, maybe ...”

 

            Letting out a choked laugh of surprise, Lena raised her eyebrows slightly. “Okay, yes. I just- I think we should talk about last night.”

 

            “Okay.”

 

            “Right. Yeah, so, um, it changes nothing, right? I mean, it was-”

 

            “Fun?” Kara finished, giving her an amused smile, before she wrinkled her nose slightly, moving towards Lena with a bowl in her hands and a glass of water. Setting the bowl down in front of her, the water and two little pills beside it, Kara gave her a lopsided smile. “Look, we were both drunk. Of course it’s not going to change anything. You were having a rough day, and, well, I think I surprised myself too. I mean, I had a good time, but it was just a one off thing.”

 

            Intense relief washed over Lena, and she nodded, reaching out for the pills and popping them in her dry mouth. Washing them down with water, the taste of bile swept away with them, Lena felt instantly better, more so due to the reassurance that she hadn’t ruined things last night and made it incredibly awkward to live with Kara. For her part, Kara seemed unbothered by the whole thing anyway, reaching out to give Lena’s shoulders a quick squeeze as she laughed.

 

            “Now, please relax before you undo all of my hard work.”

 

            Letting out a snort of laughter, Lena shook her head, picking up the spoon and scooping up some Cheerios. Kara fetched her more water and some Gatorade, before she disappeared to get dressed out of her pyjamas. Half an hour later, Lena’s headache was a faint throbbing, and despite the loose limbed feeling of exhaustion, she was feeling markedly better overall. She even insisted on trying to go to the park with Kara and Laurel, but was dissuaded on accounts of Kara’s belief that she wouldn’t make it out of the front door. She’d already called Alex anyway, having decided that going to the park with an excitable toddler might make her feel better about her very recent break up with Maggie. For all of Alex’s initial doubts about Lena, she’d always adored Laurel.

 

            Caving in relatively easily, Lena retired to the living room, stretching out on the sofa and letting Laurel clamber up on top of her. She kept up a running stream of conversation, letting her daughter show her all of the different coloured  _ My Little Pony _ toys she had, sitting in her lap while they played with the little plastic horses. The door rang an hour later, while Lena drifted in and out of consciousness, the TV a quiet hum in the background, while the warm weight of her daughter pressed down on her as they napped together. 

 

            Laurel was alert in an instant at the sound of Alex’s voice, and Lena blinked back the fogginess of sleep as she struggled to sit upright, still wearing the fluffy bathrobe and fighting off her hangover. The brunette appeared in the doorway as she peered over the back of the sofa, an almost smug smile on her face as she leant down to pick up the toddler racing towards her, swinging the little girl up into her arms and raising her eyebrows at Lena.

 

            “You had a lot of fun last night, or so I heard,” Alex said.

 

            Feeling her stomach lurch, Lena stiffened as she sat up straight, her expression darkening slightly as her pale cheeks warmed. “What?” she bluntly asked.

 

            “Kara said you were sick outside the bar,” Alex gleefully replied, “so she had to bring you home early.”

 

            Weakly laughing, Lena ran a hand through her tangled hair, her damp towel long since abandoned in the kitchen, trying not to look sheepish as she smiled. “Oh, right. Yeah, I, uh, I guess I had too much to drink.”

 

            After a few more jibes, Kara intervened, giving Lena an apologetic smile, before she sent Laurel to give her a kiss and whisker her and her sister away, leaving Kara with a quiet order to get some rest. The silence of the apartment was soothing as she dragged herself back to bed - her own this time - her body feeling leaden and disjointed as she tumbled onto the soft mattress, pulling a thin blanket over herself as her body ran a temperature. 

 

            By the time the sound of the apartment door opened, it was the middle of the afternoon. Lena had spent most of the day sleeping off her hangover, and her moments of wakefulness were spent tidying up around the place. She put Kara’s uniform in the wash, tidied up the toys strewn across the floor, wiped down the sticky tabletop and cleaned up after herself in the bathroom. She made herself a lunch of saltine crackers and ginger snap biscuits, drank two cups of green tea, and returned to her place on the sofa. 

 

            That was where Kara found her, her daughter racing ahead, wearing a pair of rainbow rainboots and a pink raincoat, leaving a trail of wet footprints across the wooden floor. Pushing herself up, Lena muted the news that she was watching and picked her daughter up, settling her on her lap and giving her a kiss, while she tugged off the boots. The sound of a paper bag crinkling reached her ears, and she looked over her shoulder as Kara walked into the living room, cheeks bitten red by the cold and a bright smile on her face.

 

            “Did you have fun at the park? Did you see the ducks?” Lena asked Laurel, hugging her tightly as she rested her cheek against her daughter’s hair, feeling her burrow into her warmth.

 

            “Yeah.”

 

            “And what did the ducks say?”

 

            “Quack quack.”

 

            She shook with quiet laughter, giving her daughter a gentle squeeze, smiling at Kara as she rounded the sofa, kicking off her boots and sitting down on the rug. Setting the paper bag down on the coffee table, she started pulling out white cartons, the smell of Chinese food mingling as the pile grew steadily bigger. Lena’s stomach rumbled with hunger, and she perked up slightly.

 

            “Tell mommy about your baddie,” Kara said, and Laurel held her hands up, showing the scraped palms and the  _ Winnie The Pooh  _ band-aids half-covering them.

 

            Cradling the tiny hands in her own, Lena tutted, giving her daughter a pout as she raised her eyebrows slightly, “aw, baby, what happened?”

 

“Someone got a little too excited when she saw the ducks,” Kara informed her, opening up a box as a cloud of steam rose from the sweet and sour pork. “She was a brave girl though, weren’t you, Ducky? She stopped crying the moment I kissed them better.”

 

            Kara moved closer to them, taking one of the little girl’s hands in her own and giving the palm a gentle kiss, before tickling her. Laughing, Laurel squirmed in Lena’s lap, before she held her hands up to Lena. “Mommy kiss better.”

 

            Obligingly kissing the shallow scrapes on her daughter’s palms, Lena smoothed down her messy curls and kissed the top of her head. Then the three of them ate dinner, the TV unmuted and an old rerun of  _ Gilmore Girls  _ playing as they dug into the Chinese food, sitting on the sofa with Laurel in the middle, as usual. Kara’s shift started a little before midnight, and she ended up falling asleep on the sofa, Laurel cradled in her arms, and Lena draped a blanket over the two of them, quietly reading a book on the psychoanalytic theory as the sky turned the colour of a bruise outside, streetlights winking on block by block as the last rays of sunlight slipped behind the towering city buildings. 

 

            She woke Kara up an hour before she had to leave, having ironed her uniform and hung it on the back of the bathroom door, and had a cup of coffee waiting for her as she quickly packed breakfast for her to eat in the morning. As Kara rushed out of the door in her usual hurry, Lena was tiredly smiling to herself, the feeling of normalcy creeping up on her as she stared at the closed wooden door. It was almost as if nothing had happened, she thought to herself as she locked the deadbolt, the door and pulled the chain across, before switching off the lights and walking down the hallway. The apartment was almost too quiet, so she slipped into Laurel’s bedroom and crawled into bed beside her daughter, squeezing onto the children’s bed and cuddling up beside her, the yellow warmth of the nightlight a comforting presence. 

 

            The following day, it was almost as if nothing had happened. Neither her or Kara mentioned their night together again, both of them carrying on much like they had before. Lena spent her days going to class, writing essays at Winn’s or walking the city with Laurel, taking her daughter to parks and playgrounds, museums and art galleries, just to get out of the apartment for a few hours. Kara was still working around the clock, pulling long hours at odd times, sometimes too exhausted to do much else but collapse into bed when she came home. Her cooking having improved over time, Lena had dinner waiting for her, or sometimes breakfast, depending on the shift, and made sure the apartment was always tidy. Their usual routine ensued with no disruption at all.

 

            Yet there were moments. Sometimes, when Kara walked out in her underwear, looking for her uniform, or Lena was in the bathroom and Kara needed to come in because she was running late, there were moments of acknowledgement of what happened. They didn’t say anything, but there was a shared sheepish look of awareness of what the other one was thinking. It didn’t change anything, but it was there, at the back of their minds. 

 

            A few weeks passed by without fuss. They went out with their friends, they went to the local pool and Kara tried to teach Laurel how to swim, while Lena sat on the side and took photos, they went for picnics, the two of them went bowling and got pizza one night, while Alex came over to babysit. Nothing changed, and nothing came of their drunken activities - not so much as a lingering touch or glance - but Lena should’ve known better than to think that everything would be fine. She’d been so caught up on fretting about things with Kara, that she’d nearly forgotten about her brother.

 

            It was mid-April when a knock on the door pulled her out of her frustrating attempts to get a disgruntled Laurel to sit still and eat her breakfast. Kara was trying to get ready for her shift, a piece of toast wedged into her mouth while she tried to help Lena, and she went to answer the door, hastily belting up her pants. Trying not to lose her patience as she tried to get Laurel to eat her toast, Lena straightened up at the sound of her name being called.

 

            “Lena Luthor?” 

 

            Wiping her hands on a dish towel, she left her daughter to mash the pieces of toast into soggy lumps and drifted towards the door, the unfamiliar young guy patiently waiting, a manila envelope in his hands and a messenger bag strap slung across his chest. As she approached him, he reached out with the envelope, which she warily took, judging it to be too thin for something hostile to hide inside. Her stomach lurched at the next words out of his mouth, realising she’d been wrong.

 

            “You’ve been served.”

 

            He turned and left after that, leaving Kara spluttering as she poked her head out into the hallway, watching him leave. Opening the envelope, Lena let the papers inside slide out, her eyes quickling scanning the words, before her stomach dropped and she let out a sharp, humorless laugh.

 

            “What?” Kara anxiously asked, shutting the door as she gave Lena a concerned look.

 

            With a bitter twist of her lips, Lena gave her a tight smile. “That _bitch_ . She’s trying to sue me for custody on the grounds that I’m an unfit parent.”

 

_             “What? _  Your mom? She can’t do that - can she?”

 

            Running a hand through her hair, Lena grit her teeth, turning to look at her daughter, happily mashing her toast together as she sat at the table. Her eyes prickled with tears - angry ones - and Lena drew in a shaky breath, trying to calm herself down as an overwhelming feeling of rage welled up inside. Turning to Kara, she gave her a hard look, her green eyes flat with anger, seeing it mirror in Kara’s own eyes - somewhat more subdued, but no less determined.

 

            “I won’t  _ let _  her.”

 

            With a curt nod, Kara reached out and gave her arm a quick squeeze. “Well then we’ll just have to win. I’ll call Alex.”


	11. Chapter 11

            A knock on the door tore Lena away from the stacks of papers and the dozens of sites open on her laptop. She had dark circles under her eyes, her hair needed to be washed, the apartment wasn’t messy, but it definitely needed tidying up, and she wasn’t in the mood for any visitors that didn’t already have a key. Still, she shoved the papers aside, slammed her laptop screen down and ran a hand through her dishevelled hair. Wearing the same pyjamas she’d worn for the past two days, she padded barefoot over to the door, peering through the peephole. Burning anger swept through her at the sight of the elegant, polished woman waiting in the hallway. Lena couldn’t tear the door open fast enough, her fingers fumbling on the chain and the locks.

 

            “How  _ dare _ you come here,” she hissed, seething with rage as she stepped out into the hallway to confront her mother.

 

            “May I come in?”

 

            Spluttering, Lena threw a hand out to bar Lillian’s way, the older woman looking down on her with a mild reproving look on her face. “No! No, you may  _ not.” _

 

            “Please, Lena. I’d like to talk.”

 

            “There’s nothing you can say to me.”

 

            Disregarding her words, Lillian pushed past her arm, walking into the messy apartment as Lena scrambled after her, her protests dying on her tongue as her mother intruded. Casting a contemptuous look around the room, taking in Kara’s bulky paramedic coat draped over the back of a bar stool pushed in against the island counters, the toy truck abandoned in the middle of the hardwood floors, the huge pile of case files and papers on the kitchen table where Lena had been working on them. She turned and gave Lena an almost mocking look.

 

            “Well … this is cozy.”

 

            “What do you want?”

 

            “To talk about the case.”

 

            Lena let out a cold laugh, gritting her teeth as she let her gaze wander. She’d spent the past two weeks stressing about the case. Alex had come over as soon as Kara called her after Lena had been served with the papers, briskly explaining things to Lena, her attitude all business and her demeanour calm. The rest of the time was spent with Lena spending her every waking minute researching old custody battles, reading up on laws and terminology as she tried to make sense of things. Mostly, they revolved around divorced parents, but she found a few where grandparents had fought for custody. Nothing she read had made her feel better. All it did was make her angrier, more stressed, hating her family just that little bit more.

 

            “The  _ case? _ You came here to talk about you want to steal  _ my _ daughter from me? And for what? Because Lex asked you to?”

 

            “Yes.”

 

            “Why? You don’t  _ want _ her. You didn’t even want me when you were young enough to raise your own kids. Why would you agree to do this for him?”

 

            Lillian tutted, rolling her eyes, “because he asked me to. That’s what family  _ does _ , Lena. We do favours for each other, we protect each other, we do things we don’t want to for them. I get it, you don’t want to come home, but for your daughter’s sake, do it. Now, I don’t want to take her from you-”

 

            “Then don’t.”

 

            “But if you don’t give him what he wants, I’ll do it. Family belongs together. Our family has always been loyal to each other. Come home, take your place at you brother’s side. You’ll have the whole city in the palm of your hand again. There’s nothing your daughter will ever want for.”

 

            “Laurel. Her name is Laurel,” Lena tightly replied, her cheeks warm as a red flush crept down her neck and turned her ears pink. “And I won’t let her anywhere near him. You promised me no more games. You  _ promised _ . What about your loyalty to me, huh? He asked you to do this for him? Well I’m asking you not to. I’m asking you to please put me first. For once in your life, put me first.”

 

            Fixing her daughter with a cool look, Lillian folded her arms over her chest, drawing herself up to her full height. It was a formidable look, one that she’d seen her mother use on more than one poor victim, but one that had lost its effect on Lena. Perhaps it was because she wasn’t scared of her mom anymore, the fact that she’d grown up over the past few years, and had stopped holding onto the anger that she’d held inside - although it was definitely burning hot right now - but Lena had more important things to be afraid of. She was scared that she’d lose her daughter, that she’d be hurt, or taken by her mother. She was scared that something would happen to Kara, who was too stubborn to know when to leave and save herself. She was scared that Kara  _ would _ leave, and Lena would end up all alone. 

 

            She wasn’t scared of her mother though. No, instead, she was angry at her. Her mother had never been the kind of person that would cave into bribery or blackmail, and Lena knew that there was effectively nothing she could do. That feeling of helpless rage made her hands were curled into fists, and she had to fight back the urge to slap her. She’d only ever lashed out at her mom once, when she was fifteen, angry and reckless. The famed Luthor temper had gotten the better of her, and she’d gotten stirred up after being hauled home, unsteady on her feet in a tight dress. She’d roughly shoved her mom away when Lillian had grabbed her arm in a vice like grip, sending the older woman stumbling. The next morning she woke up with a split lip and a purple bruise on her high cheekbone, the price for being disrespectful, her brother had said, before one of his men had roughed her up a little. She’d learnt her lesson that time, and curiously wondered what her brother would do this time if she intentionally hit her.

 

            She didn’t, keeping her temper reined in, taking shallow breaths to steady herself as she stood across from her, separated by a few feet. Lillian’s eyes held a glimmer of pity, for a few moments, before she steeled herself, her lips pressed together in a thin line. Something that almost looked like regret crossed her features, hardening them slightly, before she let out a soft sigh.

 

            “Get some rest, you look awful. I’ll see you in court.”

 

            A quiet, pathetic sound bubbled up, falling from Lena’s lips as her mom refuted her attempts to try and turn her to her cause. Lena knew it in her heart that she wouldn’t win this case. She  _ couldn’t _ . Her brother had the means to pay off the judge appointed to their case, as well as any witnesses or specialists brought in to prop Lillian up. He’d do it just to spite Lena. To show her that he was in control, that he always had been, and that he would take everything that mattered to her away. She’d lose, and she’d have to swallow her pride and her biggest fears and follow her daughter home. There was no way she would ever let them take Laurel off her and keep her away. Lex was smart enough to know that. And once he had her daughter, he could blackmail her to do anything. Lena would do it too. Anything to keep Laurel safe.

 

            Trailing her mother to the door, she slammed it behind Lillian as soon as she stepped out of the apartment. Slamming her hands against the sturdy wood, a dull thud resounded, and Lena grit her teeth together, resisting the urge to kick the door without shoes on. The pain would only make her feel worse, but she was so angry that she was barely holding onto rational thought. Standing braced against the door, she blinked back the tears that pricked her eyes and then stepped away, turning to face the apartment. Walking back over to the kitchen table, she collapsed down onto a chair, running a hand over her weary face. 

 

            Kara came home an hour later, laughing as she led Laurel inside, both of them dressed for the warm weather, matching smiles on their faces, and a handful of daisies clutched in a small fist, pieces of dirt still clinging to the roots of the little white flowers. “Mommy!”

 

            “Hey, Little Duck,” Lena wearily mumbled, pushing her chair back, the legs scraping on the wooden floor, as she leant down, arms open. Her daughter ran straight into them, burying her face against Lena’s chest. Letting her scramble up into her lap, Lena wrapped an arm around her, smiling as she balanced her on one knee. 

 

            “Flowers, mommy!”

 

            “Oh, they’re so pretty,” Lena gasped, gently accepting the flowers as her daughter proudly held them up. “For me?”

 

            “Yep.”

 

            Quietly laughing, Lena pressed a kiss to her forehead, closing her laptop and shoving the papers aside. Her eyes darted over to Kara, who was setting Laurel’s bag down on the counter, the stroller abandoned near the door, before she looked over at Lena. She could see the concern in her blue eyes from across the room. If all of Lena’s time had been spent on finding a way to win the case, although she knew it was in vain, Kara’s was spent keeping everything together, trying to stop her from falling apart and the carefully crafted life they’d built together from crumbling.

 

            They were all down to the last few clean things in their closet, Kara brought takeout home every night, and Winn supplied them with pancakes, waffles or bagels for breakfast every morning. Lena had taken to skipping lunch, with Kara usually pulling a long shift, and it showed in the thinness of her face, hollowed out from stress, her eyes sunken and tired. Her shoulders were permanently slumped, and the only time she mustered a smile was when she took the time to play with her daughter. Kara tiptoed around her, for the most part, offering her small encouragements, sunny smiles and trying to keep everything in order. So far, it wasn’t working.

 

            “Lucy’s flying in. James called her. She’s going to help Alex with your case.”

 

            “Oh, okay. I’ll have to thank her.”

 

            “Chinese for dinner?”

 

            “Mm, sure.”

 

            Kara started to clear away some things, quietly stacking dirty plates dishes in the dishwasher, picking up kids toys while a pot of fresh coffee brewed in the kitchen. Lena was absentmindedly thinking about the most recent case file she’d been reading, holding her daughter in her lap as she slumped in her seat, when Kara brought over a mug of coffee, gently nudging her out of her stupor and giving her a small smile. 

 

            “Here, let me look after her. You should go and shower. Take a few minutes for yourself.”

 

            “No, I can’t. I have to-”

 

            “Lena, if you stare at that screen anymore, you’re going to be needing to borrow my glasses,” Kara gently told her, her warm hand briefly resting on her shoulder as she gave her an amused look. “Go on. I’ll get this all sorted out, and then I’ll help you. I’m not in until nine.”

 

            Nodding, she kissed her daughter’s cheek and set her on the floor, watching as she ran to hug Kara’s legs. Petting her on the head, Kara gave Lena a pointed smile, reaching out to take the bunch of daisies off her. Taking her mug of coffee with her, Lena quickly showered and changed into clean clothes, the soft, worn jeans and a thin t-shirt making her feel instantly better, as well as the fresh cherry blossom smell of her shampoo lingering in her wet hair. Feeling revitalised from the caffeine, she rejoined Kara in the kitchen, a grilled cheese being slid out of the pan and pushed towards her, while Kara bit into her own. 

 

            They sat down at the table where Laurel was colouring in the book of animal drawings, and soon enough, the three of them were colouring their own. Lena was colouring a lion’s mane in orange, while Kara was colouring a penguin in pink, disregarding realism in favour of something more fun. For an hour, she did nothing but eat, colour and laugh, their small family of three sitting at the kitchen table, doing nothing but enjoying the mindless fun. It reinforced Lena’s stubborn determination to win the case even more than she was already determined to do so.

 

            Weeks went by and she slowly adjusted to the fact that she might lose her daughter. Instead of giving in, she just fought harder, but she had to give herself a break too. Slowly, she got her life back on track. Alex and Lucy started preparing for the case, Kara kept busy with her usual shifts, helping Lena with Laurel as much as she could, and Lena returned to her normal life of housework, motherhood and studying. In between, she told her two new lawyers everything about her mother and her family that could help her. It seemed like an easy thing, to discredit a member of a crime family, but when they could afford to buy off anyone who would side with Lena, even the cold facts that her family were criminals wouldn’t be enough.

 

            It was six weeks later before they had the first hearing. Sam babysat for her while she put on a respectable dress and low heels, letting Alex drive her to the courthouse, where they both met in a small room with the judge, her mother and her family’s lawyer. It was a brief meeting, and she didn’t have much involvement in the proceedings, her and Lillian sitting on the sidelines while Alex and the middle-aged man fighting on their behalves. It was going to be a messy case, that much was obvious. Neither of them would give up without a fight, and there would be no settling. Lena had always had a stubborn streak, but her mother rivalled her.

 

            It was another six weeks before it actually went to trial, after Lena had been given a court order to undergo psychological evaluation. Her mother’s lawyer had accused her of being mentally unstable and an alcoholic. She passed, but it was a tiresome process. The case proceeded to trial, and she spent weeks being prepped by Alex and Lucy, for when she inevitably took the stand.

 

            The sweltering heat of late July following at their heels as they stepped into the cool marble courthouse. Kara came, and so did Sam and Winn, while James spent his day off looking after Laurel with Lucy. He was taking her to the pool for her swimming lessons, keeping her out of the way. A law guardian had been assigned to the case on Laurel’s behalf, a neutral party - although Lena wasn’t so sure that the woman hadn’t been bought off - and she was there too. There was no jury in family court, and Lena stared down her mother as she stiffly sat in her chair at her table.

 

            The scraping sound of chair being pushed back signalled everyone rising to their feet, the shifting sound of rustling clothes behind her as the other occupants of the room rose, and her eyes followed the old fat judge walking into the room. She wondered if he’d been bought already. She wondered how much had been offered. A million would be pocket change to her brother, and she could imagine him paying more than that if it meant getting the upper hand on her, showing her that he was in control. He showed up, after a few minutes, and although she didn’t hear him enter, she could feel his burning gaze on the back of her head. Turning, she met his sly smile and flat green eyes with a stony look.

 

            As court was announced in session, she tuned everything out, the sound fading to a distant hum as she stared blankly ahead. The room was quiet, except for the exchanged conversation between the judge, Alex and her mother’s attorney. It wasn’t until she was aware of her mother being called up to the stand that she tuned back in, watching as Lillian primly crossed the open space and sat on the chair, looking calm and composed as she lounged in the chair. His questions were brief, painting Lillian as a caring grandmother with the means to spoil her granddaughter, financially stable, an experienced parent herself, and then it was Alex’s turn. The oldest Danvers looked like she relished it as she climbed to her feet, rounding her table with a slight smile on her face, arms crossed over her chest and eyes narrowed.

 

            “Mrs Luthor, is it true that you kicked your own daughter out? On the day that your granddaughter was born?”

 

            “That’s correct.”

 

            “Why?”

 

            Pausing for a moment, Lillian pressed her lips together in a thin line. “Growing up, Lena was always a … disobedient child. Drinking, partying, smoking, a bad temper. When she came home with a baby, it was too much.”

 

            Tilting her head to the side, a faint smile graced Alex’s lips. “So you would say that your daughter was out of control? That her antics were too much for you?”

 

            “I wouldn’t say-”

 

            “Or were these things you  _ allowed _ your daughter to do? Perhaps one could even say that  _ you _ were a negligent parent.”

 

            Lillian was silent as she fixed Alex with a stony stare. Unbothered, Alex continued down her mental list of questions, slowly wandering around the open floor space before the stand as she oozed confidence. Lena was glad that it was her friend representing her, someone who knew the kind of person she was, and the kind of person her mother was. It made it all the more easier for Alex to know the small facts of their encounters since she’d been kicked out of home.

 

            “Mrs Luthor, how many times have you seen your granddaughter since the day she was born?”

 

            “Three.”

 

            “Let me rephrase that,” Alex coolly replied, “how many times have you  _ held _ your granddaughter? Given her a bottle. Changed a diaper. Read her a bedtime story?”

 

            Lillian was quiet for a moment, a haughty look on her face as she replied, “none.”

 

            “So you don’t know her?”

 

            “That’s hardly what’s important. I can care-”

 

            “I’ll take that as a no,” Alex bluntly interrupted, “you couldn’t tell me what her favourite colour is? No? What kind of stuffed animal she sleeps with. Her favourite bedtime story to be read. Miss Luthor knows all of those things. She’s been an  _ excellent _ mother to her for nearly three years now. Tell me, when  _ is _ your granddaughter’s birthday exactly?”

 

            Making a vague gesture, Lillian shrugged, “in a week or so.”

 

            “So you don’t know? You want to claim custody of a child you don’t  _ know _ . A child you’ve had no contact with, a child you threw out onto the  _ streets _ with her teenage mother. Tell me, Mrs Luthor, what makes you better suited to raising your granddaughter? Wouldn’t you say a child’s place is with their parent? In fact, haven’t you and your son been threatening and bribing Miss Luthor for years now to return home to be with her family? Is it true that you’re suing your own daughter on behalf of your son? Because he asked you to?”

 

            “Objection! Your Honours, she’s badgering the witness,” Lillian’s lawyer complained, climbing to his feet and pointing at Alex.

 

            “Sustained. Miss Danvers, if you have a question, ask it.”

 

            Giving him a polite smile, Alex nodded, “I have, You Honour. If the witness could please answer …”

 

            Clearing her throat, Lillian gave her a contemptuous look, “I’m suing my daughter for custody for  _ myself.” _

 

            “But your son did ask you, isn’t that correct?”

 

            “Yes,” Lillian managed to get out.

 

            “And you live with your son?” At Lillian’s nod, she continued. “And is it not true that the Luthor family is a known crime organisation? 

 

            Lillian’s lawyer jumped to his feet again. “Heresay, Your Honour!”

 

            Continuing her tirade, after mollifying the judge, who struck her comment from the record, Alex paused in front of the stand. “I’d hardly say it’s a fitting place for a child to be raised. In fact, you yourself were concerned about your own daughter’s mental wellbeing, demanding a psychological evaluation, which begs the question of what type of childhood did you give your daughter? One where she was raised around murder and crime? A horrible place that my client is  _ terrified _ to go back to? A place she desperately wants to keep her daughter away from.”

 

            “Do you have a question?” Lillian bluntly asked.

 

            “No,” she murmured, before looking towards the judge. “No further questions, Your Honour.”

 

            They took a quick recess after that, and Lena was quiet and tense as she drank the water that Kara pressed into her hand, knowing that she was up next. The marble hallway was cool, but she was covered in a cold sweat at the thought of being put on the stand, of what her mother’s lawyer would ask, the things he would say to try and provoke her. She didn’t say much of anything as Alex quietly tried to bolster her courage. Before entering the courtroom again, she went to the bathroom, staring at her wan reflection in the mirror as she washed her hands at the sink, taking deep breaths to calm herself down.

 

            Ten minutes later, she was taking the stand, sitting on the chair as she stared out at the dozen or so people clustered into the courtroom. Her heart pounded in her chest and she ran her clammy hands over the skirt of her dress, her mouth dry as she faced down her mother. Lena wasn’t typically a person to easily scare, but the thought of losing her daughter filled her with terror. The dumpy man walked towards her, a hand over the front of his suit jacket as he gave her a sly smile. Launching into his interrogation, Lena stiffly sat in her seat, answering his questions with as little information as she could, her tone terse.

 

            “Miss Luthor, can you tell me who the father of your daughter is?”

 

            “He’s not in the picture,” Lena curtly replied.

 

            “But who is he?”

 

            Grinding her teeth together, she clenched her hands into fists. “I don’t know.”

 

            “And why is that?”

 

            “Because _I don’t know.”_

 

            “Is it possibly because you were intoxicated at the time? Or that there were a string of men?”

 

            Eyes narrowing slightly, she gave him a tight smile, “possibly.”

 

            “Is that a yes?”

 

            “No.”

 

            “Well then how is it you don’t know who the father of your own daughter is?”

 

            “I simply don’t remember. I wasn’t in a relationship with someone at the time.”

 

            “So he was a stranger?” he asked, smiling when Lena nodded. “A one night stand? A reckless decision made by a child. And that decision left you with your own child. A child that we’re supposed to believe is best cared for by you?”

 

            Fighting back her anger, knowing that he wanted her to lose her temper, she shifted in her seat, swallowing the lump in her throat as she fixed him with a hard stare. “She is. I love my daughter. Everything I do is for her.”

 

            “And how  _ do _ you provide for your daughter? I mean, have you ever had a job, Miss Luthor?”

 

            “No, but I have real estate investments and shares.”

 

            “But no job. And up until giving birth, you were a known party girl around National City. Correct?”

 

            Letting out a small huff, Lena glowered at him, “yes, but-”

 

            “So you knowingly endangered your unborn daughter’s life, consuming alcohol, smoking, possibly even drugs?”

 

            “No,” Lena objected, feeling disgruntled. “I didn’t  _ know _ I was going to have a baby.”

 

            “But you  _ did _ drink while you were pregnant?” He took her silence as agreement, and continued. “And after your daughter was born, when your mother turned you out of your home, where did you go?”

 

            A puzzled look crossing her face, Lena looked at him with a wary air about her. “To a diner.”

 

            “Not to a hospital? You never took your daughter to a hospital? You didn’t take yourself to be checked out?”

 

            “I took Laurel the next morning,” Lena replied, “and a paramedic looked over her that night. I went for a check up a few days later.”

 

            “But you did  _ not _ take her to a hospital after she was born?”

 

            Gritting her teeth, Lena gave him a hard look, hating him for every question, every insinuation behind his words. “No, but-”

 

            Turning to the rest of the courtroom, he spread his arms, matter of factly. “Yet we’re supposed to believe that your daughter is safest with you?”

 

            “Her favourite colour is blue,” Lena blurted out. “My attorney asked my mother that. She couldn’t answer it. She sleeps with a stuffed duck toy. Her favourite bedtime story at the moment is Goodnight Moon. Last month, she wore a Moana costume every day for a week. She’s three in twelve days. She wants a bike and a dinosaur themed party.”

 

            She could feel everyone staring at her, her eyes burning with the beginnings of tears as she hunched over in her seat, avoiding looking at anyone directly. No one spoke, or interrupted her, which was surprising. 

 

            “I love my daughter. I  _ know _ my daughter. I might not have been a good person before becoming a mother, but I’m not the same person I was then. A lot has changed in three years. I  _ love _ her.”

 

            Fixing her with a mild look of amusement, he let out a quiet laugh. “Thank you for that illuminating speech, Miss Luthor. No further questions, You Honour.”

 

            Alex’s questions were a lot gentler, her eyes offering silent encouragements as she asked numerous questions, covering different aspects of Lena’s childhood and her own experiences raising her daughter. It was a long process, and when she was finally allowed to leave the stand, she was struck by a bone deep weariness. Feeling drained, she took to her seat and slumped in it, while Alex remained standing. She called her next witness; Kara. Looking nervous and jittery, Kara rose from where she sat in one of the wooden pews and walked all the way to the front, taking a seat and giving her sister a warm smile.

 

            “Miss Danvers, can you please state your relation to the defendant for the court.”

 

            “We, uh, we’re roommates. Best friends.”

 

            “And how did you come to be so?”

 

            Shifting slightly, Kara nervously cleared her throat. “We met in a diner, the day that Laurel was born. Her mom kicked her out of home, and she didn’t have anywhere to go, so I brought her home to my apartment, and she ended up staying. We became friends.”

 

            “And that’s nearly three years ago now?” Alex asked.

 

            “Yes.”

 

            “And over that time, you’ve been continuously living with Miss Luthor and her daughter?”

 

            “Yes.”

 

            “One could even say you’ve been something of a co-parent.”

 

            Shrugging slightly, Kara gave her a small smile, “well I-I  _ do _ help out in raising Laurel, yes.”

 

            “So you would say that Miss Luthor has a strong support system? To help her with her daughter. Reliable? Stable? There’s consistency in her daughter’s life?”

 

            “Yes. I’ve been there from the day she was born.”

 

            Nodding, Alex paced back and forth, a thoughtful look on her face. “Mrs Luthor is suing custody on the grounds of her daughter being an unfit mother to her granddaughter. Seeing as you’ve been a firsthand witness to Miss Luthor’s parenting, Miss Danvers, what’s your opinion on the kind of mother she is? Is she a good one?”

 

            Quickly nodding her agreement, Kara smiled, bigger this time. “An amazing one. Laurel is her first priority. Lena devotes all of her time to being a good mother.”

 

            She listened as her friend gave a warm and lovely testament to how great of a mother she was. Kara answered all of Alex’s questions with ease, giving a glowing character witness of Lena, painting her as the kind of person Lena wished that she  _ was _ . Perhaps to Kara she was a piece of all the things she said she was, but in Lena’s own mind, she was far from that person. It made her smile slightly, to hear the words. 

 

            But then her mother’s lawyer climbed to his feet, and she stilled, the small flicker of hope guttered as he gave Kara a slow, sharp smile. He would tear her to pieces.

 

            “Miss Danvers, you said you and Miss Luthor are … friends?”

 

            “That’s correct, yes.”

 

            The man scooped a file up off the table and held it up, in plain sight of everyone. “Your Honour, I’d like to introduce into evidence some photographs.”

 

            Spluttering, Alex climbed to her feet, “Your Honour, no photographs were in evidence prior to today’s hearing. Why are they only now being submitted?”

 

            “These photographs were only discovered today, there was no time,” the lawyer reasoned, “and they pertain to the type of questions I’d like to ask the witness. Your Honour, I’d like to, again, submit them into evidence.”

 

            Pausing for a second, although Lena could see that he wasn’t deliberating it, he’d clearly already made up his mind, he nodded, waving the lawyer forward. “I’ll allow it.”

 

            Photos were distributed to Alex and the judge, before the lawyer set them down in front of Kara. As Lena craned her neck to see, she heard Alex’s sharp intake of breath, before she turned her eyes to her and gave her an accusing look. The photos slapped down on the tabletop, fanning out across the surface to reveal dim shots. Scrambling to gather them up, Lena’s mouth fell open, and she wordlessly spluttered as she looked down at photos of her and Kara outside a bar. The first shot had Kara bracing herself against the brick, a mist of rain making everything in the dark photograph glisten. The next was of the two of the pressed together, taken from an angle that clearly showed the kiss. The third was of them climbing into a cab, hand in hand.

 

            “Miss Danvers, can you please tell me what you see in these photos?”

 

            Silent for a few moments, her cheeks pink, Kara seemed to chew on her words, trying to find a way around the implications. “Lena and myself.”

  
            “And in this second photo, you and Miss Luthor are …”

 

            “Kissing,” Kara unwillingly muttered, a bitter smile twisting her lips as she was forced to admit it.

 

            “So your relationship with Miss Luthor is …”

 

            Letting out a quiet huff of frustration, Kara set the photos back down. “We’re  _ just _ friends.”

 

            “Do you deny that you and Miss Luthor have ever engaged in sexual activities?”

 

            Silent for a few moments, Kara squirmed in her seat, her cheeks turning redder at the question as she avoided meeting anyone’s gaze, let alone her sister’s, who was still somewhat stunned as she looked from Lena to Kara and the photos.

 

            “No, but it was just one-”

 

            “So yes, you have,  _ but _ you’re just friends? It was just a casual hookup?”

 

            “Yes.”

 

            “And how many other casual hookups do you and Miss Luthor engage in at your apartment, where her daughter also lives? Are other people frequent visitors?” 

 

            “Wha- no, we don’t- never while Laurel-” Kara spluttered her objections.

 

            Lena sat rigidly in her seat, stiff with anger, a stab of betrayal knifing through her chest as Kara dug her into a mess. It wasn’t her fault, of course, she was legally bound to tell the truth, but it still hurt to know that she’d ruined their chance to fight back against Lex. The judge could use this to smear Lena’s name, to paint her as an unfit mother, take her daughter from her. Her knuckles turned white beneath the table as she clenched her hands into fists in her lap.

 

            The rest of the questioning fell on deaf ears as Lena numbly sat there, too embarrassed to even look at Alex. She hadn’t told her this, she hadn’t thought it would come up again, and it could cost her everything. The hearing was adjourned for the day not too long afterwards, and Lena unsteadily climbed to her feet, brushing off Alex’s hand as she turned, brushing past, passing down the centre aisle of the small courtroom. She burst out into the cool hallway, marble floor clicking beneath her heels as she rushed out of the room, out of the building. 

 

            Alex had brought them there, and Lena walked straight to her car, her breathing panicked as she uselessly tugged on the door handle, until Alex finally emerged from the building with her sister and Sam, the car lights blinking as she unlocked it. Almost stumbling backwards in surprise, Lena climbed into the back, settling down on the cold leather seats and buckling herself up with shaking hands. No one spoke as they joined her in the car, and the radio quietly played staticky music as they pulled out into traffic.

 

            The drive back to her and Kara’s place was the most uncomfortable one that she could ever remember, everyone quiet as they thought about the trial, lost in their own thoughts about what had been said that day. All of them went upstairs, and Kara put a pot of coffee on as everyone crowded around the kitchen table. With her head in her hands, Lena drew in a deep breath, before straightening up, placing her hands flat on the wooden tabletop as she stared down at the grain. Quiet voices washed over her, leaving her undisturbed to wallow in her fears. They were going to lose.

 

            A steaming mug was set down in front of her and she immediately picked it up, taking a big swallow as it scalded her throat. She didn’t care. Too jittery to sit still, she abruptly stood up and started pacing with coffee in hand, aware of three pairs of eyes on her, watching her with open concern as they talked strategy. Alex’s angry words as she berated Kara broke through Lena’s thoughts, irritated that she hadn’t been told about that singular night, letting her be blindsided by it. It was a minor thing, as a whole, but in their case, it was like a hole had been punched straight in their argument. Lena was only twenty-one, too young to be a mother in some people’s eyes, and despite Kara’s glowing recommendations of her character, it painted her in a bad light, and they all knew it. Alex left with resigned weariness, giving them stern warnings to rest for tomorrow, before following Sam out of the door.

 

            Left alone with Kara, Lena didn’t quite know what to do or say. She was angry, more so at herself for letting herself be reckless, slipping up when she knew her brother would be watching for a mistake. She should’ve known. Even if she was drunk, she should’ve known better. And even though she knew it wasn’t Kara’s fault, she was mad at her anyway, because the only other alternative would be to admit that she’d all but offered her daughter up for her mother to take from her.

 

            “Lena?”

 

            Jerking herself out of her bitter anger at the sound of her name, she looked at Kara, blinking owlishly as she came back to herself.

 

            “I asked what you want for dinner,” Kara warily asked.

 

            “I’m not hungry,” Lena waved the question aside.

 

            Softly sighing, Kara walked over to her, a pitying look in her eyes as she gave her an understanding look. “I know it looks bad, but-”

 

            “But what?” Lena snapped.

 

            “Alex will find a way. It’s not lost yet.”

 

            “It’s as good as! Even if Lex hasn’t paid off the judge, which, let’s be honest, he’s obviously pocketed a nice few million, he now thinks I’m an unfit mother who’s slutting it up with  _ you _ while my daughter sleeps next door.”

 

            Pressing her lips together in a grim line, Kara stared at her with wide blue eyes.

 

            “Why did you have to tell them!” Lena exclaimed, a wounded look on her face as her shoulders slumped. It wasn’t fair for her to blame Kara, she knew that, but she couldn’t help herself.

 

            “I had no choice!” Kara hoarsely argued, her voice low and pleading, “I was under oath. You know that. And I know that you’re mad, and scared, and it’s okay.” She stepped closer, reaching out to grip Lena’s upper arms, a soft, encouraging look on her face as she gave her arms a gentle squeeze. “I won’t lose either of you. I refuse to let you go. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more- I mean, I wish I didn’t have to testify-”

 

            Choking on a snort of laughter, Lena gave her a grim smile, “you would’ve had to marry me to stop that.”

 

            “I would’ve,” Kara insisted, letting out a quiet laugh, her lips twitching up into a small smile, “maybe we should’ve. Well it’s too late for that now anyway, so ...”

 

            Wrapping her arms around Kara, Lena held her tight, squeezing her eyes shut as she blew all the air out of her lungs, small tears leaking out of the corner of her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, “I don’t blame you. I never could. You’re the only person that I have, besides Ducky. I don’t want to lose you too.”

 

            “I know,” Kara murmured, her breath warm on Lena’s cheek as she tenderly stroked her hair, always so kind and understanding. 

 

            It made Lena feel even worse. She didn’t deserve someone as nice of Kara. She was cold and stubborn and rash, to Kara’s soothing calmness, her soft warmth and neverending selflessness. Jerking backwards, she broke Kara’s comforting grip on her and hastily wiped at her cheeks, two spots of colour on them as she scowled, feeling slightly embarrassed at how emotional she was. It had been a long day, and she needed to unwind. Clearing her throat, she looked down at the half-empty cup she held, still hot as it warmed her hand, before brushing past Kara.

 

            “I’m going to take a bath.”

 

            “I’ll order pizza.”

 

            “Great.”

 

            Setting her mug down on the kitchen counter, Lena walked down the hallway leading to Kara’s room and the bathroom, pushing open the heavy door and walking over to the bath that loomed in the middle of the room. Running hot water, she rummaged through the cabinets until she found bath salts, bath bombs and bubble bath - anything to help her relax - the water soon a clear blue colour and smelling faintly of lavender. Fresh towels were folded on shelves, and she set one on the small end table beside the bath, before stripping off her court clothes, the modest dress peeling off, joining her heels over in the corner, before she stripped off her underwear and dipped a toe into the hot water.

 

            Her muscles relaxed as she slipped into the heat, tendrils of steam drifting up from the surface as the water rippled outwards from where she disturbed it. Resting her head back against the rim, she relaxed amidst the mountain of bubbles, her face flushed from the heat and stray hairs sticking to her forehead and cheeks as it dampened. She could’ve stayed in there for hours, far away from the stress of a custody battle, her hot temper and biting words, everyone’s pitying stares and her daughter’s loving brown eyes as she begged Lena to help her build towers with her Lego. She didn’t know that she’d be leaving soon, to a sprawling house where gunpowder perfumed the rooms, alcohol flowed like water and water ran pink as blood was washed away after a night of bloodthirsty violence. It was a life she’d tried to keep her daughter away from.

 

            A knock on the door broke her out of her wallowing, and she let her head loll to the side as she stared at the plain oak door. “Come in,” she softly called out, her fingers trailing through the clear water as the bubbles dwindled down to lumps of foam. 

 

            She had no qualms about Kara coming in on her bathing - they were already past that - and a moment later the door opened to reveal her roommate juggling two large pizzas, a bottle of wine, and two glasses. Giving Lena a soft smile, Kara stepped into the steamy room, kicking the door shut behind her and walking over to the tub. Setting the glasses down on the end table, Kara carefully folded her lithe legs beneath her, sitting on the floor as she set the pizzas down and opened the bottle of wine. Pouring a healthy measurement into each glass, she held one out to Lena, who murmured her thanks as her fingers wrapped around the stem. She was off duty as a parent for the night, with Lucy and James babysitting for the night, before bring her back in the morning before court was in session again, which meant that Lena allowed herself to indulge in the much needed drink. 

 

            They were both silent as they ate and drank, Lena accepting slices of pepperoni pizza off Kara as she tried not to spray her with drops of water, her glass of wine seemingly always full as it was constantly topped up. By the time the water was nearing a lukewarm temperature, she felt somewhat better. Not enough to naively convince herself that she would win tomorrow, but enough for the moment.

 

            “Lena?” Kara quietly asked, her voice a low murmur as she sat with her back against the bath, a half-eaten slice of pizza in her hand as she craned her neck to look up at her roommate, an uncertain look in her innocent blue eyes.

 

            Resting her arm on the rim of the tub, her chin propped up on top, Lena rolled the stem of her wineglass between her fingers, watching the Merlot swill around inside. “Mm?”

 

            Her question was a long time coming, as if she was nervous to ask, or nervous about what the response would be. Lena was patient as she watched Kara chew on the words, trying to pick them carefully as she fiddled with her slice, a brooding look on her face. 

 

            “Why are your family like this? I mean … it’s not normal.”

 

            Letting out a loud laugh, bouncing off the tiles in the spacious bathroom, Lena threw her head back, exposing her pale throat as she faced the ceiling, eyes closed and lips quirked up into a wry smile. Lowering her head again, she gave Kara a pained smile, resting her chin back on her arm. 

 

            “No. It’s not normal, no. We just … I don’t know. There’s a  _ need _ for control. Growing up, if my mother told me to jump, she wanted me to ask how high. And that’s nothing compared to my father. He gave a guy an order? It’d better be done or he’d be found the next morning floating in the harbour with his throat slit. Lex is … he  _ tries _ to be like my dad, but his methods lack the … finesse. He’s more vicious. Brutal. He has a need to prove himself, to show that he’s worthy of taking over. From the moment he took over, I watched him spiral deeper and deeper into  _ this _ . And me … well, I’ve always done what I pleased. As long as I was loyal, was present for all the important events, never let anyone spit on my family’s name … I was a part of it. For control, there needs to be order, and when my brother told me to come home? I didn’t listen. So this whole thing? It’s just him proving a point. That he’s in control. This little taste of freedom over the past three years, that was him  _ letting _ me have it. So we’re like the way that we are because … we  _ have _ to be in control. There’s no power without it. And that’s always been  _ my _ normal.”

 

            Turning around, kneeling beside the bath, Kara gave her a serious look, brow furrowed slightly, eyes troubled and burning with emphasis. “But you’re  _ not _ like them. You’re not. I know who you are, and you might’ve grown up with all of that, but it’s not you. You don’t belong there with them. And I won’t let you go back somewhere you don’t belong.”

 

            A tender smile curled Lena’s lips, and she reached out to cup Kara’s cheek in a wet hand, stroking her cheek as she gave her a searching look. After a few glasses of wine, her inhibition was somewhat reserved, and feeling a little bold, and in need of something to relieve her of the anger and stress, she let her fingers trail across Kara’s skin in a featherlight touch, brushing her hair back, watching the way Kara’s lips parted slightly as she sat frozen as she knelt beside the tub. 

 

            “Lena,” Kara murmured, her voice holding a quiet warning.

 

            With a strained smile, Lena cocked her head to the side and arched an eyebrow, “what hurt can it do now?”

 

            “We said it was a one time thing. For fun.”

 

            “And won’t it be fun this time?”

 

            Removing her wet hand from her cheek, Kara held it tightly in her own, pressing a light kiss to the back of it and patting it gently, before giving Lena a stern look. “That’s not the point I’m trying to make. Once is just- it’s fun, but twice is …”

 

            _“More_ fun?”

 

            Letting out a laugh of surprise, Kara slowly shook her head, her eyes sparkling with amusement, before she sobered up again, just a little. Despite her reservations, she’d already instinctively moved closer, her hands still holding Lena’s clasped between her own.

 

            “It’s just to … relieve stress, right?”

 

            “Of course,” Lena mumbled, shifting upright in the bath.

 

            “Just fun between friends.”

 

            “Nothing more. I promise.”

 

            And then Kara kissed her, her pizza abandoned on the tiled floor, and she snagged Lena’s wineglass from her hand as she drew her closer over the rim of the porcelain tub. Splashing water everywhere, Lena pushed herself up, bringing Kara with her, their lips still pressed together in a rough kiss. Water streamed off her, and she managed to soak the front of the pink dress Kara had worn to court as she climbed out of the bath, pressing herself up against her. Kara wrapped a clean towel around her, and Lena smiled into the kiss as she held it closed at the front, urging her backwards, towards the door.

 

            Leaving a trail of wet footprints across the tiled floor, out into the hallway and into Kara’s room directly across, Lena helped tug the pink dress off. Her towel was abandoned as Kara pushed her up against the door, quietly clicking closed beneath her weight, and Lena closed her eyes as her friends lips trailed warm kisses along her jaw and down her neck. Her heart pounded in her chest as she gave herself over to the distraction, craving an escape from the awful day she’d had, and a part of her felt bad for using Kara like this, but it was just for fun, she reasoned. For both of them. Urging the blonde’s head back up, her fingers knotted in her hair, Lena roughly kissed her, pulling Kara closer, as close as she could, needing the comfort of someone else’s touch. Just for the night.

 

            In the morning, nothing had changed. This time, she woke up beside Kara though, one arm thrown across her waist, blonde hair fanned out on her pillow as she drew in even breaths through parted lips. It made Lena’s stomach lurch for a moment, guilt and embarrassment creeping up on her, but she pushed it aside and lifted Kara’s leaden arm, slipping out of bed and leaving her roommate to sleep. It was a little while before dawn still, and they didn’t have to be at court until mid-morning. She brewed herself some coffee and set about making pancakes, needing something to do before she took to pacing back and forth. 

 

            Kara rose not too long afterwards, a hesitant smile on her face, before she brightened up at the stack of pancakes Lena set down in front of her, her own cup of coffee beside it. They didn’t address what happened last night, not like last time, because now they both knew they could handle it. Instead, Lena listened to Kara describe the strange dream she’d had, laughing at the ridiculousness of it, and a small part of her wondered if maybe Kara was making it up to make her feel better. Sometimes she forgot they were both still so young, but there were moments when they were laughing over silly things when it hit her that she should be laughing like that all the time, talking about her crushes, going out on the weekends and worrying about college. Not halfway through a custody battle she was going to lose, with a nearly three year old daughter, and the burden of responsibility weighing heavily on her shoulders. 

 

            Lena had never had the chance of a real childhood, but laughing with Kara, she couldn’t help but feel a little bit guilty, like she was stealing Kara’s fun from her too. And she knew that Kara had a choice, and Lena had tried to force her hand before, in vain, but she still felt a flicker of sadness as she gave her a soft smile, watching Kara dig into her pancakes with enthusiasm. They’d both made their own choices, and it had thrown them together, and Lena was endlessly grateful for that.

 

            There was a knock on the door a little after eight, revealing a trio standing in the doorway; James holding Laurel and Lucy with her bag in hand. Ushering them all in, Kara went to make more coffee, while Lena took her daughter in her arms, hugging her tightly as she gave her friends a grim smile and thanked them. They were both going to be in court to support her today, their encouraging words going over her head as she nodded along, trying to fight back the nausea that rose inside. It hadn’t gone well yesterday, and she couldn’t imagine it going much better today. Sam, along with a few of Lena’s college professors, were going to be taking to the stand today. She knew her mom was going to be calling her brother and a few of his friends. It wouldn’t go well at all.

 

            Laurel had already been fed, bathed and dressed by Lucy, which meant that Lena had a little time for a tea party with her daughter before court, pretending with the plastic teapot and cakes, while Kara raced around, tidying up and getting dressed. She seemed more anxious today - hers visible, whereas Lena kept hers hidden - and by the time it hit nine o’clock, she was nervously wringing her hands as they waited for Alex to appear.

 

            They dropped Laurel off at Winn’s, and Lena blinked back tears as she hugged her tightly, for a long time, kissing her and giving her a watery smile, before turning her over to her friend’s care. With wishes of luck for the day, Winn took the little girl inside, already getting her excited for some cartoons and waffles, and Lena walked back out to the car, sliding in beside Kara, who reached over to grab her hand and give it a quick squeeze. They drove to the courthouse in silence, a feeling of dread growing increasingly stronger as they approached the old stone building, the towering pillars stretching up as yellowed steps raced up to meet the front doors. 

 

            Alex parked the car, and they all climbed out, walking up the steps as Alex hurriedly started counselling Lena, telling her what to expect, what strategy they were going for, and other things that went straight over her head. She couldn’t bring herself to care about what Alex was going to do. It didn’t matter. The only thought going through her head was a silent prayer that some miracle would happen, and she’d win. She couldn’t bear the thought of going back home with her daughter, because letting her go wasn’t an option, and she’d go willingly, no matter how much she didn’t want to.

 

            “Miss Luthor,” an unfamiliar voice called out, and she whirled around, frowning from behind her sunglasses as she hugged her coat to herself. A man was leaning against the closed door of the black SUV, a friendly smile on his face as he pushed off it, making towards her with a purposeful stride.

 

            “Can I help you?”

 

            He flashed her a badge quickly, “my name’s Hank Henshaw. I just need a few minutes of your time.”

 

            Glancing over her shoulder at Kara, who had paused a few steps below Alex, who was impatiently checking her time, Lena turned back to him and gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, it’s not a good time right now. I have a hearing.”

 

            “I know. I can help you win it.”


	12. Chapter 12

            “I can help you win.”

 

            Lena was already turning away from the man, and froze as he spoke. Slowly turning back to him, she gave him a wary look. “Sorry, who did you say you were?”

 

            He flashed her a smile, a triumphant look in his eyes as he stared at her with dark eyes. “A few minutes of your time. I’ll explain everything.”

 

            Alex’s muttered curses drifted intelligibly towards her, and then she was at Lena’s side, arms folded over her chest and a cool look on her face as she stared at the man. “Miss Luthor already has a lawyer. If you’ll please excuse us.”

 

            “Oh, I’m not a lawyer. You’re welcome to join your client for our conversation. It won’t take long.”

 

            With a thinly veiled expression of suspicion, Alex slowly nodded, turning to tell Kara that they’d meet her inside. Her sister’s protests fell on deaf ears, and Lena turned to give her a quick encouraging smile, watching Kara throw her hands up in frustration, before she followed after the man and her roommate dejectedly walked the rest of the way up the steps to meet Sam. 

 

            Her attention trained on the man in front of her, Lena trailed after him, with Alex in tow, walking away from the courthouse as he crossed the road and walked a little ways down the street. Ducking into a dingy coffee shop, a tinny bell jingling as the stiff door was jerked open, he walked to the back, taking a seat beneath the loud, clunking fan heater. Lena perched on the edge of a rickety metal chair, keeping her hands in her lap as she took in the rings of coffee stains on the tabletop, staring at Hank expectantly. 

 

            “Well?” Alex bluntly asked, raising her eyebrows, before glancing down at her watch. “Court starts in less than an hour.”

 

            With a quick laugh, Hank opened his worn leather satchel and pulled out a thin folder, setting it down on the grimy table and opening it. He thumbed through the paper as he started talking. “I’m the Director of the Department of External Operations. We’re a more specialised branch of Homeland Security. Not so different from the FBI, but more focused on outside threats to our nation.”

 

            “And what does that have to do with my client?”

 

            “Your client is part of a crime family.”

 

            “Former part of one,” Alex corrected.

 

            Hank smiled, “there’s a rule in the mob. If you’re not dead, you’re still a member.”

 

            “Very true,” Lena dryly agreed, giving him a tight smile, “although I haven’t had real contact with them in nearly three years. Not since I was kicked out of home, which I’m sure you already know.”

 

            “We’ve been keeping tabs on you,” Hank agreed, brushing her comment aside as he continued. “And we’ve been keeping closer tabs on your brother too, and your mother. Most of the drugs your family moves are imported, which falls under the jurisdiction of my department. As well as the illegal firearms, the offshore bank accounts, and the most recent addition of trafficking. I’ve spent years compiling a list of evidence to bring down the Luthor family, first with your father, and now with your brother. I’m to believe you recently completed a master of psychology?”

 

            A wary feeling creeping up on her, Lena nodded, hands clenched into fists in her lap as she glanced at the door, and then around at the few occupants of the coffee shop. No one would be able to hear them over the sound of the loud fan heater and the grinding of the coffee machine, but she still wondered if perhaps it was a trap. There was no back exit - she’d already given the place a once over when they walked in - and a part of her noted that it would be a good place for an ambush. 

 

            “I’d like to offer you a job,” Hank said, matter of factly.

 

            “A  _ job _ ,” Lena spluttered, her eyebrows rising in surprise. That was the last thing she’d been expecting.

 

            “In exchange, I can make all of this disappear. The judge has been bribed, I have proof, and if he doesn’t tip the case in your favour, then I have the grounds to bring him in. I doubt he’ll want to lose his job, house, wife, and everything he owns.”

 

            Eyebrows pulling together into a frown, Lena leant back in her chair, giving him a sceptical look. “Why? I mean, what can I offer you?”

 

            “Psychological profiling. Of your brother, mostly, but you’d be assigned to other cases too. You’d need to complete base training, of course. It takes a year. But I could use you as a consultant for the time being. You know things about your family that even my deepest planted agents wouldn’t be able to tell me. You’re invaluable. Here, a copy of the contract I’m willing to offer you.”

 

            He picked up a stapled form and handed it over to Lena, who stared down at the emblem of the agency on the front. Pursing her lips slightly, she thumbed through the thick stack of paper, turning the idea over in her head. It was a good offer - a guaranteed way to keep her daughter - but the cost would be high. If this man had people in deep with her brother, her brother likewise had people in his office. They’d hear about it, and it could put the people she cared about into even more danger. It would put her family at risk. But at least she’d have her family with her. Pulling her hands back, she hid the forms beneath the table, giving him a serious look.

 

            “I’d like some time to think about it.”

 

            “My client accepts,” Alex said at the same time.

 

            Lena let out a spluttered sound of protest, her eyes widening as she turned to give her friend a pointed look. Alex gave her her own pointed look in return, an urgent look in her brown eyes, and a flicker of worry as she pressed her lips into a thin line. The muscles in her jaw worked as she clenched her teeth, a look of something akin to anger or frustration briefly flitting across her face.

 

            “Lena,” she quietly muttered, her voice low and hard, “I’m good at my job, I’m fucking  _ good _ , but I can’t win this case for you. It’s dirty and messy and you’re going to lose, okay? If it was  _ anyone _ else, I could win it, but this is your family, and they’re practically above the law, and I can’t touch them, no matter how dirty I fight back. So you need to take this offer, or you’re going to lose your little girl. And I won’t let you do that. I won’t let you lose her to them, and I won’t let you leave my sister out in the cold, after everything that she’s done for you, and all the danger you’ve put her in. So you’re going to sign that contract, take the job, and we’re going to  _ win _ . Okay?”

 

            Swallowing the lump in her throat, the papers reemerged from beneath the table, the edges curling up from where her hands had instinctively clutched at is as she stiffly listened to Alex’s urgent orders. Nodding, Lena smoothed her hands over the form and then slid it across to Alex. They didn’t have much time, and Alex quickly skimmed through the pages, her eyes flitting across the black printed letters as she read through the contract. Hank was patiently silent the whole time. In the end, the form was returned to him with Lena’s name signed at the bottom of a few pages with a flourish. He shook her and Alex’s hands and they all climbed to their feet, stepping back outside into the brisk wind of the autumn day.

 

            “I’ll be in touch, Miss Luthor,” Hank replied, pausing for a moment on the sidewalk as a troubled look crossed his face, “and might I offer some advice? You should consider staying with a friend for a couple of days. You too, Miss Danvers. I don’t think your brother will take lightly to losing.”

 

            “Thank you, Agent Henshaw,” Lena said, a tense feeling coiling in her stomach as she thought about the rest of the trial. 

 

            A flicker of hope burned inside where it had all but been extinguished before, and although she was trying not to let all of her expectations ride on the word of a man she’d just met, she couldn’t help but feel more hopeful than she had been that morning. There was a sliver of a chance more than there had been, and that was something. Lena would take all the chances she could get.

 

            They parted ways after that, her and Alex falling into step beside each other as they braced themselves against the buffeting wind, both of them lost in their own thoughts as they walked in silence. As they mounted the old brick steps, Lena slowed slightly, a thoughtful look on her face as she plodded up them after her lawyer. 

 

            “Hey, Alex?”

 

            “Hm?”

 

            “Just, for the record, I think you’re a great lawyer,” Lena told her, a faint smile on her lips, “and no matter what happens, I’m grateful to you for doing this for me. More than you know.”

 

            Turning to look over her shoulder, Alex shrugged, her serious expression softening slightly as she gave Lena a lopsided smile in return. “Yeah, well, you’re trouble, but you’re family, so of course.”

 

            Nodding, Lena redoubled her pace and caught up with her, both of them stepping into the building and away from the snatching wind. Kara was sitting beside Sam on a bench along the main hallway, and leapt to her feet at the sight of them both, her heels clicking on the floor as she rushed towards them, Sam in tow.

 

            After a hurried explanation, a few looks of mild surprise, and half-answered questions, they were all ushered into the courtroom. Kara gave Lena’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, before they parted ways, the blonde taking a seat with the rest of the audience, while Lena followed Alex down the aisle and stepped through to take a seat behind the table. Her mother wasn’t there yet, or her brother, and Lena anxiously ran her hands over the thighs of her dress as she wondered if Hank was talking to the judge right now, sorting things out for her. Her mouth was dry and she reached out for the bottle of water placed on the desk for her, taking a sip as her stomach twinged slightly. 

 

            There was something about waiting that just made the whole thing worse. Was Laurel about to be taken away from her, or would the government agent sort it out? What was her brother planning today? He was going to take the stand, and surely he had something good. Or perhaps he didn’t, so cocky and self-assured in his bribery and blackmail that he would barely have to say a bad word about her to know that he’d won. 

 

            It was another fifteen minutes before the judge entered, looking unbothered and a little impatient as everyone rose to their feet and court was pronounced in session. Back and forth it went, with witnesses being cross-examined by both sides. Some of Lex’s thugs and her mother’s old friends took to the stand, giving character testimonies to the spoilt party girl Lena had been, while Sam, James and Lucy spoke of the person she was now. The responsible mother, the person who had devoted everything to raising a happy and healthy daughter, a good friend and a kind person. It made Lena’s eyes burn as if she was about to cry, hearing her friends defend her. She’d never had people like that in her life before, and her heart twinged at the words as she watched on from behind her table. Her feelings were usually tucked away, hidden from everyone, except Kara on the rare occasion, but they resurfaced as court progressed. Running through a series of feelings, depending on who was talking, Lena started to get antsy.

 

            A recess was eventually announced, and they all traipsed out of the stuffy courtroom, the cool air washing over them as Lena moved over to one of the water fountains. She took a sip to sate her dry mouth, her heartbeat rapid as her palms turned clammy. When they went back in, her brother would give his testimony, and that would be it. Whatever happened next, it could ruin Lena’s life. Either way, the outcome would be dangerous, and either way she’d stay with her daughter. But one path would lead her straight towards violent danger, dark and bloody people with twisted ideas of what was right and wrong, and the other would let her stay with people who cared about her, who had been with her every step of the way since she’d bumped into Kara at Winn’s diner. She couldn’t bear the thought of giving it all up. 

 

            She must’ve looked pale with fear, her green eyes owlish as she anxiously paced back and forth, because Kara came up to her, a soft look of worry and encouragement in her soothing blue eyes as she reached out for her. On the verge of tears, Lena let herself be half-dragged over to the nearest restroom, the door giving way beneath Kara’s touch as she pulled her inside. All the stalls were empty, a tap dripping listlessly into a basin, and Lena’s breathing turned ragged as she broke out in a cold sweat. Walking over to the nearest sink, she vomited, mostly bile and leaving a sour taste in her mouth, gripping the edge of the basin so hard that her knuckles turned white, and choked on a sob. Kara’s cool fingers brushed the back of her neck as she swept Lena’s dark hair up into a hand, her other one rubbing gentle circles on her back as Lena drew in a ragged breath. 

 

            “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

 

            “They’re going to take her,” Lena hoarsely replied, her voice cracking as sharp tears pricked her eyes. She blinked furiously, trying to keep them at bay as she hunched over the sink, trying to quell the roiling nausea threatening to rise up again.

 

            “No they’re not,” Kara firmly told her.

 

            Rearing her head slightly, Lena stared at their reflection in the mirror, taking in the hardness of Kara’s features, stubborn determination giving her an unusually stern look. Rinsing her mouth out with some cold water from the tap, Lena spat into the sink and straightened up, her hand shaking as she ran the back of it across her mouth. Staring at Kara with fear, her eyes feeling heavy as weariness swept through her, she swallowed the lump in her throat and her face crumpled slightly.

 

            “You don’t know that.”

 

            Pulling a few paper towels out of the dispenser, Kara cupped her cheek in a hand and started to dab at her face, brushing sweaty strands of hair back as she carefully blotted her makeup, making sure it stayed put. “Neither do you,” she murmured, her fingers gently caressing a clammy cheek, her blue eyes earnest and steady.

 

            Letting out a shuddering breath, Lena closed her eyes and stood in the cool bathroom, trying to calm herself down. Pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes, she stood still, breathing evenly for a few minutes, while Kara stood close to her, patiently waiting for her to collect herself. They didn’t have much time, and Lena didn’t want to go back in there in pieces. She’d come too far to crumble now, to fall apart and give in without a fight. There was one thing that her father had instilled in her, and that was to never back down from a challenge. The fight was never over unless you were the winner. Lowering her hands, she blinked a few times and gave Kara a quick nod.

 

            “I know what you’re going through is tough,” Kara quietly said, a sad look in her eyes, “but  _ you _ are tougher. And you’re going to go back in there, with your chin held high, and you’re going to  _ win _ . And then we’re going to go to Winn’s and get your little girl, and you’ll never have to let her go again.”

 

            Nodding, Lena looked down at the tiled floor, swallowing thickly as she tried to force herself to believe Kara. With a soft exhale, Kara stepped forward and enveloped her in a tight hug, almost as if she was trying to keep all the pieces together, and Lena closed her eyes as she returned the hug. Taking comfort from a simple hug was still a foreign experience for Lena, but she had to admit that Kara never failed to make her feel better, easing the tension, chasing away her doubts and bringing a smile to her face. Just the strong presence of her arms wrapped around her, a solid heartbeat thumping in her chest, and the familiar smell of her favourite perfume and their laundry detergent made Lena relax in her embrace, burying her face in her shoulder as her taut shoulders went slack. Something warm brushed her temple and the thought that it might’ve been Kara’s lips crossed her mind, making her pulse leap slightly as thoughts of Kara kissing her flooded back. Memories from the night before rose up from the places she’d buried them, and Lena gently but firmly pulled back, an unconvincing smile on her face as she gave Kara a nod.

 

            “Okay,” she hoarsely replied, “let’s win it.”

 

            Fixing her makeup as best as she could, Lena tossed her dark hair back and strode out of the bathroom with a haughty look on her face, casting her brother a contemptuous look as she swept past where he was conferring with their lawyer, and walked back into the courtroom. Her retinue of support followed her in, filing down the aisle and taking their seats as they waited for court to be called back into session.

 

            “Do you think he’s done it?” Lena murmured to Alex, an anxious look on her face as she wrung her hands in her lap.

 

            Softly sighing, Alex reached out and rested a hand on her arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I guess we’ll find out soon. Just your brother left now.”

 

            Nodding, Lena shifted in her seat, glancing back over her shoulder to find Kara in the scattered sea of faces. She smiled as her friend gave her a small wave, giving her a nod in return, before turning back around as a side door opened and the judge walked in. Climbing to her feet, Lena felt a rush of surprise, making her pause slightly, as she took in the ashen look on the judge’s face, a sheen of sweat on his forehead, and she had to fight back a triumphant smile. It looked like Hank had followed through on his end of the deal, and if the rattled appearance of the judge was anything to go off, it looked like their chances had just increased, even if only a little.

 

            Trying her best not to look too smug, although she couldn’t deny the fact that she was still sick with worry, Lena settled back down on her chair, a tense look on her face as her brother was called to the stand. He strolled up to his seat with a smirk on his twisted lips, one hand in the pocket of his suit pants, and his hair slicked back. A burning anger started in Lena’s stomach, slowly spreading throughout her body as she turned rigid, watching him lounge on the wooden chair, so self-satisfied. He already thought he’d won. He was so  _ sure _ of it. 

 

            As his mother’s lawyer started asking him questions, Lena couldn’t keep a faint smile from her face, her green eyes hard as she pinned him with her gaze, feeling the anger grow hotter every time she met his eyes across the room. He spoke of her selfishness, her temper, her entitlement and lack of responsibilities. The picture he painted of her, of a spoilt little girl who used people and didn’t care about anyone else, wasn’t a nice image, and Lena grit her teeth together, finding the half-truths amongst the things he was saying. Not all of it was a lie. The person she’d been before becoming a mother was a far cry from who she was now, and she knew that she’d changed for the better. It was a heavy blow to her pride and ego though, listening to him spout so much negativity about her, spinning the truth in ways to make their mother look better.

 

            Her mother’s lawyer finished up without any nasty surprises for Lena, and Alex gave her a tight smile as she pushed her chair back and climbed to her feet. Watching with interest, Lena couldn’t help but admire Alex’s brash nature, unbothered by the fact that the man she was facing on the stand controlled half of the city. Diving into her list of questions, her tone brusque and biting, Alex ripped his words to shreds, using every kind word others had said about Lena to try and contradict the things he’d said. She could see her brother’s frustration growing with each question or comment from her lawyer, and as amusing as she found it, she worried for Alex. If she pushed him too far, he’d lash out. Not now, in the courtroom, but he wouldn’t forget. It was only a few minutes before she wrapped up though.

 

            The judge had been silent throughout Lex’s testimony, and a quick recess was called again, before he left the room to make his decision. It was quick, just a few minutes, and Lena didn’t even move from her seat as she waited, nervously jiggling her leg as she worried at her bottom lip with her teeth. People moved behind her, slipping out of the room to go to the bathroom or get a drink, but she paid them no mind, her fingers drumming on the wooden tabletop as Alex shuffled through the papers on the table before her, packing everything away in her briefcase and preparing herself for the verdict. The judge was back not ten minutes later, taking his seat and letting out a weary sigh. The few people in the room had all risen to their feet, and he cast his eyes over them as he made himself comfortable.

 

            “Please be seated.”

 

            Waiting for the sounds of movement to die down, he pressed his lips together in a thin line, fingers laced together and a look of fear in his eyes. His skin was even greyer than before, and if it wasn’t for his interlocked fingers, Lena suspected that his hands would be shaking.

 

            “I’ve taken all testimony and evidence in this matter into consideration, and under careful consideration my ruling is as follows; I hereby give sole physical custody of Laurel Kieran Luthor to her mother, Lena Luthor.”

 

            The rest of his sentencing went over Lena’s head as she went slack in her seat, intense relief washing over her as she numbly stared ahead, her heart thumping loudly in her ears and her whole body trembling. Letting out a shaky breath, she quickly blinked back tears, a hesitant smile breaking out across her face as she turned to look at Alex. Her lawyer gave her shoulder a hard squeeze, a burning look of success in her dark eyes as she gave Lena a warm smile. 

 

            Everything after that passed by quickly, the few spectators leaving, Lena’s friends waiting patiently outside, and her family conversing in quiet voices as her brother shot her and Alex venomous looks. It didn’t look like he was taking the loss well. She was surprised he hadn’t already incited a brawl, having never been one to keep his anger in check. Realising that it would be stupid to linger, and wanting so desperately to go to her daughter and hold her tightly, Lena climbed to her feet and was followed by Alex. They made their way down the centre aisle, keenly feeling the dark look of Lex following after them, and stepped through the large wooden door to an exclamation of excitement from Kara.

 

            “I told you!” she crowed, wrapping Lena in a tight hug.

 

            Laughing in relief, Lena hugged her back, both of them swaying slightly as they shook with their laughter. Pulling back, Lena gave her a bright smile, giving Kara’s arm a quick squeeze before she let go, an overwhelming sense of happiness and the consoling thoughts that she wasn’t going to lose her daughter settling in. The shock of the matter was still making her heart beat quickly, her whole body humming with adrenaline, her hands a little shaky as weariness washed over her. She’d spent months worrying about it, endless sleepless nights and skipped meals, tears and frustration, and it had all paid off in the end, but it had left her with a bone-deep tiredness. Now, all she wanted to do was go home.

 

            She couldn’t though, Hank’s words ringing in her ears about how they would all be better off staying away for a few days, and they all left the courthouse together, Lena thanking Lucy for her help with the case as they walked down the steps. There was an air of victory about them, everyone smiling with relief, feeling bolstered by the win, and as happy as Lena was, she couldn’t fully enjoy it, knowing that her brother’s anger would taint it somehow. Maybe not right away, but he’d leave something for her. Still, she couldn’t help but smile when Kara announced that pizza was on her to celebrate.

 

            They went to Winn’s diner first, where Lena went upstairs to find her daughter playing with some of her friend’s action figures, and she had to fight back tears as she scooped her up in her arms, kissing her cheek and relishing the feeling of holding her close, those tiny arms winding around her neck as Laurel laughed in delight. Winn was ecstatic for her, packing up two freshly baked pies from downstairs and leaving the waitress in charge as he bundled himself into Alex’s car, alongside Kara, Lena and Laurel. Sam had volunteered her place to celebrate, and they drove out to the suburbs to meet her there, James and Lucy having beat them to her house.

 

            True to her word, Kara ordered a stack of pizza, and Lena sat on the sofa with Laurel in her lap, a slice of cheese pizza in her hand, while the other was wrapped around her daughter. Ruby sat next to her, occupying the little girl with a few of her stuffed animals and Barbie dolls, and the hum of conversation washed over Lena as she allowed herself to unwind for the first time in weeks. Her body was stiff and aching, and her eyes grew heavy as she sat on the sofa, thinking about the events of the past few days. She’d never imagine she’d come out of it all with her daughter, let alone a  _ job _ , and nervous anticipation welled up within as she wondered what working for the DEO would bring to her life. No doubt it would be more trouble; she hardly seemed able to stay away from it. It was a good thing, she hoped, and at any rate, it had won her the custody battle, and Lena would give up anything for that. For the time being, she pushed it to the back of her mind and let herself enjoy the company of the people who had supported her and fought for her, a smile softening her face as she met Kara’s gaze across the room.

 

            They ate pizza and apple pie until it was all gone, the early afternoon giving way to dusk as the sky darkened outside. Sam extended the offer to let Lena, Kara and Alex all stay at her place, having a spare guest room upstairs, and Alex drove her sister back to both of their apartments to pack their bags. Their party disbanded after that, and Lena helped Sam tidy up, leaving Ruby playing with her daughter on the floor. She was still wearing her clothes from court, feeling uncomfortable and drained, her feet aching from where she’d been wearing heels all day, and her eyes burning from a lack of sleep. Stacking empty pizza boxes, she quietly chatted with Sam, who was putting dirty plates and glasses in the dishwasher, as they waited for the Danvers sisters to return.

 

            “So … you and Kara?”

 

            Lena paused for a moment, her cheeks reddening slightly as she slowly carried on cleaning up the mess, ducking her head slightly as a sheepish expression crossed her face. “No. Not like  _ that _ . We just- you know, we were drunk.”

 

            “Oh,” Sam said, unable to keep the surprise from her voice.

 

            Looking up, Lena raised her eyebrows slightly, “what, you thought we were _dating?”_

 

            Giving her a sheepish smile, Sam shrugged, “well … yeah. The way you two are around each other … I mean, as soon as  _ that _ was revealed yesterday, it just … I don’t know, made sense? You’re raising a child together-”

 

            “Yeah but we’re not in  _ love,” _ Lena snorted with laughter, shaking her head as she handed a fistful of cutlery over to Sam. “And even if we were, I wouldn’t. I know you went through something similar to me, and you didn’t have anyone for you, but by some miracle, I found Kara. And she’s not someone I want to lose. So yeah, even if we  _ did _ , which we  _ don’t _ , because it’s  _ just _ fun, I wouldn’t risk it.”

 

            “I get it,” Sam murmured in agreement, a soft look on her face as she smiled at her, “but if you ever  _ do _ find someone - someone  _ else _ \- you shouldn’t worry about losing them, because if they’re worth it, they’ll stay.” 

 

            “Yeah,” Lena muttered, “but I have more important things to worry about right now. Like planning a three year old’s birthday party.” 

 

            She rolled her eyes as Sam laughed, both of them sharing a knowing smile. Despite the fact that she was closest to Kara, Lena had a surprising amount in common with Sam, and she could always count on her to understand, at least a little. She’d picked her daughter over her family, over relationships and big opportunities, and she knew what it was like to sacrifice things for your child. Even if the circumstances were different, Sam always understood, and always supported her. She might not have been to Lena what Kara was, but she was still endlessly grateful to have a friend like her. 

 

            Their conversation drifted off towards other topics, like birthday party planning, and by the time Kara and Alex returned, laden down with bags of their belongings, Lena was giving Laurel a bath upstairs, getting ready to put her to bed. Alex brought the baby bag upstairs, leaning against the door as Lena pulled out pyjamas and other paraphernalia, laughing as Laurel splashed around in the warm water. 

 

            “Oh, yeah, I, uh, I have this for you,” Lena suddenly broke the silence, patting down the pockets of her dress and pulling out a folded slip of paper. “Here. Payment.”

 

            Scoffing, Alex rolled her eyes, waving it aside. “I don’t want your money, Lena. I wanted to help you.”

 

            “You spent  _ weeks _ working on this,” Lena insisted, urging her to take the cheque. It was a substantial fee, probably more than Alex would’ve charged a client, but Lena was more grateful than she could put into words, finding herself lacking in that department, and it was the only way she could make it clear how thankful she was. “Take it.”

 

            “Knowing that you get to keep her is enough payment. Honestly. You know I love the kid, and she’s happy. Look at her; she doesn’t even know what happened, she just knows that she has her mommy, and that’s all that matters to her. And that’s enough.”

 

            “Alex, this money came from all the drugs my family smuggled, and the guns they’d put out onto the streets, all the tax evasion and fraud and all the bad shit they’ve done. It’s not clean money, so please, do something good with it. Pay off your student loans. Buy a house. I don’t care, just … let me do a good thing.”

 

            She took the cheque without further objections, although a choked sound escaped her as she looked down at the number Lena had written in the blank space. Lena was left alone to finish bathing her daughter after that, sitting on the tiled floor as she gently splashed water on her, quietly laughing along with her. When she’d had enough, she lifted her out of the bath and wrapped her in a fluffy towel, smiling as she rubbed Laurels’ wet hair, her damp hair drying in dark curls, and dressed her in a pair of clean pyjamas covered in yellow ducks.

 

            “Ducky!”

 

            “That’s right,” Lena laughed, kissing her on the cheek, “clever girl. Shall we go and see if Aunt Sam has some milk for you to take to bed.”

 

            “Yep.”

 

            Hurriedly packing everything away, Lena scooped her daughter up, balancing her on one hip, and carried her downstairs. The three women were in the kitchen, sitting at the bar stools as they drank coffee, while Ruby watched cartoons on the TV in the living room. A mug of coffee was waiting for Lena, and Sam cooed over Laurel as she walked over to Lena, taking her off her and setting her on the edge of the counters, while Lena fished out a sippy cup. Kara slid off her stool and fetched some milk from the fridge, filling the bottle up and heating it in the microwave, while they all stood around, listening to the sound of the TV from the other room.

 

            “You can take the guest room with Laurel,” Sam told her, giving her a smile, before looking towards the other two women. “And Ruby can come in with me tonight, so one of you can have her bed. I’ve got blankets for the sofa, for whoever wants to take it.”

 

            “I’ll take it,” Kara volunteered.

 

            Letting out a snort of laughter, Alex raised an eyebrow as she took a sip of coffee. “What, you’re not going to join Lena?”

 

            Blushing, Kara scowled at her, “Alex.”

 

            “What? It’s not like you haven’t told me that you’ve slept in the same bed before. You said you couldn’t sleep properly for _days_ after James got shot, so you used to go into her room.”

 

            “That’s  _ not _ what you were talking about and you know it.”

 

            “It’s none of my business, Kara, I just think it’s pointless, you trying to sleep on the sofa, when it’s not as if you both haven’t-”

 

            “Fine, I’ll sleep in the guest room.”

 

            “I’m just saying, if you’re both dating then-”

 

_             “We’re not dating!”  _

 

            The words came from both of them, and Lena could scarcely bring herself to look at Kara, who was pointedly not meeting her gaze as her cheeks flushed red. She had to admit, it was funny, and she couldn’t stop the snort of laughter from escaping her as the microwave beeped and she pulled out the warm milk. It had seemed like such a trivial thing, just some fun, a secret between the two of them, and she’d never intended for insinuations to be made because of two harmless nights - although no one knew about the night before - and it struck Lena as funny that everyone assumed they were dating. 

 

            “You’re going to force her to move out if you keep this up,” Lena lightly joked, a pointed look on her face as she stared at Alex, a mild warning to not push it any further. Lena’s sense of humour only went so far, and Alex had been right when she said it was none of her business. She didn’t want to make a fuss out of it when one didn’t have to be made. No one had the right to begrudge either of them for enjoying themselves, and Lena wouldn’t let herself be embarrassed, jutting her chin up slightly as Alex rolled her eyes and gave her an exasperated look.

 

            “Okay, okay, it’s just a joke. But if you want me to take Laurel for the night-”

 

            “You’re not funny,” Kara grumbled, snatching her coffee off the counter and stalking out of the room, her voice brightening as she greeted Ruby and joined her in front of the TV. A chorus of laughter broke out in the kitchen, and even though she had no idea what was happening, Laurel joined in too, which only made it funnier.

 

            Testing the milk, Lena handed it to her and kissed her on the top of her head, pulling her mug of coffee towards her and taking a sip. They slipped into idle conversation for a while, talking about the custody battle, whether or not they should be going to work tomorrow, if Lena would be safe in the house by herself. Sam had an alarm system, which was something, and Lena doubted her brother would know she was there at any rate, and she placated them both as they worried about the outcome of the trial. It would all blow over, like a bad storm passing through, but she wasn’t sure what the aftermath would bring. She was trying not to dwell on that at the moment, focusing her attentions on Laurel instead. 

 

            Running a hand over her daughter’s hair, she smiled as the little girl held up her bottle of milk. “All gone.”

 

            Taking it from her, Lena set it down on the counter with her coffee, and lifted the reaching girl up into her arms. “Come on, time to say goodnight, Ducky. Give everyone a kiss.”

 

            Making the rounds, the doting women kissing her goodnight, Lena carried her upstairs and into the spare room, flipping on the light switches and setting her daughter down. Turning down the blankets, she patted the mattress and let Laurel climb into bed, before tucking her in and perching on the edge of the mattress. Only a few minutes had passed before there was a knock on the door, and a sheepish looking Kara poked her head in.

 

            “Sorry,” she whispered as Laurel kicked back the blankets, her face lighting up at the sight of the blonde woman. “I came to bring you your bags. And this.” 

 

            With a flourish, she produced the stuffed duck she’d bought Laurel as a baby, and the little girl let out a soft gasp, reaching out as Kara walked over to the bed and handed it over to her, gently coaxing her back down against the pillows and tucking her back in while Lena watched on.

 

            “Thank you,” Lena murmured, giving her a small smile.

 

            “And this,” Kara whispered, rummaging through Lena’s bag she’d brought in, coming up with a small box with a plug on it. Her night light. “I didn’t want- well, I just- I thought you might sleep better with it.”

 

            Her heart twinged slightly, and she smiled as she watched Kara busy herself with plugging it in, bathing the room in a soothing yellow light. Hitting the light switch, the room dimmed, casting things in shadow, but leaving enough light to chase away and fears of the dark. With a proud smile on her face, Kara looked at her, blue eyes shining with warmth, and Lena patted the space next to her, casting a look over at her daughter, whose eyes were already fluttering closed.

 

            “Thank you,” Lena said in a low voice as the mattress jostled beside her, turning her attention over to Kara. “Really. I mean it. Thank you for everything.”

 

            Smiling, Kara shrugged slightly, “that’s what friends do.”

 

            “Yeah but I’ve never had one like you before,” Lena said, a brooding look on her face as she drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them to herself. “And I thought I was going to have to leave you.”

 

            Quietly laughing, Kara reached out to brush her hair back for her, tilting her head to the side as she gave Lena a searching look. Meeting her gaze, Lena gave her a grim smile in return. “And what makes you think I would’ve let you go, hm?” Kara murmured.

 

            Eyelids slowly closing, Lena let out a soft sigh, “I would’ve made you.”

 

            Gently bumping her with her shoulder, Kara gave her an amused look, “ _ made  _ me, huh? It’s a good thing I’m stubborn then, because there’s no chance of that happening. Ever.”

 

            Wrinkling her nose slightly, Lena gave her a tight lipped smile. “I hope not.”

 

            “Me too,” Kara said, reaching up to give Lena’s hand a quick pat, before she climbed to her feet. “I’ll leave you alone for a bit. You probably want some space.”

 

            Nodding, a grateful look on her face, Lena watched her quietly leave, the door clicking shut behind her, and felt the tension bleed out of her. There was something about Kara’s presence that was always so calming, so soothing and comforting, and she felt warm and safe as she looked over at her daughter, who had slipped into sleep unawares of all the drama and fuss that the day had brought. 

 

            Trying not to jostle the bed, Lena climbed to her feet and stripped off her dress, changing into her pyjamas and settling back down on the bed, stretching out beside her daughter and letting her body unwind as she relaxed on the soft mattress. She could’ve done with a hot bath, a glass of wine and a distraction, but laying beside her daughter, listening to her even breathing as she slept, was a bigger comfort than all of those things, and she let her mind mull over some thoughts as she watched Laurel sleep, the stuffed duck clutched tightly to her chest. Pouty lips were parted, a serious look on her face, and dark lashes dusted her high cheekbones as she slept soundly, and Lena had to stop herself from reaching out to stroke a round cheek as she thought about the fact that they might’ve been in her family’s lavish home that night, instead of tucked away in the sprawling suburbs on the outskirts of the city.

 

            There was the part of her that knew that her brother would never hurt her daughter, although she couldn’t say the same for herself, and that they never would’ve wanted for anything, but Lena knew that there were more important things than having money. Her daughter would’ve been raised like she was, stamping down all of her feelings, letting her temper run free, with a sense of entitlement as things were handed to her on a silver platter. She wouldn’t grow up with hugs and kisses, drawings hung up on the fridge and picking flowers at the park, having bedtime stories read to her on demand, sometimes three times a night, and so much love that it almost drowned out any other feeling. They were things that Lena had never had, and her mother would’ve kept her apart from her, as much as she could, and she wanted to cry with relief at the fact that she didn’t have to go through that kind of loss.

 

            In fact, she did, just for a few minutes, quietly crying to herself as she wiped at her eyes and got it all out. She felt better for it afterwards. Still, when Kara crept up a while later, turning in early after the exhausting day, she paused at the telltale signs that Lena had been crying. Her eyes were bloodshot and slightly puffy, and although she didn’t comment on it, her expression softened, a sympathetic look in her eyes as she met Lena’s gaze. Without a word, she changed into her own pyjamas, pausing for a moment as if second-guessing her decision to intrude on Lena’s privacy, but Lena just threw back the blankets and carefully shifted her spread eagle daughter towards her to make room. Climbing into bed, Kara sandwiched Laurel in between them, and let out a quiet sigh as she pulled the covers up and briefly ran a hand over the sleeping girl’s curls.

 

            “Goodnight,” she mumbled.

 

            “Goodnight.”


	13. Chapter 13

            They stayed at Sam’s for a week, with Lena spending her days tidying up, doing laundry for the six of them, preparing something basic for dinner - she was getting quite good now - and making sure Laurel didn’t accidentally break any of Sam’s belongings. The suburbs were a vastly different place to the inner city rush, and Lena found its quieter, relaxed pace a nice break, although she wondered if it got boring after a while. There was a park a few streets over, the trees turning orange and brown as autumn crept in, and she took Laurel there to push her on the swings and watch her come down the slide, visiting the local stores to pick up groceries, and even browsed a few boutiques and organic shops as she ventured around the neighbourhood. 

 

            Kara slept in the guest room with her and Laurel, the little girl wedged in between them, or rather, taking up all the space as the two young women were forced to deal with the toddler laying on them, or confined to the edges of the bed. Despite that, Lena couldn’t remember ever sleeping better. But eventually, they had to leave, return to their normal lives and carry on with it, and Lena caught the bus back to the apartment with Kara, a feeling of unease brewing inside as they stepped through the front door of the building, taking in the bruised face of the doorman. The newspaper had reported the death of a judge, his wife and two kids, only the day before - the same judge from her trial - and Lena had been consumed by anger and guilt, hot tears prickling her eyes at the knowledge that, in some way, she’d done that to him. She wondered what her brother had left for her.

 

            Making their way upstairs in the elevator, they climbed out full of trepidation. Lena approached the door first, a wary look on her face as she took in the sliver of sunlight spilling out of the small gap where it was open. It was a sturdy door, made of solid wood, and  _ heavy _ , yet the single lock turned from the outside had been smashed in easily, and she let out a small sigh as she pressed against the wood, letting it swing inwards to reveal the damage. A small gasp fell from her lips and she blinked back tears as she lingered in the doorway, Kara coming up behind her to see for herself. It was like a bomb had gone off.

 

            Most noticeable were the empty window frames, jagged pieces of glass clinging to the edges of the frames and a bitterly cold wind rushing in, making the whole place cold. Lena shivered as she stepped further inside. The kitchen floor was covered in broken china and glasses, the cupboards left bare, bottles of wine and vodka struggling to mix with the olive oil kept on the counters, creating a sour mix. The bag of ground coffee beans had been upturned, the kitchen utensils scattered across the floor, and cupboard doors standing open from where they’d been raided. And that was just the kitchen.

 

            She slowly walked through the apartment, taking in the books pulled from the shelves, the pages shredded and torn from their spines, photo frames with spider webs of cracks on the glass, obscuring the images within, flat screen TV’s with cracked screens in the living room and the open plan area near the kitchen, the leather sofa cushions sliced through with knives, the decorative pillows ripped open, spilling fluffy feathers all over the room, the wind snaking in through the window catching them in its gentle breeze. Her room, Kara’s room, Laurel’s room … they were all the same. Everything that could quickly and easily be destroyed, had been. She was blinking back angry tears by the time they completed their circuit of the place, and Kara just reached out to give her arm a quick, comforting squeeze.

 

            “It’s nothing we can’t fix,” she reassuringly murmured.

 

            Letting out a choked laugh, Lena covered her hand with her own and nodded. And then she called the locksmith. 

 

            The locks on the front door were changed, windows were boarded up for the meantime, shutting out the cold as Kara got the thermostat on, warm air blowing out of the vents as they shivered. Lena got started in the kitchen and left Kara to sort out the living room, even though she’d tried to argue that she’d do it herself, feeling wracked with guilt, knowing that this was entirely her fault. Of course Kara insisted though, she seemed incapable of  _ not _ helping, and she never complained once. Trash bags filled up with torn pages to recycle, and Lena picked up the larger pieces of broken china, carefully setting them in the bag. 

 

            She found two bottles of unsmashed wine, most likely forgotten about as her brother tore through the apartment in his anger, and opened them, finding two wineglasses that could hold something in them at least, even if the rims were broken and stems snapped off. She drained her glass before going to find Kara and hand her one, her friend looking surprised as she patched up the sofa cushions with duct tape, shoving the stuffing back inside. Taking the wine, she drained it and gave Lena a grim smile. They’d have to replace nearly everything, from the canvas paintings that had been sliced through on the walls, down to the tiny glass salt and pepper grinders that had been taken out of the kitchen cupboards and smashed on the floor. It was a weary process, and Lena knew that she could hire people to do it, a team of cleaners to get rid of the mess, and an interior designer to redesign the place and bring in new furniture, but this was  _ her _ home, and she owed it to the apartment and to Kara to fix her own mess. 

 

            Kara put music on, and Lena ordered Chinese, the sun setting outside the boarded up windows as they cleaned in companionable silence, making their way through the first bottle of wine, and then onto the second. Lena finished sweeping up the mess in the kitchen, wiping all the counters down with cleaning products and mopping the dirty floor, and then moved onto their rarely used dining room, taking the bottle of wine with her as she got started on the broken vase and the delicate wooden chairs that had been splintered on the floor. The one in the kitchen they spent most of their time at was sturdier and had been left alone, but the one saved for special occasions hadn’t been quite so lucky. There wasn’t much she could salvage there, and she knelt dejectedly amongst splinters of wood as she drank wine and silently cursed her brother.

 

            “Well, we’ll need a new bathroom mirror, but at least those seven years of bad luck aren’t on us,” Kara cheerfully replied, coming in with a trash bag in one hand and a paper bag in the other, their food having just been delivered. She set down the trash with a chiming sound and knelt across from Lena, pulling cartons out of the bag and setting them down on the rug.

 

            “Are you sure?” Lena dourly replied, a dark look on her face as she looked at Kara, “because it sure sounds like I’ve got seven years of the  _ worst _ luck.”

 

            Waving aside her gloomy words, Kara shook her head, opening containers to reveal steaming foods. “No, this is just your brother being a dick. Although, I’m not sure I see the point, it’s not like he accomplished anything.”

 

            Letting out a snort of laughter, Lena accepted a pair of chopsticks and smiled as she picked up a box of peking duck. “It’s not about accomplishing anything. Have you ever told a guy no before? They’re such entitled bastards that if you say no, then no one can have it. No, he can’t have my daughter, so he’ll take away the safety and security here, so I might have my daughter, but I’ll never have that for her. He’s like a little kid on the playground; if he can’t have the toy, then no one can. And his anger, God, he gets angry.”

 

            “I can tell,” Kara muttered, a wry smile curling her lips as they sat amongst the wreckage of their apartment.

 

            Lena let out a slightly slurred laugh, feeling warm from all the wine she’d been drinking, seeing the flush in Kara’s cheeks too. “No, but he gets  _ really _ angry. Always has. The second it doesn’t go his way, his temper flares up, and he just- he’s not good at being patient if he doesn’t have to be - if it’s not  _ worth _ it - and he just snaps. The amount of times I watched him tear a room apart at home. Ha. And he’s not a small guy, either. He’s strong, strong enough that you can’t stop him, you just have to let him get it all out, because if you try, you just end up with a black eye if he lashes out, or a broken wrist if he’s angry enough to grab you without thinking. It’s that famous Luthor temper.”

 

            “But  _ you’re _ not like that.”

 

            With a smile, Lena picked up her wineglass laying listlessly on its side, filling it up with some of the pinot noir and draining it, before she let out a quick laugh. “But I am. See, everything he said at the trial, it wasn’t exactly  _ wrong _ . I am angry, or at least I used to be, and I was selfish and mean, a spoilt bitch, and I never  _ wanted _ to be like my family, but there were times … I got into fights, and I’d get angry, and it felt good to hurt someone. But I was more patient; my anger has always burned slower than my brother’s. He got my dad’s temper, and I got my mother’s, and if she’s ever angry at you, you’d be better off taking a quick beating and getting it over with, and I think that was the same with me. I’m  _ smart _ , and I know I’m smart, and I can be patient, and ruthless. There were girls in high school, and I didn’t like them and they didn’t like me. Every time they’d say something cruel, I’d ignore it, I wouldn’t lash out. I’d just bottle it up, saving that anger for a later time. And then I stole their boyfriends, one by one. Not that I wanted them, but it was a good revenge. It hurt more than a good slap would’ve. And that was the kind of person I was, that I was raised to be.”

 

            “But you’re not like that  _ anymore _ .”

 

            With a wan smile, Lena shrugged, “doesn’t change anything. I wasn’t a good person. I wasn’t the kind of person who would ever come  _ near _ anyone like you, and you wouldn’t have wanted me to. Because you’re _ good _ . You have so much kindness and love in your heart, and I’ve never felt that before. I wasn’t raised around that. And I know that a lot of it was just childishness, and that my childhood was fucked up and I never got the proper high school or college thing, so it was always hard for me. I was always younger than everyone, and it felt like I was playing dress up, wearing my mom’s dresses and heels. And I know that it’s not a good enough excuse, to act the way I did, and I know I was never  _ really _ like my family. Never the person they  _ wanted _ me to be. I was just- I was a mess.”

 

            “Until Ducky.”

 

            Lena blinked, a hesitant smile flitting across her face as she thought of that day. “No. No, I think I was an even bigger mess that day,  _ because _ of her. I’d never so much as held a baby, but I knew that I couldn’t give her up. I would’ve fallen apart completely if- if it wasn’t for you. And even now, sometimes it feels like the only thing stopping me from giving up completely … it’s still you.”

 

            Kara was taking a sip of wine while Lena spoke, and she slowly lowered the glass as she gave Lena an intense look over the cracked rim, making her sit frozen on the spot, her carton of peking duck all but forgotten about as her pulse leapt. Setting her broken glass down, Kara tilted her head to the side, a soft smile on her face as she gave her a knowing look, raising her eyebrows slightly. “Is that why you and me … you needed me to keep you together?”

 

            Letting out a quiet laugh, Lena ducked her head, an amused look on her face as she turned her attention to the food, plucking up a piece of chicken and popping it in her mouth. When she looked back up, Kara was still staring at her, and expectant look on her face. Swallowing quickly, Lena let out a soft sigh.

 

            “Yes,” she murmured, “just … to feel something. I think- I think I realised how lonely I’ve been, and how comforting someone else can be, and I just … I wanted that for myself. Just a little bit. And I trust you, so … I’m sorry if it feels like I used you.”

 

            Laughing, Kara gave her a bewildered look, her eyebrows pulling together slightly as she shuffled closer, reaching out to place her hand on Lena’s knee, a smile twitching on her lips. “Technically, I used you first. So if you’re okay with that, then I think that I can forgive you for the same.”

 

            Closing her eyes, Lena smiled, feeling her muscles relax slightly as some of her guilt eased up. And then they fluttered open again as Kara’s hand move ever so slightly upwards, and she turned rigid, her breathing turning shallow as she took in the spark of desire she’d picked up on a few minutes ago in Kara’s blue eyes. Pushing the carton of takeout aside, Lena scrambled forward, her hand cupping Kara’s cheek as she closed the distance between them, overcome with the sudden need to kiss her, and falling short of doing so as Kara pulled back slightly.

 

            Pausing, Lena started to pull away again, but Kara’s hand darted out to cup her face, her thumb tenderly tracing her high cheekbone as she gave her a hesitant look. “How many- it’s just- it still doesn’t have to mean anything, right? We can still … no matter how many times, there’s nothing behind it.”

 

            Quietly laughing, Lena arched an eyebrow at her, “is this about Alex? And Sam, and whoever else has started gossiping. Because I know they’ve got the wrong idea, but it’s  _ just _ that -  _ wrong _ .”

 

            “I know, but,” Kara frowned, struggling to find the words, “you  _ do _ know that I won’t leave, even if it gets awkward or weird, because you said-”

 

            “I was joking,” Lena assured her, “and as far as anyone else is concerned, it was just one night. And they never have to know.”

 

            Biting her lip, Kara looked down at her hand still gripping Lena’s thigh, and peered up at her, a curious look in her eyes as she paused. “And how many times are we …”

 

            Leaning in, Lena pressed a soft kiss to her lips, before kissing her way along her jaw, all the way to her earlobe. “As many times as you want me to.”

 

            Kissing her again, rougher this time, Lena pushed her all the way down, flat on her back, and straddled her, her dark hair tickling Kara’s cheek as she loomed over her. Smiling slightly, Kara reached up and grabbed a fistful of the borrowed plaid shirt she was wearing and pulled her down, their Chinese forgotten and the rest of the wine abandoned as they quickly set about pulling each other’s clothes off.

 

            They’d stayed on the dining room floor, their mattresses both ripped to shreds and useless, and afterwards, when their food had gone cold and night had fully fallen, they sat half-dressed, picking at the leftovers as they finished off the bottle of wine. The apartment was cold and quiet, and Lena blinked back the burning feeling of tiredness as she sat shoulder to shoulder with Kara, scooping up noodles with clumsy movements of her chopsticks. 

 

            Letting out a snort of laughter, Kara stared at her phone screen, and Lena turned to look, taking in her face washed white in the bright light. She tilted her head to the side, leaning closer to get a better look as Kara angled the phone towards her. “Look. She just  _ throws _ the milk,” Kara laughed.

 

            Rolling her eyes, Lena tried to hide a smile as she gave Kara an amused look. “What’re you, five?”

 

            “And a half,” she quipped, reaching out to pluck a dumpling from the box.

 

            Laughing, Lena shook her head, lips pressed together as the corners curled slightly in a smile, and she rested her head on Kara’s shoulder, letting it loll back so that she could stare up at her with pleading green eyes. “Give me a bite,” she murmured, opening her mouth as she waited for Kara to feed her some of the dumpling. 

 

            She saw the brief moment of hesitation on her face, and a look of almost regret as Kara shared, and Lena let out a snort of laughter, kissing her shoulder before straightening up. Climbing to her feet, she stepped over the strewn boxes and items of clothing and walked through the archway, while Kara looked after her.

 

            “What’re you doing?”

 

            “Well the beds are useless, so it looks like we’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight, and it’s fucking freezing in here.”

 

            Gathering up the rest of the food, Kara climbed to her feet and followed after her, “the sofa’s alright. I mean, I put the stuffing back inside, and taped it shut, so at least it’ll be soft.”

 

            Nodding, Lena carried on towards the laundry room, one of the only places left untouched, and rummaged through the cupboards until she came up with a few blankets. Carrying them towards the living room, she dumped them on the sofa and let out a snort of laughter as she took in the sight of Kara kneeling before the carved fireplace, neatly piling torn pages of paper in the grate with a few leftover logs to start a fire. 

 

            They bundled up beside each other on the lumpy sofa, piles of blankets covering them, and finished off the rest of the Chinese with cups of black tea in chipped mugs, the smoky warmth of the fire flickering in the grate as they dwelled in the silence. With the smashed TV’s, they didn’t have much to entertain themselves with, except their own company, and perhaps it was the little bit  _ too _ much wine they’d both consumed, but they didn’t do much talking. 

 

            By the time they fell asleep, the fire was burning low, glowing embers nestled in amongst the curled ashes of burnt paper, the room was so warm that it was almost stuffy, and Lena had her back pressed up against Kara’s chest, one arm dangling off the sofa as they lay wrapped up in the nest of blankets, breathing evenly as she felt the comforting rise and fall of the woman behind her. 

 

            The next morning, she woke early, blearily blinking in the dim light, the boarded windows only letting in the faintest hint of sunlight, and she pushed her face back down into the pillows, groaning slightly as the dead weight across her waist tightened around her. Raising her head, she turned to look down at Kara, who was still sleeping, and then pushed herself up further, pushing back the blankets and breaking Kara’s grip on her, glad that the other woman slept like the dead most of the time. Searching for her clothes in the dim room, she pulled on Kara’s shirt and tiptoed down the hallway to her room, rummaging through the piles of clothes pulled from the drawers and closet, and slipped on the first pair of pants she found. 

 

            Trying to be quiet, she made her way back to the kitchen and started to go through the cupboards. Most of the food had been left untouched, and she triumphantly started scrambling eggs in a pan, glad to be able to do  _ something _ . All of the china plates had been smashed on the hardwood floors, so she used a small plastic  _ Peppa Pig _ plate to make a stack of toast. She went back in to rouse Kara not too long later, looking away as she sat up, blankets clutched to herself, and went back into the kitchen with their mugs from the night before, leaving her to find what little clothes she could. 

 

            Making tea in the chipped mugs, Lena took their makeshift breakfast over to the table, the eggs and bacon still sitting in the frying pan, and spread it out on the table, digging in as she listened to Kara scramble around. They didn’t say much over breakfast, Lena feeling a little bit shy and Kara still half asleep, but they made plans to go shopping, in desperate need of replacing things. First things first, were mattresses and plates.

 

            After calling Sam to make sure that Laurel was okay, and vaguely explaining what had happened, Lena went to have a quick bath and get ready, and then set about calling someone to come and repair the windows in the apartment. While they waited for the workmen to show up, they carried on with their cleaning, Kara making half-hearted jokes about a late spring cleaning, and the apartment soon started to look better, if a little empty. Making trip after trip to the garbage chute at the end of the hall, they tossed bags of broken glasses and feathers, paper and other ruined items down the shaft, listening to the echoing sound of the tinkling, broken china drift towards them as it dropped down to the garbage room. The sofa and mattresses were harder, as were the matchstick chairs in the dining room, and it took the two of them a lot of effort and sweating, before they managed to get them downstairs and into the alley behind their apartment to be taken with the trash. 

 

            The window repair men arrived a few hours later, walking into the nearly bare apartment, taking in the sight of the boarded up windows, the wall bracket where a TV had recently been hanging, and the smattering of books on the shelves, but asking no questions. Kara offered the vague excuse of a robbery, but that couldn’t account for the damage done to every window in the place, or the shattered shower glass. They worked quietly in the background as Lena sorted out loads of washing, doing the laundry from their week at Sam’s, as well as neatly ironing everything that had been pulled out of their drawers and cupboards. Kara had her glasses on, sitting on a counter in the laundry room as she scrolled through furniture websites that Lena had directed her towards, making meek comments about the prices of the furniture as she showed different sofas and dining chairs to Lena.

 

            Dismissing her concerns with an air that only came from growing up around money, Lena got her approval for the ones that she liked and slipped Kara her credit card, putting in an order for next day delivery, feeling like they were somewhat on track to fixing things back up. Next came TV’s, then artwork, and while Kara made sandwiches for them and the workmen in the kitchen, Lena spent some time ordering all of her favourite books, and the ones that she knew Kara had owned. They bought photo frames, a new coffee machine - a better one, much to Kara’s delight - photo frames and a new dinner set, a range of glasses for all kinds of alcohol, and three new mattresses. It all felt a little trivial once they were finished, nothing important having been broken, and no one hurt, and Lena couldn’t help the bitter sense of satisfaction that welled up. She’d beaten him this time.

 

            “Our one plate is dirty, sorry,” Kara said, appearing in the doorway behind Lena, startling her slightly as she put the laptop back down. She gave her a half-hearted smile as she held out a sandwich.

 

            Taking it, Lena mumbled a thank you and took a bite, wrinkling her nose as she peered down at it. “What is it?”

 

            “Peanut butter and jelly. I gave the window guys the rest of the chicken.”

 

            A grave look on her face, Lena nodded, taking another dutiful bite, before setting it down and picking up the iron. “Have you called Alex yet?”

 

            “Yeah, she said her place is fine. No hidden bombs, or whatever.”

 

            Letting out a weak laugh, Lena felt relief wash over her. Her brother hadn’t taken his anger out on her friend for this, or not yet at least, and she was glad that he hadn’t wrecked Alex’s place too. “Good. Listen, I was thinking that maybe you should stay at hers for a couple of days. I can sort the rest out here by myself.”

 

            “Lena,” Kara said, giving her a stern look, “I’m not going to let you stay here by yourself. What is he comes back?”

 

            “That’s why it’d be better if you weren’t here.”

 

            “No,” she spluttered indignantly, “it’s why it’d be better if I  _ was _ . I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

 

            “The only thing that would change is that they’d hurt you too.”

 

            “Then I’ll take the risk.”

 

            Letting out a huff of frustration, Lena pressed her lips together in a thin line, forcefully ironing Kara’s uniform as she tried to stamp down the flicker of worry rising up. “Kara-”

 

            “Come on, Lena. I’m an adult, I know what I’m getting myself into.”

 

            “No. No, you don’t. Because  _ this _ ,” she gestured around vaguely, “isn’t how you grew up. And that’s  _ good _ , that’s the kind of childhood I want to give to Ducky, and you’re still young enough to be naive and think that everything’s all sunshine and rainbows, and people are good. Well they’re not, Kara. People fucking suck, and my family is fucked up, and if something happens to you because of my brother, I will  _ never _ forgive myself. So please, listen to me.”

 

            Pausing for a moment, Kara stared at her shirt spread across the ironing board, a frown on her face as she gently bit her bottom lip. With a small sigh, she seemed to deflate slightly, giving Lena an apologetic look. “I get it, I know why you want to protect me, and why you feel like I need to be protected, but I don’t! Maybe you’re right, and we’re young and I like to think the best of people, maybe my view of the world is all rosy, but that’s not a bad thing! I can handle bad things, Lena. I don’t need protecting. And I don’t need you to tell me what I can and can’t do. You’re not  _ my _ mom. So I’m not asking you for permission; I’m staying.”

 

            Making a disapproving sound at the back of her throat, Lena set the iron down and picked up her half-eaten sandwich, brushing past Kara as she made for the door. “If I’m not your mom then you can iron your own uniform then.”

 

            “Don’t-” Kara quietly exclaimed, her hand darting out to encircle Lena’s arm, forcing her to a stop. Relaxing her grip, Kara gave her a conflicted look. “Don’t be like that. I know-”

 

            “I have to go and pick Laurel up. Sam has to take Ruby to soccer practice soon.”

 

            They dropped the conversation after that, and Lena slipped on a coat, leaving Kara behind with the repair men. She caught a bus out of the city, following the familiar route to Sam’s place, and found her daughter enjoying some strawberries as she clutched a Barbie doll in one hand. Assuring her that she’d been an angel, Sam made Lena a cup of coffee, both of them talking in hushed tones as Ruby finished off her homework at the kitchen table, while Lena explained what that apartment had been like. Offering to take Laurel for a few more nights, Sam gave her a pitying look, and Lena ran a hand through her hair, trying to dissuade her, although she knew that she couldn’t bring her daughter back to the apartment. She didn’t want  _ Kara _ to be there, let alone her daughter that her family had plotted to take from her to manipulate her with. 

 

            Finally giving in, Lena wearily thanked her, helping her gather up the things that she’d need for the rest of the day and zipping Laurel’s coat up for her. It was cold outside, and they had a long bus ride back, and Lena hoped that it would pass by quickly, already feeling bad about being so short with Kara. Her constant worry was getting the better of her, and she couldn’t deny that perhaps a part of her was trying to put some distance between them after the night before. She didn’t  _ need _ Kara around all the time, and just because they’d slept together a few times, it didn’t mean that they had to do everything together. But Kara had a right to choose for herself, and it was her home too.

 

            She stopped off at a florist on the way home, holding a bouquet of sunflowers in one hand and Laurel’s hand in the other, the baby bag bouncing against her hip as they walked the rest of the way home, going slowly so that her daughter could splash in the puddles that hadn’t dried up from a couple of days ago. Splattered with water and mud, damp leaves clinging to their shoes, they made their way back up to their apartment, and Lena hung back as she watched Laurel tear across the room and throw her arms around Kara’s legs. When Kara looked up at her, Lena shifted slightly, giving her an apologetic look as she held out the flowers, taking a slow step forward.

 

            “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be condescending. I know you’re old enough to make your own decisions, and you’ve been through your own shit too. I just- I care about you, and that … that’s a rare thing for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

 

            Taking the flowers, Kara’s expression softened as she looked down at the bright yellow petals ringing the dark centres of the sunflowers. “I care about you too, you know. And I want to help you, but you have to  _ let _ me help first. Just … don’t give up yet. He won’t have this hold on you forever.”

 

            “I’m sorry. I’m just so tired, and my heart is so heavy. I’m sick of worrying all the time,” Lena murmured, her eyes stinging as tears welled up. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I just know that I want you to stay. I know you don’t need my permission, but stay.”


	14. Chapter 14

            A few days passed by without incident. Despite Lena’s objections, there were no break-ins, no surprise attacks, no threats or anything of the like. Their furniture was delivered, they reorganised the rooms to their liking, made the beds anew and tidied up the kitchen cupboards, and life moved on. Kara was barely home anyway, working odd hours and overtime with James, and Lena spent most of her time filling out paperwork for her approaching training with the DEO, and planning the rest of Laurel’s birthday party. 

 

            On Saturday, the day before the intended party, she spent the entire morning cleaning the house, keeping her daughter occupied with Lego and cartoons while she vacuumed and scrubbed, did the laundry and finished the last of her work forms. Kara had been working the night shift, and was home a little before lunch, letting Lena fix her a sandwich before she tumbled into bed. She woke at dinner time, scrambling to shower and shovelling down mouthfuls of the casserole Lena had made, telling her about the date she had with a woman called Leslie. Pulling up photos on her phone, Kara let Lena see the woman with bleached hair and a startling amount of leather, ignoring the raised eyebrows from Lena as she took in the sight of the woman and compared it to Kara’s penchant for plaid shirts, pastel skirts and cardigans. 

 

            Lena lent Kara her cherished Saint Laurent leather jacket, spritzed her with Chanel No. 5 and ushered her out of the apartment at seven o’clock, feeling somewhat relieved that Kara was going on a date. It made things between them seem more detached, more casual, and she was content to sit by the fire, neatly wrapping birthday presents with bows and ribbon while Laurel was tucked up in bed. 

 

            Moving onto the task of decorating the apartment, Lena moved into the open living area and got started on the balloons, patiently blowing them up one by one as she tied lengths of string to the ends of them and let them float up to the ceiling. The sound of a key in the lock made her pause, head cocked to the side as she listened to it turn and the door was opened, and she looked towards the door with bewilderment.

 

            “You’re home!” Lena quietly exclaimed, surprise flitting across her face as Kara quietly let herself into the apartment, gingerly shutting the door so as not to accidentally wake Laurel up. Glancing over at the clock on the wall, Lena’s eyebrows rose slightly. “Early. It wasn’t good?”

 

            A laugh bubbled up and fell from Kara’s lips as she wrinkled her nose, shaking her head as she shed the borrowed leather jacket and slung it over the back of the chair. “No. She took me to a rock show at this really gross bar, and  _ then _ found another girl and ignored me. I don’t even think she saw me leave.”

 

            Grimacing, Lena gave her a sympathetic look as Kara walked over to her, sighing as she folded her lanky legs beneath herself and sat across from Lena. They were silent for a few moments as Kara watched Lena blow balloons up with the tank of helium, tying the ends into careful knots and then attaching a length of string to the end, before letting it float up to join the others grazing against the ceiling. She was halfway through trying to tie another one when Kara finally spoke.

 

            “Do you want to have sex?”

 

            Clumsy fingers slipping, Lena let go of the balloon, which was propelled around the room as all of the helium fled out of the untied end, and she let out a spluttering laugh, eyes widening as she gave her friend an amused look.

 

            “Are you drunk?”

 

            Earnestly shaking her head, Kara gave her a solemn look, “no, I only had one gin and tonic.”

 

            Picking up another balloon, Lena slipped the end of it over the nozzle and started inflating it, an amused smile curling her lips as she glanced up at Kara. “Yeah, but we only do this when we’ve been drinking.”

 

            “Yeah, but why?”

 

            Letting out a snort of laughter, Lena shrugged, rubbing the back of her neck as she looked down at her lap. “I don’t know, so we can pretend that nothing happened? I mean, it’s a good excuse right? We were so drunk, we didn’t mean to, it just happened and now we’re sober so we don’t have to talk about it.”

 

            Scoffing, Kara brushed aside the words, “but that’s silly.”

 

            “We’re young, Kara. We’re  _ supposed _ to be silly. Sometimes we’re  _ too _ serious.”

 

            Stealing the balloon off her before she could tie it up, Kara breathed in a lungful of helium. “Okay, we should be more silly, but let’s be serious about this, hm?”

 

            Lena burst out laughing at the high pitch of her voice, trying to muffle the sound as she covered her mouth with her hand. Pressing her lips together she bit back a smile, even as the corners twitched in betrayal, giving Kara a stern look. Stealing the balloon back, Lena paused for a moment, before sucking in the rest of the helium and letting out a squeaky laugh, which just made her laugh harder, while Kara joined in. By the time the gas ran out a few moments later, her stomach was aching, and the laughter was fading. As she held the limp balloon in her hand, Lena gave Kara a small smile, slumping slightly as she sighed.

 

            “Sorry,” she quietly apologised, “I just- there’s so much I have to get ready for tomorrow. I’ve got a pike of balloons to finish and I haven’t even iced the cake yet and I don’t even know if it’s edible, to be honest.”

 

            “Let me help,” Kara volunteered, insisting when Lena tried to object.

 

            It wasn’t late yet, so Lena poured them both a decent amount of whisky into matching tumblers, the amber liquid burning as she took a sip, leaving Kara sitting amidst a pile of colourful balloons. She had blow-up dinosaurs and plants to decorate the room, green streamers and birthday banners, and a massive pile of presents to neatly arrange on the sofa in the open living space. Kara blew up the balloons, while Lena took bunches and tied them to the curtain rails, pinned them to the crown molding near the ceiling and around archways. She left Kara to finish off and walked over to the cakes waiting on the kitchen counter. It was chocolate, and Lena hesitantly poked at it as she brooded.

 

            Mixing cream cheese and icing sugar with red food colouring, she slathered the pink frosting on top of one of the cakes and then set the second one on top, before she started rolling out the emerald green fondant she’d bought at the store. By the time Kara had finished, Lena had roughly cut the cake into something that could potentially have resembled a dinosaur, and she was neatly draping the thin layer of fondant over the top of it.

 

            “Well, I have to say, it looks like Jurassic Park threw up in here,” Kara proudly said, admiring their handiwork with her hands on her hips as she finished taping the last of the cardboard trees to the walls. 

 

            Snorting, Lena smiled as she shook her head, before her brow wrinkled with concern. “Yeah, well, at least Ducky will be too distracted by the decorations to notice the shitty cake.”

 

            Laughing, Kara walked over to the kitchen and hauled herself up onto the counter next to Lena as she stared down at the cake, tilting her head to one side. “That doesn’t look too bad,” she encouragingly commented, “um, what kind of dinosaur was it supposed to be?”

 

            Cocking her head to the side, Lena pursed her lips together in a brooding look, “I don’t know, a T-Rex?”

 

            “Yeah, that’s exactly what I would’ve guessed!”

 

            “Fuck off,” Lena snorted, giving her a gentle shrug as she smiled down at the oddly shaped cake. “I should’ve bought one, or got Sam to make it. She’s good at all that maternal, homemaking shit.”

 

            “No,” Kara objected, giving her an amused look, “Ducky will love it because  _ you _ made it for her, and besides, kids will eat anything that has sugar in it. It’ll be a hit. Just … I don’t know, add some googly eyes or something.”

 

            Shaking with laughter, Lena handed the bowl of leftover frosting over to Kara, who happily started to eat the rest of it off the wooden spoon, while Lena started rolling out other coloured fondants to finish off the cake. “You know, this was a lot easier in high school when I just used to switch my cooking disasters with other people’s in home ec. There was this one girl who acted like it was an episode of Great British Bake-Off so I used to steal hers all the time.” Letting out a quick laugh, Lena shook her head. “Everyone  _ knew _ they weren’t mine, even the teachers, but they were too scared to do something about it. You know, in case the teacher was found shoved in her car trunk, or whatever they thought my father would do to them. I guess I should’ve paid attention so I could at least bake a cake properly.”

 

            “Well the icing is delicious,” Kara optimistically supplied.

 

            “You’re as bad as a kid when it comes to sugar,” she dryly replied, glancing up at Kara and letting out a quick laugh, “you’ve got it  _ all _ on your nose.”

 

            Smiling, Kara wiped it off and shrugged, continuing to scrape the rest of it out of the bowl, while Lena added a row of purple spikes along the dinosaur’s back and gave it a face. Setting the bowl back down on the counter, Kara hopped off and peered over Lena’s shoulder, her warmth pressing against her shoulder and her breath fanning across Lena’s cheek as she spoke, making goosebumps ripple across her skin.

 

            “Looks good,” Kara commented, a smile on her face as Lena turned slightly to look at her. She smelled like cigarette smoke and beer, and Lena quickly turned to look back at the cake. “I’m going to go and shower,” Kara said, pausing for a moment as she chewed on her bottom lip, deliberating for a moment before continuing, her voice low. “If you change your mind …”

 

            She’d already stepped away and rounded the counters, her back to Lena as she walked off down the hallway leading to her room and the bathroom, before Lena could even react. She watched her go though, her pulse spiking sharply at her words. Turning her attention back to the cake, Lena cut out a few other shapes - sharp yellow teeth, a pink stomach, tiny little nails for the claws - and stuck them on as she listened to the sound of the water sputtering to life in the bathroom. After a few more additions she stepped back and admired her work, a feeling of self-satisfaction filling her at the effort she’d put into it. It would’ve been easy to buy a professional cake, the cost a paltry thing to Lena, but to bake it with her own hands, and clumsily decorate it, was harder, and she’d wanted to do something herself, put her love into it, for her daughter. It wouldn’t matter to Laurel, but it did to Lena. She didn’t want to buy her daughter things and pass it off as love, because that wasn’t the same as actually putting in the effort to show her that she was loved, and she felt a glimmer of pride as she carefully set the cake in the fridge.

 

            Her whisky was still nearly full where it sat on the edge of the counter, and she walked over to the glass, picking it up and nursing it as she looked around at the forest of greens and browns, ready for the small party tomorrow. There was nothing left to do now, and she listened to the sound of running water as she absentmindedly swirled her drink around, turning over the idea in her mind. It wasn’t that she didn’t  _ want _ to sleep with Kara, it was just that sleeping with her sober was something entirely different to their drunken trysts, it wasn’t as easily excusable as a mistake, especially not after it had already happened multiple times. But Kara was right, they could be adults about it. It didn’t have to be any different to all the other times. Slowly raising the glass to her lips, a pensive look on her face, she tipped it back, draining the liquor in one gulp, before setting it back down on the counter.

 

            Picking her way across the open space, she slipped into the mouth of the hallway and walked towards the bathroom, her shoulders set and her chin held high, confident in her decision as she opened the door and stepped into the steamy bathroom. The tiles were beaded with water from the heat, but the floor was cold beneath Lena’s bare feet as she shut the heavy door behind her and padded further into the room. Kara was a blur behind the frosted shower glass, and Lena hesitated for a moment, before she fumbled with the buttons of the shirt she was wearing, dropping it to the floor and shedding the rest of her clothes. 

 

            Pulling open the door, she paused as Kara turned around, blonde hair piled up on top of her head, damp locks curling where they stuck to her wet skin, skin flushed pink from the heat that washed over Lena as she lingered outside. A slow smile curled Kara’s lips as the hot water splashed against her back, and she arched an eyebrow as Lena stood there, forgetting herself for a moment, before she stepped inside, the glass door quietly banging as it shut behind her. A spray of hot water washed over her as she stepped underneath the shower head, pushing Kara back against the tiles and pinning her in place as she kissed her. 

 

            Mildly surprised, Kara kissed her back, and Lena felt her smile into it as her dark hair was plastered to her skin, water running down her in rivulets as she cupped Kara’s face in her hands. The smell of coconut from the soap suds clinging to Kara’s skin enveloped them in a sweet cloud as they stood beneath the stream of water, the bathroom steaming around them as Lena’s hands ran over Kara’s slick skin. It was so hot that she felt sweat prickle her skin, even as it was washed away by fresh water, and she could taste the whisky and the sweetness of the icing sugar of Kara’s lips as she pushed back against her. 

 

            In hindsight, it was no different to how things had been the last few times, except afterwards, she slipped on a silk bathrobe, the thin fabric clinging to her damp skin and her tangled hair curling around her shoulders, and made her way out onto the balcony. Usually she’d fallen asleep beside Kara afterwards, the lateness of the night tugging at her tired mind while she lay spent beside her friend, but she was wide awake, her mind clear from the haze of alcohol, feeling  _ just _ pleasantly warm from the whisky and the hot shower. The air was cold outside, the cloying smell of autumn lacing the wind as it ruffled her hair and made the silk robe ripple in the breeze. The balcony was crowded with a wooden bench and a cluttered mess of various plant species from Kara’s attempt to brighten the place up, some of them still clinging to the green floweriness of summer, but most were wilting, leaves and petals browning and curling on the damp soil and adding to the earthy smell of the fresh air.

 

            Leaning against the brick wall enclosing the balcony, Lena breathed in the fresh air, letting it cool her clammy skin as she let her mind wander. She could hear the quiet noise of Kara pottering around in the kitchen, the yellow glow of lights illuminating the darkness for her as she stared out at the city. The smell smell of Thai food from the restaurant across the street wafted up to her, and she listened to the sound of cars passing by, neon lights reflecting off the wet sheen of the road from the rain earlier on in the day. It was a quiet night in their area of the city, with most late-goers confined to a few blocks away, where the streets were lined with clubs, bars and pubs. The stillness of the night helped clear her mind, to banish her concerns that she’d made a mistake again, that her and Kara were playing a dangerous game, and it was going to blow up in their faces.

 

            At the sound of the door opening behind her, she glanced back over her shoulder and gave Kara a small smile, before looking back out at the city. Stepping up beside her, Kara handed her a mug - tea, although Lena silently hoped for something stronger so that she could revert back to their childish game of blaming it on the alcohol - and she murmured her thanks as she wrapped her hands around the steaming mug, breathing in the fragrant smell of mint as she stared back out at the city, lights piercing the blackness of the night as they stood in companionable silence. 

 

            Out of the corner of her eye, Lena saw Kara turn towards her, one side of her face bathed in yellow light from their apartment, while the other half was hidden in shadow. Her damp hair was messily tied up in a bun and she was wearing an old sweatshirt, the one that Lena loved to steal when she got cold, and Lena reluctantly met her gaze, trying to keep a sheepish look off her face.

 

            “So, um, I was thinking that we should talk …”

           

            “Talk?” Lena feigned ignorance, shifting uncomfortably as she took a sip of tea to busy herself.

 

            Giving her an exasperated look, Kara leant against the wall, seemingly unbothered by the tension emanating from Lena. Despite her best efforts to remain aloof, her shoulders were tense as she stayed resting against the wall, grateful for the darkness plunging her rosy cheeks into shadow. 

 

            Tutting, Kara turned to face out to the city as well, gently bumping Lena with her shoulder in a reassuring gesture. “Don’t worry,” she wryly replied, “it’s nothing serious. I just … want to make sure exactly  _ that.” _

 

            “Yeah, of course, it’s nothing serious,” Lena brusquely replied, “just fun. Think nothing of it. Same as always.”

 

            Letting out a quiet crow of laughter, Kara gave her an incredulous look, eyes sparkling with unbridled humour. “Are you  _ embarrassed _ , Lena Luthor? I wasn’t sure you had it in you to let anyone make you feel shy.”

 

            Scoffing, Lena felt her cheeks flood with warmth, blushing furiously in the dark, and she rolled her eyes as she took another sip of tea. “No,” she hedged defensively, hunching her shoulders as she scowled at the night, “of course I’m not- I just- I didn’t want you to think that it was any different this time. Because it’s  _ not _ .”

 

            “I know,” Kara placated her, “that’s why I was thinking that maybe we should lay down some ground rules. You know, so that we don’t overstep.”

 

            “Ground rules?” Lena snorted.

 

            “Yeah, because if we’re going to keep doing …  _ this _ , then we should know where we stand. Like we should just keep it to ourselves. Because I know that everyone knows about that one time now, but I don’t want them poking around in what’s just between me and you, you know? So it’s our little secret.”

 

            “Of course.”

 

            “And we can both date, and just … carry on as we are until it becomes serious. And when one of us decides that we end it, then we just end it and that’s that. No fuss. Nothing changes.”

 

            “Right, nothing changes. Because I have Ducky to think about too, and I mean, well she’s called you mom before, and she doesn’t know what it’s like to live without you, and I don’t want to mess things up for her. She needs stability, so if this gets … messy, then we stop it before everything falls to shit.”

 

            “Exactly.”

 

            “Also we shouldn’t stay in each other’s beds afterwards,” Lena added, “and I’m not about all that cuddling and stuff afterwards. It’s just sex.”

 

            Giving her an amused look, Kara shrugged, “just sex. Easy. People do this all the time. Friends with benefits, right?”

 

            Laughing, Lena arched an eyebrow, giving her a sardonic look as she sipped at her tea, “yeah I don’t think that usually entails a roommate who’s helping you raise your child. That’s usually called something else.”

 

            “Oh yeah?”

 

            “Yeah,  _ dating _ .”

 

            Shaking her head, Kara gave her a shrewd look, eyes glimmering with humour, “yeah but you’re forgetting an important part there.”

 

            “And what’s that?” Lena asked, propping her chin up in her hand as she cocked her head to the side, an expectant look on her face.

 

_             “I’m _ not in love with you.”

 

            Kara said it so matter-of-factly that Lena couldn’t help but laugh, her eyes crinkling at the corners as she took in the serious look on her friend’s face. Pressing a hand to her chest, Lena playfully winced, her lips curled up into a mocking smile. “Ouch. You wound me.”

 

            “Just trying to make sure your head doesn’t get too big,” Kara joked, rolling her eyes, “you already have enough people throwing themselves at your feet.”

 

            Choking on a laugh, Lena gave her an amused look, “not so much anymore. The whole single teen mom thing doesn’t really do it for most people.”

 

            Soothingly rubbing her arm, Kara gave her an understanding smile, and Lena hugged the thin robe to herself as a gust of wind ruffled her hair. Silently, she patted Kara’s hand and carried her cup of tea inside, her roommate trailing in after her, shutting out the cold and the wind. Feet dragging Lena drained the rest of her tea and dumped her cup in the sink, stifling a yawn as she rubbed at her tired eyes. She’d been rushed off her feet all day, and it was going to be a long day tomorrow too, and her last free day before she upheld her end of the deal she made with Hank Henshaw. Her first day of training started on Monday.

 

            They were quiet after that, tidying up as they got ready for bed. Murmuring goodnight, Lena gave Kara a soft smile, watching as her roommate lingered near the light switch, waiting for Lena to disappear down the opposite hallway to her own room, so that she wouldn’t have to make her way through the dark.

 

            Quickly checking on Laurel, poking her head into the dimly lit room to the sight of dark curls splayed across a pillow and the huddled lump of her sleeping daughter. Tiptoeing over to the bed, Lena unfolded a blanket and draped it over her, leaning down to place a featherlight kiss against her forehead. Leaving her to sleep, she quietly padded back out of the room, quickly crossing the dark hallway and into the safety of her own room. Shedding the silk robe, she pulled on a pair of warm pyjamas a climbed into bed, keeping the lamp on as she burrowed down under the heavy quilt, her body sinking into the soft mattress. Sleep came quicker than she expected it, her body feeling leaden and darkness creeping in on her mind as she thought about her conversation with Kara. She almost imagined that she could still feel the ghost of Kara’s lips against her own as she hugged her cool pillow, a poor substitute for the warmth of her friend pressed up against her like those few nights they’d spent together before. 

 

            Still, she slept soundly, the comforting glow of the lamp keeping the blackness of night at bay, and woke to a bright whiteness in her room as the grey sky lightened outside the window. Groaning as she kicked back the blankets, she rolled out of bed, stretching muscles that ached in a good way, and ran a hand through her dishevelled hair. It looked to be a cloudy day, the sky overcast and the streets wet from an early morning shower, and Lena slipped the silk robe back on over her pyjamas, creeping out of her room and heading towards the kitchen. 

 

            Without delay, Lena brewed a pot of coffee and got started on prepping food for the party, pulling out boxes and packets of food that she’d picked up at the store. With painstaking effort, she set about making finger sandwiches, cupcakes, cookies and fruit salad, tiny cocktail sausages and a platter of cured meats and cheeses, crackers and dips. By the time she’d fully stocked the fridge with a ridiculous amount of plates, considering the small gathering of people invited, Kara had stumbled out of bed, yawning widely as she made an unintelligible sound that Lena took for a greeting, helped herself to some of the coffee, hopped up on the counters and tried to steal a miniature quiche, before Lena whisked the plate away with a reproachful look. She was rewarded with some offcuts of cheese and a few slices of salami, before she started making waffles.

 

            Lena went to shower and came out to a neat stack waiting for her on the table, with Kara already digging into her own pile. It was nearing eight o’clock when Laurel padded out of the hallway, rubbing her tired eyes as she frowned, stumbling towards Lena, who pushed her chair back and gave her a loving smile.

 

            “It’s a dinosaur,” Laurel exclaimed, pausing as she pointed towards the decorations. “Mom, look!”

 

            A warm feeling spreading throughout her, Lena’s face softened as she obediently looked, taking in the decorations and feeling a smug swell of pride at the look of joy on her daughter’s face, her eyes lit up as she looked at them with awe.

 

            “Is that the birthday girl I hear?” Kara exclaimed, and Laurel’s face brightened up as she gave her a wide grin, suddenly wide awake as she walked over to Lena and hugged her legs, resting her head in her lap.

 

            Quietly laughing, Lena smoothed down her wild curls, smiling as she cocked her head to the side, “good morning, birthday girl. Do you want to sit in mommy’s lap?”

 

            Nodding, Laurel clambered up, and Lena held her securely, looking down at her with a tender look in her eyes as her daughter slowly shook off the last vestiges of sleep. Kara gently coaxed her awake with sugary mouthfuls of waffles and her excited babbling of presents, and ten minutes later, they were sitting in front of the cold grate in the living room, watching as Laurel tore open the colourful wrapping paper to expose the gifts inside.

 

            “Wow, mom! It’s a car!”

 

            “A  _ car?” _ Lena gasped, stretched out on the floor as she was handed the box to open, freeing the toy car from the plastic and handing it over to her daughter, laughing as she watched her drive it over the rug. “You’ve still got all the rest to open,” Lena reminded her.

 

            She nudged another box closer, a soft smile curling her lip as she watched Laurel’s eyes light up, her attention grabbed by the new present placed in front of her, and Lena’s smile grew as she watched the gift wrap torn to reveal the doll inside.

 

            “A princess!”

 

            Gasping, Kara shifted closer, her phone in hand as she snapped photos and recorded videos, and she gave her a surprised look, “you got a  _ princess? _ How lucky are you?”

 

            On and on it went, through the whole pile, while Lena shoved handfuls of torn wrapping paper and discarded bows into a trash bag, flattening boxes as she watched her daughter’s face light up as she opened each gift. There was a mounting collection of toys, books and dress-up costumes, and an excitable three-year-old as she tore open the paper on the large box that Kara had magicked into existence, and even Lena found her curiosity piqued as she leant in for a better look. Kara had refused to tell her what it was, a childish look of excitement in her eyes as Lena badgered her about it, and she was biting back a smile as she watched the toddler pull the last of the paper off to reveal the image of a first-aid kit on the box.

 

            With a snort of laughter, Lena looked up at Kara with amusement, “trying to turn her into a mini version of you, eh?”

 

            Glowing with satisfaction as she opened the box for the amazed child, Kara gave Lena a pleased smile. “Well you know how many times we’ve caught her in  _ my _ bag. I thought she might like her own.”

 

            As she spoke, she worked the box open to reveal the little kit, and quickly started popping out the items from the plastic casing. There was a fake syringe and stethoscope, thermometer and bandages, and other plastic versions of medical equipment, and Laurel was completely enamoured with it all, holding them all up for Lena to see. She met Kara’s eyes over the top of her excited daughter’s head and mouthed a thank you, before urging her daughter to give her Aunt Kara a kiss.

 

            After tidying everything away, Lena had to coax Laurel into the bath, along with the addition of three new dolls and two  _ My Little Pony _ figurines, before getting her dressed and leaving her to play with her new toys in the living room with Kara. Listening to the sounds of their muffled conversation, she smiled as she finished off the rest of the prep for the party, before rejoining them, much to Lena’s amusement as she took in the sight of Kara stretched out on the sofa, a lopsided bandage nearly blinding her as she stoically handed herself over to the care of the little girl pressing the stethoscope against her chest and trying to get her to poke her tongue out. Muffling a snort of laughter, Lena retired to the deep armchair and switched the TV on, sneaking photos of Kara as she let Laurel doctor her. Kara gave her an exasperated look as she slid the bandage up slightly, earning herself a scolding off her stern doctor, humouring Lena as she smiled for a quick photo.

 

            They were still at it when Alex showed up with Winn, the latter bearing a pie, much to Lena’s relief, in case the cake didn’t go down well, and they were soon admitted as patients to the hospital ward taking shape in the living room. They had colourfully wrapped gifts, and Alex had a balloon with a three on it, and Laurel excitedly opened their presents, loudly exclaiming as she took in the action figures and the  _ Play-Doh _ . Sam arrived with Ruby not too long afterwards, and James wasn’t too far behind, vaguely explaining Lucy’s absence as he joined the party. 

 

            Changing Laurel into a small, green T-Rex costume, purely for Lena’s own amusement as she watched her daughter toddle around in the outfit, a row of floppy spikes running down her spine as the stuffed tail bumped into chairs and legs, they all made their way into the living room, where Lena had spread all the food out. Music played in the background, courtesy of Ruby, and more presents were opened as everyone fawned over the little girl. 

 

            They’d just finished a chorus of happy birthday with the wonky cake Lena had baked, patiently waiting for Laurel to blow out the candles and clapping when she managed it on the fourth try, and were all reassuring Lena that it tasted great, when there was a knock on the door. Picking her way across the living room, ducking balloons and stepping over new toys, she peeked through the peephole and quickly opened the door at the sight of her new boss on the other side.

 

            “Director Henshaw,” she politely greeted him.

 

            “Miss Luthor. I thought I’d come and pick up your paperwork for tomorrow and talk you through- is now a bad time?”

 

            There was a chorus of laughter and loud chatter spilling out of the living room, and Lena glanced back over her shoulder, before turning back to face him, giving him a small smile. “It’s my daughter’s birthday party. I, uh, I have the paperwork all ready, I can get it for you now.”

 

            Before she could turn away to go and get them from her room, Kara appeared behind her, resting her hand against Lena’s back as she held out a slice of cake for her. Her eyes lit up with recognition at the sight of the man lingering in the doorway. “Oh! Mr Henshaw, what a surprise,” Kara smiled at him as she neared the door to see who it was, “would you like to come in? We’re having T-Rex birthday cake.”

 

            An amused look on his face, he hesitated for a moment, his dark eyes darting over to Lena, and she stepped aside slightly, opening the door further in invitation. Looking back over at Kara, he gave her a friendly smile as he met her hopeful expression, nodding as he unbuttoned his suit jacket. “Well, I, uh, that’s very kind of you. Thank you.”

 

            Giving him a sunny smile, Kara disappeared to go and cut a slice for him, and Lena stepped aside to let him in, closing the door behind him and walking further into her home, Lena led him into the dining room, where her friends were all seated around the table, picking at the spread of foods, sipping at iced tea and eating slices of cake. Everyone looked at the newcomer with interest, and Lena made quick introductions, while Laurel ran over to her, hiding behind her legs as she peered out of the mouth of her costume, looking up at Hank with wide brown eyes.

 

            Holding a slice of cake, the Director stared down at the little girl with a serious look on his face, before dropping to a knee and giving her a gentle smile. “And you must be the birthday girl?”

 

            Shyly nodding, Laurel buried her face in Lena’s leg, while her mom quietly laughed and patted her head, “this is Laurel.”

 

            “And how old are you?”

 

            “Three,” came the mumbled reply.

 

            “Well happy birthday.”

 

            Climbing back to his feet, he gave Lena a smile and ate a small bite of cake. Drawing him out into the kitchen, excusing them both, she went and fetched the papers and sat down at the kitchen table, watching as Hank let his gaze wander over the decorations with a mirthful look in his eyes. When his brown eyes met her own, Lena gave him a smile, pushing the paperwork nearer to him. He patiently flipped through it all, making sure she’d filled it all out properly, and seeming satisfied with it, he set it aside and continued to eat his cake.

 

            “I know it must feel strange to you, especially given the circumstances, but we’re excited to work with you at the DEO. I think you have a lot to offer us.”

 

            “Thank you, sir. I’m grateful for the opportunity.”

 

            He nodded and they fell back into a silence for a few moments as he finished off the cake, before climbing to his feet and buttoning up his suit jacket again. Reaching down, he shuffled her paperwork and held it under one arm, fixing her with a cordial look. “I should be going. I’ll see you tomorrow. Pack a bag.”

 

            Spluttering, Lena hurriedly rounded the table as she scrambled to keep up with him, her face crumpling with confusion. “A bag? Sir, I have a daughter. I can’t just leave-”

 

            Turning to give her a quick smile, his eyes sparkling as he raised his eyebrows, he brushed aside her concerns. “Most of your training will be here in National City. And when it’s not, it’ll be a few days at the most, with plenty of advance warning so you can sort out childcare and the like. Tomorrow might be longer than anticipated though, depending on how forthright you are, and you might need certain comforts if it runs late. No need to worry, Miss Luthor.”

 

            She twisted the hem of her shirt in her hands as she gave him a terse nod, an anxious feeling creeping up on her as she wondered what was going to happen tomorrow. Walking him to the door, she opened it and watched him step out, giving him a wary look at his back as she wondered, not for the first time, if she’d made a good decision to put her trust in him. It was because of him that she still had her daughter safely away from her brother, but she wasn’t sure if that had been a tactical move on his behalf, or if he genuinely cared. Either way, she was in too deep to back out now, and tomorrow she’d be waiting outside at six-thirty for the car they were sending to fetch her. 

 

            “Please make my excuses for me,” Hank interrupted her thoughts, his stern expression softening into a smile, “and thank you for the cake. I’ll see you tomorrow, Miss Luthor.”


	15. Chapter 15

            Waking up early the next morning, feeling a little nervous, even if she wouldn’t admit it, Lena quickly got herself ready, rushing around the apartment in a frenzy. Kara had an early shift too, which meant that Laurel was awake to be taken to Winn’s, and the apartment was chaotic as they rushed around, full of noise as Kara shouted from one end, getting dressed while she watched Laurel in the bath, to Lena, who was trying to sort out breakfast and pack a bag for her daughter. She was looking frazzled, in a presentable pantsuit, a pressed white shirt beneath, unsure of how formal the DEO was, quickly buttering some toast as eggs sizzled in the pan. With no time to spare for her own breakfast, she dished up Kara’s and jammed a piece of toast in her mouth, before walking towards the bathroom.

 

            Trading off with Kara, who was still blinking back sleep, shirt untucked, mismatching socks on her feet, Lena informed her about her breakfast, and grabbed a towel. Scooping her daughter out of the tub, she quickly dried Laurel off, careful to be gentle even as she rushed, and gave her a loving smile as she helped her dress. And then a tantrum ensued as Laurel wanted to wear one of her princess costumes, while Lena calmly tried to coax her into the clothes already spread out. Five minutes later, after a stern telling off, more tears, and an impatient Lena trying to urge her daughter to put her pants on, Kara appeared in the doorway with the costume, and traded off with an irritated Lena. 

 

            Ten minutes before she was scheduled to be picked up, things were finally in order. All three of them were dressed, she had snacks packed for Laurel, and a lunch made up for Kara, and she was too anxious to even care about the state of the apartment. With an overnight bag packed, she slipped on a pair of low heels, checked her makeup in the mirror and squared her shoulders. She had no idea what she was going to be put through today, but she’d push through it, even if only for the sake of her daughter. Turning around, her expression softened at the sight of Laurel in the purple tulle and silk costume, happily eating the toast that Lena had made for her, and she walked over to the table, smoothing down the ever-messy curls and dropping a kiss onto her daughter’s head.

 

            “Okay, mommy has to go to work now. Be good for Uncle Winn, okay?”

 

            “No,” Laurel protested, dropping her toast back onto the plate as she slid off the chair, wrapping her arms around Lena’s legs as she looked up at her, brown eyes pleading as she hugged her, “no, mommy. I go too.”

 

            Quietly laughing, Lena sank into a crouch, reaching out to cup her daughter’s chin in her hand as she gave her a small smile. “You can’t come to work with me, baby, but I won’t be gone long, okay? And you get to go to Uncle Winn’s and play with his action figures. How fun is that? And mommy’s going to get you a present too, if you’re a good girl. Okay, Little Duck?”

 

            Pulling away from Lena, she ran off, bare feet slapping against the hardwood floors, and Lena sighed, her shoulders sagging as she ran a hand over her weary face. Kara silently stacked dirty plates in the dishwasher, giving Lena a sympathetic look when their eyes met, before the footsteps were returning and Laurel held out the tiny figure clutched in her hand.

 

            “For you, mommy,” her daughter proclaimed, opening her tiny fist to reveal the Lego figure in her palm. It was Princess Leia, from the Star Wars set Winn had bought her for her birthday yesterday, and Lena smiled as she reached out to take it, holding it tightly in her hand as a soft smile curled her lips. 

 

            Gathering her daughter up in a hug, Lena gave her a gentle squeeze and stroked her hair, “thanks, sweetheart. I love you, okay? I’ll be home later. Now, are you going to give me a kiss goodbye?”

 

            Without further objection, Laurel obliging kissed her, giving her another hug, before Lena had to leave. With Kara’s assurances that it would be fine, and her well wishes, Lena slipped on her coat, picked up her bag, and stepped out of the apartment. The door firmly closed behind her and she purposefully strode towards the elevators, making her way down to the foyer and out into the cold. It was a wet day, the sidewalks shining from fresh rain, and she breathed in the damp air as she lingered on the sidewalk, waiting for the car to come and fetch her. It was early, but the sun was already painting the sky a soft lavender, steely clouds trailing over the city and promising more rain, and she hugged her coat to herself, one hand buried in her pocket as she held onto the Lego figurine.

 

            The smell of coffee and freshly baked bread drifted from the few shops getting ready to open, and Lena stifled a yawn as she patiently waited, glancing down at her watch to check the time. They should be there any minute now, and she felt her stomach twist uncomfortably. She was so used to doing whatever she wanted to, with no consequences and no concern for other people’s opinions, but the thought of working for a government agency, following orders and taking on some responsibility, other than motherhood. Lena was used to keeping her own hours, spending every day with Laurel, doing whatever she pleased, and the thought of a scheduled work week made her as worried as the actual work. Things were about to change very quickly.

 

            She pulled herself out of her thoughts as a van skidded to a halt on the side of the road, splashing through a puddle and throwing open the sliding door on the side as a figure dressed in black hopped out. He gave her a quick nod in greeting, and Lena confidently strode towards him, giving him a nod in return, before silently climbing into the back of the van. It was illuminated by the weak sunlight streaming in through the door, and she quickly took a seat, buckling herself in, before he climbed in and shut them into darkness. There were no windows at all, and the front cab of the van was blocked off from the back, meaning that she was left in the suffocating darkness with the other agent. 

 

            As they pulled out into the quiet traffic, it occurred to Lena that she hadn’t seen a badge, and this could’ve been some elaborate kidnapping, courtesy of her brother, but she banished the thought as she let her bag settle on the floor of the van and relaxed into her seat. Without the privilege of her sight, Lena took to memorising the turns they took, counting the lefts and rights, when they paused at traffic lights, and mapped out their trip in her mind. It was an old game she’d used to play with her father, sitting in the back of one of his lavish cars with her eyes closed as she memorised their trips and guessed roughly where they were. He’d come up with the game after her first kidnapping attempt. After the second time, when she’d counted the corners taken and told him her guess, a group of men had left the house, and come back later covered in blood, two of them missing. She realised what the game had really been about. 

 

            So she counted all the turns as they made their way through the city, and she was content to sit in silence as the other man made no attempt to talk, and before long, they started to slow. She heard the telltale rattling of a roller door being pulled up, and then the engine died, and the door was pulled open to reveal a blinding brightness after the darkness of the van, and Lena blinked back tears as her eyes stung. The faint smell of salt, tar and diesel fuel drifted in with the wind, along with the threat of rain, and she grabbed her bag and climbed out, landing on the gravelled floor of an alleyway. Before she could have a look around, the man who’d sat in the back of the van with her grabbed her arm and started towing her in through the open door. 

 

            Willingly following along, the roller door sealed them inside the building, and fluorescent lights flickered to life on the ceiling. It looked like a small abandoned warehouse, and they walked towards a box housed in the middle of it, the metal doors clamped tightly together. It looked like an industrial elevator, able to transport heavy cargo between levels, and coincidentally, keep people from getting into it. Lena was starting to realise just how covert this was, with its secret black site, the windowless van and the heavy duty building, with its thick walls, steel beams and concrete. They stopped just before the elevator, and she was given a quick pat down to check for weapons, a wand waved around her to double check, and her bad was quickly rummaged through and given the same treatment, before she was given the all clear. Swallowing whatever doubts she had, she let herself silently be led into the elevator, as the thick doors parted.

 

            The trip was short, sinking just one level below the ground, and she was pleasantly surprised to see the normalcy of an office as the doors parted to reveal the large space. It looked like the inside of a police office, from which she had much experience frequenting, just more sleek and professional. There were large screens and monitors against one wall, wires snaking and connecting to different equipment as each screen displayed information that went over Lena’s head. A row of desks had people typing away at keyboards, their fingers flying across the keys as their eyes scanned the screens, a few agents were milling about a large table, drinking coffee, sidearms holstered and burly arms straining against their fitted uniforms, and they all glanced over as she walked in. Overall, there were no more than a dozen of them there, and Lena stubbornly jutted her chin forward slightly at the suspicious looks.

 

            “This way.”

 

            The agent dropped his hand from her arm, and Lena followed the woman that had spoken, walking down a hallway and pausing as she raised her hand and knocked on a door. It was opened a moment later by Hank, and his eyes moved past the woman’s face and latched onto Lena’s. His expression was unreadable.

 

            “Director Henshaw, I have Lena Luthor for you, sir.”

 

            “Thank you, Imra,” he nodded, moving aside, “come in. Both of you.”

 

            Lena followed the woman inside, noting that she was English, and a few inches shorter, yet wore her uniform with ease and confidence, and found herself inside Hank’s office. It was all dark wood, glass and polished steel, and he eased himself down onto the leather chair behind his desk. It was neat and sparse, and he looked comfortably in control in his dark suit as he eyed her from his seat. Despite his gentle tone and calm nature, it was clear who was in charge, and Lena didn’t underestimate that he could become the hard Director at a moment’s notice. An apprehensive look on her face, she silently stood a little behind the woman - Imra - and waited to be spoken to first. It seemed like keeping a low profile would be a good start, and she swallowed her pride as she was forced to stand in the tense silence. Normally, she wouldn’t have been so good at biting her tongue, and demanded an explanation, but those dark eyes were judging and assessing, and she felt the need to prove herself to this man. Perhaps it was so that he didn’t regret helping her keep her daughter and change his mind. 

 

            Finally, he relaxed slightly in his seat, and Lena felt her own stiff shoulders sag as the tension eased and his expression warmed slightly. “Lena. Well, I suppose we should commence your training then. This is a government black site hidden within the city. Most of your training will take place here, under the guidance of Agent Imra Ardeen,” he nodded to the other woman, “she’ll be your Supervising Officer. Anything she says, you listen to, and any orders she gives, you follow. Without question.”

 

            Giving him a terse nod, Lena rigidly stood in place, listening to the words. “Disobedience will not be tolerated. You’re here as a special favour. Most agents-in-training spend a year at the academy, having already proven themselves in other fields. Everyone here is ex-military, or enlisted from the FBI, CIA or other government factions. You … you’re young, but you have something offer us. Don’t make me regret putting my trust in you.”

 

            “Yes, sir.”

 

            “A car will come and fetch you five days a week, like this morning. You can have the weekends to spend with your daughter. Unless we have need of you, and then you’re to report here immediately, without question.”

 

            “Could I- could I drive myself?” Lena ventured the question.

 

            “Like I said, it’s a government black site. Very few know of its location, even within the DEO, which is why you’re being trained here. Your brother has eyes on you. More than you might think.”

 

            Lena pressed her lips together in a thin line, contemplating speaking, and ultimately deciding that keeping quiet could do more damage. “It’s down by the docks. On the north side of the river, I’d say.”

 

            There was a brief pause and Imra turned to look at her, eyebrows rising slightly in surprise, while Hank managed to keep his expression blank. Hesitating slightly, he gave her a hard look. “How did you come by this information?”

 

            “I kept track of the turns we took. Made my best guess based on what I know of the city. Plus, the docks have a certain smell.”

 

            “Well, aren’t you … perceptive. That’s a good trait in an agent. It can keep you alive,” he murmured, watching as Lena blanched and scrambling to elaborate, “not that you’ll be in the field. You’ll be for surveillance, for processing information and providing what intel you have on your family. You’ll be able to go home to your daughter safely, you have my word. But no, you can’t risk being followed here. It could blow the whole operation. This team has been handpicked to take down your family, and they’re all put at risk just by having you here.”

 

            She nodded, her teeth clenched as her stomach roiled, unsettled by the thought of putting herself in danger. It was already a risk even agreeing to work with them, let alone the idea of being put into action, trying to take down her brother firsthand. That would undoubtedly lead to her orphaning her daughter, and Lena fought to suppress the thoughts, trusting Hank’s word that he’d keep her safe. 

 

            “Still, you’ll undergo full training, including the physical side. Weapons training, hand-to-hand combat, reconnaissance and espionage. Agent Ardeen will oversee everything.”

 

            Lena silently nodded, and Hank climbed to his feet, extending a hand across the desk and giving her a small smile of encouragement. “I look forward to working with you, Agent Luthor.”

 

            She reached across the desk and shook his hand, and then she was being led back out of the room and ushered into the one on the opposite side of the hallway. As the lights were switched on, Lena took in the sparse space, decorated only with a metal table, with room to be cuffed, two matching chairs, and a piece of equipment that she’d only ever seen in movies. A polygraph machine. As understanding dawned on her face, Imra let out a quick laugh, and Lena turned to face her.

 

            “The first test any agent has to pass is a polygraph,” she said with a faint smile of amusement, “the test isn’t over until you answer all questions truthfully or decide to leave. So, depending on how long you’d like to be here, we can take as long as you’d like. The longest I've ever heard of was three days.”

 

            Letting out a snort of laughter, Lena arched an eyebrow and gave her a provoking look, “well let’s get on with it then. I have nothing to hide.”

 

            Giving her a knowing look, Imra smiled, “you say that now.” Looking Lena up and down, she cocked her head to the side and pursed her lips slightly, “you brought an overnight bag? Good. You might want to change into something more comfortable. I’m going to get us some water. We don’t want you getting thirsty while you talk.”

 

            Shaking her head, Lena smiled despite herself, feeling somewhat stupid as she realised that of course they would want to question her first. She shouldn’t have walked into it expecting them to not want to interrogate her, to find out if she really was on her brother’s bad side, if she could be trusted to keep the secrets she would learn there. As the door clicked shut behind her, she set her bag down on the table and unzipped it, rummaging through the spare change of clothes she’d brought, and pulling out a pair of Kara’s sweatpants and one of her old NCU sweatshirts. She hoped her roommate wouldn’t miss them if she wasn’t back tonight. 

 

            Glancing up at the four corners of the room, where they met the ceiling, she looked at the four blinking cameras and realised that this was as much privacy as she would be afforded. She could either get changed while they watched on the computer screens, or in front of her Supervising Officer when she returned, or else, suffer through being questioned in a suit and heels. Letting out a withering sigh, Lena shed her coat, taking a moment to fish out the Lego figure and set it on the table, before she slipped off her blazer and fumbled over the buttons. Quickly changing, she’d just finished packing her clothes away when the door conveniently reopened to admit Imra. In that time, Lena had noted that there was no door handle inside.

 

            The other agent let the door shut behind her this time with a resounding click, locking them both inside, and Lena swept the tiny Lego figure up into her hand, before she set her bag on the floor and took a seat. Imra set two bottles of water down on the table and moved over to the polygraph machine. Lena watched on with an impassive look on her face as Imra set it up, her hands hidden beneath the table as she clenched her hand around the toy, telling herself that it would be fine. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears though, and tried to calm herself down before she had the cuff wrapped around her arm and her nervousness broadcast for Imra and whichever other agents were watching. She would bet good money that Hank was.

 

            “Roll your left sleeve up, please,” Imra quietly ordered her, and Lena did so, revealing her palm arm as she pushed up the long sleeves. The cuff was tightly wrapped around her arm, and then Imra picked up a heart rate monitor, much like one found in a hospital and glanced down at Lena’s clenched fist, realising that she was holding something. “What’s in your hand? You’ll need to let go of it so I can attach the monitor.”

 

            She waved the wire held between her fingers and gave Lena a curious look, watching as she uncurled her fingers to reveal the toy. Cheeks flushing slightly with embarrassment, Lena rubbed the back of her neck with her other hand, giving Imra a grim smile. “It’s a, uh, Lego Princess Leia. My daughter …” she trailed off into silence as Imra plucked it from her palm, holding it up to closely inspect it, before she gave Lena a surprisingly kind smile and set it down on the table, away from the equipment.

 

            “We’ll just leave it here for now.”

 

            Nodding, Lena silently followed the rest of the instructions, letting her clip on the monitors, attach leads and wires, and tried not to fidget as she started to grow impatient. Once she was all hooked up to the blinking machine, the roll of white paper just waiting to start recording her answers, Imra stepped back and admired her handiwork, before giving Lena a brief smile and gesturing to one of the cameras. The door softly clicked open.

 

            “I’ll be back shortly.”

 

            That shortly turned into nearly an hour, by Lena’s reckoning, having spent the whole time counting the seconds, and then when her mind wandered, starting all over again. She grew just a tiny bit restless, unable to get up and pace as she sat hooked up to the machine, and settled for taking small sips of water, and eyeing the Princess Leia sitting on the table. Feeling slightly peeved that she was being forced to wait, assuming that this was another part of the test, she stonily stared up at the cameras. Eventually the door opened to reveal her SO, looking a little bit sheepish as she stepped back inside.

 

            “Well, you’re not going to crack easily. You have patience, I’ll give you that. Must be motherhood.”

 

            “Must be,” Lena flatly agreed.

 

            Giving her an amused look, Imra sat down on her chair, the legs scraping against the concrete floor as she pushed herself in, a tablet in hand, which she laid down on the tabletop. Lena stared at her, taking in her dark curls and bluish eyes, watching as she tapped at the screen. It was a few minutes of silence before Imra looked up at her, suddenly all serious as she placed a small recording device on the table.

 

            “Our time in here will be recorded, to be examined by your Superior Officers and for evidence, should we need it. You may answer all questions in your own time, but we won’t progress to the next one unless your answer is truthful. You can opt out of this at any point, and any further training will cease, and you’ll be guided through the release forms. You’ve already signed a NDA, so anything that happens within this building, stays here. Do you agree to the terms?”

 

            “Yes.”

 

            “Great, let’s begin. We’ll start with a few easy questions to get a baseline, and then we’ll go from there. So, what’s your full name?”

 

            “Lena Kieran Luthor.”

 

            “How old are you?”

 

            “Twenty-one.”

 

            The computer screen showed a series of wriggly lines as it measured her reaction, from her skin perspiration, to leg movement, to heart rate. She felt a calmness wash over her though, confident in her answers. She wasn’t lying, and even the baseline questions for her lies didn’t bother her. They were the only lies she was going to tell, because she was committed to upholding her end of the bargain, and possibly stopping her brother, and unless she was honest, she wouldn’t see that through to the end. She just hoped the questions weren’t too difficult for her to bear.

 

            “How many children do you have?”

 

            “One.”

 

            “Are you in a relationship?”

 

            “No.”

 

            There was a slight pause as Imra checked the screen, before turning her eyes back to Lena. “Are you in a relationship?”

 

            “No,” Lena said more firmly, before elaborating, “not a romantic one.”

 

            Clearing her throat, Imra gave her a pointed look, “and … sexual?”

 

            Cheeks flushing, Lena gave her a cool look, “I fail to see the relevance.”

 

            “We need to vet anyone you’re close to. Just in case they might be a plant, reporting on you.”

 

            Scoffing, Lena gave her a mildly incredulous look, shifting in her seat. She was silent for a few moments, and Imra didn’t press her, yet Lena knew that she’d have to answer it eventually. “Yes. With a friend. Kara Danvers.”

 

            “Your roommate?”

 

            “Yes,” Lena testily replied.

 

            Satisfied with the truthfulness of her answers, Imra continued on through her list of questions. Lena answered them all, some with ease, and others with the rankled pride of someone giving up their privacy and secrets, yet she still answered them. A lot were about her past, her childhood, her family, her relationships with them, and others were about her personal life, her hobbies and routines, her opinions, beliefs. She answered all of them truthfully in the end. 

 

            Still, it took hours, and she grew restless, strapped to the machine, drinking her water whenever her throat got dry and tongue thick in her mouth. There were pauses every so often, where she was left in the room, still strapped in. She refused to ask for a break, her muscles stiffening as the time dragged on, and she felt lunch come and go, her stomach quietly rumbling as she ignored it. She was determined to get through them all as quick as possible, and aside from her bristling at the question about her and Kara, she didn’t hesitate. At times, she looked at Lego Princess Leia and reminded herself why she was doing it.

 

            Still, there were dozens of questions, some of them forcing her to stop and think for a moment, to explain herself properly, not wanting to put her foot into it, and when Imra finally climbed to her feet and switched off the machine, Lena sagged with relief. Sitting slumped in her chair, she let Imra undo all of the wires attached to her, and run a hand over her weary face.

 

            “I’m impressed,” the agent quietly told her, a friendly smile curling her lips as Lena glanced up at her. “That was one of the quickest, I think. You were … very honest. I expected some reservations, but … well, you barely even hesitated, even on the hard ones.”

 

            “I’m not doing this for myself,” Lena murmured, reaching out to pluck the figurine from the table, “so it’s not that hard to set my pride aside. Not for the people I love.”

 

            Laughing, Imra gave her a curious look, as if seeing her for the first time. “I think I pegged you wrong, Luthor. You’re not the spoilt little girl our files painted you as.”

 

            Giving her a dour look, Lena climbed to her feet, stretching her legs as she paced around, getting her blood flowing as she watched Imra wrap everything up. She was a little bit put out by the fact that they had files on her, but knew that of course the would’ve. They would’ve been keeping tabs on her for the past few years, watching her comings and goings, watching to see if she made contact with her family. They probably knew about Lex’s gun, which she’d stowed in a safety deposit box at the bank, instead of fully getting rid of it like Kara asked, and about the jewelry she’s sold, how much she had in her bank account, and God knew what else. Lena doubted that they didn’t already know everything she’d told them.

 

            A little disgruntled, she stretched out her arms, feeling drained after talking for hours, a hollow feeling her stomach from her skipped lunch, and desperately in need of the bathroom. As if knowing how uncomfortable she must be, Imra gave her a sympathetic look, although her blue eyes sparkled with mirth, and jerked her head towards the door, ordering her to leave her stuff. Shoving the Lego into her pocket, Lena padded out of the room in her sweats and fluffy socks, and was led to a bathroom, before being shown to a common room area, where a coffee and a turkey sandwich was waiting for her. Gratefully eating her meal, feeling the caffeine spread throughout her body and reinvigorate her, she watched the other agents as they came and went, grabbing snacks from the fridge, helping themselves to coffee from the brewing pot. They all cast her furtive glances, but none of them approached, and she was happy to eat alone, as Imra joked with them. 

 

            It was mid-afternoon, and she wondered what was next on the agenda as she drained the dregs of her coffee and threw the sandwich wrapper in the bin. Seeing that she was finished, Imra made her way back over to her and jerked her head towards the door, leaving Lena to follow after her. As they walked through the sub-level of the building, Imra started pointing out the few doors, opening them one by one to give Lena a glimpse inside. It looked like the next part was a tour. There was the common room, which they’d just left, a bathroom, complete with shower stalls, toilet cubicles, sinks and lockers. Beside that was a dark room with a few shadowy bunks visible, as well as more lockers, in case of long shifts in a crisis. There was a training space, the armoury, which she wasn’t allowed into, just given a glimpse at the array of weapons on the wall, a containment facility, and the rest of the rooms she’d already seen. 

 

            They ended back up in the interrogation room, this time under a more casual air, and Imra left to get them both some tea. Once she’d resettled herself, nudging a chipped mug towards Lena, who wrapped her hands around it as the chill from the concrete floors and walls burrowed beneath her warm clothes, she started to talk. 

 

            “So next - this part’s a bit easier - I need to assess your skills.”

 

            “My skills? I don’t have any skills.”

 

            With a quick laugh, Imra raised her eyebrows slightly, “yeah, well that’s what I’m going to find out. We’ll set a baseline for what you can do, and go from there. So, tell me about your strengths and weaknesses.”

 

            Giving her a wry look, Lena took a scalding sip of tea, before setting her mug back down and staring down at the liquid. “Ah, thank you, this is  _ much _ easier.”

 

            Giving her a withering look, Imra sighed, “it doesn’t have to be specific, just tell me what you’re good at. You have a masters in psychology. That’s an asset here. A strength. What else is there?”

 

            “I’m a pretty good shot,” Lena shrugged, “I can pack a good punch. My dad wouldn’t let his darling daughter walk around unable to protect herself.” She scoffed as she shook her head, staring down at her unmarked knuckles, thinking about all of the times she split and bruised them, on a boxing bag most of the time, but sometimes when she lost her temper. “I took karate lessons when I was younger. I reached black belt, but I’ve been out of practice for years now. I’m a good driver, like  _ really _ good, can out race the cops in a street chase kind of good, which probably isn’t something to brag about, but it’s a skill, I guess. I’m a good chess player, which sounds stupid, but I’m logical and strategic. I’m _ smart _ , and I’m not above admitting it.”

 

            “And … weaknesses?”

 

            Pausing, Lena pressed her lips together in a thin line. “I- well, I can have a temper at times. You’ve seen what my family’s like, and that’s what I was raised around, so … I don’t  _ act _ on it - not since I was a child, not  _ really _ \- but it’s there, and it’s not- I know it’s a flaw. My family, the people I care about … they’re a strength to me in my life, but here, it’s a weakness, because I know my own mind, and I know that I’d do anything to keep them safe. That’s why I’m here in the first place, why I took this deal. I’m stubborn too, and sometimes it’s hard for me to bend my pride and take orders.”

 

            “Hm,” Imra hummed, “then you did well today. That’s good. These are all things we can work with, and work on.”

 

            Nodding, the tension seemed to fade from her taut shoulders, realising that Imra wasn’t going to judge her, or at least she wasn’t going to vocalise her thoughts. Instead, she seemed quite pleased with Lena’s honesty and willingness to cooperate, and that made Lena feel a little more emboldened as they continued.

 

            Sipping their tea, they talked for ages, until all that was left in the cups were cold dregs staining the bottom, and the room had taken on a chill so cold that Lena had folded her legs on the chair and wrapped her arms around herself. Bottom lip quivering slightly, she swore her breath was visible before her, yet she didn’t complain as they carried on talking, the conversation seeming much more two-sided now that she’d finished answering all of the questions. She even got to ask her own, and Imra was forthcoming with as much information as she could give her. 

 

            By the time they wrapped everything up, it was just past six o’clock, and they’d finished outlining a schedule for her. Tomorrow, bright and early, she was to commence fitness training first thing in the morning, and the thought was both exciting and exhausting. She was already run ragged trying to keep up with a lively toddler, and the thought of being put through the ringer to pass the fitness requirements of the DEO wasn’t exactly a tempting idea. Yet she took it as a challenge, and she was too stubborn and prideful to back down, so she’d do it anyway. 

 

            Feeling relief wash over her as she was told that she was done for the day, she collected her bag from where it was abandoned on the floor and scooped up the mug, handing it over to Imra who had her hand outstretched. Suppressing a shiver, Lena followed her over to the door as it clicked open, and a wall of warmth slammed into her as she stepped out, making her pause as she turned back to Imra. With a smile playing at the corners of her lips, Imra shrugged.

 

            “We wanted to see how far we could push you.”

 

            Spluttering, Lena gave her an indignant look, “excuse me?”

 

            “We’ve been lowering the temperature degree by degree over the past few hours to see if you’d complain about the cold. And we spiked your water with a diuretic during your polygraph to see if you’d ask for a bathroom break. Also, all of those breaks I had to make? I just stood outside and watched you through the one-way window the whole time. We’ve found that you can learn a lot about people by making them suffer through mild discomforts or wait for things. You really  _ are _ stubborn, I’ll give you that.”

 

            Letting out a delighted laugh, she brushed past Lena and walked towards the common room, dumping the cups before she led Lena to Hank’s office. Knocking on his door, and waiting for him to give them permission to enter, they slipped inside, and Imra assured him that her testing was done for the day. With his praises at her quick work, he dismissed Lena with a friendly smile, assuring her that he’d see her tomorrow. Feeling a flicker of pride inside at the praise, she returned the smile and gave him a pleased nod, before she was led back outside and through the main work area. Most of the same agents were still there, and they eyed her as she made her way towards the elevator, stepping in beside Imra, still in her sweats and socks, and rose back up into the dark warehouse. 

 

            Following her SO to one of the dark cars parked inside, Lena waited to be told to sit in the passenger seat, before climbing into the cool interior, wedging her bag in between her feet and buckling up her belt. It seemed that they were foregoing the secrecy now, on her behalf at least, considering the fact that she’d pieced it together already, and allowing her the privilege of looking out of the window as the engine purred to life and Imra drove them out through the roller door. It was a standard government issued SUV, black and durable, and Lena felt somewhat at ease with the woman as they sat in companionable silence. After a day of being interrogated by her, and the promise of working closely with her from now on, Lena didn’t see the point in feeling uncomfortable around the agent. Imra seemed likewise at ease, fiddling with the radio as she drove, filling the car with the quiet hum of music as she made her way back to Lena’s building.

 

            With orders to get some rest, and a gleam in her eyes that Lena didn’t quite find uplifting, Imra left her on the sidewalk in Kara’s oversized pyjamas, and drove off. Sighing, Lena slung her bag over her shoulder and padded inside, giving the security guard a grim look as she left damp footprints on the tiled floor from her socks. Riding the elevator up to her apartment, she quietly let herself in, taking in the silent apartment, the telltale smell of takeaway filling the air, and followed the familiar path to her daughter’s room.

 

            The door was ajar, yellow light spilling out into the hallway, and she could hear Kara’s low voice as she read a bedtime story to Laurel. Pushing the door open, Lena tiredly smiled at the sight of her daughter nestled up next to Kara, who had  _ The Ugly Duckling _ open as she read from it. They both looked up at Lena’s appearance, and she watched her daughter’s face light up, struggling to sit up, and Lena quickly crossed over to the bed before she could climb out.

 

            “Hey, Ducky,” Lena murmured, sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching out to caress her cheek.

 

            “Mommy! You’re home!”

 

            “I am,” Lena quietly laughed, digging a hand into her pocket to bring out the Lego figure, “and I’ve got Princess Leia for you. Thank you for giving her to me, she kept me safe all day.”

 

            A smile crinkling her face, her daughter shifted forward, arms extended as she reached for a hug, and Lena moved so that she could easily wrap her arms around her, planting a kiss on the top of her head. 

 

            “I missed you,” she whispered, giving her a careful squeeze.

 

            Glancing up, she met Kara’s eyes, giving her a tired smile, and Kara’s eyes softened as she looked at her, trying to gauge her mood, obviously wondering what had happened. “You’re just in time for The Ugly Duckling,” she said, holding the book up.

 

            “I’m glad,” Lena softly sighed, truly meaning it as she cradled her daughter against her chest, legs stretched out on top of the blankets as she relaxed on the soft mattress. It was a tight squeeze with the three of them, but she couldn’t think of anywhere else she’d rather be than with her girls. “Go on, you finish it. You have a nicer voice for bedtime stories.”

 

            Quietly laughing, Kara bumped her with her shoulder, giving her a warm smile, “that’s because  _ I  _ do the voices.”

 

            “And you do it  _ so well _ . How could I even compare? _ ” _

 

            Snorting with laughter, Kara shook her head, but obligingly carried on reading. Soon enough, Laurel was asleep, and Lena carefully tucked her in bed, making sure she had her stuffed duck clamped under one arm, and brushed her hair out of her face, kissing her forehead, before quietly slipping out of the room, where Kara waited outside, having watched from the doorway with a tender look on her face.

 

            As soon as the door quietly clicked shut, she walked down the hallway with Lena following behind, and spoke in a quiet voice. “I ordered Chinese if you-”

 

            She cut off as Lena caught up to her, grabbed her by the arm and spun her around, before pressing her up against the wall and crushing her lips against Kara’s. The blonde let out a muffled sound of surprise against Lena’s warm lips, taken aback by the surprise kiss, and Lena broke it off, resting her forehead against Kara’s as she raggedly breathed.

 

            “Are you okay?” Kara hesitantly asked.

 

            “Don’t talk,” Lena huskily whispered, her eyelids fluttering closed, “please, no questions. Not right now.”

 

            She kissed her again, a little softer this time, cradling Kara’s face in her hands as she stroked her cheekbones with the pads of her thumbs, feeling the tension fade from her body as she touched her. 

 

            “What-”

 

            “Mm,” Lena mumbled in protest against her lips, kissing her harder, and Kara fell silent as she reciprocated, pushing Lena back and to the mouth of the hallway, all the while never breaking the kiss. 

 

            Letting out a quiet squeal of surprise, Lena laughed against Kara’s lips as she was picked up, legs wrapping around her waist, and carried through the apartment, Kara staggering slightly as she was caught off balance, hands fumbling for the backs of chairs, the ironing board they forgot to put away that morning, the walls, careful not to trip over kids toys or the stack of ironing. By the time the reached Kara’s room, Lena’s back pressed up against the closed wooden door, they were both breathless and slightly flushed in the face, and Kara smiled up at her as she felt about for the door handle. 

 

            They all but fell into the bedroom, and in fact, they did end up of the floor a moment later when Kara tripped over her work boots, collapsing into a giggling pile on the hardwood floors, and Kara hovered above her, eyes sparkling as she smiled. Pulling her down by the front of her shirt, Lena kissed her slowly, cherishing the feeling of her soft lips, and felt the hollow exhaustiveness inside filled for a moment, nourished by the comfort of someone else’s touch as Kara’s hands left burning traces on her skin wherever they roamed. Her mind was tired after a long day, too much talking making her feel drained, and she wanted to unwind, a distraction from talking about her day, as she knew Kara was wont to ask about, and as she lay on the floor, Kara’s weight pressing down on her, her mind went blank.

 

            Afterwards, she lay on her stomach on the floor, a blanket draped over her as her breathing slowed, sweat drying on her skin as Kara’s nimble fingers trailed over the bumps and dips of her exposed back. Eyes closed, a faint smile played on Lena’s lips at the tickling sensation, but she marvelled at how good it felt, her whole body aching and disjointed as she limply lay there. She would’ve been content to stay there all night, but her stomach rumbled, and the Chinese that Kara had brought home beckoned her from the kitchen. 

 

            Much to her intense gratitude, she didn’t even have to go and fetch it, smiling as she watched Kara slip from the room, returning a few minutes later with the leftover cartons and a plastic container with a slice of matcha cake for Lena. She could’ve kissed her, she was so thankful, but the moment had already passed, her needs taken care of, and she settled for sharing the food as they sat side by side, leaning against the side of the bed as they polished off the rest of the food. She quietly asked Kara about her day after that, feeling more much mellow and relaxed by that point, and listened with interest as Kara told her about the man that had accidentally shot himself in the head with a nail gun. 

 

            Knowing that Kara was curious about her own day, Lena briefly summarised her day as much as she could, feeling somewhat guilty that she couldn’t share much with her, on accounts of it all being a secret organisation, but Kara listened with rapt attention to what she did tell her. She seemed happy for Lena, and understanding, and Lena felt a rush of affection for her roommate as she rested her head on Kara’s shoulder, staring down at the screen of her laptop as they spent the rest of the night watching  _ Brooklyn Nine-Nine.  _

 

            She drifted off to sleep, lightly dozing as her exhaustion caught up with her, and at ten o’clock, Kara gently nudged her awake and coaxed her back to her own room. She felt surprisingly cold as she burrowed down beneath her own blankets, sinking into the soft mattress as she spread out across the empty bed, but she didn’t have time to think on it as sleep swept over her and dragged her into unconsciousness. For a little while, she’d felt warm and full, but in her own bed, loneliness had crept up on her and she didn’t even know it. It wasn’t so much that she  _ was _ lonely, it was just that the absence of Kara’s warmth was so comforting that even sitting side by side with her was enough to make Lena feel safe. Safe enough to sleep easily. In her own bed, she tossed and turned all night, no matter how tired she was, and even the dim yellowness of the nightlight didn’t hold a candle to the safety that being near Kara gave her.


	16. Chapter 16

            After the first day of training, she quickly fell into a familiar routine. Every morning she was forced to engage Imra in hand-to-hand combat, already somewhat skilled due to her black belt and boxing lessons, but nowhere near at the same skill level as her SO, and she came home black and blue at the end of the day, most of the time with Kara to gently kiss them all as Lena found herself in her bed at night. After their initial reservations, it had become surprisingly easy, and more often than not, they were each other’s release. After a stressful day, a disappointing date, or purely for the sheer pleasure of it, they would seek each other out late at night, before going back to their own beds. 

 

            To keep things casual, they went on dates too. Mostly just Kara, but she’d eventually coaxed Lena into going on a few, sheepishly confiding in her that sometimes she felt like she was using her, and it would ease her conscience if she gave it a try. Lena didn’t know how to tell her that what they had was perfect, leaving her without the bothers of trying to fit and please someone else in her life. Nevertheless, she  _ did _ go on a few dates. There had been a Tibetan woman called Veronica, who Kara had set her up with after patching up a few drunks outside the bar the woman owned. They’d gone to an Italian restaurant and out for cocktails, before making it back to the woman’s flashy apartment on the East Side of the city. Lena had left as soon as they’d finished, making no pretences of why she was really there, and that was the last she’d seen of her. 

 

            Her training progressed quickly, with her jumping straight into learning the computer software, analysing data, learning code breaking, coding and communications. She was put through three months of weapons familiarisation, showing off the skills one could only pick up from growing up around said weapons. Her aim was near perfect. There was toxicology, learning about poisonous substances and how to counteract them, explosives and bomb defusal at a facility in the desert a few hours south of National City, surveillance and reconnaissance lessons for a week in Metropolis with an agent called Helena Bertinelli, who she spent more than one night with while she was there. There was a resistance to intelligence program, consisting of her being essentially kidnapped before reaching the DEO headquarters and taken to an unfamiliar location, stripped and locked inside a dark room. She was left alone for an unknown amount of time, before taken to a different room and questioned for hours by unfamiliar interrogators. It was thrilling in the sense that it all seemed fantastical, like something out of a spy movie, but she never treated it as anything other than serious, and at times when she was flown across the country, the weight of her situation settled heavily upon her.

 

            Over the course of her training, Kara turned twenty-four, she turned twenty-two, and Ducky turned four, and things stayed much the same as they had before, with only a few changes. They still went to the park on weekends to feed the ducks, went to the movies to watch the latest kids films, and when Lena decided to re-enroll in karate lessons to brush up on her self-defence, deciding that Laurel was old enough to start too, Kara volunteered as well, coming whenever she wasn’t at work. To any outsiders, it would’ve looked like they were the perfect, loving family. Except that her and Kara weren’t a couple. 

 

            Yet there were moments that caught Lena off-guard, making her pause to check that there  _ was _ nothing there. She knew her own heart well enough to know that she didn’t love Kara, beyond the deep affection held towards her friend, but there were times when even she wasn’t quite sure what they were doing. Kara went on frequent dates - more than she did - going for dinner and drinks nearly every weekend, often coming home before midnight to cuddle up on the sofa with Lena and watch TV, and Lena knew that there was nothing there, but the amount of time they spent together made her a little concerned. 

 

            They were still young, too young to be serious about anything, and Lena was too preoccupied with giving her daughter as much attention as she could when she was home, but Kara was free to do what she wanted, and aside from a near-weekly date, she spent all of her free time with Lena. Although, quite often those times were spent at game nights with their friends, visiting bars and eating out, so it wasn’t always  _ just _ the two of them, but Lena worried that this was all there was for them. She wanted better than casual sex for Kara, and deep down, she knew she wasn’t the person who was able to give her more than that. 

 

            But nothing came of her worries, and it wasn’t long after she’d finished her training when Kara told her that she’d started seeing someone. It had been a while since she’d been on more than one date with the same person, and Lena was thrilled for her, eagerly asking questions as she felt relief wash over her. His name was Mike, Kara had told her, and he was a stockbroker for one of the top firms in National City. But it was nothing serious yet, just a few dates, and Kara would still come home with that look in her eye that would have Lena knocking on her door late at night. 

 

            As Lena got sucked into her work, spending most days sitting behind a desk, scanning computer screens as she filtered through the streams of data about her family, laughing with Imra and the other coworkers she’d gotten to know, offering up snippets of relevant information as they kept tabs on her brother’s movements, she was glad that Kara was otherwise occupied at times. A part of her was hesitant to admit that it was in part due to the fact that she could feel something bad brewing - she wasn’t sure how she knew it, but she did, because things had been too quiet for too long - and she wanted Kara to have someone if something happened to her. She’d have her sister and friends, of course, but from what Lena had gathered, Mike was nice, and Kara seemed happy whenever she came home after seeing him. It was good for her.

 

            Still, sometimes, Kara didn’t seem to realise what she had, and was quick to cancel dates to help Lena when she needed a last minute babysitter, or to stay in and watch movies and order take out with her. It was how they’d always managed things, picking up after each other, swapping favours and working around each other so in sync that they didn’t even have to communicate things half of the time. But Lena found the more that Kara blew Mike off, the more that she didn’t  _ want _ her to. Yet, Kara did it anyway, and was happy to. She’d insist that a night in with her favourite girl was better than any date, and Lena would roll her eyes as she got ready for a work emergency, kissing them both on the cheek as she left them snuggled up on the sofa watching Bambi or another movie. 

 

            The fact of the matter was that Kara  _ cared _ . Too much at times, sacrificing her own wants for other people, yet she did it anyway and never complained. It was just who she was. She was always so sunny and warm that Lena couldn’t even contemplate the idea of not knowing her, not having her around to cheer her up, to talk about their day as they lay side by side, sweat drying on their skin as they ate cups of chocolate pudding she’d fetched from the fridge. Sometimes she felt like she relied on Kara  _ too _ much, and that scared her even more than the thought of never having found her, because she knew that it was all temporary. It wouldn’t last forever, no matter how much fun they were having. And maybe it would be with Mike, or maybe someone else, but eventually it would all end, and even the thought of it filled Lena with so much sadness that she would stamp the thoughts down, lock them away and pretend that it would always be how it was right then.

 

            For the time being, it didn’t seem like Kara was in a rush to change anything though, and as the weeks passed by, and Christmas fast approached, she was content to see Mike at her convenience. It was halfway through December, and a particularly stormy night, the weather quite cool for California at that time of the year, when she’d made the effort to see Mike after putting him off all week, the promise of pizza and movies at his place enticing her out of the apartment. She left Lena to read over some work stuff and sort out Laurel for bed. 

 

            And then the power had gone out after a particularly loud crack of thunder, followed immediately by lightning. The darkness had been nearly suffocating, and Lena had had to swallow her unease as her daughter had started crying, hands clamped over her ears as she buried her head in Lena’s chest. She’d used her phone torch to light the way as she led them back to her room, and had resigned herself to spending the rest of the night trying to get Laurel to calm down in her bed, using her for the comfort as much as Laurel needed her mother’s. 

 

            Sleep had been a long time coming for the little girl, clinging to Lena with fear at the loud bangs outside, and Lena had held her tightly, creating her own stories when she ran out of nursery rhymes, all the while stroking the dark curls and kissing her on the top of her head. But eventually, even the storm lured her to sleep, and Lena was somewhat relieved, glad that her daughter would get some rest, even if the darkness kept sleep at bay for her.

 

            But then the door had opened not too long later, and Lena felt a prickle of worry run down her spine, realising that she’d forgotten to lock the deadbolt and draw the chain across before going to bed. The telltale quiet taps on the hardwood floor made her body go slack though, as the realisation that it was Kara dawned on her, and she patiently waited as the noise grew louder, until there was a gentle tap on her door and it swung inwards a moment later.

 

            “You’re home,” Lena murmured in surprise, shining her phone torch on Kara as she walked into the room, slipping her heels off and leaving them on the floor.

 

            “Yeah,” Kara whispered, giving her a wide smile as she brushed damp hair out of her face and unzipped her dress, while Lena spluttered, sitting up slightly as she gave Kara a wide-eyed look. 

 

            “Kara! Ducky’s in here,” she hissed, momentarily panicking as she glanced down at the child sleeping beside here, wondering if Kara had been drinking and had lost all thought as she stripped off her clothes.

 

            Quietly snorting, Kara tossed her rain soaked dress onto the floor too, turning to rummage through Lena’s drawers as another rumble of thunder made the windows rattle. Pulling on a pair of Lena’s pyjamas, Kara turned and climbed onto the bed, jostling the mattress as she climbed over Lena and the figure of her sleeping daughter, before slipping beneath the covers and burrowing up next to the warmth radiating from them.

 

            “The power went out,” Kara quietly spoke as she stared up at the ceiling, the blankets tucked up under her chin, “and I know you- well … the dark. I came home to- to make sure that you - both of you - were okay.”

 

            Softly sighing, Lena turned and gave her a gentle look, full of warmth and affection, even if a part of her felt embarrassed at the fact that her roommate her cut her date short and hurried home because she didn’t want Lena to be afraid of the dark. “You didn’t have to-”

 

            “I wanted to,” Kara softly cut her off, turning her head to the side to smile up at Lena, her features blurred by the shadowy dimness of the room. 

 

            They fell silent after that, booming cracks of thunder disturbing the hushed quietness of the night, while rain pattered against the windows and lightning split the darkness with blinding whiteness, briefly illuminating the room at intervals. Huddled up beneath the blankets, sharing their warmth, with Laurel tucked in the middle, they listened to the storm rage on, and Lena didn’t find it so scary with Kara there. She even drifted off to sleep first, her head lolling onto Kara’s shoulder as she slumbered, oblivious to her roommate gently stroking her hair as she lay awake a little while longer, brooding over her own thoughts.

 

            Lena woke the next morning to find her head on Kara’s chest, her daughter on the opposite side of the blonde woman, with her head on Kara’s stomach, the blankets draped across the three of them while Kara had an arm limply wrapped around each of them. A jolt of surprise shocked Lena out of her sleepy thoughts as she realised that she’d slept the night through, feeling well rested and warm inside, and she gingerly pushed herself up off Kara and rolled over to the cold, empty side of the bed. It wasn’t so much the physical closeness that made her uneasy, because they’d been as intimate as possible so many times that they didn’t even blink at it anymore, but it was the fact that it  _ was  _ intimate, in its own way. A different way. And Lena wasn’t quite sure how to process it.

 

            She found it easier to dismiss it as nothing but the natural gravitation of the subconscious parts of them that craved human contact, and left it at that. To think of it as anything more made her worried that perhaps Kara was more invested in it than she was. But there were no signs of anything more than friendship, albeit, an extremely close one, but even their friends were oblivious to what went on behind closed doors. Or Lena hoped they were, at any rate. None of them had so much as raised the topic since the trial, and her and Kara were as normal as ever around each other, giving no cause for suspicion. 

 

            But there were the secret looks sometimes, and the casual touches that could easily betray how comfortable they were with the contact, and Lena found herself raising it with Kara on more than one occasion, only for her concerns to be brushed aside. It seemed that Kara was even less bothered by things between them than before, and more than once, Lena wondered if she was looking for a sign to bring things to an end, before it all blew up in their faces. If there was one thing she knew, it was that nothing was perfect, no matter how much it seemed like it was. As the New Year came and went, along with Kara’s birthday, where she met Mike for the first time, she found herself questioning whether or not it would be best to end it now. End it soon, so that Kara would be free to make things serious with him, and she could stop being paranoid about whether she was reading too much into things. 

 

            She never brought it up with Kara though, no matter how much she tried to convince herself too, because they  _ were _ having fun, and why should they stop if there wasn’t any need to? But it didn’t make a difference, because February arrived, and with it came a conversation that Lena had been hoping to have, but in a  _ much _ different way. It wasn’t quite the breaking point she’d been expecting, when everything went to shit, but nonetheless, it was the beginning of the very slow descent into everything falling apart. In some ways, she’d seen it coming, but when it did, it was still like a punch to the gut, and as much as they said nothing would change, it did, because how could it not?

 

            It had been a nice evening up until that point, a clear night as the end of winter came into sight, and they were cooking in the kitchen, the speakers playing soft music as they chopped and stirred, chatted and laughed. It was the same as a dozen other nights they’d had, although perhaps the new recipe they were trying was a little more ambitious, and they’d helped themselves to a glass of wine each as they cooked. Earlier on, they’d been dancing, when Laurel was still awake, spinning the little girl in circles, laughing at Kara’s ridiculous dance moves, and holding hands as they jumped around, enjoying the silliness of it. They’d since put Laurel to bed, tucking her in with her duck and a bedtime story, and the night had turned quiet, coming to a natural lull.

 

            And then the mood had shifted, ever so slightly, for Lena at least, and she’d walked up behind Kara and held her waist for a moment, before pressing a soft kiss to the back of her neck. It was something she’d done before, and it always made Kara squirm as she laughed at the tickling feeling, her cheeks flushing and her eyes sparkling with mischief. It had always led to their clothes on her bedroom floor. Yet, this time, at the featherlight touch to her neck, she’d stiffened, her shoulders rising as her back went taut, and Lena immediately stepped backwards, dropping her hands as if she’d been burnt. Eyes wide with alarm, she stared at Kara’s back, feeling suddenly guilty, as if she’d overstepped. Whenever they’d never been in the mood before, a gentle touch had been gently dissuaded with a small smile and an easy rejection, but never had one of them reacted so coldly, stiffening and closing themselves off immediately. Lena paused for a moment, waiting for Kara to tell her that she wasn’t in the mood, she was tired from the morning shift, and perhaps tomorrow they could, but she silently continued to chop.

 

            “Is everything okay?” Lena eventually ventured the question, “are things with this guy-”

 

            “Mike.”

 

            “Yes,  _ Mike _ … is it serious? Do you not ...”

 

            Sighing, Kara forcefully chopped a potato in half, while Lena leant against the counters, head cocked to the side as she looked up at her expectantly. Taking in the lips pressed into a thin line, as if willing herself not to speak, Lena watched as Kara hunched her shoulders slightly, carefully cutting up the peeled potatoes and dumping them into a waiting pot, and Lena’s forehead puckered with a frown. Reaching out, she hesitantly touched Kara on the shoulder, just a brief touch to make her look at her, before withdrawing her hand and looking up at her with wide eyes. A flicker of concern flashed through Lena, and she couldn’t help but doubt herself for a moment, wondering if perhaps she’d offended Kara in some way. But everything had been fine up until now -  _ better _ than fine. And now, Kara was being standoffish, and Lena didn’t like it.

 

            “It’s okay, Kara. I mean, I know you don’t need  _ my _ permission, but if you feel bad ending it, then you shouldn’t. It’s been fun, but it was only temporary, right?”

 

            She pushed off the counters and walked over to the stove to check the red wine jus, simmering away as they talked. Carefully scooping out the cloves of garlic and the sprig of lavender, Lena dipped the spoon in to try it, humming appreciatively, before she turned to walk back over to Kara and offer her a taste. As she turned, facing the taut shoulders of her roommate, hands braced against the edge of the counters as she hung her head down, Kara spoke.

 

            “I love you,” she blurted out, and Lena froze, blinking in surprise as she held the wooden spoon in hand, looking about as she tried to figure out what to do. Turning back to the stove, she dumped it back in the pan with a quiet clatter, drops of scarlet sauce splashing as she did so. Wiping her hands on a dish towel, she hesitantly cleared her throat, crossing her arms over her chest as she leant back against the counters across from Kara, still staring at her back. She hadn’t moved, hadn’t said anything else to elaborate, and Lena felt her throat close up as she frowned. Finally, with a heavy sigh, Kara tipped her head back, her body relaxing slightly, before she turned around and gave Lena a surprisingly tender look, a soft smile on her lips and a yearning in her eyes. 

 

            “I love you in a way that you don't want me to, in a way that's more than friends should, and I know that’s on me, but I can’t- I can’t use you … like  _ that _ anymore, because it means something different to me, and I just … I don’t want to keep secrets from you. So that’s why, and it doesn’t- it won’t change anything, but you deserve to know the truth, so …”

 

            Opening and closing her mouth, Lena was left speechless for a moment, a deep ache in her chest as pity rose within, because even though Kara wasn’t asking for anything, Lena could see the spark of hope in her eyes that Lena would tell her the same. That she loved her - was  _ in _ love with her - and it left Lena feeling hollow and cruel, because she couldn’t tell her that. And she didn’t want to reject her either, but she couldn’t lead her on. Drawing in a shuddering breath, Lena gave her a pleading look, willing Kara to understand, and she didn’t even have to say anything for Kara to flinch slightly, quickly turning around to hide her cheeks flushed red with embarrassment.

 

            “Oh  _ Kara,”  _ Lena softly sighed, her shoulders slumped with defeat, “you’re my best friend, you know that, but I-”

 

            “We don’t have to talk about it,” Kara bluntly cut her off, resuming her chopping as the back of her neck turned red.

 

            Opening her mouth to object, to insist that they should, to make sure that they were on the same page, that everything was okay between them, but everything about Kara’s body language warned her off pushing her. Closing her mouth, Lena turned around to the jus and silently got a clean pan out in preparation for their steaks. She could feel her own cheeks warming too, regret uncomfortably knotting in her stomach as Kara refused to look at her. It wasn’t out of unkindness that she gently let her down, but out of honesty, yet it didn’t ease Lena’s guilt to know that she’d at least somewhat wounded Kara’s heart in her rejection.

 

            “But-”

 

            “Can you cut the ends off the asparagus, please,” Kara brusquely asked, all but pushing the green stalks into Lena’s hands as the other woman stood there, looking at her with surprise and a wounded look on her face. In some ways, it was as if she’d been rejected too. They’d had a perfect routine going, a comfortable relationship without any worries about pleasing someone, finding time for them and worrying about slotting them into the life they already had, and Kara had ended it. And that wasn’t what rankled Lena, it was the fact that in a matter of seconds, the issue had been brushed aside, and as far as Lena could tell, put to bed.

 

            Slowly walking over to the counters near the stove, Lena plucked a clean knife from the holder, glancing back over her shoulder with a frown on her face, before she turned back towards the asparagus and started to chop the ends off. She’d barely started when the sound of a knife clattering on the unit made her look back over her shoulder.

 

            “I forgot, we, uh, we need milk,” Kara said to the floor, quickly rounding the counters as she snatched her keys and purse from the unit beside the door. Barely even pausing to pluck a coat from the rack, she fumbled with the locks, while Lena spluttered.

 

            “Kara-”

 

            The door quietly slammed before she could tell her to wait, and she reached out to yank open the fridge door, revealing two pints of milk already in there. Gritting her teeth, she clenched her fist around the knife in frustration, her eyes burning slightly for some reason, and she slowly returned to making dinner. Alone this time. She barely touched it when it was ready, the food bland and thick in her mouth, and she left a plate dished up for Kara on the counter, before heading to bed, too drained to even bother switching on a light. 

 

            She was still awake when the soft sound of the door opening reached her ears, and she knew better than to get up and see her. Instead, she lay awake, the ache in her chest making her feel more alone than ever, and she found herself searching for a sliver of love. Something more than platonic, something that she could give back to Kara, and no matter how much she tried to tell herself that perhaps she did love Kara, she couldn’t find it. There was no burning passion, no sensation that made her feel like her heart was about to burst with love, and she felt angry tears spring to her eyes, angrily rubbing them away. 

 

            They’d been sleeping together for a year, having fun, alleviating stress and diffusing some of their bottled up tension, and with the simple mention of love, the tension was so heavy that she couldn’t even sleep. It was all she could think about all night, and when the sun rose, her eyes were burning with tiredness from the sleepless night, and she was weighed down heavily with the guilt of the simple misfortune that she couldn’t force herself to love the one person she knew was too good for her to begin with.


	17. Chapter 17

            When she finally climbed out of bed, knowing that she couldn’t linger in her room any longer, or she was going to be late, Lena warily crept out of her room, half hoping that Kara would be cooking breakfast, her usual sunny self as she flipped pancakes and sipped at a cup of coffee, but she already knew that she wouldn’t be. The apartment was dark, the first grey streaks of weak sunlight lightening the shadows outside, and Lena put the coffee on with a sigh. She had half an hour to get herself and Laurel ready, and Kara was nowhere to be seen or heard, despite her shift starting in less than an hour. If she hadn’t heard her come home last night, Lena would’ve thought that she’d stayed out, but she knew that she’d come in, and she knew that she hadn’t left again, which meant that she was avoiding her.

 

            With a grim look on her face, Lena went to sort her clothes out, taking them into the laundry room and ironing a grey shirt and a pair of black slacks, coming out to the aroma of coffee beckoning her. With a cup in hand, she packed a few of Laurel’s things into a bag and got a few snacks out, debating whether or not to sort out Kara’s lunch too. On most days she did, but Kara was perfectly capable of buying her own lunch too, and Lena paused for a moment, wondering if she’d even take it if she made it for her. Still, she started making a sandwich anyway, listening to the hurried footsteps making their way into the bathroom as Kara realised that she was going to be late if she didn’t come out of her room. Lena likewise eyed the clock with concern, especially as Kara took her time in the shower.

 

            Waking Laurel up, Lena softly spoke to her as she got her daughter ready instead, knowing that she could sort herself out in a few minutes, but when Kara made no move to come out of the bathroom, Lena found herself walking down the hallway, leaving her daughter spooning cereal into her mouth. Turning the handle, Lena frowned as the door didn’t budge, and it took her a moment to realise that Kara had locked it. That, more than anything, was like a slap in the face to Lena. She couldn’t remember the last time that she’d gone a morning without Kara bursting in to brush her teeth, or when she’d walked in on her changing so that she could hop into the shower. It had just been another part of their daily routine. But now Kara was locking her out, both figuratively and literally it seemed, and a wounded look flashed across Lena’s face as she stood in the hallway, staring at the polished wood.

 

            “Kara? I’m going to be late,” she told her, frowning as she listened to the sound of her roommate rummaging around in the cupboards. “Can you open the door, please.”

 

            “I’m getting dressed. I’ll be out in five minutes.”

 

            Opening her mouth, an indignant protest forming on the tip of her tongue, Lena pressed her lips together in a thin line and turned away from the door. “You know what, don’t worry about it.”

 

            Angrily padding through the apartment, she shoved a few items into a bag, slipped a pair of jeans on, and grabbed her ironed clothes. Fetching a coat for herself and Laurel, helping her daughter zip hers up, Lena grabbed the keys to the work issued car she’d been given upon completing her training, and drove to Winn’s. Normally Kara took Laurel there on her way to get a coffee before her shift started, but Lena was annoyed, and if Kara was going to ignore her, then she wouldn’t bother her to start with. Dropping her daughter off, Lena gave Winn a brittle smile, knowing she looked a mess, having not even showered yet, or had time to eat, and as if sensing that she was in a bad mood, she left with two cream cheese bagels that Winn had pressed into her hands, freshly baked before the sun had even risen as he prepped for the day at the diner. With orders to be good, Lena kissed her daughter on the cheek and thanked her friend, before hurrying the rest of the way to work.

 

            She was allowed to drive herself now, being a full agent, and entrusted with the organisation’s secrets, but she still took a roundabout way down to the docks, pressing a little button to open the roller door as she flew into the dark building. Glancing down at her watch, she swore under her breath, grabbing her things out of her car and rushing over to the elevator to make the jolting trip down below. 

 

            The agents that had worked the night shift nodded their greetings as she stepped in, drinking their eighth cup of coffee, rubbing their tired eyes and stretching from long hours spent behind their desks, and Lena raised a hand in a brief wave as she made her way through the familiar black site. Stepping into the common room, she dumped the bagels onto the counter, trying to juggle her stuff, and nodded to Imra, who was making herself some tea, looking alert and refreshed before the start of her shift.

 

            “Morning,” she greeted Lena, a smile playing on her lips as she arched an eyebrow, “someone looks tired. Didn’t get much sleep last night, huh? Was it that hot paramedic of yours?”

 

            Snorting, Lena softly shook her head, her shoulders taut, and nudged the bagels towards her coworker, “yeah, something like that. There’s a bagel for you.”

 

            “Have I ever told you you’re my favourite agent?”

 

            “Yeah? Want to do me a favour then?”

 

            “Sure,” Imra casually shrugged, seemingly unbothered by what Lena might want of her.

 

            “Do you want to spar?”

 

            Perking up slightly, Imra picked up the bag with her bagel and nodded, giving her a smile around a mouthful of food. Stopping by the locker room, Lena pulled out a DEO issued uniform and quickly changed into it, stretching her arms and legs out as she followed Imra towards the training room. They’d spent many hours in their throughout Lena’s training, but now most of her work was restricted to her data analysis and criminal profiling of every known member of her brother’s gang, and aside from the mandatory practice sessions, she didn’t work on her combat skills. 

 

            As soon as Imra threw the first punch, Lena knew that she was outmatched, as always, but it was something of a relief to go through the motions of punching, kicking, twisting and ducking. Still, she found herself on the padded mats more than usual, Imra’s firm warnings and light taunts rankling her pride. Her teacher was merciless, and was quick to let Lena know that her form was off as she slammed her face down onto the mats yet again. Pushing herself up, her skin prickling with sweat as her chest heaved slightly from the effort, Lena climbed back to her feet and raised her fists again, giving Imra a dark look.

 

            Laughing with delight, Imra gave her an amused look, “you know, I’ve never met someone as stubborn as you. My God, Lena, will you ever learn to just  _ stay down?” _

 

            Giving her a wry smile, Lena shrugged, bouncing slightly on her toes, “I wasn’t raised to be a quitter.”

 

            With a low kick, Imra swept her legs out from beneath her, and Lena slammed back down onto the mats, swearing loudly as she lay splayed on the mats, mouth pressed into an angry thin line as she pushed herself up. Or tried to, because Imra pressed a foot against her chest and firmly, yet gently, forced her down onto her back, looming above her as she frowned down at her.

 

            “Yes, but you’re distracted, and sloppy.”

 

            Reaching out, Lena grabbed her ankle and pulled hard, watching with some satisfaction as her teacher was caught off balance and tumbled down onto the mats. “I’m just out of practice.”

 

            Rubbing her elbow, Imra grimaced, turning her blue eyes on Lena and giving her a searching look. “No, that’s not it. Whatever’s bothering you … don’t let it get in the way of your work, yeah? Henshaw might be a big softie, but he can’t afford for you to fuck up, especially not when it’s your family and he’s gone out on a limb for you.”

 

            “Yeah, yeah, I know,” Lena grumbled, giving Imra an exasperated look as they both sat on the floor, “it won’t be a problem.”

 

            “Good,” Imra said, giving her a smile as she held her hand out, “one more round?”

 

            Clasping her hand, Lena smiled as they both pulled each other up, diving back into the fight. She tried not to let her worries about Kara cloud her mind this time, and while it was hard not to get distracted by thoughts of her, Lena felt that she did a little bit better at least, even if she was still going to be covered in bruises by the end of the day. 

 

            After they finished, Lena made her way back to the showers, getting her things out of the locker and stepping into one of the stalls. Hot water sputtered out of the showerhead and she relaxed as the stall filled with steam, the sweet smell of her own soap making her feel better as she rubbed it into her sore muscles, washing the drying sweat from her skin. Feeling refreshed, having washed her face and scrubbed her teeth, she stood dressed in her clothes, now slightly creased from being shoved into her bag, and was ready for work. 

 

            Making her way out to the main area, she took a seat at her desk, taking in the framed photo of her, Kara and Laurel and feeling her throat constrict as she logged into her computer. Her desk was sparsely decorated in comparison to other people’s, and now she was beginning to wish that she had other things to occupy her attention as she couldn’t help but look at their three smiling faces as they posed for the photo. It had been taken last summer when they’d gone to Midvale to visit Eliza. It had only been for the weekend, but it had been a much needed break, lounging on the beach, tracking sand back home after a day of swimming in the sea, sitting out on the deck in the balmy evening, eating crab and fish as they lit a fire in the large metal pit. It had been fun to get away, and Lena had found it easier to breathe, away from the city, her training and her family. Eliza had been as lovely as ever, the primary school teacher in her coming out as she doted on Laurel, and Lena had been able to relax, surrounded by love and the knowledge that she was safe.

 

            Turning the photo away from her line of sight, Lena scowled at her screen as her fingers darted across the keys. The rolling of wheels caught her attention as someone appeared beside her, and she ignored them as she brought up the influx of data waiting for her. 

 

            “Trouble in paradise?” a kind voice softly said in her ear, and she spun around in her chair, fixing the dark haired man with an exasperated look.

 

            “Morning, Querl,” she said with a sigh, unable to be irritated at her coworker as he looked at her with such innocence. He gave her a slight smile, fiddling with toy in his hands to keep his fingers distracted, and gave her an expectant look. Lena realised he’d watched her turn the photo aside, and she quickly reached out to right it, centering it just a little so that it wasn’t so obviously turned away from her. “Stressful morning,” Lena lamely replied, giving him a thin smile, “you know how parenthood is.”

 

            Cocking his head to the side, a thoughtful look crossed his face for a moment, before he shook his head. “No. I don’t have any children of my own.”

 

            “No, I know that, I just-” she cut off, giving him a warm smile, “nevermind. Anything good this morning?”

 

            Eagerly pulling himself in closer to her computer, he stole the keyboard and typed in a few words, bringing up a series of bloody images and a police report. “Six bodies found shot down near the docks south of the river. One suspect picked up by police two blocks away, after security cameras picked up on the license plate of his stolen car. Name’s Raymond Jensen. Ex-military, former bodyguard to an American politician over in England, and now … apparently in your brother’s pocket. We’re not sure what the motives behind the murders were, but the victims were all linked to the Mexican cartel.”

 

            “I’ll start profiling him,” Lena sighed, pulling herself in as Querl backed off, his chair gliding across the concrete floor as he spun in it. Biting back a smile, Lena stared at him with amused fondness, “thanks, Querl. There’s a bagel in the common room for you.”

 

            Giving her a suspicious look, he pursed his lips for a moment, dark eyes narrowing. “Cream cheese?”

 

            “Obviously.”

 

            Rising to his feet, he passed behind her desk, giving her shoulder a quick squeeze on his way, and Lena let out a quiet laugh, shaking her head as she started to look at the information on her screen. Soaking up all the details, she brooded over the image of the guy, taking in the blank stare, blonde hair and unassuming look of him. He was far from the burly men that her brother usually hired, their arms and chests thick with muscles, their heads shaved and at least three prison sentences served. This guy had been a model soldier, and advanced to the rank of Corporal before being honorably discharged, and had spent the past three years in England with an American political figure and previous businessman known for his views on illegal immigrants. Lena didn’t quite know where to place him.

 

            There were other matters she had to attend to as well, helping decrypt text messages from the phones they’d picked up off the dead bodies. Keeping Imra informed on her findings as the field agent made the rounds to the NCPD and the FBI headquarters in the city, trying to find out more information, which got fed straight back to Lena and the other desk jockeys. By the end of the day, her eyes were starting to ache from staring at the screen all day, scanning texts for secret codes for locations, running coordinates, trying to find links between Jensen and her brother’s work. When her shift ended, she was relieved to go home, until she thought of Kara. But even that didn’t deter her from picking up Laurel, buying some Chinese takeaway and going home to confront her roommate. Or she would’ve done, if Kara had been there.

 

            And the next day, she wasn’t home either. Lena pulled nearly twelve hour shifts, five days a week, on top of keeping her child occupied when she wasn’t working, and trying to make sure the house was in order, and all the while, Kara was nowhere to be seen. Lena knew that she worked just as long hours as her, and Kara frequently drew night shifts, but still, she didn’t so much as catch a glimpse of her. It left her feeling cranky and miserable, leaving out peace offerings by way of takeaway, packed lunches and freshly baked cookies, but Kara avoided her like the plague. And Lena wasn’t just angry for the way Kara was treating her over something she couldn’t help, but it was getting to Laurel too, who was confused by the lack of Kara’s presence around. For the first time since she’d become a mother, Lena truly understood what it was like to be a single parent, and it shocked her just how much Kara did for her that she didn’t even realise.

 

            But as the second week came to a close, she was sick of it. She hadn’t seen any of her other friends, and had only found out that they actually  _ had _ invited her over for pizza night and another game night, because when she’d finally met Sam for coffee, the other woman had told her that Kara had said Laurel was sick and Lena wanted to stay home with her. She’d unconvincingly agreed that that was the case, but it irked her that she’d been shut out by everyone because Kara was too embarrassed to be around her at the moment. 

 

            Friday night, long after she’d finished work, still spending hours trying to profile Jensen and try and predict his future moves, after she’d already put Laurel to bed with a quick story and cuddled her up as she drifted off to sleep, Lena found herself sitting at the kitchen table, waiting up for Kara to come home. She’d come home eventually - Lena had heard the door unlock in the early hours of the morning as Kara crept in, while she herself was tossing and turning, her mind weighed down with worry - and this time, she would be up and ready to confront her. She’d given her time, given her space to soothe her wounded pride and heart, but they lived together, they were best friends, and Lena didn’t know what else to do, except get her to talk to her. 

 

            It was nearing eleven when the sound of the key in the door made Lena sit up in her seat, alert and determined, a stubborn tilt to her jaw as she watched the doorway, waiting for Kara to step inside. A moment later she shouldered her way inside, pausing at the sight of Lena sitting by the table, and anxiously jingling her keys in her hand.

 

            “Hey,” she eventually muttered, and Lena gave her a pleading look. Turning away, Kara bolted the deadlock and drew the chain across, before turning the lock and shrugging out of her heavy work coat. 

 

            Lena was silent as she waited for her to say something else, but Kara just quietly walked through the apartment, her eyes ringed by dark shadows, her shoulders hunched as she avoided looking at Lena, and it was clear that that was as much as she was going to say. Shooting up from her chair, sending it scraping back against the hardwood floor in her hurry, she climbed to her feet.

 

            “No, no, no, you’re not avoiding me again!” Lena said, scrambling to block Kara’s path as the blonde made a beeline for the hallway leading to her room, a burning look of purpose on her face as she held a hand out, keeping Kara at bay.

 

            With a look of irritation on her face, Kara avoided meeting her eyes, hitching the straps of her first aid kit further up her shoulder as she shifted uncomfortably. “I’m not  _ avoiding _ you. I’ve been working.”

 

            “For two weeks straight? This is the longest conversation we’ve had in that long! Ducky’s been asking for you. She wants to have a fucking  _ tea party _ but you’re never home! She’s a child, Kara, she doesn’t understand. She misses you -  _ I  _ miss you.”

 

            Sighing, shoulders slumping in defeat, Kara finally looked her in the eye for the first time since Lena had gently rejected her, and Lena winced internally at the yearning she saw in her friend’s eyes. It was almost easier when Kara  _ wasn’t _ looking at her, because then she didn’t have to relive the guilt of not returning her feelings. And even though she didn’t feel the same, Lena  _ did _ miss her, and her heart ached as she looked at Kara, taking in the space between them, which stretched more than the physical distance. She’d never felt so out of touch with Kara, and it hurt her for things to not be right between them both. They’d always been a team, a family, and now there was a rift, and she hated it.

 

            “We can have a tea party tomorrow,” Kara quietly replied, before trying to step around her.

 

            Reaching out, Lena barred her path again with her hand, firmly planting it on Kara’s shoulder, before her roommate quickly stepped back and it fell uselessly to her side. “Can’t we just talk about it? Please.”

 

            “What’s there to say?” Kara mumbled, her cheeks turning slightly pink, “look, Lena, I didn’t expect you to say it back, okay? I only told you because I don’t like secrets and it didn’t feel right. And it’s fine, we don’t need to talk about it, really.”

 

            “Yes, we do!” Lena quietly exclaimed, “you can’t- you don’t just get to decide that it’s the end of the conversation! You didn’t even give me a chance to say anything! And you might not have  _ expected _ me to say it back, but you  _ wanted _ me to.”

 

            “Of course I wanted you to!” Kara quietly hissed, “but you didn’t, and that’s okay, and we don’t have to talk about it and make it into a  _ thing _ . Nothing’s changed-”

 

            Letting out a sharp laugh, Lena gave her an incredulous look, hands on her hips as she looked at her with amazement. “Are you fucking kidding me?  _ Nothing’s changed? _ That’s bullshit, and you know it. You wanted to be adults about this whole  _ thing _ , and I said sure, that’s fine, let’s do it, just as long as we don’t let it mess things up. And now it  _ is _ messed up! And I’m sorry, really, I am, because I  _ wish _ I could give you what you want, but I just- I can’t.  _ I _ can’t be the person to give you that, but I want that  _ for _ you, I do, but I just- I can’t see myself with anyone. And I wish that I did, and I wish it could be you, because you’re … lovely. Just … so lovely, and kind and  _ warm _ , and you deserve someone who feels the same way about you.”

 

            She met Lena’s eyes, her own shining slightly, and gave her a tight smile, “you already rejected me once, you don’t have to do it again.”

 

            “Kara-”

 

            “Mommy?” a small voice said from the mouth of the other hallway, and Lena looked past Kara to take in the small figure rubbing her tired eyes as she stood in her pyjamas. Kara turned around as well and as Laurel dropped her hands, her tired face split into a wide smile as her face lit up. “Aunt Kara!”

 

            She padded across the hardwood floor and Kara dropped down onto one knee, wrapping Laurel in a tight hug, burying her face into her dark hair, before letting her go. The change in Kara was visibly noticeable, and Lena frowned slightly as she crossed her arms over her chest, hanging back as she watched her friend dote on her daughter. “Little Duck,” Kara quietly crowed, reaching out to gently pinch her cheek, “what’re you doing up? You should be sleeping.”

 

            “I’ve missed you.”

 

            “Yeah? I’ve missed you too, Ducky. But guess what? We’re going to have a tea party tomorrow. But you have to go to bed first and go back to sleep, or the fairy’s won’t bring any cakes for you. How about I tuck you in, hm?” At the little girl’s eager nod, Kara climbed to her feet, a soft smile on her face as she stared down at her, and she jerked her head towards Lena. “Give mommy a kiss then.”

 

            Lena scooped her up in her arms, smiling as she peppered her cheek with kisses, her daughter clinging to her neck. She was starting to get too heavy to hold for too long, but Lena couldn’t help herself from balancing her on one hip and cuddling her close, wishing that she was still little. Things had been easier then, for a number of reasons. With a small smile, she kissed her once more, and then set her back down. “I love you.”

 

            “Love you, mommy,” her daughter replied, hugging her legs tightly, before she ran to Kara and took her hand, leading her towards her bedroom. 

 

            When the door shut, Lena let out a heavy sigh, running a hand through her hair and closing her eyes for a moment. With the sudden urge for something to take her mind off Kara, although she doubted it would work, she rummaged through the kitchen cupboards holding the alcohol, reaching right to the very back, and pulled out the packet of cigarettes she kept for the rare one after a bad day or a night of drinking. Shaking one out of the packet, she made her way over to the door leading out onto the balcony and stepped out into the cold night. 

 

            Shivering, she managed to light one with the lighter hidden in the box, hugging her arms around herself as she blew a thing stream of white smoke from between pursed lips. It was a dark night, the moon a mere sliver, and a few neons signs lit up the city from her vantage point in their building. The plants in their pots were all shrivelled up for the winter, and the air held a damp edge to it from the wet soil and rotting leaves. Leaning up against the balcony wall, she smoked two cigarettes in succession, her teeth chattering as she puffed away at them, the orange end burning in the darkness as she was enveloped in a cloud of smoke.

 

            The quiet sound of the door opening made her pause, outing the butt on the wall and flicking it over the edge of the balcony, out into open air before Kara could scold her, and she blew the rest of the smoke out of the corner of her mouth as she turned to watch her roommate sidle up beside her. Bracing her forearms against the wall, Kara ducked her head down, shoulders taut beneath her sweater and hair damp from a quick shower. Lena was surprised to find her there, surprised that she’d willingly come to her, and it made her throat close up as she was overcome with emotion. She’d always been the first person Kara had sought out, coming in after a long day at work to poke her head in Lena’s room and announce that she’d brought home Thai food, or stepping into the living room to ask her how her day was as she collapsed beside her on the sofa. Now, it was  _ surprising _ that she came to her, and Lena hated it.

 

            “It’s not fair to blame you, I know it’s not,” Kara said in a shaky voice, rocking slightly as she forced herself to talk. “And I don’t. I just- I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t want you to be second guessing everything, wondering if every time that you and I- if there was more to it, if I was taking advantage of our deal because I felt something more. And I’m sorry, but-”

 

            Reaching out, Lena rested her hand on Kara’s arm, a reassuring gesture as she gently squeezed, and Kara’s head shot up, a wary look in her eyes as she met Lena’s tender gaze. With a soft smile, Lena tilted her head to the side, giving her a searching look. “Don’t apologise. Please. There’s nothing to forgive. I just- I would  _ never _ think that, Kara. I need you to know that. You’re my best friend, and I  _ do _ love you, and if I lost you … I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. So please, just … be my friend again. Because I miss you, and it hurts, and I don’t want to miss you when you’re right here.”

 

            Giving her a strained smile, a look of longing flashed across Kara’s face, before she quickly turned her head aside, patting the back of Lena’s hand. With a hesitant laugh, she cleared her throat, looking down at the lights of the art studio across the road, and her shoulders relaxed ever so slightly. “Okay,” she said with a heavy sigh, “okay, just as long as nothing changes.”

 

            Laughing, Lena stepped closer and pulled her into a crushing hug, feeling the ache in her chest dim as Kara’s arms circled her waist and she gave her a gentle squeeze in return. Pulling back, Lena gave her a small smile, and Kara softly nudged her with her elbow.

 

            “Now can we go back inside and stop talking about this? I’m freezing my ass off and I’m starving.”

 

            “I made chicken alfredo for dinner,” Lena said, feeling much more at ease now as she darted ahead to get the door, waving Kara into the warmth of the apartment before she followed her inside and locked it. 

 

            Hurrying ahead to the kitchen, Lena heated the food up and poured them both some bourbon into glasses, thinking that they could use the alcohol to diffuse the rest of the tension. She drained hers quickly and refilled it, before carrying one over to Kara and setting it down on the counters. They looked at each other for a moment, struggling for a moment, before Kara let out a quiet laugh, reaching out for her glass and knocking back the alcohol in one mouthful. Shaking her head, a smile playing at the corners of her lips, Lena grabbed the bottle and filled it up again for her, before going to fetch the food when the microwave beeped. Kara thanked her, and Lena hopped up onto the counters, watching her eat as she nursed her own drink.

 

            They went to bed after that, softly bidding each other goodnight before going to their own rooms, and Lena slept easier for the first time in weeks. She woke the next morning feeling well rested and relieved, grateful for the weekend and that she’d patched things up with Kara. In a good mood, she mixed a batter for waffles, chopping bananas and strawberries as she filled the apartment with the smell of her cooking, rousing the blonde from her room shortly. It was as if the last two weeks had never happened, with Kara coming to steal bites of fruit, Lena swatting her hands away as she tutted, and playful banter as they drank coffee and waited for breakfast to be ready. Laurel woke prior to that, and Lena watched Kara play with her dolls on the floor, smiling to herself at the sight of her, as her daughter happily babbled along, excited to have Kara playing with her again.

 

            After breakfast, Kara suggested that they go to the park and feed the ducks, a habitual event for them, and Lena readily agreed, thinking that perhaps her friend was feeling a little guilty about ignoring the little girl. At any rate, they made the walk to the park in comfortable silence, Kara carrying Laurel on her shoulders as they bundled up against the mild breeze as March was ushered in with the spring. Everything was a lively green at the park, the first buds of flowers coming to life and the ducks splashing on the surface of the murky waters. They fed them grapes, the three of them eating their fair share as well, and walked along the hard packed earthen path, pointing at flowers, and occasionally being gifted with ones that Laurel ran off to pluck at the side of the path. 

 

            By lunchtime, Lena was back at the apartment, having parted ways with Kara on the way home, and was making finger sandwiches and a quick fruit salad, Laurel’s little table and chairs already set with small plates and cups. When Kara made it back, Lena filled a teapot with boiling water, a lopsided smile curling one side of her mouth when Kara somewhat awkwardly presented her with a bouquet of colourful flowers, which she took as her own attempt at a peace offering. She held a pack of cupcakes in her other hand, with pink, yellow and brown icing, and the three of them gathered around the tiny table, the adults’ knees nearly at their chests as they blew on their cups of hot tea. Laurel’s stuffed duck occupied the fourth chair, and they ate the finger sandwiches and cupcakes as they humoured the little girl, smiling every time they took in the princess costume she’d changed into. It was her Merida one, and her long curls tumbled past her shoulders as she happily ate her cake and drank her tea.

 

            They played Jenga afterwards, and Kara slyly kept letting Laurel win, much to Lena’s amusement and exasperation. After growing up being spoilt to the point where everything was hers, whether honestly begotten or spitefully taken, Lena wanted her own daughter to know how to be a good loser, but it was funny nonetheless to watch as Kara gingerly watched Laurel clumsily add a wobbly block on top, and purposely knocked over the tower of wooden blocks on her own turn. It was a silly afternoon, spent playing childish games and laughing, and Lena’s heart swelled with love as everything fell back into place.

 

            As usual, they ordered take out, and Laurel was in bed by the time Kara’s night shift started. Laying out the ironed uniform for her, and getting a few snacks together to keep her going through the night, Lena saw her off with a soft smile, which Kara returned. Following that, she prepared herself for a quiet night, pottering around the house as she swept toys into boxes, stacked plates in the dishwasher and put on two loads of laundry, the news quietly humming in the background as she finished off the odd jobs she didn’t have time for throughout the week. 

 

            When a knock sounded on the front door, she paused, setting down the book she’d sat down with, before warily creeping through the apartment, wishing she had her DEO issued handgun with her. She left it at work, knowing that Kara hated weapons, and not wanting Laurel to find it and think it was a toy, but she rarely had visitors this late at night, and never without warning. Silently nearing the door, she gently pressed her fingertips against the wood, stretching up to glance through the peephole, and her eyebrows shot up in surprise, before quickly furrowing into a frown as she took in the sight of her mom standing outside her door. Fumbling with the locks, Lena tore the door open and gave her a dark look.

 

            “What’re  _ you _ doing here?”


	18. Chapter 18

            “Can I come in?” Lillian brusquely asked, taking a step forward and finding her way inside blocked by Lena’s arm. 

 

            With a cool look on her face, Lena stared up at her mother, her chin proudly tilted up as she gave her a haughty look. Arm braced against the doorframe, her lips twitched up into a faint smile, and she arched an eyebrow. “You really think that I would let you inside after you tried to take my daughter from me?”

 

            Gritting her teeth, Lillian sharply exhaled, her eyes wandering up and down the hallway. With mild surprise, Lena took in how agitated her mother was, as if she feared that she was being tailed, expecting trouble to show up at Lena’s door, and Lena paused for a moment. Her mother rarely let her emotions get the better of her. Eyes wide, Lillian turned back to her, her lips pressed into a grim line as she looked down at her. 

 

            “Lena, please. We need to talk.”

 

            She wasn’t sure why she relented, wondering if it was the anxious note in her mother’s voice, or the fact that Lillian was so restless that it put Lena on edge, but she dropped her arm and stepped aside, letting the older woman push her way inside. Quickly shutting the door behind her, Lena drew all the locks and bolts, safely closing them inside, and she turned to face Lillian, who seemed much more at ease now as she shed a fur coat and draped it over the back of a chair.

 

            “What do you want?”

 

            “Lex knows you’re working with the government,” her mother blurted out, wasting no time acting coy and playing games. Her eyes travelled over the apartment, taking in the fresh pile of ironing, the shiny countertops from where Lena had just wiped them, and the lemony smell of cleaning products. She drank in everything, turning to give Lena a hard look. “Is that paramedic here?”

 

            Shaking herself out of her shock at her mother’s words, Lena unfroze at the mention of Kara, folding her arms over her chest as she tried to keep her face blank. “She’s at work.”

 

            Nodding, Lillian fixed her with an icy stare, no love emanating from her, and Lena patiently waited for her to talk. Her mother was here for a reason, other than letting Lena know that Lex knew about her job, although that  _ was _ a problem, and she’d make her reason clear in her own time. Opening her mouth to talk, Lillian paused for a moment, before grimacing.

 

            “How about some tea before we talk?”

 

            Stiffly standing there, Lena didn’t move, giving her mother a cold look, engaged in a silent stand-off. Eventually Lillian sighed, moving towards the kitchen table and pulling a chair out, legs scraping against the wooden floor, before she lowered herself onto it and gave Lena an expectant look. After a few tense moments, Lena realised that it would go quicker if she stopped standing there in sullen silence, and shuffled off towards the kettle to make them some tea. Neither of them spoke while the water boiled, the only sounds being Lena quietly banging cups on the counters, the spoon clanging as she stirred a sugar into her mother’s, remembering how she liked it even though she hated herself for knowing that. 

 

            Carrying the two cups over to the table, she set her mother’s down with a little more force than necessary, the tea coming perilously close to spilling, before she took a seat as far away from her as she could. Holding her own cup between her hands, leaching the warmth from it, she hunched her shoulders and patiently waited.

 

            “What the  _ hell _ were you thinking, Lena? Joining a government organisation? Do you have no loyalty left in you?”

 

            Snorting, Lena gave her a contemptuous look. “To our family? No. But to my own? Always.”

           

_             “I  _ am your own. The only reason I’m here right now is our of loyalty to our family.  _ You _ are still a part of it, but you may as well have signed your own death warrant with this. He’s angry, Lena. This is the last straw for him.”

 

            “He’s always angry,” Lena scoffed.

 

            “This is  _ serious.” _

 

            “Why do you care?”

 

            “Because you’re my daughter, and I won’t let him hurt you.”

 

            Letting out a cold laugh, Lena shook her head, a slight smile playing on her lips as she picked up her tea and took a sip. Setting it back down, she gave Lillian a wry smile, the knuckles of her right hand white as she tightly gripped the handle of her cup. Slow burning anger flickered to life, and Lena couldn’t keep the scathing look from her face.

 

            “Oh  _ now _ you’re putting me first? After years of him tormenting me. Or is this just another part of his twisted plan?”

 

            “Lena, I-”

 

            “I don’t want to hear it, mom. I don’t care about you, or him, or anything that I left behind.  _ You _ kicked me out, not Lex. And you stood by, all those years-”

 

            Clenching her hands into fists, Lillian made a sound of annoyance at the back of her throat, giving Lena an insistent look. “Yes, I know, but he’s … he’s different. He’s not … okay.”

 

            Letting out a harsh laugh, Lena gave her a tight smile, running a hand through her hair as she leant back in her seat. There were so many things that she could point out about her brother that weren’t  _ okay. _ He was ruthless and brutal, always itching for a fight, obsessed with his guns and dog fights, endless parties with girls and drugs and alcohol. That was how he’d always been, and Lena wondered if her mother had truly been  _ that _ blind all these years to not realise that it was wrong. 

 

            “None of us are  _ okay,”  _ Lena snapped, bristling as she leant across the table, hands braced against the sanded wood. “You raised us like this, as if it was normal, and now you’re worried that maybe there might be something  _ wrong _ with him?”

 

            “It’s more than that. He’s gotten worse. He doesn’t listen to me anymore. He’s reckless, and he grows more arrogant by the day. He thinks he’s untouchable.”

 

            “And?”

 

            “And you sold us all out to the government!” Lillian exploded, her face darkening with anger. “He won’t let it slide this time. You made a stupid bargain and now he’s had enough of his games.”

 

            Silently draining her tea, Lena felt it pool in her stomach, the warmth chasing away the chill that her mother’s words brought. Lex wasn’t the forgiving type, and Lena knew what she was getting herself into the moment she’d decided to put her daughter before her own safety. If she was lucky, he’d just kill her, but she knew that he’d most likely drag her back home, keep her a prisoner in their gilded cage and force her to watch as he groomed her daughter to take over the family business. Just the thought of her sweet little girl being taught how to hold a gun, listening to pleading screams as bloody men were dragged through the house to be put before her uncle, sitting at the table of men, watching them play poker while she breathed in the cigar smoke and took in the scabbed knuckles of the men, made her stomach turn. He’d never have Laurel, even if he got Lena. 

 

            “You need to take the girl and leave,” Lillian said in a quieter voice, her tone almost soft, caring even.

 

            “And what about everyone else I love? Am I supposed to just leave them?”

 

            “Yes.”

 

            A laugh bubbled up inside her, and she gave Lillian an incredulous look, unable to comprehend how her mother could be so callously cold, making it seem  _ that _ simple to just pack up and leave her life behind, leave Kara behind. She could no more leave Kara behind than her daughter; she owed her friend that much at least. And it wasn’t just because Lena owed her that, it was because Kara was her family, and it was Kara who had kept her from falling apart, had selflessly followed her from place to place and had fought for her daughter just as hard as she had. They were a team, and Lena couldn’t just leave her behind to fall into her brother’s clutches. He would know that Lena cared for her, and he’d use that to its full advantage.

 

            “No.”

 

            “Don’t be ridiculous,” Lillian scoffed, “you would put  _ her _ before your own daughter?”

 

            Bristling slightly at the accusation, Lena let out a huff of frustration, her hands curling into fists. “Of course I wouldn’t, but I won’t leave her behind. And I can’t ask her to come with me.”

 

            Letting out an almost delighted laugh, Lillian smiled as she cocked her head to the side, giving her daughter a searching look. “Please tell me you’re not in love with her. She will never be enough for  _ you _ .”

 

            Pushing her chair back, Lena slowly rose to her feet, reaching out to pick up her teacup and walking to the kitchen. Her shoulders were taut with coiled tension, and she was brimming with anger as she set the teacup in the sink, her back to her mother as she picked her words carefully, hoping that her voice wouldn’t betray the anger bubbling up.

 

            “I could spend the rest of my life trying to be good enough for her, and it would never be enough. I wouldn’t expect you to understand though,” she said in a low voice, before turning around to give her mother a dark look, “it’s time for you to leave now. I’m tired of this conversation, and you’ve outstayed your welcome.”

 

            “Mommy?”

 

            Before Lillian could reply, the sound of a high pitched voice interrupted them, and Lena quickly rounded the kitchen counters and moved towards the hallway leading towards her daughter’s room. And there was Laurel, rubbing her tired eyes as she clutched her stuffed duck in her other hand. Sinking into a crouch, Lena tried blocking her from Lillian’s sight, giving her a loving smile as she reached out to brush her dark curls back.

 

            “What’re you doing up, Little Duck? Was it a bad dream?”

 

            “Are you mad, mommy? I heard you shouting.”

 

            Quietly laughing, Lena cupped her daughter’s chin in her hand and gave it an affectionate squeeze, mentally kicking herself for letting her and Lillian get riled up. Crinkling her nose, Lena shook her head and gave her another smile. “No, baby, mommy just has a visitor. They’re leaving now. Come on, back to bed.”

 

            Climbing to her feet, Lena picked her up, holding her close as she glanced back over her shoulder to face Lillian, who was watching them with an unreadable expression on her face. Turning back around, Lena carefully carried Laurel back to her room, setting her down on her bed and breaking the little girl’s grip around her neck. Tucking her in with her teddy, Lena kissed her, stroked her dark hair and watched her from the doorway for a moment, before gently shutting the door and leaving her to nod off to sleep, Laurel’s eyelashes already fluttering as her eyes slid closed.

 

            Walking back out to the kitchen, she crossed her arms over her chest and stared down her mother, who hadn’t so much as moved. “You should go.”

 

            “She doesn’t look much like you.”

 

            “I guess she takes after her father, like Lex does.”

 

            Humming in a disconcerting way, Lillian climbed to her feet, picking up her coat and slipping it on. Slowly buttoning it up, Lena felt her patience wearing thin as she watched her, getting the uncomfortable feeling that her mother had something to say, and was building up to it, getting some satisfaction out of making Lena wait. Growing restless, Lena had the sneaking suspicion that it was going to be important, because this was how her mother liked to do things. She’d leave the best part right until the very end, making Lena regret kicking her out as she scrambled for more details. Lillian had always loved to toy with people, and she was smart enough to know how to manipulate them, including Lena. 

 

            “How old is she now? Four?”

 

            “Yes,” Lena curtly replied.

 

            “Hm. He has younger than that being smuggled in.”

 

            Blanching, Lena was unable to hold back the spasm of disgusted horror that ran across her face. “What?”

 

            Giving her a tight smile, Lillian hitched her handbag further up her shoulder. “His human trafficking. You’ve no doubt heard about it. It’s mostly for organs, I think. Your father always abhorred the trade, but Lex finds it … profitable. And the man he buys them off … well, there’s a lot of Polish immigrants in the UK at the moment, and no one cares if a few go missing.”

 

            Mind racing, Lena put the pieces together, her lips parting as her eyes widened in surprise. Rushing towards her mother, Lena grabbed her by the arm and quickly towed her towards the door, fingers fumbling over the locks as she hurried to undo them, before yanking the door open and unceremoniously pushing Lillian out into the hallway. Pausing as her mother gave her a peeved look, Lena felt slightly sheepish, biting her lip as she hesitated.

 

            “If he’s as bad as you say he is,” she slowly said, pursing her lips slightly, “you should leave as well.”

 

            Quietly laughing, Lillian reached out to give Lena’s cheek a quick pat, a gesture that would’ve been affectionate had it come from someone else. Jerking back slightly from her mother’s touch, Lena warily eyes her. 

 

            “I’m his mother. I’ll never leave him.”

 

            “He’ll hurt you if he knows you came to warn me.”

 

            With a faint look of amusement, Lillian raised her eyebrows, her lips curling up into a smile. “I’m touched that you care so much.”

 

            Scoffing, Lena scuffed the floor with her foot, ducking her head down as resentment welled up inside. For all her talk of how much she hated her old life and her family, she couldn’t deny the part of her, albeit a very  _ small _ part, that did care. She hated that it was there, unable to be stamped out, extinguished and forgotten about, but it was there all the same. As much as she’d let go of her old life, it still had its hooks in her, and it was only a matter of time before it reeled her in, pulling her back towards the life of violence. Perhaps not in the same way, but she had the feeling that there’d come a day when she was forced to act to protect the people she cared about - protect them  _ from _ her family - and the things she’d grown up around would be the thing that let her do that. Looking up, she gave Lillian a bitter smile.

 

            “It’s best if you don’t come back.”

 

            Nodding, Lillian turned around and walked down the hallway without another word, and Lena watched her go for a moment, before stepping back inside. The door clicked shut and she stood there for a moment, before exhaling sharply, running a hand through her hair as she closed her eyes. She doubted it was Lillian’s intention for Lena to put the clues together, but she had nonetheless, and she needed to get to the blacksite and let the DEO know. They’d been monitoring Lex’s activities, and the more prominent members of his gang, trying to figure out what he was up to, trying to put an end to it, find a way to find irrefutable evidence to bring them all in, and she realised that they might have a chance. And she needed to tell them now.

 

            Scrambling to grab her coat and slip on her shoes, Lena rushed down the hallway and quietly opened Laurel’s door, grimacing in regret as she walked over to her bed, crouching down and gently shaking her awake. Softly murmuring, Lena eased her out of bed, getting a coat and some shoes out of the closet for her, and helping her daughter into them. She was still half asleep, and Lena grabbed her stuffed duck, before scooping her up and grabbing her keys. 

 

            A few minutes later, her daughter was strapped into her carseat, head lolling as she dozed, and Lena drove them out of the building’s parking lot, headlights cutting through the darkness as she pulled into traffic. The city was quiet at that time of night, and she was restless as she made the familiar trip to work, taking a few turns to shake off any possible tails, not quite trusting her mother, clicking a button on the remote to open the roller door as she drove down the narrow alleyway. Parking in the dark interior of the warehouse, she cut the engine and climbed out, softly murmuring to Laurel as she gently got her out of the car, cradling her head against her shoulder as she tried not to wake her. No one stopped her as she made her way towards the elevator, climbing inside and holding her daughter tightly as they made the lurching trip down a level. Stepping out into the dimly lit open space, Lena looked around, sagging slightly with relied as she saw Hank walk towards her expectantly.

 

            “Sir,” Lena greeted him, a serious look on her face as she nodded, “we need to talk. I have some information you need to know about.”

 

            Expression unreadable, Hank nodded, jerking his head towards the mouth of the hallway leading to his office. Carrying Laurel after him, Lena felt her heart racing in her chest, adrenaline coursing through her body as she hummed with excitement. Perhaps excitement was the wrong word for what she was feeling, but there was a burning triumphant feeling growing inside at the fact that she might’ve just figured out what was going on.

 

            She stopped outside Hank’s office as she opened the door, but he didn’t let her in immediately. His lips twitched slightly, as if he was about to smile. “Put her in one of the bunks.”

 

            Giving him a sheepish look, Lena nodded and walked a little further down the hallway, fumbling for the door handle and pushing it open. A beam of light cut through the dark room, and Lena walked over to one of the bottom bunks, lowering Laurel onto the bed. Tucking a blanket around her, Lena kissed her on the forehead, making sure the stuffed animal was tucked in beside her, and listened to her daughter’s slow, even breathing. Leaving her phone with the torch light on, Lena slowly backed out of the room, the door quietly clicking shut, and she hurried to Hank’s office, quickly rapping on the door before walking in.

 

            He was sitting behind his desk, patiently waiting for her, and he gestured to the seat across from him. Shutting the door behind herself, Lena quickly sank down onto the chair, interlocking her fingers as she pressed her lips together in a line.

 

            “This is a surprise. Your shift doesn’t start until tomorrow morning, and we’re not commonly used as a daycare facility.”

 

            “Sorry, sir,” Lena quickly apologised, feeling her face flush slightly. She was dressed in casual clothes too, wearing a plaid shirt and a pair or jeans, hair unkempt and a pair of fuzzy socks peeking out of the top of her boots, and she hesitantly cleared her throat. “My mother stopped by my apartment.”

 

            That got his attention, and Hank sat forward in his seat, dark eyes lighting up with interest. “Your mother? Why?”

 

            Rubbing at her forehead, Lena closed her eyes and sighed. “She came to warn me about my brother. She said he’s worse. More violent. The human trafficking that you know about? He has kids, little kids! Younger than my daughter. He’s buying them off Ben Lockwood, I  _ know _ he is. That Jensen guy we picked up? He’s Lockwood’s ex-bodyguard, although I doubt that’s what he actually was. He killed a few men from the Mexican cartel here in National City. I think that the drugs and weapons my brother’s exporting are going to the UK, and the people being imported are immigrants sent out by Lockwood. They have some kind of arrangement.”

 

            “You sound sure.”

 

            Letting out an exasperated sigh, Lena grimaced, giving him a solemn look, “I know it all sounds … like a reach, but it’s exactly what he’d do. He buys the drugs from the cartel, weapons from the Russians, and people from Lockwood, and then he sells to all three and makes a profit. It’s how he has the whole city in his pocket. And you’ve been monitoring him for years, you  _ know _ it’s external. This makes sense.”

 

            Hank was silent for a few moments, his fingers steepled as he gave her a scrutinising look, making Lena shift uncomfortably as she fiddled with her hands in her lap and stared at the keyboard of his computer sitting on his desk. Eventually, he sighed, straightening up and nodding.

 

            “As luck would have it, Dox found a name this evening. Does the name Graves mean anything to you?”

 

            Confusion furrowed Lena’s brow as she shook her head. “No, sir.”

 

            “Apparently they’re siblings. Otis and Mercy Graves. Border control has them leaving the country two weeks ago on a flight to London. Both have ties with your brother, and the brother, Otis, is another ex-bodyguard of this Lockwood. I think this is a lot more complicated than we understand. Undoubtedly, they all dance to your brother’s tune, but I’m not sure who’s in charge where, and, quite frankly, I’m not sure whether it’s all your brother’s operation or not. Your family originated in Ireland, correct?”

 

            “Yes, sir.”

 

            “A big crime family over there too, if I’m not mistaken. And Metropolis, before here? The Graves siblings are from there. And a few prominent figures of the Irish mob had dealings with England. It’s possible that your brother’s trying to expand his criminal empire to other cities, and even countries. If he had control of all of the mobs and crime families, then he controls who ships what where, and if he’s the only one importing and exporting illegal goods, then he’s the one making money. It’s a logical plan.”

 

            “What’s our next move, sir?”

 

            “What else did your mother say?” Hank asked, ignoring her question for the time being.

 

            Pausing, Lena chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, trying to withhold the information, but knowing that she’d be putting everyone else at risk too if she didn’t tell him. Sighing, and slouching in her seat, she closed her eyes. “He knows that I’m working with you.”

 

            Eyelids flying open at the swearing that fell from her bosses lips, Lena’s eyebrows rose slightly in surprise, and she straightened up, finding herself suddenly alert by his outburst. Thus ensued a round of question flung at her so fast that it was almost like an interrogation, and Lena hated to admit that she was overwhelmingly underprepared for it, having only tidbits of information, and nothing of any real value from what her mother had said. But much to her irritation, Hank agreed with Lillian on one point.

 

            “You need to get out of town for a few days.”

 

_             “What?!  _ Sir, I-”

 

            “It’s for your own protection, Luthor,” he flatly cut her off, holding a hand up to silence her. Feeling like a sulky child, Lena scowled as she pressed her lips together in a hard line. “It’s not a punishment, it’s a precaution. And if you’re not concerned with your own safety, then think of your daughter’s. Take a week. Go somewhere out of the city, out of the state if you can, and I’ll find out what I can from some sources. If we’re lucky, the only thing he  _ does _ know is that you’re working for the government, and that’s it.”

 

            “But, sir-”

 

            “Spend the rest of the night here. I’ll put you on paid leave tomorrow. Take your firearm with you when you go.”

 

            Resisting the urge to argue the point any further, Lena knew a dismissal when she saw one, fighting back her anger as she nodded, muttered a curt ‘sir’ and stalked out of the office. Outside, in the cool hallway, she took a deep breath and carried on towards the room with all of the bunks. As she went to open the door, it was yanked open, and she came face to face with a mildly perturbed looking Querl, who frowned as he jerked a thumb over his shoulder.

 

            “There’s a child in there. A sleeping child.”

 

            Giving him a tired smile, she clapped him on the shoulder, and gently nudged him aside. “That would be  _ my _ child, Querl.”

 

            “Oh,” he said, nodding to himself as he stepped out of Lena’s way, “that makes sense.”

 

            “Were you napping?”

 

            “Mm, yes, a little. I got called in when Imra uncovered the new names. The Director told you?”

 

            She nodded, kicking off her shoes and tossing her coat over one of the rungs of the ladder leading up to the top bunk. “Yeah, he just finished filling me in.”

 

            “Are you going to bed, or do you want to help me do some research.”

 

            With a grim look on her face, she shook her head, trying to keep the bitterness out of her voice, “can’t. I’ve been benched.”

 

            “Oh … well, sleep tight.”

 

            Giving him a smile, Lena’s anger receded. “Thanks, Querl.”

 

            He left her alone after that, and after sending a quick message to Kara to let her know that she probably wouldn’t be home when her roommate got back from her shift, Lena nudged her daughter over and climbed into bed beside her, staring up at the underside of the bunk above her as Laurel burrowed into her warmth. A small smile curled her lips as she closed her eyes, arms wrapping around her daughter as she held her against her chest. Drifting off to sleep in the bright light of her phone, Lena slept soundly, knowing that she was safe in the DEO headquarters. 

 

            The next morning, she woke to Laurel fllopping across her chest, knocking the wind out of her and making Lena grumble as she struggled upright. A smile split her face as she stared down at the young face, taking in closed eyes, parted lips, stroking dark curls back from round, flushed cheeks as her daughter slept on. Leaning back against the wall, Lena absentmindedly stared at the closed door as she tucked the blankets in tighter around her daughter and let her mind wander. Often, they returned to Kara, and she picked up her phone, realising that it had died during the night. Frowning, she turned towards the light emitted from another phone, and reached for it. It was only just past five o’clock, and the plain, generic screensaver gave her no clue as to whose phone it was. Still, it offered some light, keeping the shadows at bay, and she let Laurel sleep on a little while longer.

 

            The door cracking open, letting in a beam of yellow light, roused her again, and she peered through the dim light to make out the figure that stepped into the room. The light switched on a moment later, at the rustling of the blankets, and Lena squinted through watery eyes, taking in the familiar figure shutting the door. Rubbing her eyes, she stifled a yawn as Imra moved towards her bed.

 

            “Hey.”

 

            “Morning,” the other agent greeted her, holding out a cup of coffee in the mug Lena kept in the common room.

 

            Taking it off her, Lena murmured a quick thanks, taking a sip of it and relishing the taste. She was exhausted, her throat still raspy with sleep, and caffeine was just what she needed to wake herself up. It had been a long day yesterday, and she was anxious to be getting home. Blowing gently on the steaming coffee, she watched Imra scoop down and pick up the phone with the torch light, turning it off and giving Lena a smile as she sat down on the bunk opposite the bed.

 

            “Your phone died and I didn’t want your little one to be scared if she woke up in the dark,” Imra explained.

 

            Smiling, Lena felt a flicker of embarrassment stir inside at the fact that the light had really been for her benefit as much as Laurel’s, and decided to keep that fact to herself. “Thanks.”

 

            “So, you’ve been benched?”

 

            Sighing, Lena gave her a grave look, her frustration welling up as her pride was rankled. “I can look after myself, it’s ridiculous. Leaving the city for a few days won’t change anything.”

 

            “It’s a good idea,” Imra gently said, “you know it is. Besides, it’ll be good for you. Go somewhere sunny, spend some time building sandcastles with your daughter, get a bloody tan.”

 

            Snorting with laughter, Lena took a sip of coffee and flipped her off, but deep down she knew that Imra was right. It would be a chance to relax for a few days and spend some time with Laurel, read her some bedtime stories, play with dolls and Lego, go for walks and maybe watch a few movies. Do normal things that they only had time for on the weekends now. It wouldn’t hurt to spend a few days away from work, but Lena couldn’t stand the thought of other people working to bring down her brother for her. She wanted to be a part of it. If someone got hurt, she wanted to be there and now that it was partly her doing. A part of her felt like she owed it to her coworkers, to be there with them if it all went to shit. But her family would always come first, and if there was a risk that he’d hurt Laurel, then Lena knew she’d go. She didn’t have to like it, but she’d take her daughter and put as many miles between her and Lex as she could.

 

            Imra stayed with her while they enjoyed their coffee together, her shift not starting for another hour, and by the time they were finished, quietly chatting away, Laurel woke up, stretching and staring around with wide brown eyes as she took in the unfamiliar room. Much to Lena’s surprise, Imra was great with kids, and she was quick to give the little girl a wide smile, trying to coax a suddenly shy Laurel out of her shell. Laughing, Lena kissed the top of her daughter’s head and climbed out of bed, and like a shadow, Laurel scrambled after her, clinging to Lena’s leg, and not letting go the entire time that Lena made the rumpled bed up, smoothing out the sheets and neatly putting the pillows back.

 

            Slipping her own shoes on, and grabbing her coat, Lena held onto her daughter’s hand and followed Imra out of the room, keeping up a steady stream of conversation as she carried her empty cup towards the common room. A few other agents finishing up their night shift, or about to start their morning one, were gathered around, and they all fawned over Laurel as Lena washed her cup out, laughing at her uncharacteristically quiet daughter, who was perched on the kitchen counters, trying not to smile at the faces that one man was pulling at her, while Imra snuck her a cookie from a packet hidden in a cupboard.

 

            Lena had to meet with Hank again before leaving, and Laurel was happily content with Imra, giggling as she was tickled by the agent, chocolate smeared on her hands from the cookie, and Lena quickly ducked out. After a few sympathetic words, a quick signature at the bottom of the leave forms, and a holstered gun handed to her, Lena gave him a quick nod and took her leave. When she walked back into the common room, she found Laurel laughing with delight as she clapped at something Querl had done.

 

            Inching closer, Lena watched as he made a quarter appear out of thin air, letting out a snort of laughter, despite the fact that Laurel seemed amazed by it. Patting him on the back, Lena arched an eyebrow, a smile playing on her lips as she looked up at him. “I never took you as a kid person.”

 

            “Everyone finds magic tricks entertaining,” Querl seriously replied, “she’s my most enthusiastic audience yet. The owner of the convenience store around the corner from me didn’t find my disappearing trick very impressive. He thought I was stealing.”

 

            “Maybe I’ll hire you for her next birthday party,” Lena said, giving him a nudge, before smiling at her daughter, “ready to go, Ducky?”

 

            Holding her arms out, Laurel let Lena pick her up, giving her a kiss, and Lena laughed as she gave her a tight squeeze. After a round of goodbyes, stern instructions to enjoy her time off and not get into any trouble, and more serious comments about how they’d sort it all out, Lena made her way back upstairs. Buckling her daughter into her carseat, Lena climbed into the driver’s seat and turned the key in the ignition. The engine purred to life and she slowly drove towards the roller door, which was rising to let bright sunlight stream in.

 

            “Mommy?”

 

            “Yes, baby?”

 

            “Are we going home now?”

 

            “Mhm.”

 

            “Will Aunt Kara be there?”

 

            Smiling as she met her daughter’s eyes in the rearview mirror, Lena nodded, “she should be, honey, why?”

 

            Shrugging, Laurel hugged her duck to her chest, “I just love her.”

 

            “Yeah? So do I. Do you know who else I love?” A slow smile crept onto her daughter’s face, and she laughed as Lena reached behind, blindly fumbling, before she managed to tickle her daughter’s legs, laughing as Laurel squealed and kicked. “You.”

 

            “I love you too, mommy.”

 

            Smiling, Lena drove them the rest of the way home, parking in her usual spot in the garage and taking the elevator up to their apartment. Opening the door, she let Laurel run in ahead of her, and followed at a slower pace, smiling as she watched Kara scoop her up, tossing her into the air and catching her again, the place filled with the sounds of laughter, the TV and the sound of something hissing on the stove as it cooked.

 

            Shutting the door behind her, Lena gave Kara a tired smile, hanging up her coat and kicking off her shoes, before moving into the kitchen to save the bacon, which was starting to blacken as Kara deserted it in favour of wrapped Laurel in a hug and blowing raspberries on her cheek and neck. By the time that the squeals of laughter had died down, Lena had finished off breakfast, pouring cereal into a bowl for Laurel and joining Kara at the table. The three of them ate together in relative ease, although there was slight tension in the air as Lena met Kara’s worried glances, and she couldn’t help but feel like her smiles weren’t convincing.

 

            It wasn’t until after she’d showered and dressed, doing the same for her daughter too, before leaving the little girl to try and piece together one of her puzzles, with the assurance that Lena would help her in a minute, that Kara cornered her. She looked tired after her shift, and would no doubt be heading to bed soon, but the circles under her eyes were clear signs that she’d waited up for Lena to come home after she’d come home to an empty apartment.

 

            “Hey, is everything okay?” Kara murmured, glancing over at the kitchen table, where Laurel had her tongue poking out, a wooden puzzle piece clutched in her hand as she tried to figure out where it went. “You took her to the blacksite last night?”

 

            Sighing, Lena ran a hand through her hair, “it’s nothing, I just- I figured some things out and I needed to tell them, but I couldn’t leave her here, so yeah, I had to take her. And then I didn’t want to move her, so … yeah. It’s fine though.”

 

            “Are you sure?”

 

            “Yeah,” Lena said, giving her a wavering smile, “I mean, no … not really. I, uh, I was thinking, maybe we should get out of town for a few days. Just the three of us.”

 

            A wary look dawned on Kara’s face as she began to suspect that something was wrong. “What’s happened?”

 

            “Nothing,” Lena insisted, “I just- it’s my birthday in a few days too, so let’s go somewhere. Take a few days off work. We can go wherever you want - my treat. Do you want to go to Paris? Paris is good. How about Rome? Amsterdam?”

 

            Spluttering, Kara gave her an incredulous look, a choked laugh escaping her as her blue eyes crinkled at the corners, sparkling with amusement at Lena’s suggestions. “You want to take me to Paris?”

 

            “Anywhere you want.”

 

            “Lena, what’s going on?”

 

            Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lena gave her a worried look, just for a second, before her face arranged itself into a neutral expression. “It’s nothing. My mom just stopped by last night, and Hank thinks it’s a good idea for me to take a few days off.”

 

            “Your  _ mom _ stopped by?  _ Here? _ What’d she say?”

 

            Giving her a grim smile, Lena reached out to take her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, “she just wanted to tell me what my brother was doing. She was … helping. I think. But I just- I think it’s best that we get away for a little bit. You, me and Ducky. I can keep you safe.”

 

            Slowly nodding, Kara frowned, a troubled look on her face as she gave Lena’s hand a squeeze in return. Relief washed through her at Kara’s agreement, and she wrapped her in a grateful hug, breathing in the familiar perfume and laundry detergent. She wouldn’t have felt safe unless she knew that Kara was safe too, but she knew that she couldn’t force Kara to take a few of her sick days either. Pulling back, Lena gave her as bright a smile as she could manage, clapping her hands together.

 

            “Right, so which country?”

 

            Laughing, Kara pressed a hand against Lena’s lower back and guided her over to the kitchen table, dragging her laptop towards her and opening it. “Well, for starters, how about we stay  _ in _ the country, hm?”

 

            “Why? Don’t you want to travel? You know I’d take you anywhere you wanted to.”

 

            Giving her a small smile, Kara’s expression softened, “I know, and maybe one day we will, but if it’s just a few days, how about we go somewhere not  _ too _ far? There’s a place I used to go with my parents all the time when I was a kid. Have you ever been to Sanibel Island?” Lena shook her head, and Kara perked up with excitement, her fingers already flying across the keys. “Well, you and Ducky will  _ love _ it. Trust me.”

 

            “Always.”


	19. Chapter 19

            With their packed bags locked in the trunk of the car, excuses made to Alex and their friends, they bundled themselves up in the car and left the city behind. Lena drove, for the most part, sunglasses shading her eyes as they sped down the highway, making for the south-west of the country, to the little quaint island jutting out from the mainland. They made frequent stops along the way, stretching out their legs, refueling and stocking up on snacks from inside the gas stations. Laurel was content for the most part, listening to the maddening children’s songs that Lena put on the car’s CD player for her, while Kara enthusiastically sang along, trying to engage the little girl in a game of I spy in between bouts of singing. 

 

            The weather grew hotter as they made their way south, and the car became stuffy even with the windows open, making Lena irritable as she dozed lightly in the passenger seat, having swapped with Kara at the last gas station. Lena was starting to wish that they had stayed within California, but Kara had been so excited to show her the place she’d vacationed with her parents that Lena couldn’t possibly say no to the idea. Still, it was a long drive, taking nearly two days, with a stopover at a roadside motel halfway through, when they were both too exhausted to keep driving. It would’ve been easier to fly, and Lena certainly had the means to pay their way, but airports were more easily trackable, and she couldn’t be sure that her brother wouldn’t be watching her. As it was, she was paranoid enough, on the open road with no one following them, and she was glad for the secret gun stashed in her bag. She hadn’t told Kara about it yet, and was waiting until they got to the island before revealing the fact. It would only piss her off, but it was necessary. Especially now, so far away from home.

 

            Nearly two days later, as the sun was rising, painting the sky a fiery orange and pink above the sparkling sea, they arrived on Sanibel island, and with weary satisfaction, Lena followed the instructions to the tiny beach shack that Kara had booked for them. Laurel was sleeping as they pulled up at the cluster of pastel coloured cabins, and Lena carefully eased her out of the carseat, while Kara gathered their bags up, and the three of them walked towards the reception of the place. A woman in a Hawaiian shirt manned the front desk, and she looked at them with boredom as they stepped inside, cool air mercifully washing over them from a creaky fan whirring high up in one corner. Giving her a bright smile, Kara gave their name and was handed a pair of keys in return, and they were turned back out into the early morning sunshine.

 

            Following the earthen path between the shacks, they found theirs close to the start of the beach, salt air and the smell of hot sand giving off a strong summery vibe as Kara climbed the few wooden steps up to the door. Their cabin was peach coloured with white trimmings, and Lena thought it was oddly charming as she carried her daughter up, the fly screen squeaking as Kara pulled it open and fit the key into the lock. Admitting them into the dimly lit room, Kara gave Lena an excited smile over her shoulder and stepped inside.

 

            It was sparsely furnished, dark and smelling faintly of dust and sand, and Kara set their bags down as she let out a relieved sigh, looking around the place with a fondness to her face. There was a small kitchen area, the counters painted a lemon yellow, worn wooden floorboards, a sagging, faded blue sofa set in front of an old TV, and two doors leading off to other rooms. One held an outdated bathroom, the naked bulb harshly illuminating the tacky tiles of the place, and the other held a bedroom. A single bed was pushed up against one wall, while a double was wedged up into the corner of the opposite. Walking over to the beds, Lena carefully set Laurel down on the double for the time being, placing a thin pillow beneath her head and drawing the blinds and curtains to keep the sunlight out.

 

            Walking back out to the living area, she watched as Kara pulled cups of the cupboards and ran the water in the kitchen sink, staring out through the slits in the blinds as she took in the sunny sights beyond the shade of their shack. “What do you think?” she happily asked, looking over her shoulder as Lena appeared behind her.

 

            “It’s … lovely.”

 

            “Sorry it’s not five star, I just- this is the  _ exact _ shack we used to stay in, and I-”

 

            “It’s perfect,” Lena gently assured her, giving her a soft smile, “quiet. We might be able to get a bit of peace here.”

 

            Humming in agreement, Kara brought her over a glass of water, a small smile curling her lips, and gave Lena’s shoulder a quick squeeze. “It’ll do you good to relax a bit. Are you going to tell me the whole truth now? I’m not an idiot, Lena.”

 

            Quietly laughing, Lena shook her head, the sound of her amusement drifting off into a sigh as she gave Kara a wry look. “No. No, you’re anything but that, Kara.”

 

            “So?”

 

            Taking a sip of water, Lena allowed herself a few seconds to collect her thoughts, trying to phrase it in a way that would make it sound less serious. The last thing she wanted was for Kara to worry, yet just the presence of the gun given to her by Hank would make her think it more serious than Lena would like.

 

            “It’s just … my mother came to tell me that Lex is, well, Lex. And that … he knows I’m working with the DEO.”

 

            A small cry of surprise fell from Kara’s lips as she blanched slightly, a momentary look of panic flitting across her face as she gripped her glass tighter in her hand. “Lena-”

 

            “It’s fine,” she soothingly placated her, “I’ve just been benched for a few days, until this whole thing blows over.”

 

_             “Blows over?!” _

 

            “I won’t let anything bad happen to you, you know that.”

 

            “And just  _ how _ are you going to protect us? We can’t stay here forever! I’ve got a job, a family, to go back to.”

 

            Sighing, Lena rubbed the back of her neck, a sheepish look on her face as she ducked her head down to hide it. “Well, you see, I was ordered to take my issued firearm with me, so-”

 

            “You have  _ another _ gun?”

 

            “It’s from work!”

 

            “You have a  _ child _ .”

 

            A spark of anger flared to life as Lena’s cheeks flushed slightly, a dark look on her face as she looked up and met Kara’s own anger. “I damn well know I have a child, Kara. That’s why I have the gun, because I won’t let anyone hurt her, least of all me by letting her get her hands on it. I’m not a fucking idiot, okay? It’s not loaded, it’s in my bag, and no one but me is going to touch it. If something happens- I won’t  _ let _ something happen.”

 

            Running a hand over her face, Kara exhaled sharply, before draining her water and placing it in the sink. She wouldn’t look at Lena, and Lena closed her eyes, a feeling of frustration welling up inside at her roommates stubbornness. Brushing past her, Kara paused, and Lena tilted her head to the side as she gave her a searching look.

 

            “I think I’m going to go and take a nap.”

 

            Running a hand through her hair, Lena softly sighed, “yeah, sure. I’ll go and find a store.”

 

            Eyes gritty from too little sleep, feeling all hot and bothered from the heat making her skin prickle with sweat, Lena wanted to do anything  _ but _ go walking out in the early morning sun, looking for a store to buy some supplies for what was going to seem like a very long three days. She wanted a nice, warm shower, clean clothes and a proper night’s sleep. But she was restless, and staying cooped up inside the tiny shack, with Kara angry at her from the next room over, was even more unbearable. 

 

            With a baseball cap tugged down low on her head, sunglasses shading her face and a shirt tied around her waist, she stepped out of the shack, the screen door banging as it closed, and her footsteps thudded on the wooden stairs as she stepped out into the sun. Her skin was almost luminous in the sunlight, and she grimaced at the heat, already uncomfortably warm despite the early hour of the day, and she slowly wandered back the way they’d come in, passing by the front steps of other shacks. Outside a mint green one, a man in a tank top was already starting on a day of drinking, a young woman in exercise clothes nimbly jogged down the steps of a lavender one, running past Lena as she made for the beach, and a blue one was cluttered with so much fishing equipment that they could’ve opened shop.

 

            It was quiet, the rustling of palm trees and birds accompanying the loud sound of waves crashing on the beach, and Lena found that despite her frustration, it  _ was _ peaceful. If it was just a normal vacation, Lena found that she would’ve enjoyed it, the solitude, the quietness and the knowledge that she’d get to relax for a few days, enjoying the beach and the glistening blue sea. But the threat of her brother loomed over her, poisoning the moment as her mind turned to him as she walked. They hadn’t told anyone but Alex where they were going, as a precaution, but Lena wasn’t scared for them, she was worried about the people she’d left behind. If the DEO made a move against her brother, she wasn’t confident that they’d all pull through the other side. Silently praying that they held off on any surprise raids, or anything of the like, she walked along one of the wide paved streets, watching as the small island slowly came to life. 

 

            Passing by faded shop fronts with racks of surfboards and kayaks being set outside, available for rent, bait and tackle stores wedged in alongside healthy cafes and bike rentals. More than a few people were up and jogging, visors shielding their faces as their sneakers hit the pavement in a steady rhythm, and Lena saw her fair share of shorts and flip flops as everyone walked around in beachwear. Despite the fact that it was still early spring, the whole place seemed to be in perpetual summertime, and she was mildly surprised at the lazy nature of the place.

 

            Finding a convenience store, she grabbed a basket and made her way up and down the snaking aisles, stocking up on things that they needed, and things that she bought anyway. Sunscreen, beer, sausages, cereal, a fishing rod and bucket and spade all accumulated as she broodingly grabbed whatever caught her attention. By the end of her shopping trip, she was left with an armful of bags, trying to balance them as she wedged her new fishing rod under one arm and dangled the bucket around her wrist. She was sweating by the time she made it out of the cool store and back into the heat, finding it hotter than before, much to her dismay.

 

            Starting on her walk back to their shack, she moodily lugged her shopping along with her, feeling the sun hot on the back of her neck as her sneakers struck the sidewalk. Lena was starting to regret not changing out of her jeans before leaving the cabin in a hurry, and she grew crankier with each step as the sun burnt her skin, leaving her feeling itchy and annoyed. By the time the peeling peach paint came into sight, her hair was damp with sweat and her arms felt like lead. Climbing up the steps, she crossed the creaky deck and stepped into the merciful coolness of the place, quietly navigating her way over to the small countertops as she set everything down. 

 

            Pouring herself a cup of water, she drained it and set about putting away all of the immediately in danger items, the ice cream already most likely having melted on the walk home, and worried about the milk curdling if it was left out in the heat for too long. Once she was sure that everything that needed to be kept cold was safely stowed in the fridge or freezer, she crept over to her bag, which lay abandoned on the floor with the others, and rummaged through it, bypassing her holstered, unloaded gun, and pulled out a clean towel and a pair of clean clothes, opting for shorts now. 

 

            Stepping into the dingy bathroom, she set down all of her toiletries on the counter, staring at her ruddy faced reflection in the black spotted mirror, and stripped off her clothes, leaving them in a damp pile on the floor. With an apprehensive look on her face, she slipped on her flip flops, a bit wary about the floor of the shower, and made a mental note to give it a quick clean with the spray she’d bought when she was done. For the time being, she was too desperate for the feeling of cool water and fresh smelling soap to care too much about the cleanliness, although she was sure that it had been cleaned by the staff. For the most part, the place was just rundown in a lovingly worn kind of way, from years of guests vacationing over the spring break or during the summer holidays. 

 

            The water was freezing when she turned it on, and she patiently waited a few moments, before it became clear that the hot water wasn’t quite that, and with an exasperated sigh, she climbed in anyway, her skin instantly soothed by the cold temperature. Soaking her hair, she let water run down her face and back, relishing the feeling for a short while, before she scrubbed herself clean, washing away the sweat and the road, as well as some of her frustration as her muscles unwound. It wasn’t as relaxing as she’d been hoping for though, and before long her teeth were chattering as goosebumps rippled across her pale skin. Quickly washing her hair, the smell of freesias strongly familiar - she’d bought Kara’s favourite brand of shampoo for her - and she sighed as she washed the suds out of her dark locks, shutting the water off and stepping out of the tiny stall. 

 

            Feeling marginally better, she changed into her clean clothes, feeling cooler and refreshed, brushed her teeth, sprayed herself with some sweet smelling perfume and wrapped a towel around her hair, before cleaning up after herself and walking back into the living room. She jumped slightly at the sight of Kara sitting on the sagging sofa, eating a bowl of the cereal she’d just bought, and carried on her way to her bag, stowing her dirty clothes in it for the time being, while the other woman watched some staticky show on the old TV. Straightening up, Lena walked over to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea, opting for something calming before she went to take a nap, and nearly dropped the chipped mug at Kara’s exclamation of surprise. Fumbling to keep a tight grip on it, Lena turned to look at her, wondering if perhaps it was a spider or some other insect, although Kara wasn’t usually one to be scared of them. 

 

            Instead, she found her setting her bowl down on the scarred coffee table and climbing to her feet, a cross look on her tired face as she walked over to Lena. Tutting, she reached out to gently touch the exposed skin at the back of her neck, and Lena winced slightly, feeling a stinging heat where Kara’s fingers grazed her skin. “You're burnt,” Kara quietly chided her.

 

            A sheepish smile on her face, Lena shrugged, “I walked.”

 

            Sighing, Kara rummaged around in the bags, until she came up with a bottle of green after sun, filling the room with the smell of aloe vera as she squeezed some into her hand and tugged Lena closer by the back of her tank top. “You should’ve driven,” Kara curtly replied.

 

            “I needed the fresh air.”

 

            “You won’t be saying that tomorrow,” Kara muttered, clearly still annoyed with Lena, even after a quick nap to take the edge off her cranky exhaustion. 

 

            Biting back a sigh, Lena patiently let Kara rub the soothing gel into her hot skin, the blonde’s fingers surprisingly gentle, even if she was still angry with her. Standing in silence, they listened to the nearby sound of waves, and Lena found herself holding back the apology on the tip of her tongue, knowing that now wasn’t the time to say it, because she wouldn’t have meant it. She wasn’t sorry for doing what she could to protect the two people she loved most in the world, but she could understand why Kara was mad, and knew that, deep down, she was scared.

 

            Almost as if reading her mind, Kara softly sighed, her fingers stilling against Lena’s skin, and she dropped her hand. “I didn’t mean to snap at you earlier,” she murmured in a low voice, staring down at her hands as Lena turned around to face her, finding herself incredibly close to her. It was the closest they’d been in a while, since Lena had hugged her after they’d cleared the air between them, and she felt that rift open up a little again, even as Kara attempted to patch it back up.

 

            “No, I get it,” Lena murmured, reaching out to touch her arm, a lump forming in her throat as she frowned, “I should’ve told you before, I just- I wasn’t sure if you’d come. I know you don’t like guns, and I know that it’s not fair that I keep doing this, but I just want to keep you safe, Kara.”

 

            “I know you do,” she sighed, her eyes fluttering closed, “and I want to keep you safe too. I  _ hate _ that you even have to try and stay safe. I hate that he’s always there, even when he’s not, and that you have to carry a  _ gun _ to feel safe.”

 

            “I know, and I’m sorry. You deserve better than always having to worry because of me. If I was a better person, if I was less selfish, I would’ve left a long time ago.”

 

            Letting out a choked laugh, Kara looked up at her, her eyes shining slightly, and she gave Lena a grim smile. “You tried, remember? But I couldn’t let you go.”

 

            Softly sighing, Lena gave her a pained smile, a deep ache in her chest as her stomach anxiously knotted itself. “I should’ve left anyway.”

 

            “Well, I’m glad you didn’t.”

 

            Choking on a laugh, Lena ran a hand over her tired face, feeling drained and exhausted as her sunburnt shoulders sagged beneath the weight of her heavy thoughts. “As selfish as it sounds, so am I. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

 

            “Probably have no one to tell you to get your ass to bed,” Kara laughed, gently nudging her towards the bedroom door, “go. You look half dead on your feet.”

 

            Nodding, Lena gave her a warm look, reaching out to touch her arm, before she continued on her way. The sheets beside Laurel were rumpled slightly, from where someone had slept on top of the blankets, and Lena climbed onto it beside her daughter, burying her face into the pillow and picking up the smell of Kara’s perfume as she wrapped and arm around Laurel. The room was nearly stiflingly hot, with only a gentle sea breeze sneaking in through the cracked open window, but as hot as it was, she was too tired to even care. Listening to the quiet hum of the TV and the sound of rustling bags as Kara put the rest of the shopping away, she drifted off to sleep. 

 

            Waking up, Lena parted the curtains and winced at the harsh sunlight streaming in through the bent blinds, full daylight bathing everything in buttery yellow light, and she groaned as she rubbed her eyes, feeling more rested, but nowhere near well rested enough. She wagered that she’d had at least a few hours, with the sun’s position high in the sky, and her stomach grumbled from her missed meals. Still sleeping peacefully, Laurel lay stretched out on the bed, taking up a surprisingly large amount of room for such a small person, and Lena gently kissed her dark curls before easing herself out of bed. Shoving her feet into her flip flops, she slipped out into the bright shack, taking in the touches of their presence as she moved towards the open front door.

 

            The screen door squeaked as she pushed it open, blinking back the last bit of sleep as she stepped outside, taking in the sight of Kara sitting on a deck chair, legs propped up on the wooden railings enclosing the porch, a glass of lemonade on the floor and a book open in her lap. She had a National City baseball team cap pulled on and was wearing a ratty NCU t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up, making the most of the warmth as she relaxed in the shade. Looking up at Lena’s arrival, she smiled, setting her bare feet down on the deck and standing up, folding the corner of the page she was on and leaving the book on her chair.

 

            “Hey! You look less tired,” Kara said, giving her a gentle nudge as she smiled, “breakfast? Or lunch? How about I make us some sandwiches?”

 

            “Sure,” Lena tiredly agreed, rubbing her eyes as she squinted at the bright daylight. 

 

            Following Kara inside, they made sandwiches and opened a bag of chips, before making their way back outside, sitting down side by side on the deck chairs as they relaxed in the early afternoon sunshine. Picking her book back up, Kara ate with one hand while she read, and Lena was content to sit in silence, the warm breeze ruffling her dry hair as she quickly devoured her sandwich and looked around the rows of shacks with interest. 

 

            Closing her book, Kara took a sip of her lemonade, before offering it to Lena, who held it in her hand as she gave Kara an expectant look, sensing that she was about to ask something. With an amused look on her face, Kara nodded towards the fishing rod she’d leant against the railing. “So, what’s with the rod?”

 

            Shrugging, Lena took a sip and handed the glass back to her. “I don’t know, fishing’s supposed to be relaxing, isn’t it?”

 

            “Do you even know  _ how _ to fish?”

 

            Scoffing, Lena rolled her eyes, “how hard can it be? You just- you put a hook on and you put it in the water.” Laughing, Kara shook her head, fighting back a smile as she picked her book back up. “What?” Lena indignantly asked, bristling slightly as she pouted.

 

            Raising her eyebrows imperceptibly, Kara gave her an innocent look, her blue eyes shining with humour. “Nothing. Let’s go later. There’s a good place where a lot of people go just a little way down the beach.”

 

            A suspicious look on her face, Lena hesitantly agreed, and they lapsed back into a comfortable silence. Still tired, Lena slipped in and out of sleep, lightly dozing as she basked in the warmth, the sound of the sea, flitting birds darting around as they sang, and the rasping sound of Kara flipping the pages of her book creating a soothing melody. It wasn’t until the sound of footsteps pattering against the wooden floor that she roused herself, blinking herself awake as she watched the door open and Laurel step outside, hair tousled and an excited look on her face as she ran straight to Lena and flung herself in her lap.

 

            Brushing the hair out of her daughter’s face, Lena cuddled her close, smiling softly as she felt small arms wrap around her. “Look who decided to wake up!” she quietly crowed, tickling the little girl on her ribs and laughing as she squirmed and laughed, “did you have a good sleep?”

 

            “Mhm. Are we going swimming now?”

 

            “We can if you want.”

 

            “Yes! Please, please, please,” Laurel begged, throwing her arms around Lena’s neck as she hugged her tightly.

 

            Laughing, Lena stroked her hair and kissed her temple, gently breaking her grip and pushing her back. With a smile playing on her lips, she gave her a playful look, “well if you ask Aunt Kara  _ really _ nicely, maybe she’ll agree.”

 

            Turning to Kara, Laurel gave her an eager smile, brown eyes lit up with excitement. “Aunt Kara, can we  _ please _ go swimming now?”

 

            A thoughtful look on her face, Kara narrowed her eyes as she pursed her lips, before giving the little girl a wide smile, leaning towards her. “Swimming? Hm, are you going to be a good girl? Yeah? Okay then, but you have to do me a favour first, Ducky.”

 

            Giving her a coy smile, Laurel wrung her hands in her lap, her eyes sparkling with mischief, and she eagerly nodded. A smile twitching at the corner of Lena’s lips, she sat with her arms loosely holding her daughter by her waist, running her fingers through her tangled curls as she eyed Kara.

 

            “You have to … give me a big,  _ big  _ hug!”

 

            Squealing with laughter, Laurel kicked as Kara leapt to her feet and scooped her up out of Lena’s lap, laughing as she wrapped her in a bear hug and spun her around. Shaking her head, Lena watched on as a warm feeling of affection spread through her, quietly chuckling to herself as she watched Kara tuck her daughter under one arm and carry her inside. 

 

            A few minutes later, the three of them were ready for the beach, towels rolled up and stowed in a beach bag, sunscreen tucked in beside it, Lena’s fishing rod under her arm, and Laurel sitting on Kara’s shoulders, banging her spade against the plastic bucket as the three of them left their shack. The path to the beach was a straight line between the two rows of cabins, and they kicked up sand as they walked towards the glimmer of blue waves visible through a thin forest of greenery. 

 

            Stepping out onto the beach, they were met with white sand and an abundance of shells, stretching all the way down to the white surf rippling up the shore, and Lena breathed in the briny smell of the sea as she followed after Kara, sticking to the shade offered by the trees as they looked for a place to spread their towels out. In the leafy shadows of a large palm tree, Lena spread hers out, stretching her legs out in front of her as Kara lowered Laurel down onto the sand. As her daughter kicked up a sandstorm, already in motion as she fixated her eyes on the shimmering blue water, Lena leapt up and quickly called her back with a stern voice. Knowing not to push her mother when she used that voice, Laurel started to whine as she walked back over to her and collapsed onto the towel.

 

            Meeting Kara’s amused face, Lena rolled her eyes, before digging the sunscreen out of the bag and forcing her wriggling daughter to sit still as Lena applied it everywhere in a thick, pasty layer so that she didn’t end up following in her footsteps and burning. Satisfied, she turned to Kara, who was stripping off her shorts and t-shirt to take Laurel swimming, an eager look on her face as she slipped off her sunglasses and hat and left them in a pile.

 

            “You too.”

 

            “What?” Kara asked, looking down at Lena with a mildly expectant look on her face.

 

            Waving the bottle at her, Lena beckoned her to sit down, “sunscreen.”

 

            Rolling her eyes, Kara gave her a withering look at the babying, but obligingly stood there and let Lena rub it in everywhere, nervously clearing her throat occasionally as Lena slathered it onto her stomach and thighs, making sure she covered her collarbones and sternum completely. It wasn’t as if they’d never been that close before, and Lena hated to think that she was making Kara feel uncomfortable, but she didn’t want to come back from the beach looking like they’d brought a lobster along with them. 

 

            Once they were both protected from the sun, she set them loose onto the beach, promising to join them for a swim soon, and laughing as she watched Kara race Laurel, their loud laughter drifting back towards her. She laughed as she heard Kara cry out, having stepped on a spiky shell, watching her hop as Laurel excitedly raced on ahead on short legs. Snapping a few photos, she was contented to watch from the shade for a little while, working sunscreen onto her own skin as she listened to the high pitched laughter and outraged splutters from where they splashed each other in the shallows. 

 

            Eventually she ventured out from her shadowy refuge, splashing through the cold water as she let out a wordless cry, laughing as Laurel splashed water at her. Tackling Kara, they both went down, submerged beneath the saltwater, and resurfaced laughing, spitting water and gritty sand out as Laurel splashed towards them, throwing herself on top of Lena as she giggled. 

 

            They swam and splashed each other in the shallows until they were tired and wrinkly, their stomachs rumbling with hunger, and only then did they get out, sand clinging to their dripping wet skin as they made their way back up the beach to their towels. Wrapped up in them, they dried off in the shade, taking in the lower position of the sun and watching seagulls float on the waves as Kara opened a packet of chips and shared them around. 

 

            That night, they ate hotdogs on the porch, watching the sunset beyond the treeline and dusk settle in, attracting a number of bugs to the naked bulb bathing the deck in warm light. Lena and Kara nursed the beers that had been bought at the store, and Laurel slumbered on her chair, exhausted from a day swimming in the sun. Kara was sporting a golden tan already, and the smell of aloe vera and salt clung to them both as they sat out in the warm evening, enjoying the peacefulness as they occasionally spoke in hushed voices.

 

            Later on, when it was time for bed, Lena put Laurel in the single bed, insisting that her and Kara take the double, offering up more space for the two adults, and they climbed into bed, Kara sliding one of her pillows to Lena, who she knew slept on a mountain of them, and they lay there in silence, listening to each other’s slow breathing, feeling heat radiating off them as they lay almost close enough to touch. Lena felt like her whole body was alert at the closeness of her roommate, and she dimly acknowledged the fact that they were breaking one of their old rules, that they wouldn’t sleep in the same bed, even though she knew it didn’t matter now. For some reason, she felt disappointed as she pummeled her pile of pillows into shape and let out a soft sigh. Closing her eyes, she waited for sleep to creep up one her, finding it a long time coming.

 

            The next day, she followed through on her plans to go fishing, standing in the shallows as she cast out her clumsily tied hook and waited for fish to take the bait she’d bought, while Kara read her book as she sunbathed nearby, and they both kept an eye on Laurel, who collected pastel coloured seashells, bringing buckets of them over to the two women to be admired. They walked to the wildlife reserve with the old, rusted lighthouse in the afternoon, letting the little girl see the birds kept there, and smiling as she got excited about the ducks, of all things. 

 

            The third day was their last, and Lena found herself unwilling to give up the peacefulness of their little vacation for their busy city life, full of danger and noise, and she was silent for most of the day, spending it much the same as the last two as they went to the beach. Kara even rented one of the kayaks, and they took turns gliding through the shallows with Laurel tucked in between their knees. That night, they played loud music from Kara’s phone and ate fish and chips, playing round after round of snap, causing an uproar whenever someone one and someone got accused of cheating. By the time they all went to bed, Lena’s stomach was aching from laughing too hard, and she fell onto the lumpy mattress with a smile on her face, her arm instinctively flopping across Kara’s stomach as they lay side by side. She didn’t even realise she’d done it, and was oblivious to her roommates wide eyed stare as she fell straight to sleep.

 

            She woke first in the morning, pushing herself up to take in the lumpy form of Kara, as far on the other side of the bed as she could get, almost on the verge of falling down the gap between the mattress and the wall in her efforts to get away from Lena. It made her forehead pucker with a slight frown, but she pushed the thought of it aside as she climbed out of bed. Stealing the first shower, she packed up her things and made a quick breakfast from their leftover food stores, rousing the two sleeping figures with the insistent warning that they had to leave within the hour.

 

            Much to her dismay, the car was soon loaded up with their bags, the trash had been taken out, and Lena had even gone to the house with all the rods and snuck hers in amongst the impressive display. With a happy smile on her lips, she watched the sunrise from between the trees at the end of the sandy path and climbed into the driver’s seat, waiting for Kara to return from the receptionist’s office. Despite her initial reservations, it had been fun, and exactly what she’d needed to take her mind off her family. In fact, she’d barely thought about them at all, and she beamed at Kara as she appeared, climbing into the passenger seat with a mild look of surprise on her face at the warmth of Lena’s smile.

 

            “All good?”

 

            Nodding, Lena reached out to touch the back of her hand, “yeah, really good. Thank you for this. It was perfect. I see why you like it so much now.”

 

            Eyes crinkling at the corner, Kara smiled at her, buckling her seatbelt up and relaxing into the leather seat. “Yeah? Well maybe we can come back next year.”

 

            “Only if we can fly,” Lena darkly replied, eliciting a laugh from her passenger as Kara slipped a pair of sunglasses on over her eyes. 

 

            “Deal.”

 

            Smiling softly to herself, Lena drove away, passing through the sleepy island as she resigned herself to another two days of driving. Miles flew past as she drove through the southern states of the country, alternating with Kara as the driver, restlessly trying to sleep in the passenger seat when she wasn’t behind the wheel, and they resumed their childish games to keep Laurel occupied when she wasn’t sleeping too. Making a stopover at the same motel they’d stayed in on their way, they got a grubby room for the night and caught a few hours of sleep before hitting the road again. A quick shower and some vending machine snacks did wonders for them all, fuelling them with sugar until they hit the diner with the good pancakes that they’d stopped at on the way to Florida. 

 

            By the time they were heading into National City with the stream of early morning traffic, they were all sleepy and ready for home. Lena had spent that last twelve hours driving, with Kara catching as much sleep as she could before her shift at noon, and her body was stiff from the cramped position as she finally pulled into the parking garage beneath their building. Groaning as she gathered their things out of the trunk, prodding Kara awake and coaxing her daughter out of the back, she made her way to the elevator, and the three of them silently went upstairs.

 

            Without a word, they all went straight to bed, and Lena didn’t stir again until she heard a loud bang from the kitchen a few hours later. Creeping out of her room, she was greeted with the smell of coffee, and accepted one off a frazzled looking Kara, before they slipped out onto their balcony and breathed in the familiar greasy, diesel smell of their city. Despite their relaxing time away, Lena found that she  _ did _ love it in National City. She just wished it was safer there for her family. Still, standing amongst the tiny green shoots of the plants crowding the balcony, with Kara beside her as they leant against the wall, she couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. She didn’t  _ want _ to be anywhere else.

 

            Gently bumping her with her shoulder, Kara gave her a tender smile a while later, when their coffee cups were empty and the sun was about to hit its peak. Stepping back inside to their cool apartment, Kara went to get ready for work, and Lena lovingly put together a packed lunch for her, snacking on carrot sticks as she cut some vegetables up for her, hiding them beneath the packet of mini cookies in the hopes that Kara would eat something healthy for a change.

 

            Wishing her roommate a good day at work, Lena waved her off a short while later, finding herself at a loss of what to do, now that she was home again, and still off duty. First things first, she took a shower, taking her time in the luxury of the warm water, using Kara’s favourite shampoo as she washed the last of the salt from her tangled hair, and changed into some casual clothes to lounge around the apartment in.

 

            Trying not to wake Laurel, she tidied up, sorting through their bags, safely stowing her gun on the highest shelf in the kitchen cupboards, out of reach for little girls, and sorted their laundry into piles, before putting a load on. Patiently waiting for it to finish, she set the kitchen radio to a mellow channel and listened to the quiet music, making a shopping list for herself and making a mental note to visit the store tomorrow. Really, she was just killing time while she waited for a call off Hank, who knew that she’d be back by now.

 

            The afternoon wore on, still with no call, and she found herself growing a little disgruntled by the fact that she didn’t even know if she was returning to work tomorrow. Sam stopped by after her shift ended, listening to Lena’s complaints about her job with a sympathetic look on her face, and asking how their trip had gone. They drank coffee while Ruby played with Laurel, assuming the role of the patient, and Lena found herself grateful for the company, finding that she’d actually missed the other woman’s calm demeanour, despite the fact that she’d only been gone for a week. With her hectic work schedule, on top of Sam’s busy life with her own job and family, it felt like they hadn’t had the proper time to catch up in a while, especially not with Kara slyly sabotaging plans when she’d been avoiding Lena.

 

            When she waved her friend goodbye from the front door, she felt lighter inside, thinking about how things in National City were still good, even amidst all of the bad. Despite it all, she still had her friends, and they were all still safe. They’d made plans for another game night of Friday, with their usual gang being invited, and Lena found herself excited to see everyone. A few days of peace and quiet had been a much needed reprieve, and she found herself a lot more agreeable, for the time being, although it was sure to wear off. A part of her felt like she was walking on eggshells, pretending that everything was fine, and that she’d just gotten back from a lovely vacation spent at the beach. In reality, she’d been run out of the city so that her brother didn’t brutally hurt her and the people she loved. There’d been no word of him the entire time she’d been gone though, and a tiny part of her had been hoping for a phone call to say that they’d caught him while she’d been off learning how to fish.

 

            She spent the rest of the afternoon brooding as she played with her daughter, coming up with fanciful games with Barbie dolls and action figures, building castles out of Lego bricks and hosting a tea party for all of Laurel’s stuffed animals, when a knock at the door eventually tore her away from it. Climbing to her feet, she dusted off her hands and walked over to the door, peering through the peephole, her stomach lurching at the sight of her boss standing on the other side, and she quickly fumbled for the locks as she eagerly opened the door.

 

            “Director Henshaw, sir,” she greeted him, giving him a polite, yet reserved smile.

 

            He gave her a curt nod in return, a serious look on his stony face, and Lena’s smile dropped as her stomach lurched again, uncomfortably this time. Something was wrong, and she felt the blood drain from her face as she looked up at him expectantly. The moment of blissful peacefulness had been too good to be true, and she swallowed the lump that rose in her throat as she glanced back over her shoulder at her happily occupied daughter, before looking back at Hank.

 

            “What is it?” Lena anxiously asked, her face grave with concern as she stepped out into the hallway, pulling the front door nearly all the way closed as she looked up at her boss.

 

            “Imra.”

 

            The air was knocked out of Lena’s lungs as she sagged slightly, feeling as if she’d been punched in the stomach, and Hank reached out to steady her as her eyes widened. “What happened?”

 

            “She’s okay,” he soothingly assured her, a solemn look on his face, “she was shot, but she’s going to be fine. It missed all of her vital organs. She just- she’s on bedrest, and they’ll let her out of hospital in a few days. I just wanted to tell you first, and tell you that it wasn’t your fault.”

 

            Mouth dry with fear, Lena let out a slightly hysterical laugh, a dazed look on her face as she looked up at him and gave him a strained smile, “of course it’s my fault. When is it ever not? Everyone around me gets hurt. I should’ve know that-”

 

            “You couldn’t have known,” he gently stopped her, a heavy hand on her shoulder as he gave her a kind look. Lena found herself feeling very undeserving of it, and she couldn’t look him in the eye as she ducked her head down, her stomach knotting itself in fear.

 

            “Were there- did anyone else …”

 

            “Two. It was Taylor. He’s the one who betrayed us and sold you out to your brother. It’s his fault, not yours. I need you to know that, Lena.”

 

            Drawing in a shaky breath, she nodded, her voice trembling as she spoke, on the verge of tears. “Yes, sir.”

 

            He paused for a moment, withdrawing his hand, and Lena swallowed the lump in her throat as she blinked back the burning feeling in her eyes. “There’s another matter I need to speak with you about.”

 

            Looking up at the seriousness in his voice, she looked at him expectantly, the lines of her face hard as she pressed her lips together in a hard line. She wouldn’t fall apart in front of him, and even if he told her not to blame herself, she still did. Two agents were dead, and one of the few people she cared about had been shot. Even if it hadn’t been because she sold them out, it was because she worked for the DEO, and that fact had pissed her brother off, and that was on him. Standing tall and proud, her jaw stubbornly set, she looked at him, waiting for whatever it was that he had to say next.

 

            “In light of … recent events, your safety is at risk, so I’m transferring you.”

 

            Spluttering with outrage, Lena gave him a defiant look, stubbornly raising her chin, “sir, with respect, I don’t-”

 

            He held up a hand to silence her, rankling Lena’s pride slightly as she was cut off mid-sentence, pressing her lips together in a hard line as she forced herself to hold her tongue. There were times when it was hard for her to swallow her pride and follow orders, and at times like this, when it was made clear that she wasn’t in charge, she had to stamp down the bitterness that welled up inside.

 

            “You’re being transferred to one of our European offices. London. You’ll be working with a trusted MI-6 operative, and report back to your superiors over there. You should know that everything we’ve been working on at our black site is confidential information, which you’re not to disclose to anyone else, including other DEO members. Your flights have been booked for Wednesday.”

 

            “Sir, I can’t leave my life behind. I have a daughter! I have people I love here. They won’t be protected if I’m gone! My brother-”

 

            “These are orders, Agent,” the Director bluntly cut her off, although there was a look of pity and understanding in his dark eyes. “We’re the Department of  _ External _ Operations. You’re being assigned to an  _ external _ assignment. You’re the one who helped figure out what your brother was doing over there; you can be the one to dig deeper. I’m sorry, but it’s for your own protection, as well as the safety of the organisation. And if it gives you some peace of mind to know, your roommate will be protected by our people. Agent Ardeen is being pulled from active duty, so I’m sure she’ll be glad for the task.”

 

            Opening and closing her mouth, Lena struggled to find more objections, sure that there were more of them, but no sound came out. Faltering, she felt her stomach drop at the thought of being sent away. Away from Kara. An ache in her chest made her wrap her arms around herself, as if she was trying to keep her feelings inside, but she could feel panic creeping up on her, her breathing hitching as she tried to swallow her fears. Taking her silence for acquiescence, Hank nodded, a stoic air about him as he delivered the hard news, and he turned to leave, taking a few steps, before he turned back around.

 

            “Also, there’s something else. We have your mother in our custody.”

 

            A small sound of surprise worked its way up Lena’s throat, falling unbidden from her lips, and she found herself speechless again, choking on her shock as she watched her boss turn around keep walking. Left standing alone in the hallway, she couldn’t bring herself to move for a few moments, until a clattering sound of something crashing to the floor broke her out of her trance and she slipped back inside.

 

            Shutting the door behind herself, she leant back against the wood, taking in the sight of her daughter surrounded by wooden building blocks, the source of the noise, and Lena felt tears sting her eyes. Looking around the place, she took in the coats hanging up beside the door, hers beside Kara’s, beside Laurel’s, her favourite mug draining on the rack beside the sink, the flowers that Laurel always picked when they were to the park sitting on the counters in a glass, and Kara’s glasses abandoned on the table. A yearning feeling filled her as she looked around at all the small things she’d always taken for granted, and she felt her heart break, just a little. It had never occurred to her that she’d have to leave.

 

            Of course, she knew that it wouldn’t last forever. One day, Kara would move out, start her own family with someone else, out in the suburbs, and Lena would be left with a half-empty apartment, but she’d never imagined that she’d be the one to leave. Leave like this. Drawing in a shaky breath, she pushed off the door and walked over to her daughter, sinking down onto the floor and giving her a convincing smile, before she pushed the thoughts aside and allowed herself to become absorbed in the task of building the tallest tower that they could manage. The whole time, a hollowness filled her, and she tried her best to keep a smile on her face for the sake of Laurel, but it was an effort, and by the time she’d finished reading her daughter a bedtime story, she was exhausted.

 

            Unable to even muster up the energy to cook herself some dinner, she poured cereal and milk into a bowl and curled up on the sofa, starting at the empty grate as she thought about what she’d been told. It only gave her less than two days to get everything sorted out. She had to go to the hospital and visit Imra, pack her things, find out what was going on with her mom, and on top of all of that, break the news to Kara. The latter made her stomach twist uncomfortably just thinking about it, and her cereal turned to ash in her mouth. 

 

            Her appetite lost, she made her way back to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of red wine, abandoning her dinner in the sink. Knocking the glass back with ease, she refilled it and ran a hand through her hair, fighting back angry tears as she thought about how she’d been ordered around like a puppet lately, and was expected to go along with it, dancing to whichever tune Hank played. Instead, she felt like the strings had been cut from above her, making her want to collapse to the floor and sob until she’d gotten rid of the sadness that was brimming inside. It wasn’t fair, and Lena didn’t care if it made her sound like a petulant child to think that she deserved better, but she didn’t deserve this. Her whole life was in National City, before and after Kara, and to be uprooted would mean to leave it all behind, which was the purpose, but an unwanted solution to her problem.

 

            She was sitting at the kitchen table when Kara’s key sounded in the lock not too long later, her shift over and a tired look of relief on her face as she quietly let herself in. Hanging up her coat and dropped down her kit, she walked over to the counters and set down a bag, sighing heavily as she brought the contents out.

 

            “Hey! I thought you might’ve already eaten, but I brought donuts just in case.”

 

            Tapping the top of the container, she continued to pull out her dinner, spreading white cartons everywhere, while the smell of Chinese food filled the apartment. Despite her meager, half-eaten meal of cereal, Lena found that she wasn’t hungry. Not in the slightest. Instead, her stomach was roiling with nauseous unease, and she stiffly sat in her chair, trying to pluck up the courage to speak as Kara babbled on about the dishes she’d brought home, and would share if Lena wanted some too.

 

            “Kara, we need to talk,” Lena gently interrupted her.

 

            Something in her voice must’ve tipped the blonde off to the fact that something was wrong, with Kara quickly whipping her head around to take in the drawn look of resignation on Lena’s face. Quickly rounding the island counters, Kara rushed over to her, blue eyes filled with anxiety as she bit her bottom lip in worry. 

 

            “What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

 

            “I-” Lena started, before she faltered. Clearing her throat, she tried again, meeting Kara’s eye, even though every part of her wanted to look away, not wanting to tell her that she was leaving. She owed Kara that much at least though, so she forced herself to steadily look her in the eye. “I’m leaving.”

 

            The was a moment of heavy silence, and Kara’s look of concern deepened to confusion, as if she couldn’t quite comprehend what Lena was saying. After a few seconds, Kara shook her head, her forehead furrowed with a frown, and she drew back slightly. “What? No.”

 

            “I’m sorry-”

 

            “Is this about what I said?” Kara flatly asked, a pleading look on her face as she stepped closer again, an urgency to her voice as she reached out for Lena, taking hold of her hands. “If this is about what I said- if the way that I feel- just forget about it. It doesn’t matter. I don’t-”

 

            Tears welling up in her eyes, Lena gave her a tight smile, shaking her head as she gave Kara’s warm hands a quick squeeze. Drawing in a shuddering breath, she closed her eyes, a frown giving her a solemn look, and ducked her head down for a moment. Her shoulders went slack as she exhaled forcefully, sniffing as she looked back up at her roommate.

 

            “No, it’s not about that. I wouldn’t- you know that you mean everything to me. That wouldn’t change a thing at all. It’s … work. Things went … bad while we were gone. People were hurt. They’re worried about my safety, if my brother … so I’m being reassigned. To London.”

 

            There was a brief pause, and Kara’s face crumpled as a confused look flashed across her features. “London? Like … the one in England?”

 

            Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lena gave her a devastated look, “I’m sorry. I don’t have a choice.”

 

            “No,” Kara quietly said, a look of disbelief clouding her features, “no, no, you can’t just  _ leave _ . What about us? What about Ducky? You can’t just  _ take _ her away from me.”

 

            Letting out a shaky breath, Lena screwed her eyes shut, holding her hands up to try and calm Kara down. “Just … hang on a second, okay. Let me explain it properly.”

 

_             “How?” _ Kara asked, a near hysterical laugh bubbling up.

 

            “I- I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell you, except that I have to go and I don’t want to.”

 

            “Then don’t go!”

 

            “Kara, it’s a direct order. I can’t just disobey it.”

 

            “Well then … quit. You’re not doing it for the money, so just quit.”

 

            Softly sighing, Lena ran a hand over her face, a weariness filling her as her heart sank. Every part of her wanted to agree with her, tell her that she’d resign tomorrow and they could continue to live in the bubble of safety that their apartment offered them. But the truth of the matter was that it was a glass bubble, and it was already beginning to crack. Lex had sent his men there once, leaving dead bodies on the sidewalk outside their front door, and he was more than likely willing to do it again. Her resigning solved nothing. And it would be selfish of her to stay and put her family at risk, when she could go away for a few months and bring him down. Imra would protect Kara, and Lena trusted her partner wholeheartedly, so she’d do the selfless thing and go, no matter how much it hurt.

 

            “I wish that I could,” Lena told her, unable to keep a slight tremor out of her voice, “you have no idea how much, I just- I have to do this, Kara. If I go … we can stop his operation, bring him in and lock him away. And you’ll be safe if-”

 

            “I don’t care about myself! I care about  _ you!” _

 

            Face crumpling, Lena gave her a pleading look, pulling her closer by the hand, until Kara snatched it away, a wounded look in her eyes as she cocked her head to the side, giving her a yearning look. “I care about you too,” Lena quietly replied, her voice cracking as she spoke, “and I don’t- I don’t know who I am without you. I don’t know how to be a mom if you’re not there, but if I stay … I might lose you forever.”

 

            Scuffing her work boot along the wooden floor, Kara ducked her head down, no doubt blinking back tears, and awkwardly cleared her throat. “Fine. It’s … whatever. Just let me know how much the rent and bills are and-”

 

            “I don’t want you to pay rent and bills,” Lena sharply replied, her irritation getting the better of her, “God, Kara, I don’t  _ want _ this, okay? This is my home, with  _ you _ . And I know it’s shit, and I wish that I didn’t have to, but … it’ll just be for a few months. It’ll all get sorted out, and then it’ll all go back to normal.”

 

            Looking up, Kara gave her a stony look, “and what if it’s longer than a few months?”

 

            “I- well I-” Lena floundered, not knowing how to answer that. She didn’t want to be parted from Kara at all, with oceans separating them - not for a single moment, let alone months. “I don’t know, Kara. I just- I know that it won’t be forever. And I’m sorry that it’s happening so quick.”

 

            “When?”

 

            Wincing slightly, Lena gave her a pleading look for her to be understanding, “Wednesday.”

 

            “This Wednesday?” Kara asked, blanching slightly when Lena nodded, “that’s in  _ two _ days.”

 

            “I only just found out. I’m sorry,” Lena whispered, her eyes stinging with fresh tears as she let out a shaky breath, curling her hands into fists as she tried to stop them from trembling.

 

            Swallowing thickly, Kara silently nodded, and, having nothing more to say, turned and walked towards the hallway leading to her room. A moment later, the shower started up, and Lena sighed, before wearily plodding towards her own room, feet dragging as her shoulders bowed underneath her grief. It hurt to leave behind people she loved, and Kara most of all, and she found her face becoming wet as tears welled up and spilled over, leaving wet tracks down her pallid cheeks. Changing into a pair of pyjamas, she switched all the lights off - a rarity for her - and climbed under the covers, pulling it up over her head as she buried her face in a pillow and let out a muffled sob. Before she could stop herself, her body was wracked with them as she cried, so much pent up guilt and frustration pouring out as the yawning hollowness within her seemed to grow. 

 

            A knock on her door made her pause, a shudder running through her body as she clapped a hand over her mouth, trying to keep a sob from escaping her, and she stayed curled up beneath the blankets, ignoring it. They had very little personal boundaries though, and Kara let herself into her room anyway, the door softly clicking closed behind her and her heavy footsteps padding over to the bed. The mattress jostled as she sat down on the edge of it, and Lena let out a shaky breath as she moved her hand away, eyes squeezed shut as she stayed hidden under the blankets. She couldn’t face Kara again without crying.

 

            Cool air washed over her face though as she blankets were gently pulled down, unveiling her, and she felt Kara shift, a warm weight resting on her shoulder a moment later. It took her a second to realise that it was Kara’s head, resting against her, her blonde hair spilling around her and tickling Lena’s neck, and she couldn’t stop the strangled sound the fell from her lips. With a sharp exhale, Kara gently shushed her, her own voice uneven and oddly thick, but the gentleness of her voice only served to make Lena sob even more, quietly sniffling as tears soaked the pillow beneath her.

 

            “I’m sorry,” Kara whispered, her voice cracking slightly, her voice muffled from her hunched over position. “I just- I don’t want you to go.”

 

            “I d-don’t want to leave.”

 

            “Then I’ll come with you.”

 

            She choked on a sob at Kara’s words, struggling upright and wiping at her face as she gave the shadowy figure a troubled look. “You c-can’t come with me, Kara.”

 

            A warm hand gripped her arm in the dark, and she could envision the eager look on Kara’s face. “I can! I can just … take my vacation time. I can do some travelling, like I always said I would. You won’t have to be alone.”

 

            Sniffing, Lena let out a heavy sigh, her heart aching for her best friend, “and I love you for saying you would, but you can’t. This is something I-I have to do for myself. For both of us.  _ I  _ need to fix this.”

 

            “But what am I going to do without you?” Kara asked in a small voice.

 

            Swallowing a sob, Lena reached out for her, the back of her fingers tenderly stroking Kara’s cheek in the dark, and she felt wretched inside for leaving her. “You … are going to save lives. You’ll have Alex, and your friends, and we’ll talk every day. You’ll come and visit, and I’ll visit too, and we’ll be okay. It’ll all work itself out.”

 

            She found herself growing braver with each word, even if the last ones were lies that cut deep in her heart as she spoke it, but for Kara’s sake, she said it anyway. The truth was that Lena didn’t know who she was without Kara. For four years, she’d relied on her in more things than she’d care to admit, and at times, she’d been the only thing holding her together. No matter how much she loved her daughter, she knew that without Kara, she would’ve fallen apart a long time ago. She’d never learnt to be on her own, and she didn’t  _ really _ know what it felt like to be a single parent, and Lena was terrified of all the changes moving would bring. 

 

            She was scared, but she couldn’t bring herself to confide her fears in her roommate, to make it harder than it already was, so she bit back the words and stuffed them deep down where she could avoid them, and focused on convincing Kara that it’d all be okay. But the truth was, she wouldn’t be fine at all.


	20. Chapter 20

            The next morning, she woke up to her face pressed up against Kara’s back, eyes gritty from crying, and a knot of tension within her as she pushed herself up, digging the heels of her palms into her eyes. Kara shifted beside her, still sound asleep, and Lena stared down at her for a moment, taking in the fluttering eyelashes, slightly parted lips and the gentle rise and fall of her chest. A bitter feeling of regret welled up inside Lena, and she angrily tore back the covers, climbing out of bed and leaving her roommate to sleep.

 

            Setting a pot of coffee on, Lena ran a hand over her weary face and thought about leaving. There were so many things to sort out, but she was leaving tomorrow. It was all happening so quickly, with no time for her to come to terms with it, and she brooded over the thought of everything she had to do that day as the rich aroma of coffee filled the kitchen. Checking her emails as she sat at the kitchen table, blowing on the steaming cup, she looked at the travel itinerary that had been forwarded to her and slammed the screen shut. Their flight wasn’t until late tomorrow evening, meaning that she’d arrive in London the following morning. Laurel had never been on a plane, and just the thought of managing a small child in a confined cabin was enough to make her worry. Quickly opening the laptop again, she angrily started to write an email back to Querl, who had sent the itinerary to her, informing him that she’d book her own flights. If she was going to be forced to leave, she’d do it in the luxury of first class, a liberty that a government organisation couldn’t afford her.

 

            With grim satisfaction, she booked her own flights and then drained her coffee, relishing the bitter taste as she felt herself fully wake up. Walking towards the bathroom, she quickly showered, before wrapping herself in a bathrobe and making her way back into the kitchen, where a bleary eyed Kara had emerged, pouring herself some coffee as she stood in the soft glow of the early morning sunshine. Grabbing Lena’s empty cup, abandoned on the counter, Kara silently filled it up for her and held it out, waiting for Lena to take it, before brushing past her and moving towards the balcony door.

 

            Following after her, Lena stepped out into the crisp morning air, the smell of dew and sunshine a familiar comfort as she took in the sight that she was accustomed to. Red and grey bricked buildings, pipes and vents sprawling out across empty rooftops, neon signs lighting up shop fronts of places she’d been in and out of with frequent ease over her time in the apartment. There was a homely feeling to the small balcony with its plants getting ready to bloom in the spring, the soccer ball and the watering can tucked away in a corner. Even the way the sun reflected off the windows opposite them as the sun broke through the skyscrapers brought a unique feeling of warm familiarity. 

 

            Leaning against the brick wall, listening to pigeons coo as they rustled about on the rooftop above her, Lena found a lump forming in her throat. There had been a time when she would’ve jumped at the opportunity to leave National City behind, to put as much distance between herself and her family as she could. The grey streets of London, with its perpetual rain clouds and clogged up inner city, would’ve been a welcome escape. But that was before Kara. Before she’d found a real home, with a real family. She’d never been one to miss people, but the fact of the matter was that she’d never had anyone to miss before. It was an unusual concept, and she wasn’t quite sure how it would feel, and wasn’t all that eager to find out. 

 

            “I’ll look after Ducky today,” Kara eventually said, breaking the easy silence, “so you can … sort things out.”

 

            Closing her eyes, Lena slowly breathed in, before softly sighing. She pressed her lips together in a hard line, unable to look at her roommate as she swirled her coffee around in her cup. She didn’t  _ want _ to sort things out. She didn’t want to buy suitcases that she’d never had a need for, or gather together a few measly things and pack them away, figure out what was important enough to take or leave, and make the rounds to all of her friends and say goodbye. Then there was the job of visiting Imra in hospital, and seeing her mother, to find out what she’d missed, to say goodbye to them as well. It was going to be a long day, and she wouldn’t even get to spend it with her daughter and Kara. Laurel didn’t even know she would be leaving her home in a day’s time. That would be a whole other type of difficult, trying to explain why they were going, and why Kara wasn’t coming with them. 

 

            Eyes burning slightly, Lena chased the thoughts away and hesitantly cleared her throat, aware of the fact that she’d been silent for just a moment too long. She could feel Kara staring at her, and she forced herself to give her a fake smile and look at her. “Thank you.”

 

            Nodding, her usually cheerful friend drained her coffee and walked back inside, leaving Lena standing outside to watch the city come to life on her own. When the smell of the first loaves of bread being baked in the bakery on the corner reached her, she let out a sigh of resignation, finished off her coffee and walked back inside. 

 

            Kara was curled up on the sofa in her pyjamas, watching TV and eating a bowl of cereal, with the intention of being left alone, and Lena guiltily stayed out of her way, doing the laundry and setting aside a few pieces to take with her. It was a quiet morning, spent making a pile on the kitchen table, getting together all the bits and pieces that she’d need to take. 

 

            When Laurel woke up, she curled up, bleary-eyed and quiet, beside Kara, the two of them sharing a blanket as Kara flipped the TV over to cartoons. Lena took in the sight for a moment, a sharp ache appearing in her chest, before she turned away and went to get dressed. Wearing one of her nicer dresses that she wouldn’t be taking with her, assuming that she wouldn’t have much time for elegant parties while trying to dig up dirt on her brother’s plans, she did her hair and makeup and went to tell Kara that she was leaving. Kissing her daughter goodbye, she went downstairs and climbed into her car.

 

            The first stop was a nearby florist, where she picked out a pretty bouquet to take to the hospital with her, before nervously making the drive there. Stepping into the air conditioned building, the smell of antiseptic and stale air washed over her, and as she followed the directions she’d asked Querl for, she felt her stomach shift uncomfortably, the thought of so much sickness surrounding her making her uneasy. 

 

            When she reached Imra’s ward private room, she was relieved to see the other woman sitting upright against a mountain of pillows, a newspaper open and obscuring most of her face, and Lena felt some of the tension bleed out of her as she knocked on the open door. With a rustle, the newspaper was lowered to reveal a wan face and tired eyes, but Imra’s smile was just as genuine and warm as always.

 

            “Hi,” Lena softly greeted her, lingering outside with uncertainty, “can I come in?”

 

            Folding the newspaper in half, Imra tossed it to the foot of the bed and nodded, watching Lena as she stepped inside and shut the door behind her. Holding up the flowers, Lena moved over to the nightstand already crowded with some, and set her bouquet down amongst them, before pulling up a chair beside the bed.

 

            “Let me guess; you blame yourself?” Imra said, a wry smile on her lips as she arched an eyebrow at Lena.

 

            Wincing slightly, Lena frowned, fiddling with her hands in her lap as she avoided the other woman’s keen stare. Swallowing thickly, Lena nodded. “Well it  _ is _ because of me.”

 

            Letting out a hoarse laugh, Imra reached out to gently punch her shoulder, and Lena looked up in surprise. Rolling her eyes, Imra smiled faintly, although the lines of her face and her general pastyness didn’t quite fit the dismissiveness of her actions. “If it makes you feel better, I called the strike on one of your brother’s secret spots. You know the one under that club on Thirty-First? So I guess it’s my own fault I got shot. Should’ve seen it coming.”

 

            “Where did you-”

 

            Lena trailed off, but she didn’t have to elaborate. With a faint look of amusement, Imra pushed the scratchy green blankets down and hitched up the thin hospital gown to expose the tanned skin of her stomach. A large white patch had been placed over the left side, hiding the stitched up bullet wound, and Lena nodded, watching as the patterns gown fell back down and hid it from sight. Pulling the blankets back up, Imra let out a heavy sigh.

 

            “Missed all my internal organs, which is good. But Henshaw’s still benching me for the foreseeable future. You’ll need to get yourself a new partner for a while,” Imra said, giving her a playful smile.

 

            Lips parting slightly in surprise, Lena stared at her for a long moment, before clearing her throat. “He didn’t tell you?”

 

            “Tell me what?”

 

            “I’m being transferred. To London. It’s just for the time being, until things … well, until it’s safe.”

 

            Making a choked sound, Imra gave her a confused look, “you’re  _ leaving? _ When?  _ Why?  _ What about that pretty paramedic?”

 

            Letting out a strained laugh, Lena ran a hand through her hair and gave her friend a forlorn look. “Tomorrow. I don’t have a choice, it’s a direct order. Kara … she’s- well, she’s staying here. And you’re being assigned to her as her personal security.”

 

            “What the fuck, Lena.”

 

            “I know.”

 

            “We’ve been running this operation for  _ years! _ It could be years more before we take him down. You can’t stay in London for  _ years!” _

 

            Gritting her teeth, Lena fought back the irritation that welled up inside.  _ “I know.” _

 

            “So this is goodbye then, huh?”

 

            Giving her a grim smile, she nodded, “yeah, and to tell you that if you get hurt again I’ll kick your ass.”

 

            Laughing, Imra gave her an exasperated look, “don’t worry, Luthor. I’ll keep your girl safe.”

 

            “She’s not-” Lena started to protest, before cutting off and letting out a withering sigh, giving Imra a pointed look. “Thank you. But look after yourself too. I don’t have enough friends to risk losing any.”

 

            “Oh so we’re friends now, huh?”

 

            Rolling her eyes, Lena climbed to her feet, reaching out to give Imra’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. A smile played on her lips as she gave her a warm look, and Imra nodded in understanding, reaching up to cover Lena’s hand with her own.

 

            “Look after yourself,” her friend ordered her.

 

            “Yeah, you too. Keep an eye on Querl too, yeah?”

 

            “Yes, boss.”

 

            Laughing, Lena shook her head, an amused look on her face, and trailed off into a heavy sigh. “I’ll see you soon.”

 

            With that, she left, feeling a little more at ease, knowing that her friend was okay. There was still a knot of unease inside her though as she made her way back through the hospital and out into the weak sunshine, sliding into the driver’s seat of her car and pulling out of the parking lot. It was with grim resolution that she made the familiar trip to work again, taking each turning with the knowledge that it would be a while before she’d make them again, and she wallowed in her self-pity the entire drive there, focusing on that instead of the purpose for her trip.

 

            Yet she couldn’t stop the roiling nervousness in her stomach as she cut the engine in the dim confines of the warehouse, making her way towards the elevator and sinking below the ground. As soon as she stepped out into the main office space, she was met by Hank, who was giving her a hard look, his arms crossed over his chest as he waited expectantly.

 

            “Where is she?” Lena hoarsely asked.

 

            She didn’t have to say anything else, he just resigned himself to the fact that she wouldn’t take no for an answer on this matter, and turned around. Hurrying after him as he walked off, Lena felt her unease grow, a perturbed look on her face as she shadowed her boss down towards the interrogation room. It was empty as she was let inside and told to wait, and she took to anxiously pacing back and forth over the concrete floor as she grew impatient. It wasn’t like she  _ had _ to come and see her mom, but Lena knew that she’d have too many questions about how her mother had gotten there if she didn’t come and see for herself. Time was running out to tie up her loose ends there, and this was one that she couldn’t leave forgotten. Nothing good ever came of trying to ignore her family, even if she wanted nothing to do with them.

 

            Yet, even as she thought that, wishing that she was cut off from them completely, the door clicked open and she turned to face her mother, a small gasp escaping her at the sight of her mother’s face. For all her talk of how little she cared for her, Lena found the small hooks that her mother had in her pulling taut, a spasm of concern running through her unbidden as she took in the cuts and bruises. This was far from the polished and perfect woman who had always prided herself on her appearance. Lena’s mouth went dry as she watched her mother was led over to the table and gingerly lowered herself down onto the seat. She must’ve had a few fractures, judging by the wincing and the way she was holding herself. As much as Lena wanted to pretend that she didn’t care, she knew it would be a lie. Some small part of her cared about her, loved her even, although she knew that her mother deserved nothing from her.

 

            Rounding the table, Lena took the other seat, giving Hank a quick nod, before he left her to it. They descended into tense silence, and Lena sat stiffly in her chair, giving her mother a calculating look as she took in the purpling bruises and the eye that was nearly swollen shut. It probably had been a few days ago, and her face had probably been green and blue, but Lena hadn’t been there to see her then. It was bad enough now, and she found that as much as she hated her mother at times, it didn’t bring her any satisfaction to see her hurt. 

 

            “I’m surprised you came.”

 

            “I work here,” Lena said, bristling slightly as she gave her a stony look.

 

            Her mother gave her an appraising look, trying to figure out what to make of Lena’s appearance, and Lena likewise shrewdly eyed her, taking in the grey scrubs she’d been given by the DEO, the general air of unkemptness that emanated from her mother, from the chipped nails to the bare face. Gone were her diamond earrings and sleek hair, and there was a slump to her shoulders that was shockingly unfamiliar to Lena, as if Lillian had been defeated and resigned herself to it. 

 

            “How’d they catch you?”

 

            Shrugging, Lillian avoided meeting her gaze as her eyes wandered around the bare room, gesturing vaguely with one hand. “I surrendered when they broke into the club. Didn’t see much point in fighting. They already took out fifteen of Lex’s men by that point.”

 

            “Are they treating you okay?”

 

            “Mm, I have a bed, and food, and that Director’s played chess with me a few times. Could be worse.”

 

            Letting out a sharp laugh, Lena gave her a sardonic smile, “you could be in a  _ real _ prison.”

 

            Giving her a pointed look, Lillian arched an eyebrow, “as if I wouldn’t be out of there in a heartbeat. And here too, if I wanted to.”

 

            Scoffing, Lena gave her a disbelieving look, “and how would you manage that, huh? No one here can be bribed. Lex is lucky that he got literally the only one who could, but you won’t be lucky enough to find another person.”

 

            “Who said anything about bribery? I could sell every single secret to that Henshaw in exchange for my release, and he’d take it. I know it, he knows it, and so do you. The only reason you have any idea what’s going on is because  _ I _ told you about it, so don’t be so quick to lump me in with one side.”

 

            “Don’t act like anything you’re doing is for  _ me.  _ Nothing you’ve done has ever been for my benefit.”

 

            With a sharp laugh, Lillian gave her an amused look, “well now you’re just plain wrong; it was for your benefit that  _ I _ raised you,  _ I _ gave you a chance at a better life,  _ I _ kept you even when your father died. How many women do you think would raise their husband’s child from an affair? Give her the best of everything? Your view of the world is narrow, and I understand, I understand that you hate me, and your brother and father, and all of the things that I didn’t give you, but you can’t be so dismissive of everything that I have done for  _ your _ benefit.”

 

            “You tried to take my daughter from me,” Lena snarled, palms braced against the table as she leant across it, her face a mask of anger. “How was that going to benefit me?”

 

            “Because you would’ve come with her, and you would’ve put an end to this stupid rivalry.”

 

            “It’s not a  _ rivalry. _ I’m happy with my life; I don’t  _ want _ him to meddle in it. He just doesn’t want to admit that he’s not as powerful as he thinks he is, that he can’t even control his little sister. It’s not a rivalry, it’s his stupid pride.”

 

            “And it’s your pride that won’t let you just come home and realise how much easier things would be for you, for that little girl. She’d never want for anything. Imagine the childhood you could give her.”

 

            Making a sound of frustration, Lena felt resentment rise within her at her mother’s words. “I don’t  _ need _ to imagine! I know what childhood she’d have; I had it myself. I would rather come home and leave her behind with people who love her, than bring her back to that house. That’s how little I think of everything you did for me. I would give up seeing her ever again if it meant that she never had to go through all of  _ that.” _

 

            Lillian pressed her lips into a hard line, before letting out a soft sigh, giving her daughter a wary look. “But it wasn’t all bad. I know that you think that it was all violence and anger and mob business, but that wasn’t all of it. There were moments where you and I loved each other, like every other mother and daughter.”

 

            “No,” Lena softly said, the fight draining out of her, “no, there weren’t. There were just … moments where we didn’t hate being around each other.”

 

            “Isn’t that worth something?”

 

            “Maybe it was once … but I have my own daughter now, and I  _ do _ love her.”

 

            Nodding, Lillian gave up. Lapsing back into silence, they sat across from each other, and Lena told herself that she should leave, that she shouldn’t waste anymore time on her mother, or her brother for that matter, but something kept her glued to the seat. She shifted beneath her mother’s flat stare, the silence hanging heavily between them as they each waited for the other to say something. If Lena had wanted to leave, she would’ve already gotten up and left by now, but she’d stayed, and Lillian waited expectantly. Lena was hoping that her mother would ask her something, anything, first though. But the silence dragged on, and eventually Lena looked back up, meeting a pair of green eyes that were eerily familiar to her own, yet so coldly different. 

 

            “Who did that to your face?” Lena quietly asked, gesturing towards the colourful bruises and cuts. “Was it one of mine, or one of his?”

 

            Shrugging, Lilian gave her a tiny smile, “does it really matter?”

 

            Fighting back a of huff of frustration, Lena gave her mother a hard look, unable to keep the biting coldness from her voice as she curled her hands into fists. “Why’re you still protecting him?!”

 

            She slammed her fists down onto the metal table, a loud thud rattling it as Lillian jumped slightly, taken aback by her daughter’s sudden outburst. Giving her a cold look, Lillian raised her chin, a haughty look about her as she cleared her throat. “Ask yourself this; would you do anything to protect your daughter?”

 

            Letting out a sharp laugh, Lena gave her a scathing look, “don’t you dare try and compare the two.”

           

            “But you’d do anything, wouldn’t you? I’d do the same for him too. The only difference is that it’s himself that he needs protecting from. And I need your help to do that. You need to put a stop to what he’s doing, lock him up, keep him away from it all. Keep him safe. He just- he doesn’t see it that way, what I’m doing.”

 

            Closing her eyes, Lena slumped slightly in her seat, uncurling her fingers to reveal deep furrowed half-crescent marks from her nails as she felt pity well up inside. She didn’t tell her mother that she would sooner see him dead than keep him safe, because at least that would mean that everyone else was safe from him. Instead, she let out a soft sigh. “Mom, I’m leaving.”

 

            “What?”

 

            Opening her eyes, she met her mother’s cool gaze and straightened beneath it, squaring her shoulders and giving her a hard look. “I’m leaving. I won’t be working with you; you’ll be informing someone else. I’ll be in London.”

 

            “You’re going after Benjamin Lockwood,” Lillian accusingly stated. 

 

            There was no question in her words, so Lena didn’t deign to reply, giving her a stony look as she sat across from her, trying to figure out what her mother’s motives were. She was helping Lena, in some way, and only to benefit Lex, in her mind, but there was a part of her that didn’t trust her mother not to have some ulterior plan. It was never this straightforward when it came to the Luthor’s. Lena had sat through dinners with men in the Italian mob that her father was making a deal with, only to catch word of their deaths a few weeks later, courtesy of her father’s men. The truth was never what it seemed like when coming from the manipulative minds of her family. She didn’t trust her mother, not completely, and she felt the tension weighing heavily between them as they descended into silence.

 

            Eventually, Lena pushed the chair back, legs scraping against the floor, and she climbed to her feet. Expression softening just a little, she gave her mother a lingering look, taking in the black eye and split lip, the grey scrubs and disheveled hair, and felt a twinge of regret inside. “Goodbye, mom.”

 

            Gesturing towards the cameras, she walked towards the door, listening to the buzz as the lock disengaged, only to pause at the sound of her mother’s voice. “Be careful, Lena. His reach is further than you think. It’s not you that he wants; it’s everyone you love.”

 

            Back stiffening, she grit her teeth and angrily yanked the door open, stepping out into the hallway and listening to the door lock itself, trapping her mother inside.  Taking a deep breath, she walked through the hallways until she came to Hank’s office, knocking on the door and waiting for him to invite her in. Her farewell with him was brief and curt, with Lena still a little standoffish about the fact that he was forcing her to leave in the first place, and she made a quick exit from the DEO after that, a feeling of longing for her desk and chair following after her as she made her way back up to her car.

 

            After a trip to the nearest shopping centre, she bought a few suitcases, and then made her way back home, coming into the apartment to find Kara and Laurel napping on the sofa. Being as quiet as she could be, she made the three of them lunch, and then went to gently shake them awake. As they ate at the kitchen table, Lena watched Kara warily eye the suitcases, while her daughter obliviously ate her food, happily content for the time being. Lena didn’t want to have to tell her, and she picked at her food as she sat there in a sullen mood. For once, Kara didn’t try and cheer her up.

 

            Once they’d all finished, Lena washed the dishes, and Kara stood beside her in companionable silence, drying them and putting them away, and Lena tried not to think about how much she’d miss that. There were a lot of things about Kara that she’d miss, and her stomach lurched uncomfortably as a wave of sadness washed over her. Hesitantly clearing her throat, she drained the sink and wiped the soap suds from her hands, turning to give Kara a wide smile, mustering up as much excitement as she could, and suggested that they invite everyone over for dinner that night. They could order Chinese and play board games, like any other game nights they’d have, and Lena could break the news to them then. Kara flippantly agreed, seemingly uninterested, but in agreement with Lena if that was what she wanted, before she mumbled something about going to get some milk.

 

            With a sigh, Lena watched her leave, and knew that it would be better to just let her go. A walk through the fresh air would do her some good, even if it didn’t improve her mood. Lena went ahead and invited everyone over and placed an order for Chinese to be delivered later on that evening, and then got to work packing. Distracted from her playing, Laurel walked in on Lena pulling out dresses and tights, winter coats and skirts, neatly folding them and tucking them away inside the suitcase, and asked what she was doing. It was with much trepidation that Lena gently explained things to her daughter, telling her that they were going on a long vacation to England tomorrow. Her daughter took in surprisingly well, her brown eyes lighting up with excitement at the prospect of another vacation, thinking about the one that she’d just had. Lena didn’t tell her that Kara wouldn’t be coming on this one.

 

            By the time that Kara returned, four gallons of milk in the paper bags she carried - far too much for one person to use by themself - Lena was all packed, everything that had made the cut, and wouldn’t immediately be needed before tomorrow, neatly stacked inside, and the matching luggage sat miserably in the corner beside the front door. Forcefully shoving the bottles of milk into the fridge, shutting the door a little harder than necessary, and silently making fresh coffee, Kara ignored Lena’s nervous chatter, trying to make up for the fact that she could feel her roommate already slipping away from her and she hadn’t even left yet. It left Lena feeling even worse than she already did, knowing that she was upsetting Kara, and she wanted to ask her to come with her, to agree that it was a good idea, and that they’d have a great time exploring the UK and other nearby European countries, but she wouldn’t let Kara uproot her life and career for her. It wouldn’t be fair, even if Kara had suggested it.

 

            After a quiet afternoon, Alex showed up first after a day at court, looking a little disgruntled as she helped herself to some of Lena’s whisky, and settled down in the living room. Feeling anxious, Lena fidgeted as she joined Alex in there, casting furtive glances towards the archway leading out to the open apartment, building up the courage to tell Alex and ask a favour of her. She didn’t want Kara to overhear though, and her restlessness was plainly obvious to Alex who let out a withering sigh.

 

            “What’s wrong?”

 

            Giving her a sheepish smile, Lena scooped up the bottle of whisky from the coffee table and took a swig from the bottle. “I’m going to London for a while.”

 

            “London? For like … a vacation ?”

 

            “To live.”

 

            Pausing for a moment, Alex set her glass down on a coaster and fixed Lena with a confused look. “You’re moving to London. And you just decided that. Out of the blue, just like that?”

 

            Pressing her lips into a thin line, Lena raised the bottle to her lips again, taking another burning sip, before setting it back down out of reach. “No, it’s for work. I don’t want to, but I don’t have a choice.”

 

            “When’re you going?”

 

            “Tomorrow.”

 

_             “Tomorrow!?  _ What the fuck. Does Kara know?”

 

            Choking on a laugh, Lena gave her a strained smile, a mournful look on her face as she met Alex’s brown eyes. “I don’t think she’s taking it well.”

 

            With a sharp laugh, Alex gave her an incredulous look, shifting forward so that she could lower her voice. “Lena, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but my sister is pathetically in love with you in the most frustratingly pining way that you’d have to be  _ blind _ to not see. Yeah, I don’t think she’s going to take it very well that you’re  _ leaving _ , with the child that she’s raised with you for four and a half years.”

 

            Flinching, Lena sat back in the armchair, a lump forming in her throat at Alex’s blunt words, and the fact that Kara’s feelings were so obvious to everyone else. Lena wondered for how long Alex had suspected, and if she’d been too oblivious for the longest time, just seeing friendship in her roommate’s words and actions. If Alex knew, then who else had guessed? And had they guessed that Lena didn’t return her feelings? She still felt guilty about letting Kara down gently, and to think of everyone else knowing that she’d been rejected made Lena feel sorry for her, knowing that Kara would be embarrassed if she found out.

 

            They were silent for a moment, before Alex tilted her head to the side and gave her a wide eyed look. “Please tell me you knew. Come on, you’re not _that_ stupid.”

 

            Running a hand through her hair, Lena shook her head, her eyes closing as she let out a pent up breath. “No, I knew, I just- I can’t love her, Alex, and I know that it’s cruel, but I just don’t feel it. I wish that I did, and I wish that I didn’t have to hurt her again by leaving, and taking Ducky with me, but … I don’t have a choice.”

 

            “It’s okay, I’m not going to blame you for things you can’t help. I just thought that you should know why she’s not taking it well,” Alex gently told her, taking another sip of whisky, before she let out an exasperated sigh. “God, I told her. I told her at the very beginning that you’d be trouble, and she didn’t listen. Just do me a favour.”

 

            “Only if you do me one in return,” Lena quickly countered.

 

            “Don’t break her heart, okay? Make sure you come back. I’m not sure she knows how to live without you.”

 

            Swallowing thickly, Lena nodded, blinking back the burning feeling in her eyes. “I’d never leave if I didn’t have to.”

 

            Nodding, Alex gestured towards her, waiting for Lena to ask her favour in return. With a shaky laugh, Lena surreptitiously wiped at her eyes as she reached out for the whisky again. “I was going to ask you to look after her for me. I know you’re her sister, and you love her, so of course you would, but just … keep her safe. Please. I hate the thought of leaving her here alone. Leaving when he could-”

 

            “Lena,” Alex gently interrupted her, “if your brother harmed so much as a hair on my sister’s head, he’d be dead before he knew what hit him. You don’t need to worry about that.”

 

            “Look after yourself too though,” Lena anxiously warned her, “and Sam. Just … all of you.”

 

            With a quiet chuckle, Alex raised her glass to Lena in a salute and drained the rest of the amber liquid. “Of course.”

 

            Feeling a little more at ease, Lena nodded, a rush of gratitude filling her at Alex’s promise. She was able to relax a little more while they waited for everyone else to arrive, and when they were all there, Querl arriving last, much to everyone else’s surprise, she broke the news to them, pouring out drinks and trying to muster up some enthusiasm. James thought it was a great opportunity, and Winn was babbling about some  _ Doctor Who _ sets she could visit, while Sam just gave her a pitying look. It made Lena’s stomach lurch to see that expression on her face, and she had the feeling that Alex and Sam had been gossiping together. 

 

            Kara spent most of the time out on the balcony, with someone out there with her at all times, seemingly fine whenever Lena looked out and saw her laughing and chatting, her face golden in the light filtering out of the apartment. She didn’t come inside until the food arrived, piling up her plate and filling a glass with wine, nearly to the brim, before moving into the dining room reserved for special occasions. There were enough seats for everyone in there, so they all followed her in, and Lena sat across from her, giving her a gentle kick beneath the table, a questioning look on her face when Kara’s head jerked up to meet her worried stare.

 

            Giving her a wan smile, Kara nodded, raising a forkful of rice to her mouth and cutting off any attempt at conversation as she ate. Everyone else was as lively as ever though, teasing each other and making loud jokes and protests as they got worked up. Querl sat to Lena’s immediate right, rounding off the end of the table, and he was quiet for most of dinner, eating his food in silence as Lena and Kara did the same. Their end of the table was a little more sombre, and that suited Lena’s mood just fine. 

 

            As much as she loved her friends, and felt sad as she hugged them all goodbye, promising to call and come and visit soon, she was somewhat relieved when they were all gone. It was her last night, and while it had been nice to spend time with them all, having fun as they got worked up about  _ Monopoly _ , she just wanted to lay down and stare at the ceiling all night. She felt drained from her busy day, and the reality of her leaving weighed down heavily on her. 

 

            In for an early night, she locked the front door, padding down Kara’s hallway in her pyjamas as she went to go and say goodnight. Knocking on the door, she heard something heavy thud, and Kara’s soft voice telling her to come in. Opening the door, Lena poked her head in, her expression softening as she looked at the blonde, sitting on her bed with the lamp on, a thick, black book in her lap.

 

            Pushing the door open more, Lena stepped inside, walking over to the bed and perching on the edge as she gave Kara a searching look. “Hey, you okay?”

 

            Running a hand over her weary face, Kara gave her a tired smile, “yeah. Fine. I was just looking through some photos.”

 

            “Photos? Can I see?” Lena asked, shifting on the bed as she sat down next to Kara, watching as she picked up what Lena now realised was a photo album.

 

            Opening it up to the first page, Lena stared down at the tiny baby dressed in borrowed clothes. She let out a small choked sound at the realisation that it was Laurel. She couldn’t have been more than a few days old, wearing the clothes that Sam had dug out from Ruby’s baby days. “Oh,” Lena softly breathed, “I can’t believe she was ever so small.”

 

            “I know,” Kara murmured, “it’s gone so quick.”

 

            “Yeah,” Lena quietly agreed.

 

            She flipped through the pages, while Lena watched on, laughing at the occasional funny one, her heart twinging at the ones full of love as the three of them sat together, as if they were a family. There were ones of Lena kissing her daughter, reading her a bedtime story, holding her in the pool at swimming lessons, hands held out to catch her when they were teaching Laurel how to walk, and napping on the old lumpy sofa Kara had used to own. And Kara was in just as many, tossing her up in the air as they laughed, the two of them side by side with melting ice cream from the last time they’d gone to Midvale, Christmas morning in garish sweaters, surrounded by gift wrap and presents, shading her eyes against the sun, while Laurel sat on her shoulders. There were more than Lena had even knew Kara had taken, and she couldn’t speak as she watched her flick through them all. 

 

            Kara made occasional comments, asking if Lena remembered a certain day, or mentioning how much she’d loved the shirt she was wearing, or the place they’d been. Lena silently promised that they’d go there again, when she got back. It wouldn’t be too long. Only a couple of months, she promised herself. When she came back, it would be like she’d never left, and they’d take more photos together, fill another album, or ten.

 

            They looked at photos until they reached the end, and then Kara set it aside and lay back against the pillows. Following suit, not quite ready to leave her for her own, cold bed, Lena stared up at the ceiling, trying to voice the feelings within her, but coming up short. She didn’t know how to describe it. The only way she could phrase it was that she missed Kara, and she was still beside her. Her heart ached with the mere thought of being parted from her, and Lena let out a heavy sigh, letting her head loll to the side as she rested it on Kara’s shoulder. Shifting closer, the paramedic wrapped an arm around her, and they stayed like that for what could’ve been forever. The only thing she knew was that she didn’t want to go, and Kara didn’t tell her to.

 

            Sunlight was streaming in, what felt like a short while later, and Lena stirred with the surprising knowledge that she’d fallen asleep in Kara’s bed. Her roommate’s arm was still around her shoulder, and Kara’s head rested on her own, their legs tangled beneath the sheets. Lena blinked back tears as it struck her that she was leaving today. There would be no more accidentally falling asleep in each other’s bed, no more surprising each other with their favourite takeout, or walks to the park and arguing over which movie to watch that night. She wouldn’t have to berate Kara for leaving her belongings strewn through the apartment, and Kara wouldn’t have to pretend to like some of the more questionable healthy dishes Lena made, trying to stuff an adult and a child with vegetables.

 

            Swallowing her sadness, she lay there in Kara’s embrace, listening to the slow heartbeat, feeling the steady rise and fall of her chest, and clinging to the comforting presence of another person. It wasn’t until Kara’s heart picked up, and she started shifting, that Lena moved away from her, not wanting to make her embarrassed when she woke to find them so close to each other. She knew that Kara always worried that it meant something different to her than Lena. 

 

            She smiled softly when she saw her beside her though, a few inches separating them, and rolled over to shove her face into the pillows. Lena quietly laughed, stroked her hair as she looked at her, taking in the way the sunlight pouring in through her window turned her hair golden. They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Lena was starting to wonder if Kara had fallen back asleep, before the blonde pushed herself up, propped up on her elbows, and gave her a bleary look.

 

            “Want to go for pancakes?”

 

            Giving her a warm smile, Lena reached out to touch her shoulder, “sure.”

 

            Rolling out of bed, she groaned as she stretched, her back aching from sleeping funny, and she went to shower, letting the hot water relax her muscles and washing her hair with Kara’s shampoo, before climbing out and wrapping herself in a towel. She dressed in one of the outfits staying behind, and went to go and wake her daughter up, gently coaxing her out of the bed with the thought of pancakes. 

 

            Within the hour, they were all ready to go, and Lena drove them to Winn’s, sliding into their favourite booth - the one Kara had been sitting in when they met - and ordered themselves food and coffee, with a hot chocolate for Laurel. It felt like one of their weekends when Kara wasn’t working in the morning, eating pancakes and laughing, chatting with Winn in between his rounds of checking up on customers and cooking fresh donuts and pies out the back. So many hours had been spent in the diner, and Lena felt a rush of nostalgia as she looked around the place, thinking about how different her life had been the first time she’d come in there. She’d been soaking wet, homeless, and with a newborn, and all it had taken to change things was the kindness of a stranger, who’d shared half a donut and taken her home with her. Almost as if remembering the same thing, Kara met her sad eyes and gave her a tender look.

 

            The rest of the day was spent at the park and back at their apartment, doing nothing productive, but spending time together. It was just a waiting game until Lena had to leave, and she hated it, growing restless and impatient as the seconds ticked down. In hindsight, she wished she’d just booked earlier flights, instead of getting First Class tickets on the same flight, because at least then she wouldn’t have had to linger, dwelling on her sadness for longer as the impending time of departure loomed closer and closer. It would’ve been better to get it over and done with. Not easier, but quicker.

 

            Eventually the hour came though, and she started wishing for more time, so torn with her heartbreak. She didn’t want to leave, and she didn’t want to have to suffer through the goodbyes, fighting back tears as she tried to pretend that she was fine, and was excited to go. The only thing forcing her to keep it together was the fact that she didn’t want to cry in front of her daughter, or make it harder for Kara. 

 

            They were both curt when they spoke, lugging the suitcases downstairs and jamming them into the trunk, buckling Laurel up on her booster seat, making sure they had everything. It wasn’t that they were angry at each other, it was just the fact that if they tried to carry a conversation, one of them was going to cry. Bluntness was best, as was the radio turned up on some pop station, drowning out any attempt of easy conversation or thought, and Lena drove them towards the airport. 

 

            It was already dark out, and it was cold when they stepped out of the car, pulling their bags out and scrounging up a trolley. Lena handed Kara the keys to the car with a grim look on her face, and Kara silently slipped them into her pocket. The three of them made for a sorry sight as they made their way inside, the bright lights bringing nothing but misery to the two adults, and a look of wonder to the little girl. 

 

            Their check-in desk was already open, having left it as long as possible to get there, and they dropped off their bags and collected their tickets with ease. With nothing else to do, they made for a small cafe and ordered cheap coffee, neither of them enjoying it as they waited until it grew closer to Lena’s departure time. It was with much reluctance and slow footsteps that Kara walked them to the departure gate, and Lena stared at the tiled floor as they neared it, swallowing thickly as she tried to stop her bottom lip from trembling. She refused to cry. It would only make it harder. 

 

            “Hey,” Kara quietly said, her voice wavering slightly, “hey, look at me. You’re going to be  _ fine _ . How could you not be? You’re  _ you.” _

 

            Letting out a tearful laugh, Lena gave her a longing look. “I know I will be. But I don’t want to leave you.”

 

            Making a choked sound of surprise, Kara gave her a wavering smile, reaching up to cup her face in her hands. Lena leant forward until their foreheads were touching, and sighed in defeat, her whole body seeming to sag beneath Kara’s touch as she gave into it. Rapidly blinking back tears, she swallowed the thick lump in her throat, feeling her friend’s warm breath against her lips.

 

            “It’s going to be okay,” Kara murmured, her voice low as she tried to keep it from shaking,  _ “I’m _ going to be okay. I just- I’m going to miss you. A lot. And, you know, maybe the distance will be good for me. Maybe I’ll be able to- to sort through … things.”

 

            With a shuddering sigh, Lena nodded, reaching up to cover Kara’s hand with her own. Perhaps some space  _ would _ be better for Kara, and if that’s what she needed, then Lena would give her that without complaint. She just wished that that space wasn’t on the other side of the world. 

 

            “Yeah, maybe you’re right,” Lena unconvincingly told her, pulling back as she gave Kara the ghost of a smile. 

 

            It didn’t feel right though, and she could feel the wrongness inside her growing, the urge to cry welling up, even as she tried to stamp in down. But there was nothing else to do, and she wrapped her friend in a tight hug, breathing in Kara’s familiar perfume as her bottom lip trembled and she felt a deep ache in her chest. Kara hugged her back just as tightly, burying her face in Lena’s shoulder as they stood like that for a moment, swaying slightly as they prolonged the moment for as long as they could. Eventually Lena pulled back, a heartbroken look briefly flitting across her features, before she managed to give Kara a trembling smile.

 

            Leaning in, she pressed a gentle kiss on her friend’s cheek, before stepping back and resting a hand on her daughter’s head. “Time to say goodbye to Aunt Kara, Ducky.”

 

            “What? No!” the little girl stubbornly objected, jutting her bottom lip forward as she pouted, arms folded over her chest. “Aunt Kara’s coming too.”

 

            Sighing, Lena closed her eyes, “Laurel, come on. She can’t come with us. Give Aunt Kara a kiss before we go.”

 

            “I don’t want to go,” she said, her voice wobbling, before she burst into tears. 

 

            Lena watched as Kara sank down into a crouch, a tender look of love on her face as she stared at the little girl, a faint smile on her lips as she reached out to hold her hand. With a sob, the little girl threw herself at Kara, who caught her in her arms, wrapping her in a big hug and rocking her slightly as she stroked her hair. Lena’s stomach twisted at the sound of her daughter’s crying, and her eyes stung as she watched Kara with her. For all of her efforts to be a good mother, it had never come as naturally to her as it did to Kara, and she felt panic well up as the thought of being a parent alone crossed her mind again. She had half a mind to not get on the plane in that brief moment of panic, but stoically pushed the notion aside. It was for everyone’s sake that she was doing this, not to mention that it had been a direct order from her boss.

 

            Instead, she silently watched as Kara hugged her daughter, before letting go and cupping her chin in her hand as she gave her a wide smile. Her blue eyes were shining with tears though, and Lena could see through the brave face she was putting on as if it was made of glass. 

 

            “Why can’t you come?”

 

            Choking on a laugh, Kara stroked Laurel’s dark curls, a grim smile on her face, “I wish I could, Little Duck, but I have to work. I have to save people’s lives. But you’re going to have the  _ best _ time. They’ve got castles, and you can go and visit the queen! And they have tea parties  _ all _ the time, and this big, big park with  _ so _ many ducks that I bet mommy will take you to go and feed.”

 

            “Really?” Laurel asked, sniffling as she let Kara wipe the tears from her cheeks. 

 

            “Really. And I’ll come and visit too. It’s going to be so much fun!”

 

            Lips pressed together in a firm line to stop herself from crying, Lena stared down at the tiled floor of the airport. As much as she didn’t want to leave, the long goodbye was worse in some ways. A part of her just wanted to leave, go through security and bawl her eyes out in one of the bathrooms near the waiting lounge, but there was a part of her that wanted to draw it out for as long as possible, to soak up as much of the precious little time she had left with Kara. But it was hard to watch her daughter cry as she was forced to say goodbye to one of the few people she had in her life, and Lena felt a burning anger flicker to life inside. More than ever, she hated her brother. 

 

            “Okay, you be good for your mom, yeah?” Kara said, her voice cracking slightly, before she cleared her throat, a stern look on her face as she tried to mask her emotions.

 

            Giving Laurel another hug, she kissed her on the cheek and climbed to her feet, and Lena gave her a sad smile, a rush of gratitude filling her as she gazed up at Kara. She didn’t know what she’d do without her. Reaching out for her hand, Lena gave it a quick squeeze, a lump forming in her throat and cutting off anything else she might’ve said.

 

            “I’ll see you soon,” Kara softly promised, her eyes brimming with tears.

 

            Nodding, Lena blinked rapidly, and Kara laughed, even as she wiped at her own cheeks as the tears spilled over and ran down her face. With the last squeeze of her hand, and a lingering look, Lena let go, taking hold of her daughter’s hand and picking up the carry on luggage she had. She fished their tickets and passports out of her handbag and gave Kara another look, unwilling to say goodbye, but she had to.

 

            Letting out a shaky breath, she gave her friend another nod, a faint smile curling her lips, and she took a step towards the gate. With each step, she found it easier to keep going, without the desolate look on Kara’s face looking back at her, and she made it to the departure gate, handing over their tickets to the woman standing at the entrance. Being waved through, she ushered Laurel past the woman and paused, turning to look back, and her face crumpled at the sight of Kara standing alone, trying to slyly wipe her tear stained face. When she caught Lena looking back, she raised her hand to wave, shaking with laughter as she gave her a helpless look, and Lena quietly laughed as her brimming eyes overfilled and tears traced their way down her cheeks. 

 

            Giving her a small smile, she bent down and picked her daughter up, and they waved to Kara one last time, before disappearing down the tiled hallway. Trying not to cry, Lena queued up at the back of the security line, shuffling forward bit by bit, until it was her turn to place their belongings in a tray and add it to the queue for the conveyor belt. Stepping through the metal detector, she was waved on with Laurel, collecting their things and finding herself alone in the sprawling airport.

 

            “How about we get some candy for the plane, hm?” Lena suggested, watching her daughter’s face light up, momentarily forgetting about her tantrum at leaving Kara behind. Silently praying that the good behaviour would hold out for the duration of the flight, she led them through the rows of shops, resisting the urge to by a new handbag from Coach and a pair of Louboutins. 

 

            Buying more snacks than she knew they’d eat, but brooding too much to even care about what she was grabbing, she threw in a few books for herself, and a travel pillow with cats on it for Laurel, and made for the First Class lounge. It was a sprawling space of marble, leather armchairs and yellow lighting. There were sleeping rooms, a spa and a full restaurant and bar offering a buffet, but Lena led them over to a tucked away corner with a deep sofa and a coffee table. Side by side, she opened some of the snacks and shared them with her daughter, who insisted on wearing her pillow around her neck while they did so.

 

            By the time they had to go to their gate, Laurel was struggling to keep her eyes open, and they’d made a dent in the snacks. Quietly gathering up all of their trash, Lena threw it away and carefully lifted her daughter into her arms, making sure she had everything, before leaving the lounge and walking through the massive airport. She arrived at their gate twenty minutes before they actually started boarding, and she was glad that she’d bought her own tickets, after catching sight of the economy line. They were first on when the doors were finally opened, a primped air hostess giving her a bright smile as she scanned their tickets and checked their passport photos matched.

 

            Greeted by friendly staff at the door, she was directed through to First Class, and carefully set her daughter down on one of the seats, the little girl already starting to nod off. Their belongings were stowed away and Lena buckled them both in, nervously running her hands over her thighs as she anxiously watched her daughter’s chin dip down towards her chest. Lena lovingly smiled at her from across the aisle, and the love she felt took the edge off some of the sadness of leaving Kara behind, although it still stung.

 

            It felt like an eternity before the plane was ready for takeoff, and Lena was left alone with her thoughts and one of the books she’d bought, which was sadly ineffective at keeping her distracted of thoughts of her roommate. Kara would be home by now, or perhaps she’d gone to Alex’s. Would she still be crying? Had she remembered to put her uniform in the dryer for work tomorrow? Lena had left a lasagne in the fridge for her to tide her over for a day or two, and wondered if she’d gone home and had some for dinner. No matter how much she tried not to think of Kara, it was  _ all _ she could think about. With a sigh, she closed her eyes, and listened to the voice over the intercom announce that they were getting ready to take off. 

 

            The sound of the engines became a dull roar, disturbing Laurel, who gave Lena a disgruntled look as she shifted in her seat, and with jolt they were moving, tearing down the runway as they picked up speed. The ground fell away with a stomach lurching drop, and Lena looked out at the blinking lights amidst a sea of darkness, stroking Laurel’s hair as she murmured quiet reassurances, unsure whether her daughter was alarmed or not. 

 

            When the seatbelt sign blinked off, Lena unbuckled their seatbelts and moved into Laurel’s seat beside the window, cradling her daughter in her lap, the wide, spacious seat providing more than enough space for her to stretch her legs out. Draping the airline provided blanket over them both, she let her head rest against the interior wall of the plane, and waited it out. She was offered champagne and tea or coffee by the air hostesses, as well as headphones for the large TV provided, and rejected them all, content with the bottles of water and juice provided in the personal bar, and she sipped apple juice while she waited for them to turn the lights off. 

 

            The pressure of the cabin made the air cool and stale, and she was restless in the seat, despite the spaciousness of it, finding it hard to find sleep as she listened to the sounds of the other passengers shifting around her. She assumed that she slept though, drifting in and out of it, while Laurel occasionally moved around too, jabbing her with a bony elbow, changing positions in her lap, and keeping Lena up. Still, the sky was grey outside the window when they descended into the sprawling web of lights at Heathrow Airport. 

 

            Gathering their things together, Lena was ready when they were permitted to exit the aircraft first, carrying her daughter and her bags as she made her way through security and onto the baggage reclaim, feeling tired and irritable. The thought of sleep was close at hand, but she still had to report to her Superior Officer in London, as well as meet the MI6 operative she’d be working with, before being allowed to call it a day. She was limp with exhaustion as she waited for their bags to come through on the carousel, a trolley at hand as she watched indistinguishable black and grey cases come through. While she waited, she thought about the people she’d be working with here, wondering what they’d be like and if they would be of any use to her. She wasn’t overly fond of meeting new people, and she half expected to be paired with someone useless. In that regard, Lena was even less enthusiastic about it than the thought of being in London alone. At least she knew her own mind and wouldn’t have to please anyone else.

 

            It wasn’t long before she spotted her cases, half dragging Laurel with her to stand beside her while she hauled both cases off, one by one, and she was relieved to be one step closer to making it back to the apartment she was being put up in. She’d already been given the address, and she’d supplied it for the chauffeur provided with her First Class ticket, stacking her cases on top of each other and wheeling them through customs. It wasn’t long before they were coming through the other side, and she scanned the gathered crowd, until she found a man in a suit holding a sign with her name on it.

 

            Feeling a little apprehensive, she greeted him and let him take the bags, following him towards the limo parked outside. He opened the door for her, giving Laurel a crooked smile, and Lena ushered her daughter inside, before climbing in after her. The weather was still bitter at that time of year, not quite ready to head into spring, and she pulled the thin coat she’d brought with her from California tightly around herself, hugging her daughter to make sure that she wasn’t cold. It was a few minutes before their driver climbed into the front seat - the wrong side, Lena remembered - and started talking to her in a Cockney accent that was an amusing novelty that reminded her of the frequent trips to London she’d had in the past. 

 

            Once the few pleasantries were out of the way, she fell into silence, watching the airport disappear outside of the windows, giving way to the motorway. It was a fifty minute drive to the location she’d been given, and she lightly dozed for most of it, glad for the relative peacefulness of it, while catching glimpses of the grey city come to life outside. She was wide awake by the time the limo slowed to a stop outside a chrome and glass building in the middle of the sprawling city, and she climbed out into the brisk morning air as he opened the door for her. 

 

            A woman was leaning against the wall beside the door of the building the driver had stopped outside, and she pushed off as Lena gave her a suspicious look, reaching out to take her daughter’s hand as Laurel climbed out after her. The chauffeur was busy getting her bags out of the trunk as Lena walked across the grimy pavement to meet the woman halfway.

 

            “Agent Haley,” the older woman said, sticking a hand out for her to shake. Quickly obliging, Lena took in the fact that her accent was American.

 

            “A pleasure,” Lena politely replied, feeling no need to introduce herself. After all, she’d been waiting for Lena, while Lena had been left in the dark about who she was meeting. The driver set everything on the sidewalk, and Lena slipped him a tip, muttering her thanks.

 

            Gesturing towards the door, the woman stared down at Laurel with an apprehensive look on her face, taking one of the cases for Lena and unlocking the door into the lobby. It was warm inside, the floor and walls were grey, two elevators standing off to the left and stairs straight ahead. Pushing the button, Haley climbed in when it dinged a moment later, and the three of them piled in. The woman pushed a button for the tenth floor, and Lena patiently waited as her stomach dropped and they moved skywards. 

 

            A short trip later, the door dinged again and she let the older woman get out first, before stepping out into the hallway. Producing a set of keys, Haley walked towards the door on the right and put it in the lock, pushing it open and handing the set to Lena without a word. It was apartment seventeen, Lena noted, before following her in, watching as the other woman flipped light switches on her way.

 

            It was spacious, decorated in monochrome shades, and all modern, from what Lena could gather. She wasn’t offered a tour, and Haley left her bag off to the side of the kitchen counters. Shooing Laurel over to the sofa to figure out how to put the TV on, Lena stood in the kitchen with the other agent, waiting for her to speak. Pulling something out of her coat pocket, the woman gave Lena a steady look as she held it out, and Lena looked down to find a holstered gun.

 

            “There’s a safe in the master bedroom. The code is the first four digits of pi. The front door and the windows are alarmed; the code is the same for those as well. You’ll be given the rest of the week to settle in and rest, and a car will be sent for you on Monday morning to report to us on how you’re finding things,” the woman brusquely told her. “The MI6 agent you’re meeting has given us this location. You’re expected by lunchtime.”

 

            A business card was held out to her, a location and time scrawled on it in blue ink, and she curtly nodded, setting it down on the counter, alongside her keys.

 

            “There’s a Tesco around the corner if you’d like to get some groceries,” Haley told her, her businesslike attitude fading for a moment, “and I suggest you get some rest and wash up before your meeting.”

 

            “Yes, ma’am.”

 

            “Then I’ll leave you to it, Agent. I’ll show myself out.”

 

            Left feeling a little dazed by how fast everything had been flung at her, Lena listened to the door shut behind the other woman, and then slowly picked up the gun, shielding it with her body as she went to find the master bedroom and lock it away immediately. She found a smaller one with a single bed, nightstand and dresser, and the master one similarly furnished, the double bed inviting as she eyed it. She found the safe in the nightstand, and crouched down, putting in the code and shoving the gun in, making sure it was firmly shut, before she went back out to her daughter.

 

            First things first, she fished her phone out and went in search of the modem, putting in the password stuck to the underside of it, and then sent Kara a message to let her know they’d arrived safely. It would be a little after midnight, compared to the nine o’clock it was in London, and she knew that Kara would be asleep, or hoped at least. She didn’t get a reply at any rate, so she had a look around the rest of the place, taking in the traces of it being a secret organisation hideout. The cupboards were still stocked with essential items. There were teabags and long life milk, and she made her and her daughter some tea, undertaking the task of unpacking a few things. First was the framed photo of her, Laurel and Kara. She set it down on the TV stand, and then sat down on the sofa, watching the kids channel that Laurel had accidentally flipped to, much to her delight. 

 

            Only meaning to close her eyes for a moment, before she unpacked, Lena woke a couple of hours later, her tea having gone cold on the coffee table. Jumping to her feet, she swore as she rushed over to her suitcase and pulled out something presentable, before running to the bathroom. There were spare toiletries under the sink, and she grabbed a towel from the closet in the hallway, unable to bring herself to care about whether it was a new one or not, and jumped into the shower, rushing in order to make it to her meeting with the MI6 agent on time.

 

            Rousing her daughter, she dressed Laurel in something warmer and zipped up a winter coat over the top, kissing her on the nose, before she gathered a few things together in her handbag, grabbed her keys, and breezed out of the apartment. Flagging down a taxi, she gave them the location on the card she’d been given, and buckled up as the driver pulled back out into traffic. It was starting to drizzle outside, and she watched the city go by, taking in the red buses, large advertisements plastered over the side of buildings as they passed through the middle of London, Indian takeaways crammed in beside fish and chip shops, Tesco Metro beside Spar, tiny shops selling touristy junk next to a cafe advertising a full English breakfast. The sidewalks were crammed with people, and Lena found that it was all familiar. She knew the way to the British Museum and Harrods, she could spot familiar entrances to the Underground, and found that she remembered different routes. With some relief, she began to think that this would be easier than she’d been expecting.

 

            Coming through the other side of the main traffic in the inner city, it started to thin out, giving way to local pubs and kebab shops, the big brand names giving way to convenience stores and healthy cafes, fresh fruit and veg stalls spilling out of a grocers, and a tiny phone shop advertising the latest iPhone for a bargain price. Lena still spotted a McDonald’s and a Starbucks as the driver turned down a side street though, pulling up outside a shabby looking pub, worn with age, but no doubt a popular haunt, given its close proximity to the city centre. She paid him with the notes she’d had changed before leaving, telling him to keep the change, and climbed out of the black cab. Laurel was quiet in her tired state, and Lena smoothed down her awry curls, before looking about.

 

            A man in a grey suit peeled away from the alcove of the pub’s doorway, waving a hand in greeting as he jogged towards her. He had deeply tanned skin, dark hair and eyes, and a closely trimmed beard. Lena noticed how perfect his teeth were as he gave her a friendly smile, nearing her. She supposed that this was her agent.

 

            “Jack Spheer. MI6,” the man said, holding a hand out to her as he gave her a friendly smile. 

 

            Reaching out to shake it, Lena gave him a curt nod, before dropping her hand. “A pleasure, Agent Spheer.”

 

            “Oh, and you brought your daughter,” he said with surprise, taking in the little girl hiding behind Lena’s leg.

 

            “I could hardly find a babysitter three hours after landing.”

 

            He ignored her bristly reply and sank into a crouch, giving Laurel a wide smile as he held his hand out to her. “And what’s your name then?”

 

            Shyly peering out from around Lena’s leg, Laurel chewed on her lip as she avoided looking at Jack, and Lena gently stroked her hair as she looked down at her daughter with amusement. “Laurel,” she eventually answered.

 

            “That’s a pretty name,” Jack told her, “it’s lovely to make your acquaintance.”

 

            He extended his hand a little more, and slowly, the little girl stepped out from behind her mother and shook it, a smile curling her lips as she looked up at the man with curiosity. Cocking his head to the side, Jack dropped her hand and gave her a smile.

 

            “I like your duck backpack.”

 

            Laughing, Lena watched as he straightened up, brushing his hands over his suit to try and smooth out the wrinkles, and cleared his throat. Jerking his head towards the shabby front of a pub tucked in beside a newsagents and a fish and chip shop, he gestured for Lena to go first.

 

            “I thought we could have a drink while we talk.”

 

            “A drink? It’s barely noon.”

 

            Shrugging, he gave her a helpless gesture, “well it’s one of the few places we won’t be overheard. I can’t march you into MI6 headquarters without tipping off anyone who’s watching us about you helping, and I’ve been briefed on your position with the DEO, which is strictly covert. Seeing as neither of us can risk anyone finding out the details … a pub.”

 

            He pushed the door open and waved her in ahead, and Lena gripped her daughter’s hand before walking in, passing through a second door before she stepped into the actual pub. It smelled of floor polish and beer, and she looked around the dingy place, taking in the dark booths lit by dim lights, the string of flags for the Six Nations strung up around the place, the man wiping down the dark wooden counter.

 

            Telling her to go to the booth in the far corner, offering a good view of the door, while remaining safely out of the way of easy eavesdropping, Lena walked over to it and settled Laurel down in the corner, watching as Jack spoke to the barman in hushed tones. A few minutes later, he returned with a couple of glasses and a bag of chips. A pint glass was nudged towards her, filled with an amber liquid, and she frowned at it, taking in his glass of Coke and the small glass of water for Laurel.

 

            “I don’t drink beer.”

 

            “Yeah, I thought so too,” Jack said with a smile, “it’s Magners. Cider. Thought you might want a drink after that flight.”

 

            Shrugging, she gave him a small smile, taking a sip of it and finding it to her liking. “Thanks.”

 

            He waved aside her gratitude and opened the packet of chips, setting them down in front of Laurel, before glancing up at Lena to make sure it was okay. “Just some Quavers for the little one, to keep her happy.”

 

            Nodding, Lena stared at him with curiosity, a wariness inside her as she wondered if he was genuinely kind, or had some other reasons for playing nice for the time being. If they were going to work together, she’d have to trust him, and no one at the DEO would willingly have sent her walking into danger, from her brother or another agent, so she set her reservations aside and forced herself to believe that perhaps Jack was a good person. 

 

            Watching as he took a sip of his Coke and clapped his hands together, a determined smile on his face, she had an inkling that he was going to be as invested in this as she was. Lena just hoped that he wouldn’t hold any of her family’s things against her. He seemed perfectly at ease around her so far, with none of the uncomfortable awkwardness of meeting someone for the first time, and Lena watched as he produced a pack of cards he’d swiped from the bar, emptying them out of the packet and shuffling them, thumbing the worn edges.

 

            “So, does everyone know how to play snap?”

 

            Lena gave him a blank look while her daughter’s hand shot up, a look of excitement on her face. Giving Lena a warm smile, he continued to shuffle the cards, and she looked at him with disbelief as he started setting cards down. He talked as he played, keeping Laurel occupied, and Lena was having a hard time taking him serious as he loudly interrupted his briefing with a loud exclamation of ‘snap!’, followed by a thud as a small hand beat him to the pile of cards beneath his large hand. For a brief moment, she saw a comparison to Kara, that childlike excitement, easy friendliness and unabashed joy in silly things. But then it was gone as he picked up where he’d left off, leaving Lena sitting there in a daze, thinking about the woman she’d left behind.


	21. Chapter 21

            The first week in London passed by quickly. After the initial shock of it all, with the meetings with the DEO agents, Jack, and dealing with jetlag and a child, Lena found herself getting into a routine. She’d called Kara as soon as it was possible to do so, doing it over the phone, rather than Facetiming, because she knew she was tired enough to get a little bit teary, missing her roommate more than she cared to admit, and she’d felt instantly better, if only a little more homesick, once hanging up. After a proper night’s sleep in the unfamiliar bed, Laurel curled up beside her while the radiator creaked occasionally, flooding the room with warmth, a decent shopping trip to Tesco, stocking up the cupboards with real food, and a sense of purpose after dropping into the office when the promised car came to pick her, Lena felt as if she’d somewhat found her footing without Kara.

 

            Still, she missed her terribly, but the ache became bearable after the first week. After that, she got on with things, getting used to the drab March weather, with no sign of spring ready to burst forth with blue skies and spots of colour in the grey city. It wasn’t until after the first week that Jack got in touch with her again, deeming her settled enough to get to work on their shared case, and it was with much surprise that she answered the door to find him stood there on Wednesday morning. Looking disheveled in a fluffy dressing gown she’d purchased from Next, a silver handled cooking knife hidden behind her back, she threw the door open to reveal the ruffled form of her new partner and felt the air flee from her lungs. 

 

            Clutching a hand to her chest, Lena drew in a sharp breath, giving him a disgruntled look as she took in the rain dotted grey overcoat, the navy and scarlet scarf, two coffees in a cardboard drink tray and a paper bag from Costa. “What the hell are you doing here?” she breathlessly asked,  _ “how  _ do you know where I live?”

 

            He smiled at her and let himself in, looking around with interest as he walked down the short hallway and into the apartment. “I got it from Agent Haley when I was arranging a place for you to meet me. Thought it’d be easier if we worked here so you don’t have to find someone to look after your little one. God, it’s a cold one today.”

 

            “Right,” she mumbled, following after him with a flicker of unease rising within. 

 

            She rarely let people she didn’t know well into her apartment in National City, let alone on the other side of the world, where she knew even less about the said person. Even if they were going to be working together, there was a part of Lena that didn’t trust Jack, based on nothing more than years of self-preservation. It would be a trifling thing for her brother to buy off an overseas government agent and then manipulate the game to isolate Lena in a foreign country, away from people she knew would protect her and her family. Yet as she watched him set down his armful on the counters, shedding his coat and scarf and draping them over a bar stool, his suit jacket quick to follow, she couldn’t help but feel like he had good intentions. 

 

            Walking over to the wooden knife holder, she let the knife slide into place with an audible slither and thud, and Jack looked up to watch, seemingly unbothered by the fact that she’d had a knife hidden behind her back, with the intention to use it if the need had arisen. Picking up the paper bags, he held one out to her, and slid a paper coffee cup across the counter with a small smile.

 

            “Croissant and a cappuccino. I wasn’t sure what kind of coffee you liked.”

 

            Warily approaching the counter, she wrapped her dressing gown tighter around herself, before reaching out to take hold of the coffee, although she didn’t drink any as she blatantly stared at him for a moment. When he looked up, meeting her flat stare, he raised his eyebrows slightly, the corners creasing with amusement, and Lena cleared her throat.

 

            “Thank you.”

 

            “So where do you want to begin?”

 

            Shrugging indifferently, she grabbed the paper bag and took her coffee over to the sofa, settling down on it and peering into the bag. It was a plain butter croissant, the pastry a golden brown and flaky on top. Jack took a seat at the far end of the sofa, giving her some space, and pulled a manila folder out of his leather satchel, setting it down on the coffee table beside his coffee and opening it up. Lena caught a glimpse of photos and a police record.

 

            “How about you tell me what you’ve put together first and we’ll see if what we’ve got lines up?” she suggested.

 

            Picking up his coffee, Jack leant back in the sofa, crossing one leg over the other as a thoughtful look crossed his face. From their first interaction, Lena took him as someone who was easily comfortable around anyone, chatting about football with the barman who’d brought them a second round of drinks at the pub, playing hand after hand of snap with Laurel, who took a quick liking to him, and seemingly always smiling and making a quick joke. Now, he was all business, though still clearly at ease in her presence, even in the personal setting of her new apartment.

 

            “Okay. Alexander Luthor. Your typical mob boss. Based in National City, with ties all over the States and the UK. He deals in the usual stuff we see from these guys. Guns, drugs, people smuggling. We’ve got him down for at least a dozen murders on our soil, but we’ve never been able to get anyone to testify against him. Seems like most people are either bought off, or end up disappearing.”

 

            “So far we’re on the same page.”

 

            “Right. And then we’ve got Benjamin Lockwood. American businessman turned politician, born to British parents, who’s part of the Tories now that he’s relocated to London. An outspoken xenophobe, big on his right-wing policies and his British First outlook. He’s been making some noise for the past year or so, rising in the Tory ranks and earning himself a loyal fanbase. They’ve been doing some digging at the Home Office, and word got to us about his front as a politician. Apparently his plans to keep the streets clean was a code for rounding up all the homeless people, and any other waifs and strays hanging about, and shipping them all off to the States. We’ve had a surge in missing person reports over the last year, with most of them being immigrants. A consultant of mine who doesn’t work for the agency hacked into Lockwood’s bank records for me and found an offshore account in the Cayman Islands, with regular deposits coinciding with the dates of shipments from one of his companies he owns as a side to his work in politics. It’s a shipping company. I haven’t been able to secure a warrant for his CCTV footage down at the docks, or a search warrant yet, so this is still speculation to my bosses, but I just  _ know _ that I’m right.”

 

            Giving him an encouraging look, Lena nodded, “I think so too. There’s too many coincidences. So how do we prove it?”

 

            “You have Jensen in custody, right? He’s the common link between the two of them, so we need to get him to talk. Get in touch with your people and see what they can do.”

           

            “And in the meantime?”

 

            “The Graves siblings. Another link. Both of them are here in London, and we’re monitoring their whereabouts. I think perhaps they’re our best bet too. If we can get one of them into custody - I’m thinking the brother, Otis, because his sister seems a nasty piece of work - and get them to talk, we have solid evidence to bring in Lockwood. Once we have Lockwood, he’ll want to protect her public image, and we can bring in a plea deal for him to testify against your brother for human trafficking. If we can get Luthor on this one count, then we’ll be able to get a search warrant and bring him in on the other charges.”

 

            Lena was silent for a moment, plucking the croissant from the paper bag and taking a bite, pastry raining down onto her fluffy dressing gown as she chewed thoughtfully. Brushing the crumbs onto the floor, she swallowed and reached for her coffee, feeling Jack’s eyes on her as she settled back into her seat and took a sip. Rolling the sweetness of the coffee around in her mouth, she considered everything he’d said, a flicker of hope fighting to stay alight amidst a sea of blackness inside her, her desperate need to see her brother behind bars so strong that she couldn’t bear the thought of them failing.

 

            “That’s a lot of ifs,” she eventually said,

 

            With a quick laugh, Jack shrugged, giving her a droll smile as he took a sip of coffee. Tilting his head to the side, he gave her a scrutinising look. “It is. Are you a gambling woman, Agent?”

 

            Lips twitching slightly, as if she was about to smile, Lena gave her a burning look. “Only when I know I’m going to win.”

 

            “So …”

 

            “We’d better see if we can bag ourselves a Graves sibling.”

 

            They got to work after that. Lena made frequent trips to the DEO office, sitting in a small room lit by two strip lights bathing the room in a sombre glow, a trestle table and fold out chair occupying the middle of the empty space. An old fashioned landline sat on the wall, and a large screen sat on the bare concrete wall. She would usually video call Hank on the large screen, swapping information, learning as much as she could from what they were doing over in National City, and trying to use it to help her work in London. Occasionally she’d use the landline to call the number given to her by Hank. It put her straight through to her mother, and Lena would ask blunt questions in an interrogation-like fashion, while Lillian tried to coax a real conversation out of her daughter. As stubborn as ever, Lena refused to give her mother anything, and Lillian would usually sigh and let slip some tidbit of information, a small intermediate clicking sound reminding them that the conversation was being recorded the entire time. She hated those calls with her mother, but knew that she needed what Lillian knew. Her mother had a wealth of knowledge about the inner workings of her family’s crime organisation dating back to when Lena’s grandfather had been in charge, and Lillian had just married into the family. There were secrets that Lena had never even considered, contacts she’d never heard of, and horrifying stories that made her stomach turn as she listened to her mother tell them.

 

            By the end of the first month, the only thing they had to show for their efforts was a phone call that Lena had received off Hank, informing her that Jensen had been killed in the cell they were keeping him in. Icy fear filled her with a bone chilling coldness at those words, and the spark of hope guttered within her. As selfish as it was, her first thought was of how it was going to mean that her stay in London was going to be a lot longer than she’d originally anticipated. A big part of her had been clinging to the idea that her and Jack wouldn’t have to go through the effort of catching Mercy or Otis before Jensen cracked, and that he’d crack quickly, giving them everything they needed. She imagined that she’d be home in a few short weeks, sleeping in her own bed, spending the summer in Midvale with Kara, like they had before. Instead, her stomach was knotted with unease and devastation as she took in the news.

 

            Jack took the news as if it was nothing, a minor inconvenience, but nothing that would slow them down, and that irritated Lena more than she cared to admit. He would happily spend the next year weaving all the threads together, as if he had all the time in the world, while she spent every moment wishing that she was back home with her family. Even as the weather grew milder, a hint of blue colouring the sky as the first green buds flowered, it did little to improve her sour mood.

 

            The only balm to the sharp pain of missing Kara was her daily calls with her friend. Late at night, Lena would curl up on the sofa with a glass of wine, Laurel having long since been tucked into bed with a story, and she’d call Kara, the dull ache receding as she listened to the comforting voice. They’d talk about their day, and she could hear the happiness in Kara’s voice as she told her about going to the movies with Imra and Alex, game night with all of their friends, and Imra too, and how she’d gone out for lunch with Imra and saved the life of a man who started choking in the restaurant. Lena quickly picked up on each mention of her partner, and an unfamiliar jealousy reared its head at the thought of her being replaced. Kara was doing fine - better than fine - and Lena was glad for that, but it only made her feel worse to know that she was all alone, that she was the one who wasn’t coping well.

 

            Weeks passed by and she found herself growing restless as they tried to find answers. All of Lillian’s tips and information led to dead ends, as if Lex knew that his mother might talk, and had made sure to take care of anything incriminating. They couldn’t find a good time to take either Mercy or Otis into custody, the pair of them always together, always surrounded by members of various gangs in London, and Lena knew that they were going to have to plan it perfectly to pull it off properly. She wasn’t sure she had the patience to wait though, but much to her bitterness, she knew that it wasn’t something she could rush. It was better to wait and suffer through the distance, than to go back empty handed and put everyone she loved in danger.

 

            For all of her loneliness though, she got used to being alone. It wasn’t that the aching went away, but rather that it was so ever-present that she got used to the heartache, and didn’t recognise its existence anymore. She talked to Kara everyday, Sam and Alex called weekly to check up on her, Winn made a call whenever he remembered, and even James called twice over the two months. It was touching to know that she  _ did _ have friends, not just people she knew in relation to Kara, but it made her miss them even more, knowing that they would all be drinking wine together on Saturday nights, having game nights and going out to bars together. She missed spending time with people who knew her, she missed spending time with Kara, and most of all, she missed the way that Kara made her feel. Being so far away from her, it was like she’d left pieces of herself behind - the best parts of herself - as if they solely existed  _ because _ of Kara, and she missed the person that she’d been. Lena knew herself well enough to know that she’d changed a lot since meeting Kara, and it wasn’t too much of a reach to say that it was  _ because _ of her. 

 

            In London, she was sharper, blunter and more ruthless. A disconcerting feeling filled Lena as she picked up on these subtle changes in her personality, knowing that it was akin to the kind of person she’d been with her family, and it troubled her that those parts of her were still there, buried beneath all of the gentleness and love that had grown over the years. The only time she felt normal was with Laurel. Her daughter had a way of bringing out those best parts of her, making her laugh as they sprawled out on the living room floor, colouring in pictures, or as she made up games that Lena had to help orchestrate, the Barbie dolls and stuffed animals acting out whatever scenes came to the young girl’s mind. They had tea parties, went to London Zoo, spent days at Hyde Park feeding the ducks, with Laurel becoming terrified of the nosy geese. Lena promised that she’d take her to Buckingham Palace if they were still there in summer, although a small part of her hoped that they wouldn’t be. Her daughter was her only lifeline in the long weeks spent chasing down leads to catch her brother, and even then, Lena felt like she might still go mad.

 

            Surprisingly, it was Jack who offered her some reprieve from the stress and dreariness of her life. He came by her apartment often, bring Indian or Chinese food, a bottle of wine and files of paperwork, spreading them out across Lena’s coffee table as they worked late into the night with the TV quietly playing in the background. They went for coffee early in the morning, and he’d take hold of Laurel’s other hand and swing her back and forth, much to Lena’s amusement. He never questioned why her daughter always had to accompany her, but made adjustments to their plans so that she could. He bought a booster seat for his sleek black car, taking them to a farm outside of the city, him and Lena conversing in quiet voices about their latest discoveries or information gleaned from co-workers, while they watched Laurel run over to the pen holding tiny Shetland ponies with their shaggy manes. They got to know each other quite well over the weeks, and Lena begrudgingly found herself coming to trust him.

 

            Still, as open and kind as he was, she kept much of herself hidden, as she was wont to do around new people. For all their talks, and near-daily visits with each other, Lena didn’t share much about herself. Jack was too talkative to keep much secret though, telling her about the football scores from the latest Liverpool match, inviting her over to his surprisingly tidy apartment, telling her about his family. Lena suspected that he might’ve been doing it to let her into his life, as he was so immersed in hers that she didn’t have to tell him a single fact that was public knowledge to intelligence agencies. He knew all about her family, about her childhood, her life since she’d been kicked out. It bothered Lena sometimes, that people were so invasive, but she knew that she wouldn’t be able to remain unscathed by her brother’s criminal activities. The most she could do was prove that she was better than him. 

 

            But she still didn’t like sharing much of herself with other people - Kara being the exception - and there were things that even Jack didn’t know about her. One such instance occurred nearly at the end of the two months mark, when they were making a quick stop off at Greggs for something to eat, before taking Laurel to the park so that they could talk. The shop was stuffily warm, and Lena browsed the display of pastries, picking a cheese and onion bake and a bottle of Ribena for herself, and a sausage roll for Laurel, while Jack chose his own food.

 

            “Oh they look good don’t they?” Jack said, resting a hand on Laurel’s shoulder as he crouched slightly to point at a doughnut with rainbow sprinkles on top. “Do you want one of those? If mummy says yes, of course.”

 

            He looked up at Lena, who shrugged vaguely in agreement, watching as Jack asked for one of them, along with a chicken bake, and gave the woman a smile as he handed over the money. He picked Laurel up when the woman handed over the bag with the doughnut, letting her take it herself, and Lena smiled as her daughter thanked the woman and laughed as Jack tickled her.

 

            “What a nice daddy, huh?” the woman behind the counter smiled as she watched Jack set Laurel down.

 

            Jack turned to look at her with raised eyebrows, a look of surprise on his face, and Lena let out a quiet snort of laughter, stepping forward to help collect the rest of the food that was bagged up for them. Reaching out for Laurel’s hand, Lena held on tightly and walked back out into the cool weather, hunching her shoulders against the bitter wind as her dark hair was tossed around her face. Looking both ways, she quickly crossed the road, with Jack following after her, and they made their way to the park, the two adults taking a seat on a peeling bottle green bench while Laurel abandoned all thoughts of her doughnut for the moment and splashed through muddy puddles on the way to the slide. 

 

            Pushing her cheese and onion bake up in the paper bag, Lena took a bite, her green eyes watchful as she paid attention to her daughter, watching her go around the back and emerge on the lower platform of the playground equipment. She waved as Laurel appeared at the top of the slide, and her daughter eagerly waved back, before launching herself down the dirty yellow plastic, her pink wellies splashing in the puddle at the foot of it. Laughing, she went to go again, and Lena smiled to herself as she chewed.

 

            “Sorry about in there,” Jack quietly said, tearing her attention away from her daughter.

 

            Making a questioning sound, Lena frowned as she took another bite, showering her raincoat with flaky pastry, looking up at Jack in confusion. He grimaced, a sheepish look on his face as he pushed his chicken bake up in the bag. “Daddy.”

 

            Lena let out a snort of laughter at the one word explanation, shaking her head as she turned back to Laurel. A wry smile curled her lips as she pushed dark hair out of her face and took in her daughter’s features. Her dark brown eyes, black curls and deeply tanned skin were in stark contrast with Lena’s features, and she turned to look at Jack, cocking her head to the side as she looked at his face. 

 

            “I mean, she looks more like you than me.”

           

            “Takes after her dad, I take it?”

 

            Shrugging indifferently, Lena’s expression darkened, “yeah.”

 

            “So, who is he? Not one of your brother’s men; he wasn’t in your …”

 

            Lena arched an eyebrow up at him, a sardonic curl to her small smile, and she met his sheepish stare with a hard one of her own. “In my file? No, I don’t suppose he would be.”

 

            “I don’t mean to pry-”

 

            “It’s fine,” she curtly replied, “I don’t know who he is. I mean, I don’t remember who. But yeah, I guess she must look like him.”

 

            “You never wanted to find them again? For her sake?”

 

            “No.”

 

            “Oh.”

 

            Letting out a heavy sigh, Lena clenched her jaw, a dark look in her eyes as she watched her daughter go shooting down the slide again. The sky was a hard white, everything a dreary grey as leaves blew around in the breeze, and she shivered in her coat as the pastry warmed her hands through the grease stained bag. Her stomach clenched slightly as she thought about Laurel, about what was best for her, and not for the first time, she wondered if perhaps she would’ve been better off with two parents. But Kara had always been there for her, acting in her own way as a second parent, and Lena hadn’t even thought that perhaps there were things that a father figure could’ve brought to her daughter’s life. But Jack was so good with her, and the woman was right to think that she could’ve been his daughter, given their similar colouring, and Lena silently thought about what her life could’ve looked like with a dad in the picture. Deflating slightly, she took a rough bite out of her food and leant forward, propping her elbows on her knees as her shoulders were pulled taut against her coat.

 

            “She doesn’t need anyone else in her life,” Lena softly said, losing some of her hardness as she watched Laurel with an intense look on her face, the tension bleeding out of her shoulders, “everything was going great until I got transferred here. It’s not like I was a single parent.”

 

            “Oh, so that roommate of yours is actually-”

 

            “My best friend. She just- she’s been there from the day Ducky was born. I’ve never  _ needed _ anyone else. She’s never needed another parent to look after her. I mean, I had two,  _ and _ I was spoilt rotten, and my life turned out a fucking disaster, so it’s not like her having a dad is going to guarantee that she’ll turn out better because of it.”

 

            He grimaced at her and shrugged half-heartedly, his brown eyes taking on a rare serious quality as the wind ruffled his neatly combed back hair. With a sigh, he leant back against the bench, one arm slung along the back of the wood, and he gave her an understanding look. “I get it. My mum died when I was eleven, and my dad tried his best. I turned out okay. I still miss her though.”

 

            Giving him a grim look of pity, Lena nodded, and they fell into silence as they ate the rest of their Greggs, watching the little girl race about the playground. After they’d finished eating, they spoke about their case, trading the latest news from the DEO and MI6, comparing the facts to make sure their information matched, while they made plans for their next move. Eventually Jack was coerced into pushing Laurel on the swings, even though Lena offered to save him from the ordeal. Laurel was very persistent, and Jack was all too willing to oblige her, grabbing her around the waist with ease and clamping her under one arm as he strolled towards the swings swaying in the wind. Smiling softly, Lena watched as Jack set her down on the rubber seat, his low voice drifting towards her as he warned the little girl to hold on tight, before he took up position behind her and dutifully pushed her into motion, the swing going as fast as he dared let it, in case Laurel accidentally went flying off it and onto the asphalt beneath it. 

 

            Listening to the sounds of the cars honking and the city traffic rumbling around her, Lena felt surprisingly at ease in the little park, with the privilege of handing over parental responsibilities to someone else for a few minutes, without having to worry. She didn’t have anyone to trust in London, but she was having a hard time finding anything to fault Jack for. He was smart, as dedicated to his work as she was, funny and kind, and was the only person who’d made an effort to make sure she did something even remotely human while there. 

 

            As far as the DEO agents were concerned about her, well, they weren’t. They left her to her business, and as long as she made a weekly visit to the office to sit in a safe room and use the secure line to converse with Hank and her mother, reporting on her findings and listening to the new information fed to her, the London based agents didn’t seem to even acknowledge the fact that she was there. Going to the park with someone else who wasn’t a child was a nice change, giving Lena the chance to have a physical conversation with someone who could understand why the sky was blue and why they had to leave Aunt Kara behind.

 

            As she watched, her phone started vibrating in her coat pocket, and Lena fished it out, her face lighting up as she took in Kara’s name on the screen. A smile softening the stern look on her face, Lena deflated in her seat as she answered the phone and listened to the familiar comforting sound of Kara’s voice come through.

 

_             “Hi! I have some exciting news! Are you sitting down?” _

 

            Lena let out a choked laugh at Kara’s instant rambling, a warmth blooming in her chest as she listened to her friend speak. “Yeah, what’s going on?”

 

_             “I’m coming to see you!” _

 

            She sat in stunned silence for a moment, the words a shock, and couldn’t even form a coherent thought as she forcefully exhaled, blinking in surprise as her mouth uselessly opened and closed. Eventually she managed to make a strangled sound, her eyes prickling slightly as a soothing feeling of solace washed over her at the thought of Kara being there with her, and she let out a shaky laugh.

 

            “When?”

 

_             “May twenty-first.” _

 

            “In a  _ week?  _ Are you serious? How long are you coming for?”

 

_             “Two weeks! I can’t wait. I can’t wait to see you. And Ducky too of course. I just- I’ve been missing you so much; it feels like you’ve been gone forever.” _

 

            Blinking rapidly a few times, Lena’s lips curled into a soft smile as a weariness washed over her, and she slumped on the bench, feeling calm for the first time since she’d said goodbye to Kara at the airport. She would be here in a week, and everything would feel right again. She could hold on for that long.

 

            “You should’ve told me you were thinking of coming,” Lena gently said, “I would’ve booked you a First Class flight. Let me send you the money for it.”

 

_             “No, no, it’s fine, really, Lena. I just really want to see you.” _

 

            “Is everything okay?”

           

            The familiar warmth of Kara’s laugh sent a thrill through her, and she couldn’t help but smile, biting her lip as she thought of seeing her again, holding her close when they were reunited at the airport. It was everything she’d been craving, and the thought sent a rush through her. 

 

_             “Everything’s fine,” _ Kara airily replied,  _ “I just thought that you might pass out in shock if I turned up at your door without telling you first.” _

 

            She looked up as Jack walked back towards her, holding Laurel’s hand as the little girl splashed in brown puddles of rainwater, and was conscious of the fact that he was close enough to listen in on her conversation. Politely giving her some time to wrap up her call, he took a seat on the bench, wedging Laurel in between, and handed her the sprinkled covered doughnut, taking a bite when it was offered up to him. Giving him a small smile, Lena held the phone to her ear.

 

            “Well what time does your flight get in? I’ll come and pick you up.”

 

_             “I’ll email you all my flight details,” _ Kara excitedly told her.

 

            “Okay, great. I can’t wait,” Lena said, genuinely meaning it as she tried to keep a bright smile off her face. “I, uh, I’ll call you later and we can talk about it some more. I’ve got some work stuff to finish up right now.”

 

_             “Great! I’ll speak to you later. Have fun! Tell Ducky I said hi.” _

 

            “Will do. Bye.”

 

            The hung up after a few moments and Lena sat there staring at her phone screen as her stomach fluttered nervously in anticipation of seeing Kara again. She didn’t realise that she was smiling until Jack commented on it.

 

            “You seem happy. Good news?”

 

            “Kara’s coming to visit.”

 

            “The roommate?” At Lena’s nod, he smiled, “that’s exciting. When’s she thinking of coming?”

 

            “Next week.”

 

            His eyebrows rose slightly in surprise, “that’s sudden. She must miss you.”

 

            Lena felt her cheeks warm slightly and she hoped that they were already a little bit rosy from the wind, not wanting Jack to get the wrong idea. She knew how Kara felt about her, and she didn’t want Jack to get the wrong idea about the visit, considering the fact that he’d already made more than one insinuation that Kara was more to her than just a friend. In some ways, she was, but not in the way that he imagined. She wanted to keep Kara out of anything that complicate things as much as possible, and letting their feelings cloud the reason for her visit would definitely complicate things. It would already be difficult enough to say goodbye again when she had to leave, with Lena stuck in London, without considering the real reason for Kara’s visit. Perhaps the distance hadn’t lessened her feelings and given her room to move on, and maybe that was why she was visiting, to ease the pain of being away from Lena. Or perhaps it was purely to visit her friend and do some travelling at the same time.

 

            “Yeah, I miss her too,” Lena murmured.

 

            “If you need a car to go and pick her up, you’re welcome to borrow mine,” Jack offered, climbing to his feel and brushing dirt off the hem of his navy parka. “And if you need someone to watch Ducky, if you two want a few moments to catch up on the way back, I’d be more than happy to babysit for you.”

 

            Tilting her head to the side, Lena stared up at him, taking in the serious look on his face as he spoke, finding that he really meant it. She was touched by the gesture, but was unsure whether she felt comfortable leaving her daughter in the hands of a man who she’d only known for two months. But then she realised that it was stupid of her to be so paranoid. Jack had been nothing but kind to her, and even her sly requests for the DEO to dig into him had turned up nothing but what he’d told her himself. He’d started out in the army, done two tours in Iraq, and was recruited by MI6 upon his return to London. The most that Querl could find on him was a few parking tickets, and even they had been paid on time. Everything else came up clean. After a brief moment of hesitation, she gave him a quick smile, nodding.

 

            “Thank you.”

 

            He brushed her thanks aside, and the three of them strolled through the park and back out onto the streets of London. The sun came out for a moment, weak yellow sunshine reflecting off glass windows and in the shallow puddles from last night’s rain, and they walked unhurriedly through the city, with Jack swinging Laurel up onto his shoulders, much like Kara used to carry her around. Thoughts of Kara consumed Lena, everything reminding her of her friend, and she was preoccupied the rest of the walk back towards her apartment. Jack didn’t come up when they reached the front door, easing Laurel down onto the pavement and giving her a quick high five, before saying goodbye with the promise of seeing them tomorrow. 

 

            Making her way upstairs to her apartment, Lena ushered her daughter into the apartment and slowly followed after her, the apartment feeling more welcoming than it had ever been before, with thoughts of Kara brightening the place up with her presence making Lena soften. She’d never imagined herself capable of missing someone - not like this - and she found herself in a daze for the next few days, making quick plans with Kara over the phone, sorting out fresh sheets for the beds, cleaning up the general clutter than came with having a child, and tried not to think about her friend in every spare moment that she had.

 

            The following week seemed to drag, with Lena growing restless with impatience, but eventually the day came, and she running around the apartment like a mad woman all morning, Jack lounging on her sofa, even when she scolded him for messing up the decorative pillows, while Laurel played with her Lego in front of the TV. They were watching  _ Finding Nemo _ together, while Lena primped herself, trying to pretend that she wasn’t making an effort, and tidied up the kitchen after the mess from lunch. When it was time to go, she hesitant a moment longer, anxiously taking in the languid forms of Laurel and Jack, and making the decision to trust him. Giving her daughter a kiss goodbye and snagging Jack’s keys from the counter, she said goodbye and left to go and pick up Kara.

 

            The ride to the airport was stressful, with Lena having only driven on the left a handful of times, and she could feel her stomach nervously fluttering as she grew more agitated with every mile that passed by. Parking was another matter, with her circling the undercover lot up a few levels before she found one, killing the engine and taking a few moments to breathe. Checking her lipstick in the rearview mirror, she grabbed her bag and stepped out of the car. She’d made the effort to wear her favourite coat - a navy one with a faux fur collar - her hair sleek and shiny, and a cloud of her favourite perfume enveloping her. Nervously walking into the airport, she made her way to the arrivals gate, anxiously waiting at the barrier separating the arriving passengers from those waiting.

 

            As she stood there, she watched families reunite, newborn babies being brought home to meet grandparents, businessmen in expensive suits find the chauffeurs waiting for them with signs reading their names, young couples and friends with massive backpacks shouldered as they travelled the world. Each arrival made her tense for a moment, her hopes rising as she willed it to be Kara, before they settled back down and she was made to wait a little while longer.

 

            And then the doors parted again, and Lena’s heart soared at the sight of the blonde with a navy National City Sharks football cap tugged down low over a tired face. Blue eyes were a little faded behind the lenses of her glasses, but Kara looked around eagerly as she tried to spot Lena, pushing a trolley with a large suitcase and a backpack around the barrier. And then their eyes locked, and both of them sagged slightly as twin feelings of being home shot through them, and Lena’s heels hurriedly clicked across the tiled floor as she made her way towards the end of the metal railing.

 

            Letting go of her trolley, Kara stepped forward to catch her as Lena threw herself into her arms, burying her face in the shoulder of Kara’s khaki parka as strong arms encircled her. She felt the air rush out of her lungs as the familiar smell of Kara’s perfume soothed her, the way that her arms still fit around Lena in the same way, and her customary warmth radiated from her. Pulling back, Lena gave her a bright smile, willing herself not to cry as her eyes burned slightly. Kara was giving her her own wide smile, laced with tiredness after the flight, and her eyes holding a slight sheen to them, as if she was fighting back her own tears. Unable to stop herself, Lena wrapped her in another tight hug, squeezing her slightly, as if she could scarcely believe that she was actually there.

 

            “Hi,” she murmured, her body going slack in Kara’s arms.

 

            “Hi,” Kara whispered, a laugh in her voice as her cheek rested against Lena’s.

 

            They pulled apart again, and both burst into laughter as they held onto each other, drinking in the sight of each other after so many weeks apart. The ache in Lena’s chest flared up again, so strong that it was almost painful, and made itself known for the first time in a while. It was strange, how being reunited with Kara could make her heart ache so much, a keen reminder of just how much she had been missing her, and she gave Kara a small smile as she gave her hand a squeeze.

 

            “How was the flight?” Lena quietly asked, taking hold of the trolley and wheeling it away from the arrivals door.

 

            “It wasn’t so bad,” Kara said, giving her a tired smile as she reached out to give her arm a quick squeeze. Lena’s stomach lurched slightly with nerves, and she gave her a shaky smile in return. “God, I’m glad I’m here though. I’ve missed you!”

 

            Laughing, Lena wrinkled her nose, leaning to one side to gently bump Kara’s shoulder, “I’ve missed you too.”

 

            “Yeah?”

 

            “Of course!” Lena exclaimed, giving her an incredulous look, “I’ve been going mad without you.”

 

            Raising her eyebrows slightly, Kara gave her an amused look, “maybe you should come home then.”

 

            Scoffing, Lena rolled her eyes, a broody look crossing her face, before it split into a smile at the tender look on Kara’s face. Letting out a wistful sigh, Lena grimaced. “Soon, I hope. But for now, get ready for the most touristy packed two weeks of your life.”

 

            “I can’t wait!” Kara enthusiastically replied, a bounce in her step as she gave Lena a maddening grin, “we’re going to have the best time.”

 

            She threw an arm around Lena’s shoulders and let out a content sigh, and Lena was filled with a lighthearted joy as she directed them back towards the car. Paying for their parking ticket and ditching the trolley, they found the black car where Lena had parked it, and Lena unlocked it as she wheeled the case towards it. Stowing the suitcase in the trunk, Lena choked on a laugh as she watched Kara try to climb into the driver’s seat, a look of confusion on her face as she stared at the steering wheel. Directing her around to the other side with a look of amusement on her face, Lena slid onto the leather seat and belted herself in, the engine purring to life as Kara buckled herself up too, and then they were driving out of the airport and making their way towards London.

 

            They sat in comfortable silence for a while, the grey motorway dotted with cars moving in both directions, and Lena snuck furtive glances at Kara, watching her stare out the window and take in the scenery outside. She bit back a smile as she drove, feeling at ease with the presence of her best friend beside her. It had been a long time since she’d felt so comfortable with someone, and she was happy to drive along with Kara in silence. It felt like all the times they’d gone on long drives back home. Eventually, Kara nodded off though, and didn’t wake up until they hit the busier traffic on the outskirts of the city centre, the incessant beeping and loud rumbling engines stirring her. She blinked owlishly as she looked around, a surprised look on her face as she peered out at the ancient architecture mingling with steel and glass, the old fashioned black taxis and red phone boxes interposed between large electronic billboards and the neon lights of Topshop and Zara on the high street. 

 

            Eventually she pulled up outside her apartment building, with Kara climbing out a little slower, stretching as she looked around with interest, taking in the woman walking a little white poodle, and the trio of teenagers in Adidas tracksuits, while Lena pulled her case out of the trunk. Locking the car, she made her way over to the front door, unlocking it and ushering Kara into the foyer, before pushing the elevator buttoning and climbing in. They were up on Lena’s floor in a few seconds, and Lena lugged the case down the hallway, rejecting any of Kara’s offers to do it herself, and she stopped outside her door, the keys jingling as she let herself in. Bringing the case inside, Lena dumped it in the narrow hallway, turning to smile at Kara, who shut the door behind herself.

 

            Walking down the hallway, Lena walked into the sight of Jack laying on the sofa, his feet up on the arm, while Laurel sat on his legs, the TV playing  _ Tangled _ , and toys strewn all over the floor. As both of them turned to look at Lena, she let out a snort of laughter at the blue eyeshadow and butterfly clips that Jack was sporting, a dark look crossing the man’s face, as if warning Lena that she’d have to make it up to him. Turning her attention to her daughter, a slow smile spread across Lena’s face.

 

            “Look who I found.”

 

            “Aunt Kara!” Laurel shouted, jumping off the sofa and darting across the room, jumping into the startled blonde’s arms. 

 

            Laughing, Kara heaved her up, beaming up at the little girl as she hugged her tightly, and Laurel wrapped her arms around her neck a moment later, burying her face in Kara’s shoulder. “Hey, Ducky,” Kara said, her voice softening as she held the little girl close, “oh, I’ve missed you  _ so _ much! Have you been being good for mommy?”

 

            “Yes,” the little girl giggled as she pulled back.

 

            “Yeah? Good. I’ve got a present for you,” Kara said, her eyes crinkling as she smiled, “give me a kiss first though.”

 

            After obligingly kissing her, Laurel was set back down, hugging Kara’s leg, and Kara gave Jack a bright smile, taking an awkward step forward as Laurel refused to let go of her, and extended a hand. Jack rose to his feet, sheepishly wiping sparkly lipgloss off his lips as he reached out to shake Kara’s hand. “You must be Jack,” Kara smiled, “it’s nice to meet you.”

 

            “You too. I’ve heard a lot about you from Lena.”

 

            “Oh?” Kara murmured, turning to raise her eyebrows at Lena, who rolled her eyes as she fought back a smile. “Good things I hope.”

 

            “Of course,” Jack said, leaning in and talking in a loud whisper, his warm eyes creasing at the corners as he glanced over at Lena, “I think she misses you.”

 

            Kara laughed, her cheeks turning a little pink, and she shrugged off her coat, pulled off her cap and took a look around the place. It wasn’t as homely as their own apartment, or anywhere as near as big or luxurious, but it catered to what Lena needed while they were there, and she shifted slightly as she watched Kara take in the photos of them, the touches of life that Lena had used to bring to their own apartment. She doubted that their one in National City had Lego and My Little Pony dolls strewn across the floor anymore.

 

            “Right, well, I should be off. It was lovely to meet you, Kara. I’m sure I’ll see you again while you’re here,” Jack said, plucking butterfly clips from his hair and setting a handful down on the coffee table, before he ruffled Laurel’s hair and gave Lena a smile, catching the keys she threw at him. “I’ll call you if I find anything new.”

 

            Nodding, Lena gave him a small smile, “right. Thanks for the car and the babysitting.”

 

            He dismissively waved aside her thanks, giving her a lopsided smile as he walked through the apartment, his broad shoulders making him seem too big in the small space, “no worries. Enjoy your night, ladies.”

 

            Leaving with a chorus of goodbye’s following after him, Jack left and the door clicked into place behind him. The three of them stood in the middle of the apartment for a moment, before Lena clapped her hands together and smiled at her friend and daughter. “So, who wants some tea?”

 

            Soon enough, the three of them were sitting on the rug in front of the TV,  _ Tangled _ still playing on the screen, cups of tea on coasters and a plate of Mr Kipling cakes in the middle. Lena had a cherry bakewell on her plate, while Kara took a bite out of an angel slice, nodding appreciatively as she eyed the tiny slice of cake. Sipping hot tea and listening to the music in the movie, they all lounged around as they sky started to turn the purple of a bruise outside the windows, and Lena ushered a drowsy Kara onto the sofa and draped a blanket over her, leaving her to nap for a while. 

 

            She quietly bathed Laurel and got her changed into pyjamas, ordered Chinese from the local takeaway place she’d discovered - it was the best one she’d tried so far in London, and she hoped that Kara would like it - and quietly read through a few confidential files while she had a few minutes of peace and quiet. The apartment was plunged into a hushed quietness as Laurel played silently in her bedroom, and Lena sat on one of the bar stools, the rasping sound of paper against paper one of the only things to break the steady silence, and soon the sky was dark outside, the apartment lights bathing the place in a sharp white light.

 

            It wasn’t until a loud knock on the door that Kara stirred, and Lena slid off the stool, aware of the shifting sounds behind her, grabbing a few notes from her purse and going to greet the delivery person. She handed the bored looking young girl two twenties and told her to keep the change, before carrying the armful of food back inside. It was far too much for two adults and a child, but she’d wanted to make sure there were a lot of options for Kara, and she didn’t know how hungry she was, and they’d eat it tomorrow anyway. The smell of food roused Kara even more than the knock, and she was blearily looking in Lena’s direction, her glasses lopsided on her face as she frowned, looking around the place.

 

            “Hey,” Lena softly greeted her, “I bought Chinese. Are you hungry now, or do you want to go and wash up first?”

 

            “Mm, yeah, a shower would be nice,” Kara mumbled, rubbing at her tired eyes as she yawned.

 

            Nodding, Lena dragged her case further into the apartment and went to fetch her some clean towels, waiting until Kara had gathered her things, before she showed her towards the bathroom. Walking back into the kitchen, she pulled plates out of the cupboard while she listened to the sound of the shower sputtering to life, ignoring the clenched feeling in her stomach as she started unpacking the food. It came in little foil containers, and she took the liberty of scooping out spoonfuls of special fried rice and noodles onto the plates while she waited for Kara to finish showering.

 

            By the time she emerged, blonde hair wrapped up in a towel, a pair of grey sweats and a sweater on, her feet snug in fluffy socks, Lena and Laurel were sitting at the table, the food spread out on the surface top, and Lena smiled at her, nudging a glass of water towards her. Kara was quick to come alive, asking Laurel lots of questions, making the little girl promise to show her around the city, and Lena watched with a tender expression, feeling her throat close up a little as she watched the familiar ease with which Kara conversed with her daughter. She’d missed it so much; she’d missed  _ her. _

 

            It was a slow night, as if they had all the time in the world, laughing as they ate, the sounds of the city quiet beyond the double glazing of the windows, and Lena found herself laughing more than she had in the past two months combined, listening to Kara wind her daughter up as they stuffed themselves with food. When they were finished, Lena let Kara put Laurel to bed while she cleaned up their dinner, packing the leftovers away in the fridge and cleaning the plates. She had a bottle of wine uncorked by the time that Kara returned, her voice low as she quietly informed her that Laurel was down, and Lena gave her a soft smile, pouring some Riesling into the two glasses set down before her, handing one over to Kara and carrying her own and the bottle over to the sofa. 

 

            They sat down side by side, a thick knitted blanket draped over their legs and a music channel softly playing in the background as they quietly spoke. Things they’d forgotten to mention on the phone came up, things they’d forgotten about or hadn’t had the time to tell each other, and Lena revelled in the feeling of catching up with Kara, feeling closer to her than ever as the distance was closed and she was with someone that she knew, and knew her, completely. It was all so effortless between them, their glasses of wine quickly emptying and being refilled again as they chatted in quiet voices, telling stories and laughing at funny things they’d both missed out on in each other’s lives. But there was also a hint of sadness lingering in the air as they realised how much they’d missed, and as Lena drained her glass, setting it down on the coffee table as she stared at the empty bottle, she let out a soft sigh.

 

            Kara nudged her under the blanket with her foot, and Lena looked up to take in the searching look in her blue eyes, a soft look of concern on her face. “Hey, how’ve you been? Really been?”

 

            Before she could stop herself, she let out a choked sound as tears sprang to her eyes, and Lena squeezed them tightly shut, tilting her head back as she slowly breathed in and then let out a long sigh. For a long moment, she sat there in silence, huddled up beneath the blanket with her head resting against the back of the sofa, before she blinked a few times and met Kara’s worried stare.

 

            “I’m doing okay.”

           

            “Lena-”

 

            “What do you want me to say?” Lena softly asked, a bitter smile curling her lips. 

 

            Kara was clearly doing okay, and that was good. Lena was glad that she was handling it fine, because that made it easier for her; she didn’t have to worry about Kara. But  _ God,  _ she missed her.  She didn’t even know she  _ could _ miss someone, but she did. She missed her. She missed who she was with her, she missed coming home to someone or having someone come home to her, and she missed being touched. Lena had thought that she’d get used to it, that it’d get easier, but she just wanted to go home, and she couldn’t tell Kara any of that without making it harder for her too. Kara would just worry too much, and Lena didn’t want her to worry. Not when she’d be gone a few more months at least.

 

            “I want you to be honest with me.”

 

            Quietly scoffing, Lena smiled to herself, before reaching out to take Kara’s hand in her own, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I miss you.”

 

            “When’re they going to let you come home?”

 

            She shrugged half-heartedly, a disheartened look briefly flitting across her face as she avoided looking at Kara, “not until it’s safe. I’m trying my best to do what I can from here. Soon, hopefully.”

 

            “How soon?”

 

            Running a hand through her hair, Lena softly sighed. “I don’t know,” she admitted, “a few more months, maybe.”

 

_             “Months? _ You said you’d be gone for two.”

 

            “I  _ hoped _ ,” Lena hedged, guilt creeping up on her, “but things haven’t gone as well as I’d hoped. Believe me, I  _ want _ to come back, it’s just … it’s taking longer than I thought to sort it all out. And I don’t want to put you in any danger.”

 

            Snorting, Kara gave her a wry look, “oh  _ that _ again.”

 

            “What’s that supposed to mean?” Lena indignantly replied.

 

            “I don’t _need_ your protection, Lena,” Kara whispered, a yearning look in her eyes, “I just need you.”

 

            Looking away, Lena reached for the bottle of wine and took it into the kitchen, dumping it in the bin. Her shoulders were tense as she stood with her back to Kara, hands braced against the edge of the counters. “You know that I-”

 

            “I know.”

 

            “Do you want more wine?”

 

            “No, thank you. I’m tired. I think I’m going to need some time to get over this jetlag.”

 

            Nodding, Lena turned back around and gestured for Kara to follow her, leading her towards her own bedroom and flipping the lights on. “You can stay in here. I’ll take the sofa.”

 

            “No, I-”

 

            “Just for tonight,” Lena gently placated her, resting a hand on her arm as she gave her an uncertain smile, “so you can get a proper night’s rest. Sleep off that flight.”

 

            Nodding, Kara gave her a hesitant look, before she mumbled a goodnight and slipped inside. Lena walked through the apartment, checking the door and window alarms were engaged, the front door was bolted, her daughter was asleep, and made herself up a bed on the sofa with a few of the decorative pillows and the knitted blanket. Switching all the lights off, she kept one lamp on and burrowed down beneath the warmth of the wool, watching as the light beneath her door winked out, followed by the creaking of the bedsprings. 

 

            She let out a shuddering breath as her body went slack, relaxing into the sofa, but there was a knot of tension in her stomach. Already, it seemed like things with Kara were different than they had been. She hadn’t even given Lena the chance to finish what she’d been about to say, to say that she loved Kara and would rather be away from her for a whole year if that’s what it took to keep her safe, to keep her out of her brother’s scope, that she couldn’t live in a world without her, and would rather them be apart if it meant that they could be happy together one day. 

 

            She didn’t even consider what the image in her mind meant, that it was of the three of them in their apartment, in the future. Just the three of them. Not Kara with her own kids and a partner, but her with Lena. It didn’t occur to her that the image in her mind wasn’t one that she was supposed to envision with her friend, and she’d always known that things would change someday, but Lena had never imagined it actually changing. It had always been the three of them. She didn’t want that to change. It was the thing she was fighting to get back to.

 

            Sleep was a long time coming that night, with her restlessly tossing and turning on the sofa, getting up to get water and check on Laurel, staring at the sliver of the moon visible through the window, and wishing that she was laying beside Kara. She always slept better with her. Eventually she drifted off to sleep though, a grave look on her face as she was troubled by bad dreams, the faces of Laurel and Kara interposed with snatches of her brother. She didn’t know what he did to them, but it wasn’t good, and she woke early, when the sky was still mostly grey, and stared at the ceiling until she heard Kara rouse from her own sleep. 

 

            She was right to stay in London, no matter how much it hurt, but that didn’t mean she didn’t feel a keen stab of pain in her chest when a ruffled looking Kara stumbled out of the bedroom. It was a pain she’d never experienced before, as if she’d been roughly rejected by Kara last night, and Lena was confused as she softly greeted her, climbing to her feet to make some coffee for them both. A maelstrom of emotions whirled around within her, leaving her confused and irritated, and she stamped them down as much as she could, insisting on not letting it ruin her time with Kara. She’d spent a week organising things for them to do, and she wouldn’t waste a moment of it on arguing. With a brighter smile than she’d thought she could muster, she handed Kara her coffee and sat beside her, declaring that they were going to the Tower of London, and that was the end of the matter. 


	22. Chapter 22

            After the first night, they slipped back into their usual rapport, the easy nature of their friendship coming back to them as the distance between them was closed. It wasn’t the same, being in different countries, no matter how often they talked on the phone, or video called each other. Being together was like feeling whole, the hollow loneliness filled by the warmth that Kara brought to Lena. It was like she came alive in the presence of her friend, her laughs quick to come, smiles ever-present, and a light in her eyes whenever she glanced over at Kara. Laurel was likewise excited, coercing dozens of hugs and cuddles off of Kara, begging her for bedtime stories every night, and insisting on holding her hand whenever they went out. For the first time in weeks, Lena felt normal again.

 

            She took them to do all the typical touristy things, making Kara pose before the gates of Buckingham Palace, standing down the street from Big Ben and laughing as she tried to take a photo that made it look like Kara was holding it by the top. They went for high tea three times, having proper grown up tea parties with Laurel, who thoroughly enjoyed the finger sandwiches and little fruit tarts as they poured tea out of the fine china teapot. Lena ordered all the best takeout that London had to offer, and even let Jack babysit Laurel for the evening when her offered, taking Kara to the local pub her and Jack went to to discuss work sometimes. They drank cider and sang karaoke, and later on that night, they stumbled back to Lena’s apartment in the light drizzle, drunkenly thanking Jack and collapsing into bed next to each other. Nothing happened, but even through the heavy-lidded eyes and the fogginess in her mind, Lena’s whole body hummed with the tension between them. She found it hard to sleep that night.

 

            One of the biggest moments of relief for Lena was when they were talking late into the night, nursing glasses of wine as they huddled up underneath the blanket, a pizza abandoned on the coffee table, and mention of Imra came up. She didn’t even know how much it’d been bothering her, until Kara mentioned that Imra had brought her new girlfriend bowling with everyone, and Lena had choked on a mouthful of red. Turning it into a muffled cough, she made a raspy excuse at the wine having gone down the wrong way, and felt herself perk up slightly, tension she was unaware of fading from her body as she settled back against the pillows. She’d been afraid that she was going to lose her friend to one of her other friends, and she hated to admit it, but she’d been mildly jealous at the idea of being left out. That’s the assumption she came to at any rate, and she had no other reason to think anything more of it. 

 

            By the time the two weeks were up, they’d been to every major tourist attraction, Kara had become invested in  _ Coronation Street _ , and Lena found herself growing agitated as the day of departure drew nearer. Unwilling to let it show that she was already secretly mourning Kara’s leaving, Lena grew terse and flippant over the last couple of days, unable to speak more than a few words at a time in fear that she’d give herself away with a tremble in her voice. The day that she left, she managed to muster some fake enthusiasm though, her eyes holding a bright shine, her smile bordering on looking too forced, and she babbled the entire way to the airport, trying to keep the tense awkwardness at bay as they. 

 

            She left Laurel with Jack again, at his insistence, as if her sensed that she’d need the ride back into the city to compose herself, and her daughter had already said her tearful farewell while Lena avoided being in the room, excusing herself to take Kara’s suitcase down to the car, even though Jack offered to lug them downstairs for her. He’d been a frequent visitor, popping in and out of the apartment to drop off some work for Lena, or joining them for a roast dinner at their pub, and he hugged Kara goodbye before they left for the airport. Seeing how good he’d been to Kara, and how flexible he’d been about work, had made Lena warm to him a bit more, and she found herself trusting him more than she’d originally anticipated. It was a small relief to her to know that this time she wouldn’t be alone after saying goodbye to Kara.

 

            Still, it didn’t make the goodbye any easier. Once they parked, they went inside and got Kara all checked in, before making their way to a coffee stand. Taking a seat at a small round table, Lena bought them both drinks, getting Kara a blueberry muffin too, in case the food on the plane was awful and she didn’t get to eat, and they watched people enter and leave through the doors. They made pointless conversation, both of them trying to prolong the moment, clearing their throats and trying not to look at each other, before it was time for Kara to go through. Lena’s hands trembled as she climbed to her feet and threw their coffee cups in the bin, a shaky feeling inside her as a yawning emptiness opened up, a thick lump choking her as she avoided eye contact with Kara, stalking off ahead of her.

 

            Reaching the departure gate, she turned and looked at the blue diamond necklace hanging around Kara’s neck, worn every day since the moment Lena had given it to her. She still didn’t know how much it was worth, and Lena looked at it with bitter fondness, unable to meet the piercing blue eyes as she said goodbye to her friend. She had to though, and drawing in a shaky breath, she looked up, giving Kara a wavering smile as she blinked quickly a few times. Despite the sadness clouding the moment, Kara was giving her a gentle smile, a peaceful look of understanding on her face, as if she’d come to some conclusion over the duration of her trip. Of what, Lena couldn’t say, but Kara didn’t look as broken as she had last time they’d said goodbye. On that account, Lena tried not to make it any harder than it had to be, and gave Kara an eye crinkling smile as she opened her arms.

 

            Kara went into them willingly, and Lena buried her face in her shoulder, the urge to cry so overwhelming that she had to swallow a sob. She wasn’t okay, far from it actually, but she held the frayed edges of her broken heart together as she gave Kara a tight hug, feeling strong arms wind around her in return, as if keeping her together. It wasn’t fair for her to make things difficult for Kara if she was handling it okay, so Lena swallowed her desire to ask her to stay longer, to tell her that she didn’t want her to leave, that she was so alone there. Kara already knew all of that, even though it went unspoken, and it didn’t change anything. 

 

            Sniffing, Lena cleared her throat and pulled back, shoving all of her feelings down as she gave Kara the barest hint of a smile. Leaning in, she gently kissed her on the cheek. “Have a safe flight,” she murmured, her lips hovering near Kara’s ear for a moment, “message me when you land.”

 

            “I will,” Kara whispered, her voice a little uneven as her warm breath fanned across Lena’s neck, making her shiver slightly.

 

            “I’m going to miss you.”

 

            With a grim smile, Kara reached out to give her arm a quick squeeze, a look of resignation in her blue eyes. “I know. I’ll miss you too.”

 

            Lena pulled back, giving Kara a hesitant smile, before giving her an encouraging nod, reading the uncertainty that flickered across her face. She wasn’t a good enough liar for Kara not to know that she wasn’t  _ really _ okay, but Kara had to leave, and Lena had to deal with it. It was just the way things were. Prolonging the painful goodbye wouldn’t change anything, it wouldn’t make it easier, or make it hurt less. With a soft sigh, she took a step back, the space between them more than physical as Kara gave her a sad smile and murmured a soft goodbye, before making her way to the gate. She gave Lena a small wave at the last point they could see each other, and Lena waved back, standing on her tiptoes as she tearfully smiled, glad that Kara wasn’t wearing her glasses so that she wouldn’t be able to see her swimming eyes.

 

            She left quickly after that, as soon as she was out of sight, feeling cold despite the mild warmth of the day. Hugging her arms to herself, Lena blinked back tears the entire way back to Jack’s car, her bottom lip quivering as she fought to suppress a sob. As soon as she slipped into the driver’s seat though, she broke down, her tense shoulders going slack as a small, strangled sound escaped her lips. Unable to bottle all up any longer, she let it all out, crying until her eyes were red and puffy, the cuffs of the shirt she wore were stained with her tears, until she felt utterly empty sitting alone in the front seat of the car.

 

            In the end, she had to pay extra to leave the car park, having sat there for so long, and she drove back towards London with a heavy heart. Despite the blue sky and the bursting green everywhere, the people wearing shorts and enjoying the milder weather of early June, everything felt grey to Lena. After two weeks of such vivid happiness, it felt like the colour had been drained out of everything by Kara’s departure, taking all of Lena’s energy with her. In some ways it was easier than last time, but in others, it was worse, and when Lena made it back to her apartment, it was all she could do to force herself out of the car and go upstairs.

 

            Jack was playing with dinosaur figures on the floor, and he climbed to his feet at her entrance, casting a look down at Laurel, who paused mid-game to look up. He quickly walked over to her, his concerned expression softening at the obvious signs of Lena’s tears, and she folded her arms over her chest as she looked down at the floor, clearing her throat. 

 

            “She got off okay then?” Jack gently asked.

 

            Nodding, Lena swallowed thickly, her eyes burning with the threat of fresh tears, even as she fought them back. With a soft sigh, Jack stepped towards her, wrapping her in a warm hug, his aftershave assaulting Lena’s nose as she found her face pressed against his chest. As much as she wanted to push him away, the physical contact uncomfortable for her, she found that she couldn’t. The warmth of someone else, someone who was there, was too good to pass up, his arms gently cradling her as she tried not to fall apart in front of her daughter.

 

            A moment later, she pulled back, the moment over and her heart still aching. Laurel came running over to her, and Lena scooped her up in her arms, squeezing her daughter tightly as she closed her eyes, the ache in her chest easing as love washed over her. “Mommy, I want Aunt Kara to come back.”

 

            Softly sighing, Lena opened her eyes and pulled back to look up at her daughter, giving her a thin smile, “me too, sweetheart. It’s okay though, we’ll see her again soon.”

 

            Pouting, Laurel rested her cheek on Lena’s shoulder, and she swayed slightly as she gave Jack a grim smile. He jerked his head towards the door, and Lena nodded, handing over his keys and grabbing the cuff of his starched shirt as he tried to slip out. 

 

            “Thank you,” she murmured, “thank you for everything.”

 

            Giving her a warm smile, he waved her words aside, resting his large hand on her shoulder for a moment, “don’t mention it. I’ll see you in a couple of days. Get some rest, yeah?”

 

            Nodding in agreement, she slowly followed him down the hallway, hovering at the door as she saw him off. Lena couldn’t quite put it into words how grateful she was to have had someone to come back to, even for just a brief moment, the knowledge that she wasn’t truly alone with her daughter a strong comfort as she watched Jack leave, shutting the door behind him. Still, she felt drained as she made her way back inside, Laurel still balanced on one hip as she wallowed in her own sadness at Kara being gone. 

 

            Setting her daughter back down in front of the TV, Lena went into the bathroom and ran a bath, hot water making the tiled walls sweat with steam, and pulled out some clean pyjamas. She faltered for a moment, pulling out one of Kara’s oversized t-shirts, and brought it up to her face, catching the faint scent of her perfume beneath the laundry detergent, and she had to swallow a lump in her throat as she reached for a pair of shorts. Fetching pyjamas for Laurel, she got two clean towels out and climbed in the bath, listening to the faint hum of the TV. Taking a few minutes for herself, she felt her sore muscles unwind and scrubbed her stiff face free of the salty tear tracks on her cheeks, before ducking completely underwater and resurfacing. Calling for Laurel, she set her in the bath with one of the dinosaur figurines and brooded in silence as she watched her daughter play, absentmindedly trailing her fingers through the hot water as she thought about Kara.

 

            Almost as quickly as things had fallen apart, Lena pieced herself back together. She had a job to do and a child to raise, and after a night spent moping around, curling up with her daughter nestled up against her, she pushed her feelings back down and got on with it. Cleaning through the apartment and getting used to the idea of being alone in her home again, she fell back into the familiar routine of doing everything herself. Or not quite herself, because Jack was there, making sandwiches for lunch, finding Laurel’s duck when it was time to tuck her into bed, finding a matching pair of socks to slip onto the squirming girl’s feet. It was with some relief that Lena let him take over some small tasks he volunteered to help with, while she sorted out more important things.

 

            She still spoke to Kara nearly every day, working in calls around the paramedic’s hectic schedule, and those brief moments brought her so much peace and comfort that she thought she’d go adrift, lost in nothingness without them. Kara kept her tethered to what was important; stopping Lex and making it safe enough for everyone so that she could come home. Sometimes Lena lost sight of that purpose, but whenever she spoke to Kara, it came back as a burning reminder. 

 

            The weeks slipped by with ease, bringing the English summer with it. She wore a dress without tights for the first time in months, Jack took them to his favourite ice cream stand where they bought cones of homemade raspberry ripple for the three of them, they took more trips to the park, spreading out a picnic blanket and eating their Tesco meal deals in the shady sunlight. The whole time, Lena just thought about how they were things she’d used to do with Kara. It only made her miss her more. 

 

            Still, it was a productive few weeks. The police brought in a few low-end drug dealers, and Lena and Jack interrogated them, finding links between their suppliers after managing to get them to fall for plea deals. The drugs were coming from her brother’s shipments, Lena was sure of it, imported on Ben Lockwood’s containers, even though they still couldn’t get a search warrant, with no solid evidence to suggest they could be right. They kept a close eye on the Graves siblings, with Jack even going to far as to trail them as much as possible, although Lena cautioned him against it. Nothing came of it, but he watched them closely, detailing what they saw in his reports, which Lena relayed back to the DEO, questioning her mother about anything relevant that she knew.

 

            Time flew by, and it almost felt like Kara had never visited, with Lena wallowing in the same pit of loneliness she had been before. The stress of her job made it worse, with no release from it, and only the presence of her daughter was enough to coax her out of her dark moods. If it wasn’t for the overwhelming love she felt for her daughter, Lena wasn’t sure she’d move at all if she wasn’t working. She’d be tempted to curl up in a ball and drink herself to sleep every night. Instead, she helped Laurel do puzzles, they built pillow forts and as the weather grew steadily warmer, she bought them water guns to play with at the park. 

 

            There was a small part of Lena that was doing it for herself as much as for Laurel, giving herself the chance to relive a childhood that her own mother denied her. It was the bright spot amidst all the darkness, and Lena cherished her daughter and the time she got to spend with her. Sine she’d undertaken her training with the DEO, and then become a full-time agent, she hadn’t been able to spend as much time with Laurel as she had for the first few years of her life. At least being in London, working on her own schedule and essentially off the books, she spent every waking moment with her daughter. It wasn’t always a good thing, with Lena’s patience wearing thin, multiple tantrums on behalf of Laurel, and more tears than Lena cared to admit, but most of the time, it was great. She might’ve been young, and should’ve still been enjoying herself at parties or going on dates, but Lena learnt to be happy with her lot in London. It wouldn’t be forever, and her daughter was growing up quickly, so she made the most of it.

 

            Yet, as August approached, she had the nagging urge to go home. It was coming up to Laurel’s birthday, and she missed her family and friends. It had been nearly another two months since she’d seen Kara, and she was getting agitated about how long she’d been in London. Every report to Hank left her irritable and moody when he informed her that she wasn’t allowed to return yet. Just a little bit longer, he’d say, even though it was only supposed to be a couple of months to start with. At this point, Lena doubted that they’d ever find what they needed, no matter how optimistic Jack remained. As a final effort, she asked Hank to let her come back for a visit, just for two weeks for her daughter’s birthday, and to have a face to face conversation with him and try and figure things out from a different perspective. Much to her surprise, he said yes.

 

            Without telling Kara, she booked her and Laurel First Class tickets again, and by the end of July, she was being driven to the airport by Jack, who fretted over whether she’d remembered their passports, had a packet of Haribo sweets ready for Laurel to take on the plane, and assured Lena that he’d hold down the fort with their investigation while she was gone. Before she even got on the plane, she found herself breathing a little easier, the tightness in her chest receding, even though she hadn’t even known it was there. Just the thought of being reunited with Kara was enough to put her at ease, the thought of being able to sleep easily in her own bed making her relax as she boarded the plane.

 

            She was jittery with excitement the entire flight, although Laurel mercifully slept through it all, and it felt like an eternity, each moment dragging as the plane jetted back towards National City. Back to Kara. The entire flight, as she tried to focus on the TV screen, got up to get a quick drink at the bar, and tried to get into a novel Jack had let her borrow, she couldn’t help but think about her roommate, smiling softly to herself at the imagined look of surprise on Kara’s face when she showed up at the apartment. If Lena had her schedule right, she should beat her home, and be there waiting for her when Kara walked in. She made a mental note to order some Chinese on the way back to her apartment. They’d probably be up late drinking wine, and Kara would be starving after work, so food couldn’t hurt.

 

            Eventually they landed, and she made it through border security with little fuss, finding herself at baggage reclaim, watching the bags go around the carousel. With a sleepy child sitting on top of the suitcase, Lena wheeled them through customs and out into the chill air of the late evening. Hailing a cab, she gave the driver her address with a bright smile on her face, settling into the worn fabric of the seats and cuddling Laurel into her side as her daughter’s eyelids drooped closed again. With rising excitement, Lena watched out the window as the familiar lights of the city grew closer and closer, soaring giants of glass and chrome rising expectantly from their positions within the jungle of city blocks. It was all achingly familiar to Lena, and she felt the tension ease up a little as they trundled along through the inner city traffic. There was the boutique she’d bought her favourite winter coat in, and the sushi place that did the best matcha cake she’d ever tasted on the West Coast, the jewellry shop that Alex had helped her sell her diamonds, the flower district they’d lived in for a while.

 

            When they reached her apartment building, Lena handed over a few folded bills, telling the driver to keep the change, unbuckled Laurel and eased her out as gently as she could, and quietly thanked the cab driver as he lifted her case from the trunk. Awkwardly wheeling it up to the front door, the night security guard rushed to help her into the lobby, looking mildly surprised to see her again after so long, and she smiled up at him as he took her case for her and wheeled it over to the elevator. Thanking him, she slipped into the tiny metal box, pressing her floor number and smiling at the familiar crack in the mirror in the bottom right corner, the smell of the cleaning product used by the building’s janitor, and the chime once she reached her floor. 

 

            The feeling of being home hit her with an almost physical blow as she fished her keys out of her pocket and let herself in. There was Kara’s favourite mug drying on the dish rack, the kitchen table with the scratches on the worn wood, the same artwork that had graced their walls ever since Lex had ruined the old pieces. Dumping her suitcase just to the side of the door, she walked further in, carrying Laurel to her bedroom. The room smelled fresh, the bedding clean, and a sad smile touched her lips at the thought of Kara making sure to change the sheets every so often and air out the bedrooms. Tucking her daughter into her own bed, switching on the old night light and tucking the stuffed duck in beside her, Lena kissed her gently on the forehead, before closing the door behind her. 

 

            After poking her head into her own room, everything exactly where she’d left it, she made her way back through the apartment. The living room still held the neatly organised books, the basket of cut logs for the fire, the hearth swept clean of any ashes. The dining room looked as if it hadn’t been used since she’d gone, and she stepped out onto the balcony for a few moments, taking in the wilting edges of the plants that had flowered for the sweltering summer. She was sad to have missed them, taking in the browning leaves and withering pink petals of the flowers, and stepped back inside to order food.

 

            With a massive collection of Chinese food consuming the kitchen table, Lena having gone all out for the occasion, and two bottles of wine - one red and one white - waiting with it all, she made herself some coffee and sat down for a moment, anxiously looking at the clock as she waited for Kara to come home. It shouldn’t be that much longer, and she couldn’t even bite back her smile as she sipped the bitter drink, feeling warm inside, and not entirely sure it was from the steaming mug she held. 

 

            Eventually, nearly half an hour later, she heard the rattle of a key in the lock, quickly set her mug down on the coffee table, and shot to her feet. Padding barefoot through the living room, she leapt out into the main area, her heart thudding loudly in her chest as she took in the blonde messy hair and the creased navy uniform as Kara let herself in.

 

            “Surprise!” Lena said, stretching her arms out as she smiled at Kara, taking in the stunned look on her friends face as she paused in the doorway, lips parted and eyes wide with shock.

 

            The first aid kit fell to the floor with a heavy thud, and Kara didn’t move an inch as she stood facing Lena, her mouth opening and closing as nothing came out. Smiling so widely that she almost looked crazy, Lena further opened her arms, raising her eyebrows as she waited for Kara to rush over and give her a hug. When it didn’t come, she let out a quiet snort of laughter and rolled her eyes, walking over to Kara and stopping a foot in front of her, slowly waving a hand in front of her face.

 

            “Hello? I’m not a ghost. Are you going to say hi?”

 

            Blinking as she shook herself out of her dazed state, Kara let out a shaky laugh, throwing herself at Lena and wrapping her in a tight hug, swaying back and forth for a moment as she shook with laughter, before lifting the brunette off her feet for a brief moment. Setting her safely back down on the wooden floor, Kara gave her a look of disbelief, wonder dawning on her face as she stepped back, slowly shutting the door behind herself.

 

            “You’re here! You’re back! You didn’t tell me.”

 

            “It’s only for two weeks,” Lena quickly informed her, thinking it best to get the truth out there as quickly as possible, lest Kara get her hopes up. She watched the delighted look falter for a moment at the fact that it wasn’t permanent, before Kara’s smile grew again. “I wanted to surprise you! I mean, of course I wanted Ducky to be with her family for her birthday, so …”

 

            With a happy smile on her face, Kara shrugged out of her coat, kicked off her boots and rounded on Lena. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! I would’ve come to the airport and picked you up! I would’ve-”

 

            “I know, I know,” Lena waved her words aside, cutting her off as she smiled, wrapping an arm around Kara’s shoulders and herding her further into the apartment, “I thought it’d be a nice surprise though. I mean, I hope-”

 

            Choking on a laugh, Kara bumped her hip into hers and Lena looked up at her with a tender look in her eyes, “I’ve really missed you, Kara.”

 

            Expression softening, Kara gazed down at her, and Lena’s arm fell away as her stomach knotted itself slightly. “Yeah, I’ve missed you too.”

 

            Nose wrinkling as she smiled, Lena gave her a gentle nudge, “well go on then, go and shower. I’ve got food waiting for us.”

 

            An uncertain look crossed Kara’s face for a moment, her teeth worrying at her bottom lip, and she gave Lena a sheepish smile as her shoulders slumped. Opening her mouth to say something, they were cut off by a knock on the door, and Lena’s eyebrows rose as she turned to look at it. “Oh, is Alex coming over? You know, I’ve actually missed her a lot,” Lena happily babbled as she walked towards the door, Kara a few steps behind her, a silent protest on her lips.

 

            Reaching out for the door handle, Lena pulled it open, a wide smile on her face as she expected to greet her friend, and instead came face to face with a man. The smile faltered, before she realised that she knew him, and her heart plummeted at the sight of him. “Oh … Mike? It’s Mike, right?”

 

            “Oh, Lena! You’re home,” Mike said, giving her a smile as he stepped inside, unwinding the thin scarf wrapped around his neck, “Kara didn’t tell me you were coming back.”

 

            Turning to look at her roommate, taking in the way that Kara was avoiding her gaze, Lena pressed her lips together in a thin line as she shut the door, unsure how to reply. The last she’d heard of Mike, he’d been old news. Kara had set him aside shortly before declaring her feelings for Lena, and to say that she was shocked to see him turn up at her door would be an understatement. Opening and closing her mouth, Lena watched as he walked over to Kara and dropped a kiss onto her cheek.

 

            “She didn’t know,” Lena lamely replied, just a second too late.

 

            “I, uh, I was- I know we were supposed to be going-” Kara stutteringly said, looking up at Mike as her cheeks reddened, “can I take a raincheck? I’m sorry, I just- we haven’t seen each other-”

 

            “Oh … you had plans,” Lena said, her spirits sinking further at the realisation that she’d walked into something she had no part in. It suddenly struck her as stupid that she would just assume that Kara would be waiting around for her to come back. Her life didn’t revolve around Lena’s, she knew that, but the fact that she was dating someone else was a shocking blow. After the news that Imra had a girlfriend, Lena hadn’t even considered the fact that Kara could be seeing someone else. Who else did she talk about? Yet it looked like she’d been worried about the wrong person, and a bitter feeling of humour welled up inside, as she gave Kara a small smile. “Well I’m pretty tired from the flight anyway, so-”

 

            “No!” Kara exclaimed, taking a step towards her with her arm outstretched, “no, you bought food already. And there’s so much we have to talk about.”

 

            “Obviously.”

 

            “It’s fine, Kara,” Mike softly said, giving her a tender smile, “I’ll see you tomorrow anyway. We’ve got dinner with my parents, remember?”

 

            Lena flinched slightly at that. She’d met his parents? And it didn’t sound as if he was talking about the  _ first _ time they’d all had dinner together either, which made Lena pause for a moment, wondering how long this had been going on for. With a sinking feeling in her heart, she had the answer. Kara had seemed to be searching for something when she’d gone to London to visit Lena, giving her an expectant look at times, and she suddenly pieced it together. She’d come to find out if Lena felt anything for her, if there was some inkling,  _ something _ . And Lena hadn’t given her anything at all, not so much as a hint of reciprocated feelings. It had been the answer she’d been looking for - perhaps not the one she’d wanted - and Lena realised that Kara must’ve come to the decision that she’d never have her. She must’ve come back with the intention of getting back into dating, and met up with Mike again then. Whatever had happened, it seemed somewhat serious, and Lena took a step back to reevaluate her position in Kara’s life.

 

            “Well there’s plenty of food,” Lena cut in, interrupting the quiet apologies and reassurances, watching as two pairs of eyes landed on her. With a false smile, she shrugged slightly, gesturing towards the table. “I ordered way too much just for the two of us. Why don’t you stay? I’ll get another wine glass.”

 

            Before anyone could protest, she went to the kitchen and got another glass out, fetching another plate and set of cutlery, before making the table up for three. Taking a seat, with Kara still in her work clothes, smelling faintly of antiseptic and some sterile solution, the three of them sat in awkward silence for a few moments, as Lena poured red wine into her and Kara’s glasses, before raising her eyebrows at Mike, who hesitantly agreed. They’d met once before, although that had been at Kara’s birthday party, not at their home, in such a small gathering, and Lena recalled that he’d been friendly enough. Beyond that, she couldn’t say much about him, except that he reeked of ambition and judging by the cut of his suit, was comfortable at least. 

 

            As if some switch was flipped inside her, Kara suddenly became an animated host, chatting away in the way that Lena knew she did when she was anxious, scooping a variety of food out onto her plate as she babbled about her day, asked Lena about her flight, and asked Mike how his day was all in the same breath. Giving her a pointed look and a gentle kick beneath the table, Lena raised her glass of wine and took a long sip, urging Kara to copy her. Once the first glass was down, everyone seemed a little less tense. Still, it made for a slightly awkward night, although Mike tried his best to pretend that there wasn’t some unspoken things sitting between the two women as he teased Kara for her cooking, questioned Lena about London, and talked a little about his work. He was a stockbroker, she recalled. 

 

            By the time that he left, Lena found herself sleepy, nearly dead on her feet, and her mind a little sluggish from the wine, but found that she didn’t mind him much. He seemed to be a decent person, and Kara was quick to laugh around him, a smile curling her lips and her eyes lighting up in the way that they were wont to do. She’d always loved it when Kara had looked at her like that, as if it was a special look reserved only for her, and as she washed the dishes, calling out goodbye to Mike as Kara led him to the door, she couldn’t deny the fact that she was somewhat jealous. Only a tiny bit, she told herself, but it was there nonetheless.

 

            Trying not to eavesdrop, she tuned out of the whispered conversation happening in the doorway, peeking up just in time to see Mike kiss her goodnight, feeling her stomach knot as she glowered back down at the plate she was scrubbing. A moment later the door clicked shut and the bolt and chain were drawn across, locking them safely inside. She didn’t look up as Kara slowly wandered over to the kitchen, taking up a dish cloth and wiping the stack dry, putting everything away one by one. When Lena looked up for a brief moment, she took in the bunched shoulders beneath the navy fabric of Kara’s shirt, the blonde tensed in anticipation of Lena’s questions. She’d have to ask them eventually - she had to know for herself.

 

            With a soft sigh, Lena pulled the plug out and watched the foamy water drain down the hole, looking up when the dish cloth was thrust into her soapy hands. Murmuring a quiet thank you, she handed it back to Kara, whose turn it was to look away as Lena leant back against the counters, and gave her a scrutinising look that couldn’t have gone unnoticed.

 

            “So … Mike?”

 

            Exhaling slowly, Kara deflated before her eyes, her own eyes closed as she held a wine glass in hand. “Yes, Mike.”

 

            “You never mentioned him.”

 

            Swallowing thickly, Kara set the glass down on the counter as her cheeks reddened. Looking up, she gave Lena a sheepish look, her eyes silently begging her to understand. “I just- I didn’t want you to worry.”

 

            “Why would I be worried,” Lena defensively asked, the muscles in her jaw working.

 

            “You don’t like new people in the apartment. You keep saying how worried you are about your brother getting to me, and you’d probably assume that Mike worked for him. You don’t trust other people. And … you weren’t here. I don’t want you to think that he’s taking your place.”

 

            “Isn’t he though,” Lena laughed, the sound hollow and flat as she gave Kara a twisted smile. “Be honest. You came to London to see if I still felt nothing for you, and then you came home and took him instead when you accepted the fact that you wouldn’t have me.”

 

            Kara was silent for a moment, her cheeks burning with shame at the truth in Lena’s words, although she wouldn’t admit it. Her jaw clenched with anger, at Lena’s audacity to call her out for it, and Lena felt frustration well up inside. She wasn’t sure how to feel, or what to think, but she knew that it was coming out wrong. A part of her was glad that Kara had someone here with her, the same way that Kara had been glad that Jack had been there to take care of Lena. Both men meant different things to each of them though, and Lena wasn’t sure if she was put out because she felt like she’d been replaced, as Kara had said, or for the pure fact that Kara hadn’t told her. She’d never liked secrets, and neither had Kara. Kara had been willing to risk their friendship for the sake of honesty, yet she’d kept her dating life a secret from Lena, as if it was something that would hurt her feelings if she found out about. It wasn’t as if Lena didn’t know about all the dates she’d gone on, she used to be the one giving her fashion advice and helping do her hair. Lena just didn’t understand why she wouldn’t tell her.

 

            “You still could’ve told me.”

 

            “Sorry, I just-”

 

            “Don’t worry about it,” Lena said, giving her a tired smile, “it doesn’t matter. As long as he makes you happy.” Kara nodded, looking down at her hands as she fiddled with her fingers. “I, uh, I think I’m going to head off to bed now. It’s been a long day. I’ll see you in the morning?”

 

            Looking up, Kara gave her a small smile, shrugging slightly, “sure. I’m not in until five tomorrow night.”

 

            “Great,” Lena smiled, “maybe we can go to Winn’s for pancakes.”

 

            “Sure.”

 

            “Goodnight.”

 

            “Yeah, you too.”

 

            Without another word, she walked down the hallway to her room, ducking in to check on Laurel for a moment, before slipping into the darkness. For once, it was welcoming, but she still turned the light on, knowing she wouldn’t sleep at all without it. Stripping off the jeans and the silk shirt she was wearing, she slipped on a pair of leftover pyjamas in her drawer and climbed beneath the covers. Laying on her back, staring up at the ceiling, Lena was left with the uncomfortable feeling as if she was about to cry. It hadn’t been the homecoming she was expecting, and she’d been so happy to see Kara, but it felt like a giant rift had opened up between them. They’d always told each other everything. Especially the big things. And while she’d been trying her best to hold it together in London, Kara had been doing fine, surrounded by friends and family, dating the man she’d left at the start of the year for Lena. 

 

            She couldn’t put a name on the emotions warring inside her, only that they kept her up long after the sounds of Kara’s shower had cut off. Was it envy for everything that Kara had that she never would? Was it jealousy for Mike taking Lena’s spot beside Kara, although it was never a spot she’d occupied for anything more than fun. Was it disappointment that she’d come back to something that wasn’t the same as it had been when she’d left? Lena had been under the impression that it would’ve been as if time had stood still while she’d gone, that she’d pick up right where she left off with everyone else, as if they didn’t have their own lives. Perhaps it was just the uncomfortable surprise that everyone else had lives outside of her. It wasn’t that she thought everything revolved around her, it was just that she felt so out of the loop. For all their phone talks, with everyone, none of them had mentioned Mike. And surely they would’ve known, which meant that Kara had told them not to tell her. 

 

            It was with intense relief that she drifted off to sleep later on that night, hugging her pillow as she blinked back the stinging feeling in her eyes. She didn’t cry - she had nothing to cry over - but there was the rising feeling inside her, coming to the surface no matter how much she battled it back down. She just closed her eyes and stared at the orange painted insides of her eyelids, her weary body limp on the mattress, waiting for the release of sleep to numb her for a little while. If there was anything to figure out, it could be done in the morning, when her mind wasn’t clouded from the wine, and she was better rested and able to sort through the maelstrom of confusing thoughts and feelings bottled up inside her. For the time being, she nestled under her blankets, back in her own bed, and let herself revel in the feeling of being home, the familiar sounds of the city a soothing background noise as sleep dragged her under.


	23. Chapter 23

            “So … Kara and Mike.”

 

            Sam winced slightly, an apologetic, sheepish look on her face as she looked at Lena. Rolling her eyes, Lena took a sip of coffee, leaning back against the cushions of her friend’s sofa. “I know I should’ve-”

 

            “No,” Lena curtly interrupted, “Kara should’ve told me herself. I’m not mad at you. I’m not mad at her either, I’m just …”

 

            “Jealous?”

 

            Scoffing, Lena scowled as she hunched over slightly, drawing her knees up to her chest as she stared off at the drawings Ruby had made that were stuck to the fridge. “I’m not jealous.”

 

            Letting out a light laugh, her brown eyes crinkling at the corners as she looked at Lena with amusement, Sam gave her a coy look. “Well jealous people rarely want to admit that they’re jealous.”

 

            “I am  _ not _ jealous!” Lena protested, looking slightly put out as she jutted her chin forward and tried not to look like a petulant child. The truth was that she  _ was _ jealous, in some confusing kind of way. It was partly selfishness, feeling like she’d been replaced in Kara’s life without a second thought, and not liking that thought, but there was an undercurrent of jealousy too, and she couldn’t deny it. “I mean-”

 

            “I get it. You’re not here. You feel left out.”

 

            “Yes.”

 

            With a heavy sigh, Lena closed her eyes, a feeling of loneliness blossoming in her chest even as a weight lifted off her shoulders at the admission. Being home had dampened the loneliness, patching up the hole and the cracks, the sight of Kara’s smile a balm to soothe the ache in her chest that had become a permanent fixture she associated with London. Yet being back in National City, back with Kara, hadn’t healed it well as she’d expected it to. Things had changed. Time had carried on without Lena, and it bothered her more than she cared to admit. 

 

            While never commented on, the truth was that Lena had come into everyone’s life as a troublesome intruder, disrupting their peaceful routines and had come to see herself as a part of their group now. A family. But without her, their lives went back to normal. They carried on as if things had never changed, aside from the occasional call to catch up with her, and the dreadful thought that she’d been an inconvenience, a nuisance that brought more trouble than they cared for, crept up on her, making her feel anxious. What if this entire time she’d deluded herself into thinking that she belonged with them, that she fit in and they cared about her, when instead, they’d viewed her and her daughter as cuckoo birds that had come to overtake the nest and put everyone else at risk.

 

            “But it’s not- I just- I  _ want _ to be here. I don’t want to miss these things. And if I could, I’d come back, but I have to put my family first. I have to protect Laurel, and Kara-”

 

            “I get it. I do. I think I’m the only one that  _ can _ . I have a daughter too, and I know that if it came down to it, I’d take her and run if it meant that she’d be safer. You don’t have to explain it to me. Kara … you might want to.”

 

            “I’ve tried! She acts as if  _ I  _ left  _ her.” _

 

            “Well … you did,” Sam hedged.

 

            “Not by choice,” Lena indignantly replied, bristling slightly as she clutched her cup of coffee tightly in her hands. Pouting, she brooded over the mess of things that she’d helped make. “She just- she doesn’t understand. Like you said. If it was just myself that I had to worry about, I’d say fuck it. I’m not scared of my brother. He could do whatever he wanted to me. But my daughter … that’s another thing. And I know that  _ you _ get it, but Kara doesn’t. And now she’s replacing me-”

 

            Softly laughing, Sam reached out to gently rest a hand on Lena’s knee, warmth seeping through the denim of her jeans as she looked up at Sam with a sad look upon her face. “I don’t think anyone could ever replace you, honey.”

 

            “No? Then why does it feel like that?”

 

            Cocking her head to the side, Sam stared at her for a moment, and Lena met her level gaze, a questioning look in her eyes, almost pleading for Sam to enlighten her. She caught a flicker of some unreadable expression in her friend’s eyes, before Sam gave her a grim smile and pat her knee again. “I guess you need to ask yourself that question.”

 

            Mumbling a vague, snarky comment, Lena slouched down on the sofa, sinking into the pillows as she scowled into the eddying black coffee as steam rose from it. She’d been hoping that seeing her other friends might help her feel better about being home, make it less confusing, more familiar, but Alex had come over that morning to see her and Laurel and had sat with a sheepish look on her face, spending more time with Lena’s daughter than with her. As promised, they went to Winn’s for pancakes, and he spent the whole time walking on eggshells around Lena. And after Kara had gone to work, she’d come to Sam’s, to find her friend behaving similarly. It was like they all felt bad for her, guilty for not telling her about Mike during their calls, and they didn’t know what to say.

 

            It was clear that they all felt guilty for not telling her, as if they were excluding her because she was on the other side of the world, but Lena wasn’t annoyed about it. It had just been a shock. She’d imagined things would be the same, but so much had changed in the nearly five months she’d been gone, and she just needed time to adjust to it. Mike seemed okay so far, and Kara was happy, and what else mattered? A little jealousy wouldn’t hurt anything, although it twisted uncomfortably inside Lena, a rarely felt feeling making her feel slightly nauseous. She couldn’t quite pinpoint  _ why _ she was feeling like that. If Sam was right, and she wasn’t being replaced, then she had nothing to be jealous about. Especially given the fact that Mike was  _ dating _ Kara, in a place that Lena had never occupied.

 

            As the thought drifted across her mind, a sour feeling suddenly swept through her, unbidden and catching her by surprise. Jerking slightly, Lena’s foot thudded on the floor, and she gripped her coffee cup tighter as Sam gave her a questioning look. With sudden clarity, the thought that Lena could’ve been jealous because Mike was where she wanted to be struck her, and Lena’s stomach lurched at the idea. It was a ridiculous notion. Completely wrong. Nothing more than a snide thought trying to confuse her some more. She didn’t want to be Mike; she’d had the chance and she’d passed it up. She didn’t love Kara in that way. But the more she tried not to think about whether or not it was true, the more it nagged at the back of her mind, even as she tried to distract herself with a bitter mouthful of coffee. It was the only thing that made sense, yet it was impossible.

 

            Draining the rest of her coffee, she climbed to her feet and looked down at Sam, giving her an uneven smile as she ran a hand through her hair. “I think I’m going to head home now. I’m still running on London time and I’m exhausted.”

 

            Climbing to her feet, Sam walked her out, and Lena zipped Laurel’s coat up and made sure her scarf was snug around her neck, before saying goodbye and stepping out into the blustery wind. Walking towards her car, she lifted her daughter in and buckled up her seatbelt, before sliding into the driver’s seat and reversing off the drive, waving goodbye to Sam, who lingered in the doorway to wave them off. Brooding in silence the entire ride home, Laurel already dozing against the door, Lena pushed aside all thoughts of Kara, listening to the mindless chatter on the radio with all of her attention to distract herself.

 

            When they reached the apartment building, she carried Laurel upstairs, quietly thanking the security guard who helped her with the door, and went up to their apartment, setting her daughter down on her bed and tucking her in with a kiss. Lena lay beside her for a while on the small bed, staring up at the ceiling and trying not to think, before she got up and did some housework. Kara had let the laundry build up while she was gone, and Lena sighed as she got to work, putting on a few loads, unpacking some of her things, tidying up the mess from that morning, all the while, trying to distract herself from her thoughts. She’d spent so much time with herself for company in London - Laurel didn’t really count, given the fact that most of their conversations were an endless cycle of  _ why’s _ \- and Lena was used to being stuck with her thoughts, but ordinarily, they didn’t bother her with nagging ideas. In the end, she went to check in on Laurel again and stretched out beside her daughter, nodding off shortly after as her jetlag caught up with her.

 

            She woke up near midnight to the sound of the front door being closed, struggling upright and gently shifting her daughter off her chest and onto a pillow, before she slipped out of bed, her bare feet settling on the cold hardwood floor. Quietly tiptoeing out of the bedroom, she rubbed at her tired eyes, making her way towards the warm yellow light emanating from the kitchen. Blearily blinking, she gave Kara sleepy smile as she took in the rumpled navy uniform, the circles under her friend’s eyes and breathed in the smell of peppermint tea.

 

            “Hey. How was work?”

 

            “Slow.”

 

            “You hungry?”

 

            Shrugging vaguely, Kara grabbed another cup from the cupboard and filled it with steaming tea, and Lena quietly let out a snort of laughter, pulling bread and cheese out and assembling a few sandwiches, before toasting them in the sandwich press. Carrying it and her tea over to the table, she slid the plate towards Kara, taking a half of one for herself, having skipped dinner, and they sat in companionable silence. It felt so familiar and natural to her that Lena finally felt at peace, the feeling of home settling into her bones as they ate and sipped at their tea. It felt like she’d never left. Almost.

 

            After they finished, they stayed up talking until the early hours of the morning, Lena blinking back sleep, and Kara unwinding after a long shift. They made slow conversation, talking whenever something came to mind, and nursing a second cup of tea each as they curled up at either end of the sofa in front of the fire, a small flickering fire bathing the dark room in a dim orange light. When her eyelids were dragging closed, and she had to fight to open them again, Lena mumbled goodnight and went to her room, pulling off her stiff jeans and changing into a pair of pyjamas. Exhausted, she tumbled into bed, and was asleep before she could dwell on her thoughts.

 

            The next day was spent shopping, buying birthday gifts for Laurel, who she’d left home with Kara, and all the fixings of a tea party for her birthday the following day. It was late planning, but Lena bought all the ingredients for a cake and enough balloons and banners to cover every inch of the apartment if need be. She was exhausted by the time she got home, her arms weighed down with countless shopping bags as she made her way upstairs. Struggling to find her keys in her bag, scrambling around blindly while her shopping hung like dead weights, she sighed and reached up to knock on the door. It was lunchtime, and she figured that Kara ought to be home by now so that Laurel could take a nap.

 

            At the sound of approaching footsteps, a smile spread across Lena’s face, only to wilt a moment later when Mike opened the door. He gave her a warm smile as he greeted her, ushering her into her own apartment and relieving her of half of her bags, while she rankled slightly at his presence. “No work today?” she asked.

 

            “Lunch break. Kara said she was at the park with Laurel, so I thought I’d meet them there. She’s cooking lunch now.”

 

            Lena looked over at the kitchen, where Kara was making sandwiches, Laurel sitting at the table colouring away in the open book, and she felt jealousy rear up inside her again, a sudden familiar feeling that she was starting to dislike. Setting her bags down to the side, out of sight of her daughter’s curious eyes, she stripped off her coat and walked over to Laurel, smoothing her dark curls and kissing her on the top of her head.

 

            “Did you have fun?”

 

            “Yes! Aunt Kara took me to see the ducks, and Mike pushed me on the swing like Jack does.”

 

            Quietly laughing, Lena smiled down at her, wrinkling her nose as her expression softened, “oh yeah?”

 

            “Sandwich?” Kara asked, a slightly sheepish look on her face as she held a plate up.

 

            Taking two of the plates, Mike carried them over to the table and set the one cut into little triangles down in front of Laurel, neatly cut carrot sticks and cubes of cheese crowding the side of the plate. He sat down with his own, shirtsleeves rolled up and his suit jacket hanging over the back of the chair. Giving Lena a conspiratorial look, he smiled. “She can’t make anything else.”

 

            Spluttering in protest from the kitchen, Kara scowled at him, pouting as she set about making Lena a sandwich too. “Hey!”

 

            Taking a seat, Lena gave her a small smile, before looking at Mike. “She actually makes the best mac and cheese in the city.”

 

            “See!  _ Thank you.” _

 

            “I’m still getting you those cooking lessons for your birthday,” Mike sternly told her.

 

            Rolling her eyes, Kara cut the sandwich in half, set it on a plate and carried her own one over with it. The four of the sat around the table, and Lena was mostly silent as she watched the couple together, giving Mike shrewd looks whenever he wasn’t looking, and watching Kara closely as her friend avoided meeting her gaze. She used Laurel to distract herself whenever she found herself feeling a little bit excluded from the flow of conversation about Mike’s work at the stockbroking firm, coworkers names and new deals going over her head, so she made sure her daughter ate her carrot sticks and didn’t draw on the table.

 

            Mike had to leave shortly after, kissing Kara goodbye, crouching beside Laurel’s seat and holding his hand up for an enthusiastically supplied high five from the little girl, before he called goodbye to Lena and left. Sitting at the table, Lena brooded in silence as Kara started doing the dishes, before she climbed to her feet and told her daughter it was time for a nap. It didn’t take her long to get Laurel down, what with her being jetlagged and tired from all the excitement, and Lena walked back out into the kitchen, thinking about how she could go for a nap too. She didn’t want to spend her trip sleeping though, so she set about making coffee for her and Kara.

 

            “Sorry.”

 

            Turning around, Lena raised her eyebrows, a bewildered look on her face as she stared at Kara. “For what?”

 

            “I didn’t know he was going to meet us at the park,” Kara explained, “I’d never let anyone around your kid without your permission. I told him we were leaving soon, but he insisted and-”

 

            Snorting with laughter, Lena rolled her eyes, “it’s no big deal.”

 

            “Really? Because I know you don’t like people in the apart-”

 

            “Kara, I trust you. And that trust extends to people that you trust enough to want to bring home. Don’t worry about it. She had fun. He pushed her on the swings.”

 

            “Right.”

 

            “Hey, you should invite him over tomorrow. Ducky likes him, and the more the merrier, right? It’ll give me a chance to get to know him better too.”

 

            Blinking in surprise, Kara gave her a wary look as she nodded, as if she didn’t quite believe that Lena was okay with it all. Giving her a bright smile, Lena walked over to the piles of bags in the corner, cup of coffee in hand, and sat down on the hardwood floor, upending a bag of gifts and peeking out from behind a chair to smile up at Kara.

 

            “Want to help me wrap some gifts?”

 

            With an excited smile, Kara grabbed some scissors, and the two of them sat on the floor across from each other, drinking coffee as they wrapped Barbie dolls, Transformers, dinosaurs and Disney figurines, dress up costumes and Lego, chatting all the while. Hiding a massive pile in her bedroom, Lena felt excitement kindle inside her at the mere thought of the look on her daughter’s face tomorrow, and she was itching to get started on the cake, planning on making blue icing this year.

 

            It wasn’t until long after Laurel went to bed though that she got started, with Kara sitting on the kitchen counters, a glass of wine in hand while she watched Lena carefully measure out flour, crack eggs and whisk the batter. She handed over a bowl of blue food colouring and cream cheese frosting to Kara for her to whisk, rolling her eyes as her friend scooped some out to taste it. The cake was soon in the oven, and they took to blowing up balloons and hanging streamers and taping banners to the walls, the smell of the cake filling the apartment as they worked. By the time they were finished, Lena’s eyes were burning, and she was ready for bed again, feeling a little more herself after a night spent laughing with Kara. Giving her friend’s hand a squeeze before going to bed, she felt the knot in her stomach unwind slightly. 

 

            The next morning was an explosion of activity. Chaos unfolded at the apartment, with gift wrap littering the floor, toys strewn everywhere, food covering every surface, and an endless amount of balloons underfoot or grazing the ceiling as Lena tried to get everything ready for the party. Their dining room table was already covered with food, the two tiered iced cake sitting in the middle, the fine china set out for tea, tiny sprinkle covered cupcakes on cake displays, cucumber and tuna finger sandwiches plated up, and mini quiches in the oven. Sam showed up early with Ruby, food and gifts in hand, and jumped into the kitchen to give Lena a hand, while Kara took on the duties of a babysitter, occupying both kids. 

 

            One by one, the rest of their friends showed up, and the apartment was full of noise. Imra showed up with her girlfriend in tow, introducing Lena, who was excited to see her friend again, followed by Alex and Winn, and then Querl, Mike, and lastly James. They all helped themselves to food, putting on paper party hats at Laurel’s insistence, with none of them wanting to disappoint the birthday girl. At five years old, she was quite demanding, and Lena bit back a smile as she watched Kara snap photo after photo, wondering how time had managed to slip by so quickly. She was a few months away from twenty-four herself, and she found in hard to believe that there had ever been a time where she’d been a child herself, hadn’t been a mother, hadn’t had her daughter to light up her life, which had been miserable until that rainy day all those years ago. 

 

            She was still reminiscing when her phone started to buzz in her pocket, and she pulled it out to see Jack’s name lighting up the screen. Assuming that he was calling to wish Laurel a happy birthday, she climbed to her feet and moved towards the balcony door, slipping out for some fresh air while she spoke to him for a few minutes. Answering the phone, she breathed in the cool, slightly damp city air as she looked down at the slow moving traffic below her, standing amidst flower pots with wilting petals and a strong, earthy smell emanating from them.

 

_             “Alright? How’s the trip?” _

 

            “What  _ time _ is it?”

 

_             “Doesn’t matter. Guess who I brought into custody an hour ago.” _

 

            Lena paused, a wary feeling rising inside her as she leant back against the edge of the balcony wall, realising that it was a work call, not a social one. Biting her bottom lip, she waited, and could almost envision Jack’s smug smile as the silence dragged on. With an impatient sigh, she fought back the urge to roll her eyes. “Go on then. Tell me.”

 

_             “Otis Graves.” _

 

            She froze for a moment, her eyes widening with surprise, a burning look coming to life as she gripped the stone ledge behind her. “Are you serious?”

 

_             “Brought him in myself. Well, with the help of a few police officers. But yes, he’s all tucked up in a cell waiting to be interrogated as we speak. I wanted to check in with you first. I thought- well, I know you’re on holiday but we’re partners and …” _

 

            “You want me to be there?” Lena finished for him.

 

_             “I think it’d be fairer for both of our agencies. You know, a representative for both.” _

 

            Pausing, Lena chewed on her bottom lip, her stomach turning uncomfortably at the thought of leaving again so soon. She’d only been back three days. Yet it was her job, and it was possible that going back to London earlier would mean that she could come back to National City earlier too. Weighing up the options, she stared out at the bustling city below her and felt a pang of homesickness.  _ This _ was her home. This city, this apartment. The sooner she got back to it, the better it would be. Going back a few days earlier wouldn’t change anything here.

 

            “Let me talk to my boss. I’ll call you back.”

 

            She hung up a moment later, standing alone in silence with the company of the city behind her, before she let out a quiet sigh and dialled Hank’s number. After a brief summary of everything that Jack had just told her, Hank gave her swift orders to return as soon as possible. Giving the excuse that she’d need a few days to tie up loose ends, hoping to see out the rest of the week there before boarding a plane, she was given blunt instructions to book tickets on the earliest leaving flight the following day. Trying to argue that it was too soon, she was cut off with strict orders, and a slightly wounded pride as Hank flatly gave her her orders and reminded her of her job.

 

            Swallowing back an angry retort, Lena ground her teeth together, her whole body rigid as she stared out over the balcony, watching the sunlight reflect off the windows across the street. “Yes, sir. I’ll change the dates for the earliest flight tomorrow.”

 

_             “Thank you, Lena. I know it’s not easy for you.” _

 

            The line went dead after that, and she had the sudden urge to fling her phone off the edge of the building in her frustration. Closing her fingers around it, she squeezed tightly as she grit her teeth, hoping that it would make her feel better as she dragged in lungfuls of fresh air, trying to steady herself. She could feel tears springing to life, and fought hard to blink them back before they could fall. And then there was a soft voice from behind her that nearly made her fall apart.

 

            “You’re  _ leaving?” _

 

            Sighing, Lena pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes, hanging her head as she hunched her shoulders to Kara’s words. Taking a deep breath, she slowly turned and looked up to meet the wide blue eyes, feeling a lump form in her throat. “I don’t have a choice.”

 

            “What do you  _ mean?  _ Of  _ course _ you have a choice! You’re on holiday. It got approved. Tell them-”

 

            “It’s my  _ job _ , Kara! I can’t say no to direct orders. Do you think they give a shit that it’s my daughter’s birthday? That I want to spent two weeks having a nice time with my best friend?”

 

            “Well don’t  _ you?” _

 

            Huffing, Lena’s heavy brows pulled down into a frown as she crossed her arms over her chest, gritting her teeth for a moment. “You know that I do,” she sharply replied, her irritation flaring up at the insinuation that she didn’t care. Lena cared. She cared more than she liked to admit, about this and everything else. If it was up to her, she wouldn’t leave again. “But I don’t have a choice, Kara. You know that I don’t.”

 

            “But you only just got back,” Kara said, her voice cracking in a way that sent a sharp pain through Lena’s chest. It felt like she was abandoning her again.

 

            Stepping towards her, Lena pulled her into a tight hug, feeling herself sag slightly, even though it was her arms around Kara. Just being close to her, touching her, put her at ease. Yet it wasn’t as comforting as she had hoped. Kara stood stiffly in her arms, warmth radiating off her, even though she was as cold as she’d ever been towards Lena. Eventually, she started to thaw though, her arms coming up to limply return Lena’s hug, her sharp chin coming down on Lena’s shoulders, and Lena closed her eyes, stroking the end of Kara’s golden curls.

 

            “I know,” she whispered, “and I’ll miss you.”

 

            Loosening her grip, Lena stepped back and let her arms fall back down to her side. Giving Kara a small smile, she reached out to give her arm a quick squeeze, before turning to head back inside. A hand wrapped around her wrist, warm fingers biting into the bare skin beneath the hem of the sweater Lena was wearing, and she half turned, her eyebrows raised expectantly in a silent question as she met Kara’s pale face.

 

            “That’s it? You’ll  _ miss me.” _

 

            Letting Kara draw her closer, Lena tilted her head to the side, a pleading look on her face as her eyes swam with pity. “What else is there to say, Kara?”

 

            “That you won’t go!”

 

            “I’ve never lied to you.”

 

            Making an indignant sound at the back of her throat, Kara drew her eyebrows down low over her stormy blue eyes. “You said you’d be a couple of months at most. It’s been nearly five already.”

 

            “Well you’re doing fine as it is,” Lena said, trying to keep the bitterness from her voice as she spoke. 

 

            But Kara  _ was _ doing fine. She had her job, she had her family and friends, she had a serious boyfriend now. She didn’t  _ need _ Lena. When Lena left again, she’d be fine. It was selfish to say it, but Lena was glad that she was leaving this time. It hurt less for her to leave instead of being left. Somehow, it made her think that it was her choice, rather than an order. Lena liked to be in control, and leaving made her feel like she was. She could make plans to leave. There was packing and the rounds of goodbyes, the scheduled trip to the airport, the organising rides to and from the airport. Being left was a lot like having the rug pulled out from under her feet. It made her feel useless, like she had nothing to do but twiddle her thumbs as she waited to be left behind.

 

            This time, it was Kara being left again, and she didn’t look too happy about it. She had that helpless look about her that Lena recognised, a look that she knew, and the feelings that accompanied it all too well. “Just because I’m fine, it doesn’t mean I want you to  _ go. _ They’re using you and you’re letting them! _ ” _

 

            “I know,” Lena mumbled, ducking her head down as she frowned at the brick floor. “But I have to do it. Just … give me another few months. Please. I’ll be back before Christmas, in time to put up the tree. I promise.”

 

            Quietly laughing, Kara gave her a grim smile, reaching out to give her a gentle nudge. “Alright. But then you  _ have _ to come back. I miss my best friend.”

 

            “You’re telling  _ me,” _ Lena exclaimed, giving her a strained smile. Raising her phone slightly, she gave her a forlorn look. “I, uh, I have to call Jack back. Let him know …”

 

            “Right,” Kara said, her eyes shining slightly in the afternoon sunlight. She swallowed thickly as she nodded once. “I’ll, uh, I guess I’ll get the candles out and get the cake ready.”

 

            Nodding, Lena gave her a grateful smile, before turning her back on her and pressing Jack’s number. Closing her eyes, she pressed the phone to her ear and slowly breathed out, her heart thudding loudly in her chest as she listened to it ring. A moment later she was met with a familiar voice, and she felt her heart twinge slightly as she told him she’d be back tomorrow. He was ecstatic, talking about how great it would be for their careers, how it could be the turning point in their case, with a good witness, how fortunate they were. Yet Lena had never felt more unlucky in her life. She didn’t even know how to tell everyone. They were inside, celebrating her daughter’s birthday, and she was going to have to say goodbye to them as they left in a little while. That she’d see them again in a few months. Maybe. If she was lucky, and hadn’t just lied to Kara’s face.

 

            With the assurance that Jack would be there to pick her tomorrow, no matter what time she got in, Lena walked back inside as she tried to swallow her bitterness, taking in the sight of Kara placing candles into the cake, while Laurel stood at the edge of the table, smiling as she watched. Picking her daughter up and standing her on a chair, Lena wrapped her arms around her from behind and peppered her cheek with kisses, a feeling of regret welling up inside at the thought of pulling her away from her family again. Everyone had always shown up for her, with new additions along the way, and Lena hated to tear her away from them again. It hurt her, but more than anything, it was confusing for Laurel. 

 

            She stayed silent as she watched Kara light the candles, and smiled as she joined in with the round of happy birthday, squeezing her daughter tightly, aware of camera flashes as Kara was back at it again with the photography, and she felt the ache in her chest grow even stronger. Laurel blew out the candles, and Sam helped cut the cake into slices, everyone milling about with a plate of it, appreciatively telling Lena how good it was, and she sat glumly in the corner with her own untouched slice, watching her daughter shadow Ruby. It wasn’t until Alex wandered over to her and took a seat with her, prompting her with her quiet orders to spill, that Lena let everything come out. She didn’t want to admit that she was going again, she didn’t want to say goodbye, but it was the truth, and she had to face it.

 

            The ending of the party was a sombre affair. Slowly and quietly, she’d made her change of plans known to her friends, all of them looking surprised at the fact that she was leaving so suddenly and so soon again, and she gave them all thin smiles, making flippant comments about her work. Lena wasn’t very convincing though, and she was mostly left to her own thoughts, everyone giving her space when she wanted anything but that, until it was time for everyone to start leaving. In ones and twos they started leaving, with Sam and Alex staying to help clear up, while Lena changed her flights in her bedroom and packed alone, blinking back the prickling feeling in her eyes as she sorted everything out. The day had taken a sharp turn from joyful celebrations of her daughter’s fifth birthday and her delight at being back home, to despair as her plans were torn away from her and she was ordered back to London. It was no good complaining about it though, and she stoically took it on the chin, hugging Alex and Sam tightly goodbye, knowing that she’d miss them the most after Kara, and was left to her last night in her apartment.

 

            She told Laurel before putting her to bed, hugging her daughter close as she cried herself to sleep, with Kara perching on the edge of the bed, rubbing soothing circles on Laurel’s back as she drifted off. With a wavering smile, Lena told Kara that she was fine, and the two of them sat on the little girl’s bed until Lena started to drift off, exhaustion creeping up on her. 

 

            A few hours later, she was shaken awake by an apologetic looking Kara, who told her that she had to get ready. She’d booked the earliest flight possible, as ordered, and it was nearing ten o’clock at night, giving her a little under an hour to get ready and make her way towards the airport. Sighing, Lena left Laurel to sleep and made her way towards the bathroom, showering while Kara brushed her teeth and changed out of her sweatpants, before getting herself ready for the flight. Unable to bring herself to put the effort in, she dressed in drab clothing, a thick sweater, a pair of jeans, and her flat hair put up into a limp ponytail. She couldn’t even bring herself to care about her appearance, and quickly went to gently shake her daughter awake, changing her into the clothes left out for her, and gathering up all of their belongings.

 

            All too soon, she was in the car, their cases in the trunk, and Kara sitting in the driver’s seat. They spoke very little on the drive there, although the air was thick with the tension, and Lena had a dozen things on the tip of her tongue. She never spoke any of them though, biting them all back as they heaviness inside her weighed her down, and she settled into the passenger seat as she watched the city lights fade behind her. Even though she’d told Kara she’d be back in time for Christmas, she really couldn’t say how long it would be before she saw them again. Christmas was just a vain hope, and she’d cling to it, even if it led to disappointment. It was all she had left at this point. With neither hide nor sight of her brother, he’d still managed to take everything from her by the threat of his presence alone, and she was sick of it. Now more than ever.

 

            She was sick of saying goodbye to Kara too, and this time was no difference. Although it didn’t hurt as much doing the leaving, Lena was still a mumbling mess as she shuffled her feet and looked at the floor at the departure gate, and she could barely meet Kara’s eyes as they hugged goodbye, her heart aching just that little bit more. They both tried their best to keep it together though, giving each other tearful smiles and making false optimistic comments about how time would fly, and promises that they’d call each other every night, as usual. Still, it didn’t make a difference, and Lena quietly broke down the moment she was seated on the plane, trying to remain inconspicuous with her bloodshot eyes and red nose. 

 

            It was a long flight, to say the least, and Laurel slept most of it while Lena enjoyed the stream of whisky brought to her by the air hostess, relaxing as she tried to numb the aching feeling. This time, it felt different somehow, stronger, as if it was almost a palpable physical pain to be separated from Kara. She knew it was stupid to feel like that, but it really did feel like she’d lost a bit of herself, leaving behind that emptiness and loneliness she’d grown used to. It never left her, she carried it everywhere, and a few short days with Kara hadn’t been enough to heal it. 

 

            Even the sight of Jack, lovely, kind, trusting Jack, waiting in the arrivals lounge wasn’t enough to make her feel comforted as she exited baggage reclaim and customs and spotted him standing there with a warm smile on her face. If anything, it reminded her of everything she’d left behind.

 

            “Flight was okay?” Jack asked as soon as Lena neared him, reaching out to take the trolley from her as she held a sleepy Laurel in her arms, struggling under the weight of her growing daughter. “You look knackered.”

 

            Ignoring the comment, Lena gave him a grim look. “Take me to him.”

 

            Nodding, Jack didn’t have to ask who she was talking about, and he turned and wheeled her cases off towards his car. She was far from excited about being back in London, although she held no personal grudges against the city, and she’d come back to do her job. The heavy weight of being away from her home, from Kara, settled back down on her shoulders as they wove their way through the airport, and Lena knew that she couldn’t do it for much longer. It was getting too hard. She was here for her job, and she was going to do it, and that was that.


	24. Chapter 24

            Otis Graves didn’t tell them anything. Not that first day, when Lena was cranky after a long flight, having left her daughter asleep on a few chairs in the hallway, sitting in a chair across from the handcuffed burly man, asking blunt questions, one after the other, to no avail. It didn’t work a week later, when he was moved to a high security location outside of London, when she was softer, more coercive, her and Jack playing nice as they tried to get their witness to spill. They already had him in custody, he’d been brought in on concealed weapons charges, assault, theft and a dozen other minor things. He’d be found guilty, it was just a matter of trying to get him to help them before he was. They could bribe him with a plea deal, get him a shorter sentence. But he gave them nothing.

 

            For weeks they tried, sometimes taking it in turns to go by themselves, going together as a tag team, yet he wouldn’t give them anything useful. Instead, Otis would lean back in his chair, one arm slung around the back, and he’d smirk, a self-satisfied look on his face, and make jokes that fell flat in the face of the two stoic agents. That was more frustrating than anything else, the fact that weeks went by with nothing. September came around with no new leads - nothing. Not even her mother cooperated and gave her a few snippets from her penthouse imprisonment, leaving Lena sitting impatiently and irritably in her London apartment. Her trip back to National City had been cut short for this and it had amounted to nothing. 

 

            Even her near-daily talks with Kara did little to make her feel better. There was a distance growing between them, and Lena could feel the hole in her chest widening, growing bigger and aching just a little bit stronger each day. She could almost feel the threads that tied her to Kara weakening, and no matter how much Sam assured her that Kara wasn’t replacing her, the more it felt like she was. It wasn’t anything she said over the phone, it was almost the opposite. All of their conversations had a gaping hole where all mentions of Mike were left out, but Lena could see them anyway, knowing that when Kara said she was going to a party that night, it was with Mike, or that when she said they all had a game night, he was there too, playing as her partner, like Lena had used to.

 

            The weeks sped by, October coming and going with little fuss, except for Halloween, where Jack showed up at her apartment dressed as Dracula, cut arm and necks holes into two black trash bags and jammed witches hats onto Lena and Laurel’s head, before dragging them out to knock on a few doors in the area. That was the most relaxing thing she’d done in weeks, because even the moments spent taking her daughter to various locations around and outside the city were tainted by the looming thoughts of her job. It was like she couldn’t escape it, like she was doomed to be trapped in London forever, chasing after her brother from afar. She almost would’ve preferred to be in National City and been the live bait that Kara seemed to think the DEO were using her as. At least she would’ve been happier. But it would’ve been a selfish happiness, risking her friend’s life for the sake of her own comfort. 

 

            But as the weather grew colder, six months turning into seven, and then eight, Lena found herself spiralling deeper and deeper into a black hole of helplessness. Jack took her to his dad’s house for dinner one night, ordering Chinese from his local, and she sat there in silence for the most part, going through the motions as they played  _ Uno _ , he brought pizzas to her apartment as they read over files, trying to comb through the information they’d been through a dozen times, piecing together the ever-growing puzzle, to no avail. It was like she was running on autopilot, her whole body drained as she dragged herself through life. The only times she was genuinely happy was with her daughter. When she laughed it was because of Laurel, her smiles were quick to come at her daughter’s antics, and when she enrolled Laurel in daycare - one of the high security places where politicians and government officials sent their kids - she missed her every moment that she was gone. 

 

            Even her talks with Kara became shorted as she pulled away, and she knew she was doing it, but she couldn’t help herself. Lena had never been good at false optimism, although she’d always tried for her friend’s sake, but as she grew increasingly broodier, she found that she couldn’t keep a conversation with Kara running for longer than a few minutes, afraid that her friend would see right through her thinly veiled lies about how well she was doing. When they talked, Lena deflected the conversation back to Kara, asking her about what she was up to, not just to sidetrack Kara from asking her own questions, but because she was genuinely interested in what she was up to, if she was happy and safe. 

 

            But she couldn’t shake the feeling that Sam was wrong. That she  _ was _ being replaced, and in the late hours, when she was alone in her bed, staring up at the ceiling in the lamplit room when sleep evaded her, she turned it over in her mind. Jealousy had always been a foreign feeling to her; she’d always had everything, except love that was, so she’d never been jealous of anyone. Until Mike. With slow growing unease, Lena questioned the feeling, wondering why she’d never felt jealous before. She’d never been jealous of Winn and Sam before, or James, or Alex, for all the time they got to spend with Kara. So why was she jealous of Mike? Why was it solely  _ him _ that she felt was replacing her? He didn’t live with her, he saw her as often as her own family and friends, yet there was the unmistakable feeling that he had stolen the special place Lena had always occupied in Kara’s life.

 

            It was mid-November when it hit her one night, when Laurel was in bed and she was washing the dishes from dinner, up to her elbows in the soapy water as she half-listened to the news, and turned over the conversation she’d had with Kara earlier on in the evening. She’d been left with that confusing feeling ever since, a familiarness now, an almost ever-present feeling that was left behind after talking to her friend. Lena could identify some parts - the longing, the homesickness, and yes, the jealousy - but there was an undercurrent of some unnameable feelings, and she was puzzling through what it was about Mike that rubbed her the wrong way, when it hit her.

 

            In hindsight, she should’ve known, but how could she? Realisation hit her like a punch to her stomach, leaving her breathless as she clutched the edge of the kitchen counters, staring down at the fading soap suds clinging to her wet hands as she gave a name to the feelings. It was love. Of  _ course _ it was. It had been there for so long that she had never really paid it any attention, but it had been there for longer than she’d been willing to admit. To herself, to Kara. But it was more than that, more than her denying her feelings, but a sense of misunderstanding. She’d never felt like that before. Never had the capacity to, and she hadn’t understood  _ what _ it was she was feeling. The air rushed out of her lungs as she exhaled sharply, a sick feeling brewing inside her as realisation slammed into her. Her chest constricted in an almost suffocating way, a heavy weight in her chest as she stood at the kitchen sink, her mind turning over the newfound fact that she loved Kara. And not in the way she’d always dismissively told her, that it was nothing more than the way she loved her friend, or the family that they’d become, but something  _ more _ . Real love, but a kind of love she’d never imagined, never experienced. And it clicked that she was jealous of Mike because he  _ was _ in the position that she wanted to be, she just hadn’t realised it.

 

            With sudden clarity, everything made sense. The longing for home - for Kara - the constant ache in her chest when she was away from her, as if she was  _ pining _ over her, the jealousy, the overwhelming need to protect her - sure, Lena cared about Kara’s friends and family, but it was for Kara and Laurel that she’d left for London - and the worry that she was slipping away. It all crashed into her at once, leaving Lena stunned by the comprehension that dawned on her, leaving her feeling stupid and guilty. She’d rejected Kara, under the impression that she didn’t love her, but she  _ did _ , she just hadn’t known it at the time. 

 

            Hands shaking, she went to bed that night, shoving those feelings down as she lay on the soft mattress, staring up at the ceiling and trying to stop the hum of adrenaline coursing through her body as her heart raced in her chest. When the sun started to rise, the sky a dark grey outside as London woke, she hadn’t slept a wink. She didn’t move from the bed until Laurel came in, jumping on top of her, and Lena wrapped her in a voluminous hug and tickled her daughter until they were both giggling among the messed up bed sheets.

 

            With her daughter as a distraction, Lena pushed all brooding thoughts of Kara aside and climbed out of bed to make them breakfast. Standing her daughter on a chair, Lena let Laurel whisk the pancake batter, adding in a punnet of blueberries and warming the frying pan. Cooking a giant stack, she set the table and piled them onto two plates, letting her daughter drizzle as much maple syrup over them as she wanted to. With cartoons playing on TV, they enjoyed a quiet breakfast, and Lena listened to her daughter tell her about the friends she was making at daycare, about the books the woman there read to them, and how she wanted to go for ice cream. A smile playing on her lips, Lena patiently explained that it was too cold for ice cream, running a hand over her daughter’s hair as she told her she’d take her for hot chocolate later to warm them up.

 

            She didn’t anticipate the call off Jack just as they were splitting the last pancake, Lena making a tower of strawberries and whipped cream on top of Laurel’s for her when her phone started buzzing. Licking maple syrup off her fingers, she swiped across and got up from her chair, telling Laurel to remember her manners as she carried her plate into the kitchen, wedging the phone between her ear and shoulder.

 

            “Hello?”

 

_             “We got that warrant for the storage unit in Mercy Graves’ name. And guess what we found in there? An encrypted laptop.” _

 

            “Really? Have they found anything on it yet?”

 

            She could hear the frustration in Jack’s voice when he replied.  _ “Nothing yet. The lads in IT can’t crack the encryption.” _

 

            Pursing her lips, Lena drummed her fingers on the countertop, her mind racing as she tried to find a solution. One article on that laptop was all they needed to incriminate Ben Lockwood and her brother, tie them both together and shut down their operation. Just one article and she could go home, to Kara. What kind of homecoming she would go home to was another question. Kara was in a relationship now, and Lena couldn’t expect her to drop that because she’d finally figured out what she wanted, that she wanted her. But she could go home still.

 

            “Leave it with me.”

 

            Hanging up, she made a quick call to the DEO, explaining the situation to Hank when she was put through to him. It was risky, speaking to him over the phone, not a secure landline in that off the grid room at the secret London headquarters, but it couldn’t wait. Her patience was wearing thin, and the longer it took to crack this, the longer she’d be in London. The longer she’d be aching, be pining after her best friend, away from the people that were her family. She’d promised she’d be back by Christmas, and this was the moment she’d get to keep that promise. It was with overwhelming relief, and a small part smugness that she ended her conversation with Hank, with the reassurance that Querl would be on the next flight to London to help decrypt the files.

 

            A smile splitting her face, she walked back over to Laurel and bent down, giving her a big kiss on the cheek and wrapping her arms around her. Holding up a forkful of pancakes, Laurel twisted in her embrace and gave her a gap toothed smile, and Lena laughed as she stole a bite and gave her another kiss before straightening up. Even if it was just to come and lend a hand, the sight of a familiar face from home lifted Lena’s spirits. Querl would be a reminder of the friends she had waiting back there for her, even though she didn’t need one, because the constant ache was a reminder of Kara waiting for her.

 

            Querl arrived the following day, with Lena there to meet him at the airport, taking in the bleary eyed dark haired man looking lost in the middle of Heathrow airport with his duffel bag in hand and a puffy coat dwarfing him. Giving him a warm smile, Lena led him to Jack’s car, the two of them chatting as they caught up on all of the things they’d missed with each other’s lives. The main topic of conversation was the case, and Lena told him everything that her and Jack had uncovered, the kind of things they were looking for on the laptop, and they quickly fell into making plans. Usually they were a team. At their blacksite in National City, they sat at their respective desks, side by side, scouring information together, but this time it was a different kind of team. This time, she was a field agent as well as a psychological profiler and analyst, and she was relying on Querl to give her the key to stop her brother, one of the last few pieces she needed. She trusted him completely to do it too, and Jack.

 

            He rested the first day, sleeping on the sofa and then helping Laurel do puzzles and play with her dinosaurs, eating the sandwiches Lena made and drinking the copious amounts of coffee as he adjusted to the new timezone. Jack came over that night to introduce himself and they ordered Mexican food from a little joint down the street, Laurel dozing on the sofa as the sun set outside, bottles of Stella on the kitchen counters as the adults gathered around on the bar stools and the counters, files spread everywhere, sheets of paper with neatly typed writing or glossy photographs snapped by CCTV cameras. They talked for hours, long after Jack had scooped up Laurel and carried her to bed.

 

            It didn’t take Querl long to decrypt the files on the laptop, giving MI6 a copy as well as forwarding them onto the DEO, and they found parts of the information they needed. They found the evidence they needed to get a search warrant for Lockwood’s shipping business, evidence of the money trails, the false names that were on each bank account, the list of Lex’s men and files on all of Lockwood’s men. It took them a few days to put together a plan. 

 

            On Friday night, Lena bundled up in dark jeans, a thick navy sweater, and a black coat over the top, her hair tied up and a gun holstered at her waist. Jack was likewise dressed down and similarly armed, and Lena kissed her daughter goodbye with hope burning in her heart, reminding her to be good for Querl, who was staying at the apartment, on the comms devices with them as he watched the live CCTV footage from the cameras he’d hacked into. Full of optimism, for the first time in months, holding her secret, painful love for Kara inside her heart, she went downstairs with Jack and climbed into the driver’s seat, both of them knowing that in a tight situation, Lena was the better driver, able to shake any tails with the ease of someone who’d spent their younger years in drag races through busy cities. 

 

            They made their way to the rusted, colourful shipping containers piled on top of each other down by the docks, serial numbers printed on the sides, chain link fences topped with barbed wire and a guard tower on either side of the wide, locked gate. Parking across the street, Lena cut the engine and killed the lights, and the two of them set about their reconnaissance mission. For the next three nights, the two of them would be here to scout, to watch, a boring stakeout like the dozen others they’d been on while they watched all the pieces in their elaborate chess game. Tonight was no different. Except that as the hours dragged on, inching towards midnight with no sight of anything moving, the muffled foghorn sounds of ships in the distance and the murky smell of the river nearby, they grew bored, and they got to talking.

 

            “This’ll all be over soon,” Jack murmured, a small smile on his face, laced with sadness as he faced her.

 

            “I hope.”

 

            “You wound me. Won’t you miss me, even just a little?”

 

            Head lolling to the side, a slow smile spread across Lena’s face as she stared at him. She would miss him. She’d miss him more than she’d ever expected to, not having come here with the intention of making friends. But he wasn’t Kara, and she’d never truly miss him, because she knew what it meant to miss someone now. Someone she could never have, because of the past few days, she’d realised the awful truth that she’d missed her window. There had been a moment where she could’ve been with Kara, as more than just friends, as more than an occasional hookup, but she’d turned her down. There had been multiple moments. And of course fate would have it that Lena realised her feelings when Kara was with someone else. What kind of friend would she be if she got in the way of that? Lena couldn’t be that selfish, and as full of hope as she was, and full of painful love too, she knew that she’d be going home to her friend, and nothing more.

 

            “Of course I will,” she whispered, a troubled look crossing her face. “I wouldn’t have made it without you.”

 

            Waving his hand dismissively, he gave her a kind look, “of course you would’ve. You’re  _ you _ . You would’ve done it all by yourself if you had to. You’d do anything to go back to her.”

 

            Startling slightly with surprise, Lena stammered slightly as she looked at him, her eyes owlishly round in the darkness as she found herself speechless. “What?”

 

            Scoffing, Jack gave her a half-hearted smile. “I know you love her, Lena, I'm not daft. It’s so obvious. She’s all you talk about, all you think about, and the only time I’ve ever seen you genuinely happy is with her. Well, her and Ducky, but that just proves my point. You’re happy with the people you love.”

 

            “I love you too,” Lena lightly replied, nudging him with her elbow, “you’re my only friend here. It’s made me soft.”

 

            Snorting, Jack ducked his head down, shaking it slowly as his neatly combed her became a shaggy mess. “No, you don’t. You’re … you don’t love people easily, even your friends. And it’s a shame, because we would be so great together. And not in that way, I know, I know, but you know I’d look after you. You’re a special person to me, and if you needed someone, you know I’d be there for you. You and Ducky. I know you said you don’t need to give her a family, but you know that I’d be that for you if you needed it. We’d be stable, comfortable. I’d never ask you for anything-”

 

            “Why’re you doing this now?” Lena flatly asked, her face stiff as she looked at him with confusion. He’d never shown the slightest bit of interest in her while she’d been in London, and of course they were partners, so it was strictly professional, but he’d never asked her to dinner without the assumption that her child would be coming, or made anything other than friendly comments. For him to say this now, when her departure could possibly be looming closer than she’d dared hope, was a shock, to say the least.

 

            “Because she’s dating someone else, and you’re all alone, and I want you to know that you wouldn’t have to be alone. I’m not saying that you would love me, or that we’d be anything other than what we are now, but sometimes people need a love that’s something more than romantic. They need a family, and if things- well, I could be your family.”

 

            Chewing on her bottom lip, Lena let out a soft sigh, and a small smile curled her lips as she tried to diffuse the seriousness of the moment, even as she knew that he was being serious. He would be all those things for her, a father for her daughter, someone to help pick her back up when she fell apart, the crutch that she’d been without for so many months, standing on one leg as she tried to do her job and raise her child alone. He was selfless and kind, and she didn’t deserve him.

 

            “Well, that lady at Gregg’s already thinks you’re Ducky’s father, so we’d look the part, hey? A loving family. Picture perfect.”

 

            She laughed as she said it, unable to keep it from bubbling up inside, and Jack let out a chuckle too, shaking his head as an amused look lit up his face, his dark eyes crinkling at the corners as they both fondly remembered the memory. And Lena could envision what she’d said, her with her own life, in London, safe from her brother, getting over her feelings for her best friend, and she knew that she could never have that life. As blind as she’d been to her feelings, they’d always been there, always been so strong, and she knew that she could no sooner leave behind her daughter than leave behind Kara. But it was an amusing idea, and it felt good to laugh about something, and they both laughed harder than the joke warranted, until they were laughing just for the sake of it, because Lena was seeming happier than she had in a while and neither of them wanted that moment to fade into pitiful loneliness again.

 

            And then everything took a sharp turn, and one moment they were laughing, and Lena felt a warmth kindle in her chest, the gentle knowledge of comfort and safety with someone else blossoming inside her as she gripped the steering wheel and flashed Jack a white smile, her mouth open with laughter. And the next moment, a sharp crack split the stillness of the moment, startling Lena as she winced, the windscreen cracking and fracturing, a hot spray of coppery blood splattering her face, and Jack’s eyes turning glassy as his face went slack, his laughter dying on his still smiling lips.

 

            A scream got caught in her throat, and Lena was frozen in place, staring at her dead friend, the dark bullet hole on his forehead trickling black blood down his bronze skin, the taste of blood strong in her mouth from where she’d still been laughing open-mouthed at the gunshot. Nothing but a pathetic, barely audible cry fell from her lips as she sat rigidly in the driver’s seat, her knuckles white as she clenched the steering wheel. It was as if time was suspended in that moment, the drops of blood slowly moving down Jack’s face as his whole body went limp, no chance of saving him. 

 

            She could feel the hot blood cooling as it dried. She could hear her own breath wheezing in her chest as a pressure built up inside her, an unfamiliar feeling of panic welling up, the threat of tears stinging her eyes as a sob battled its way up her throat. It didn’t fall past her lips though. She was too numb to even process what had just happened. They were making dinner plans. Lena was ready to give in to kindness and security so that she wouldn’t have to be alone forever. Her only friend here was offering her stability, a family for her daughter, and now he was dead. Because of her. That much she knew without a doubt, and the thought silently choked her, her throat closing up as she took in the slack face bathed in shadow.

 

            Her whole body trembled as she sat there in the car, unable to bring herself to move, to react to the brutal display of violence. It wasn’t anything new to her, the simple act of ending a life - she’d seen her father and brother do that more than once - but it had never been someone she’d loved. And she had loved Jack, in a way. The way that she loved her other friends, if only in that way. And now he was dead. 

 

            She could’ve stayed there all night if a noise hadn’t disturbed her. Lena had no doubt that she wouldn’t have been able to move, tasting the metallic blood on her tongue, on her lips, for hours as she sat in the car with her dead friend, unable to call it in as she struggled to process what she’d just endured. But she heard the sound, the slow, unmistakable sound of heels clicking on the graveled ground, and she stiffly turned her head, genuine fear creeping up on her as she turned to face the monster. She already knew, of course she did, and as she dragged her wide, horrified eyes away from her dead friend’s body, the door was pulled open, letting in a rush of cold air, the wind biting at her blood flecked cheeks and tugging at her hair.

 

            Clucking her tongue, Mercy Graves braced one hand against the roof of the car, ducking her head down to peer into the dark interior of the car, her eyes sliding over Lena, who trembled as she clutched onto the steering wheel, staring straight ahead, out through the windscreen.

 

            “Shame,” Mercy sighed. “This all could’ve ended very differently.”

 

            A pitiful moan worked its way up Lena’s throat, and she stiffened as the cold muzzle of a gun was pressed up under her jaw, biting into her skin as she shook with fear and shock. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to move, not even to save her own life, and she let her heavy lidded eyes drag closed, tears sliding down her cheeks as she drew in a ragged, wheezing breath, waiting for the momentary sharp pain before it all ended. She wasn’t afraid to die; she was afraid for her daughter, and Kara, and her friends, but not for herself. How could she be? She deserved this. It was her fault. Jack was dead, and James had been shot, and Kara could be next, and she would’ve rathered die herself than let Lex harm a single hair on Kara’s head. 

 

            “Your brother sends his regards. He’ll see you soon.” 

 

            And then the cold metal was gone, the car door left wide open, chilling her to the bone, taking what little warmth was left inside her shuddering body, and Lena’s eyes slowly opened, her eyelashes fluttering as she found herself all alone. All alone with Jack’s dead body buckled into the passenger seat beside her, and Lena let out a choked sound as the air rushed out of her lungs. The sobs came quickly after that, working their way up her throat, choking her as her tense shoulders were wracked with shudders.

 

            It was a long time before she moved again. She wasn’t sure how they found her, perhaps they were tracking Jack’s phone, or his car, but it wasn’t until narrow, sweeping beams of light cut across her face that she jerked back to reality. Her mind had retreated to some detached, oblivious place, leaving her blind to her surroundings, trapped within the numbing haze of blank thoughts, but the lights brought her back, a stinging pain of brightness making her eyes water as she flinched back into the moment. 

 

            Shouts washed over her as armed forces jogged to the car, rifles in hand, their voices a buzzing sound to her ringing ears as the sound of her ragged breaths seemed deafeningly loud to herself. The rancid smell of the car washed over her, making her gag, and she realised she’d vomited all over herself, the taste of bile mingling with the blood coating her teeth and tongue. Not to mention the dead body sitting beside her. Jerkily turning her head, she watched as the agents approached, her bottom lip quivering as she suppressed sobs.

 

            A man reached her first, shouting incomprehensible things at her as Lena blinked slowly, her mind sluggish as she stared at him open mouthed. Dimly aware of the passenger side being opened, more shouts from that side, she let out a strangled sound. Strong, gloved hands unbuckled her and pulled her from the car, her legs giving out as she was set on her feet, immediately sagging as her knees buckled, and swept off her feet a moment later. 

 

            They placed her in a car, that much she was aware of, although she wasn’t aware of much else. She must’ve dozed in the back of the car, oblivious to the bumpy, fast ride through the city, to some off the grid location, or she was too far down in the pit of shock to be aware of it all. The sharp whiteness of luminescent lights brought her back to it, an arm around her waist holding her up as she stumbled down a white hallway. Led into a sparsely furnished room, she was deposited onto a sagging sofa, a pair of softly worn folded clothes set beside her for her to change into. There was no shower to wash the blood and vomit off her skin, but she was left alone to change into the baggy grey sweatshirt and jogging bottoms that she had to roll up twice at the cuffs. A leaky faucet dripped into the tarnished sink in the common room area, and she robotically dampened a dish towel and wiped her face, before washing her hands, watching rust coloured water swirl down the drain.

 

            A cup of scalding tea was brought to her in a paper cup, and she was ushered into a stark white room, a table and two chair occupying the middle as a strip light illuminated the room. She knew it was an interrogation room, and she found herself across from an MI6 agent, a second one draping a scratchy blanket around her shoulders as she shivered from the icy coldness that pooled at the bottom of her spine. Clutching the paper cup for dear life, she felt hot tears track their way down her cheeks, her lips quivering as she came back to her senses and the realisation that her friend was dead. Gone. Killed in front of her. And she hadn’t been able to do anything, frozen to the spot as Mercy Graves meandered towards her and eyes her handiwork. She should’ve killed her then and there. Lena should’ve slipped her gun free of its holster and emptied the magazine into the cold woman’s chest, just like she’d do to her brother if she ever had the chance. But it was late, she was cold, and so exhausted that her bones felt like they were filled with lead as she slumped in the chair, her teeth chattering and her tears dripping onto the front of the sweatshirt.

 

            Then came the questions, and she shook her head, eyes squeezed shut as she tried to remember, her words coming out halting and stammering, her breath rattling in her chest as she tried to form a coherent thought. All she could think was that her daughter was with Querl, and she needed to see her, and Kara was in National City, her brother’s city, and she had to know if she was okay. After stuttering her way through a dozen questions, blinking back the burning feeling in her eyes and swallowing the bile that rose in her gorge, she was let free. There was no doubt that it wasn’t her fault, her face grey with grief, eyes haunted and a shambling mess at the loss of the only person she had in London, and she was cast pitying looks, and given gentle pats on the back as she was led through the building.

 

            A woman drove her home, asking for her address and turning the heating on in the car as Lena shook from her stretched out position on the back seats, the thin blanket pulled tightly around herself as if she was trying to keep herself from falling apart. It was a jostling ride, the warmth radiating from the vents as she breathed in the smell of leather and the fresh pine smell of the air freshener swaying from the rearview mirror. They pulled up outside her building a while later, and the lurching stop of the car jolted her into motion, dragging herself upright and scrambling for the door handle. A bitter cold air raced in, and she breathed in the fresh, damp smell, fire tracing its way down her throat from the chill of it, and she stumbled out of the car, the agent hurrying to follow after her.

 

            Fumbling for her keys, her hand shook as she tried to open the door to the lobby, and the woman gently relieved her of them and her steady hands unlocked the door, holding it open for Lena to step inside. The ride up in the elevator was silent and Lena struggled to hold it together, her bottom lip trembling as she fought back the urge to cry, a hollowing sickness opening up inside her from the events of the night, and she had to let her hand trail against the wall for balance as they stepped out into the hallway and she walked towards her apartment.

 

            It was long after midnight, the early hours of the morning seeming timeless and unending, especially on such a dark night, and Lena stood outside her door, listening to the quietness of the building as her keys jingled in the woman’s hands. She stepped inside and staggered down the hallway, feeling drunk as her head ached and her stomach hurt, and was met with the sight of a tousle haired Querl climbing to his feet, dark shadows ringing his eyes and fuzzy socks sliding on the floor.

 

            “Lena?” he cautiously asked, her voice a low whisper.

 

            “Jack’s dead,” she hoarsely replied as she spoke the truth for the first time, her throat raspy from the bile, and she leant against the wall as she sagged, her knees shaking with the effort of supporting her exhausted body.

 

            With quiet condolences, the woman left her keys on the counter and left without another word, leaving her with Querl for company. Her friend’s presence was a merciful comfort, and Lena all but collapsed into his arms as he came towards her, a wary look on his face, and reached out to grab her. She didn’t cry though, she just desperately held onto the comforting warmth of another person, alive and solid beneath her, and let out a shuddering breath. He held her for a few minutes, a little stiff with the unfamiliar display of physical contact, but he was there, and he was what she needed in that moment, before he guided her down the hallway and ushered her into the bathroom. Leaving her alone, he shut the door behind himself, and Lena peeled off the borrowed clothes and climbed into the bathtub, turning the showerhead on above her and curling up below the stream of hot water as she let out a strangled sob. 

 

            She was sick twice in the bath, retching as she took in the dried blood flecking her hands, her breaths coming in ragged gasps as she scrubbed at her face with a bar of soap and a clean flannel, her dark hair sticking to her skin in ropy tendrils. It all seemed like some kind of nightmare, a horror show happening to someone else, and her mind reeled as she sat in the ever-draining tub, her back speckled with drops of hot water as she hugged her knees to her chest, tears mingling with the water as her eyes turned bloodshot. Eventually she got out, a gentle rap on the door from Querl interrupting her as he came to check up on her, no doubt having already called the DEO and informed them of the status of their operation there. She climbed out and wrapped herself in a towel, sniffing and wiping at her face as she took in the sallow reflection in the foggy mirror.

 

            Leaving the bathroom, she walked to her bedroom and changed into her own pyjamas, leaving the other clothes abandoned on the bathroom floor, and collapsed onto her bed. A few minutes later, Querl appeared in the doorway, holding two cups of tea and wearing a crestfallen expression, a look of pity swimming in his dark eyes as he stepped inside without invitation and crossed over to where she was curled up in a ball, staring at the wall. The mattress bounced as he sat down near her feet, holding out a cup of tea. A small sob worked its way up her throat as she stared at the cup, shifting upright to take it. Jack had been a strong believer in the fact that there were few things a good cup of tea couldn’t cure. As if trying to hold onto a piece of him, hoping that he was right, she drained the scalding tea in a few mouthfuls, the tea pooling in her stomach and spreading a warmth through her, before she curled back up into a ball. It didn’t make her feel better; it just made her feel warm.

 

            After a few minutes of silence, while Lena wallowed in her stunned disbelief, trying to keep it together for the sake of the man beside her, she finally spoke, her voice scratchy, even after she cleared her throat. “Laurel.”

 

            “I put her to bed at nine,” Querl murmured.

 

            Nodding, Lena let out a heavy breath, her eyes dragging closed as weariness swept over her. 

 

            “Do you want me to bring her in here?”

 

            She shook her head, unable to bear the thought of her daughter seeing her like this, of having to answer her questions about Jack, and she swallowed a sob as she hugged a pillow to herself. “No. No, I just- I want to sleep.” 

 

            What she really wanted was Kara. She’d never wanted her so badly in her life, but she was on the other side of the world, and Lena was all alone. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she sank into the bed, and she felt Querl climb to his feet and disappear. He was back a moment later, kneeling beside her head, a glass of water and a few pills nestled in the palm of his hand. She knew that they would help her sleep better, and she took them without protest, murmuring her thanks, before knocking them back with the water. Head sinking into the pillow, she squeezed her eyes shut and prayed for the blackness to swallow her up quickly, pulling her away from the world of consciousness. The last thing she was aware of was the gentle tugging of the quilt being pulled out from beneath her, before its pillowy softness was draped over her and she was left alone to sleep.

 

            She slept for twelve hours, waking in the afternoon to the sound of voices in the kitchen and living room. Kicking back the covers, she staggered out of bed, her limbs leaden as she walked towards the door and opened it, stepping out into the hallway and pausing at the sight of the four people gathered in her apartment.

 

            “Mommy!” Laurel said, giving her a wide grin as she ran over to her, and Lena all but fell to her knees, opening her arms as her daughter ran into them, burying her face in her hair as she hugged her as tight as she could, a sob building in her chest. 

 

            And then she looked up at Kara and the sob fell from her lips unbidden, and the worst part was that she wasn’t crying because of Jack. She looked up into her friends kind blue eyes, softened with pity and concern, and she burst into tears because she loved her, and she knew without a doubt, in that moment, that she loved her completely and utterly, and she was  _ there.  _ And she cried at the guilt that welled up inside, because she didn’t want Jack, she just wanted Kara, and she felt awful for feeling that way but Kara was there and Jack was dead, and there was no one she wanted more than Kara. She broke down in front of Querl and Imra, unabashed as she held onto her daughter, her grief and her need for her best friend pouring out of her like a river, and as Kara slowly came to kneel at her side, wrapping her in her embrace and softly stroking her hair, love wrenched her heart and she cried harder as she was hit with the sense of being home.


	25. Chapter 25

            Grey light was filtering in through the gap between the drawn curtains, the rumble of cars passing by nothing but a muffled hum outside the window, and the room comfortably warm as the radiator creaked, infusing the room with heat as Lena lay beneath the covers. She was wide awake, although her eyes burned and her entire body felt drained. She’d slept at some point, after she’d exhausted herself crying in Kara’s arms, and Imra had come and taken Laurel off to her bedroom to play with some toys. In a daze, she’d stared up at Kara in disbelief, almost unable to believe that she was there, but then, of  _ course _ she’d come, because it was Kara, but Lena had wanted her so badly and it felt almost too good to be true that she’d come. Coaxed into bed, she’d cuddled up next to her best friend, suppressing hiccuping sobs as she leached comforting warmth from Kara, breathing in her perfume and letting her eyelids flutter closed at the gentle fingers stroking her hair.

 

            She’d woken a short while ago to the greyness of a wintry dawn, an emptiness inside her and a leaden feeling to her body, until she’d shifted and looked at Kara. Her friend was sleeping, eyes darting from side to side beneath closed eyelids, perfect pouting lips parted, her blonde curls splayed across the pillows, and Lena had felt warmth pool in her stomach, keeping the numbing coldness at bay. A nervousness welled up inside as she watched Kara sleep, settling on her side, taking in the way the shadows hugged the curve of her cheekbone, made her eyelashes cast long shadows across her golden skin, and the way that her lips would tug up into a smile every few moments, as if she was dreaming of something funny. Lena’s stomach lurched at the nervous feeling, her heart stumbling slightly at the sudden rush of love making its presence known. Know that she could name it, it was so obvious. How often had she felt that same twisting feeling in her stomach? The hollow fluttering feeling like trapped butterflies in her stomach, the warmth that came with the rush of homecoming she got from looking at Kara and earning one of those tender smiles that were so quick to come. She wanted to laugh at how stupidly naive she’d been, how blind and dismissive, how oblivious to it all. Under different circumstances, perhaps she would’ve laughed, but she just lay there in silence, her lips pressed into a thin line as her face was drawn with grief.

 

            Of course, she knew that nothing was different between them. Lena had come to the assumption that Querl had informed Hank, who’d sent Imra to London to continue the investigation, and send Lena back, and Imra had taken Kara for moral support, knowing that she was the comfort Lena would need. It didn’t mean that things had changed because Lena had figured out her feelings. With a bitter feeling, she lay there watching her friend, and couldn’t help but see the wry humour in it, that she was a psychologist in criminal profiling, predicting the next moves of some of the biggest names in the DEO’s database, and she couldn’t even predict herself falling in love with her best friend. Some profiler she was. 

 

            It was amusing in the awful, not funny at all kind of way too, because she could’ve had Kara, but she hadn’t realised what she could’ve had at the time, and now she was troubled by the thought of what she was going to do now. She understood how Kara had felt. Lena couldn’t admit her feelings and mess up the life Kara had created for herself while Lena had been gone, and even if she told her, if she still picked Mike, then she’d have to face the same rejection she’d put Kara through. At the moment, she wasn’t in a good place, without having her fragile feelings and thin hope squashed by her friend, who hadn’t looked at her with anything but pity all night.

 

            Rolling onto her back, she stared up at the ceiling, listening to the gentle sounds of Kara breathing, soothing the rawness of the loss of Jack, and she lay there for what seemed like forever. It was strange that she felt at peace, that Kara’s presence could be so calming in the face of something so awful, and Lena felt bad for thinking it, but when she’d regained enough consciousness to form a thought after he’d been shot, she hadn’t wanted him back, she’d just wanted Kara. When she was all alone and hurting, it was Kara that her heart had turned to, aching with the need for her, and Lena knew without a doubt that her feelings were true. It only made her more troubled to think about the mess she’d gotten herself into.

 

            Turning back to her friend, she watched her sleep peacefully, her cheeks a little flushed from the warmth of the room, and Lena had to fight the urge to reach out and caress the side of her face, wanting to brush her hair out of her face and feel the soft curve of her cheekbone beneath her fingertips. Almost as if sensing Lena watching her, Kara stirred, gently at first, her eyelashes fluttering against her cheek, and then her breathing quickened and she stretched, nearly rolling into Lena, before she fully woke, her blue eyes boring into Lena’s.

 

            “Good morning,” Lena whispered, the sudden urge to cry creeping up on her, for some indescribable reason. It wasn’t grief, it was more to do with longing, but she wasn’t quite sure if that’s what it was. All she knew was that a moment ago, she’d been fine, and then Kara had looked at her, and something inside her had broken slightly, and she’d been overcome with emotion. Just the warmth and tenderness of Kara’s gaze, the way her face softened as her lips curled into a smile, was enough to make Lena’s eyes burn and a lump form in her throat. For so long she’d thought that she wasn’t capable of love, was undeserving of it, but she felt it,  _ really _ felt it, and she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t scared. But Kara was so warm that she just wanted her, and her confused feelings about it tumbled around together inside her, darkened by the guilt and grief of Jack. She should’ve been mourning the loss of her friend, not feeling comforted by the only person she’d ever opened herself up to.

 

            “Hi,” Kara whispered, reaching out to brush Lena’s hair out of her face in the exact way Lena had wanted to do to her. Closing her eyes, Lena basked in the feeling of Kara’s fingers lingering on her cheekbone for a moment, before the touch disappeared and she opened her eyes again. “How’re you feeling?”

 

            Taking a moment to think, pushing through all of the feelings roiling inside her, she let out a gentle sigh, her eyes closing as her body went slack on the mattress. “Tired,” Lena mumbled, finding that it was true. She was exhausted from feeling so many things, for the long day and the shock of losing Jack, from struggling to understand herself. That was the only word for it.

 

            “Stay in bed,” Kara softly told her, running a hand over her hair as she pushed herself up, “I’ll make coffee and sort out Ducky.”

 

            Unable to even find the effort to protest, to tell Kara that it was fine, that she’d be up in a second and make breakfast, like she’d done everyday, by herself, but her friend was already tucking her in and making for the door. Lying beneath the heavy blankets, she listened to the sound of Kara moving around in the kitchen, the clanging sound of mugs being pulled out, the sound of the fridge closing, and marvelled at the fact that Kara made anyplace feel like home just by being in it. Home was wherever she was, to Lena at least, and she would’ve been content to stay in London forever with Kara, as long as it meant they were together. She considered asking her to stay for a brief moment, imagining what her life would be like with Kara there with her, the three of them living in the apartment while Lena finished her job, filling in the gap that Jack had taken up residency in. With a heavy sigh, she knew that she’d never be able to ask that of her. But the mere thought of being left alone again filled her with a crushing fear.

 

            The door cracked open a few minutes later, and she sluggishly pushed herself up slightly, giving Kara a small smile as she watched her push it open wider. Her smile grew, even if it trembled slightly with the effort, as Laurel wove her way around Kara’s legs and ran into the room, bare feet slapping against the wooden floor, and jumped onto the foot of the bed, quickly crawling up to Lena and flopping down on her chest, slightly winding her mother.

 

            “Hi baby,” Lena murmured, kissing her daughter on the top of her head and freeing her arms of the blankets to wrap her in a tight hug, holding her against her chest.

 

            She stayed in bed for most of the morning, reading book after book to Laurel, eating whatever Kara put in front of her, even though she wasn’t hungry, and shyly watching her friend whenever she was in the room. It was strange that she felt so shy around her, having always been so open and honest with her, but there was something about her secret feelings that made her pale cheeks turn slightly pink whenever she thought about it, whenever the feeling gently fluttered in her chest as she watched Kara fold her laundry, bring her water and tea, place a tray with steaming soup and fresh bread on her lap. 

 

            For three days, she let Kara look after her, almost filled with relief at the fact that she could just  _ be _ and know that her daughter was loved and looked after, while she scrambled to figure out her feelings and tried to mourn her friend. The truth was that she wasn’t really sure  _ how _ to mourn Jack. His death hurt, but the only other person she’d been close to that she’d lost had been her father, and Jack was a far cry from the kind of man he’d been. But she wasn’t falling to pieces, thinking that life couldn’t go on without him. He’d been a good friend, and he’d made it clear that there was the possibility that she could’ve been more to him, but for Lena, that had never really been an option. How was she supposed to mourn the man who had helped keep her together while she’d spent months pining over her best friend and ignoring his feelings for her? She felt awful that she hadn’t realised how lucky she’d been to have him, but the truth was that she wasn’t heartbroken, she just didn’t know where her place was now.

 

            It was obviously back home in National City, and she’d been ordered back there by Hank, but in what position? In London, she’d had a purpose, she’d had someone devoted to her, and she’d kept her daughter safe, but back home, Kara had moved on, she was benched at work for an indefinite amount of time, and she’d be bringing Laurel back into the jaws of danger. It left her confused about what was the right thing to do. Ultimately, homesickness won, and she knew that she’d rather confront her brother surrounded by something familiar and with people she loved supporting her, than hide away with her daughter and wait for him to decide to end his chess game, all alone, with nothing to do but twiddle her thumbs. 

 

            After the third day, she asked Kara to go home and take Laurel with her. Protesting it at first, insisting that Lena come with her, Kara eventually conceded when Lena told her that she wanted to stay for the funeral, but didn’t want her daughter to be there for that. She had a lot to pack up too, and Imra and Querl would be there, even if they didn’t offer her the same kind of comfort that Kara did. At least Lena wouldn’t be alone, and she wouldn’t have to explain things properly to her daughter. She wasn’t ready for a proper discussion about death just yet, and in no state of mind to give it anyway. It would only be for a few days anyway, having been informed by a few of Jack’s coworkers, who’d got in contact to offer their condolences, that his funeral would be held that Saturday. She’d leave the day after that.

 

            Despite her initial concern, Kara left, taking Laurel with her to give Lena the time she needed to tie up her life in London. She couldn’t deny that it was a huge relief to have been called back home to National City, even if it was under such tragic circumstances, and concern for her safety, and she was quick to pack up her meagre belongings she’d brought to the safehouse with her. When she was done, there was nothing but the sparsely decorated coldness that she’d been greeted with upon her arrival, none of the touches of a home brightening the place up, and she gave Imra a grim look, knowing that it would be the home to her friend for the next innumerable months. Lena almost felt guilty for condemning her friend to being away from her home, but Imra had just laughed at assured her that it was nice to be closer to home. She was already making plans to visit her parents in Kent, and Lena felt somewhat better with the knowledge that it wasn’t the same punishment or prison to Imra as it had felt like for her.

 

            There was one more thing she had to do before she left though, and on Saturday morning, she woke to the bitter greyness of the day and dressed in all black, Imra and Querl accompanying her to the rundown church on the same estate as Jack’s dad’s house, where he’d been raised. There were a few dozen people crowded inside, most of them his coworkers, as well as the football team he played for on the weekends, a smattering of family from both sides, and a few other friends. Lena stood towards the back, unable to bring herself to look at the bowed shoulders of his grieving father, or get close to the closed casket at the front of the church. Instead, she stood stiffly at the back, her face a blank mask as she tried to fight back the guilt that welled up inside. If it hadn’t been for her, they never would’ve been partnered up, he’d still be alive, and he would’ve still been cracking jokes and frequenting his favourite pub to play cards and drink a few pints. Instead, she stood there through the whole service, listening to the sniffles and sobs, and then watched as he was lowered into an earthy grave, right beside his mother. 

 

            She stayed a while afterwards, bundled up in her coat, her hands buried in her pockets as she stood in front of the mound of black dirt, the damp, earthy smell surrounding her as she hunched her shoulders to the frigid wind and the icy pricks of rain as a light drizzle swept through the city. Staring down at the muddy ground in front of her, reading the words carved into the slab of marble at the head of the grave, she fought back the urge to cry, anger building inside her as she blamed herself for this. A sadness weighed down her heart as she thought of Jack beneath the ground, his body cold and stiff, his warm brown eyes never to crease at the corners again, his lips never quick to curl up into another smile, his body disintegrating within the suit they’d buried him in. 

 

            “I’ll catch him,” she eventually said, resting a hand against the cold, wet stone, her face streaked with rain and a few tears, “for both of us.”

 

            Leaving without another glance backwards, she caught a taxi back to her apartment, sitting numbly in the back seat as bustling London carried on around her, unawares of the grief and pain she had locked away inside her. Mumbling a thank you to the driver, she climbed out and slowly plodded upstairs, barely able to make her leaden feet take another step, and managed to make it up to her apartment, her eyes gritty with tiredness and a chill seeping into her bones as she shivered in her wet funeral clothes.

 

            Letting herself in, she was nearly bowled over by Imra, who was heading out. After a quick questioning, Lena found that she was going to interrogate Otis Graves, hoping to coax some new information out of him that Lena and Jack had failed to get. At Lena’s blunt insistence, Imra quickly yielded and let her come with her, and the two of them climbed into the car lent to them by the London branch of the DEO. Relaxing in the passenger seat, Lena stared out of the window in a morose fashion and watched the streets flash by, the two women sitting in silence as Imra wound her way through the city, making for the off grid location where Otis was being kept.

 

            When they arrived there, they surrendered their guns, showed their badges and were scanned and admitted to the facility, escorted through the wide hallways and into a common room area. Lena was waved into a seat at the table and an agent made them cheap cups of coffee, and they sipped at them, Lena eavesdropping on Imra’s conversation with one of the agents as they brought Otis Graves up from his cell. Eventually he was brought up, and Lena scrambled to her feet as Imra made for the door, abandoning her coffee in her rush, and reached out to grab her friend’s arm and pull her around.

 

            “Let me see him,” she softly said, a blank look on her gaunt face.

 

            Imra gave her an uncertain look, taking in the empty look in her sunken eyes. “Lena, I-”

 

            “I just want to talk to him.”

 

            After a moment’s deliberation, she nodded and turned to walk down the hallway, the MI6 agents following after them. As they neared the interrogation room he’d been brought to for Imra and one of the other agents to talk to him in, Lena nodded at Imra, who gestured for the guard to unlock the door. Murmuring an assurance that she’d be fine, that she’d only be a few minutes, she stepped into the room and shut the door behind her.

 

            His presence was hulking in the small, sparsely furnished room, a smug look on his face as he leant forward on the table, dwarfing the chair he sat in. She felt anger boil inside her, and she stood just inside the doorway for a moment, staring at him as she tried to make her voice work. All she could think was that it was his sister that had killed her friend, and that she deserved to lose someone she loved too. They’d taken her gun from her though.

 

            “Mr Graves.”

 

            “Agent Luthor. Back for more questions. Where’s your shadow?”

 

            A spasm of pain ran across her face, and she watched as a slow smile spread across Otis’ face as he leant back, the chains on his cuffs rattling at the movement. Quickly composing herself, she clenched her teeth, a muscle jumping in her jaw as she fixed him with her iciest stare, drawing herself up and squaring her shoulders as she took a few hurried steps towards him.

 

            “Your sister killed him,” she hoarsely told him, “but you knew she was going to do that, didn’t you, you smug bastard.”

 

            He shrugged, giving her a sly smile as he spread his cuffed hands in a helpless gesture, “boss’ orders. Your brother is very particular.”

 

            She made a choked sound, feeling like she’d been punched in the stomach, and her face twisted as she gave him a sneer.  _ “Particular.” _

 

            “Wouldn’t want you to think that you’re safe now, would we?” he said, giving her a wink as he smiled. “He wanted to remind you who’s in charge here. You might think that you’re winning, but this is nothing more than a game of chess, and you’re losing.”

 

            “He’s not winning anything. He’s nothing but a spineless coward too afraid to come here and confront me himself.”

 

            “Well he’s  _ far _ too busy for that, isn’t he? He’s got to make sure that lovely blonde of yours is kept track of. Just in case you start getting a little too cocky with that badge of yours.”

 

            Lena felt a flurry of panic rise within her, which quickly turned into anger, and she curled her hands into fists as she gave him a stricken look, unable to keep her emotions under wraps. “What do you know about her?”

 

            A slow shrug rolled his shoulders, and he lounged in the chair as if he wasn’t cuffed at the wrists and ankles, wearing a prison uniform, and being held without bail on multiple charges that guaranteed him prison time. Letting out a heavy sigh, Otis grimaced, although there was an undercurrent of amusement to the vexed look, and Lena’s stomach lurched.

 

            “Well, between me and you, I’d give in now. Unless you’d like my sister to splatter your friend’s brains across you too. Although I can’t see why you’d care so much now when she’s got herself a new ma-”

 

            His head snapped to the side from the force of the unexpected punch, and Lena kept moving, even as he recovered, pushing the metal folding chair back and climbing to his feet. Her knuckles throbbed from the force of the punch, but she didn’t stop, not even as his hulking mass dwarfed her, her fist connecting with the underside of his jaw, splitting knuckles and ensuring bruises. Even as she did it, she knew it was a mistake, antagonising him like that, especially when he wasn’t chained to the table, and before she could hit him again, his meaty fist connected with the side of her face. A white hot pain lanced through her, momentarily blinding her as she gasped, feeling numb as she staggered, her hand fumbling for the wall. 

 

            Putting her back to it, she blinked, trying to rid herself of the black spots dancing before her, and fiery pain lanced across her cheek as he struck her with the metal of his cuffs. Her lip was split, and she tasted blood as she coughed, left eye streaming, even as it rapidly swelled, and she scowled up at him as well as she could, even as his large hands wrapped around her neck. Feet scrabbling for purchase on the floor, she spat a mouthful of blood and saliva in his face.

 

            “I swear to God, you piece of shit,” she choked out, her windpipe closing beneath his strong fingers, “if he hurts her … I’ll kill you myself.”

 

            Shouts rang in her ears, and a moment later he was being pulled of her, the thud of police batons cracking against his body as he was forcibly pulled off her, and Lena sank to the floor, crouching on all fours as she wheezed. A warm hand rested of her shoulder, and she was aware of Imra kneeling in front of her as dragged in lungfuls of air, blood dribbling from her lips as her eyes streamed. Gentle hands dragged her to her feet, and she swayed off balance, blinking owlishly with one eye as the other swelled, her whole body shaking with adrenaline as she tried to focus on her friend.

 

            The sounds of Imra’s words had a tinny quality to them, and she felt like she was swimming underwater as she was led out of the interrogation room, a restrained Otis Graves staring at her, his eyes burning into her back. Led through the sterile building, Imra supporting her as she tried not to wince with pain, she was dragged into a common area, sat down on a sofa, and sagged back against the worn cushions as an MI6 agent rummaged around beneath the sink for a first aid kit. She didn’t so much as flinch as Imra sat beside her, her gentle fingers turning her head this way and that, dabbing at a stinging cut on her cheek, wiping her mouth and streaming eye, and Lena swallowed her apologies. Of course they would’ve been watching her in there, listening too no doubt, from behind the two-way mirror, or even a camera room, and Imra must’ve rushed to get to her the moment she’d thrown the first punch. Lena had let him get in her head, her fears for Kara’s safety rising to the surface at the mere insinuation of Lex hurting her, and she’d lost her temper. 

 

            “I think it’s best if you get on the earliest flight possible this evening,” Imra said, a wry smile on her lips as she looked up at Lena, pausing as she dabbed at her split and bruised knuckles. Her words were light, but she could tell that her friend was angry at her recklessness. “Before you get yourself arrested for unlawful misconduct.”

 

            “You’re probably right,” Lena mumbled. "I'm sorry."  


 

            Imra snorted, shaking her dark hair as she bent over her work, covering the fragile bones with gauze tape and giving Lena’s slender fingers a gentle squeeze. “Kara will be fine.”

 

            Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lena blinked back the stinging in her eyes, insisting to herself that it was just the pain of the swollen eye, even though she’d already knocked back a few painkillers and couldn’t feel much of it. “What if I put her in danger by going back?”

 

            “It looks like his reach is far. Distance won’t change anything.”

 

            Nodding, she ducked her head down, fear instilled within her, even though the thought of finally going home made her weak with relief. Imra was right; if Lex wanted to hurt Kara, he’d do it, and distance wouldn’t matter, whether Lena was in National City with her, or Kara moved to London instead. He had his people everywhere, and he was already keeping tabs on her back home, so Lena being back there with her would only serve to keep her safe in the long run. 

 

            As soon as she’d been patched up and Imra rescheduled another time to talk to Otis, they left, reclaiming their guns and making their way out to their parked car. On the ride home, Lena searched for flights and booked the next departing one she’d be able to make on time. As soon as she reached the apartment, she gathered together the remainder of her unpacked things and threw them into her case, not even bothering to fold them or put them away properly. She could hear Querl and Imra talking quietly together as she readied herself, making sure she had her passport, had left behind her set of keys for Imra, had packed up all of Laurel’s things properly, and then there was nothing left for her to do. 

 

            Taking a few more pills to numb the pain of her face and hand, she left her holstered gun on the counter and gave Querl a thin smile. At Imra’s insistence, she agreed to let her take her to the airport, and within the next hour, Lena was letting Querl lug her suitcase downstairs and hugged him goodbye. She could’ve cried as they pulled away from the place that had been her home for months, and never would be again, so overcome with relief that she could close this chapter of her life that she couldn’t stop the air from rushing out of her lungs as she slumped in the front seat of the car. So many things had changed since she’d first left for London, and so much had stayed the same, and the thought of home was everything to her as the grey city faded behind her and she took another step closer to Kara. 

 

            Saying goodbye to her friend at the departure gate, Lena boarded her flight alone, ignoring the stares of the staff as they looked at her bruised face and down at the pristine beauty of her passport photo. It was relief once she was on the plane, comfortable in the wide First Class seat, knocking back the champagne handed to her, sitting in her funeral clothes as she travelled back to the States and back towards trouble. She knew fully well that she was going back to her brother’s games, and knew that it wasn’t over yet, she hadn’t won, but at least she knew that he wasn’t pulling his punches anymore. It was just a waiting game now, knowing that it was inevitable that he’d come for her. Perhaps he’d try nicely again first, bribing her back to his side with the promise of everything she could ever want for herself and her daughter, the promise of not touching a hair on Kara’s head, of letting Lena have a more hands on position in his mob. She’d turn him down, of course, knowing that the life he could give Laurel wasn’t a life she wanted for her daughter, with the threat of him looming over her at every possible moment in that cursed house. He’d be angry after that, and he’d show it. Perhaps he’d go after Kara first, or test the waters and hurt Alex, or Winn, or Sam. It made Lena sick just to think about any of them getting hurt, and she spent the rest of the flight tensed with unease.

 

            Landing without any fuss, making a quick trip through security and answering a few questions about her face, before she tearily explained she’d just been to a funeral, flashed her badge and was let through to reclaim her bags. She hadn’t told anyone she was coming home early, or that she’d even got on the plane, so no one was waiting for her, and she climbed on a shuttle bus heading into the city, handing over a wad of cash and letting the owner stow her case in the u-haul attached to the back. The address she gave was for Sam’s house, and she sat with the four other passengers and checked her emails on her phone as the city raced towards her.

 

            It was five o’clock in the afternoon, the sky still completely light due to the mild California weather, even this late in the year, and she knew that Sam would have Laurel in bed already by the time she reached her house, but she wanted to go there and see her daughter anyway. It had already been the longest they’d ever been away from each other since the day she was born, and Lena missed her with every bit of her, anxious to make sure that she was okay, that she’d been fine without her, that she hadn’t been a burden to Sam. The sight of the suburban house coming into sight, the van coming to a stop outside as the engine shuddered, was a welcome one, and Lena climbed out to reclaim her case off the driver, thanking the man and giving him a small smile.

 

            The door opened as she wheeled her case up the driveway, the wheels rattling on the cement, and Sam greeted her with surprise, mostly due to her face, Lena assumed. “You’re back! I didn’t know you were home today, I thought it was tomorrow.”

 

            Smiling, Lena let go of her case and opened her arms, wrapping her friend in a hug as she softly chuckled. “It was, but it was agreed that I might be a little too impulsive and do something I’d regret before I made it onto the plane.”

 

            Pulling back, Sam tutted, reaching out to tilt Lena’s head up so she could see the bruises properly. “God, there’s never a dull moment with you, is there?”

 

            “I try,” Lena dryly replied, giving her a wry smile as she grabbed her case.

 

            Following Sam inside, trying to be quiet as she left her suitcase in the hallway and shut the door, she followed her friend through to the kitchen. Ruby was sitting on the sofa and leapt up to give her a hug, and Lena commented on how tall she was getting and told the girl that she’d taken up boxing when she was asked about her face. She crept upstairs to the spare room that Laurel was sleeping in, poking her head in and quietly making her way over to the bed to pull the blankets up to her daughter’s chin, before making her way downstairs.

 

            Sam had coffee on and was rummaging through the fridge, asking Lena if she was hungry when she came back down. Although she hadn’t eaten at all that day, not even on the plane, even though she’d knocked back a few glasses of champagne, she wasn’t hungry. She was just tired, mostly, and she was contented with a cup of coffee and curling up on her friend’s sofa, both of them jumping straight into their usual gossiping as they caught up with each other. Lena knew that Kara had work at midnight, and was probably napping beforehand, and so she relaxed on the sofa, happy to spend the rest of the evening chatting away with Sam as they caught up on all the things they’d missed in each other’s lives.

 

            They talked for what felt like hours, about everything and anything, although a few topics were avoided, even noticeably so, but Lena was glad that she didn’t have to talk about what had gone in London. Obviously Kara would’ve told everyone, especially after showing up with Laurel in tow and no Lena following behind, but the way that Sam tiptoed around her made it clear enough that she was treating her like she was fragile, breakable and delicate in her grief. For her part, Lena was animated as she chatted away, laughing and smiling with frequent ease, finding herself relaxing back into the feeling of being home with people she knew, people she shared a past with, and aside from the hollow eyed and slightly gaunt look about her that even Kara’s comforting presence and forced meals couldn’t fix, she was exactly the same Lena as always. Except for the fact that she had a secret locked away in her heart. 

 

            “You- you haven’t spoken to Kara yet, have you?” Sam hesitantly asked, almost as if sensing her thoughts.

 

            Shaking her head, Lena let out a sigh as her body slumped, a slight smile curling her lips. “No. I spoke to her before the funeral, but I wanted to come straight here and check up on Ducky. Why?”

 

            Pressing her lips together in a thin line, Sam stared at Lena’s coffee cup, her brow furrowing with concern, “it’s nothing. Just … well, I know that she’s been worried about you, and how different things might be, now that you’re back for good this time. I know that things were a little off when you came back last time.”

 

            Grimacing, Lena shrugged slightly, “I’ll readjust. I’m just glad to be home, even if it’s because- well, with everything that happened … it’ll all work itself out. It’ll be like I never left.”

 

            “Right,” Sam said, giving her a warm smile as she reached over to squeeze her knee. “Maybe leave Laurel here for the night though. Your face …”

 

            Reaching up to gingerly probe the black eye and bruised cheekbone, Lena winced. “Yeah, I should probably cover it up before I see her. Are you sure it’s okay though? I know you have work-”

 

            Waving a hand dismissively, Sam gave her a small smile, “of course it’s okay. Just go home, talk to Kara, have a bath and settle in. Maybe have a nap; you look exhausted.”

 

            “Mm, I haven’t been sleeping much,” Lena murmured, giving Sam a tight smile. 

 

            She lingered a little while longer, watching the sun sink low on the horizon, the shadows lengthening as the sky turned the same colour purple as Lena’s bruised face. Creeping upstairs to kiss her daughter on the forehead, making sure she was tucked in with her duck teddy, Lena thanked Sam, left her suitcase behind and caught a bus into the city. It was a long, rattling ride, each bump making her teeth chatter, sly glances cast her wat at the state of her, but she paid them no mind as she looked out at the city, watching the shops close up for the day, the bistros draw in the dinner crowd, while nightclubs opened their doors and the smells of dozens of takeaway stores rushed in with the cold air whenever someone climbed on or off the bus. 

 

            The nervous feeling inside her grew with every stop, with every mile, and she found herself biting back a smile at the thought of seeing Kara again. It had only been a couple of days since she’d brought Laurel back with her, giving Lena the time to sort herself out and tie up loose ends in London, but it felt like forever since she’d seen her. Lena hadn’t even had time to tell her about her face, and wondered how Kara would react to the skin mottled with bruises, a clear sign that she’d done something stupid in the short while she’d been left alone. Her patience growing thin as anticipation of seeing her friend again rose, Lena had to consciously stop herself from jiggling her leg, watching familiar streets and blocks rush past her. 

 

            Eventually she reached the nearest stop to their apartment, thanking the driver as she climbed off, hugging her arms over her chest as she hunched her shoulders to the bitter wind, a smattering of light rain falling down on around her as she walked down a side street and crossed the road. Pausing outside, rain speckling her face, she looked up at the towering building, a soft smile curling her lips as she felt her hunched shoulders slump at the thought of home. After seven months, she was home. Finally, home for good. Walking towards the welcoming yellow light beckoning her from the lobby, she let herself in, and the security guard nodded to her, his eyes going wide as he took in the mess of her face, and she gave him a wide smile in return, brimming with excitement as she walked over to the elevator. 

 

            The ride upstairs was agonisingly slow, and Lena worried at her bottom lip with her teeth, only stopping at the faint hint of blood and the fear that she might open up the scab on her swollen lip. Eventually the elevator came to a slow, shuddering halt, and the doors parted to reveal the familiar hallway, the smell of wood polish and cool air washing over her as she stepped out, making straight for the wonderful sight of her front door. Fishing out her keys, she smiled to herself as she fit it in the lock, turning it as relief washed over her and she stepped into the brightly lit apartment. The sound of hurried footsteps came from the living room, and her whole body relaxed as Kara poked her head out of the room, a confused frown creasing her brow, before it quickly rose into a look of surprise.

 

            “You’re home! Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I would’ve come and got you- oh my  _ God. _ What happened to your face?!”

 

            Lena let out a weak laugh, her insides clenching at the happiness and worry in Kara’s voice as she leapt from emotion to emotion, rushing over to her with an appalled look on her face. “It’s nothing. Just … a stupid mistake.”

 

            “Does it hurt? Here, come and sit down. I’ll make some coffee and get my kit out. It looks sore.”

 

            Shedding her coat, Lena walked over to the bar stool at the island counters, hoisting herself up onto one and giving Kara a weary smile as she watched her friend move over to the percolator and set about putting on a fresh pot. The rich, earthy smell of the beans filled the apartment with its aroma and she propped her head up in her hand as she sleepily listened to the sounds of Kara moving about the apartment, a wave of comforting exhaustion washing over her as she settled in back home. 

 

            With a breathless smile, Kara reappeared, lugging her heavy first aid kit with her, and set it on the counters, unzipping it and rummaging around in it. As she sat there with half-lidded eyes, waiting patiently as she watched Kara rifled through the medical equipment, Lena caught a flash of something and blinked, bringing herself back to the moment as she straightened up. Her heart leapt into her throat as her stomach plummeted, a leaden feeling of coldness stirring within her as she stared at Kara’s left hand. At the ring finger on her left hand, and the new diamond ring that decorated it, winking in the yellow light of the apartment. 

 

            Quickly reaching out, Lena grabbed her left hand in her own, and Kara’s head whipped around at the sudden contact, her eyes widening as she took in the stunned look on Lena’s face as she stared at the ring. Snatching her hand back, a guilty look appearing on her face, Kara gave her a pleading look, her mouth opening as she tried to scramble for an excuse.

 

            Lena got their first, her voice hoarse as she gave Kara an aghast look. “You’re  _ marrying _ him?!”

 

            “I can explain-”

 

            “You’re marrying  _ him?” _

 

            “I was going to tell you-”

 

            Scoffing, Lena gave her a wounded look, trying not to let it show as she clenched her jaw and raised her chin in a haughty manner, fighting back the nauseous feeling inside. “When?”

 

            Pressing her lips together in a thin line, Kara stared down at her hands, the first aid kit forgotten about as she wrapped the fingers of her right hand around her left hand, hiding the ring from sight. “When you got back-”

 

            “No, when did he ask?”

 

            “When I got back. After everything that happened with- well, life’s too short.”

 

            Nodding, Lena sat there for a moment, feeling numb as her heart slammed its walls back into place and she felt a coldness creep over her. The lines of her face were hard, and she couldn’t bring herself to meet Kara’s pleading eyes, couldn’t help the feeling of betrayal that welled up inside, the heartbroken devastation that cut deeply into her, although she’d known that she was coming back to the woman she loved with the knowledge that she was with someone else. It almost seemed as if now there was no coming back from it. Perhaps before she might’ve had a chance, but engaged … that was an entirely different kind of commitment, and Lena was filled with bitter regret as she sat there.

 

            “Right, well, that’s that then.”

 

            Sliding off the stool, she walked over to the door in a hurry, forgetting her coat, taking nothing but the contents of her pockets - her phone, her keys, her bank card - and yanked it open, ignoring Kara’s spluttered protests behind her as she asked her where she was going. Blinking back tears, and trying to pass it off on the fact that she was tired and her face hurt, rather than the fact that her heart had just unknowingly been ripped out of her chest in such a careless manner that Kara didn’t even know how much it hurt, Lena rushed towards the elevator doors, ignoring the sound of her name being called behind her, and the sound of the door slamming shut, as she stepped inside. Before Kara reached the elevator, frantically hurrying to stop her, blue eyes wide and glassy with tears, the doors slid shut and blocked her from Lena’s line of sight. With a jolt, she dropped, her bottom lip trembling as she blinked rapidly, her hands balled into fists, the skin over her split knuckles stretching in a painful way as it pulled at the scabs. 

 

            Breathing slowly, hugging herself as if trying to keep it together, she made her way down to the lobby with the reeling knowledge that Sam knew. She’d known and she’d let her come back to the apartment oblivious, insisting that she leave Laurel there with her, because she somehow knew that Lena wouldn’t take the news well. Bitter anger rose within her as she hit the ground floor, the doors parting, and stepping out into the lobby, breezing past the security guard and out into the biting cold evening. The rain was coming down harder now, and an involuntary shiver ran through her as large droplets pelted her back, soaking into her dark hair. Sucking in a lungful of clean, damp air, she stood on the edge of the sidewalk, facing the road as she watched the city lights reflect off the wet street. 

 

            Letting out a choked sound, she stood there for a few moments, unsure of what to do next. It wasn’t like she had anywhere else to go, but she couldn’t face Kara at that moment, or she’d end up ruining everything. Saying something stupid that she couldn’t take back, and would regret in the morning. The sound of the door opening behind her, and footsteps slapping against the wet pavement made her tense up though, her eyes shut as rain ran down her bruised face. She didn’t have to turn around to know that it was Kara. She just knew that it was.

 

            “Lena.”

 

            Her voice was so soft, trembling slightly with the effort of holding back tears, and Lena felt the fight rush out of her at the sound of her name falling from Kara’s lips. Slowly turning, she put her back to the road, facing her friend in the pouring rain, taking in the face plunged into shadows by the warm light behind her creating a silhouette, and Kara’s bare feet on the filthy sidewalk. “Go back inside, Kara.”

 

            “Where are you  _ going?” _

 

            Shrugging vaguely, Lena swallowed the lump in her throat.

 

            “Look, I’m sorry,” Kara said, taking a step forward, “I just- I didn’t want to tell you over the phone. You’ve been going through a rough time and-”

 

            “Don’t blame this on Jack,” Lena sharply warned her, a spike of anger rushing through her.

 

            “I’m not, I just- I thought it’d be better face to face.”

 

            “Right.”

 

            Biting back her frustration, Kara made a sound of annoyance at the back of her throat, throwing her hands up in vexation. “Why does it matter anyway? Why are you being weird about it? Most people are happy for their friend when they get engaged.”

 

            Choking on a hysterical laugh, Lena smiled, softly shaking her head as she stared at her friend. “I’m supposed to be  _ happy _ that you’re going to marry someone you’ve been dating for all of five months? You don’t even  _ know _ him.”

 

            “Okay miss psychology expert,” Kara scornfully replied, “you know, you don’t know everything. Not about me,  _ or _ my relationship. And I’m old enough to make my own decisions.”

 

_             “Are _ you? Because at the start of the year, you were in love with  _ me. _ You left him, for  _ me.” _

 

            Spluttering, Kara angrily crossed her arms over her chest, and Lena could envision the blush that would be creeping into her cheeks, hidden by the darkness of night. “Well that’s just- that’s beside the point. And you made yourself  _ very _ clear about that.”

 

            “Right,” Lena mumbled.

 

            Sighing, Kara ran a hand through her quickly dampening hair, looking antsy as they stood half a dozen feet from each other, bickering about her relationship. Regret welled up inside Lena, and she was tired, cold, and wet, wanting nothing more than a bath and bed. Her homecoming was far from what she’d expected, but then again, most things didn’t go the way she’d planned them in her head, and she was overcome with another wave of frustration, washing away the weariness and reaffirming her irritation. Surely her feelings were justified; Kara hadn’t told her about such an important thing, especially after knowing how much it had irked Lena when she hadn’t told her that she’d started dating Mike. Kara might’ve thought that she was protecting her because of how things had ended with Jack, but it didn’t feel that way to Lena. It felt like a convenient excuse so that she could avoid this confrontation for as long as possible.

 

            “Look, I know you’re going through a really rough time. I get that, I do-”

 

            “Oh, don’t be so condescending,” Lena snapped, “this has nothing to do with what happened in London.”

 

            “Then what?” Kara exclaimed, giving her an urgent look, confusion flitting across her features as she tried to understand. “What is it? What’s your problem?!”

 

            As she shouted, Lena squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the words build inside her, growing bigger as Kara hurled questions at her.  _ I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you. _ She could feel it bubbling up, the words bumping around inside her, threatening to pour over and spill out of her, not matter how hard she tried to bottle them up. They’d been trapped inside for weeks now, suppressed and safely stamped down, but as Kara went on a tirade about how she was acting differently, how she should’ve been happy for her, how it was okay for her to grieve and how Kara understood that, Lena felt rankled by the words. WIth each patronising word, she felt the anger inside her burn hotter, and she had to stop herself from protesting each false statement, until she just wanted Kara to stop talking. So much so, that the words came pouring out of her before she could even stop them, loud and nearly hysterical as she shouted them, her voice cracking slightly.

 

_             “I’m in love with you!” _

 

            Stumbling in the middle of her rant, Kara was left floundering for a moment, her mouth opening and closing as she found herself at a loss for words, much to Lena’s intense relief, and then sheer horror. Eyes widening, she felt her mouth go dry, her tongue feeling thick and clumsy, her throat closing up with terror, and she watched as Kara struggled to absorb the stubborn outburst. Standing there in silence, watching as confusion, surprise and anger ran across her friend’s face, Lena could hear her heart pounding loudly in her chest, the anticipation of Kara’s reaction growing with each lengthening moment.

 

            Eventually, Kara shook her head, slowly at first, and then firmly, her lips pressed in a hard line as her brow pulled together in a frown. “No. No, you aren’t. You told me so yourself.”

 

            “I am,” Lena desperately replied, her voice small and pathetic as tears sprang to her eyes, and she could feel herself slowly starting to fall apart, all of her hard work coming undone as she unraveled.

 

            “No. No, no, no. You’re not allowed to do this now. I won’t  _ let _ you. You can’t just come back and make everything about you again.”

 

_             “Excuse me?”  _ Lena spluttered, her eyebrows rising in surprise at the sharp turn the conversation had taken again.

 

            Letting out a huff of frustration, Kara balled her hands into fists, her anger plain in her voice and on her face. “This is what you do! Everything is about you. About your shitty family, and your sad childhood, and  _ your _ daughter, and the rest of us just have to revolve our lives around what’s convenient for you. You want to fuck off to London and say it’s to protect us, while we’re stuck here  _ with _ your brother, while you’re playing happy families with your new English boyfriend, and we’re supposed to put our lives on hold until you get back? You really can’t let me have this  _ one _ thing! What is it, are you jealous or something? Are you jealous that I’m actually happy with someone, and you won’t  _ let _ yourself be that? That you’re all alone, stuck with a kid, and everything you have is because of me? You need me so badly that you’ll pretend to be in love with me, just so I won’t leave you, like everyone else in your life?”

 

            Spluttering, Lena gave her an aghast look, blanching as the angry words came spilling out of Kara. She couldn’t help but wonder how long they’d been brewing inside her, how long she’d bottled them up inside, just waiting to explode and let out her resentment for the fact that Lena had baggage. Devastation ripped through her, and she felt the air race out of her lungs at the feeling as if she’d been kicked in the stomach. This whole time, she’d been desperately trying to get back to National City, and here was Kara, telling her how much of an inconvenience she was to have around. How pathetic her life was as a single mother, with everything hinging on her friendship with Kara, and her heart ached unimaginaly as the harsh words burrowed their way inside of her. Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lena’s split lips curved up into a bitter smile, her eyes glassy with tears.

 

            “I never  _ needed _ you. I  _ wanted _ to be here with you.”

 

            “Bullshit,” Kara said, her voice cracking as it trembled slightly, “you never even noticed me. You never saw me.”

 

            “I see you just fine right now.”

 

            Before Kara could even form a retort, Lena stepped out into the street, hurrying as headlights lit her up, holding up a hand in apology as a car honked and she jogged the last few steps across the road. Shadows swallowed her up as tears pricked her eyes, and she couldn’t bring herself to look back, to see if Kara was still standing outside, barefoot as rain soaked into the sweater she was wearing, staring after her. She wasn’t sure if she was more scared that she  _ wouldn’t _ be. Wiping her cheeks as her tears spilled over, she angrily walked through the rain, shivering as she hugged herself and set off in search of something, anything to distract herself. 

 

            After block after block of walking, until she was sure she was going to have blisters in the morning, she ducked into the nearest bar in search of warmth and a stiff drink. Completely drenched, her hair plastered to her face and her eyes red from crying, she stepped into the dingy place and made her way over to the bar as heat washed over her. Climbing onto the cracked leather stool, she ordered a double whisky and knocked it back, rapping her knuckles on the bar for another as she choked on a sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't hate me, I'm gonna fix it


	26. Chapter 26

            She’d stayed at the dingy bar until her stomach was filled with the fiery warmth of the whisky, knocking back six doubles, one after the other as she stared down at the grimy wooden bartop, until the bartender had refused to serve her anymore and she’d been gently turned out into the night. It was pitch black by that point, rain splashing off the sidewalk and her legs trembled beneath her weight as she ducked into the alleyway beside the building fell back against the exposed brick, tilting her head up to the rain and letting it wash over her face, running down her face in rivulets as her breath misted slightly before her. Breathing in the cool air, she closed her eyes and listened to the sound of drunk people shouting as they spilled out of bars and clubs, and her own heart pounding loudly in her chest. 

 

            It was a little while before midnight, and she hadn’t had anywhere else to go. All of her friends would be asleep, her daughter was tucked up safely in bed at Sam’s house, and the only person she wanted to see had just hurled every one of her insecurities in her face and tore her heart to shreds. Nausea twisted her stomach, and she turned, bracing herself against the wet wall and vomited against the base of the wall. Bile burned its way up her throat, and she coughed as she wiped her mouth with a shaky hand. What she really needed was another drink, and seeing as she wasn’t likely to get served anywhere else, not soaking wet, unkempt and reeking of liquor and vomit, she’d have to find someone to get it from. She was angry too, and she wanted to vent that anger.

 

            There was one place she knew she could get alcohol and an outlet for that anger, and pushing off the dirty wall of the bar, she lurched out into the street and set off on an ambling path through the city. She knew the address, and the area of the city the hotel was in, but it was still some sort of miracle when she found herself standing outside the front doors of the hotel, yellow light spilling out of the lobby as she swayed slightly on her feet. It had stopped raining halfway to the hotel, and the brisk air had sobered her up slightly, or at least enough to think through the fog that clouded her mind, and she took a deep breath outside and walked in.

 

            The lobby was mostly empty, but she noticed a few guards around and made her way towards the elevator. Ducking her head down to look less recognisable, she slipped past the man in the black suit standing near the doors and walked in after an older couple, waiting for them to swipe their room key before she pressed the floor for the penthouse. They stood to one side as they ascended, and Lena could feel their eyes on her, taking in her appearance with disdain. It was a nice hotel, one of the best in the city, and the people who usually stayed there were a little more upper class than Lena looked in that moment. She was antsy, shivering from the cold and smelling of alcohol, and she was glad when they reached the couple’s floor, halfway up.

 

            Ascending the rest of the way in peace, she stared at her bedraggled appearance in the mirror, taking in the sunken eyes, the hair plastered to her scalp, and the glassy look and rosy cheeks that alcohol had given her. She was a mess, even more so than she’d been after Jack had been shot, or so it felt, and she scowled as she reached the penthouse, anger brewing inside her as she thought about the welcome she’d get.

 

            There were more agents outside the door, one on either side, and one of them started towards her, a hand resting on the sidearm at her waist. Giving her a trembling smile, Lena pulled her badge out and flashed it, wiping a hand over her face as she tried to muster the confidence to bluff her way past the guards. The badge should’ve been enough - she was a fellow agent, and they both knew her, upon realisation that it  _ was _ her - but there had been no advance warning of her showing up there, so they might’ve been a little bit wary, especially given the lateness of the hour. The woman shared a look with the man behind her, and Lena quickly assured them she just wanted to talk. After all, she did have the clearance for it, and she’d spent hours interrogating her mother over the phone, so face to face would make no difference. They’d be listening anyway.

 

            Even if she wasn’t  _ actually _ there to ask questions pertaining to their case, there was nothing that barred her from visiting Lillian, and she knew that her mother would be living in luxury up there. She’d have alcohol, and she would surely spike Lena’s anger and give her the opportunity to lash out at someone. Eventually, the woman nodded, and the man opened the door. Giving them a grateful smile, Lena walked past them and stepped into the airy apartment. It was decorated in soft shades of cream and beige, the place a sprawling mass of marble floors and worktops, honey coloured wood and velvet and leather upholstery throughout. If one had to be under witness protection and house arrest, it was an extravagant way to do it, and she wasn’t the least bit surprised when Lillian walked out of a doorway in a cream silk robe with a martini in hand, despite the lateness of the hour.

 

            They’d stared at each other for a moment before her mother had commented on her disheveled appearance and her bruised face, and when Lena let out a slightly hysterical laugh, Lillian had asked her if she was drunk. Lena had asked for a drink. Soon enough, she found herself sitting on the velvet upholstery of a gilt loveseat, her damp clothes seeping into the fabric as she ran her fingers over it, and Lillian had come back with a tumbler and a decanter of bourbon and poured her a drink.

 

            “Here, have another,” Lillian said, refilling her glass and eyeing her daughter, before taking a seat on a leather wingback armchair, her legs crossed and a regal air about her as she swirled the olives around in the glass. 

 

            Picking up the glass, Lena sipped at it, savouring the burning taste of the liquor, her eyelids struggling to remain open as she let herself relax in her mother’s presence. She didn’t feel any better, but she didn’t have to pretend that she wasn’t a mess, and in its own way, that  _ did _ make her feel better. She could be the disappointment she’d always been and let her mother judge her, while she had a few more drinks and tried to kill the pain inside. Both of them would get some satisfaction out of the exchange, so what harm could it do?

 

            Noticing Lillian watching her closely, Lena met her stare and arched an eyebrow in question, “what?”

 

            “You always did like to drink away all your problems. Even when you were fourteen.”

 

            Lena let out a snort of laughter as she lounged on the sofa, her clothes damp from the rain and rumpled from being worn for nearly two days straight. She drained the glass of bourbon in her hand and set it down on the glass coffee table, watching it slide across the surface. Her thoughts were foggy, and a lopsided smile curled one side of her mouth as she brushed curling strands of damp hair out of her face. 

 

            “Well I blame you for that, so cheers, I guess.”

 

            She drained her glass as Lillian let out a splutter of surprise,  _ “me?” _

 

            “Yes,  _ you,” _ Lena replied in a clipped tone. “You made me what I am. You and dad. Everything  _ wrong _ with me is because of you.”

 

            “That’s a lot of blame to put on someone. I didn’t force you to do anything. You did what you pleased, and I gave you everything you wanted.”

 

            Letting out a strained laugh, Lena cupped the glass in her hands, a bitter smile curling her lips as she clenched her teeth. “Yeah, well, there are things you can’t buy. You never loved me, not really, and you certainly didn’t show it if you did.”

 

            Scoffing, Lillian waved away her words with a dismissive roll of her eyes. “Of course I  _ do. _ Not as much as your brother, that much is true, but I raised you as my own daughter when your entire existence was nothing more than an embarrassment to me. Most people would be grateful for that.”

 

_             “Grateful?  _ You expect me to be  _ grateful? _ For what exactly. For letting my father twist me into something  _ bad _ , for never showing me what love really is, for all the horrible things I had to see him do to people? To Lex? You just- you let us stay there, with  _ that.  _ If you loved us, you would’ve left him and taken us with you.”

 

            “You think your father would’ve let me just  _ go?  _ That he’d let me take you with me? You don’t realise how lucky you were. You were his favourite. He never turned his anger onto you; it was always Lex, or me. I never  _ let _ him get angry around you. You have  _ no idea _ the number of times I sent you away, locked you in your room or made him angry just so that he could take it out on me instead of you or your brother.  _ No idea.” _

 

            Lillian sat stiffly in her chair, her face hard and cold as she gave her daughter a frosty look, and Lena felt a lump form in her throat as her mouth went dry. Of course she knew. She’d seen the bruises on her mother’s wrists, the faint blemishes beneath her makeup the morning after her father had come home drunk and she’d been sent to her room without dinner and listened to the shouts and the thuds and sounds of smashing glasses and china from her bedroom. She’d lay there all night with the lamp on, too afraid to sleep because she wouldn’t know what would happen while she was asleep. 

 

            There had been the nights she’d slept with the lights off though, her mother insisting that she was too old to be afraid of the dark, when her father would burst in and drag her out of bed, haul her down the bright hallways of their sprawling house in her pyjamas, force her to watch as his men beat up the thugs tied to chairs in the basement, their skin splitting and puffing up, blood staining the floor as they gave her gap toothed smiles, teeth having been knocked out by a heavy handed blow. Lillian had never been able to keep her from Lionel’s violence, even if it rarely physically touched her. She’d spent her childhood watching her brother withdraw from her, from the kind boy he’d been when she’d first come to live with them, and into the monster he was now. Her mother hadn’t been able to protect her from him either. 

 

            “Then why didn’t you leave?!”

 

            “I never had a choice,” Lillian snapped, “I watched him kill a man he’d been friends with since he was a child, all because he suspected him of stealing from him. Do you think I would’ve been safe because I was his wife? He didn’t care about me. I stayed with him out of loyalty. That’s what love is. It’s loyalty and sacrifice, and putting your family first. You had everything you could have ever wanted,  _ because _ I stayed. Do you think you could’ve gotten knocked up and run away from home with millions of dollars worth of jewelry if you’d been anyone else? Everything you have, even now, is because of  _ me.” _

 

            “Then everything I don’t have is because of you too. Because I’m so broken that I can’t- I don’t even know  _ how _ to love someone, and I don’t know how to be a mother, or- or a good person. And I don’t want to go back to Lex, I don’t want to be that person that I was, but there’s nowhere else for me to go, because I’m not  _ good _ . I belong with him, with you, with dad. We’re all as bad as each other.”

 

            Cocking her head to the side, Lillian narrowed her green eyes slightly, a suspicious look on her face as she took a sip of her martini and eyed her daughter over the rim of the glass. “What happened?”

 

            “Nothing,” Lena said, a laugh bubbling up inside as she felt her eyes prickle. “I just realised that I don’t deserve anything good.”

 

            “Is it that Englishman? The one your brother had killed? Did you love him?”

 

            Wiping at her eyes, Lena shook her head, drawing in a shuddering breath, before she exhaled sharply, the air rushing from lungs as she deflated, her grip fumbling on the glass as it tumbled to the floor and smashed, a thousand pieces skittering across the marble. She couldn’t even bring herself to care, watching the light reflect off the shards of glass as a few drops of bourbon soaked into the Persian rug. Leaning back, she sank into a decorative pillow and let her head tip back, exposing her pale throat as she breathed slowly for a moment, eyes closed and mind sluggishly trundling along as she tried to keep her composure. The anger was still there, smoldering slowly deep inside her stomach, but she was tired. Tired and confused, hurt and heartbroken, and she didn’t know what to do. 

 

            “It’s that girl, isn’t it? The paramedic?”

 

            She surprised them both by bursting into tears at her mother’s words, suddenly curling in on herself, hunching her shoulders as she pressed the heels of her hands into her eye sockets and shook with silent sobs. Lillian didn’t so much as move, watching her cry with interest, having so rarely seen her daughter cry, even as a child, and Lena grit her teeth as she dragged in a breath, trying to calm herself down, even as her mixed emotions whirled around inside her, toying with her fragile mind in its drunken state. 

 

            “What, you love  _ her?”  _ Lillian concluded, scoffing as she set her drink down and gave Lena an appraising look. Smoothing a hand over the silk robe, she tutted as Lena’s breath hitched on a sob and she wiped at her pink cheeks, feeling embarrassed at the fact that she was crying in front of her mother, of all people. “Then you shouldn’t concern yourself with your feelings. You’re still young; it’s nothing more than an infatuation. Besides, she’s not good enough for you, even if you think that she is. You’re just desperate for some attention - you always have been. You’ll get over it as soon as she shows some interest in you, don’t worry.”

 

            Anger boiling within her, Lena climbed to her feet, her face flushed red as she balled her hands into fists, “you don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know  _ how _ to love someone. You’re just- you’re cold, and unfeeling. I feel  _ sorry _ for you; you think that loyalty passes for love, but you’re wrong. I want more than that for myself.”

 

            Quietly chuckling to herself, Lillian shrugged offhandedly and gave her a contemptuous look, “then you should’ve been born into a different family. He’ll only let you have as much as he wants you to have. The only reason he hasn’t dragged you back home yet is because he knows you’ll still fight him on it. When he breaks you … you’ll be too damaged to even resist. Then we’ll see how easy it is to leave, when he has your daughter beside him, grooming her to take over, making her watch all those vile things, while you know that if you lift a finger against him, he’ll hurt her first. Believe me, I went through that myself. He’s exactly like his father.”

 

            “And I’m like you?” Lena laughed, swaying unsteadily on her feet as she gave Lillian a scornful look, “if this is all there is for me, I’d rather let him kill me first.”

 

            She swept past her mother, pausing as Lillian started talking, her back stiffening as she listened to the voice behind her. “There’s only two ways this ends, Lena. I know. I made my decision; can you live with yours?”

 

            Not deigning to reply, she stalked out of the apartment, nodding to the agents as she mumbled a goodnight their way, and made her way down to the lobby. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy in the elevator mirrors, and her appearance was even more so disheveled than it had been when she’d made her way up to the apartment, and she didn’t even feel any better. Drunker? Yes, but her frustration was straining to break free as it simmered just below the surface, and her heartache was only stronger, disheartened by her mother’s sharp words of warning. 

 

            Back out in the night, cold biting at her cheeks and working its way through the shirt she was wearing, she staggered down the street, her stomach rumbling and the sour taste of bile at the back of her throat as she wandered aimlessly. She wasn’t sure what time it was when she found herself outside Winn’s diner, the diner and the tiny apartment above it both dark, and she stumbled about on the sidewalk as she shouted up at him, trying to get his attention. It hadn’t been her intention to come to his apartment, but she didn’t have anywhere else to go, and they were friends. She trusted Winn, and knew that he’d let her stay there for the night. 

 

            It was a few minutes of shouting his name, a brief argument with an annoyed neighbour a few buildings down, who poked his head out and started swearing at her to be quiet, and an incessant buzzing of the intercom, before her bleary eyed friend opened the door in a dressing gown, his hair up on end and a wide eyed look of concern on his face. 

 

            “Lena? You’re back.”

 

            “And isn’t it  _ great _ to be home,” she laughed, a slow smile spreading across her face as her eyes slid halfway shut.

 

            “Are you  _ drunk?” _

 

            She laughed as she held up her hand, holding her thumb and forefinger a smidge apart, leaning against the doorframe for support. “Maybe a little. Can I stay here tonight? I don’t think- I can’t see Kara right now. I might say something I’ll regret.”

 

            He ushered her into the narrow hallway and stood behind her as she staggered upstairs, softly sighing as he reached out to grab her waist, her armpits, her shoulder, whenever she stumbled on the wooden steps. Letting them into the small apartment above the diner, he supported her over to the bed wedged up against one wall, the sheets rumpled as if someone had just climbed out of them, and he flopped her down on top of the mattress, tugging her shoes off for her and draping the blankets over her. 

 

            Laying there, her mind swimming with alcohol, a pressure building behind her eyes as she blinked back tiredness, she swallowed a lump that rose in her throat as Winn fussed with the blankets, making sure she was tucked in properly. Tears pricked her eyes, and Lena quickly blinked them away, her whole body feeling leaden as her heart was weighed down by her heavy feelings.

 

            “Are you okay?” Winn whispered, crouching beside the bed as she stared up at the ceiling with glassy eyes.

 

            “She doesn’t love me,” Lena murmured, tears spilling over and running down her temples as she sniffed. 

 

            He reached up and gave her shoulder a quick squeeze, a grim smile on his face as he pushed himself to his feet. “Of course she does; we all do. Get some rest.”

 

            “I’m sorry.”

 

            “It’s okay,” he lightly told her, a small smile curling his lips as he gave her a tired look, and she knew that he meant it. He’d always been kind to her, and doubt crept up on Lena for a moment as she wondered whether his kindness had been born from their friendship, or if he’d just been too polite to tell her how much of an inconvenience it was to look after her daughter for her.

 

            He moved away from the bed, and she watched through half-lidded eyes as he made himself up a bed on the sagging sofa, grabbing a blanket off the back of it and using one of the cushions as a pillow. Making for the light switch, he paused as Lena spoke, turning to look at her.

 

            “Can you leave the light on? Please. I … I don’t like the dark.”

 

            Nodding, he gave her an understanding look, “sure, Lena.”

 

            She let out a shaky sigh as she felt her body relax, and she wasn’t sure at what point she drifted off to sleep, but the next thing she was aware of was the sounds of someone moving around the apartment, trying to stay quiet, and the pounding in her head. Blearily opening her eyes, she pushed herself up onto her elbows, taking in the figure lacing on a pair of shoes on the sofa, and Winn looked over at her at the flicker of movement out of the corner of his eye. 

 

            Sunlight filtered in through the blinds, and Lena thought it must’ve been around six o’clock. Time for the diner to open. He didn’t say anything as he walked over to the door and slipped out of the apartment, leaving her in bed with her hangover, until he reappeared five minutes later. A large china mug held a strong cup of black coffee, and he set it down on the nightstand, before fetching her a few aspirin and some water. She wanted to cry and the kindness, still slightly drunk and more than a little bit confused, and she drained the water obediently, while Winn told her that she was welcome to a shower and to borrow some fresh clothes.

 

            Looking down at herself, she took in the brownish stains of bourbon and whisky, and the yellowed ones that looked like bile from where she’d vomited outside the bar. Feeling her cheeks warm with embarrassment at the state of herself, she nodded and mumbled her thanks, and he went back down to his diner, getting ready for a day of making coffee, scrambling eggs and baking pies.

 

            Sipping at the coffee slowly, feeling the caffeine invigorate her as she lay amongst the sheets and pillows, wallowing in her misery, and thinking about Laurel. Sam wouldn’t expect her to come for her straight away, knowing that she’d have jetlag, and she didn’t have work anyway, with it being Sunday, so Lena knew that she didn’t have to rush, but she missed her daughter. She needed the comfort of someone who depended on her, who thought she hung the stars in the sky and loved her unconditionally. With Laurel, she felt like she was doing something right, like she hadn’t failed completely at being a human. Kara had used to make her feel better too, but at that moment, she’d never felt worse about herself, and she was in no hurry to go home either. For now, she wasted time at Winn’s, watching an hour slip by as her phone buzzed in her pocket, the calls unanswered and messages unread.

 

            A little after seven, the door opened again, and Lena scrambled upright as Alex walked in instead of Winn. She was holding a plate in her hand, steam rising from crispy bacon and scrambled eggs, and she paused as she looked at Lena’s face, or perhaps just the general air of unkemptness about her, and walked over to her, placing the plate in her lap and handing her some cutlery. Ducking her head down, Lena stared at the pile of food and felt her throat close up. Alex was clearly there for a reason, and Lena’s cheeks turned pink as she avoided looking up at her.

 

            “She’s been trying to get ahold of you all night.”

 

            Picking up a piece of bacon, Lena bit off a mouthful and chewed so that she didn’t have to reply. Sighing, Alex sat down on the edge of the bed, jostling the mattress as Lena steadied the plate. She could feel her friend’s brown eyes burning into her, but she couldn’t bring herself to look up and meet her gaze. 

 

            “You look like shit. You might consider showering before you see your daughter.”

 

            Despite herself, Lena let out a snort of laughter and peeked up at Alex, her lips twisting into a wry smile. “I don’t think a shower will fix much.”

 

            Wrinkling her nose, Alex shrugged, “at least you won’t smell like you went swimming in a distillery vat.”

 

            Eating more bacon, Lena nodded thoughtfully, finding herself ravenous, especially as the aspirin dampened the banging headache, and she quickly devoured her breakfast while Alex watched on in silence. When her plate was scraped clean, Alex carried it over to the kitchen and dumped it in the sink, before making herself comfortable on the sofa.

 

            “Have a shower and get dressed and then I’ll take you home.”

 

            “I don’t  _ want _ to go home.”

 

            “Well I came here to get you.”

 

            Scoffing, Lena folded her arms over her chest and scowled at the woman as she remained firmly in bed, “well I don’t care. Kara can’t just order you to come and fetch me. I’m not a dog.”

 

            “Okay, well, I don’t know what happened when you got home, but she’s upset.”

 

            “I don’t give a fuck what she is,” Lena snapped, “and thanks for the heads up.”

 

            Lips pressed together in a grim line, Alex gave her an exasperated look. “I take it you know she’s engaged.”

 

            “She’s going to marry  _ him?  _ You honestly think that’s a good idea?”

 

            “No,” Alex snorted, “but she does, so … that’s all there is. Unless there’s a reason for her  _ not _ to ...”

 

            Grinding her teeth, Lena avoided Alex’s stare, knowing that she was trying to coerce her into admitting her feelings. Fighting down the emotions that bubbled up inside, she sat there with her arms folded and stewed in her anger at Kara as it resurfaced. It wasn’t just the fact that Kara was marrying Mike - Lena had known she was coming back to her friend already in a relationship with someone else, and the engagement just cemented that - it was everything else she’d said. Throwing Lena’s words back in her face, pointing out all of her insecurities, and perhaps it was selfish of Lena to admit her feelings now, but when else was she going to do it? When Kara had said it herself but she  _ hadn’t _ loved her and would’ve been lying? Should she have lied and kept her feelings to herself, even though they’d always been able to tell each other everything. It wasn’t like she’d asked Kara to pick her. She’d just been honest with her, like Kara had been when she’d admitted her feelings too. Both of them hadn’t expected anything, yet Lena had been understanding, and Kara had been so uncharacteristically hostile. 

 

            But she couldn’t blame Kara for that either. There was a grain of truth in it all, and she had been brutally honest in her anger, even if it had hurt to hear it. But that anger had come from a place of hurt, and Lena knew that. She’d rejected Kara before, and then dragged it back up to talk about it again and gently rebuke her feelings again, so how could Kara trust that she meant it this time? She was just defending her heart, putting up walls to keep Lena out, because she couldn’t trust that Lena wouldn’t hurt her again. At least Mike wanted her, had always wanted her. He was a safe option, and Lena was a flight risk. And what could she bring? Trouble and danger, a child that she didn’t want to burden Kara with, the risk that it would end and they’d both lose each other for good, all of the baggage that she’d tried so hard in vain to shake. Mike was a better choice on every count, but he didn’t know Kara like she did. He didn’t need her the way Lena did. And because she  _ needed _ her, because she depended on her so much, had built her life around the fact that Kara was there, she knew she had to let go.

 

            “There’s no reason,” she eventually answered, her voice cracking slightly as she climbed out of bed.

 

            Rifling through Winn’s drawers, she pulled out a plaid navy shirt, a pair of worn jeans, and made her way to the bathroom, while Alex stared after her with a knowing look on her face. Locking the bathroom door, she grabbed a clean towel off the rack, turned the hot water on, watching it splutter to life and spurt against the porcelain tub, and shed her dirty clothes. Standing beneath the scalding water, she let it turn her skin pink as it hit her back, running down her spine and swirling down the drain as she closed her eyes. 

 

            Standing beneath it for a few minutes, she shook herself out of her misery and grabbed the shower gel, the smell of clove and cedarwood washing over her as she scrubbed herself clean of the alcohol and vomit. Washing her hair with the citrus shampoo, she tilted her head up to the showerhead and let hot water course over her face, washing away the salty tracks of tears and the gritty feeling in her eyes. When she’d lingered as long as she could, she washed the last of the suds away and turned off the water, stepping out onto the bath mat and wrapping the fluffy towel around her. Rinsing her mouth out with mouthwash, she towel dried her hair, changed into Winn’s clean clothes, feeling cosy in the fresh smell of his laundry detergent, and then dumped the towel in the laundry basket. Gathering up her dirty clothes, she walked out into the apartment and tossed them straight into the trash, making sure to grab her phone, keys and credit card before she did so.

 

            Feeling refreshed, she found herself slightly emboldened. Her appearance had always been her armour, the layer of makeup, the perfectly coiffed hair, the expensive clothes and lavish jewelry giving her the mask she needed to hide behind, and although she was lacking all of those things, she felt more herself after the shower and a fresh change of clothes. She wasn’t the sad girl in the two day old funeral clothes, covered in vomit and spilt liquor, and some of her cool aloofness crept back into her, and she fixed Alex with a level stare as she pulled on her boots.

 

            “I’m ready.”

 

            Nodding, Alex climbed to her feet, fishing a pair of keys out of her pocket, and made for the door. Following after her, she shut the door behind her, walked down the stairs and rounded the back of the staircase, slipping through the door leading into the back of Winn’s diner. He was standing at the grill, cooking bacon, a smattering of flour on his apron, and three freshly made pies waiting to be glazed with a beaten egg and put into the oven. She shifted uncomfortably as she thanked him, and he gave her a small smile full of understanding. Of course he’d known that Kara was engaged too, and he wasn’t stupid - he could put the state she’d been in with the fact that she’d just gotten back and found out for herself. She wondered if perhaps he could see the feelings that accompanied the state she’d been in. Perhaps Lena had been oblivious where others hadn’t been. Maybe they’d noticed the spark long before it had grown into a burning love for Kara, before she’d even noticed it herself.

 

            If Winn knew, he was too gracious to say it, or offer her empty words of sympathy and comfort, and she promised to come and see him again soon, or have a game night. Something that would distract her and let her see her friends again after so long apart. After saying goodbye, she followed Alex outside and climbed into the passenger seat of the car parked along the side of the road. 

 

            It was still early, and the traffic was slow on Sunday morning as they wound their way through the city in relative silence. The radio buzzed with the voice of a broadcaster announcing the news and titles of new songs, and Lena stared out at the damp streets, watching as shops opened and people walked the streets in their windbreakers and coats. The sky was a clear, pale blue, with all signs of the rain clouds gone, and aside from the slight chill and a mild breeze, it was a perfect day for late November. 

 

            A few blocks away from Winn’s, Alex cleared her throat, and Lena jerked herself out of her thoughts to turn and face her, eyebrows raised expectantly. “So … where'd you go?

 

           "To see my mom."

 

           "Oh ... how was it?"

 

           "Delightful," Lena bitingly replied. Nodding, Alex's mouth turned down at the corners, but she didn't deign to chase that line of conversation. Not with Lena's dark mood.

 

            "What happened to your face?”

 

            “I lost my temper,” Lena sourly told her.

 

            “Probably wasn’t the best idea.”

 

            Staring down at her split knuckles, Lena flexed her fingers and curled her hand into a fist. “I don’t know, it made me feel better.”

 

            “For how long?”

 

            Pressing her lips into a flat line, she crossed her arms over her chest and stared out the windscreen, ignoring Alex. They stopped at a red light, and Lena watched a few people cross the road, watching the mother with her two kids, the guy riding his bike, and the teenager with a pair of headphones on, nodding his head to the music, and she tried to squash down her irritation and confusion as they waited for the light to go green. As soon as it changed, Alex accelerated, and they rejoined the flow of the inner city traffic in silence, until Alex sighed.

 

            “Look, Lena, I don’t know what went on with you two. She didn’t tell me what happened, but I know she feels awful. I’m not saying you can’t be angry, but this isn’t the way to do it. You’re young, I get that you’re impulsive and you’re still trying to sort things out for yourself, but you have to think of your daughter-”

 

            “You think that I  _ don’t? _ Every decision I make is-”

 

            “Yeah? And what’s she going to think about  _ this?” _ Alex bluntly asked, waving a face in the general vicinity of Lena’s face. “Did you think of what she’d think of her mommy’s face when you lost your temper? You’ve been old in the head since we first met, but you’re only twenty-four. You don’t have to have it together, okay? But you have a kid, and she needs stability. So you can’t afford to be arguing with Kara if she’s going to be there. She’s old enough to understand things now, she’s going to know if something’s off, and she’s going to ask questions. And I’m not saying that you have to forgive her, or that you should pretend like whatever happened didn’t happen, but you need to figure your shit out. She’s my sister, and I love her to pieces, but you have to do what’s best for you and Laurel, and if that means you have to kick her out and tell her to live with Mike, then do it. She’s a big girl, and she’s not going to be there much longer anyway. But if you can’t do that, then grow up and fix it. You can’t just hide at Winn’s and expect Sam to look after her because you’re upset that she’s moved on.”

 

            “That’s not-”

 

            “Tell me you don’t love her.”

 

            “I-” Lena started, before trailing off. Of course she did, she knew that very clearly now, even if she hadn’t before. It had slowly crept up on her, a nagging thought that grew more insistent at the back of her mind, until she’d had no choice but to pay attention to it and unravel the confusing mess of her feelings. She’d compared those feelings to love before, but she hadn’t known what that felt like. She knew what it was like to love her daughter, but that was entirely different. Like her mother had said, love was loyalty, and that was the only love that Lena had grown up with. Loyalty and being spoilt, as if buying her anything she could ever want would’ve made her more fond of her parents. “I don’t-”

 

            Snorting, Alex shook her head, “yes, you do. I noticed it last time you were back - we all did, except Kara - how jealous you were of Mike, how quickly you left, as if you were waiting for an excuse to leave so you didn’t have to see it, how you asked me and Sam so many questions about him, trying to find a reason to hate him. But he’s not a bad person, and he’s good for her, he’s … safe, stable. So it’s up to you what you do next. You can tell her how you feel and maybe she’ll leave him for you, or you can keep it a secret and let her be  _ content _ without you.”

 

            They pulled up outside of her apartment a few minutes later, and Lena unbuckled her seatbelt, pausing for a moment with her hand on the door handle, biting her split lip as she tried to search for the right words. “Has she ever- have I ever been an inconvenience to you? Does it bother you that you have to look after my kid, drive around the city to come and bring me home, sort out my shit for me?”

 

            Rolling her eyes, Alex gave her a pointed look, “you’re a pain in my ass, but that’s what family does for each other. None of us have ever thought that. Now, do me a favour and sort this one out yourself. I’ve got court to prepare for.”

 

            Nodding, Lena opened the door and slid out onto the sidewalk, giving Alex a wavering smile as she ducked down to peer inside of the car, “thanks, Alex.”

 

            “Just a thought; put some concealer on that before you pick up Laurel, yeah?”

 

            “Yeah.”

 

            Slamming the car door, she gave her friend a wave, watching as she pulled out into traffic, before she walked over to the door and let herself into the lobby. A different security guard sat at the desk this time, and she nodded to him as she made her way over to the elevator. Making the quick trip up to her floor, she felt weariness wash over her, despite the few hours of sleep she’d had at Winn’s, and was looking forward to bed and some peace and quiet before Kara got home. They’d have to talk, of course, but at least she could put it off for a while. Unlocking the door, she pushed it open with thoughts of her bed, and froze at the sight of the blonde waiting for her at the kitchen table.

 

            “You’re supposed to be at work,” Lena flatly stated as she paused just inside the doorway, keys in hand and a haughty look on her face.

 

            Quickly climbing to her feet, Kara rushed towards her, anxiously fiddling with her fingers as she gave her a cowed look, her blue eyes wide and full of guilt and regret. “I called in sick. I couldn’t- I didn’t want to leave things this way. I didn’t mean-”

 

            “Don’t,” Lena quickly cut her off, closing her eyes as she held out a hand to stop her. Letting out a soft sigh, she shut the door behind her and moved over to the kitchen counters, tossing her keys onto it and bracing herself on the edge of the worktop. “Don’t say you didn’t mean it. You did. Maybe not in such a hurtful way, but you still meant it.”

 

            “No. No, I didn’t, I was just angry.”

 

            “But you were  _ right.” _

 

            She looked up at Kara, taking in the sorrowful look on her face and the pleading in her eyes, silently begging her for forgiveness. Lena’s lips quirked up into a bitter smile and she found her voice growing hoarse as she spoke, making her decision. 

 

            “You were right. I don’t love you - not in that way. I was -  _ am -  _ jealous of you.” 

 

            The lies left a sour taste in her mouth as she spoke them, because of  _ course _ she loved her, and she  _ was _ jealous - jealous of Mike, not of Kara - but she knew that she couldn’t hurt Kara, not even if she’d been hurt first. It wasn’t her place to come back and stir things up, to disrupt her friend’s life after being gone for so long, especially after having rejected her first, so she lied. And it was the first time she’d intentionally lied to Kara, but Lena knew that it was necessary. If she loved her, she’d let her go, let her live a safe and peaceful life with Mike. It was more than she’d be able to offer her. The only thing Lena could bring was ruin and pain, and if she could’ve brought herself to bear the gut wrenching pain of it, she would’ve let her take Laurel with her and keep her daughter safe too. 

 

            “And you’re right that I depend on you. I have since the moment we met. And to be honest, I was scared, because you’re right that everyone leaves me, and I don’t like the person I am when you’re not around. I’ve built my life around you, and I was afraid of that changing, and I thought that you’d pick me if I asked you to. It was selfish of me, and I’m sorry that I said it, but I just- I don’t want to lose my best friend.”

 

            “You don’t … love me?”

 

            Kara said the words slowly, uncertainly, and Lena wondered if the flicker of hurt and dejection that ran across her face was nothing more than wishful thinking. Surely Kara didn’t still love her, not if she wanted to marry someone else, but there was the look of someone who’d just had their hopes dashed about Kara as she looked at Lena with a wariness on her face. 

 

            “Only as a friend,” Lena firmly said, her lips a thin line as she forced the lie out.

 

            “A friend. Right,” Kara murmured, glancing down at her hands as she swallowed her guilt, unable to look Lena in the eye. “I’m sorry. Really. I know I said some awful things. I blamed you for things that you can’t help, but I just-”

 

            “You don’t have to explain,” Lena quickly interrupted, before a cold look hardened her face and her tone turned icy, “I get it. I do. But just so you know, I never  _ asked _ you to move in with me, and I never asked you to be a parent to  _ my _ child, or to put me before you, and you have no idea about my family, so don’t you get to ever throw any of that in my face again.”

 

            She brushed past her roommate after that, so tired that she could barely keep her eyes open, so drained that she couldn’t bring herself to stand there all morning and argue, so she just made her way towards the mouth of the hallway leading to her bedroom, finally making her way towards her sorely missed bed. Kara’s hand reached out for her, the ghostly touch of her fingers grazing the sleeve of Lena’s borrowed shirt, but she didn’t even turn to look at her, she just tensed her shoulders and ducked her head down.

 

            “Wait-”

 

            “No. I’m tired, Kara. I haven’t slept in days. We can do this another time.”

 

            Her friend let her go after that, and Lena shuffled down the hallway, her head gently throbbing with her headache and her shoulders slumped with exhaustion. Stepping into her bedroom after so many months away from it, she was hit with the strong sense of home - a feeling she’d always associated with Kara - and she kicked off her shoes, shed Winn’s jeans, and collapsed onto her bed. 

 

            Laying there, she started to cry, the empty, numb kind of crying, where her mind went blank and she didn’t shake with sobs or make a sound, but just lay with her head on the pillows as hot tears silently spilled over, running off the bridge of her nose and down her temple as they formed a wet patch beneath her. She wasn’t even sure  _ why _ she was crying this time, only that she couldn’t stop the silent tears, or bring herself to even feel anything. She was just numb, and tired, and she fell asleep with her face buried into the damp pillow, the faint smell of Kara’s perfume achingly familiar and making her wonder if her friend had been sleeping in here while she’d been gone. Asleep before she could even chase the thought, Lena’s tense muscles unwound as she drifted off into unconsciousness.

 

            She woke to sunlight bathing her room in its pale glow, slowly pushing herself up and staring down at the blanket that had been draped over her. She knew she’d fallen asleep on top of the blankets. Rubbing her gritty eyes, she yawned, still feeling unrested, and swung her legs over onto the floor. Pushing herself to her feet, she changed, walked over to the door and stepped out into the hallway. The sound of someone moving about in the kitchen reached her ears, and she faltered for a moment, before steeling herself. This was her apartment, and she was never one to back down from a fight, even if it was with the person she loved more than anyone, except Laurel, of course. 

 

            Kara turned as she stepped into the kitchen, giving her a grim smile as she stirred mac and cheese at the stove. “Hi.”

 

            Nodding, Lena walked over to a cupboard, but Kara beat her to it, pulling a mug out and filling it with coffee she’d brewed a short while ago. Handing it to her with a regretful look in her eyes, Kara gave her another small smile, and Lena mumbled a thank you, before taking it over to the table. Sitting down, she curled her feet up beneath her and gave Kara sidelong glances as she watched her make lunch. 

 

            A few minutes later, a bowl was placed in front of her too, and she glanced up at Kara, watching as she took the seat across from her, after grabbing her own cup of coffee, and they both sat there, not talking as their food cooled in front of them. “I’m sorry,” Kara firmly said after a few minutes of tense silence.

 

            “I don’t care.”

 

            “Lena-”

 

            Huffing, she set her cup down. “It doesn’t matter, Kara. You said it, and I forgive you, but it doesn’t change anything. You still said it. So I don’t care if you’re sorry, because it’s already done. And I know that you were upset, but I was upset too, and I never threw any of the things I’ve done for you back in  _ your _ face.”

 

            “I know,” Kara murmured, looking ashamed as she stared down at her coffee with mournful eyes. “I just- you said you loved me, and I was scared, and I said the wrong things. It’s not how I feel. It’s just ... you left. And you left because of your family, and you built your life around me, but I built mine around you, and it hurt to lose you. I didn’t mean to blame you for that, but I can’t help that I felt angry that you left. And I know you think it’s stupid to get engaged to someone I haven’t been dating for that long, but … without Mike, I don’t know what I would’ve done. He helped me move on, and that’s better for both of us, especially because you’ve never felt that way about me.”

 

            Draining her cup of coffee, Lena pushed her chair back and set it down on the table, leaving the mac and cheese untouched. “Right.”

 

            Snatching her keys up off the counter, she grabbed her coat off the hook, and Kara quickly climbed to her feet, her fork clattering against the edge of the bowl. “Where are you going?”

 

            “To pick up Ducky.”

 

            “I’ll come with you.”

 

            “No,” Lena bluntly told her, “I don’t _need_ you to.”

 

            “I know, but I-”

 

            “I can pick up _my own_ daughter.”

 

            She shrugged into her coat and left before Kara could insist, because the last thing Lena wanted was to be cooped up in a car with her, feeling those wide, sorry blue eyes staring at her, urging her to forgive her, to listen to Kara try and reason and justify what she’d said. The harsh blow was still too raw, and Lena  _ did _ forgive her, in a way - she’d meant that - but forgiving someone didn’t make something okay. It was just her acknowledging that she knew that Kara felt bad about saying it, and that she’d stop feeling angry about it at some point, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less. She wasn’t trying to make Kara feel bad about it, and it wasn’t up to Lena to make her feel better either. The best she could do for now was try and put some distance between them, hoping to soothe the wounded edges of her heart, so she went to Sam’s alone to pick up her daughter, deciding that she wouldn’t rely on anyone else anymore. They’d been fine in London, after a fashion, and it would be just the two of them now too. It had always been about her and Laurel, and her daughter was her main priority, always. She didn’t  _ need _ Kara. She’d meant that too.


	27. Chapter 27

           After picking up her daughter, she went to the park, where she wasted time pushing Laurel on the swings, sitting on a peeling green bench as they watched ducks glide across the surface of the pond, eating pretzels and people watching as hours slowly dragged by. Kara would be waiting for her to come home by now, and Lena was tempted to do it, but she was still angry. Angry enough to walk her daughter through the city as the sun started to set, the sky painted shades of pink and tangerine, steely clouds drifting across the sky as the sunset was reflected off a hundred windows at once. It wasn’t too far to walk from the park, and she stood outside the hotel for a few moments, spying the DEO agents milling about in the lobby, before she headed inside.

 

           Booking a room for the night, just below the penthouse, she let herself go up to the room, and unlocked the door, stepping into a room that was only slightly less lavish than the one her mother was staying in on the floor above her. Marble and leather, sandalwood and creamy tiles, velvet drapes and wingback armchairs. She smiled as Laurel ran over to the king sized bed that dwarfed one end of the long room, watching as her daughter scrambled up onto the high bed, before she kicked off her shoes and ran over, jumping on beside her. The mattress bounced, and Lena laughed as Laurel laughed too. Pulling her daughter into a tight hug, Lena rolled over onto her back, cradling Laurel to her chest, and pressed a firm kiss to the top of her head.

 

           “I’ve missed you,” she said, smiling up at her daughter as she pushed herself up off her chest.

 

           “I missed you too,” Laurel said, giving her a gap-toothed smile, before reaching out to gently touch the bruises, “how did you get these?”

 

           Lips stretching into a wide smile, the scab pulling at the edges and opening slightly, Lena tried to open her left eye as much as she could, despite the fact that it was swollen nearly completely shut. “Mommy was clumsy and walked into the door. Silly me, huh?”

 

           “I’ll kiss it better,” Laurel said, leaning down to press a kiss to the corner of Lena’s eye, and Lena tried not to wince as tears welled up and her heart tugged slightly.

 

           “Thank you, baby. Now, how about we order room service? Do you want pancakes for dinner?”

 

           “Pancakes?” Laurel repeated, her eyes lighting up with excitement as she sat up.

 

           Sitting up, cradling her daughter in her lap, Lena hugged her tightly, “just this once.”

 

           “Is Aunt Kara coming here for some too?”

 

           Faltering for a moment, Lena’s lips curled into a small, strained smile, and she kissed Laure’s temple, her voice low as she tried not to let it shake. “No. No, Ducky, she’s not. It’s just you and me tonight.”

 

           Looking confused as she turned to look up at Lena with wide brown eyes, she quickly forgot abandoned any further line of conversation about why they were staying at a hotel for the night, and why Kara wouldn’t be there, and became enraptured in a showing of  _ Moana _ that Lena put on for her on the gigantic flat screen set before a wide leather sofa.

 

           Ordering pancakes, waffles, fries milkshakes and fudge cake for dessert, Lena shed her clothes and slipped on one of the hotel robes and slippers, before emptying the mini fridge of the snacks, and settling down beside her daughter. It wasn’t long before hotel employees knocked on the door, and the coffee table was strewn with silver platters holding plates of food. Making a fun night out of it, Lena built them a fort out of the hotel pillows and the bed sheets and spare blankets, nestling into the small space with her daughter as they snacked on the variety of foods and watched the movie together. Laurel was asleep before  _ Moana _ ended, and Lena lay there as  _ Aladdin _ came on next, watching the movie as her phone vibrated in her pocket, the calls going unanswered.

 

           It was late when she carried Laurel to bed, dragging the covers back over to drape over them, and crawled beneath the heavy quilt, leaving the lamp on to cast a golden light over the room. Despite the comforting glow of light, she slept poorly, tossing and turning all night, the mattress hard beneath her, the pillows smelling neutral and foreign, and her fight with Kara making her restless as she tossed and turned. Their safety worried her too, and she woke more than once in a cold sweat, her heart pounding in her chest as she scrambled to check on Laurel, only to find her sleeping peacefully, arms and legs splayed out across the wide bed, or nestled up beside Lena in a small ball of warmth. 

 

           She woke before the sun, taking a hot shower and relaxing her stiff muscles with the sweet smelling complimentary shower gel, washing the gritty feeling from her eyes as she relished in the feeling of the warm water. Wrapping herself in a fluffy towel, she peeked back out into the room to check on Laurel, before shutting the door and drying her hair with the dryer stowed away in a drawer, doing the best she could with the flimsy comb on the counter. Brushing her teeth, rubbing in coconut scented lotion on her skin, and putting on her hotel robe again, she shuffled out in her slippers and helped herself to some of the sachets of coffee, making it as strong as she could while she lolled in her armchair. 

 

           Watching the sunrise through the velvet drapes, the height of the building revealing a good view of the city as lilacs and pinks reflected off the towering office buildings clustered around the city centre, Lena lounged in the armchair, sipping her coffee and waiting for her daughter to wake up. She wasn’t in any rush; she’d spoken with Director Henshaw before leaving London a few days ago, and had been placed on temporary leave, she had no friends she wanted to see, and no desire to be anywhere. She let Laurel sleep for as long as she wanted to, tidying up around the place and thinking about Kara. Things were a mess between them, and Lena knew that her anger about their engagement had been unwarranted, a selfish reaction because she was upset that Kara had found someone else to love, but her anger about what Kara said was justified, and she used that anger to fuel her stubbornness. Whenever she faltered for a moment, considered shaking Laurel awake and taking her home, she wallowed in her anger and hurt, making herself feel worse as she dwelled on the words, and her resolve strengthened.

 

           She did go home eventually though. Dressing in her worn clothes borrowed from Winn, she took Laurel down to the restaurant just off the main lobby and they ate breakfast in the weak sunshine filtering in through the tall windows, her daughter eating eggs and drinking her juice, while Lena sipped coffee and ate smoked salmon, picking at the plate of food with no appetite. Leaving her credit card details at the front desk, and booking a room for another night, she held onto Laurel’s hand as she led her outside. It was a mild day, but she quickly knelt in front of her daughter, making sure her coat was zipped up properly, giving Laurel a smile and a kiss, before leading her through the city.

 

           Back to the park they’d been at yesterday, she found her car where she’d left it, snatching a parking ticket from the windscreen, and buckled her daughter in, before climbing into the front seat and starting the engine. Driving through the busy inner city traffic, she drove home, parking across the street and slightly up from the door leading into her building, eyeing the clock and trying to make a guess as to when Kara would have work. Sitting there for twenty minutes, engine idling while the radio played the  _ Hottest 20,  _ she eventually turned the car off and plucked up the courage to go inside. Either Kara was home, waiting for her shift to start, or she was already at work, and if she was home, then it didn’t change anything. Lena was home for some clean clothes, a few of Laurel’s things, and to grab the necessities, and then she would be gone again. Kara could try all she wanted to make her stay, but she needed her space, and she was adamant that she’d get it.

 

           As luck would have it, or some slight disappointment, if she was being honest, Kara wasn’t home, and Laurel watched cartoons as Lena grabbed a duffel bag and shoved as much as she could in it, before packing Laurel’s backpack with all the toys her daughter wanted to bring. She was under the impression that it was like they were going on a holiday, and was excited at the prospect, offering no complaints as Lena took what they needed and then left.

 

           Taking her bag back to the hotel, she left it in their room, which had since been tidied up, and then asked her daughter what she wanted to do. They ended up going ice skating at the indoor rink, and Lena gingerly slid around the rink, holding onto Laurel’s hand as they skated around on the ice, making sure her daughter didn’t fall, even at the cost of nearly falling on her ass a few times. By the time they’d had their fill of skating, they were both pink cheeked, and hot and cold at the same time, sipping hot chocolate in the rink’s cafeteria to warm their trembling hands. 

 

           Afterwards, Lena took her to the nearby bookstore, picking out three for herself, and four for Laurel, taking the time to let her stop and listen in on the children’s storytelling that was going on at the back of the store by a volunteer with a golden retriever laying at her feet. They made  a quick stop at the bank afterwards, with Lena making Laurel read one of her books while she emptied the safety deposit box. After that, exhausted and her daughter in desperate need of a nap, Lena drove them back to the hotel after that, handing the keys over to the valet and letting the young man drive off in her car, and took Laurel upstairs to put her to bed. Anxiously pacing back and forth for the better part of twenty minutes, she ended up calling one of the agents she knew from the blacksite, and a few minutes later, a woman called Eve knocked on her door.

 

           Opening it, Lena gave her a curt nod and let her inside, shutting the door behind her and gesturing over to the bed. “She’s asleep; I need you to watch her for a few minutes.”

 

           “Why?” Eve warily asked, eyeing Lena’s face with concern, before glancing over at Laurel with a wariness that was unfamiliar. Out of all of the agents she worked with, Eve was amongst those that she trusted the most, but Lena had rarely let anyone near her daughter. The blonde was usually overly eager to please though, and Lena had found her willingness to help an asset on more than one occasion. This time, she’d been hoping it would translate across to babysitting. Laurel had met her before, on one of her few visits to the DEO, and she’d most likely be back before her daughter woke up anyway.

 

           “I need to talk to my mom.”

 

           “Lena-”

 

           “Please, Eve. I’ll owe you one.”

 

           Sighing, the blonde slowly nodded, a grim look on her face, as if she was worried that Lena would do something stupid, but she agreed nonetheless. Grabbing her arm, Lena gave it a firm squeeze, a grateful smile curling her lips as she thanked her, and she slipped out of the room, making sure she had her key card in her back pocket. 

 

           Making her way to the elevator, she stepped inside, swiping the card and pushing the button for the penthouse, a sudden jolt and quick ride bringing her to the top floor of the hotel. Stepping out, she made her way towards the agents, nodding to them and asking them to let her pass. They knew her, of course, and without question, they let her go inside.

 

           This time, Lillian was wearing a cream silk shirt and a pair of camel coloured slacks, drinking a glass of Chardonnay as she sat at the large desk, penning a letter on the hotel stationary. As Lena entered, she turned to look over her shoulder, her eyebrows rising and the pen settling down beside the unfinished page as she swiveled around, picking up her glass of wine as she faced her daughter.

 

           “Well … you’re in a better state at least, even if your face still looks awful.”

 

           Lena stood there in silence, wondering if perhaps she was making a mistake, seeking out her mother again as some sort of comfort to manage her heartache. At least her mother’s sharp words and contempt were a given, and she could steel herself for the barbed wire words that dug into the thick skin she’d developed when dealing with her family. She was prepared for that. She wasn’t vulnerable around them - she was never that careless - and she became somewhat more like her family in those moments, prickly and cold, on the offence and angry. With Kara, the words had been a shocking blow when she’d been most vulnerable, admitting her feelings, letting her secret pour out of her, and she hadn’t been expecting such a harsh rejection. It hurt more than anything her mother could say to her. Bolstered by the oddly comforting thought Lillian couldn’t be worse than her friend hurting her, she stepped further into the penthouse.

 

           “I hadn’t expected another visit so soon,” Lillian commented when her daughter offered no greeting or retaliation. 

 

           “Neither had I.”

 

           “Have you fixed your love problems, or are you here for some motherly advice?” Lillian asked, her lips curling up into a wry smile as her green eyes flashed with cold amusement. 

 

           Flopping down onto the sofa, Lena raised her chin, giving Lillian a frosty look, “if only I had one to take advice from.”

 

           Laughing, Lillian took a sip of wine. “Come now, I’m the longest mother you’ve had. And my advice has always been reliable, even if it’s not what you wanted to hear. Just because our opinions differ, it doesn’t make it bad.”

 

           Snorting, Lena rolled her eyes, settling into the velvet as she glanced around the place, taking in the comfort of the penthouse. They were obviously treating her well, letting her live in luxury, letting her have expensive wine and her tailored clothes, bribing her for her cooperation. Lena just hoped that it was worth it, because her mother was right; she would tell them the truth, but it wasn’t always what they wanted to hear. No doubt she’d been unable to deliver some of the things the DEO had been hoping to wheedle out of her, and they’d thought bribery might work, only to end up disappointed. What they didn’t realise is that Lillian would also only tell them what she wanted to, playing the long con, with the intention of coming out on top of it all. Perhaps she’d help them catch Lex, lock him up for his own safety, before he could hurt himself like Lillian feared, or perhaps she’d lead them into a trap and help her son destroy the incriminating evidence they’d been amassing. How many DEO agents had she already blackmailed and bribed on his behalf? How many of them were in her pocket, being given cash payments and being asked for small favours.

 

           “You only do what’s best for you,” Lena said.

 

           Waving aside her daughter’s words, Lillian smiled, a dismissive air about her. “Wine?”

 

           “I can’t. I have a daughter to look after.”

 

           “That never stopped me.”

 

           “And you did such a  _ wonderful _ job,” Lena dryly replied.

 

           Quietly chuckling, Lillian let her laughter fade off into an airy sigh, rising from the desk chair and making her way over to the sofa across from Lena. Setting her glass of wine down on the coffee table, she leant forward, resetting the figures on the chessboard set on the glass. It was a set that Lena knew all too well, having grown up learning how to play the game on this very board. It had been her father’s, and she remembered him teaching her, giving her smiles when she made a smart move, whacking Lex across the back of the head when he lost to her. She’d always liked chess, but she’d hated the memories associated with the game, even if they were some of the kindest ones she’d had of her father.

 

           “Where is she now then? I’d think you’d never want to leave her side, out of fear of abandoning her like I apparently have you.”

 

           Giving her a droll look, Lena crossed her arms over her chest, her face stoney as she faced Lillian. “She’s downstairs.”

 

           “Downstairs?” Lillian asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

           “I’m, ah, taking up temporary residence here. For the time being. She’s taking a nap, with one of my coworkers watching her.” 

 

           It was a safe enough comment. Lillian was confined to the penthouse, under constant guard, with no access to phones or the internet, and had no way of letting Lex know she was there. Then there was the matter of the DEO crawling around the hotel, who wouldn’t let anyone get past them if they were a danger, which was why Lena had picked that hotel. Her brother would never brave a direct assault on her when his men wouldn’t make it past the lobby. And if Lillian let it slip to one of the DEO agents in her pocket, and they tried to attack her on their own, Lena had the gun her brother had given her, withdrawn from the safety deposit box at the bank, and stowed in the duffel bag she’d shoved onto the top shelf of the closet in her room. She could protect her daughter just find at the hotel. Perhaps even more so than at her apartment. Her only concern was for Kara’s safety.

 

           “She’s  _ here?” _ Lillian said, her eyes lighting up with interest. “You should bring her to see-”

 

           “You have no right to be a part of my daughter’s life,” Lena coolly replied, her stare level and hard. “I won’t let you breathe the same air as her again, if I can help it.”

 

           “Oh don’t be so melodramatic, Lena. I don’t want to  _ hurt _ the child; I’m trying to help you, in case you’ve forgotten that trivial fact. I’m helping you keep her  _ safe. _ Don’t I deserve to meet her after that?”

 

           Making a low sound of displeasure at the back of her throat, Lena scowled at her, looking like a berated child. She couldn’t help but always feel like a child when she was around her mother, feeling more like the young girl that she was, rather than the mature woman she felt like most of the time. With a petulant pout on her face, she gave Lillian a bitter look.

 

           “You tried to  _ take _ her from me, in case _you’ve_ forgotten. You tried to give her to  _ him _ . You don’t deserve anything, least of all to know her. She’s better off with no grandparents than one like you.”

 

           Holding her hands up defensively, Lillian sat back on the sofa, settling down on the pillows as a small smile turned up the corners of her lips. “So be it. Shall we get on with things then? Are you going to tell me why you’re here?”

 

           Faltering, Lena paused, biting her bottom lip as she stared down at the chess board. “I-” she started, before trailing off into silence, unsure what to say. She hadn’t come for a specific reason, she’d just wanted to feel annoyed with someone other than herself or Kara, and Lillian had been a short trip away upstairs. And so far it was working, Lena’s frustration growing as her mother talked. “I just wanted to talk.”

 

_            “Talk? _ Well now, neither of us believe that.”

 

           Scoffing, Lena curled her lip as she gave her a disdainful look. “Fine. My boss asked me to come and try and get some new information out of you. Things that you haven’t told the other agents. He thinks that, as your daughter, you’ll tell me more than you’ll tell them. I told him that he’d have more luck sending in one of the new recruits, but … here I am,” Lena lied, reaching out to correct a few of the misplaced chess pieces on her end of the board.

 

           A smile curled Lillian’s lips, and she gave her daughter an appraising look, before lifting a white chess piece and moving it forward on the newly corrected board. “Shall we play while we talk then?”

 

           Under false pretences, with nothing better to do, Lena shrugged in agreement, and made her own move with the black pieces, and fell into the familiar quiet intensity of the game, occasionally breaking the silence to ask a stray question about Lex, or their childhood. A lot of profiling was understanding the psychological thought processes of the person she was trying to create a profile of, and a lot of that came from their childhood. She was hoping that a tidbit of information that her mother might let slip could help clue her in on this game he was playing, because it was nothing more than a childish game. If she had to say, it was like chess, which they’d played all the time. They were taking out each other’s pawns, and in the process, he was slowly making advances, thinking that he was about to checkmate her. He wouldn’t settle for taking her piece off the board, he wanted to corner her until she had no moves left, until she was defeated with nowhere to go, and then he could take her for his own. But she just couldn’t figure out what he was going to do next.

 

           They played chess for two hours, chatting as Lena quizzed her mother about her childhood, a topic that she’d always largely avoided, too angry and hurt to want to know the whys of things. Her brother had it worse, she’d known that, and her father had forced him to grow up into a man that he was never meant to be, but that didn’t change anything. Lex was still Lex, he still did those things, hurt people she cared about and did horrible things in the name of business, and she needed to find out where it had all gone wrong. Perhaps then she’d know how to unravel him and catch him. Lillian was all too willing to cooperate, obviously seeing the trivial information as useless, even if it wasn’t to Lena, and she was enjoying the company at any rate, used to her own solitude, aside from agents bringing meals, or their futile attempts to interrogate her. Lena’s phone ringing ended their time together though, as Eve called and whispered that Laurel was starting to stir. With a troubled look on her face, Lena rose to her feet and promised to come back again to finish their talk and their game, before making her way back downstairs before Laurel had even fully awoken.

 

           That night, Kara called when Laurel was already fast asleep, and Lena was left to dwell in her own mind. She fished her phone out of her pocket as it vibrated, already knowing whose name would be lighting up the screen, and she watched it until it rang off, before a message came through for a voicemail. It wasn’t the first one that Kara had left for her, and she’d ignored them all, but she missed her so much in that moment that she just wanted to hear her voice. Pressing the button and holding it to her ear, she listened to the message bank tone, before it clicked and Kara’s voice came through, halting and thick with emotion.

 

_            “Hey. It’s me again. I know it’s late but … can you just call me back? Please. I just want to know if you’re okay. That you’re both safe.” _

 

           Lena closed her eyes as she listened to Kara’s trembling words, the threat of tears so clearly audible in her voice, and she felt herself choked up with her own tears as she held the phone to her ear, listening to the voicemail, before Kara’s voice cut off. Clutching the phone tightly in her hand, bottom lip wobbling slightly, Lena drew in a long, shuddering breath, before exhaling sharply and clicking the home button. It was childish to make Kara suffer through not knowing where she was, to worry about her as some sort of petty revenge, and Lena knew that it wouldn’t fix anything. She could give her this much at least.

 

           Pressing Kara’s name, she put the phone to her ear as it rang, eyes closed, breathing slowly as she waited. It only rang once, before it was picked up, and she stood there in tense silence for a moment.

 

_            “Hi.” _

 

           Biting her lip, she paused, an ache flaring up in her chest. “We’re fine.”

 

_            “Where are you?” _

 

           “At a hotel. I’m not going to tell you which one.”

 

           Kara paused for a moment, and Lena knew she was biting back the urge to argue. Instead, she let out a faint sigh of resignation.  _ “When are you coming home?” _

 

           Opening her mouth to reply, Lena hesitated. “I- I don’t know.”

 

_            “You can’t live at a hotel forever. You have to come home eventually.” _

 

           “Well it’s more  _ convenient _ for me to stay here at the moment,” Lena snarkily replied, feeling rankled by Kara’s words, even though she knew that she was just upset.

 

_            “How? All of your things are here. And how are you going to explain it to Laurel?” _

 

           Scoffing, Lena crossed her arm over her chest as she brooded. “I don’t know, how are  _ you _ going to explain how much of an inconvenience she is to your life if I bring her home?”

 

_            “I never  _ said _ that either of you were an inconvenience!”  _ Kara snapped,  _ “why do you keep saying that?” _

 

           Making a low sound of protest at the back of her throat, Lena pouted slightly as she jutted her chin forward, staring out at the web of lights in the city. “You implied it.”

 

_            “No. I just- it all came out wrong. I didn’t mean that  _ you _ make it about you; I meant that I …  _ I  _ make it about you. When you’re here, I can’t help but revolve my life around you, because that’s how we work. I take care of you, and you take care of me. But you left, and I had to take care of myself, until Mike … and I’m sorry I blamed you for leaving, but you  _ did _ leave. And now you’re back, and you said you loved me, and I was scared that I would- that I might ruin what I have with  _ him _ by letting myself get too attached to you again. Because I’m still-”  _ she cut off, exhaling sharply, before continuing,  _ “because I’m still your best friend. I still care.” _

 

           She said best friend, but Lena knew what she meant. Kara still loved her, but she’d picked someone else, and she didn’t want Lena to come back and ruin something that was good for her. Mike was stable, solid, comfortable. He was something that she could rely on, dependable and nice, and he had been there when Lena hadn’t. If she asked her to leave him, there was a chance that Kara would, but Lena knew that she wasn’t good for her. She couldn’t give her stability, or safety, or anything other than her love. And Kara deserved more than that. Even if she didn’t think that Lena and Laurel were an inconvenience, the fact of the matter was that they weren’t Kara’s responsibility, and she was marrying someone else. Lena couldn’t afford to depend on her, any more than Kara could afford to let herself get caught up in her old feelings for Lena. It was better for both of them that Lena keep her distance.

 

           “I know,” Lena murmured, “and I want you to be happy.”

 

_            “I’m not happy when you’re not here. I miss you.” _

 

           Wiping her cheeks, finding them wet with tears she hadn’t even realised had been forming, Lena sniffed, pressing her lips into a hard line as anger simmered inside. “I miss you too. I just- I’m doing what’s best for me and Laurel right now. I can’t see you without feeling angry, okay? I’ll come home eventually, I just … I need time. So much has changed. I need time to figure out my place here. I need time to not be hurt.”

 

_            “Okay,” _ Kara hoarsely replied,  _ “I understand. And I’m sorry.” _

 

           “You don’t have to keep saying it; it won’t make a difference,” Lena flatly replied.

 

_            “I know, but I want you to know it anyway.” _

 

           “I do.”

 

           They lapsed into silence for a moment, and Lena let out a wispy sigh, running a hand through her hair, her eyes burning with tiredness as she stood near the window, staring out at the darkness and pinpricks of light, the lateness of the night bearing down on her. Eventually, she cleared her scratchy throat, regret welling up inside as her anger fizzled out, leaving her empty.

 

           “I should go. It’s late.”

 

_            “Right.” _

 

           Before Kara could say anything else, she hung up without any warning or another word, letting out a shaky breath as she let her hand drop down to her side, phone screen lighting up the dimly lit hotel room, and her sadness weighing down heavily on her. Crawling into bed after that, wearing one of Kara’s sweaters that she’d packed - by accident, she told herself - she stared up at the ceiling for hours, until the sky was starting to lighten outside the window, turning from inky blackness to a deep navy.

 

           True to her word, she came back to visit her mom the next day. Eve watched Laurel again while she napped, and Lena played chess for forty minutes, picking up where they’d left off, until she left again. Hank no doubt knew of her visits, and their conversation was being recorded and no doubt reported back to him, but he didn’t tell her to stop, even though she was barred from going back to work. She had nothing better to do, except try and fix one of the many problems springing up in her life, especially when she had no intention of fixing other ones just yet. It was just her and Laurel, and that was enough for her, even if it wasn’t what she’d wanted.

 

           Her life followed that routine for the next two weeks. Each day, she booked a new room for the night, moving floors, moving wings of the hotel, trying to keep anyone watching off her tail. She wandered through the city with Laurel, taking her places she enjoyed, watching as the Christmas decorations went up and the rain showers became more frequent. They at room service every night, had breakfast in one of the hotel restaurants, and ate lunch while they were out. Kara called every day, sometimes up to five times a day, with increasing urgency. Lena ignored them all, as well as the texts. She ignored them off Alex, and Sam and Winn too. Even James tried to get ahold of her, even though she’d never been as close to him as she had been with the others. 

 

           She managed, even though she missed her friends, missed Kara, but there was that part of her that wanted to prove that she wasn’t an inconvenience. Although Kara’s words had dug deep, she knew that they weren’t entirely true. If anything, Kara relied on Lena more. Lena paid the rent for their apartment, their bills, bought all the furniture, did the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry. When she was home, she did everything, and Kara got to go to work and play the fun Aunt Kara when she was home, bringing takeout and sugary treats with her. It was Lena who had to do all the hard things, yet she’d never held that against Kara. She’d been eighteen, and Kara twenty, when they’d first met, and she’d made the conscious choice to grow up and be a parent, while Kara had enjoyed herself, partying and dating, and doing whatever she pleased. Lena wasn’t an inconvenience. She knew that. Yet there was the tiny voice that told her that perhaps it was mildly annoying for her friends to babysit for her, to have to look after her daughter while she dealt with her awful family, putting them all in danger just because she loved them all too much to turn her back on them.

 

           It became a matter of pride, that she could handle herself just find at the hotel. For two weeks, she had visits with her mom, talking and playing chess, and taking Laurel out, and having as much fun as she liked while she was left benched. She didn’t have to worry about the cooking or the cleaning, and her investments in real estate and the stock market left her with a large sum in her bank account, and no concerns for how much the lavish hotel was costing her. She got to be the fun mom for a change, going to the movies and eating as much popcorn and candy as they wanted to, going to the trampoline place and teaching her daughter how to jump really high, going bowling and putting the sides us as the ball bounced from side to side, playing arcade games for four hours on Thursday, just because they could, and going to the carnival three times in one week, collecting thousands of tickets, until Laurel could get the huge, garish yellow duck on the top row. It was all going perfectly until Laurel got the chickenpox. 

 

           Lena wasn’t sure when her daughter might’ve contracted it, only that a few days before Laurel came up with the beginnings of a rash, she, herself, had a headache and a mildly sore throat. Taking some aspirin, she’d gotten on with things, but then Laurel had come up with a rash, and she’d known what it was immediately. But she’d forgotten that she’d never had chickenpox as a child, and the next day, after a sleepless night of trying to keep her daughter from scratching her itchy blisters, she woke to a rash starting to spread across her own skin. Stuck inside the hotel room, unwilling to leave in case she spread the disease, she tried to ignore her own itchy skin as she held her daughter close, trying to stop Laurel from scratching as she cried, her skin hot to touch, even when Lena gave her cool baths.

 

           Burning up herself, her throat slightly hoarse and her whole body prickling with discomfort, Lena finally had to swallow her pride after weeks. Picking up her phone, she scrolled through her contacts until she found the name she was looking for, and letting out a soft sigh, she pressed it. It rang a few times before it was answered, and she could hear the sound of voices and activity in the background.  _ “Hello?” _

 

           “Sam. Hi.”

 

_            “I didn’t think I was ever going to get a call back,”  _ Sam lightly replied, although there was an accusation behind the words,  _ “how are you? We’ve all been worried sick. I mean, we figured that you were  _ okay _ , but … we’ve missed you.” _

 

           Choking on a laugh, Lena blinked back tears, “I’m sorry. I just- I needed some space.”

 

_            “From Kara. Right. There’s already enough space between us though. You know I can understand better than anyone else.” _

 

           “I know,” Lena mumbled, feeling ashamed as guilt welled up inside.

 

           Quietly sighing, Sam’s tone softened as she replied,  _ “sorry, I don’t mean to be a dick. I’ve missed you. Really. It feels worse, knowing that you’re home, but not having you around.” _

 

           “Yeah.”

 

_            “So you’re coming home? What changed your mind?” _

 

           Letting out a shaky breath, Lena’s shoulders sagged slightly. “No, I’m- I’m not. I just- I need your help.”

 

_            “My help? You’ve been ignoring me for weeks and  _ now _ you want my help?” _

 

           “Laurel has chickenpox.”

 

_            “Go and buy some calamine lotion. Make sure she has lots of fluid and rest. Give her lukewarm baths too, and maybe get some mittens so she doesn’t scratch at the scabs.” _

 

           “I can’t leave the hotel. I-I have it too.”

 

           Letting out an exasperated sigh, Sam was quiet for a moment,  _ “okay, give me an hour. I’ll see what I can do.” _

 

           “Thank you,” Lena gratefully breathed, relief washing over her at the fact that she would finally get some real help, from a nurse, who knew how to take care of unwell people, and calm down sick kids. 

 

_            “Don’t thank me yet,” _ Sam darkly replied,  _ “but you owe me a cup of coffee for this. After you’re not diseased anymore.” _

 

           Weakly laughing, Lena’s lips curled up into a smile as a warm feeling kindled in her chest. She felt like a bad friend for ghosting Sam, and she realised just how much she’d missed her. But she’d always been Kara’s friend first, and Lena wasn’t sure whether she’d side with Kara on principle, and Sam had always been there to take care of Laurel when her and Kara couldn’t, and out of everyone, Lena felt like it was Sam who would’ve been inconvenienced the most by this. Still, there was no excuse for being a bad friend, and she was genuinely sorry as she promised that they’d get coffee and told Sam the name of the hotel and her current room number.

 

           Hanging up, she walked back over to Laurel, who was fitfully sleeping, a pair of socks covering her hands so that she couldn’t get at the blisters, and Lena perched on the edge of the bed, brushing dark, damp curls out of her face and pressing her hand against the feverish tanned skin, a concerned look on her face. Of course, Lena knew that most children got chickenpox at some point, and she’d been lucky enough to never have to go through it, being homeschooled until she was sent away to boarding school, and missing the typical age range to catch it. Her google searches for help assured her that they should be back to normal in roughly two weeks, but she hated seeing her daughter in so much discomfort, unable to understand it as well as Lena could. Laurel didn’t care that the blisters could scar if she irritated them too much, she only cared about the fact that it itched and she wanted to scratch at it until it went away. Hoping that Sam got there soon, she patiently waited with her daughter.

 

           As promised, an hour later there was a knock on the door, and intense relief washed over Lena as she scrambled off the bed and quickly crossed the messy room, too preoccupied to care about the fact that she hadn’t tidied up or let the hotel maids in to change the towels and bedding. Sliding across the chain, she pulled the door open.

 

           “Thank  _ God _ you’re- what’re  _ you _ doing here?” Lena said, her tone changing from relief to accusation, as the resigned look stiffened into a stony look at the sight of Kara.

 

           She was wearing a plaid shirt with jeans, a puffy coat pulled on over the top and her first aid kit in hand, which she raised slightly in reply. “Sam sent me. I’ve had chickenpox before; I can’t catch it.”

 

           Blocking the doorway, Lena gave her a cold look. “I told you I didn’t want to see you.”

 

           “I know, but Sam is twenty hours into a thirty-six hour shift, and everyone else is at work too, so … I’m the best you’ve got.”

 

           “I don’t need  _ you _ to take care of  _ my _ daughter for me.”

 

           She started to close the door, and Kara’s hand came down firmly on the wood, stopping it in its tracks as she pushed back against Lena’s strength. “Wait! Wait, wait, wait. I know you’re mad at me, but think about Ducky. Don’t make her suffer just because we fought. Let me help you, and then I’ll go. I promise. Just … let me do this one thing for you. I can’t make things right with you, but I  _ can _ do this for your daughter.”

 

           Hesitating for a moment, she could see the foolishness of trying to tackle this alone, and as difficult as it was to swallow her pride, to admit that she needed Kara’s help, she knew that she couldn’t let Laurel wallow in the uncomfortable prickling feeling of the rash as she burned up with a fever. Swallowing her objections, Lena nodded and stepped back, letting Kara into the messy room and shutting the door behind her.

 

           Stepping around dirty clothes strewn across the floor, abandoned toys and a pair of Lena’s shoes, she dumped her first aid kit and the bags she carried on the mahogany dining table sitting in one corner. Quickly walking over to the windows, she parted the velvet drapes, letting in pale sunlight, and cranked open the windows, letting in a flood of cold air, which soothed Lena’s hot skin as soon as it washed over her. Crossing over to the bed, Kara pressed a hand to Laurel’s forehead, brow creasing with a slight frown, and pulled back the covers, revealing the thin body covered in the trademark dotted blisters of chickenpox. 

 

           Moving over to her bags, she rifled through the contents, pulling a few store bought things out and making a pile on the wooden tabletop. They didn’t speak as Kara got her things organised, and Lena hung back, her eyes flickering from her daughter to her friend with growing agitation.

 

           “Here,” Kara suddenly said, breaking her out of her thoughts, thrusting a small box at her. “Take two Tylenol. It’ll make the fever and headache go away.”

 

           Taking them and mumbling her thanks, Lena walked over to the decanter of still water and poured herself a glass, knocking the pills back and draining the rest of the water. Kara moved over to the bed with a few things from her first aid kit and a bottle of children’s  _ Tylenol _ , gently shaking Laurel awake, giving her a loving smile as the little girl blinked up at her and then realised who she was and gave her a weak hug. Easing her down onto a pile of pillows, Kara spoon fed her two measures of the medicine, handing her a glass of water that Lena brought over for her, and then felt her flushed cheeks.

 

           “Hey, Little Duck,” Kara murmured, “mind popping this in your mouth for a sec? You feel a little bit warm, so I just want to check that you’re okay.”

 

           “It’s itchy,” Laurel complained, her bottom lip quivering as she looked up at Kara with big brown eyes. 

 

           Smoothing her dark hair, Kara gave her a grim smile, “I know, honey, but I’m going to help you get better. I fix people, remember? Now, how about we take your temperature, hm? Just like you do with the thermometer I got you, remember?”

 

           Obediently letting Kara still the little device in her mouth, Lena watched as Laurel shifted on the bed, her hands still covered with the socks, and she grimaced. As if sensing her intense stare, Kara turned to face her, gesturing offhandedly to the table. “There’s some baking soda, oatmeal and a pair of pantyhose. Put the oatmeal in the pantyhose, tie it up, and then put that and some baking soda in the bath and turn the taps on. Lukewarm water; not too hot.”

 

           Making herself useful, Lena did as directed, her hands working quickly, and she disappeared into the large, marble bathroom, placing the parcels of oats in the massive corner bath and sprinkled some baking soda out of the packet, before turning the taps on. Sitting down on the cool floor, relishing the soothing touch of the frigid stone, she listened to the sounds of Kara and Laurel’s voices, her eyes pricking with tears as she listened to the quiet laughs and the tenderness of Kara’s voice. 

 

           She stayed there as the bath filled, until Kara wandered in, carrying Laurel in her arms as the little girl nestled her dark head into Kara’s shoulder, looking mournful as she looked down at Lena with tired eyes. Stripping her off, Kara set her in the warm water, before she looked over at Lena. “You too.”

 

           Pausing for a moment, Lena pushed herself to her feet and hesitantly pulled the t-shirt she was wearing over her head, before the rest of her clothes followed. Trying not to feel embarrassed, knowing that Kara had seen her undressed before, Lena climbed into the bath, telling herself that it wasn’t any different to all the other times they’d gotten changed or bathed in front of each other. Only her feelings were different, and they didn’t play any part in the fact that she was covered in tiny blisters, her skin dotted with the markings of the rash. Quickly slipping beneath the surface of the water, Lena let the tub fill a little further before turning the taps off and resting her head back against the edge of the tub. The water was just warm enough to be comfortable without being too cold, and the oatmeal gave it a strange smell that made her wrinkle her nose as she looked down at the cloudy water. 

 

           Sitting down on the floor, Kara folded her arms on the edge of the bath and leant her chin on top, watching as the mother and daughter soaked in the water, their skin speckled with red dots. They looked more livid against Lena’s pallid skin, but Laurel complained and shifted constantly, agitated as she tried to scratch at them, pulling off the wet socks, only for Lena to patiently tug then back on again and sternly tell her daughter not to take then off again. Kara watched on with a pitying look in her eyes.

 

           “I didn’t know you’d never had chickenpox before,” she eventually ventured.

 

           “Why would you?” Lena defensively asked, “you don’t know  _ everything _ about me. Even less than you think you do, apparently.”

 

           “Lena-”

 

           “How long will this take?”

 

           Closing her eyes, Kara slowly breathed out, before her eyelashes fluttered and Lena met her blue gaze. The diamond on her ring finger winked in the bright light of the bathroom, and Lena quickly looked away as a lump formed in her throat. Anger welled up inside her, but it wasn’t at Kara this time. It was at herself, for her ignorance, her cowardice, her complete and utter lack of self awareness. How could she have not known that she loved her? How could someone so kind and beautiful and perfect for her have been there all along, holding out her heart to her, ready for the taking, and Lena have not known that that was exactly what she wanted? The answer was clear - it was all attributed to her childhood, to a household with no love, to her difficulty feeling and expressing emotions - but it wasn’t good enough for her. She should’ve known. If she’d known, things might’ve been a lot different right now.

 

           “Stay for as long as you have to, as long as you can bear it. I’ll wait,” Kara said, climbing to her feet. Lena wasn’t entirely sure that she was talking about just the bath.

 

           Leaving the bathroom, Kara shut the door behind her, leaving Lena alone with her daughter, and Lena slumped down in the water, giving Laurel a smile as she trailed her fingers through the cloudy water, sending ripples radiating outwards from her touch. Lingering in the bath until the water was cold enough that their matching fevers had cooled considerably, Lena climbed out and wrapped herself in a towel, before helping Laurel out and likewise wrapping her in a towel too. Carefully patting them both dry, she put on her underwear and threw on the hotel robe hanging on the back of the door, and led her towel clad daughter out into their room.

 

           Kara had kept herself busy while they wallowed in the bath, tidying up the place, making the bed, folding the dirty clothes into a pile on the wooden desk, binning the wrappers of snacks taken from the mini bar and righting the throw pillows on the velvet sofas. It looked a little less slovenly, and Lena silently thanked her as she walked out of the bathroom, ushering Laurel forward, her headache receding and her skin feeling slightly less sensitive after the bath.

 

           As she led Laurel over to the bed, sitting her down on the edge, Kara came over with a tub of cream, quickly pressing her hand against the little girl’s forehead, and then cheeks, seeming satisfied that she was cooler than before, and then set about slathering calamine lotion all over her. Without complaint, Laurel let Kara rub cream all over her, laughing as the paramedic made jokes and spoke in funny voices, trying to take her mind off it. Finishing it off, Kara slipped a pair of mittens onto Laurel’s hands and kissed her on the cheek.

 

           Climbing to her feet, she rounded on Lena, who was leaning against the windowsill with her arms crossed over her chest, and gave her a grim smile. “Your turn.”

 

           Reaching out a hand to take the cream, Lena gave her an expectant look as Kara clung to the tub. “You won’t be able to reach everywhere,” Kara stated, shrugging slightly as she gave Lena an apologetic look. “It’ll be quicker if you just-”

 

           “Fine,” Lena flatly replied, quickly sweeping her damp, dark hair up into a messy bun and shedding the hotel robe.

 

           Crossing her arms over her chest, she stood stiffly in the space between the window and the bed and let Kara rub the lotion into her skin, her touch gentle over her back, over her shoulders and neck, gliding along the back of her arms and down her thighs and calves. Eyes closed, Lena was rigid and stiff with unease as she let Kara quickly get on with it, her skin prickling with goosebumps as she tried to swallow her discomfort and let her friend rub the lotion in. 

 

           Reaching all the hard spots for her, Kara rose to her feet and handed Lena the tub, leaving her to finish off the rest, which Lena was grateful for. Turning her back on her, giving herself some privacy, without making a big deal out of it, she covered her chest, stomach and face with the cream, getting all the places Kara had left, until she was completely covered and the itchy feeling was soothed.

 

           Staying to make sure Lena knew to take  _ Tylenol _ as often as she could, and satisfied that they’d both drunk enough fluids to not be dehydrated, Kara left instructions for rest, oatmeal and baking soda baths twice daily, and left three tubs of calamine lotion for Lena to rub in as often as necessary. There was also a pair of adult mittens, which Lena was horrified to see, and refused to put on, stubbornly raising her chin and insisting that she had enough self control to resist scratching herself when Kara handed them to her. With hesitant orders to call her if she needed anything, and bit back attempts to coerce Lena into coming home, Kara kissed Laurel goodbye and took her first aid kit with her.

 

           Sitting on the bed, calamine lotion drying on her skin and a heavy feeling weighing down on Lena, she grit her teeth and told herself that she was fine by herself. But the truth was that she missed Kara, and she didn’t care if she was engaged, or if she didn’t want to be with her; they were friends first. Always. One of their biggest fears had always been letting something personal come between them, and they’d avoided letting trivial things jeopardise their relationship for so long, that it felt stupid to let this ruin their friendship now. Besides, Lena missed her apartment. She didn’t want to stay in the hotel forever, and she missed the sounds of her friend coming home late, the smell of fresh coffee that Kara put on in the morning when she dragged herself in after a long shift, she oddly missed the smell of disinfectant that clung to Kara’s uniform, and the first aid kit always just inside the front door. She missed her bed, and the sound of singing coming from the shower, and her  _ own _ laundry detergent - not the unfamiliar one the hotel dry cleaner used - and a good home cooked meal, with real vegetables. 

 

           As the day wore on, her itching returned, and she covered her and Laurel in more lotion, finding herself restless in the confines of the room. Christmas was coming up, and they should’ve had a tree set up, covered in tinsel and lights and baubles. There should’ve been a growing stack of presents as Kara and Lena stayed up late, drinking wine while they wrapped the huge pile of kids presents, and the ones they’d helped each other buy for their friends and family. She’d been planning on giving Kara a thin silver bracelet with a tiny sapphire and diamond set in it, one of the few pieces she hadn’t sold, but now she didn’t even know if she’d see her for Christmas. The growing feeling of homesickness took root inside her, growing at a rapid rate, and she knew that talking to Sam and seeing Kara within a matter of hours had made her heart ache more than she cared to admit. She missed her life, and she knew now that she didn’t need space to be independent. She could be that by herself; it was just a matter of choosing which parts of herself she shared with people, and what help she accepted. It didn’t  _ have _ to mean that she ignored everyone and let a rift grow between her and her friends.

 

           With a growing realisation, she realised that she was going about this all the wrong way. Hiding in a hotel wouldn’t help anything; she had to go and assert herself in her own home, not let herself give in to the part of her that was telling her to go and curl up and nurse her wounded pride in solitude. By the time the sun had set, she found herself with her bags packed, her hotel fees paid, and her car being brought out front by a valet. 

 

           Soon enough, she was slipping her key into the lock of her front door, turning it and letting herself in, trying to juggle the dozing child she carried, and the duffel bag in hand, as she nudged the door open with her foot and slipped inside. It was only a few moments later that Kara’s head poked out of the living room, her eyebrows rising in surprise at the sight of Lena in her own apartment. Pausing for a moment, Lena kicked the door gently shut and dropped the bag to the floor, taking a more secure grip on her daughter as she gave Kara a blank look.

 

           “She missed you,” she eventually told her, jerking her head down to the sleeping figure in her arms.

 

           Nodding, Kara understood that Lena was including herself in that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no, kara is not off the hook, yes, lena is home. some of y'all seem to forget what real human emotions are sometimes, no offence. nothing's fixed and they're both flawed people


	28. Chapter 28

            Things at home were slow to heal, with Lena’s pride being too great for her to let Kara do anything for her or Laurel, except begrudgingly accept help rubbing calamine lotion into her spotted skin twice a day, and Kara knowing that if she was too overbearing with her eagerness to make amends for her badly worded attack, Lena would only pull away further. Yet Christmas was approaching, and Lena’s icy demeanor had to thaw out slightly in order to let things seem normal for the sake of her daughter. The three of them put the tree up together, Lena and Laurel trying not to itch as they attached baubles to the tree and let Kara unknot the bundle of twinkling lights, and Kara helped her wrap the pile of gifts for Laurel, both of them making halting, uncomfortable chit chat every so often to try and diffuse the tension. Things weren’t good between them, but they were together, and they were trying, and that was all that mattered. As self-righteous as Lena felt in her hurt, she knew that she’d hurt Kara too, and she understood that it would take time for them both to get over that.

 

            Still, Christmas helped. By the time the day rolled around, Lena and Laurel were on the outs of the chickenpox, their dotted skin free of most scabs, and the contagious period well past, and they both accompanied Kara to Alex’s house for dinner, bearing gifts and expensive wine. Everyone was there, with the addition of Eliza, and of course, Mike, and Lena felt slightly chastened by everyone’s presence, with them all making a fuss at her being there with them all after so long, even though she’d been home for nearly a month by that point. She’d seen Sam, for the promised cup of coffee, taken in the kitchen of her apartment, as well as Alex on most days, but Winn and James had been busily absent, and Kara hadn’t invited Mike around, although Lena hadn’t told her not to.

 

            It was a tense Christmas, to say the least, although that was mostly just on Lena’s end, sitting sullenly at her end of the table, listening to the conversation that washed over her. Mike was the most vocal, and he’d been friendly towards Lena when she showed up, as usual, and she’d swallowed her dignity for a moment to congratulate him on his engagement to Kara, asking a few polite question about work and what he’d been up to for the past few months, before escaping that conversation with much relief. She’d taken solace with Sam and Winn, the three of them sitting on Alex’s sofa with glasses of wine, chatting quietly about their plans for the New Year. 

 

            Other plans were talked about to, with Mike talking about his plans for him and Kara. Lena listened to them quietly, offering no objections, even though she silently criticised them all. Occasionally she’d sneak a glance at Kara, wondering if she agreed with what he was saying, taking in the indifferent look on her friends face as she listened to her fiance talk.

 

            “Well of course, we’re moving to the suburbs,” Mike said, matter of factly, and Lena frowned, knowing that Kara loved living in the middle of the city, and had always said she’d hate to live further out, and so far away from it all. 

 

            “What about work?” Lena interjected.

 

            Mike met her gaze, his eyebrows rising slightly. “Well, I’ll drive in every day.”

 

            “And Kara? She works long hours; it’s probably a bit of an inconvenience to have to drive an hour in for every shift, and then home afterwards.”

 

            Waving the hand gripping his fork dismissively, Mike let out a condescending laugh, flashing her a smile as he set the cutlery down and reached for his drink.  _ “Oh, _ for Kara. Well she’s quitting when we get married.”

 

_             “Quitting?” _ Alex spluttered, shooting her sister an accusing look.

 

            Kara shrugged nonchalantly, taking a sip of wine, while Lena pressed her lips into a thin line to keep the objections on the tip of her tongue safely inside her mouth. Mike continued, as if it wasn’t a shocking idea that someone who loved her job so much, and worked so hard to save people’s lives, would so readily give up the career she’d built after marrying him. “Yeah, I mean, I’m thirty already, and Kara’s not getting any younger,” he laughed, “so we’ll obviously be trying for kids pretty soon. With such a stressful job, it just makes sense for her to stay at home. I’d be able to support us both on my salary, even through her pregnancy.”

 

            “Kids?” Eliza said, her eyebrows rising slightly.

 

            Nodding, seemingly oblivious to the tension around the table, Mike continued. “I’d personally like three, so, you know, we’d need to start straight away. And I know Kara wants kids too. Just look how great she is with Laurel.” He smiled at the little girl sitting at the end of the table beside Lena, and Lena busied herself with cutting up the turkey on her daughter’s plate to avoid the conversation. “The house has a big garden too. Plenty of room for them to play.”

 

            “Oh, you’ve already picked one?” Winn asked.

 

            Turning to Kara, Mike gave her a wide smile. “Well, it was a surprise for later … but I found a house that’s exactly what we were looking for, so I put an offer in last week, and ... it got accepted yesterday.”

 

            Kara choked on her mouthful of food, swallowing quickly and reaching for her drink, while Lena watched on with interest, taking in the surprised look in Kara’s eyes. Clearly she hadn’t been discussed about this, and Lena’s irritation flared up, even though she knew it was none of her business. Picking up her napkin, she wiped at her mouth and pushed her chair back, excusing herself from the table and making her way towards the bathroom. Taking a moment to wash her hands, and then flushing the toilet for effect, she made her way back out and prayed that the conversation had moved on to other topics.

 

            They were talking about the specifics of the house when she got back, and she stonily sat there and tuned it out as she picked at the remainder of food left on her plate. Of course Kara was going to move out, and she was going to marry him and have a life with him that came with all the things that a marriage entailed, and if that meant they wanted kids, then of course they should be allowed that. It didn’t mean Lena had to like it, and she wanted Kara to be happy, truly, but this wasn’t how she imagined Kara would want it to be. Someone else making her decisions for her, someone else telling her what was best for her, and when. Kara had always been able to make her own decisions herself. With some irony, Lena realised that she was essentially making Kara’s decision for her by not being honest and telling her that she  _ did _ love her. If she wouldn’t be honest with that, then she had no business interfering with Mike’s plans for her, so Lena pressed her lips together in a flat line and cut up her food.

 

            Drinking as much whisky as she could without showing any signs of her drunkenness, she caught a cab home with Laurel when her daughter started getting tired, leaving Kara at her sister’s apartment with her friends and family. Putting her daughter to bed, with the assurance that she’d play with her toys with her tomorrow, and a quick bedtime story, Lena changed into her pyjamas and made herself some tea. Starting a fire in the empty grate, she curled up on the sofa with a book and Christmas movies playing in the background, missing the company of her best friend and their usual Christmas decisions. 

 

            She was in bed by the time Kara came home, surprised that she  _ did _ come home, and she stared up at the ceiling, thinking of the small wrapped gift she’d left on her friends bed, and wondering if she was opening it a few rooms over. The next morning, Kara was wearing the bracelet Lena had wrapped for her, quietly thanking her as she set a cup of coffee down in front of Lena, before getting ready for work. 

 

            New Year came without fuss, and two weeks later, Kara moved out. Lena hadn’t objected to it, although it hurt her more than Kara possibly knew, but she knew it was for the best. From all the marriage talk she’d endured, it sounded like Kara and Mike were to be married in April, and with January having already rolled around, it stood to good reason that Kara should probably live with the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, to really know how he lived, his routine, whether she could be around him for longer than an overnight stay. In a show of good faith, that things wouldn’t change between, although perhaps they could be improved to what it once was, Lena helped her pack up her things into boxes, lending her her DEO car to transport it all, and buying Chinese food from their favourite place around the corner, unsure of whether Kara would come all the way across town for it, or if she’d find a new place with Mike. If she was surprised by the show of kindness, Kara didn’t say, but she was grateful for Lena’s help, and although she didn’t show it, it made the move just that little bit harder.

 

            It was better for them both though. It gave Lena the independence that she needed, while still having the comfort of her own home, and Kara was able to fully commit to her relationship, without worrying about whether Lena was safe or not. January was a month of big change for them both. Lena went back to work, gratefully back at her desk job as an analyst, with Querl recently back from London, reporting that Imra was doing well. She enrolled Laurel in a private kindergarten, with high security and a whole host of little kids from political figures and billionaires, who were worried that their kids might get kidnapped out of class, just like she was. Kara turned twenty-seven at the end of the month, and Lena joined her for a night out with their friends, getting smashed to ignore the fact that she wasn’t really happy, even if she was coping okay now. 

 

            By the time February rolled around, after being given the chance to breathe on her own and come to terms with her anger in her own right, Lena found herself more easily able to reconcile with Kara. Setting aside their differences, their arguments and confusing history, they fell back into their easy friendship. It was a weight off of Lena’s shoulders, finding herself more eager to be at game nights with her friends, even if she’d been demoted from Kara’s team in favour of Mike, and partnered up with Querl, who became a permanent fixture. After her weeks of absence, it was nice to be able to go out for a few drinks with everyone without feeling the uncomfortable tension between her and Kara, and although no one said it, it was clear that it was more comfortable for everyone. 

 

            She never truly got past their fight though, holding in close in her chest, because there were all those unspoken things building within, and she wouldn’t be able to let it all go until it came pouring out of her. Whether she’d ever be able to let it go, Lena wasn’t sure. It seemed selfish to say those things now, and if it hadn’t been for her unstable anger and grief making her lose all rational thought that night, she doubted she would ever have told Kara in the first place. It was a secret she guarded closely, if not that well, considering the fact that Alex and Sam had both called her out on her hidden feelings for her best friend. Still, the more she buried them, and pretended that they didn’t matter, the easier it was for her to be around Kara. All of their issues stemmed from those feelings, and the hurt that being honest with them had brought and would bring again if allowed to resurface, and although it was cowardly, it was safe. It protected Kara from being hurt, and that was all Lena had ever tried to do for her.

 

            Still, as she turned twenty-five at the start of March, realising that she was supposed to start finding her footing in life now, beginning to get a little too old to blame everything on her youthfulness, Lena found herself more adrift than ever, going through the motions of work, and parenthood, and friendship, without any real course of action. It wasn’t that she didn’t get any satisfaction from her work, bringing in local criminals, piecing together the mysteries of her brother’s massive case, or from watching her daughter grow up, teaching her how to ride a bike and to read, or enjoyment in spending time with her friends, laughing easily as they played  _ Monopoly  _ and argued about who was cheating. She knew she could be happy with her life like that - it had been her life for years now - but she hadn’t realised until she figured out that she loved Kara that she wanted something  _ more _ . 

 

            For years, there had been a confusing emptiness that nothing could fill, a need for  _ something _ , and it had slowly filled over the time she’d known Kara, giving her the love, the kindness, the affection she’d so badly craved her entire life. And Lena didn’t want it from just anyone; she wanted it from Kara. But Kara had moved on, had been planning her wedding for months now, while Lena helped her choose bridesmaid dresses, choose napkin colours and flower arrangements, all the while lying through her teeth that she was nothing more than a friend to Kara. It fractured her heart a little more each day to aide Kara in leaving her for good, but she did it anyway, because it was what Kara wanted, and Lena couldn’t bring herself to hurt her. Kara had said as much that she didn’t  _ want _ Lena to tear things apart for her and Mike, so it was clear that she wouldn’t pick her even if Lena asked her to. At least this way, she still had Kara. Even if it was as her friend, Lena would take it. She hated to feel like a dog begging for scraps of affection from the person she loved with her whole heart, but scraps from Kara were better than the entire heart of someone she didn’t love. 

 

            And it helped, just a little. They slowly mended their friendship over those months, until Kara stopped feeling guilty and trying to make amends, and Lena stopped doubting her place in her friends’ lives, those painful words all but fading from her memory. Things were good. She felt like she had her independence, and her own place, and she even went on a few dates, letting Laurel stay the night at Kara and Mike’s, at Alex’s, and Sam’s and Winn’s, reclaiming a life outside of Kara and her friends. But the spare room in her apartment stayed empty, and the dates were all one night stands, all purely for her to sleep with someone and give herself a release, with no real intention of anything more, and no matter what, she always came back to the family she’d built with Kara. 

 

            The week before the wedding rolled around with Kara’s bachelorette party planned for that Saturday night. With a sitter for Laurel, Lena did her hair and makeup, with Kara, Alex and Sam there too, pre-drinking and helping each other get ready for a night out. They had cheesy sashes to wear, the one for Kara reading  _ Bride _ while the others read  _ Bridesmaid _ and Lena playing along as she put it on over her shirt and smoothed the edge of the sash over her skirt. The more she drank at the apartment, the more she felt confident that she could go through that night, celebrating Kara’s imminent wedding, and she found herself surprisingly calm and resigned to the fact that it was going to happen now.

 

            Catching a cab into town, they hit up one of the most popular clubs in the city, meeting Kara’s coworkers and a few distant friends there too, and Lena bought expensive champagne for everyone, silently toasting Kara as she raised her glass, and giving her a soft smile. The night wore on, and with each drink, the pain was numbed slightly, until it was a dull, barely noticeable ache. But it was still there, and as the hour grew later and later, the girls growing rowdier as they partied hard for Kara’s last night of freedom, Lena found herself sobering up, despite the copious amounts of alcohol that she had consumed. She could barely stand, but a chill washed over her, and the fog that had started to creep up on her was swept away, and with perfect clarity, she realised that she couldn’t stay there any longer. Not without doing something stupid. Saying something stupid.

 

            Without saying goodbye to anyone, she left, hailing a cab and making it back to her apartment, where she paced back and forth for the better part of an hour, sick to her stomach with the thought of the wedding. Her hands shook, and she found it hard to breathe and knew she had to leave, go somewhere. For a brief moment, she considered leaving town for a few weeks. By the time she came back, Kara would be married, and she’d have to live with that. But she couldn’t. She had to do this, for both of them. Or else Kara would wonder why she’d gone, and know that Lena had been lying this whole time. No, she needed to go somewhere  _ now _ . Somewhere where she could blow off steam, do something stupid that wouldn’t involve pouring her heart out to her best friend who was getting married next Saturday.

 

            Slipping into her bedroom, she opened her wardrobe and stood on a small box in the bottom, reaching up to the very back of the top and putting in the code to the small safe stowed up there. Pulling out her pistol, she tucked it into the waistband of her leather skirt and climbed back down, covering the hand grip with her silk shirt, she slipped her heels back on and left the apartment, stepping back out into the dark night and walking to the end of the block to flag down a cab. When she climbed into the back, swaying slightly as the effects of the alcohol crept back up on her, making her feel like this was a good idea, she gave the driver the address and sank back against the old leather seat, her vision turning blurry as she lolled around in the back of the cab.

 

            The car pulled up outside the lit building a while later, and throwing a few bills over onto the front seat, far more than the fare was, Lena climbed out of the cab and staggered towards the front steps. A hulking figure stood in darkness in the alcove of the doorway, even at the lateness of the hour, and he stepped into her path, blocking the way as he looked down at her. Reaching up to pat his shoulder, Lena let out a slurred laugh. 

 

            “Hello, Bruno.”

 

            “Miss Luthor.”

 

            “Is he in?”

 

            Pausing for a moment, Bruno gave her a stiff nod, gripping her upper arm and towing her up the few steps to the front door. He turned the handle and propelled her into the warmth of the foyer. Refracted light was splayed across the room from the crystal chandelier overhead, and in her intoxicated state, Lena swayed on the spot as she stood just inside the door, mesmerised by the lights. A jerk on her arm caught her attention, and she turned to find herself staring at another one of her brother’s people. A woman this time, with dark hair and dark eyes, tugging insistently at her arm. 

 

            Stumbling along the route the woman led her on, past oil paintings of family members and ominous looking fruit bowls, past velvet drapes and gilt mirrors, plush rugs running down the centre of hallways, and vases of fresh flowers giving the house a clean, fresh smell, Lena stumbled in her heels, losing one in the hurried process and kicking the other one off a short while later when she couldn’t keep up with her lopsided limp. Through the warren of joined Brownstones, Lena was led past door after familiar door, the expensive wood hiding sitting rooms, studies, parlours and bigger rooms to entertain, with poker and pool tables. Wealth dripped from the walls, and she felt sick just being there.

 

            It was stupid of her to come, she knew that, but she was tired, and drunk enough to do something stupid. To stop herself from doing something even more stupid, she’d come here instead. Perhaps it was all the visits with Lillian, reminding her of things from her childhood, or perhaps it was just the fact that she was brave with the alcohol warming her stomach, but it seemed like a good idea at the same time as a bad one. If she was a coward for hiding her feelings for Kara, to protect her, then she’d be brave enough to confront this danger.

 

            Eventually, they came to a stop outside a room that was all too familiar to her. It was her father’s office, and now her brother’s, and she’d spent all of her childhood, and into her teens avoiding this room. It never boded well for anyone when they went in there, and she paused for a moment as they approached, until the woman gave her a rough tug towards it. Stumbling barefoot on the plush carpet, she stood outside as the woman knocked on the door and opened it at Lex’s barked question. Lena listened to her meekly tell Lex that she was there, and the woman wouldn’t meet her gaze as she walked away from the room, leaving Lena there by herself. 

 

            Swallowing her doubts, she steeled herself and took a step towards the door, aware of her unkempt appearance, the smell of liquor on her breath and the slight wobble to her gait. Still, she pushed open the door with her head held high, a haughty look on her face as she stepped into the large office. He was sitting behind the desk, wearing a rumpled grey shirt with the sleeves pushed up over his forearms, bald head shining in the lamplight and a cigarette between clamped lips. His lips curled into a smile around the cigarette, and he pulled it from his lips as he breathed out a thin stream of smoke.

 

            “Well, this is a surprise, to say the least.”

 

            Snorting, Lena shut the door behind herself and crossed her arms over her chest, eyeing him with disdain. “Is it? I’m sure you had one of your men reporting back to you the moment I got close enough for you to know I was coming here.”

 

            His green eyes flat and expressionless, he outed the cigarette in the ashtray on the desk and leant back in the massive leather chair. Taking a sip of scotch out of the tumbler beside it, he stared at her, waiting for her to break until the uncomfortableness of the heavy silence. She stood there with a stubborn look on her face, content to wait for as long as it took for him to crack first, playing one of their childish games they’d played so often in their youth. A small smile curled her lips as she waited.

 

            “Why’re you here, Lena?” he eventually asked, his voice quiet and steady.

 

            Letting out a quiet chuckle, she cocked her head to the side, raising her eyebrows slightly in a mocking look. A low growl slipped past her brother’s curled lips, and he threw the glass of scotch against the wall, the tinkling sounds of broken glass clattering to the wooden floor making Lena’s pulse spike. She didn’t so much as flinch though, her unsettling gaze trained on him.

 

            With a sudden fluid movement, Lex was on his feet, chair skittering backwards on its wheels, and he rounded the desk, stalking towards her with a dark look on his face. “I asked you a question.”

 

            Scoffing, Lena rolled her eyes, turning her head to the side. Strong fingers grabbed her jaw and jerked her head around. Staring up at her brother’s face, she resisted the urge to spit in it, a look of contempt curling her lip as she met his cold stare. His fingers were hard against her chin, and she ground her teeth together, refusing to complain. Letting out a derisive snort, her brother shoved her away, her head jerking backwards as she stumbled out of his reach, and he ran a hand over the shadow of stubble covering his jaw and mouth.

 

            “So?”

 

            “I’m here to finish this,” she said, her voice trembling slightly, her palms clammy as her heart pounded loudly in her chest. “Whatever game you’re playing … finish it now. I’m tired. I’m  _ so  _ tired, so just … just finish it.”

 

            Her eyes were shiny with tears by the time she finished talking. Her breath hitching in her throat, and a weariness sweeping over her. It wasn’t just the alcohol either. She’d been tired for months, years even, waiting for this game to end. Yet her brother had never made his move, and no one could bring him in on any real, concrete evidence. It would be futile to try and charge him with things that he could discredit with false eyewitnesses and bribes. But Lena was starting to think that he’d never be brought in, he’d never let her live her life without the looming knowledge that he could make a move at any moment, the constant worrying for the safety of those she loved, and the paranoia that he’d strike at any moment, having tired of messing with her head.

 

_             “Finish it?” _

 

            “Yes.”

 

            “Oh, no,” he said, turning to give her a faint smile. “Not tonight, Lena. Go home. Go to bed. You look like you’ve had a bad night.”

 

            Her anger boiling up, she lashed out, pushing him back, growing angrier as he let out a delighted laugh, budging only a few inches before stepping forward. She pushed him again, hitting his chest as her eyes lit up with a maddening look. “Coward,” she snarled.

 

            Grabbing her wrists and squeezing tightly, Lex loomed over her, his face inches away from her own and his temper growing as she pushed him. “Don’t mistake my patience for cowardice, little sister.”

 

            Fighting him off, Lena scoffed, slapping his hand away,  _ “patience? _ Come on, Lex, you don’t have the mentality for  _ patience. _ What game are you playing?”

 

            Laughing, he gave her a sharp smile, “the long game.”

 

            “What are you waiting for?” Lena snapped. “Do it. If you want to kill me then just  _ do it. _  You said you were going to do it, so do it now. I won't stop you. I don't care. I'm just tired of this game, and I want it to end, so  _ what are you waiting for?” _

 

            From the waistband of her skirt, she pulled the pistol he’d given her a few years ago from its hiding place, her breathing ragged as she watched her brother back up a few paces, hands slightly raised, but an unconcerned look on his face as he watched her. He looked mildly amused, and completely unbothered by the fact that his sister was holding a loaded gun. But Lena was looking at him with a crazed look in her eyes, reaching out and grabbing his hand, before she stepped closer to him. Pushing the hand grip into his hand, she held the barrel up to her head, the muzzle cold against her sweaty skin as she firmly held it in place.

 

_             “Do it!” _

 

            She let go, and Lex stood there for a moment, before he dropped the gun, stroking his chin for a moment, before he sent a backhanded blow across her cheek, making her careen backwards, stumbling over her own drunken feet and sprawling onto the hardwood floor. Softly swearing, Lena hissed in pain, opening and closing her mouth as she gingerly touched her cheek, her balance off-kilter as she staggered upwards, her hand finding the wall behind her for support. 

 

            And then Lex was there, pushing the cold muzzle of the gun up under her jaw, his eyes shining with madness as he bore down on her.  _ “I’m _ not going to kill you, Lena. _ I _ don’t have to lift a finger. You’re killing yourself.”

 

            “What the fuck do you know? Huh?” she spat, her throat bobbing as she swallowed thickly. She wasn’t afraid. He had a gun pressed against the underside of her jaw, but she wasn’t afraid. What difference would it make if she died now or later? Laurel would be safe. She had faith that Kara would raise her daughter for her. And once she was out of the picture, they’d all be safe. It was the most selfless thing she could do for them.

 

            Tutting, Lex reached up with his free hand to stroke her reddening cheek, a slight pout on his lips, and she jerked her head to the side, trying to escape his touch. “I know she’s getting married,” he said, his voice soft, and a pitying look on his face, before he smiled.

 

            “So? What threat is she then?” Lena asked, acting braver than she felt as she flippantly dismissed Kara.

 

            “Oh, no, she’s no threat to me,” Lex quietly said, “but who will you have when she’s gone? Who’s going to love you if she won’t? It’s going to kill you to watch her marry someone else, when you’re in love with her. I  _ know _ you are, don’t bother denying it. I don’t have to do anything to watch you fall apart. And when you’re all alone, and broken, who else is going to look after you? Hm?  _ Me. _ I’m all you’ve got. So, no, Lena, I’m not going to kill you, you’re already going to be dead inside when I come for you. And you won’t fight back. You’ll be too broken to care.”

 

            Removing the muzzle from under her chin, he dropped the gun from her skin and shoved it back down the waistband of her tight leather skirt, before reaching to the side and opening the door. Light from the hallway flooded into the lamplit room, and he stepped away from her, watching her as she slowly unfroze, her chest heaving with panicked breaths, eyes swimming with tears, and hands shaking as she balled them into fists. 

 

            Without another word, or even looking at him, she turned and fled the office, her footsteps hurried and wonky as she rushed down the hallway, making turn after turn through the sprawling house she grew up in, catching sight of a few men or women lurking about and ignoring them as she rushed to get out of the prison. No one stopped her, and as she reached the foyer, she paused for a moment, taking a deep breath.

 

            “Send my congratulations to the happy couple,” her brother’s voice came from the end of the hallway she’d just come from, and she turned to look at him, watching as he leant against a side table, watching her with a cool, smug look on his face, as if he knew he’d already won.

 

            Fumbling for the door handle, she yanked the door open and stepped out into the mild night, Bruno casting her a quick glance, before staring back out at the deserted street. Taking a few teetering steps forward, Lena tripped on the first step and went tumbling down them to the sidewalk below, landing hard on all fours at the bottom, skinning her palms and shins, and splitting open her knees. Bile rose in her throat, a wave of nausea roiling around inside her, and she swallowed it down, a bitter taste lingering in her mouth as she pushed herself up to her feet. 

 

            She had no shoes, no car, and was too intoxicated to drive anyway, and so she took a seat on the bottom steps in front of the Brownstone and fumbled for her phone in the tiny purse she carried with her. Calling another cab, she waited on the step, blood drying on her legs and her mind growing foggier as the amount of alcohol she’d drunk caught up with her. Eventually the yellow cab pulled up outside the address she’d given, and she shakily climbed to her feet and walked over to it, climbing into the back seat and hoarsely giving the driver her address.

 

            Stumbling into the lobby, her pale legs streaked with blood, the soles of her feet dirty from the city streets, and a lost look in her eyes, she must’ve looked a mess to the night security guard, who rose to his feet, calling out to her as she shuffled across the lobby. Waving his concerns aside, she continued on to the elevator, jamming her thumb into the button and waiting for the doors to part, before climbing in and pressing her floor. Laurel was at Sam’s, being looked after by a babysitter with Ruby, so she was home alone, and was relieved that she wouldn’t have to pretend to be okay. 

 

            Inside the empty apartment, she numbly walked towards the bathroom and put the plug in the tub, turning on the hot water and placing her gun on the edge of the sink. Stripping off the tight skirt and the loose silk shirt, she padded back to the kitchen and filled a glass up with the first bottle her hand landed on - bourbon - before carrying it back to the bathroom. Steam fogged up the window, and she set her glass down on the small table sitting beside the bath, dipping her toe into the scalding water and feeling nothing. Fully climbing into the small pool of water gathering in the tub, she slid down into the warmth of it, the water quickly turning pink as the blood on her legs swirled around her.

 

            Slowly drinking her bourbon, making her feel warm inside while the bath took away the rest of the chill, she scrubbed herself clean with one of the decorative shell shaped soaps in the bowl on the side table that Kara hadn’t deemed worthy of taking with her. The bergamot and grapefruit scent was refreshing as she washed away the clinging odour of alcohol and cleaned the cuts and scrapes. Lingering long after the water had started to go cold, and the sun was most likely starting to rise, she eventually climbed out, her movements uncoordinated and clumsy. Slipping on her most comfiest pyjamas, she slipped out onto the balcony and watched the sunrise, and empty feeling in her chest, and she knew that her brother was right. It was going to kill her to watch Kara marry Mike. It would kill her in a way that was even more painful than anything he could do to her, because she loved Kara, and Kara hadn’t picked her. She didn’t love her brother, she didn’t care what  _ he _ did to her, but she cared about what Kara did, and if she married Mike, it would hurt, and Lena didn’t know how she’d cope with that. And she was helpless to stop it, resigned to the fact that she couldn’t be selfish with Kara. Not with this. With the wedding only a week away, there was nothing left for her and Kara now.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna reiterate this AGAIN; I don't know how many chapters there's going to be, the current number is a guide, it takes as long as it takes, and yes, it is, in fact, a very slow supercorp endgame burn

            The following week passed by in a blur, although each moment felt like an agonising eternity at the same time. Each day that passed felt like a death march towards the date of the wedding, and Lena slept terribly, if at all, trying to convince herself that she could do it. The night before, after a long day of rehearsals that made her feel sick, she was shamefully packing a bag to leave town the next morning. Metropolis was the most logical place to go, the place familiar, yet far enough away to hold no memories of Kara, and she considered going there for the weekend, waiting out the wedding, and coming back while Kara was on her honeymoon. Her friend would be mad, disappointed, upset, and it was cowardly, but Lena was protecting herself.

 

            But after a sleepless night, spent staring at the flight she’d bought for herself on the computer screen, her face washed out by the brightness of the screen’s light, she found herself stiffly climbing to her feet as the dark sky outside lightened to a blue a few shades lighter. Running wouldn’t solve her problems. She had to go. Even if it was for some painful closure for herself, to watch her friend tie herself to another man, to be torn out of Lena’s reach forever, she had to do it.

 

            The sky was light outside when she woke Laurel, the merest hint of puffy white clouds, and a warm breeze on the wind blowing through the city. It was a perfect day for a wedding. Both of them showering, and then dressing in something casual, Lena made them both a hurried breakfast, checking the time to make sure she wouldn’t be late to the venue. Making sure she had all of her things, Lena led Laurel downstairs, keeping a tight grip on her daughter’s hand, and they climbed into the back of the Uber that pulled up outside.

 

            It was a long and aching ride to Mike’s golf club, where the wedding was scheduled to take place, and Lena found herself growing more and more restless with every block that passed by. Eventually they were free of the inner city limits, and the buildings grew squatter, with distinct rows of houses in neat suburbs forming before her eyes. They were in one of the wealthier neighbourhoods, and as they passed through the gates of the golf club, she scowled behind her sunglasses as the low white building came into focus in the distance.

 

            Fields of lush green grass spread out on either side of the driveway, shady oak trees lining the path, and Lena caught the glimmer of a blue pond here, a yellow patch of a sandy bunker there, and found her hands growing slick with sweat as she balled them in her lap. Laurel was exclaiming loudly about her pretty it was as she peered out the passenger window, excited at the prospect of being flower girl with Ruby.

 

            Pulling up outside, the Uber idled, and Lena paused for a moment, before thanking the young woman and climbing out, lugging her bag with her and helping her daughter out. As the car turned around on the large, graveled driveway, Lena shaded her eyes and looked up at the building. A few terracotta tiled steps led up to a shaded porch, wrapping around the outside of the white wooden building, and floor length windows let sunlight stream into the lavish club. White double doors led into the airy foyer, already being decorated with the blue and white flowers Kara had picked out. It was beautiful place to get married, Lena had to admit, but as she looked around at all the details depicting the wedding that was about to take place, it just made her feel nauseous.

 

            People rushed past, carrying flowers, carrying crates of wine down a hallway off to the left, to the room the reception was going to take place in, and Lena skirted the edge of the room, catching glimpses of people rush past outside. A woman spotted her a few moments later, hurrying over to ask her what she wanted, and was led down a hallway off to the right, towards the room where everyone was getting ready.

 

            Knocking on the door she was led to, she poked her head inside, taking in the sights of Kara, Alex and Sam in silk robes, while Ruby played on her iPad in the corner, and Eliza chatted to one of the wedding organisers. Hair and makeup were already there, and Sam was already seated in a chair, her hair in curlers, and a woman applying eyeshadow to her closed eyelids. At Lena’s entrance, ushering Laurel in ahead of her and closing the door, she was greeted with a chorus of enthusiastic hello’s, and Kara climbed to her feet, giving her a nervous smile, which quickly wilted.

 

            “You look tired.”

 

            Waving her hand dismissively, Lena gave her a wan smile, “bulb went in my room. You know how I am with the dark.”

 

            A sympathetic look softening her face, Kara reached out to give her hand a quick squeeze, “you should’ve called. You know I would’ve come and changed it for you.”

 

            “I figured you needed your beauty sleep,” Lena said, trying to sound encouraging with her light hearted joke, “big day today!”

 

            “Mhm, I just hope I don’t trip going down the aisle,” Kara said, her eyes widening for a moment, before she laughed and squeezed Lena’s arm. “You’re up next. Do you want some champagne while you wait?”

 

            Shrugging indifferently, Lena soon found herself sitting on an armchair, her clothes exchanged for a silk robe that matched the other women’s ones, and a champagne flute in her hand, which she sipped at as she let the excited conversation wash over her. The babble faded into the background as she sat there, the champagne tasting sour, despite how expensive it was, and her heart thudding loudly in her ears. Eventually it was her turn, and the hairdresser beckoned her over to the low chair, which Lena fell heavily onto, her hand still clutching the glass of champagne, which grew steadily emptier, even though she wasn’t enjoying it. It gave her something to do, some motion to let her pretend that she was there, that she was present and just as excited for Kara as everyone else was. Or was pretending to be, even though more than once, her appearance was commented on, with her dark circles, the sallowness to her cheeks, the way her dress didn’t fit quite right, although it had been tailored to her, or the pasty complexion that the makeup artist couldn’t quite match.

 

            By the time they were done, her face covered by a thick layer of makeup, her hair curled and pinned up into an intricately braided style, and a pale blue satin dress slipped on over her washed out skin, she was feeling even worse. Her hands were shaking as she helped Laurel into the little dress with the tulle skirt that her and Ruby were wearing, their hair in ringlets, and flower crowns resting on top, and her mouth was dry. She crouched in front of her daughter, helping her put her shoes on, while she listened to the voices behind her as Kara was helped into her dress. Shoulders hunched, Lena couldn’t bear to turn around, but she had to.

 

            The skirt fell from Kara’s waist, the mesh bodice was fitted to her slim figure, and the whole thing was embroidered with flowers. Eliza was fixing a veil that was pinned beneath the curled updo, straightening it up, and Kara was holding onto Alex as Sam helped her into her heels. Lena’s breath caught in her throat, and she froze for a moment, before climbing unsteadily to her feet, a wavering smile on her lips as she met Kara’s blue stare.

 

            “Right, something old and borrowed is the hair comb,” Eliza said, gently touching the jeweled comb that was slid into Kara’s gold locks, “and your dress is new.”

 

            “And my necklace is blue,” Kara said, her face softening with a tender smile as she reached up to touch the blue diamond necklace that Lena had given her all those years ago. Not far from the beginning of where it had all started, and tears sprung to her eyes as she thought about Kara getting married to someone else, wearing the necklace that she had given her.

 

            Everything was a daze after that. Before Lena could stop herself, she was soon lining up behind Alex, with Sam behind her, Ruby and Laurel at the back, and Eliza was there with Kara, who was holding a bouquet and smiling nervously, ready to be walked down the aisle by the only parent she had left in the world.

 

            Before she was even ready, although they would’ve been waiting forever if they were waiting for Lena to be ready, Lena was gliding along behind Alex, one of Mike’s groomsmen taking her arm as he escorted her, her eyes fixed to the back of Alex’s head as she moved like she was in a dream. It was like her body wasn’t her own, her mind detached from it, helpless as she walked down the hallway, her hands tightly clutching the bouquet, her eyes dazed and her shoulders stiff. She couldn’t even bring a smile to her lips.

 

            They entered the spacious room to all eyes on them, and Lena’s body kept moving of its own accord, her eyes darting up to the high ceiling, to the light spilling in from the back wall, a line of windows and French doors, showing the golf course to the back of the building. Flowers perfumed the air, an arch of them at the end of the aisle, Mike in a tuxedo smiling as he watched them walk down the aisle, preceding his future wife.

 

            As they reached the front, they veered off to the left, the groomsmen parting ways with their respective bridesmaid’s, and stood in a line off to the side, flanking the flower arch, where the ceremony would take place. Looking out at the sea of faces, Lena spotted Winn, James, Lucy and Querl in the crowd, as well as Imra’s girlfriend, Gayle, and a few other familiar faces she’d seen once or twice. A few of Kara’s coworkers were there, as well as other hospital staff, and Mike’s family were sitting in the front row, his guests occupying the other half of the room.

 

            As soon as they’d all taken their places, Ruby and Laurel came down the aisle, flower petals scattering before them, and Lena’s lips twitched up into a smile at the sight of her daughter, being guided forward by the older girl beside her, and she felt her heart twinge with overwhelming love for her. Focusing on that, on the fact that her daughter was the most important person to her, the only person whose job it was for Lena to protect, to make decisions for and look after, Lena told herself that she could make it through the ceremony.

 

            But then Kara was coming down the aisle, with Eliza escorting her, and the air rushed out of Lena’s lungs. Although she’d been there with Kara, watching her get ready, had seen her in her dress already, had been with her up until leaving the room before her a few minutes before, it still felt like a blow to the stomach seeing her there at the far end of the big room. Everyone was looking at her, the photographers snapping photos, and Lena couldn’t tear her eyes away, drinking in the sight of the dress, of how beautiful Kara looked, of the wide smile splitting her face. The smile for Mike. The dress for Mike. The whole day for her and Mike to tie themselves to each other.

 

            Looking away, feeling suddenly overwhelmingly sick, Lena felt the blood drain from her face, a faint, lightheaded feeling washing over her as she stood wedged in beside Alex and Sam. A cold sweat broke out on her brow, and she clutched her bouquet with trembling hands, pressing her lips together to stop her bottom lip from wobbling. But there were a few tears in the room, and her own glassy eyes went unremarked upon as she stood there, each step a slow agonising blow to Lena’s already wounded heart.

 

            As Kara neared the front of the room, taking her place before the arch, across from Mike, who gave her a bright smile, Lena took a step back, nearly bumping into Sam, who reached out to steady her. Giving her arm a quick squeeze, Sam gently urged her back to her spot. And then with a sudden gut-wrenching feeling of wrongness, Lena realised that she couldn’t stay there. The room felt suffocatingly hot, her dress too tight, the air sickly sweet from the flowers, and Lena felt herself starting to panic, her heart thundering in her chest.

 

            The sound of the celebrant’s voice washed over her, and Lena swayed slightly on the spot, her vision wavering slightly as she stood there. And then, without a single word, without a glance in Kara’s direction, or so much as a sound, she took a step back and moved out of line. Her heels clicked against the tiles as she hurried towards the side door, her face flushed red as she felt eyes turn to her, the sound of her heels disruptively loud as they punctuated the celebrant’s words about love and dedication.

 

            Feeling eyes burning into her back, Lena reached for the door handle and all but burst out into the hallway, gently closing the door behind her as she sucked in a grateful lungful of cold air. Pressing a hand to her forehead, her brow hot and sweaty beneath her clammy palm, she quickly wandered further down the hallway, her panicked breathing slowing slightly as she limply held the bouquet in one hand and tried to calm herself down, making for the exit.

 

            “Lena!”

 

            She slowed at the shout, her shoulders going taut beneath the pale blue bridesmaid dress. Unable to bring herself to look at Kara, and cursing the fact that Kara had followed after her, she swallowed the lump in her throat and stared straight ahead.

 

            “Are you feeling okay?”

 

            Closing her eyes, Lena swallowed thickly, her voice hoarse as she replied, “go back inside.”

 

            “Do you need to go outside for some air?”

 

            “I have to go … to work,” she lamely replied, her voice uncertain and trembling.

 

 _“Work?!”_ Kara spluttered from the end of the hallway, “what do you mean?”

 

            Coming to a stop, she closed her eyes as she sighed. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she fought back the emotions that rose within her, head bowed and shoulders hunched. “Go back inside, Kara.”

 

            “No. Not until you tell me what’s wrong. Are you sick? You don’t look well. Is it your brother?”

 

            Tears stung Lena’s eyes, and she let out a shuddering breath as she turned around, her shoulders slumping in defeat as she faced her friend. Kara had moved closer, shortening the distance between them, a concerned look on her face as she reached out for Lena. With a pleading look in her glassy green eyes, she gave Kara a small smile, soft, despite the bitterness it held. “No, I just- I’m sorry. I can’t- I have to go.”

 

            “Wha- are you serious? It’s my wedding, Lena. I’m getting marri-”

 

 _“I know!”_ Lena shouted, her swimming eyes overflowing and sending tears running down her sallow cheeks. Sniffing, she reached up and rubbed them away, letting out a choked sound as she quickly tried to make sure she didn’t ruin her makeup. It was all waterproof anyway, intended to stop her makeup from running when she cried with happiness for her best friend, but it worked well to keep her makeup immaculate as she cried with heartbreak at the fact that Kara was getting married. “I know. And I can’t be here for that.”

 

            “What?” Kara asked, her voice quiet and her face screwed up with confusion. _“Why?”_

 

            “Because I love you,” Lena firmly told her, her breathing hitching and her tone pitifully small and full of pain as she crumpled. “I love you, and I can’t watch you marry someone else.”

 

            Taking a step back, Kara’s face crumpled into a frown as she shook her head, bewilderment clear in her blue eyes, as well as wounded look of betrayal. Tears started to form, and Lena let out a choked sob as she took a step towards her, guilt rising up inside as she couldn’t keep her feelings locked away any longer.

 

            “Why’re you doing this now?” Kara asked, her face ashen and stiff, a numbed air about her as she stood limply before Lena, her eyes disoriented as she scrambled to understand. “I don’t- you said that you didn’t. Why are you-”

 

            “I know, but I lied,” Lena quietly admitted, fighting back more tears, “but I love you. Of _course_ I do. How could I not?”

 

            “I don’t understand,” Kara said, tilting her head to the side as she stared at her with confusion, her eyebrows pulled together in a frown, “you said you’d never- that we were only friends. You _lied_ to me? I- I don’t- you said-”

 

            Pressing her lips into a thin line, Lena nodded, a dark look on her face. “I _know_ what I said.”

 

            “You let me think for all those months that you didn’t …”

 

            “I know, but I love you, okay? How many times do you want me to say it? I love you and I can’t watch you marry someone who’s … _wrong_ for you. He’s not an evil person, but he’s just … not _good_ for you.”

 

            “What, so you want me to pick you?”

 

            Closing her eyes, Lena let out a shaky breath, “no. No, that’s not what I- you know I’d never ask you to do that, I just- I’d _never_ tell you to take cooking lessons, or buy a house without consulting you, or make you quit your job to be a housewife. I wouldn’t- I wouldn’t _tell_ you how many kids we’re having, or parade you around like a trophy. You’re settling for someone who doesn’t deserve you! We all know it! I know it, Alex knows it, Sam knows it, and so does Eliza. God, I bet Mike even fucking knows it himself!”

 

            Her voice rose as she spoke, her temper rising with the frustration welling up inside her as all the truths she’d locked inside came pouring out from her lips, not intentionally, but it didn’t make a difference, because as it all came out in a torrent of hurried words, a burdening weight slowly lifted from Lena’s shoulders. For too long she’d let the lies and unspoken words settle on her shoulders, piling up one by one, until she’d been too burdened to speak them. She’d spent months walking around with bowed shoulders, her head down to the world as she carried the weight of her feelings on her back, shouldering her pain with as much resolve as she could muster. And now, she couldn’t help it. She had nothing to lose now, Lena could see that, because she was going to lose Kara for good, regardless of whether she spoke them or not.

 

            “I’m well aware of what my family thinks. But it’s not up to them to make the decision for me. It’s not up to _you._ Or is that what you’re saying; that _you_ deserve me?” Kara hotly asked, her cheeks flushed red and a stony look on her face, her eyes shining with tears.

 

            Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lena looked away, her lips turning up into a small, bitter smile. “We both know that I’d never be deserving of you. No matter how much- how much I want you.”

 

            “Then why did you make me feel so _unwanted?”_ Kara asked, her voice full of pain as her face crumpled. “You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. You never loved me! I spent months wondering what was so _wrong_ with me that I wasn’t enough for you.”

 

            Choking on a laugh, Lena gave her an incredulous look. “You? _You?_ You’ve _always_ been enough. More than I could ever have dreamed of. Too good for someone like me. But I … _God_ . Me … the problem is me! You think that I don’t know it’s _me?”_

 

            “You were never a problem! Never an inconvenience, or a danger. You were everything to me. _Everything._ I thought you were perfect. No one could ever measure up to you.”

 

            “Then why did you leave me for _him?”_ Lena shouted, pointing a finger accusingly at the closed door they’d both just come out of, where a hundred guests were still assembled, waiting for the wedding to continue, her voice breaking as her breathing hitched slightly. “I came back for _you_ , and you were with _him_.”

 

 _“You_ left _me_ _first,”_ Kara shouted back, tears spilling over, “you left me and you expected me to be fine without you! You left me, just like my parents, and my aunts and uncles, and my cousin. And Mike was there. While you were off in London, _protecting_ me, he was here, ans he _wanted_ me, and you didn’t. And now what? You want me to leave him for you? Because now, at the very last minute, you say you love me? Or do you just want to ruin our wedding?”

 

            Scoffing, Lena blinked back tears, giving her a scornful look as she smiled bitterly. “I never _asked_ you to come after me.”

 

            “But you knew I’d come! Because I- because I-” Kara said, choking on the words as she couldn’t speak them. Closing her eyes, she ducked her head down, looking away.

 

            Lena closed her eyes, her chest slumping as she exhaled softly, the fight draining out of her. “Look, I don’t- I’m not asking for anything. But I can’t stay and watch you marry him. I’ve been hurting for _months_ , and this … this will hurt _too_ much.”

 

            Sniffing, Kara wiped at her face, and Lena let out a shaky breath, fighting the urge to step forward and wrap her in a gentle hug. “I’m sorry,” she softly breathed, her heart aching for her best friend as she hurt her, knowing exactly what it felt like to be hurt like this.

 

            Looking up with blazing blue eyes, Kara angrily scrubbed at her wet cheeks, shoulders stubbornly set, and Lena pressed her lips into a hard line, waiting for the harsh words that would be fairly deserved for causing a disturbance at her friend’s wedding. It was true that she hadn’t asked Kara to choose her, in front of her friends and family, knowing that it would embarrass Kara and ruin the day, but she’d hoped that she could slip out unnoticed, feigning sickness or some emergency. If it had gone as she’d wanted it to, Kara wouldn’t have even turned around. Would never have noticed that she wasn’t there, until the photos afterwards, where she would’ve been noticeably absent. Of course, Sam had watched her leave, her fingers trailing against the back of Lena’s hand in a silent question, her brown eyes silent questioning her and giving her a warning.

 

            “You should’ve told me,” Kara said in a low, rough voice, the words trembling as her bottom lip wobbled, an accusing look in her eyes as she blinked back more tears.

 

            “I wanted you to be happy,” Lena softly said, shoulders squared as she looked to the floor, too ashamed to look at Kara. “I was a coward, and you hurt me. It was best for everyone.”

 

            “Best for _you,”_ Kara corrected her, her voice cracking. “You knew how I felt about you. You knew I would’ve-”

 

            Laughing, Lena arched an eyebrow, a look of amusement lighting up her face, “what, left him for me? No. I’m not _good_ for you, Kara. I can’t give you what you want. And I understand why you settled for him, I do, because he’s safe, and he wanted you, but … you deserve more than settling.”

 

            Letting out a hoarse laugh, Kara shrugged as she gave her a tight smile, “I always thought you were good enough for me. You gave me everything I’d ever wanted. It’s the reason why I fell in love with you.”

 

            As she spoke, the door off to Lena’s right, and further down the hallway, opened, and Lena’s eyes widened slightly, her lips parting to interrupt Kara as Mike stepped out in his tuxedo, an apprehensive look on his face as he stared at the two women. Kara didn’t see him with her back to him, but she went rigid at the sound of her hesitant voice calling out from behind her.

 

            “Kara? Is everything okay?” Mike asked, stepping into the hallway with a wary look on his face, taking in the tears on Lena’s face and the stiff back of his fiancee, trying to read the room. “They’re waiting for us.”

 

            “Lena’s feeling unwell,” Kara thickly told him.

 

            Sniffing, Lena awkwardly cleared her throat, throwing him a thin smile without looking in his direction. “I think I’m going to go.”

 

            “Oh. Okay,” he said, a concerned look on his face, “I hope you feel better.”

 

            Nodding, she looked to Kara, who was looking at her with gut wrenching devastation on her face, and Lena gave her a warm smile, eyes shining as she reached out to give her listless hand a quick squeeze. “You were wrong, you know. That night. You were all I ever saw.”

 

            Turning around, she walked down the airy hallway, head ducked down as she hugged her arms to herself, her body shaking with suppressed sobs. Footsteps didn’t rush after her, voices didn’t call her back, and she was weak with relief as she burst through the door at the end of the hallway, taking a quick left and making her way back towards the foyer where she’d entered.

 

            Staff members milled around, getting ready for the reception, and the dinner and party later on, and they all stared at her as she hurried across the tiled floor, sunlight streaming in through the tall windows, showing the spectacular view of the golf course. Hiding her tears, she rushed out the front door, one hand fisted in the fabric of her dress, and she all but ran down the front porch steps, stumbling as she hit the gravel, her heels tripping over the tiny stones.

 

            Cars were parked around the place, valets taking a break, smoking as they leant against the perfect paint jobs of BMW’s and Mercedes’, and Lena cast them a quick look, before dismissing stealing a car as a way to escape. Beyond them, a golf cart sat abandoned on the fringe of the green, having been used for some task involved with the wedding, and she set off towards it, ignoring the looks.

 

            It was quick and easy to steal it, and she set her heels down on the seat beside her, her bare foot pressed down on the pedal as she rolled over neatly trimmed grass, making her way towards the gate of the club. Stumbling barefoot out of the parted gates, she looked up and down the street, one hand stretched out to hail down a cab, or anyone who wouldn’t mind stopping to pick up a hitchhiker. A yellow car pulled in a short ways away from her, and she scrambled towards it, shoes in hand, gratefully yanking open the back door and climbing in onto the hot leather seats.

 

            Her voice was raspy as she gave the man her address, and as the car set into motion, she sat back against the seat and cried. She cried the whole way back to her apartment, the driver hesitantly asking if she was okay, and when greeted with nothing but quiet sobs, stuck to glancing at her in the rearview mirror every few minutes. Embarrassment and pride couldn’t make her stop, and she let it all out as they sped back towards the city.

 

            By the time the cab pulled up outside, Lena’s sobs had subsided into occasional hiccups and tremors that wracked her body, and it was when they came to a stop that she realised that she didn’t have any money. The driver was pissed, but he seemed more uncomfortable with the fact that he had a crying woman in the back of his car, and kicked her out with a few curse words thrown at her back.

 

            Dragging her feet as she walked towards her building, she numbly pressed all of the buttons on the intercom, until someone buzzed her up. With no key to her apartment, she used one of the hairpins jammed into her mass of dark curls to jimmy the lock, and then bolted and chained herself inside, falling back against the door and sliding all the way down it to the floor. She stayed there for a few moments, her head in her hands as she grit her teeth and tried not to cry, before she was overwhelmed again. Thoughts of Kara in her wedding dress assaulted her mind, memories of her walking down the aisle, towards Lena, only not _to_ her, of the smile reserved for Mike, and the sea of faces in the crowd. As she sat there, her breathing ragged as her chest heaved and hot tears spilled down her cheeks, the bridesmaid dress seemed to constrict, suffocating her as the silk clung to her sweaty skin.

 

            Staggering to her feet, Lena desperately clutched for the zipper, her breathing becoming more ragged as she panicked, her fingers shaking as she tried to undo the dress, growing more and more agitated as she struggled. All but tearing her way out of it, she let it fall to the floor around her, a seam split and the hem dirty from trailing along on the street, and she hurried towards the bathroom, the sharp taste of bile in her throat.

 

            Vomiting into the toilet, she crawled into the shower and curled up on the floor, fumbling for the tap and letting out a shaky, uneven breath as hot water splashed down onto her upturned face. Dragging the hairpins out of her drenched hair, her scalp dotted with pain as she clumsily pulled strands of her hair out in a hurry, she sat on the floor and let the water wash away the tension in her muscles, to no avail. She could’ve sat there all night and it wouldn’t have made a difference.

 

            After scrubbing at her makeup, until her skin was red and raw from the friction of trying to remove it, she shut the hot water off and climbed to shaky legs. Slipping on her silk robe, the fabric sticking to her soaking wet skin, she left a trail of water down the hallway, and grabbed a bottle of brandy still holding a few fingers of amber liquid. Unscrewing the cap, she drained it in a few mouthfuls and set it down on the counter, gasping as it burned her throat and settled in her stomach. Reaching for the next bottle - some white rum - she likewise unscrewed the cap and took a swig, before carrying it over to the kitchen table and sitting down.

 

            Over the course of the next few hours, she emptied a tissue box all over the table, each one wet with her tears or from blowing her nose, and made a collection of bottles on the kitchen counters, making her way through the dregs of her liquor cabinet, growing tipsier and tipsier with each sip. Eventually, her mind was reeling too much, the room swaying as she blinked sluggishly, for her to even be able to feel anything. She was numbed to the dull ache in her chest, sitting slumped in the kitchen chair, her eyes red and sore and her hand listlessly clutching a bottle of cognac.

 

            The sun was setting outside, the sky darkening shade by shade, the perfect day nearly at an end, when there was a knock on the door. No one had called her - she didn’t even have her bag with her - so she didn’t know who to expect, but she didn’t care anyway. Kara would be married by now, having her first dance, or cutting the cake, and her friends would all be there too, with her daughter, and it could’ve been Lex for all she knew, but she didn’t care.

 

            Lurching to her feet, she staggered towards the door, the floor swaying beneath her unsteady feet, and her fingers fumbled on the deadbolt, the chain and the lock, before she yanked it open. Alex was standing there, her short hair windswept, a leather jacket paired with jeans and a t-shirt, and a grave look on her face. In that moment, Lena knew what had happened. In her drunken haze, she still managed to understand, and her knees went weak beneath her as she clutched the doorframe, eyes squeezed shut as the breath came rushing out of her lungs.

 

            “She didn’t do it,” she slurred.

 

            Opening her eyes, she peered up at Alex, who gave her a hard look, her brown eyes disapproving and her lips a thin line. Lena saw the slap coming, but she didn’t try to stop it. It hit her across her left cheek, and she leant into it, feeling the stinging pain lance across her face, head whipping to the side as she was rocked backwards. Taking a few heavy steps backwards, trying to regain her balance, she numbly reached up to touch the tender skin of her quickly reddening cheek, before pressed her lips into a hard line and giving Alex a stiff nod. She deserved it. She knew she deserved it, because Kara hadn’t married Mike, and it was all her fault.

 

            Stepping into the apartment, Alex slammed the door shut behind herself and took a step towards Lena, who eyed her warily. And then Alex pulled her into a tight hug, holding her up as Lena’s legs went out from underneath her, and although she’d thought she was completely spent, she started to cry. This was a different kind of crying, full of relief and guilt, and she let herself be held for a moment as she sobbed into the front of Alex’s jacket, seeking forgiveness from the only person that was there. She’d hurt Alex’s sister, and she had every right to hate Lena, but she’d come anyway.

 

            “Sam’s taken Laurel for the night.”

 

            Letting out a shaky sigh of relief, Lena felt some of the tension inside her fade away, nodding as much as she could as she was pressed against Alex’s shoulder. Forcibly pushing her back, Alex met her glassy eyes, smelled the alcohol coming off her in waves, and took in the collection of empty bottles and the pile of tissues on the table, before letting out a heavy sigh. Running a hand through her short hair, she jerked her head towards the table and guided Lena towards her chair, steering her by the elbow.

 

            “You know I really fucking hate you right now,” Alex said with a sigh, taking the bottle of cognac off the table and taking a sip, “but I also really fucking love you too.”

 

            Laughing, Lena wiped her face and sniffed, her voice scratchy as she replied, “yeah, because I had the guts to do what nobody else would. So now she gets to hate me, instead of you.”

 

            Flinching slightly, Alex slowly nodded, a solemn look on her face. “That’s … fair.”

 

            They were silent for a few moments, sitting in the darkness of twilight, the last few rays of sunlight sinking down behind the towering office buildings, and Lena hunched over the table, her dark hair falling into her face, as she tried to make sense of the chaotic feelings inside her. Kara hadn’t married him. Whether it was because she loved Lena, or because she knew that, ultimately, Lena was right, regardless of their feelings for each other, she didn’t know, and it didn’t matter. As awful as she felt, she was relieved too. She hadn’t asked Kara to pick her, she’d just wanted to be honest and tell Kara that she deserved better. Lena didn’t think that was her, even though she’d hoped she could’ve been enough. And even if it wasn’t her, Kara had realised her self-worth. In spite of it all, that was the most important thing. That Kara didn’t settle for less than she deserved.

 

            “She won’t hate you forever,” Alex softly said, giving her a grim smile, “but she’s hurt.”

 

            “I know,” Lena hoarsely replied.

 

            “You should’ve told her sooner.”

 

            Nodding, Lena toyed with a tissue, sniffing as she mentally kicked herself for making such a mess of things. She was supposed to be the mess. Nothing else, just her. Kara was supposed to be happy, supposed to be going on her honeymoon and planning on starting her new life with a new husband, in a new house. A life without Lena. But she couldn’t sit by and lie and let Kara make a mistake. Because it was so painfully obvious that it _was_ a mistake, yet no one had said it quite as plainly as Lena.

 

            “You should have told her it was a mistake when she said yes,” Lena softly shot back, too tired to even muster up the energy to argue properly. “You knew she was too good for him, but you let her plan this whole thing. You were going to let her throw her life away. What kind of sister does that make you?”

 

            Bristling slightly, Alex fixed her with a flat stare as she raised the bottle to her lips and took another sip. Setting it down with a thud, she cleared her throat, looking slightly ashamed. “A supportive one.”

 

 _“Supportive,”_ Lena scoffed, a wry smile curling her lips. “Yeah, I tried that too. Somehow, it didn’t make it any easier.”

 

            “I know you love her, but it’s over now. It’s going to be okay,” Alex gently told her, nudging the bottle closer to her, “it’s going to hurt for a little while, but you just- you need to give it time. Okay? You’ll get over her.”

 

            Picking the bottle up, Lena took a long swig of it and set it down on the table, gently running her fingertips over the glass, her eyes burning as she swallowed down her bitter regret. “I don’t _want_ to get over her, and I won’t be okay. Not without her. I know that, because I’ve tried to be okay without her, and it just- I’m not. I don’t know who I am without her.”

 

            “You won’t _be_ without her,” Alex softly reassured her, “she’ll forgive you. Eventually. You’re Kara and Lena. It doesn’t work when you’re not together.”

 

            Tears slid down Lena’s cheeks, and she quickly wiped them away, shifting uncomfortably as she cleared her throat. Taking another sip, she passed the bottle to Alex, and they sat in silence for a few minutes, the tension hanging heavily over them as they each brooded over their own thoughts. Eventually, Lena cleared her throat and looked to Alex, a guilty look on her blotchy face.

 

            “How is she?”

 

            “As well as you can expect,” Alex grimaced, shrugging slightly. “She’ll be okay though.”

 

            Nodding, Lena clenched her teeth, the muscles jumping slightly in her jaw, and she ran a hand through her unruly hair. “I know she won’t want to see me for a while - maybe not for a long while. Will you tell her I’m sorry? I didn't mean to hurt her.”

 

            “Sure, Lena. I’ll tell her,” Alex murmured, pushing her chair back and climbing to her feet. Passing behind Lena, she reached out to give her shoulder her a slight squeeze of reassurance. “You should probably stay away for a while. Just until it doesn’t hurt as much.”


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as requested ...

            Two weeks passed by in a blur. Kara spent it at Alex’s apartment, curled up on the sofa as she ate her way through as much junk food as she could stomach in between bouts of crying. It was strange though because she wasn’t even sure  _ why _ she was crying. In some ways, she felt relieved, amidst all of the confusion and the aching in her chest. But there was an overwhelming amount of guilt too. So much guilt for leaving Mike there stranded, although it had been a mutual decision, in the end, the two of them standing in that hallway, dressed up in their wedding dress and tuxedo, with Kara tearfully trying to explain why she was crying and why Lena had just left in such a hurry. Mike wasn’t stupid; he knew there was more to it than Lena being unwell, and he’d said as much to Kara. It had been wrong all along, and they both knew it at that moment. 

 

            Kara was just guilty about the fact that she had embarrassed Mike in front of all of his guests, leaving him to go back into the hall and tell everyone that the wedding was off. And she’d been too ashamed to go back to his apartment and pack up all of her belongings, hiding out at Alex’s apartment while she left her sister and Winn go there and pack it all up for her. And most importantly, she’d been too upset to see Lena. Two weeks hadn’t dampened that pain, despite the endless drinks to try and numb it. She should’ve been in Hawaii, sitting on the beach, drinking margaritas and working on her tan. Instead, she was curled up on her sister’s sofa, with no job, no home, no relationship and no best friend. 

 

            Eventually, she had to get up though. She had to shower and change out of her pyjamas, pull herself together and sort her life out. Firstly, she rescinded her notice of resignation, and her boss pitifully gave her her job back, although she was told to use the rest of her vacation time anyway, and then she faced a phone call with Mike, apologising to him as she cried over the phone, feeling awful for the way things had escalated and ended between them, although he was as gracious as one could be under those circumstances. He didn’t even shout or get angry, and Kara almost wished he would, because at least then she wouldn’t feel so bad. Lastly, she made the decision to see Lena. It was a hard decision to make, still angry with her, but still in love with her, but ultimately, Kara knew they had to talk, face to face. So much had gone wrong between them because of miscommunication, and although she wasn’t going to Lena with any intentions, she needed to go there and talk to her.

 

            Monday morning, a little over three weeks after the day of her should be wedding, she got dressed and asked Alex to drive her across the city. A wave of homesickness hit her as she let herself into the lobby with the keys she’d never returned, and she felt the beginnings of her anger boil up. So much had gone wrong, and she was partly to blame for letting the farce of a relationship go on with Mike, but it was Lena’s fault too, for lying, for putting so much distance between them, for not telling Kara how she really felt. She should’ve been here, at the place that had been her home for years, reading bedtime stories to her goddaughter and coming home from a long day at work to Lena waiting up, waiting to hear all about the patients she’d saved that day. It made Kara’s eyes prickle with the threat of tears, and she stamped her feelings down as she stepped into the elevator with her sister behind her.

 

            A quick trip up to Lena’s floor and she found herself retracing the familiar path down the hallway and coming to a stop outside of her door, feeling like an outsider as she stood outside, knowing that she had no right to let herself in unannounced. Instead, she knocked on the door and waited, listening to the sounds of footsteps growing closer, and swallowed thickly, her palms sweaty and her heart hammering in her chest. Anger burned slowly inside her - at herself, at Lena, at this entire situation - and she curled her hands into fists as she stonily stared at the door, waiting for it to be pulled open. There was a slight pause as the footsteps stopped on the other side of the door, before the chain was drawn back, the deadbolt unlocked, revealing the sight of her best friend. 

 

            Kara wanted to be angry and had come here to vent, to let all of her frustration and hurt pour out of her, but as she took in the sight of Lena, her smouldering anger evaporated, pity taking its place. Lena looked awful. Worse than Kara had ever seen her, which was saying something, considering the states she’d been in, face beat to a pulp, grief etched into the lines of her bowed body. This Lena looked so defeated and broken that it made Kara want to reach out for her, to wrap her in her arms and hold her close. Those green eyes were empty, a hollow look about them as she stared numbly at Kara, not even showing any surprise. Her cheeks were gaunt, her clothes hanging off her thin frame, and a general air of uncleanliness about her as if she hadn’t washed in days. Judging by the greasy hair and the coffee, alcohol and food stains on her clothes, that  _ was _ , in fact, the case.

 

            “Can I come in?” Kara hoarsely asked.

 

            Silently nodding, Lena stepped aside, and Kara walked in, Alex following behind her, and the door was shut behind her. Peering around the doorframe of the living room, Laurel poked her head out, her face lighting up at the sight of Kara, before she hurtled herself towards her. Dropping to her knees, Kara opened her arms and caught the little girl in a tight hug, a smile softening the hard lines of her face as a warmth spread through her chest.

 

            “Hey, Little Duck,” Kara murmured, closing her eyes as she stroked the dark curls.

 

            “Aunt Kara! You’re home,” Laurel exclaimed, pulling back and giving her a wide smile. Despite the unkempt appearance of Lena, her daughter looked happy and healthy, well fed with sparkling brown eyes. She was wearing a yellow  _ Power Ranger  _ costume, and her hair was neatly brushed and fixed with little hair clips. “I’ve missed you.”

 

            Kissing her on the cheek, Kara smiled back brightly at her, holding her at arms length and giving her a gentle squeeze. “I’ve missed you too,” she softly replied.

 

            “Hey, Ducky? How about we go to Uncle Winn’s and get some waffles?” Alex called out from behind her.

 

            Letting her go, Kara rose to her feet and looked around the apartment as Laurel begged Lena to let her go. The countertop was covered in takeaway containers, the sink held a few day’s worth of dishes, and kids toys were scattered around the room, covering the floor, while the table was laden with all sorts of junk. Kara knew how fanatic Lena was about everything being neat and tidy, and it was a surprise to see the apartment in such a mess. 

 

            Bringing herself back to the conversation happening in the room, she watched as Lena zipped a coat on over her daughter’s costume, helped her put her shoes on, and rummaged around in her purse for a few bills, which she forced into Alex’s unwilling hand. Kissing her daughter goodbye, Lena stepped back and averted her gaze. Waving goodbye to her goddaughter, Kara smiled, and gave her sister a reassuring nod, before Alex took Laurel’s hand and led her out of the apartment. The door shut behind them with a soft click.

 

            The following silence hung heavily between them, with Kara looking at Lena with a rare coldness, while Lena didn’t even meet her eyes. Eventually, Kara hesitantly cleared her throat, shed her coat and slung it over the back of the closest chair.

 

            “How about you go and get cleaned up and then we can talk,” Kara suggested.

 

            Silently nodding, Lena shuffled down the hallway to her bedroom, and came back out a few minutes later, clean clothes bundled under her arm and her head bowed as she passed back through the middle of the apartment and down the opposite hallway. The bathroom door shut a moment later, and Kara listened as the muffled sound of running water drifted down the hallway. Satisfied that Lena would be a while, she looked around the place. 

 

            Firstly, she walked over to the door leading out onto the balcony and opened it up to the mild day outside, letting a rush of fresh air flood into the apartment, bringing with it the smell of the Thai restaurant just a few buildings down. Walking over to the kitchen, she pulled open the dishwasher and quickly set about loading the dirty dishes onto the racks, piling them up and adding a pod to the machine, before turning it on. Grabbing a trash bag, she swept all the containers off of the counter, and then rummaged through the fridge and tossed out anything the looked a little dubious.

 

            She was tidying up all of Laurel’s strewn about toys when the water in the shower started sputtering, before being turned off, and she set an armful into the toybox in the little girl’s room, before coming back out into the kitchen. The place looked marginally tidier, and she fussed about the place until Lena reemerged, a towel wrapped around her dark hair, and looking cleaner, if nothing else. Pausing at the sight of her, Kara sighed and moved over to the kettle, switching it on, before she found a box of mac and cheese and set about making some. Lena didn’t look like she was in any state to want to feed herself, and most likely hadn’t for the past three weeks, judging by the thinness of her, so Kara set about making food for them both, biding her time and trying to come up with the right words to say, before anger twisted them and it made everything come out all wrong. She was hurt, but she didn’t want to hurt Lena back.

 

            Ten minutes later, they were sitting at the table, steaming cups of tea and a bowl of mac and cheese each, and Lena stared down at her food, her dark hair a damp, tangling mass around her shoulders as she hoarsely thanked Kara. Neither of them spoke while they ate and nursed their drinks, but Kara was relieved that Lena was eating something, even nudging her half-eaten bowl towards her when Lena wolfed down the food with more hunger than she’d ever shown before. She mumbled another thanks and quickly finished off that too, and Kara carried the empty bowls to the kitchen, dumping them in the sink and running hot water over them. Turning the tap off, she dried her hands on a dish towel and leant against the counters, watching as Lena sipped at her tea.

 

            “You know, I came here to shout at you,” Kara eventually said, her voice trembling slightly as she spoke. She’d been angry for three weeks now, trying to come to terms with the fact that her whole life had just been pulled out from under her feet by the admission of the fact that her best friend was in love with her.

 

            “You’d have every right to.”

 

            Shaking her head, Kara let out a hesitant laugh, “no. No, I wouldn’t. I can’t blame you for everything. You were right; you never asked me to follow you out of that room, and you never asked me to leave him. But I  _ am _ angry at you. You should’ve told me, Lena. You told me that you loved me, and then you just- you lied and said that you didn’t. Why couldn’t you just be honest?”

 

            “Because you were engaged! You were with someone else! What did I stand to gain from telling you how I felt? I would’ve  _ lost _ you.”

 

            “You wouldn’t have lost me! You’re my best friend. I trusted you with how I felt, but you didn’t trust  _ me _ . That really  _ hurts _ , Lena.”

 

            “I couldn’t tell you, because I can’t give you what he could’ve! I didn’t make this decision for myself.”

 

            “But it should’ve been my decision to make!  _ Mine _ . Not yours. You took that away from me!”

 

            Biting back her frustration, Lena gave Kara a grim look, arms crossed over her chest as she scowled slightly. “What difference would it have made?”

 

            Jerking back slightly, Kara gave her an astonished look, her lips parted as her eyebrows raised, a splutter working its way out of her mouth.  _ “What difference would it have made?  _ It would have made every difference. I loved you more than  _ anything _ . I’ve never loved anyone-”

 

            She bit off her words before she finished, but it was too late to take back the implications behind them. Reaching up, she gently rested her fingertips to her lips, a guilty look crossing her face as she spoke the truth, because it  _ was _ the truth, and she would’ve been a hypocrite to pretend that it wasn’t. It had always been there, beneath all of Kara’s insisting, the truth about her feelings for Mike. Everything that Lena had said at the wedding had been true, but Kara had been too stubborn to admit it. A part of her had wanted to prove that someone  _ did _ want her, even if Lena didn’t. Even if she hadn’t wanted to quit her job, and had been terrified of the thought of becoming a mother so quickly, she had just wanted someone to want her, and Mike had been the easy choice. She would’ve been settling, just like Lena had told her like Alex had told her, like Eliza had implied on their talks over the phone. 

 

            The truth was that Kara had always been in love with Lena. Anyone else would always be second best, and she would always compare them to her. It wasn’t fair on them, and she’d known it all along, and perhaps she’d strung Mike along, although she had loved him, to a lesser degree, but even he had realised it at the end. They’d both known the wedding was a mistake. Perhaps he had known it since the beginning and was hoping that by tying her down, she would realise that she would never have Lena. But he had chipped away at who she was, making her fit the mould of his life, and she had become less of the person she was, smaller somehow. For all their faults and imperfections, her and Lena were a pair well matched, and it was true that Lena had never asked her to be someone she’d never been.

 

            A look of surprise flitted across Lena’s features, and Kara choked on a laugh. “Come on, you’ve always known it. You knew that if you asked me to, I would’ve left him for you. You just didn’t want the guilt that came with it.”

 

            “I know,” Lena said, her voice surprisingly soft, barely above a whisper as she looked down at the floor, “and maybe that makes me a coward, but I was also trying not to hurt you. Guess that didn’t work out too well, did it?” She looked up as she finished speaking and gave Kara a bitter smile.

 

            “You know, you always say you’re trying not to hurt me,” Kara said, fighting back tears as she gave Lena a wry smile, rounding the kitchen counters to stand near the table, arms folded over her chest, “but somehow, it always hurts.”

 

            “Because you don’t get it!” Lena exploded, roughly running a hand through her damp hair as she climbed to her feet and anxiously started to pace. “You never have! You think that my family is dangerous and violent, but you never  _ saw _ it. You don’t know what it was like for me, growing up in a place like that. I hurt every day.  _ Every day _ . Until I met you. And I don’t know how to make you understand what it was like for me, to meet someone like you. Someone good, and kind. I’d never had that before!”

 

            “Then tell me!” Kara exasperatedly yelled back, her frustration growing. “Make me understand!”

 

            “I didn’t know  _ how _ to love you! Y-you think that I didn’t  _ want _ to? I tried,  _ God _ , I tried so hard, and I just- I didn’t feel it. I didn’t know  _ how _ to feel it. Because with you … it was warm, and gentle and soft. And that’s not the love that I grew up around. No,” Lena laughed, her eyes brimming with tears as she gave her a lopsided smiled, “no, in  _ my _ family it was loyalty, and bribery, and  _ pain. _ I watched my father knock my mom around for my entire childhood, and she stood by his side every day and called it love. And my brother, with all the women he toyed with and played games with their heads. And  _ me _ , with all the things they made me see, and all how they messed me up so badly. So badly that I didn’t- I didn’t know what I was feeling. It was there for  _ such _ a long time, and I didn’t know what it was.”

 

            She made a choked sound at the back of her throat as she cut off, letting out a shuddering breath as she wiped her face, before giving Kara a watery smile and standing up straight, her shoulders set and a stubborn tilt to her jaw. Her eyes finally had some life in them, burning fiercely as she faced her. 

 

            “So no, Kara, I didn’t know I was in love with you. Not until it  _ hurt _ . Not until I was put through all that pain of you not being with me, and it felt so familiar to all those times I hurt before, with the people I was supposed to love. Not until I was sent to London, and you were here, and I spent  _ months _ hurting, missing you and knowing that you were here. That you were here and you were fine.  _ That _ was a love I could understand because it finally hurt. And I wish- I wish I could’ve known it sooner, but I didn’t. I didn’t know that love was gentle and quiet.”

 

            “You thought that I was  _ fine?”  _ Kara echoed, a look of disbelief on her face, “you thought that I just carried on as if you were never here? I cried every night for  _ months? _ Did you know that?”

 

            “No,” Lena softly murmured.

 

            “No,” Kara bitterly laughed in agreement, “because I didn’t  _ tell _ you that. I wanted you to think that I was okay because I knew it’d hurt you if you thought I wasn’t. But I wasn’t  _ okay _ . Not for a long time. Not even when Mike … I just wanted you back. I wanted you back, but you didn’t love me.”

 

            “I wanted you too, and you were with someone else!” Lena exclaimed.

 

            Tears filled Kara’s eyes as she let out a shuddering breath, choking on a sob, “and I thought you were with Jack! I came to see you and he was there, and he was nice, and I felt like I’d been replaced. I felt like I didn’t belong, while you were playing house with some stranger. You did that before, when you met me, and I thought you’d moved on. I didn’t know if you were ever coming back.”

 

            Her voice broke as she spoke, and tears ran down her cheeks, even as she quickly tried to wipe them away. Closing her eyes, she covered her eyes with her hands, breathing slowly to try and calm herself, even as she felt the familiar pain in her chest flare up. She’d never forget that pain of being rejected by Lena, only to see her with Jack and feel like it had been  _ her _ that was the problem, not Lena. Kara had spent months wondering what he had that she didn’t, feeling like she wasn’t good enough for Lena as she replayed memories of watching them laugh together, watching him push Laurel on the swings like she’d used to, and thinking about how happy Lena seemed. She’d been so scared that she would never come back, that Kara hadn’t even known what to do with all of the pain she tried to suppress. 

 

            And then Mike had been there. She’d finished with him suddenly last time, when she’d realised she loved Lena, and not for any fault of his, so when she saw him again, the familiarity of someone she already knew hit her hard. It was the thought of having someone she knew, someone who she knew wanted her, that made her pick him. It wasn’t a  _ good _ decision, to date someone after Lena had first moved to London, and it was an even worse one to make it serious after she’d come back from London herself, defeated and heartbroken when she’d come back with the answer she hadn’t been looking for. A part of her had hoped that she’d visit Lena and Lena would tell her that she loved her, and she’d come back with her. Instead, she’d stayed, and it hadn’t felt like she was protecting Kara, it had felt like she was comfortable there, had her own new life with new friends. So Kara had picked Mike, and she’d told herself that she was content with him.

 

            Perhaps the worst mistake of it all had been saying yes when he’d proposed. They’d had word of Jack’s murder, and after she’d come back from London with Laurel, Mike had got down on one knee and proposed, with a speech about how short life was, and how he was ready to settle down with her, and before she’d even given herself a moment to think it through, Kara had said yes. Because he wanted her, and even though Lena had lost Jack, she wouldn’t have picked Kara anyway, because she didn’t love Kara. But here was a man who did, and Kara cared about him too, and it had seemed like a good idea. Until it hadn’t. 

 

            The first seeds of doubt had been Lena’s proclamation in the pouring rain, and Kara had been so scared that perhaps she did return her feelings that she’d said hurtful things and driven Lena away. Only for Lena to come back the next day and tell her she hadn’t meant any of it. At the time, Kara had been glad that Lena had told her she didn’t mean it, because she’d spent all night wondering about whether she’d made a mistake saying yes to Mike, knowing in her heart that she’d pick Lena over him. Lena playing it off as what she now knew was a very convincing lie was a relief, because for Kara, it cemented Lena’s true feelings for her. She knew that Lena would never want her in that way; she just wanted her to stay.

 

            And the distance between them had grown and grown, as weeks went by, and Christmas had awkwardly come and gone, and Kara had thought it was just the things she’d said, which had pushed Lena away. Even when Lena came home, it had never felt quite right, like Lena hadn’t forgiven her, and so she’d moved out, and thought that it was best for them all, when really, it killed her to do it. But they’d tried. They’d tried to mend things, having game nights and going out with their friends, but they’d never managed to quite close that rift, not even right up until the wedding. There had still been that reservation with Lena, which had become glaringly obvious the moment that Kara had walked out into that hallway after her and listened as her best friend professed her love.

 

            In hindsight, she should’ve seen it coming. She should’ve known her friend well enough to know when she was keeping a secret, but there were parts of Lena that she closed off so well, all those feelings that she hid away, preferring to play the martyr than let those she cared about suffer the outcome of the truth, that Kara couldn’t even fault herself for not knowing. For months, she hadn’t known her friend was suffering behind her smile. She’d helped Kara pick flowers and napkins, choose bridesmaids dresses and tablecloths, all the while hiding her love, and planning on letting Kara go, willing to watch her marry someone else, because she’d thought that Kara had wanted that more than she’d wanted her.

 

            “Jack,” Lena eventually spluttered, after standing there with a stunned look on her face, as if she’d just been slapped,  _ “Jack?! _ Do you want to know about me and Jack? He was the only thing that kept me together over there, and then he was  _ killed _ . Right in front of me.  _ Because _ of me. Because I was born to the family that I was.” 

 

            She sank down to her knees as Kara watched, as if the weight of her feelings was too much for her to bear, her knees trembling beneath the effort of keeping her upright. Falling hard onto the wooden floor, she knelt there and started to sob, her chest heaving as her shoulders shook, damp hair falling in her face, and Kara looked rattled as she watched her break down. With a stunned look of concern, she watched as Lena broke down in front of her, the fight draining out of her as she let the truth pour out of her, her voice cracking as she spoke. 

 

            “And do you- do you know what that felt like? It f-felt like nothing. All I wanted in that moment was y-you. I was covered in his- his blood, with his  _ d-dead body _ beside me, and I knew he was dead, and I didn’t want him back. I j-just … just wanted  _ you. _ And yes, that might make me a- a  _ horrible _ person, but I know how I feel about you, and you’re the only- the only person I’ll ever love. Do you think I  _ wanted _ to go on all those dates you pushed me to go on? I only ever wanted  _ you,  _ I only ever  _ loved _ you. Because it’s  _ hard _ for me. It’s not easy, it is so  _ painfully _ hard. But with you …  _ God _ , with you, I can sleep in the dark. It’s that simple.”

 

            Taking a few tentative steps towards her, Kara slowly knelt into a crouch before Lena, a lump forming in her throat as she took in the hunched figure sobbing on the floor. Reaching out with a shaky hand, Kara brushed the hair out of Lena’s face, ducking her head down as she tried to catch a glimpse of her face. Tears dotted Lena’s lap as the rolled down her cheeks and fell, and her eyes were tightly screwed shut as she cried, heartbroken and full of guilt, and Kara’s heart broke a little as she watched her. Slowly, she cupped the back of her head and drew her forward slightly, both of them kneeling on the hard floor, and Lena’s forehead fell against her shoulder as she cried. Gently rubbing her back in soothing circles, even as Lena tried to pull back, a choked sound escaping her mouth as her breathing hitched.

 

            Letting her pull back slightly, Kara cupped her face in her hands and rested her forehead against Lena’s, listening to the quiet, choked back sobs as her friend’s breath fanned across her cheek. “Look,” Kara said, her voice trembling as she held back her own tears, “it’s  _ okay.” _

 

            “No,” Lena tearfully wept, “no, it’s not. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Kara. I don’t- I’m just so fucked up. When did every- everything become such a  _ mess? _ I don’t even-”

 

            “Stop it,” Kara firmly told her, pressing them closer together, their noses almost touching as she swallowed the lump in her throat, feeling Lena’s body shaking. “Hey, listen to me. Listen to me, Lena. It’s going to be okay.  _ We’re  _ going to be okay. I love you, okay? You’re not a bad person. You don’t have to feel  _ guilty _ for love, okay?”

 

            Pulling back, Kara crouched in front of her for a moment, before slowly climbing to her feet. Standing over her friend, she took a step back, a worried look in her eyes as a frown crumpled her face. “Lena, get up.”

 

            Kneeling on the floor, shoulders hunched, Lena just shook her dark head, hand covering her mouth as she tried to choke back her sobs. Gritting her teeth, Kara tipped her head back, blinking back tears as she drew a slow breath in through her teeth, slowly exhaling and looking back down at Lena.

 

            “Damn it, Lena, get up! Get up and talk to me. Out of all the stupid shit you’ve put yourself through with your job and your family, you don’t get to be a coward now, okay? You don’t get to cry after everything that’s happened. It was _my_ wedding. So _stand up._ You stand up and you tell me you love me, _right_ _now_. And if you lie to me again, I swear to _God,_ I will leave and you will never see me again.”

 

            Sitting on the floor, Lena looked up at her with such wide, sorrowful green eyes, and Kara’s shoulders slumped as her temper receded, taking in the sorry sight in front of her. Wiping at her blotchy cheeks, Lena sniffed, and breathed in slowly, her breath hitching in her throat as she exhaled shakily. Slowly but surely, Lena pulled herself together, staggering to her feet and drawing herself up to her full height with her usual haughty air about her, despite the bloodshot eyes and her trembling bottom lip.

 

            “I love you,” she rasped, her voice hoarse from crying, “and I’ll love you every day I see you for the rest of my life, and I’ll love you every day for the rest of my life if you leave right now and I never see you again. 

 

            An ache in her chest made Kara waver for a moment, the urge to cry so strong that she had to dig her nails into her palms to stop herself from doing so. Nodding, she put on a brave face as she stared at Lena, a tender look in her eyes, and a surprisingly soft look on her face, despite all the heightened emotions and flaring tempers from their conversation. Stepping forward, closing the distance between them, she reached out and cupped Lena’s cheek in her hand, gently smoothing the pad of her thumb over the painfully prominent cheekbone.

 

            “I need you to do one more thing for me,” Kara softly told her, a brooding look in her stormy blue eyes as a faint frown creased her face, “I need you to give me the space and time I gave you. To … get over it all. I need time-”

 

            Covering Kara’s hand with her own, Lena gave her the ghost of a smile, her green eyes shining, and she slowly nodded, looking almost weak with relief at what Kara asked of her. “I know you do,” she quietly said, raising Kara’s hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it, before giving it another quick squeeze and letting go, taking a step back and bringing her hands up to rest over her heart, “take as long as you need. I want to fix things properly.”

 

            An uncertain look flickered across Kara’s face as she looked at Lena, who had a serene look on her face, as if she’d forgiven some part of herself and was okay with the terms that Kara had just set. “I won’t be gone for too long,” Kara slowly said.

 

            “I know. But I’ll wait however long it takes. This time it’s my turn to be patient.”


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess this is the end of the angst

            Two weeks passed by without a word from Kara, and Lena had to admit that she was relieved. Not because she didn’t miss Kara - she did, more than she could stand to bear - but because it was safer for Kara. She hadn’t told her about her visit to see Lex, or that by marrying Mike, Kara would’ve been out of the picture for him, and by not marrying him, she might’ve just made herself a very easy target for Lex. If he was keeping tabs on Lena, then the best she could hope for was that his thugs were also reporting that Kara was nowhere to be seen. Lena had never been so grateful for space between the two of them. It made her think that perhaps things would be okay.

 

            She didn’t believe the lies she told herself though. Lena wasn’t naive enough to believe that her brother would magically disappear and leave her alone. He’d expected her to be heartbroken, lost, all alone. He’d be expecting her to go home at any moment, to settle for having familiar faces around her, even if she hated every moment that she was back in that house, with all those people she’d grown up watching beat people to a pulp. Instead, she was biding her time, trying to fix a mess that she’d helped cause, so that her and Kara would be able to move on, together. After everything they’d been through, their slow progress to friends, to something more, to a complicated mess of misunderstandings and dating other people, and to finally admitting how they felt about each other, the fact that there _could_ be something more was enough for Lena. Of course she felt guilty about ruining Kara’s potential happiness with Mike, but everyone had known that they weren’t right for each other.

 

            Still, things were quiet for two weeks, until Imra called her late Wednesday night with the news that she’d arrested Mercy Graves and Ben Lockwood. Bleary-eyed, Lena had sat up in bed, the lamplight washing the room yellow as she cleared her fuzzy mind, and listened to her friend gently tell her that she’d caught the people that had been complicit in Jack’s murder. It didn’t instil any sense of comfort in her though; it was quite the opposite. Slipping out of bed, Lena had spent the rest of the night, and the early hours of the morning, wandering around the dark apartment, a feeling of wrongness settling in her stomach.

 

            As the sky grew gradually lighter, the pinks and oranges of dawn changing to the cloudless blue of a clear spring day, she found herself restless, ironing a load of laundry, scrubbing the bathroom until it sparkled, watering the plants that Kara had planted so long ago, and were still miraculously clinging to life. She roused Laurel at seven, and got her ready for kindergarten, filling up two bowls with cereal and eating breakfast with her daughter, before she packed her lunch and made her put on her coat.

 

            Lena walked her to the private primary school, nodding to the security guards at the front gates, and the ones at the front doors of the blocky red-bricked building, walking down the tiled hallway, passing colourful classrooms with arts and crafts projects taped to the walls and windows, the sounds of laughter and excited chatter spilling out into the hallway as everyone made their way to class. Dropping her daughter off at her classroom, waving and smiling at the young teacher, Lena made her way back out into the city and found herself walking towards the hotel her mother was being kept at. She wasn’t sure _why_ she was going there, only that she had to see her.

 

            Taking the elevator up to the penthouse, she was admitted to her mother’s suite without question, and found Lillian standing near one of the wide windows, curtains parted as she stared out at the city. Despite the fact that it was barely nine o’clock, Lillian was already sipping at a gin and tonic, wearing one of her tailored suits and looking as at ease as ever. She turned at Lena’s entrance, giving her an appraising look as a smirk curled one side of her mouth.

 

            “I didn’t think you were coming back. It’s been a few weeks.”

 

            “I haven’t had much to say,” Lena said with a shrug, feeling no guilt or remorse for leaving her mom locked up in her hotel room with only guards to talk to. Lena doubted they had been very forthcoming with news or general conversation.

 

            Moving over to one of the sofas, Lillian sat down and gestured towards the chessboard with her glass. “Would you like to play?”

 

            Hesitating, Lena softly sighed and walked over to join her, sitting across the coffee table on the white side of the chess pieces. Making the first move, Lena gave her mom a wary look, leaning slightly forward with her elbows on her thighs.

 

            “So how easy do you think it would be to catch Mercy Graves if she was the new primary target?” Lena began.

 

            With a derisive snort, Lillian eyed the rows of black pieces and moved a pawn forward, a droll look of humour in her green eyes. “Nigh on impossible. I’ve known her for years. Your brother trusts her more than anyone else. Except perhaps me, but seeing as I gave the DEO and you everything I could, I doubt that he does anymore. She’s not a pawn. Lex won’t risk her lightly. And she’s smart. I know _you’re_ smart, but she’s far more cunning than you. Pick someone else.”

 

            “Like Ben Lockwood?” Lena hedged, holding her cards close as she waited to reveal her hand.

 

            Scoffing, Lillian rolled her eyes. “Sure. He’s disposable, I guess. I mean, he’s _not_ , but if your brother decided to betray him and cut ties, it wouldn’t be impossible to bring him in. Their relationship is purely business, and Lex doesn’t trust him further than that.”

 

            Pressing her lips together in a hard line, Lena nodded as she moved a pawn forward, and watching as Lillian moved her rook. They played in silence for a few moments, a few pieces leaving the board as they took them, and the pieces mingling in the middle as they tried to out-manoeuvre one another. Lena had always been good at chess, and her mother was good competition, which made her more inclined to linger at the hotel longer than she ordinarily would. It wasn’t like she was here for the riveting conversation, but she _had_ come for information, and a good game of chess was an added bonus.

 

            “So … say for argument’s sake, both Mercy Graves and Ben Lockwood were caught, what would you make of it?”

 

            Knight in hand, Lillian froze midway to setting the piece down on the board, and her eyes flickered upwards to meet Lena’s steady stare. Setting the piece down with a firm thud, Lillian picked up her drink and took a sip, before setting it down and leaning back on the sofa. Folding her arms across her chest, she fixed her with a piercing stare and raised her eyebrows imperceptibly.

           

            “What’s going on?”

 

            “Just answer the question,” Lena impatiently snapped, reaching forward to move her bishop and take one of Lillian’s pawns.

 

            Fixing her with a hard look, Lillian was silent for a few moments, putting Lena on edge. She wasn’t sure where her mother’s loyalties lie. Lillian loved her son more than anything or anyone, and she wanted him brought into custody for his own protection, even if it was only protection from himself, so she was cooperating, but it didn’t mean that she was _on_ Lena’s side. Her daughter was just a means to an end.

 

            “If they’re both in custody, then Mercy wanted to be caught, and your brother double-crossed Lockwood. It would mean that your brother has a plan, and you need to be careful.”

 

            Lena was silent as she took in her mother’s words, turning them over in her head and trying to make sense of them. What sort of plan could Lex have? She knew that last time they’d brought someone they wanted into custody, he’d ordered Mercy to kill Jack. She hadn’t seen it coming, but she knew that there were patterns to things like this. Her whole job as a profiler was to predict these patterns based on past behaviours and actions, and she realised that her mother was right. He would lull her and the DEO into a false sense of security, allowing them to think they’d won a victory again, before revealing his true hand.

 

            Pursing her lips slightly, Lena nodded and gestured for Lillian to make her next move. Huffing, her mother, made a quick move and fixed her with an exasperated look. “Checkmate.”

 

            Spluttering, Lena shook herself back into the moment and stared down at the board, taking in the placed pieces and realising that her mother was right. Mouth falling open, Lena quickly snapped it shut and sank back against the pillows.

 

            “You’re being clumsy,” Lillian warned her in a low voice. “Sloppy mistakes will get you into trouble.”

 

            “Oh, you care?” Lena lightly replied, a sardonic smile curling her lips as she gave Lillian a contemptuous look. “How … _touching.”_

 

            “Lena-”

 

            Abruptly climbing to her feet, Lena looked down at her mother, her face dark as she brooded. “I don’t need _your_ help.”

 

            “Then why did you come here?”

 

            Opening and closing her mouth, Lena looked away, balling her hands into fists. The truth was that the only person who knew her brother better than Lena was Lillian, and it was easier to set aside her biased ideas of him, of the evil, cruel person she saw him as, and listen to the way her mom described him. Their views met somewhere in the middle, and it helped fill in all of the blanks for her.

 

            “Listen to me, Lena. If not for your sake, then for your family’s,” Lillian softly told her, a hard look in her eyes, “you can’t win this. He’s two steps ahead of you but you think you’ve already won. If he does have a plan … I’m afraid you don’t have a chance. Get out of town. Go somewhere far away, get new identities, and don’t come back to National City.”

 

            “I won’t be run out of my own home,” Lena haughtily replied, a stubborn look on her face as she looked back down at Lillian, “not again.”

           

            “He’s smarter than you give him credit for.”

 

            “Well, he’s not as smart as me.”

 

            Nodding, Lillian reached out for the chess pieces and silently started to reset the board. Taking it as a dismissal, Lena showed herself out of the apartment, her palms clammy and an icy feeling coiling in her stomach at her mother’s warning. It would be impossible for her to know anything inside the penthouse suite, but her warning wasn’t without merit. Lena believed that he was up to something. The simultaneous arrests of Mercy Graves and Ben Lockwood only seemed to strengthen her suspicions, and she was antsy as she walked home, checking over her shoulder as she reached every intersection, taking shortcuts through dingy alleyways or crowded market streets, hoping to catch sight of someone tailing her.

 

            She made it home safely and immediately called Henshaw’s number, filling him in on the conversation with her mother. He took her paranoia seriously and assured her that they were trying to uncover what he was up to, with some of the agents they’d used to infiltrate his mob trying to coerce knowledge out of a few of the more arrogant higher up thugs in Lex’s employment. It didn’t make Lena feel any better to know that the DEO was on edge about what was going to happen next. For the rest of the day, she was anxious as she tidied up the rest of the apartment, blasting music to keep her loud thoughts drowned out until it was time to pick Laurel up from school.

 

            With no friends to keep her company, trying her best to remain completely distant from Kara to give her the space she needed, as well as her secret attempt to keep everyone safe, Lena spent the next few days alone with her worries. She was still benched at work, insisting that she was fine, even though her claims fell on deaf ears, which meant that she was forced to stay cooped up inside, imagining all sorts of things that her brother might do to her. The obvious one was to kill her. It would be a trifling matter, and she wasn’t scared if it came to that, although she knew he’d much rather take her alive. Family didn’t just turn their backs on each other, even in a family like theirs. If she swallowed her pride, she could just go home, back to a lifestyle of lavish wealth and power, giving all of that to her daughter, but Lena’s dignity wouldn’t allow her to do so.

 

            She’d resisted for years, and the threat of him trying to hurt her wasn’t enough to change her mind now. If she was being selfish, the thought of a future with Kara someday would stop her from going back to him too. They were far away from having any sort of relationship yet, with Kara needing time to heal, and time to forgive Lena, but if she went home, Lena knew that she would be turning her back on the only person she’d ever let in. She’d tried living without Kara, and it hurt, and even knowing that one day they’d be okay was painful. Lena couldn’t lose her again, and she couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Kara after admitting her feelings and ruining her wedding. It would be like a slap in the face, and she knew that she’d already hurt Kara enough with her actions and lies. Whatever happened next, Lena had made the decision to stay and see it through. Perhaps she’d find a way to outsmart her brother and bring him in once and for all.

 

            But the weekend passed without any event, and Laurel went to kindergarten like always, and Lena even agreed to let Kara pick her up from school that afternoon. Laurel only went for a few hours a day, and only a few days a week, which meant that Kara was able to pick her up before her shift started, before dropping her off at Winn’s, where Lena would go and pick her up later on. They were being very mature about the whole space thing, and although it would’ve been a quick exchange at the door as Kara brought Laurel home, Lena insisted on Winn’s diner being a halfway point, more for the safety of Kara not being seen at Lena’s building than the fact that she was being over the top strict with giving her friend space.

 

            Monday saw Lena going over the files she had on her brother once more, the kitchen table spread with photos of familiar bent-nosed bullish looking men with cold eyes, crime scenes splattered with blood, and enough pages of known illegal operations, transaction records and crimes to make sure that the wooden tabletop was buried beneath the mountain of paperwork. Yet they’d still never been able to make anything stick. It was amazing, the power that money and fear had. All Lex had to do was throw money at a problem, or a higher up person in law enforcement and evidence went missing from evidence lockers, and witnesses ended up dead in their protective custody.

 

            As the day wore on, she tidied up her work and hid all evidence of the bloody crimes her brother had committed, her eyes straying to the clock once more as she made the assumption that Kara would’ve picked Laurel up by now. They’d be walking home already, and she didn’t want her daughter to accidentally find a photo of a pale body with a bullet between the eyes. Hiding her work in her briefcase, she took it back to her room and slid it under the bed, before coming back out to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. As the rich aroma filled the room, she leant against the counters and let her mind wander, before a light knock shook her out of them.

 

            Quickly walking towards the door, a slight frown creasing her brow, she pulled the door open as she started to talk. “I thought you were taking- _oh.”_

 

            It wasn’t Kara, as she’d been expecting, about to ask her why she’d come to the apartment instead of Winn’s, but Lex, wearing a crispy grey suit, even in the heat, and all alone as he stood outside the hallway. He didn’t wait to ask permission as he pushed his way into the apartment, a silver gun already comfortably at home in his right hand as his eyes darted around the place.

 

            “So, are you going to kill me?” Lena casually asked, her heart hammering in her chest as she tried to act brave.

 

            As if noticing that she was there for the first time, Lex let out a surprised laugh, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he gave her a warm smile, looking so much like the brother she’d loved when she was younger that it made Lena’s heart ache for a second. Running a hand over his shaved head, Lex quickly shook his head, his laughter fading and only the ghost of a smile lingering on his lips.

 

            “No, no, you know I don’t want to hurt you. I came to invite you to go on a walk with me,” he said, giving her a small smile, his eyes sparkling slightly as he gestured with his gun, “if you wouldn’t mind. It’s a lovely day for it. A bit cold, but no clouds. Hey, I bet the flowers are blooming too. Would you like to go to the park?”

 

            Fixing him with a cold stare, Lena crossed her arms over her chest, “are you asking or demanding? Do you _need_ to point a gun at me?”

 

            Letting out a quick, sharp laugh, Lex languidly shrugged, a lazy motion that showed off his casual arrogance. “Do you remember what dad’s favourite quote by Al Capone was? Asking polite with a gun in your hand-”

 

            “Is always better than just asking polite,” Lena impatiently finished, cutting him off as her irritation flared up. “Right.”

 

            A flicker of annoyance ran across Lex’s face, and he raised the gun, insolently pointing it straight at her as his expression darkened. “Yes, so, Lena, how would you like to go for a walk?”

 

            She swallowed the sharp retort on the tip of her tongue, and the lump in her throat, and curtly nodded as she held her hands up slightly in a defensive manner, trying to diffuse the situation before her sarcasm and snarkiness sparked Lex’s temper. “May I turn the coffee pot off first?”

 

            Gesturing with the gun, he nodded, before his heavy footsteps walked towards the door. She watched him for a moment, studying her brother as he browsed the collection of coats on the hooks beside the door. While he was distracted, she moved as quickly as she could, over to the coffee pot, and the wooden knife rack beside it, sliding out the smallest one, a paring knife with a three-inch blade and a sharp point, and slipping it up the sleeve of the cream shirt she was wearing. Switching the coffee pot off, she slowly turned, keeping her hand angled to ensure the knife stayed up her sleeve and turned to find Lex watching her. He had a coat in his hand and he slowly held it out as she moved towards him.

 

            “It’s a bit windy,” he said, offering up the coat.

 

            Nodding, Lena forced herself to hoarsely thank him, before shrugging on the tweed peacoat and slipping on the first pair of shoes that fit her. Swiping her keys off the kitchen counter, she stepped out into the hallway and stalked off down the hallway, leaving Lex to follow after her. The ride down to the lobby was tense, Lena’s whole body taut as she was consciously aware of the gun that her brother held.

 

            Once they were outside, Lex slung an arm around Lena’s shoulder in a way that was supposed to look casual and comfortable but made her skin crawl as he pulled her closer, a silent threat in the movement. Tucked up next to him, she looked down at the lump where he hid the gun in his pocket, the muzzle directed towards her, letting her know not to try anything stupid. They walked in silence for a few minutes, reaching the end of the block and crossing the road. The wind ruffled Lena’s hair and her throat went dry, resisting the urge to pull away and run off with each step. Glancing up at her brother, she took in the blank look on his face as he scanned the faces of people streaming past them on the busy streets, and she felt her insides go cold.

 

            He looked down and caught her staring, and a lopsided smile curled his lips. It was a cold smile, sharp and unsettling, and Lena quickly looked away. “You know, you could’ve made this a lot easier for yourself if you’d just stayed away.”

 

 _“You’re_ the one who won’t leave _me_ alone.”

 

            “Oh? Did I ask you to come and see me last time?” Lex asked, giving her shoulder a hard squeeze. “Not to worry, I wasn’t talking about us anyone. I meant your friend. _Kara._ ”

 

            He sighed heavily, and looked down to fix her with a flat look. “I tried to take her from you, you know. That man she was going to marry … I offered him a million dollars to be in my pocket and spy on you. To find out how to ruin things for you. But he refused. He turned me down. And you know what? It was _perfect_ , because he proposed to her, and that was more brilliant than I could’ve ever hoped. Imagine how devastated you would be when she married him and left you all alone. And then … you had to ruin things. That’s all you ever do, isn’t it? And now … well, it’s not going to be easy now.”

 

            Scoffing, Lena ground her teeth together, anger simmering as she hunched her shoulders beneath her brother’s touch. “What’re you going to do, Lex? Kill me? I don’t think you could.”

 

            He grabbed the back of her neck and squeezed slightly before giving her shove forward and letting go. Stumbling a few steps, Lena shrugged and tugged at her coat, scowling as she flipped her brother off. Lex grabbed her hand and twisted it sharply, making her let out a quiet yelp of pain. A woman pushing her child gave her a dirty look as she passed them by. Grabbing her by the front of her shirt, Lex drove her backwards and into a dirty alleyway, puddles of brown water and split bags of garbage giving the air a damp, rotten smell, and he slammed her up against the brick wall. Lena’s head bounced off the bricks, and she bit her tongue, tasting blood, before she spat it on Lex’s pressed linen shirt and batted his hand aside. Long fingers wrapped around her neck and pressed her back against the wall, while he raised the gun, a spark of anger in his eyes.

 

            “You don’t think that I could? I promised you that I would. Don’t you remember?”

 

            He let go of her and slipped out the magazine of the gun he held, slowly pulling back the slide and letting a small bullet fall out into his free hand. Holding the gun and magazine in one hand, he held the bullet up between thumb and forefinger and smirked at her.

 

            “Remember this bullet?”

 

            Stiffly nodding, Lena watched as he pushed it back into the top of the magazine and slid it back into place, loading the bullet into the chamber. Shoving the gun back into his pocket, he grabbed her arm and jerked her back down the alleyway, pushing her back out onto the street and keeping a firm grip on her as they pushed past other pedestrians.

 

            “There’s only one bullet in this,” he said, a look of amusement on his face as he patted his pocket, “how lucky do you think you are, Lena? How about a game, hm? Like we used to play when we were younger.”

 

            Letting out a snort of laughter, Lena gave him a look of disgust. “A _game?_ You want to play a game? What, Russian roulette? Do you have a revolver in your other pocket?”

 

            Shaking his head, Lex smiled slightly and kept on walking, block after block disappearing behind them as they wandered through the city, with no apparent destination, as far as Lena could tell. At the next intersection, Lex made a left, dragging her with him, and then walked to the end of the next block, crossing the street and stepping onto the path leading beneath the leafy canopy of the park she brought Laurel to all the time. It was where they came to feed ducks and eat ice cream, enjoying picnics in the summer and crunching leaves in the winter while Laurel splashed through puddles. It made her feel uneasy to be walking beneath the leafy green oak and ash trees with her brother holding her arm in his painful grip. The point of the knife was digging into her wrist, and she glanced around at the mother’s with their children, and the office workers in their suits and dresses, taking a quick lunch break in the fresh air, wondering if her brother was going to hurt any of them in the fallout of what was going to happen.

 

            Surely he wouldn’t be so bold as to plan a public attack. The number of witnesses would be too great for even him to find and pay off all of them, and there were too many for Lena to not be able to draw attention to them and get help. With the right distraction, she’d be able to disarm Lex, but she didn’t trust that this was all he had planned. There was more to their walk than simply enjoying the flowers in the springtime. He didn’t even have his usual guards trailing after them, and Lena glanced around, trying to spot any hulking shadows hiding behind tree trunks. Surely he wasn’t stupid enough to come alone. Lex never got his hands dirty without someone there to clean up the mess or take care of it if it was something he didn’t care to do himself.

 

            “I was thinking of a different game,” Lex finally said after a few minutes of silence, dragging Lena’s attention back to him. “Perhaps a game of choice, instead of chance.”

 

            “Choice?” she scoffed, giving him a sneer as she tugged her arm out of his grip. “Fine, I choose for you to fuck off and leave me and my family alone.”

 

            Giving her a sharp smile, his eyes crinkled slightly at the corners. “Not quite how this game is going to work, little sister. Come, how about we go over here.”

 

            With no choice but to follow his orders, she stumbled over sticks and slippery leaves as Lex trampled over foliage and slipped past tree trunks, taking a shortcut through the flowerbeds and coming out on the fringes of the treeline, overlooking the park. They stood in the shadows of a camphor tree, and the sound of laughter and conversation drifted towards them as kids chased each other around and parents half-paid attention as they gossiped or sat on their phones. A squeal of laughter caught her attention and she turned towards the little girl with dark curls off to the far left of the playground, being chased by the blonde woman in a navy uniform. Lena’s stomach dropped as she watched Kara catch Laurel and swing her up over her shoulder, dropping her first aid kit on the asphalt and tickling the little girl as she walked towards the swings.

 

            “No,” Lena quietly whimpered, her heart leaping into her throat.

 

            “See, how _this_ game works is you pick which one you want me to spare,” Lex said, pulling his silver gun out of his pocket and taking the safety off, “and then I shoot the other one. One bullet, mind you, so I have the unfair advantage here, _if_ I miss. But, then again, you’ve seen me shoot, so I doubt I’ll miss.” Clearing his throat, he polished a speck of dirt off the barrel of the gun and looked down at her. “Right, who is it then?”

 

            “Don’t you fucking dare,” Lena thickly warned him in a low voice, her voice shaking as she curled her hands into fists to try and stem the fear the took hold inside her. “Touch them and I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you, you sick bastard.”

 

            Quietly chuckling, Lex let out a heavy sigh, reaching up to sling an arm around her shoulders again and duck down so that he could whisper in her ear. “No, Lena. I told you to come home, and you didn’t listen. And I told you that I’d kill you for it. So I will - _this_ will. Now, pick. And don’t even try and be a hero - Bruno is on the other side of the park and he’ll take them both out if you so much as wrinkle my very nice shirt.”

 

            “You can’t,” she breathlessly said, her knees going weak beneath her as she watched the two people she loved most in the world play in the park. “I’ll go with you,” she said, her voice cracking as her eyes filled with tears. “I’ll come home. I-I promise, just … don’t hurt them. Please. Please, Lex.”

 

            Tutting, her pouted slightly as he reached up to wipe away a tear that fell, sliding down a ghostly pale cheek, before his lips spread into a slow, cold smile. “Oh, no, it’s too late for that.”

 

            Choking back a sob, Lena turned back to watch Kara push Laurel on the swing, her daughter laughing as she went higher and higher, and her face twisted with anger as hatred boiled up inside. With a defiant look on her face, she slid the knife hidden up in her sleeve down into her palm, gripping the handle tightly, noticing a trickle of blood staining her pale skin where the point had pierced her wrist, and with a sudden movement, she took her brother by surprise and stabbed Lex in the thigh.

 

            Leaving the tiny knife jammed into the meaty flesh of his leg, while her brother let out a shout of pain, hobbling as his leg buckled beneath him, Lena took a few desperate steps forward, face pale with terror. “Kara!” she screamed.

 

            At the shout from Lex and Lena’s hoarse screams, a dozen faces turned in her direction, and she watched as Kara’s head turned to face her, the laughter on her face dying as she met Lena’s gaze from across the distance separating them and reached out to stop the swing.

 

            “Lena?” Kara called back, her voice barely audible as she pulled Laurel off the swing and held her close, a confused look on her face as she took a step forward.

 

            “Run!” Lena hoarsely shouted, before turning around to find Lex scrambling for the gun he’d dropped to the ground.

 

            Diving forward, she beat him to it and scurried backwards, pistol held tightly in her shaking hands as she breathed heavily, chest heaving as she pointed the muzzle at Lex, who was climbing to his feet, hands raised defensively as he gave her a wan smile. He held the bloody knife in one hand, the blade stained red, and let out a nervous laugh.

 

            “Too late,” he panted, his face twisting with a grimace of pain as he looked past her, and Lena turned to watch as Bruno stepped forward, gun raised.

 

            The scream tore its way up her throat and got stuck as she watched wide-eyed as Kara reacted slower. Realisation dawned on Kara’s face a little too late as she turned to face Bruno, and before Lena could even watch things unfold, long fingers closed around her ankle and pulled her back roughly, at the same time as the gun was fired.  

 

            Sprawling into the dirt, listening to screams as people fled, the air rushed out of Lena’s lungs and she lost her grip on the gun. Scrabbling for it, tearing up dirt and leaves in her desperation, Lena lashed out with her foot, shoe connecting with something solid and a muffled grunt coming from her brother, and she dragged herself forward, muddy fingers closing around the grip of the gun. Drawing in a ragged breath, she rolled over onto her back and pointed the trigger straight ahead, barely pausing to aim as Lex rose to his knees, reaching for her. The jolt of the gun firing forced her back against the ground, her ears ringing from the noise and her vision wavering as she took in the vivid bloodstain that spread across Lex’s chest.

 

            He teetered for a moment, a look of genuine surprise on his face as if he couldn’t believe she’d shot him, letting out a pitiful sound, before he slumped forward, landing on all fours as he coughed up blood onto her jeans. She gave him a shocked look, the gun falling from numb fingers, and watched as the shock turned to anger.

 

            Too stunned to even defend herself, Lena watched in a daze as Lex drove the paring knife down into her thigh, and she bit back a scream of pain as she stared at the knife sticking out of her leg with mild confusion. Without further prompting, Lex collapsed on top of her legs, and she flopped back down onto the leafy carpet, staring up at the yellow sunlight filtering down through the green canopy overhead, feeling suddenly drained and in a state of shock as she trembled on the ground, a dull burning feeling in her leg.

 

            As the ringing sound in her ears faded and her vision seemed to steady, she was aware of her name being screamed, and she slowly let her head loll to her side, her eyelids slowly dragging closed and then open again as she took in the tilted view off to her right. Kara was hunched over, two brave people crowding around her, and it felt _wrong_ to Lena, as she lay on the ground. Slowly, and with great effort, she heaved her brother’s limp body off her, too dazed to even care if he was dead or still clinging to life.

 

            Clumsily pushing herself to her feet, she took a few lurching steps forward, her left leg going out from beneath her body weight, and she looked down, slowly pulling the bloody knife out and tossing it aside. Drawing in ragged breaths, she stumbled towards the few people that had stuck around, and all but collapsed beside Kara, falling to her knees hard as her vision blurred with tears and she made a choked moaning sound.

 

            Laying on her back with Kara’s navy paramedic coat under her head, Laurel was staring up at the blue sky, her dark eyes swimming with tears as her brown skin took on an ashen look. Her breathing was shallow and her face was twisted with pain, but all of that went unnoticed as Lena’s eyes were drawn to the growing bloodstain on her daughter’s abdomen.

 

            “Lena,” Kara said, her voice cracking slightly.

 

            Pressing a hand to her daughter’s clammy cheek, Lena looked down at her with wide eyes filled with fear, her voice escaping her as she felt icy coldness pool in her stomach. Brushing sweaty curls off of Laurel’s forehead, Lena felt something break inside her.

 

            “Mommy,” her daughter whimpered, the word barely audible through her bloodless lips.

 

 _“Lena!”_ Kara snapped, roughly shaking her shoulder. “Get my bag. My bag. Quick. Lena, quickly, please.”

 

            Shaking herself out of her stupor, Lena watched as the woman that had stayed ran towards Kara’s first aid kit near the swings, while a man called an ambulance. Lena was frozen as she watched blood well up around Kara’s hands, pressed against Laurel’s stomach as she attempted to keep pressure on the wound. Ordering the woman to find her some gauze, Kara wiped blonde hair out of her face with her arm, looking ghostly pale, and quickly took the presented gauze and pressed it against the stain spreading across Laurel’s front.

 

            “Lena, your coat. Take it off, quick,” Kara commanded, removing a stained, shaky hand from Laurel’s stomach as she fumbled with her belt.

 

            Stripping off her coat, Lena wadded it up and pressed it against her daughter’s stomach, tears sliding down her cheeks as she gave her a thin smile, tenderly brushing damp curls out of her flushed face. “It’s okay, Ducky. Mommy’s here. You’re going to be fine.”

 

            A quiet whimper slipped from her daughter’s lips, and Lena flinched at the sound, pulling her hands back and watching as Kara looped her belt around Laurel’s waist, cinching it in tightly to keep her coat pressed firmly against her stomach. The sound of sirens was faintly audible in the distance, and the sound of voices washed over her as Kara kept firm pressure on the little girl’s thin frame, her knee pressing against the wadded up coat.

 

            Frozen in terror, Lena felt helpless as she watched, and didn’t move until she was pushed aside by the arrival of two paramedics, gurney hurriedly pulled along with them, and then quickly lifted and strapped Laurel onto it. Kara hurriedly packed her things up and dragged Lena to her feet, keeping her upright as she rattled off a string of shorthand medical terms that went over Lena’s head. Rushing through the park, they passed by another team of paramedics rushing towards where they’d left Lex, and police cars were starting to pull up, officers streaming out with guns drawn, waving people back and running towards the scene.

 

            The ambulance was parked wonkily in a loading bay, and Lena hobbled along, her eyes trained on her daughter’s body as they made towards the back doors of the rig. “You’re the mother?” one of them asked Lena as soon as the gurney was secured and the other paramedic was inside with her.

 

            “Yes,” Lena croaked.

 

            The paramedic nodded and gestured for her to climb into the back, before turning to Kara and telling her that they’d handle it from there. With a spluttered sound of indignation, Kara haughtily told the man that she was coming with them, and rather than argue, he sighed and gestured for her to come around to the front with him. Lena would’ve rathered have her in the back with her and Laurel, trusting Kara more than this stranger with her daughter’s life, but Kara gave her a grave nod and walked around to the passenger side, leaving Lena to scramble up into the back and take the designated seat the woman guided her to. The man slammed the doors shut and walked around to climb into the driver’s seat, and with the blaring sound of sirens, they were careening through the city.

 

            Swaying with the motion in the back of the ambulance, Lena sat there with blotchy cheeks as she watched the paramedic hook Laurel up to an oxygen tank, attaching monitors and leads to her and making sure she was covered by the thermal blanket. Her leg was throbbing with a dull pain, but she didn’t pay it any attention as she shook in her seat, forcing herself to draw in shallow breaths as she clenched her hands into fists to stop them from trembling. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she tried to fight back the panic that welled up inside her. This was all her fault. Everything had been building up to this, and she’d thought he wanted her, but of course, his games went deeper than that. And now her brother might be dead at her hand, and her daughter might be soon to follow.

 

            Bursting into tears, she startled the paramedic, and pressed the bloody heels of her palms into her eyes as she rocked slightly, her whole body heaving with the effort of her sobs. The ride to the hospital felt like an eternity, and Lena cried the whole way there.

 

            As soon as they pulled up outside of the emergency room, the paramedic slipped past Lena and flung the doors wide open, before she starting relaying the information Kara had given her to the doctors. The gurney was pulled out and Lena almost fell out of the ambulance in her haste to follow, trying to keep up with the doctors. Kara came up behind her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders to keep her upright, guiding her quickly into the hospital. Laurel was led off to a private room, and Kara and Lena lingered on the edges of the room as doctors and nurses filled the room.

 

            The conversation was a muffled buzz to Lena’s ears as she zoned out, faint with blood loss, although she had yet to mention the fact that she’d been stabbed to anyone in the room. She was covered in blood, and it would be assumed that it was her daughter’s. To Kara, it would be assumed to be Lex’s. There were more important things to worry about than her leg at the moment.

 

            It felt like forever before anyone approached her, after the initial attempts to remove her from the room, which were hotly dissuaded by Kara, who was well known to all of the doctors and nurses. They respected her uniform enough to take her seriously when she told them that they were staying. After that, they ignored the two blood covered women in the corner until they had Laurel stabilised and had assessed the injury. A grave looking doctor pulled off a pair of rubber gloves with a snap as she approached.

 

            “Miss Luthor?” she gently greeted Lena, who slowly dragged her eyes up to the woman’s face, blinking owlishly as if she’d forgotten where she was. “Your daughter is as stable as we can get her for the moment.”

 

            “She’s going to be okay?” Lena hoarsely asked, ashen faced as her watery green eyes sparked with hope.

 

            An apprehensive look crossed the doctor’s face, and she quickly looked at Kara, before looking back to Lena. “Not- not exactly. Laurel has a perforated liver. A child of her size … her liver isn’t very big, and the damage a bullet like that can do … it’s not good, I’m afraid. We need to operate quickly.”

 

            Jerking her head in a stiff nod, Lena swallowed the lump in her throat. “Yes. Go. Operate. You have my consent.”

 

            “It’s not that,” the doctor gently said, “we can’t just _fix_ a liver; not with this much damage. Laurel’s going to need an organ donor. She’s going to need one very quickly.”

 

            The air was forced from Lena’s lungs, and she vigorously shook her head as tears pricked her eyes. “No.”

 

            “Laurel is a Type O, which means she needs someone with the same blood type to donate. The quickest way for this to happen would be for _you_ to donate a portion of your liver. It’s a regenerative organ, so you’ll fully recover.”

 

            Shaking her head again, Lena wiped at her face, “no. No, no. No, I can’t.”

 

            “Wha-” the doctor said, surprise evident on her face, before she pressed her lips together and breathed slowly. “Miss Luthor, if your daughter doesn’t receive a liver from a matching donor, she won’t make it.”

 

            “I know, but I can’t!” Lena shouted, her voice breaking as her eyes overfilled and tears ran down her cheeks. “I can’t.”

 

            “Lena,” Kara murmured, reaching out to gently take her hand. Pulling her hand back, Lena gave her an aghast look. “You can do it,” Kara gently encouraged her, giving her a hollow eyed look as she forced herself to smile slightly, “Ducky needs you.”

 

            Choking on a sob, Lena covered her mouth with a trembling, bloody hand, forcing back the nausea that rose inside her. “I can’t.”

 

            “Why _not?!”_ Kara exasperatedly asked, an angry look growing on her face as Lena protested again, her voice cracking as tears welled up in her eyes too. “She’s your _daughter,_ Lena! You can’t just let her _die!”_

 

            “But I can’t donate to her!”

 

            “She’s Type O, Lena,” the doctor gently interrupted, “that means both of her parents are most likely Type O too, and you could be a match.”

 

_“Yes, but she’s not mine!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> congrats to the 1 person in the comments who correctly guessed lmao


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> probs the last update for a week, i have some things to take care of but didn't want to leave your on a cliffhanger lmao (also just want to add a suicide warning for this chapter)

_“Yes, but she’s not mine!”_

 

            The ensuing silence from the two women was deafening, and even the doctors still monitoring Laurel seemed to be keeping the conversation to a minimum. Letting out a shuddering breath, Lena wiped at her blotchy cheeks with her shirt sleeve. Kara was looking at her with confusion and uncertainty, not sure what to make of Lena’s words, and the doctor pressed her lips together as she absorbed the news in silence.

 

            “What- I don’t … I don’t understand,” Kara haltingly said, her tearstained face crumpling as she frowned. “What do you mean she’s not _yours?_ You’re her mother. You- you’ve had her since the day she was born. I was there. I saw you with her.”

 

            Closing her eyes, Lena let out a slow, shaky breath as memories of that day came flooding back to her. It had been her most closely guarded secret for nearly seven years, entrusted to no one else, not even Kara. And it wasn’t because of a lack of trust, but because Lena didn’t know _how_ to share that with someone. It had taken her a while to trust Kara, to let her in and be her friend, and by that point it was too late for her to be honest about her daughter. But now she had no choice.

 

\---

 

_She was back in National City for summer break, and was filled with relief at the fact that it was nearly over. Just a few more weeks and she’d be back at Yale, free from her family for another term, even if her brother sent one of his men to keep tabs on her. After weeks spent wandering around the city, trying to avoid being back at home, with her overbearing mother and her brother dragging drug dealers and petty thieves into the house, the muffled sounds of shouts and the dull thuds of his men beating them to bloody pulps drifting through the floor and the walls, depending on where she was in the house._

 

_Most of her time was spent at the park her father used to take her to when she was younger. They’d always called it Duck Park, because they went there to feed the ducks, back when she was still naive to the truth about her father’s business. She walked around that park for hours, following the paths and watching the ducks glide across the surface of the pond, thinking about all those times Lionel had brought her there. Lex would come too, in those earlier memories, and it was with bitter fondness that she visited that place. It was one of the few places she associated some fond memories with._

 

_At the time that her phone rang, she wasn’t at the park. She was sitting in her car outside of the house, waiting for her brother to leave for his nightly trips to the city’s most popular gambling dens and exclusive nightclubs, watching as he staggered outside, already half a bottle of whisky into his night, while a cluster of young women decked out in gifted jewelry and designer brands given to them by Lex, followed after him and his entourage. They were a rotating selection, content to be Lex’s playthings for as long as he spoiled them, and were dumped as soon as he tired of them. She was watching them all make for the limousine parked outside the front door when her phone started buzzing in her pocket._

 

            “Lena Luthor?” _an unfamiliar voice greeted her, shaking slightly._

 

_“Yes?”_

 

            “Meet me at the- the park you walk in every … every day in twenty minutes.”

 

_“Excuse me?” Lena spluttered, pulling the phone away from her ear to look down at the lit screen with the unfamiliar number._

 

 _The voice started talking again, and she quickly pressed it back against her ear, listening to the heavy breathing in between words._ “It’s about … it’s- _fuck_ , it’s about your family’s safety.”

 

_A prickle of unease ran down her spine, and she hesitated for a moment, listening to the ragged breaths of the woman on the other end. “Who is this?”_

 

            “Twenty minutes.”

 

_The line went dead after that and Lena was left staring at the break lights of the limo, before it pulled away with her brother inside. Lena wasn’t overly concerned with her family’s safety - they weren’t good people, so why should she care if someone had it out for them? It wasn’t like they didn’t deserve it. If she knew that her brother could be imprisoned, she would’ve turned him in herself, but she knew from a young age that people in her family could get away with anything. They had enough money to throw at all of their problems, so what was the point? She didn’t care anymore. She couldn’t stop them, and she certainly wouldn’t help them._

 

_But there was something about the phone call that made her hesitate. Something about that voice seemed desperate, and scared, and Lena felt uneasy as she gripped her steering wheel, sitting outside her house and dusk fully turned into night. With the inner city traffic, it would take twenty minutes for her to get to the park anyway, and after a brief moment of pause, Lena started her car and sped off down the street._

 

_It started to rain as she drove through the city, rain splattering her windscreen, growing steadily heavier, and she felt unease twist her stomach as she neared her destination. Parking outside the park, she climbed out and hunched her shoulders against the biting wind and downpour of rain. The trees were dark shadows against the night, and the night was quiet beneath the canopy, as if she was transported to somewhere else, and not in the middle of National City. Rain dripped down from the leaves, and she splashed through puddles as she wandered along the paths. Ducks quacked nearby, off in the darkness, and she looked around anxiously, wondering if this was one of her brother’s games._

 

_She made it to the closed ice cream stall in the middle of the park, and sat down on a bench, looking out at the inky surface of the pond. The water dimpled as rain pattered against the surface, and she curled in on herself as she listened to the muted sounds of the city and waited. No one came, and she was debating whether or not to leave, when she heard a quiet cry off in the distance._

 

_Shooting to her feet, Lena brushed wet strands of hair out of her face as she peered into the darkness, her skin prickling as she looked around. It had sounded like a baby’s cry. Taking a slow step forward, she frowned, water running down her face, and took another hesitant step forward. There was another sharp cry, and she jerked her head towards the flickering yellow light outside the toilets. Quickly heading towards it, her curiosity piqued, she paused outside, before pushing the door open and ducking into the frigid air of the public toilets._

 

_“Hello?” she hesitantly called out._

 

_A muffled sob and a baby’s wail greeted her, and she frowned as she stepped further in, walking past two stalls with open doors and finding nothing inside. The last ones door was shut, and she could see a knee sticking out from beneath it. Reaching out, she gingerly pushed the door open, before it stopped against the woman’s leg._

 

_“Hello?” Lena softly called again._

 

_There was a shifting sound inside, and Lena hovered outside, waiting as the door was pulled open to reveal a woman with tear stained cheeks, holding a baby in her arms. She was oddly familiar to Lena, and she took a wary step back, her eyes going to the blood and the coat laying on the dirty toilet floor._

 

_“What-”_

 

_“You probably don’t remember me,” the young woman said, her voice hoarse from crying. She held the baby slightly away from herself, and Lena was horrified to see that it was covered in blood and the white, greasy substance of a newborn baby._

 

_Looking at the baby with wide eyes, Lena’s lips parted, but no words came out. Eventually, she looked up, meeting the woman’s dark brown eyes, and was struck with familiarity again. “I do,” she murmured, her eyebrows drawing together in a frown, “I don’t- I don’t know where … but I know you.”_

 

_“Your brother-”_

 

_Closing her eyes, Lena slowly exhaled, “you’re one of his girls.”_

 

_The woman pressed her lips together in a hard line, irritation flickering in her eyes, and she made a sound of annoyance at the back of her throat. “Yes.”_

 

_Crossing her arms over her chest, Lena shivered in the cool air and gave her a sceptical look. “What do you want from me?”_

 

_“This is his baby,” the woman eventually said._

 

 _Eyebrows rising in surprise, Lena took a step closer, craning her neck to look down at the baby’s face, realising that the woman must've just given birth on the dirty floor of the public restroom. She knew her brother used and discarded women as he pleased, and it wouldn’t be a surprise if he’d managed to get one of them pregnant, but she failed to see how it concerned her. It wasn’t_ her _baby._

 

_“How do I know you’re telling the truth.”_

 

_The woman let out a strangled laugh, choking as she wiped her cheek as more tears ran down it, the baby nestled up in the crook of her elbow. “What have I got to gain by telling you?”_

 

_“Do you want money? Is that what you want?” Lena bluntly asked. “Are you too afraid to ask my brother? Or is it not his so-”_

 

_The woman blanched slightly, a look of anger running across her face, and she gave Lena a wounded look. “I won’t let your brother anywhere near her.”_

 

_“Then what-”_

 

_“I-I can’t- I can’t have her. You have to take her.”_

 

 _Spluttering, Lena stepped back again, nearing the cracked porcelain sinks lining the wall, her wet shoes squeaking on the dirty tiled floor._ “Me?! _No, no. This is not my problem, lady.”_

 

 _“If you don’t take her … he’ll kill her,” the woman said, her voice cracking. “You know what he’s like. You know what he’ll do to her, even if he takes her in. Should any child have to be raised around_ that?”

 

_Lena’s sharp retort died on her lips, and she pressed her lips into a flat line as she was assaulted by dozens of memories. She flinched at the thought of men screaming, the sound of bones snapping, the feeling of her knuckles splitting as her father made her learn how to box, the sound of a gun firing, and the smell of gunpowder and metal clinging to her skin as she spent hours learning how to use different types of guns. That wasn’t the kind of life she’d wish upon anyone, even if it came with wealth and power. She swallowed the lump in her throat and numbly shook her head._

 

_“But … what do you want me to do with her?”_

 

_“I don’t know,” the woman cried, a sob working its way up her throat as she held the baby out towards Lena. “But you have to take her. Y-you have to make sure he doesn’t hurt her. Please.”_

 

_Reaching out for the baby, Lena took her in her arms, the feeling unfamiliar and strange, and she gingerly held her in the crook of her arm, staring down at the brown eyes, identical to the woman’s, and felt a lump form in her throat. Tucking the woman’s sweater tightly around the baby, Lena looked up, a dubious look on her face. “And what about you?”_

 

_“There’s nothing left for me,” the woman said, her voice trembling as she raised her chin slightly. “I told them what he did. The police. I told them everything I knew.”_

 

_Lena’s face turned paler, and she gave the woman a grave look. “He’ll kill you for that.”_

 

_“No, he won’t,” the woman firmly said, setting her shoulders as she evenly met Lena’s gaze. Her brown eyes were swimming with tears, and she gave Lena a wavering smile. “Look after my little girl for me, Lena.”_

 

_She didn’t see the gun until the woman had it pressed up under her chin. Lena’s eyes went wide as she took a lunging step forward, her shout of warning swallowed up by the sound of the gun firing. Too late, Lena squeezed her eyes shut, pressing the baby to her chest as she turned around, putting her back to the woman as she shot herself. The sound of the body crumpling to the floor was sickeningly loud, and Lena opened her eyes long enough to find the sink, before she vomited into it, her whole body shaking as she tried to ignore the choking smell of blood coming from behind her._

 

 _Alone, with a newborn baby in her arms, Lena started to cry. She cried until the baby started to cry, and with startling surprise, Lena looked down at the screwed up face and felt something break inside her. If this_ was _her brother’s child, then she couldn’t let him anywhere near her, and if it wasn’t, then she had no idea who the father was, and the girl’s mother lay dead on the floor behind her. Cradling her protectively against her shoulder, Lena bit back a sob as she tenderly held the baby’s head in her hand, knowing that whatever happened next, she couldn’t just leave her. This was her chance to do something good, to show that she was different to the rest of her family. This was her chance to give this little girl the childhood that she’d never had, and that included a mother that would love her._

 

_\---_

 

            “She’s Lex’s,” Lena numbly told Kara, memories of that night still bombarding her, “or at least the woman who gave her to me said. I don’t know. I never got a paternity test. It never mattered. She just- she needed a mom … so I gave her that.”

 

            Shaking her head, Kara looked at her with wide, blue eyes, her lips parted as she was left speechless. The doctor hesitantly cleared her throat. “Miss Luthor? We need to make a decision as quickly as possible. Do you- the father … do you know what his blood type is? Would he possibly donate?”

 

            “He’s O. I-I … shot him. At the park. He might be dead.”

 

            “What’s his name?” the doctor quickly asked, her eyes burning with determination as she grabbed Lena’s arm.

 

            “Alexander Luthor.”

 

            Letting go, she called one of the interns over and quickly sent them off to see if any new patients had been brought in with a gunshot wound from the park that Laurel had been transported from. He wouldn’t be far behind them if the paramedics had brought Lex straight to the hospital, and if he was going to die anyway, then at least his organs could be used for something good.

 

            “Miss Luthor?” the doctor called again, “the father … do you know the family?”

 

            “He’s my- my brother.”

 

            “Your brother,” the doctor repeated with surprise, “oh, okay, well, um, if- if he’s in … bad condition, there may be a chance that we could use his liver. We would need consent from a family member. _You.”_

 

            Nodding, Lena swallowed thickly, blinking back tears. “Yes. Yes, I consent.”

 

            The doctor nodded and gently ushered her out of the room, and Kara pressed her hand against Lena’s lower back, both of them led towards the waiting room while the intern went to find Lex. If he was on the brink of death, and they couldn’t save him - which they’d have to try very hard to - he could be the organ donor, and Lena silently prayed for his death, not feeling even slightly remorseful for wishing it. Her brother was a bad person, and the fact that he might die didn’t change that. Him dying and his organs being used to save someone else would be the kindest thing he’d ever done in his miserable life. Lightheaded, exhausted and brimming with throbbing pain, Lena numbly sat on a chair, hand pressed against the slow bleeding wound in her thigh, and waited to find out the fate of her daughter.

 

            She sat there for what felt like forever, but couldn’t have been longer than ten minutes, before the doctor reappeared, a grave look on her face as she came to a stop in front of Lena. Gingerly climbing to her feet, fighting back a flinch of pain, Lena gave her an expectant look, full of hope as her bottom lip started to quiver and tears threatened to prick her eyes.

 

            “Miss Luthor,” the doctor softly greeted her, “paramedics rushed your brother straight here, but Alexander was down on arrival. Doctors attempted to resuscitate him but were unsuccessful.”

 

            Glancing to Kara, who had risen and taken hold of her hand, Lena frowned in confusion, “that- that’s good, right? That means we can use his organs-”

 

            She cut off as Kara started to shake her head, before looking back to the doctor, who was giving her a strange look at being so hopeful about her own brother's death. “Unfortunately he was down for too long. All blood supply was cut off, which means that the organs aren’t viable. I’m very sorry.”

 

            “But … Laurel,” Lena said, her voice cracking on her daughter’s name.

 

            “I’ll do it,” Kara declared, stepping slightly forward, “my blood type is O.”

 

            Head whipping around to face her, Lena looked at her with fear in her eyes. “What? No!”

 

            Spluttering, Kara looked at her with surprise, “what do you mean, _no?_ She needs a liver, Lena. She needs one now, or she’s going to die.”

 

            “And what about _you?_ Surgery is risky for anyone. Am I supposed to risk losing you too? I- I'll ask my mom, or- or-”

 

            As hard as she tried, Lena started to cry again, tears streaming down her cheeks as she ducked her head down, too scared to even entertain the thought. Pressing her hand to her mouth, she bit back a sob and hunched her shoulders. They didn’t have many options, and Kara was offering up the easiest course of action, but it scared Lena even more than she already was. What if she lost them both? But even as the thought crossed her mind, she knew that she would be devastated if she lost Kara, but she would never recover if she lost her daughter. In Lena’s eyes, Laurel was hers completely. No one else’s. And she loved her more than anyone else, including Kara. It only made her cry harder to admit it to herself, but she knew that she had to let Kara to do this.

 

            Cold hands cupped her cheeks and Lena was forced to raise her head as Kara gently urged her to meet her gaze. With a wavering smile, Kara rested her forehead against Lena’s. “I’ll be fine, Lena. I’m going to fix this, okay? She is mine too. She’s always been a little bit mine, and I couldn’t love her more if she _was_ mine. So I’m going to do this for her.”

 

            Reaching up, Lena pressed her bloody hand to her face, “I love you.”

 

            “I know you do,” Kara whispered, peeling Lena’s hand from her face and pressing a soft kiss to her palm, “and you know how I’ve always felt about you. We’re a family; let me make sure that we stay that way.”

 

            Nodding, Lena took a step back, her eyes on the floor, and she sat down hard onto her seat as she listened to Kara and Laurel’s doctor talk. Her vision blurred around the edges, and her breathing was loud to her ears as everything seemed to fade into the background. All too quickly, things were progressing, and she blinked in surprise as Kara cupped her cheek and gave her a chaste kiss, leaving her alone in the waiting room while she was escorted off by Laurel’s doctor.

 

            A hollow feeling grew inside her, and she felt sickly faint as she swam in and out of consciousness, sitting slumped in her seat as people rushed around her. She wasn’t sure at which point she passed out exactly, but the last thing she remembered was darkness encroaching on her as she studied a woman sitting with her child on the chairs in the corner, fighting back the rising emotions inside her, and the next thing she knew, she was waking up on a hospital bed in the emergency room.

 

            Leaden eyes peeling open to the harsh fluorescent strip light above her, Lena winced and recoiled back onto the thin hospital mattress, her eyes quickly shutting as they stung with tears. Her eyelids were painted red inside and she frowned as she realised that she was cold. Clumsily wrapping her arms around herself, she made a sound of annoyance as wires resisted the movement.

 

            “Look who decided to finally wake up,” a voice to her right said, and Lena’s eyes flew open as she fully awoke.

 

            Blinking slowly, she pushed herself up onto her elbows and took in the sight of Sam sitting on a low stool beside the bed, dark circles under her eyes, nurses scrubs on, and a relieved smile curling her lips. “Sam,” Lena croaked.

 

            “Take it easy,” her friend warned her, rising to her feet to ease Lena back down onto the bed, “you lost a lot of blood. You nearly gave us a heart attack when Laurel’s intern came to bring us to you and you were passed out in the waiting room. Everyone thought you were asleep at first, but, well … I know you. You’re so stubborn you’d refuse to fall asleep until you knew if they were both out okay.”

 

            “Are they?” she hoarsely asked, her heart rate picking up on the monitor as panic welled up inside.

 

            Giving her a small smile, Sam squeezed her shoulder, “Kara’s out, but Laurel’s still going. It’s been about six hours.”

 

            Trying to sit up, Lena stubbornly grit her teeth as pain flared up in her leg. She realised she was wearing a paper-thin hospital gown, and her right thigh was heavily bandaged where the stab wound had been stitched up. An IV was stuck into her left arm, and a bag of blood steadily dripped back into her. “I have to see her.”

 

            “Oh no,” Sam laughed, “no, no, you have to stay right here. She’s in the ICU for now, so you can’t see her anyway. They’ll move her up to a ward in a few hours, and then when she wakes up they might let you in.”

 

            Blinking back tears, Lena slowly nodded, falling back against the bed in defeat. Turning her head to the side, she looked at Sam and gave her a questioning look. “How long have you been here?”

 

            “Four hours,” she replied with a shrug, “I was on shift when Alex called me to say that Kara called her and let her know what happened. I mean, it was a quick call so Alex isn’t even sure what happened, but … it’s a real mess. The police are here. They want to talk to you. Alex went to talk to them as your lawyer. And to get snacks. She hasn’t come back since.”

 

            “You look exhausted. You should go home,” Lena sighed, her eyelids dragging closed again. They must’ve given her something for the pain, she assumed, and it must’ve been wearing off, because she could feel the burn in her leg, but her mind was foggy and her body felt heavy.

 

            Quietly chuckling, Sam gave her a grim smile, “you should see yourself. I didn’t think you could get any paler.”

 

            Snorting, Lena fumbled across the hospital bed, flipping her hand over and reaching for Sam, who rolled her stool forward to slip her hand into Lena’s, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’ve missed you.”

 

            “Me too. You shouldn’t be allowed to go off on your own. You just get yourself into trouble every time.”

 

            Lena winced as she laughed. “Alex has always been right about that.”

 

            “Mm, well, she’s not blaming you for this one.”

 

            “She should,” Lena murmured. “I was stupid.”

 

            “It’s all going to be fine,” Sam quietly soothed her, rubbing her thumb over the back of Lena’s hand, “you just need to rest. Go to sleep and I’ll wake you up when Laurel gets out of surgery.”

 

            The curtain was torn back and Alex stood on the other side, an armful of snacks from a vending machine held closely to her chest, and she gave Lena a half-hearted smile as she nodded. “You might have to hold off on sleep. Someone wants to talk to you.”

 

            Further pulling back the curtain, a smaller woman was revealed, wearing a uniform and giving Lena a grim look. “Lena.”

 

            “Maggie?” Lena said with surprise, wincing as she dragged herself up into a sitting position, dragging her leg with her.

 

            “I, uh, I need you to answer a few questions,” the other woman said, pulling out a notepad and pen, looking a little embarrassed to be there after the way that things had been between the two of them the last time they’d met. Lena wondered how it was for Alex, who had broken up with her, and she cast a look at the other woman, taking in the furtive glances she kept giving the short cop. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not a good time, but-”

 

            Shaking her head, Lena gave her a hard look, “no, no. It’s fine. I want to help.”

 

            “Right,” Maggie said, hesitantly clearing her throat, before gesturing to her partner, who lingered behind slightly, and introducing him.

 

            Stepping into the confines of the curtain, Alex tossed Sam a bar of chocolate and a bottle of soda and eased herself onto the edge of Lena’s bed, opening a bag of chips and handing them over to her. Giving her a small smile, Lena mumbled a thank you and plucked one out, watching as Maggie and her partner stepped in and drew the curtain around them.

 

            They were blunt with their questions, both of them writing notes, and Lena tried to be as forthcoming as she could with her information, although she kept DEO information to herself. It hurt her to recount the events that had just transpired, things a little blurry or confusing with how fast it had all happened, and she was only half-focused on the conversation as her mind was occupied with thoughts of her daughter’s surgery, and thoughts of the woman she loved, unconscious somewhere else in the hospital.

 

            Still, she did the best that she could, picking at the snacks that Alex fed her, propped up on the bed that Sam adjusted for her, and did her best to cooperate. They didn’t keep her long, and Maggie was apologetic about the intrusion, leaving as fast as she could, although Alex went after her, trying to justify herself to Sam and Lena as it being about ensuring that Lena wasn’t going to be held accountable for Lex’s death. Lena was too tired to care, and was mildly taken by surprise to remember that her brother had died from the gunshot wound to the chest she’d inflicted. It seemed surreal. He’d tormented her for years, trapping her with his threats and his games, and it hardly seemed real that she was free. Lena didn’t think she’d believe it for a long while.

 

            By the time they’d gone, and a doctor had come by to check on her, removing the empty blood bag and detaching the IV, Kara had awoken, and Lena was eager to see her. Laurel’s surgery should be over soon, she’d been informed, which meant that she needed to see Kara before her daughter woke up. Shortly after she’d been permitted to leave her bed, but only under strict instructions that she stay in a wheelchair, she let Sam wheel her up to the right floor, while Alex carried the remainder of their snacks and followed behind.

 

            Upon arrival at the private room they’d but Kara in, Lena’s eyes flooded with tears, although she’d known that Kara wasn’t injured, and she had to take a deep breath to steady herself before Sam wheeled her in after Alex. Propped up on the pillows, looking wan and tired, Kara gave Lena a faint smile as she entered, which quickly turned to concern at the fact that she was being wheeled in.

 

            “What happened?” Kara gasped.

 

            “It’s nothing,” Lena said, giving her a tearful smile as she shakily laughed.

 

            With a heavy sigh, Alex took a seat in one of the chairs up against the far wall and gave Lena a hard look, “Lena forgot to mention she got stabbed. We found her in the waiting room passed out from blood loss.”

 

            “I’m fine,” Lena quickly assured Kara, who was about to scold her. “It was just a little cut on my leg. I got it looked at while you were being operated on. It’s nothing, really. Now, how’re you feeling?”

 

            With a snort of laughter, Kara waved her hand, brushing aside the question. “They gave me pain meds. I can’t feel a thing. How’s Ducky?”

 

            “She-” Lena faltered for a moment, “she’s not out yet.”

 

            Kara paused for a moment, before a hesitant smile stretched across her face. “I’m sure it’s going perfectly. She has your stubbornness, so it has to, right?”

 

            “Exactly,” Alex said, a look of worry in her brown eyes, even as she tried to be optimistic, for everyone else’s sakes.

 

           Weakly chuckling, Lena nodded, giving Kara a strained smile, even as her eyes softened with love. "Thank you, Kara. Thank you."

 

           With a dismissive wave of her hand, Kara gave her a dopey smile, and Lena knew that she would've done it again in a heartbeat. For Lena and her daughter, Kara would do anything, and Lena didn't think she could have loved her more at that moment. They were relatively quiet as they let Kara rest, keeping her company as they were all left alone with their thoughts. Sam was tired from a long shift, Lena was still feeling faint from her blood loss and fighting off her brother, and Kara drifted in and out of consciousness, high on pain medication. Lena’s thoughts were completely occupied with thoughts of her daughter, and it was nearly another hour before her doctor came and gave her a tired smile of relief, informing her that the transplant had gone well and that she should be fine.

 

            If she had any more tears left inside her, Lena supposed she would’ve cried, but as it was, she was completely drained and was weak with relief as Sam wheeled her to the children’s ward to see her daughter as soon as she was allowed to. She left Kara to rest with a parting kiss on the back of her hand, and a quiet warning for her not to strain herself. Slinking down in her wheelchair, Lena was led through wide hallways, the smell of antiseptic making her slightly nauseous as her stomach already tied itself into knots, and she grew more anxious with each passing moment, until she couldn’t stand the thought of being away from her daughter for a moment longer. Sam led her to the ward they’d been given and opened up a door, revealing the dimly lit room covered in colourful patterned kids things.

 

            Laurel was unconscious on the bed, machines monitoring her vitals, and Lena had to swallow the lump that rose in her throat as she took in the thin form of her daughter’s body beneath the covers. Sam wheeled her over to the side of the bed, and Lena took in the pallid look of Laurel’s tanned skin, the dark circles beneath her eyes, and the unusual stillness. She was normally so energetic, barely able to sit still, always laughing and asking questions, or asking Lena to play with her or take her to the park. It felt wrong to see her laying so still in a hospital room, all stiff and straight. She usually slept all splayed out, taking up a surprising amount of room for such a small person, and Lena choked on a sob as she reached out to brush dark curls out of her face, tracing the side of her daughter’s face.

 

            At Lena’s insistence, Sam left to go home to her own daughter, and she sat in silence beside her daughter, watching her chest rise and fall and silently thanking Kara as her heart filled with an impossible amount of love. Things had gone from bad to worse in such a short period of time that Lena was having trouble trying to process everything, but all she knew in that moment was that she loved her daughter, and she loved her best friend, and both of them were safe. That was enough for her for now. They’d have to slowly piece things back together, possibly taking even longer than she’d originally anticipated, now that Kara needed time to recover from surgery, and she’d have to look after her daughter, but for the first time in what felt like forever, she felt safe. Despite the circumstances, she felt safe from the threat of her family, and felt like she had all the time in the world to figure things out now. Once everyone had healed, there would be time for it all. At the moment, all she cared about was her daughter waking up.

 

            It was dark outside by the time that Laurel finally stirred, the room lit by the lamp on the nightstand, and Lena was quickly alert as she heard the rustle of the blankets, blinking back sleep as she sat up straight, holding her daughter’s hand tightly in her own. She gently squeezed the cold fingers and watched as Laurel’s eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks.

 

            “Ducky?”

 

            “Mommy?” her daughter slurred, eyelashes batting more rapidly before they managed to part to reveal almond-shaped brown eyes.

 

            Lena’s face split into a smile as her eyes filled with tears, love welling up inside her as she let out a weak laugh of relief. Kissing the back of her daughter’s hand, she let go with one hand to gently cup her cheek and run her thumb over a high cheekbone. “It’s me,” Lena choked out, “it’s your mom.”


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> congrats to everyone for pushing through the hell that is james and lena, we did it lads x

            Lena spent the night at the hospital, keeping vigil by her daughter’s bedside as nurses and doctors occasionally crept in to check up on Laurel. Sam stopped by to leave Lena a spare change of clothes she kept in her locker and set a cup of coffee down on the nightstand before she finally went home for the night. It was from a vending machine and barely qualified as coffee, but in her stupor, Lena didn’t care. She was just grateful for something to warm the cold knot in her stomach, and she mumbled and unintelligible thanks to Sam before her friend left. Lena wasn’t even aware of _when_ she left, only that she became aware of her absence at some point during the night.

 

            Under the effects of the strong drugs, Laurel was out cold for most of the time Lena sat by her bedside, thinking of Kara as she watched over her daughter, and Lena was left to her own thoughts. She couldn't recall any vivid memories from that night, her whole body sagging with exhaustion as she slumped in the seat, the empty coffee cup clutched in her hand and night dragging on into day without little fuss. A nurse came to change Laurel’s dressings and an intern checked her vitals, and Lena was dimly aware of their presence and her mind managed to latch onto their optimistic words, but she was too numb and detached to think much of it.

 

            Her eyes were itching with burning tiredness by the time the window was outlined in the grey light of dawn, narrow beams falling through the cracks in the blinds, and Lena was grey-faced and hollow-eyed in her chair. Her eyes were latched onto the thin body beneath the hospital blankets with no sign that she was even _seeing_ her daughter laying there, as her mind replayed snapshots of the series of events from the day before.

 

            It wasn’t until Laurel stirred, a small moan slipping past her lips as she feebly stretched and pulled at the stitches, that a spark of life sprung to her eyes. Straightening up, she became suddenly alert as her daughter shifted on the bed, the monitors whirring and beeping beside her, and Lena half-rose to her feet, leaning forward to brush dark curls off of Laurel’s forehead. Slowly, her daughter came to consciousness, her eyes glassy and cheeks flushed from the drugs, an unfocused look about her, and she didn’t speak as she slowly blinked.

 

            Lena mumbled nonsense as she tenderly stroked Laurel’s hair, her eyes stinging with tears and the tension in her chest loosening as she sat with her daughter. A doctor came around for morning rounds in colourful scrubs, and Lena gently coaxed food into her daughter when breakfast was brought before she was ushered out of the room and given orders to leave for a couple of hours while they took care of her daughter. Lena was loathed to leave, but she knew that she needed some air before the timeless stuffiness of the hospital room drove her mad. Changing into Sam’s clothes before she left, Lena wandered the hallways of the hospital until she found Kara’s ward, deciding to visit her before she left, even though her stomach lurched nervously at the thought of seeing her again.

 

            She knocked on the doorframe and smiled slightly as Kara turned away from the window to see who was there. Some of the tension inside Lena receded as she watched Kara’s expression lift, and she took a tentative step inside. Kara tried to hide a wince as she shifted up in bed.

 

            “Hi,” Lena softly said, lingering just inside the door.

 

            Golden sunlight spilt in through the half-drawn blinds, and Kara’s face was washed yellow, giving her a healthier glow than her somewhat pallid skin had up close. Her eyes were lively though, deep blue and alert, although the corners were faintly creased with pain. She gave Lena a smile.

 

            “Hi. How’s Laurel?”

 

            Giving her a tired shrug, Lena ran a hand through her hair. Her eyelids felt leaden and she knew she looked awful, but she was comforted by Kara’s presence. “She’s … okay. Stable. The transplant went well.”

 

            “Good,” Kara nodded, a look of relief washing over her, “they wouldn’t tell me anything.”

 

            “Sorry, I should’ve come and told you. I just- I haven’t even gone home yet … as you can probably see.”

 

            “It’s okay.”

 

            Lena swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. Feeling a little uncomfortable, as if she wasn’t sure whether or not she should be there, she shifted awkwardly, trying to brush out the wrinkles in her borrowed clothes, favouring her good leg as she avoided meeting Kara’s doe-eyed stare. There were flowers on the nightstand, and Lena felt sheepish, the thought of getting Kara flowers having not even crossed her mind.

 

            “Are you going to come over here or just hover in the doorway?” Kara asked, her voice coloured with amusement.

 

            Opening her mouth for a moment, Lena found herself speechless. Mouth closing and lips pressed into a thin line, she turned around and stepped back out of the room, her cheeks burning red as she shut the door behind her, listening to Kara’s spluttered protests through the wood. Pausing for a moment, Lena felt guilt well up inside her, and she set off through the hospital hallways.

 

            With no money on her, she had to walk back home to her apartment, her thigh burning as the stitches were pulled taut from the fast pace she set. As she walked, with the brisk city air chasing the smell of antiseptic and death from her memory, her stupidity crept up on her and she walked with her head ducked down, shamefaced and limping. Block after block passed by, and it took her over an hour to get back to the familiar building, punching the button for the elevator and making her way up to her apartment.

 

            It was the first time she’d been home since Lex had come and ushered her out at gunpoint, and the place felt eerie as she stepped inside. The wooden floorboards felt cold, the plants outside were wilting from a lack of water, the place smelt of stale coffee from the pot that had never finished brewing, and Lena found herself reluctant to go inside. It just didn’t feel like home. Home was where she’d just come from, the place that made her feel calm and safe, with Kara and with Laurel.

 

            Still, she forced herself to take a wary step inside and shut the door behind her. She didn’t bolt it, or draw the chain or even lock it, and it was with almost numbing surprise that she realised she wouldn’t have to lock it again. Her brother was dead. She’d shot him in the chest and now he was dead. After the events of the day before, Lena had almost forgotten that fact, too sick with worry about her daughter finding a liver, and then about the surgery, and as she’d sat by Laurel’s bedside through the night, she’d been so tired that she hadn’t even been fully conscious. This was the first time that it hit her hard, and her chest felt constricted as she fell back against the door.

 

            Clumsily sliding down it, she drew in ragged breaths as she clenched fistfuls of dark hair at her hairline, hunching forward as a sickening feeling unsettled her stomach. With each ragged breath, her nausea grew stronger, until she had to scramble to her feet, hand clamped down over her mouth as she lurched towards the kitchen sink. Bile burned its way up her throat as she tightly gripped the edge of the counter, and a cold sweat broke out all over her body, an involuntary shiver wracking her as she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to suppress the series of images that flashed behind closed eyelids.

 

            She stood in the kitchen like a statue until her stomach settled and her leg started to ache. Tired eyes burning, throat scratchy from the bile, and her whole body bruised and aching in the borrowed clothes that Sam had lent her, Lena forced herself down the hallway and into the bathroom. The tiled room radiated a soothing coldness that felt good against Lena’s clammy skin as she shed her clothes, and she stepped under the sputtering showerhead before the water even had time to warm up.

 

            Her leg was faintly stained red from the blood that had seeped through her bloody jeans and the dressing over her stitches had a long, dark stain from where the wound had been bleeding. Looking down at herself, she took in the bruises and felt each individual ache, gingerly lathering soap over herself as she probed the dappled bruises and tender spots that were the price of grappling with her brother on the hard, leafy floor of the park.

 

            While not exactly soothing, the shower was refreshing, and she felt more awake as she splashed cold water in her face from the faucet, staring at her pasty complexion in the bathroom sink. Her skin prickled from the cold as she dripped onto the tiled floor, mechanically brushing her teeth and ridding her mouth of the sour taste of bile. Her dark hair was plastered to her face in knotty tendrils, and Lena let go of her toothbrush to pluck a sliver of a rotting leaf from her hair, before dropping it in the sink and spitting out a mouthful of foam.

 

            Half an hour later, she was dressed in an expensive navy silk shirt, a pair of tailored beige pants and kitten heels, her hair was sleekly pulled back into a knot and she looked far from the woman that had stumbled into the apartment. A handbag slung over one shoulder and her purse in hand, she made her way downstairs and hailed down a cab on the street corner.

 

            The return trip back to the hospital was quick and she was full of remorse as she knocked on Kara’s door again, cracking it open to peer inside. At the sound of the disturbance, Kara groggily looked towards her, perking up at the familiar sight of Lena, and she gave her a wry smile as she pushed herself upright.

 

            “Are you staying this time?” Kara asked, her voice hoarse from sleep.

 

            Two spots of colour blossomed high on Lena’s cheekbones and she pushed the door open further to reveal the bouquet of pink peonies, creamy roses and lavender, a begging look in her eyes as she silently tried to convey her apology and hope that Kara could understand. Stepping inside, Lena resolutely shut the door behind her and crossed over to Kara’s beside to set the flowers down on the nightstand. The mattress sank beneath her weight as she perched down on the edge of the bed, a morose look on her face as she stared down at her hands in her lap.

 

            “They’re beautiful,” Kara murmured, reaching out to gently caress a delicate flower.

 

            Glancing up, Lena met her gaze and gave her a grim smile. “I’m sorry.”

 

            “It’s okay.”

 

            “I just … I didn’t know what to say to you.”

 

            Letting out a snort of laughter, Kara raised her eyebrows slightly. “You don’t have to say anything.”

 

            “I do,” Lena said, a wave of emotions washing over her as she perched on the edge of the bed. Drawing in a shaky breath she sniffed and gently cleared her throat. “I just … I don’t know how to explain.”

 

            “You don’t need to, Lena. She’s your daughter.”

 

            Wiping at her eyes before tears could even think about spilling over, Lena’s face crumpled into a confused frown and she felt that confusion echoed inside her. There was a hollow feeling inside, and a lump formed in her throat.

 

            “I know,” Lena mumbled, “but I- it feels … _wrong.”_

 

 _“Wrong?_ What’s wrong?”

 

            “This. Being here. We’re supposed to be having space, and time, and now you’re in the hospital because you donated part of your liver to my daughter, who’s biologically my niece and was given to me by her mother before she killed herself. My brother’s dead because I shot him, my daughter’s in a different wing because _he_ had _her_ shot. And I’ve been lying to you about who her parents are for nearly _seven years_. So I’d say just about everything’s _wrong,_ Kara.”

 

            Tears welled up as she spoke, and Lena let out a shaky breath as she closed her eyes, turning her head away from Kara. A knot of worry sat heavily inside her heart, and she was stricken with guilt as she sat on the edge of Kara’s bed, exhausted to the point where she could barely think straight, and she felt like everything was coming out wrong.

 

            “Hey, look at me,” Kara gently urged her, reaching out to take one of her cold, clammy hands in her own. Lena opened her eyes and turned her head to stare down at their entwined fingers. Hers were grazed from scrabbling in the dirt, and Kara’s fingernails still held crescents of blood from where she’d put pressure against Laurel’s wound. The sight made Lena feel sick. “Lena.”

 

            At the sound of her name, she couldn’t help but let her gaze flicker upwards, intending to meet Kara’s eyes for a brief moment, but getting stuck at the love swimming in her blue eyes. Finding herself feeling very inadequate at that moment, Lena’s face crumpled and she tightened her grip on Kara’s hand, afraid that she’d pull away.

 

            “When has it ever felt wrong for us to be around each other?” Kara asked, one side of her mouth curling up into a small smile. “It’s just you and me; I wouldn’t want you anywhere else. I think surgery is a good enough excuse for us to reconcile, don’t you think?”

 

            Lena choked out a laugh of surprise, giving Kara a watery smile as she wiped her face. “I wish we had a better excuse. Better circumstances.”

 

            “Of course,” Kara dryly replied, giving her fingers a squeeze, “but I wouldn’t want to be here without you. It doesn’t feel right when you’re not around. That’s the only time it’s ever felt wrong to me.”

 

            “It didn’t feel _wrong_ to you that first night you took me home? You didn’t think for a second that it might not be my baby?”

 

            Making a choked sound of amusement, making her wince, Kara shrugged half-heartedly. “I think I told you that night about my first time assisting in an ambulance. The fourteen-year-old who-”

 

            “Didn’t know she was pregnant and gave birth in the back. I remember,” Lena softly finished.

 

            “I think maybe I was too easily taken in because I knew it could happen. And besides, it wasn’t my place to ask. I think … I should’ve known though. Maybe some part of me did. I don’t know. You wouldn’t breastfeed. You wouldn’t go to the hospital for yourself. You didn’t even wince at walking. I just knew you needed help.”

 

            “I should’ve told you though, but I didn’t trust you. Not at the beginning. And then by the time I _did_ trust you, it was too late.”

 

            Giving her a soft smile full of understanding, Kara shook her head. “You don’t owe me any explanations, Lena. She’s your daughter. She’s always been yours, and you’re the only one that can make these decisions for her. You thought you were protecting her by keeping him a secret, I get it. That doesn’t need explaining.”

 

            “You said it yourself; she’s always been a bit yours too,” Lena said, her voice cracking as she gave Kara a wavering smile, “I think … I just didn’t want him to have any claim over her. That even speaking it would give him some kind of monopoly on who she was. A name can be a powerful thing, and I’ve lived with mine long enough to know that there are only bad things associated with it. I wanted it to be different for her. I don’t think … I’ll ever be able to tell her, and maybe that’s cruel, but she does _not_ belong to him. Not a single bit of her.”

 

            She grit her teeth together as she spoke, a slow, simmering anger colouring her voice as irrational fear crept up on her. No one knew that Laurel wasn’t hers, no one except Kara and Laurel’s doctor, and now Lex was dead. There was no threat, no reason to be afraid. In a few months, Laurel would be turning seven, and Lena would bake her a clumsy cake fashioned after her daughter’s latest obsession, and all of their friends would be there, and no one would ever know that Lena had taken her from the shaking hands of another woman on a rainy August night. No one would take her away from her.

 

            “And no one will ever think anything else,” Kara gently assured her. Her words held the promise of secrecy, that she’d never tell anyone the truth, that she’d keep Lena’s words to herself, because to Kara, it made little difference. In her mind, Lena was her mother, just like Eliza was hers. Blood held little relevance in the matter. “She is your daughter, through and through. She’s kind and smart, and _God_ she’s stubborn.”

 

            Lena laughed along with Kara, a warmth kindling in her chest, and she met her sparkling blue eyes, giving her a small smile as she found the tension bleeding out of her. Of course, Kara would be able to smooth it all out for her. She’d always had a way of making things seem easy, and Lena had been envious of her for it, watching her naturally mother Laurel in a way that had come difficultly to her in the beginning. Lena had come to realise that she made other things easier though. They balanced each other in a way that was almost effortlessly easy. Kara was right; things could never be wrong between them. There was too much about them being together that just felt _right._ The three of them were a family, as much as any three people _could_ be a family.

 

            “She is stubborn, isn’t she?” Lena chuckled, her face softening with a tender look before it crumpled as she felt tears prick her eyes again. “I just- I couldn’t _leave_ her there. I couldn’t let him have her. I couldn’t knowingly let her live the same life I did.”

 

            “Do you think he knew?” Kara quietly asked, rubbing soothing circles onto the back of Lena’s hand.

 

            Shaking her head, Lena pressed her lips into a hard line, a look of fear flickering in her eyes. “No. No, if he knew he wouldn’t have played his games. He would’ve taken her, without a shadow of a doubt. He would’ve had a paternity test at the trial if he’d even suspected. Everything he did … he was toying with me. If he’d thought for a second that she was his, he would’ve had her, no matter how hard I tried to stop him.”

 

            “I wouldn’t have let him-”

 

            “You don’t underst-”

 

            “I know,” Kara said, giving her a solemn look and giving her hand an almost painfully hard squeeze, “but I _wouldn’t have let him.”_

 

            Nodding, Lena swallowed the lump in her throat and ducked her head down, feeling tired as her worry drained out of her and left her consumed by the comforting presence of Kara beside her on the bed. Her eyebrows drew together in a frown, and Lena opened and closed her mouth a few times as silence hung heavily over them. She stared down at the cheap fabric of the bedsheets, feeling the coarse fibres of the blue blanket beneath her free hand as she held onto Kara’s other one, trying to find the words she was looking for.

 

            Tipping her head back, she drew in a slow breath and exhaled in a long sigh, deflating as she looked up at the fluorescent tube light flickering overhead as it hummed with electricity. It felt oddly removed in the hospital room, as if the two of them were far away from the activity of the busy hospital, a world away from the blood and death, fatigue and injuries and tears of the hundreds of people crammed inside the cinderblock building. It felt like it was just her and Kara, and she didn’t know what to say, because she couldn’t properly convey the strong feelings locked up inside her. Words would never do it justice.

 

            Eventually, she just met Kara’s worried gaze, gripped her hand tightly in both of her own and raised it slightly, careful of the wires snaking from her. Bowing her head over their hands, Lena gently let her forehead come to rest against the cool skin and felt her bottom lip wobble slightly.

 

            “I didn’t get a chance to thank you-”

 

            “You did,” Kara softly interrupted.

 

            “No. Not properly. Thank you, Kara. I can’t- there are no words to- you’ll never know how grateful I am to you. I’ll never be able to repay you for saving her life. Never. Thank you, thank you, _thank you.”_

 

            Strong fingers gripped her chin and forced her head up, and Lena gave her a teary look as she held Kara’s hand trapped between her own. Looking tired, with faint purple shadows beneath her eyes and a slumped weariness to her shoulders, Kara gave her a slow smile, her eyes sparkling with amusement even as she reclined on the pillows, her face drawn with pain as the effects of her painkillers receded. Shaking with quiet laughter, Kara shook her head as her lips twitched slightly.

 

            “What?” Lena asked, an anxious edge to her voice as she half-rose from the bed.

 

 _“Repay_ me? Lena. Oh God, you make me laugh. I would give that little girl every single piece of me if it meant that she was safe and happy. I _love_ her. I couldn’t love her anymore if she was my own. That’s not something that needs _repaying._ I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I’d do it for you a thousand times over.”

 

            “Then I owe you-”

 

            “Nothing. You owe me nothing,” Kara quickly cut her off, a troubled look in her eyes as a crease formed between her eyebrows.

 

            Letting out a weak laugh, Lena sniffed and blinked back tears. “Perhaps just some more time then. A little bit more space.”

 

            Kara winced as she laughed, a spasm of pain running across her face, making Lena fret, climbing to her feet and glancing around for something, anything, to take her mind off of it. It wasn’t time for more pain medication yet, so she poured Kara a cup of water from the tepid plastic jug sitting on the tray wheeled off to one side. Kara took a grateful sip and gave her a lopsided smile as she gently pushed herself up further on the bed.

 

            “Actually, I was hoping I could move back home, given …” she trailed off as she gestured down at the hospital gown that covered the dressings and the stitched together skin of her abdomen.

 

            “Home?”

 

            With a wry smile, Kara gave her a pointed look, “well seeing as I’m not moving out to the suburbs and Alex is just about sick of me moping around on her sofa, I was thinking I could move back into my old bedroom. If that’s okay with you.”

 

            Feeling as if she’d been punched in the stomach, Lena let out a forceful breath, almost weak with relief as a hesitant smile curled her lips. “Really?”

 

            Looking at her with apprehension, Kara bit her lip for a moment, before slowly nodding. “Yeah, I just- I’m still not ready-”

 

            Holding her hands up in a quick surrender to what Kara was about to say, Lena quickly nodded. “Yes, of course. Absolutely. Space and time.”

 

            Wrinkling her nose slightly, Kara smiled. “Perhaps just a little less space.”

 

            “Whatever you need. How _are_ you by the way? I’m sorry, I’ve just been sitting here getting all teary and making it about _me_ when you’re-”

 

            “Fine. Better than fine,” Kara assured her, rubbing her thumb across Lena’s knuckles in a sweet gesture. “Just tired.”

 

            Grimacing, Lena nodded, slowly climbing to her feet, “I should let you rest.”

 

 _“You_ should get some rest.”

 

            Smiling, Lena suppressed the urge to roll her eyes, although she had to agree. She could barely stand on her own two legs, and there was a dull throb in her thigh from where she’d been stabbed. Having lost quite a bit of blood the day before, it would do her some good to sleep. Assuring her that she’d get some rest, Lena paused for a moment, before cupping Kara’s face in her hand and ducking down to press a lingering kiss on her forehead. Tenderly stroking her cheek with the pad of her thumb as she pulled back, Lena gave her a faint smile as Kara reached up to cover her hand with her own, before stepping back and letting her hand fall.

 

            Without further fuss, Lena left, telling the nurse that Kara needed more pain meds as she walked through the ward and made for the children’s ward. In her bag, she had Laurel’s stuffed duck and baby blanket, and she stopped by to check on her daughter, draping the soft blanket over her small body and tucking the plush toy in beside her. Laurel didn’t stir, and Lena stayed with her for a while, until she couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer and her mind was growing fuzzy at the edges. Making her way towards the accommodation on hand for parents, she all but collapsed onto a bed, barely taking the time to kick her heels off, and slept without the looming, ominous threat of something bad happening for the first time in years. Despite the darkness, she slept soundly.


	34. Chapter 34

            A week passed by so quickly that Lena couldn’t recall much of it. Part of that was because she barely slept at all, and spent most of her time in a daze, blinking back sleep as it burned her eyes and tried to sneak up on her, and part of it was because she was still slightly numb as she tried to sort through memories of that day. Both Laurel and Kara were healing fine, but both were still confined to the hospital, under the close eyes of their doctors, and Lena was still sleeping there to be close to her daughter. She didn’t think she’d be able to go home to her apartment and stay their alone. It felt too cold without the sound of her daughter’s laughter as she played, of the familiar cluttered mess that Lena felt like she was permanently cleaning up. It hadn’t even  _ really _ felt like home for months; not without Kara.

 

            At the end of the week though, she took a personal break from the hospital, catching a ride home off Alex, who’d dropped in that morning, and took a long, hot shower. The warmth was comforting, and she felt more refreshed using her own bathroom than the plain, sterile hospital ones that always felt cold. After she’d showered and dried her hair, she dressed in a fitted black suit and donned a black overcoat. Barefaced and dressed in her drab clothes, she went downstairs and caught a cab out to the East Village.

 

            The address had been given to her by Querl, along with the date and time, and as the yellow cab pulled up outside the plain shop front, she took in the cluster of black-clothed people enveloped in a thin haze of smoke as they puffed at cigarettes. Her brother’s funeral had been organised by Lillian, and Lena was surprised that it wasn’t taking place in a church but saw the wisdom in it as she caught sight of a few well-known criminals that would be picked up on sight if they were seen out in a popular area. That many criminals together would only draw the wrong kind of attention - wrong to  _ them _ \- and so it was being held in the airy basement of one of Lex’s favourite hangouts. Lena knew it, of course. She’d come here and clean his friends out after a night of poker and drinks, while he dealt with some business and sat with two or three girls who fawned over him.

 

            She felt uncomfortable stepping inside, making her way to the staircase in the back that led downstairs, more people in black standing inside the store, perching on dusty boxes of false wares, sitting on the grimy counter as they flicked cigarette ash into a coffee cup that had been there for God knew how long. No one stopped her, but they all knew her. She made her way downstairs without interruption and stepped out into the large room. Wooden floors and velvet cushioned chairs made the room more comfortable than a basement should be, and the overwhelmingly large amount of flowers perfumed the air, chasing away the lingering odour of spilt whiskey and tobacco smoke. 

 

            It was already nearly full, the ceremony ready to get underway, and she drew the attention of more than a few guests. They all knew what had become of her, tossed out of home with a newborn, disgraced and disowned - they didn’t know her brother had tried to coax her back home, or that she worked for the government - and the brazen stares were full of interest. She had known almost all of them at one point or another, but it had been years since she’d been seen in a public setting with her family, and they were all curious as they took in her appearance, taking in the woman that she’d become.

 

            She saw her mother standing at the very front, right in front of the casket, which lay shut on the raised platform at the far end of the room. A priest in his robes was standing off to one side, tugging at his collar as he nervously glanced around the room, at the number of thuggish looking men with shaved heads, the elegantly dressed older guests who were even more dangerous with their snake-like eyes and commanding air. Lena ignored them all as she made towards her mother, taking in the dejected slope of her shoulders, almost hunched over as her grief weighed her down. Lena couldn’t help but pity her.

 

            “Mom?” Lena softly said as she came to a stop beside her. She waited a few moments, but Lillian didn’t so much as stir.  _ “Mom.” _

 

            As if only just hearing her, Lillian shook herself out of her daze and glanced to her left, a glassy look in her eyes that let Lena know that she wasn’t quite there, even if she’d responded to her calling. Guilt slammed into Lena and she felt a lump form in her throat as she took in the haunted look about her mother’s face. There was a sallow air about her face, cheeks gaunt and green eyes sunken, and makeup couldn’t hide the bruise coloured circles beneath Lillian’s eyes. Her lips were bitten and her eyes were bloodshot.

 

            Looking lost, her brow creased slightly into a frown. “It’s strange, I don’t feel much.”

 

            “Mom,” Lena said again, her voice cracking as the urge to cry swept over her, “I’m sorry.”

 

            Flinching slightly, Lillian looked back down, her hands crumpling the funeral booklet with her brother’s face on it. Glancing down at it, Lena felt sick at the sight of his smile. It wasn’t regret that she felt, but she couldn’t deny that there was a part of her that wished things had ended differently. If only so she wouldn’t have to see the ghost of a woman her mother had become, barely a sliver of the sharp, prickly woman that Lena had grown up with. Lillian didn’t even have the energy to make any snide comments about some aspect of Lena’s life. She just stood there, shoulders slumped, as if the weight of the world was pressing down on her, her legs about to give way beneath her at any moment. Lena almost wanted to guide her over to the empty seat in the first row just behind them. 

 

            Instead, she left her mother standing there in front of the closed casket, standing there beside her, head ducked down as she had the gall to look ashamed. Perhaps it was insulting for her to show up there when she’d been the one to shoot her brother, but it was the closure that Lena needed for herself. Putting him to rest once and for all would make it real. He’d been alive, barely, when she’d lurched towards her daughter in the park, and the news of his death hadn’t seemed real. Being in the room with people who’d known him, all the drug dealers, con artists and thieves, weapons dealers and a gaggle of girls that had been callously abandoned by him, it made Lex’s death real. 

 

            “He missed you terribly you know,” Lillian eventually said, her voice hoarse and rasping as she stared at the polished lid of the casket.

 

            A spasm of pain ran across Lena’s face and she had to bite back a few sharp words. She knew her brother hadn’t missed her, but rather the power of controlling her. He’d played his twisted games with the intention of driving her back into his arms, back home to reunite their family, to present a unified front while he expanded his criminal empire. There were few people he trusted, but his family had always been important to him, a moral instilled in them all by Lionel, and his father before him. Loyalty had always been expected, loyalty was what passed for love, and Lena felt sick as she thought about how disturbing that was. It was no surprise it had taken her so long to figure things out with Kara. In hindsight, it was ironic that it was her that had shot her brother. The loyalty bred into the Luthor’s had amounted to nothing, and she’d shot him in the chest for the people she actually did love and he’d died. And Lena would do it all over again.

 

            “He always spoke of going to Bora Bora when you finally came home. A family vacation. He said there were good dolphin and whale watching cruises to take the girl on. He liked the idea of being an uncle.”

           

            Lena’s stomach twisted at the thought. She didn’t know what state of mind her brother had been in over the past few years, but she could assume that he’d own spiralled deeper down the hole of violence and blackening anger, especially if Lillian had made a deal with the DEO to imprison him. She’d preferred to see her son in jail than let him continue down the path she was on. Lena doubted that that path would’ve had time for dolphins and fruity cocktails on the beach. It wasn’t comforting to her to hear that her brother had 

 

            “He was mad. You know that right?” she slowly replied, her voice hesitant and her face darkened with concern. “He wasn’t some family man. He didn’t want me to come back so we could take trips and he could be an  _ uncle.  _ You  _ do _ know that.”

 

            Turning to look at her, Lillian blinked and some of the fogginess in her eyes receded. She looked at Lena almost as if she was surprised to see her there. Her voice was barely audible over her hushed conversation of the room when she replied. “You should go. Law enforcement will be crawling all over this place in a minute.”

 

            “What?”

 

            “I have nothing else to lose,” Lillian numbly replied, her lips barely moving, “I gave them everything.”

 

            “And what about you?”

 

            “Goodbye, Lena.”

 

            “Wha-  _ mom.” _

 

            Lillian turned back around to face the casket, and Lena stood beside her expectantly for a few minutes, waiting for her to say something else, even if it was a lost mumbled comment about Lex, but she didn’t say a word. She didn’t even move. Standing with sagging shoulders, she looked at the calla lilies on top of the polished wood, ribbons snaking down from the wreath, and stood there as if she was waiting for them to come and get her. Whatever agreement she’d made with the DEO, Lillian didn’t seem to be worried for herself. Standing amongst the most hardened criminals in the city, the ones she’d just sold out, she didn’t look concerned for her safety at all.

 

            Pausing for a moment, Lena nodded, more to herself than to her mother, and turned around. She had a daughter to think about, her own family and her own life. Getting caught up in the middle of what would no doubt be a dangerous standoff was out of the question for her. Passing by the throngs of guests dressed in fine suits and dresses in a dreary black, she ducked her head down and ignored the stares. Pushing her way back through the crowded underground room, the room stiflingly hot as bodies were packed in tightly, despite its airy size. The smell of cologne and tobacco smoke mingled strongly in the stale air, and Lena felt slightly nauseous as she made her way back to the dingy stairs winding up to the false shop front above. 

 

            Cool air washed over her as she made it up to the front, stepping out from the back room and winding her way around the dusty counter. No one was on lookout, and Lena assumed that her mother had bribed one of her brother’s men to join them downstairs, giving the DEO and other agencies the edge of surprise to storm the funeral and corner the occupants of the room. The door was locked from the inside though, and it was a simple matter of turning the lock and stepping out into the warm, muggy air of the city. 

 

            Relief immediately washed over her, the damp, slightly rotting smell of this area of the city washing over her as she stepped onto the cracked sidewalk. Even as she stepped outside though, a car door opened across the street, and a familiar figure stepped out. Small, tanned skin, dark hair and a gun at her waist, Maggie raised a hand to catch her attention, and Lena turned away. Both ends of the road were already blocked off by police cruisers, their blue and red lights flashing, while large black jeeps parked behind them. Lena could see officers and agents getting ready. Rifles were loaded, different law enforcement agencies geared up in their uniforms, and Lena thought about her mother for a moment.

 

            Footsteps crossed the street, and Maggie quickly caught up to her as Lena’s heels clicked on the pavement. “You can go in now,” she told the shorter woman, by way of greeting. Lena didn’t even look at her.

 

            “You shouldn’t have come here.”

 

            Shrugging indifferently, Lena kept walking. 

 

            “I’m sorry for your loss.”

 

            At that, she came to a sudden stop, a cold laugh working its way up her throat as she stared down at the shorter woman.  _ “You’re sorry for my loss? _ Bullshit. You were the first one on the scene after I left him there. He was still alive when you had him. That’s going to be the biggest collar of your career. Have you been promoted yet?”

 

            Maggie shifted uncomfortably, her brown eyes darting away. “I’m about to sit my Sergeant’s exam.”

 

            “I thought so.”

 

            She started to move again and Maggie reached up to touch her arm, not quite forcing her to stop, but Lena did slow her pace. “But look, I  _ am _ sorry. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I know- I know I blamed you for a lot of it in the past, and that was my mistake. I was wrong to blame you.”

 

            “Great. I’m glad you’ve got that off your chest.”

 

            “Lena- I know that funerals bring out the best in the people that are dead. Even criminals. I’m sure he wasn’t always bad.”

 

            “No, he was.”

 

            “He was your brother. Surely there was a moment …”

 

            Lena turned her face away as a spasm of pain wracked her, and her face crumpled slightly. Of  _ course _ there had been a moment, so many of them, when Lex hadn’t been the criminal he’d become. He’d been a little boy when she’d first been taken by her father to live in that Brownstone with her new family, and her brother had been her best friend. It wasn’t until her father died that he  _ really _ changed. There was a decade of fond memories of him, and even then, as she grew older and started to resent the violence, the drugs, the guns, he would still take her to parties, he’d still dote on her like the older brother he was. 

 

            But those few rose-tinted memories, the ones she couldn’t be sure were real or if she’d just been too loyal to see the truth, didn’t eclipse all the bad he’d done. It didn’t overshadow the fact that he’d had her daughter shot in front of her. That he’d driven a woman to kill herself before he could do it himself, that she’d given her child away, rather than risk Lex being a father. He wasn’t a good person, and no amount of false niceties they could speak at the funeral would make her think that he had been.

 

            “It doesn’t matter,” Lena hoarsely replied, before jerking her head back towards the shop. “You should go. You’re going to miss your chance to be a hero again.”

 

            “Let me drive you home,” Maggie quietly said.

 

            Lena shook her head, but they were nearing the blockade and were waved through as they looked at the NCPD kevlar vest Maggie was wearing. DEO agents were milling about, preparing themselves, and Lena nodded to the familiar faces she saw amongst the squads. Without even really consciously making a decision, she found herself climbing into the passenger seat of a squad car, while Maggie climbed into the driver’s seat. 

 

            Without protest, Lena let her drive her home, feeling uncomfortable as tense silence descended upon them. She stared out the window instead, taking in the sight of flowers starting to bloom, green shrubbery and foliage peeking out from between the grey and red of the buildings as they slowly made their way through the backed up traffic. 

 

            She couldn't help but wonder what was going on in the shop. Like cornered rats, the hardened criminals would attack, and she wondered how many people would die in such a crowded place. There would hardly be enough room for the cops and agents to even get  _ into _ the room. She supposed that once the threat had been made, they’d be smoked out, hoping to escape, only to find the roadblocks and dozens of FBI agents and a SWAT team waiting outside. Lena suspected that it would be one of the biggest mass arrests in history. Her brother had dealings with the Russians, the Italians, the Mexican drug cartel, the Japanese Yakuza and various other criminals with their own notoriety in fraud, theft and murder. 

 

            That many gangs, mobs and individuals gathered in one place would lead to a lot of secrets being leaked in the subsequent interrogations. A lot of them would be mid-level players, sent as a show of respect by those too paranoid and high up in their ranks to come themselves, but they’d still have a lot to say if it meant they were given a plea deal. Across the board of all the law enforcement agencies there, Lena supposed that there’d be a lot of future crossover work between departments. It would take years of work and she imagined that the criminal industry would be severely weakened. It would all point back to her mother. Lena couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen to her. Would some realise immediately that they’d been double-crossed by her, or would they suspect each other first? There was always a tenuous relationship between competing mobs, and if they broke the flimsy funeral truce and turned on each other, their different factions could very well help bring down each other for the government.

 

            Too much was unknown, and as Lena was still benched, she wasn’t at liberty to have insight into the DEO’s plans. She wondered if Hank would’ve told her anyway, given the personal nature of the operation. It was for the best that she wasn’t currently at work though, because she wasn’t sure she’d be able to manage analysing all the incoming data as well as making her multiple daily trips to the hospital. She was still sleeping there most nights. Still spending every moment she could be Laurel’s side, occupying her daughter with puzzles and books, and sneaking up to Kara’s room whenever she could to sit by her bed and quietly talk if she was awake or sit there in silence if she was sleeping. Lena didn’t think she’d be able to tear herself away from their bedsides long enough to go to work, and was silently relieved she was still on leave. A part of her never wanted to go back.

 

            “So … how’ve you been?” Maggie eventually ventured, her voice hesitant and slightly sheepish.

 

            Blinking in surprise, Lena turned to look at her, a faint crease forming between her eyebrows. “Why’re you here?”

 

            “I’m driving you-”

 

            “No, why did you come and talk to me?”

 

            Maggie was silent for so long that Lena wasn’t sure if she was going to answer, watching her hands tighten on the steering wheel until her knuckles whitened, her lips pressed into a flat line as she kept her eyes on the road. But then she deflated with a soft sigh of resignation and gave Lena a quick, sidewards glance.

 

            “I had drinks with Alex last night. We were talking about you. About what would happen next. You’re not going to be charged, of course, but she was worried about you. See, that’s the thing, you’re a part of Alex’s family. She loves you, she wants to protect you. Despite her initial reservations, she always has.”

 

            “And?”

 

            “Well … I had more reservations than her. It made things difficult between us. There were other problems too, of course, with work and schedules, conflict of interests in cases. I found myself against her on a  _ lot _ of cases, but that’s just the way it was. But  _ you … _ you were the last straw.”

 

            “I didn’t cause your breakup,” Lena prickly replied, her expression darkening as she gave Maggie a haughty look.

 

            Holding a hand up defensively, Maggie gave her a placating look. “I know, I know. That was me. And it’s been years now, and I’ve worked with Alex quite a lot during that time, and the truth is … I  _ miss _ her. Even now. And sometimes I want to kick myself for being so stupid, for holding a grudge against you because of your brother, for making things more difficult for me and Alex when we were barely holding it together anyway. So … I wanted to apologise and clear the air between us because I want a second chance with her, and a second chance with her means accepting her family too. So I’m sorry.”

 

            Curtly nodding, Lena didn’t reply, but she accepted the apology, and the reason behind it, nonetheless. If Alex wanted to or thought she could reconcile with Maggie, then it was her decision, and Lena had no hidden resentment towards Maggie. Of course, it had hurt to have her brother’s crimes pinned on her by association, but after four of Maggie’s coworkers had been left on Lena’s doorstep, it wasn’t something that she would hold against the other woman. Perhaps she’d softened a little more over the years, but Lena found herself more prone to forgiveness, and perhaps it was because she’d fallen in love with Kara, but she wanted that feeling for Alex too if that’s what her friend wanted.

 

            Some of the tension between them faded over the course of the rest of the drive, and Lena muttered her thanks and climbed out of the car as they came to a stop outside her apartment. Feeling like she should say something else, she wished Maggie luck with the extra workload of the mass arrests she was about to go back and help with and hesitantly suggested that she’d see her soon. Much to her surprise, the other woman gave her a dimpled smile, and Lena let herself into the building and back upstairs.

 

            Changing into jeans and one of Kara’s baby blue shirts, Lena made herself an instant coffee, drinking it black and strong, wolfed down two muesli bars from the cupboards, and then went back downstairs and drove herself to the hospital. Making her way straight towards Laurel’s room, her eyes widened with surprise as she took in the two visitors in the room, her daughter sitting upright and laughing, and Lena’s expression softened as three pairs of eyes turned towards her.

 

            Kara was in a wheelchair, wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, allowed up and about as long as she took it easy, and Sam was with her, dropping by on her break, entertaining Laurel with a pack of cards. They were playing go fish, the cards spread out on the bed sheets, while the two women sat at Laurel’s bedside, and the game was forgotten at the sight of a weary-looking Lena. She smiled at them and walked over to her daughter, pressing a kiss on her forehead and giving Kara’s shoulder a quick squeeze as she stood beside her. The tense knot that had settled in her stomach that morning at the thought of the funeral dissipated as she sat down on the edge of the bed and let Sam reshuffle the cards, dealing her in and starting the game over. 

 

            Kara shot her questioning looks as they played, reading something on her face or in her posture and waiting for Lena to clue her in on what it was, but Lena was content to play cards. She’d put one part of her life to rest now, and there was a lightness in her chest as she enjoyed the simple act of playing cards with her family. Things were still a mess, and as she unravelled the tangled web of problems, she found snags in the line, like her mother’s surprising betrayal of the network her family had amassed over the years, but slowly but surely, things were starting to get straightened out. 

 

            With a surprising thought, Lena realised that perhaps she would be able to have the life she’d always wanted. And this time, she imagined Kara there with her in a different way. She smiled at Kara as she asked her if she had a three, their fingers brushing as Kara handed it over, and Lena felt her stomach flutter as her heart swelled with love. Everything was going to be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO that is not an ominous last line. there is NO MORE angst. at this point i don't think even i could take it anymore lmao


	35. Chapter 35

            At the hospital, time seemed to move quickly, but pass slowly, and Lena kept up a constant vigil at one beside or another, while an endless stream of doctors, nurses and visitors swept in and out of the rooms. Eliza came to visit two days after the operation, bringing flowers for her daughter, and a stuffed teddy bear and Lego set for Laurel, which she dropped off to the little girl when she came to visit her. One by one, Kara’s friends visited, as well as her coworkers and the various nurses and doctors she knew at the hospital as well. Slowly but surely, both patients started to heal, the wounds closing up, stitches coming out, and permission to make slow walks around the ward granted to both of them.

 

            It was ten more days before Laurel and Kara were both discharged from the hospital and sent home with Lena. It was a long process, involving multiple trips back and forth the hospital, as Lena took Kara home first and got her settled, before going back for her daughter and bringing her home as well. Alex came over as soon as she finished work for the day, bringing a packed duffle bag for Kara and her sister’s favourite Chinese takeout for all of them, and Winn came over after his shift at his diner ended, bearing gifts of pie and fresh coffee.

 

            It took a day or two for a routine to settle in, and Lena found herself fretting over both Laurel and Kara, fetching them their medication, making sure the dressings on their scars were regularly changed and that they went for a walk every day to get some gentle exercise. While they both napped, she pored over a cookbook, trying to boost their nutrition intake, and tidied up the apartment as quietly as she could. In the nights, she drank by herself, sneaking glasses of whisky and wine when everyone had already gone to bed, standing outside on the balcony and sneaking a furtive cigarette without Kara’s disapproving eyes on her. Lena knew that she was starting to delve back down into some bad habits, but she was worried, even though the source of all her worries was dead and buried now. 

 

            Despite the comfort that her brother’s death brought her, after the initial few days of numb shock, Lena found herself unable to sleep. Whenever she did, trying to cram a night’s worth of sleep into twenty minutes as the sun started to creep over the horizon, lightening the sky a few shades, she’d wake a short while later to the sound of gunshots ringing in her ears. Trembling and covered in a cold sweat, she’d look down at her clean hands and see the ghost of the blood that had covered her palms. Not wanting to worry Kara, she didn’t tell her, although it must’ve been clear on her face that she wasn’t sleeping well, if at all.

 

            But things carried on, and Lena was devoted to looking after her daughter as well as Kara, the latter more so because she felt like she owed it to her rather than Kara’s actual need to be looked after. Still, Lena was there, handing her painkillers at set times, making sure Kara ate all of her food, and usually a second helping too. The most shocking moment came when she saw her surgical scar for the first time. 

 

            Lena had seen Laurel’s in the hospital, a horrified look on her face as she took in the stitched bullet entry wound and the curving scar that followed her ribs on the right side of her torso, where her liver had been removed and Kara’s had been transplanted in. But the first time she saw Kara’s was shocking. Perhaps it was because she was bigger, so the scar was proportionally bigger, following the curves of the bottom of both rib cages, while also branching up along her sternum too. It was pink against her pale skin, a three-pronged shape that was healing well, but stretched from one side of her abdomen to the other, and high enough up that Lena could see it peeking out just above the middle of Kara’s bra when she walked into the bathroom to find the blonde dabbing a silicone cream onto the surgical scar. 

 

            She walked back out immediately, mumbling an apology at the intrusion, while guilt slammed into her. If Lena had been more careful, stuck to their usual routine, had been smart enough to stop Lex before they’d even made it to the park, Laurel wouldn’t have been shot, and Kara wouldn’t have had to donate her liver. Still, Kara showed no signs of resentment at having to save Laurel’s life. In fact, she was almost inseparable from the little girl, reading her bedtime stories, building Lego towers on the living room floor and watching an endless stream of cartoons and Disney movies. Lena appreciated Kara’s ability to distract her daughter from the healing surgical scar, and the occasional pangs of pain.

 

            Things slowly started to get back to normal again though, which was a huge relief, even if it left Lena feeling strange for some reason. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but everything was calm, and Kara was home, and everyone was mending themselves in some way, but it felt off. Brooding and troubled, Lena skulked around the apartment at night, when she couldn’t sleep and let her confused feelings rise to the surface as she tried to muddle through them, trying to make some sense of things. In the end, Kara, sensing her troubled mind, confronted her one night, after she’d put Laurel to bed while Lena relaxed in the bath.

 

            There was a faraway knock on the door and Lena resurfaced with a spray of water, small waves heaving to and fro in the tub, and she wiped away the rivulets running down her face as she turned her head towards the closed door. “Yes?”

 

            “It’s me,” Kara replied, her voice muffled through the thick wood, and Lena smiled slightly; who else would it have been?

 

            “You can come in,” Lena softly called out.

 

            She watched as the handle turned and the door swung inwards, and Kara shouldered her way in with two glasses of wine, mindful of the dark red sloshing around inside. Pausing for a moment, Kara gave her a timid smile, before she walked over to the bathtub and sat down on the tiled floor. Handing one of the glasses over to Lena, she set her own down on the small table sitting beside the tub.

           

            “Should you be drinking with your medication?”

 

            Rolling her eyes, Kara laughed,  _ “I’m  _ the paramedic here.”

 

            “I know, I know.”

 

            “Is everything okay?” Kara softly asked.

 

            Faltering for a moment, Lena gave her a wide smile, her forehead creasing with confusion. Taking a sip of wine, the rich, fruity taste bursting on her tongue, she set her glass down beside Kara’s. “Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?”

 

            Kara didn’t reply straight away. Instead, she picked up her glass of wine and sipped at it in silence for a few moments as Lena let her fingertips trail through the rippling bath water, the remaining soap suds swirling across the surface. Tipping her head back against the rim, she closed her eyes and basked in the warm water, wisps of steam still curling from its surface and the lightbulb overhead burning an orange circle behind her eyelids. She heard the gentle thud of the wineglass being set back down again, and when she let her head loll to the side and peered at Kara with one half-lidded eye, she found the blonde resting her arm on the edge of the tub, her cheek propped up on top of it as she stared at Lena with a searching look in her troubled blue eyes.

 

            “You seem … distant.”

 

            “Distant?” Lena snorted, straightening up and giving Kara an amused look. “I’m giving you space as we agreed.”

 

            Frowning ever so slightly, Kara slowly shook her head. “This isn’t space. It feels like you’re avoiding me.”

 

            Blinking in surprise, Lena’s lips curled up into a smile, “avoiding you? Of course I’m not, I-”

 

            “I know, I know,” Kara quickly assured her, straightening up as she knelt beside the tub. “I just … I don’t know what you’re thinking, and it’s … frustrating. I’ve never felt like that.”

 

            Letting out a quick laugh, Lena gave her a knowing look. “I know. I get it. I’ll admit, it all feels … strange to me.”

 

            “Strange?”

 

            Slinking back down further into the water, she let her head fall back against the edge of the tub and frowned up at the white ceiling. “Yeah,” she murmured, “it feels strange because it feels so right. And if I’m being honest with you, it hasn’t felt right in so long. Probably not since you told me how you felt about me. And I know that wasn’t all on  _ you _ , and I left, and things got messy, but that’s when I can pinpoint things starting to change. We kind of ... fell apart then.”

 

            Softly laughing off to her right, Kara let out a heavy sigh. “You’re right. I was hurt, and I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

 

            “I wish I’d figured things out then. It would’ve saved us both a lot of pain. Truth be told, I was  _ terrified _ of loving you. I didn’t know how to.” Meeting Kara’s sad blue eyes, Lena reached out and took her hand, covering it with both of her hands, and squeezed softly. “I’m sorry it took so long.”

 

            Raising their entwined hands, Kara pressed a kiss to the back of Lena’s and gave her a small smile. “I’m sorry too.”

 

            Eyes crinkling at the corners as her expression softened, Lena released Kara’s hand. “I’ll try and be less distant.”

 

            “It’s okay,” Kara quietly assured her, “it’s a big change and a lot for you to take on at once, looking after me and Laurel-”

 

            “You know that that’s nothing.”

 

            “I know, but I don’t want to wear you out. You should get some rest,” Kara said, a crease forming between her eyebrows as she reached out to gently trace the circles beneath Lena’s eyes with the pad of her thumb. Lena's heart tugged slightly in her chest as it ached for Kara.

 

            Pushing the feelings aside, Lena nodded and gave her a tired smile as she watched Kara climb to her feet. Picking up her glass of wine she left Lena alone in the bath with a parting smile. Lingering a few more minutes, draining her own glass of wine as her skin slowly turned pink in the heat, she climbed out of the tub and let the water swirl down the drain.

 

            Wrapped in a fluffy towel, her dark hair black against her alabaster skin as it stuck to her in wet clumps, she made her way through the apartment, hesitating slightly as she stepped out of the bathroom and looked at Kara’s closed door. Light spilt out of the sitting room though, and Lena carried on towards her bedroom, quickly changing into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, wrapping her hair in the towel and stepping back out into the apartment.

 

            She fetched the rest of the bottle that Kara had opened, refilled her glass and carried it with her towards the quiet hum of the TV. Absorbed in a book, Kara lounged on the sofa with the TV quietly playing an old grainy movie, and she didn’t look up until Lena moved in her line of sight. Setting her glass of wine down on the coffee table, Lena leant over and filled up Kara’s for her, setting the bottle down beside it, and walked over to the bookshelves lining the walls. Feeling Kara’s eyes following her movements, Lena browsed the row of books, letting her fingers trail against the spines, and plucked one off at random.

 

            Walking over to the sofa, she took a seat at the opposite end to Kara, glancing up for a moment and meeting her eyes, before curling her feet up beneath herself and opening the book to the first page. It was one of Kara’s paperback mysteries, and Lena settled in with the book as a comfortable quietness fell over them.

 

            It wasn’t long before Lena’s eyes were prickling with tiredness and she fell asleep on the sofa with the book still open to the page she’d been reading. Her glass of wine was still half full, and her head lolled to one side. As exhaustion took hold of her and swept her into unconsciousness, Lena would’ve been happy to stay there all night, oblivious to everything else, but she drowsily came to later on, the living room dimly lit by a solitary lamp and the shadows long and dark. Kara loomed over her and was murmuring indistinguishable things to her.

 

            Slowly climbing to her feet, blearily peering around as she sluggishly moved, Lena shuffled out of the living room. Rubbing her eyes and stifling a yawn, she felt uncomfortably warm in the apartment, and walked to her bedroom, mumbling a goodnight to Kara, before she tumbled onto her bed in the dark. Spread-eagled across the covers, she buried her face in her pillow and waited for the prickling tiredness to wash back over her and drag her back to sleep. But it wouldn’t come.

 

            Tossing and turning in the stifling room, Lena finally pushed herself up with a huff, before walking back out through the door she’d forgotten to close. Making her way into the dark kitchen, she quietly eased open a cupboard and pulled out a tumbler, filling it with amber whisky, before she reached for the crumpled packet of cigarettes hidden at the back, clamping one between her lips and returning the packet to its hiding spot. With a lighter in one hand and her glass in another, she walked over to the balcony door, the darkness beckoning her.

 

            With the apartment dark and full of shadows, the ever-present light that radiated from the city outside casting a deep greyness over everything, she didn’t see the figure waiting outside for her, and stepped out into the cool breeze as relief washed over her. Sweat cooled on her skin, and the gentle wind tousled her hair as she quietly shut the door behind her, stepping towards the low wall and turning as a shadowy figure rose to their feet. Hand tightly gripping the glass of whisky, Lena braced herself to smash it over the figures head, before realising that it was Kara.

 

            Kara, dressed in her pyjamas, moved to lean against the wall, her face washed grey in the dim light of the city at nighttime, and she crossed her arms over her chest as she gave Lena a lopsided smile. The wind ruffled her hair and her eyes were dark as she fixed her with a steady look. 

 

            “You’re not as sneaky as you think, you know,” Kara quietly said after a moment of silence, in which Lena stood frozen like a deer caught in headlights. “I can smell the smoke on your clothes. And the alcohol.”

 

            Lowering the slightly raised glass, Lena shrugged nonchalantly, her words mumbled around the butt of her cigarette, still unlit and clamped between her teeth. “I wasn’t trying to be sneaky. Only trying not to wake you.”

 

            Nodding, Kara turned around and leant on the edge of the balcony, staring out at the city and the neon lights casting it a grey light, at the tall buildings rising silently all around them, and Lena slowly crossed over to her, setting her glass and the lighter down on the edge of the wall as she leant on her elbows. Removing the cigarette from between her lips, she fiddled with it as she looked out at the sight too, standing almost shoulder to shoulder with her friend. They stood in companionable silence for a few minutes, the air humming between them as their elbows almost touched.

 

            “I’m worried about you,” Kara said, her voice a wispy sigh as she let her head hand, blonde hair falling around her face in a dark curtain.

 

            Letting out her own soft sigh, Lena tipped her head back and closed her eyes. “I don’t want you to worry.”

 

            “I know, but … I can’t help it. You look after everyone else but yourself, Lena. You always have.”

 

            “It’s not that,” Lena muttered, opening her eyes and frowning up at the sliver of moon, a silver crescent high above them. “I just … I’m having trouble sleeping.”

 

            “I know,” Kara quietly chuckled. “You’re worried about something.”

 

            “No, I-”

 

            She looked away from the moon to meet Kara’s eyes as the blonde reached out to lay a hand on Lena’s bare arm, “you  _ are. _ I’ve known you long enough to know your habits. Drinking, smoking, sleepless nights. There was another way you used to manage it too.” She gave Lena a wry smile as she arched an eyebrow. “Back when it was just  _ fun.” _

 

            Lena let out a snort of laughter, a smile curling her lips as she rolled her eyes, her cheeks turning slightly pink. Running a hand through her hair, she averted her gaze, holding up the slender white cigarette. “It might not be as fun, but it'll do for now.”

 

            Reaching over, Kara plucked the cigarette from her fingers and slipped it into the pocket of her shorts, giving Lena a stern look. Her hand trailed across Lena’s shoulder blades as she walked around her, the thin fabric of Lena’s t-shirt shifting beneath her touch, and she had to suppress a shiver as Kara appeared on her right this time. Reaching down, Kara picked up the brimming glass of whisky and took a measured sip.

 

            “I can’t offer you fun, but if you don’t want to be alone … you know I’ll stay with you.”

 

            Lena reached out and took her glass from Kara’s hand, knocking back the alcohol and grimacing as it burned its way down her throat. “You know I always sleep better with you.”

 

            Giving her a soft smile, Kara nodded, “I know. Come on, come to bed.”

 

            Rolling the glass between her palms for a moment, Lena nodded, making the decision to trust that Kara was ready to give her this small step. It had been weeks since the almost wedding, not quite long enough for Kara to have a clean conscience to move forward with Lena, but enough for her to extend these small offerings. First, the promise of a possible future, then moving back home, and now the offer to let Lena sleep beside her, to offer her the knowledge that she was safe with Kara, so that she could sleep peacefully.

 

            Kara opened the door and stepped back inside, leaving it open for Lena to follow at her own pace. Breathing in the earthy smell of the potted plants, and the dry smell of the warm city, Lena snatched up her lighter and stepped back into the shadowy apartment and closed the door behind her. She watched as Kara threw her cigarette in the trash without much feeling about the matter, and crossed the room to set her empty liquor glass and lighter down on the countertop.

 

            Padding barefoot down the hallway to her and Laurel’s rooms, she slipped into her room and sat down on the rumpled covers, watching as the dark silhouette of Kara followed her inside, stepping over the threshold of the room with some trepidation, before she shut the door behind her. Pausing for a moment, Kara walked over to the window and cracked it open, letting fresh air rush in, before sitting down on the other side of the bed. The silence was heavy between them and the air charged as Lena moved her pillows into a comfortable position and listened to the sound of Kara settled down beside her, the mattress jostling as she stretched out across the bed.

 

            With her back to Kara, she closed her eyes, only for them to fly open again a moment later as her heart leapt. A warm, gentle touch grazed her hand, and Kara’s voice was so close, although Lena could sense that she was facing away from her too. 

 

            “Goodnight, Lena.”

 

            “Goodnight.”

 

            The warmth receded and Lena closed her eyes once more, her heart taking a little longer to settle down. Feeling at ease, and hyper-aware of Kara’s presence to her back, Lena let herself relax and gave into the blackness creeping in on the edges of her mind. Sleep came, swiftly and surely, and Lena slept peacefully for the first time in ages, not waking until dawn had already come and gone, and the sun pooled on the hardwood floor in yellow spots where it seeped in through her blinds.

 

            Groggily coming to her senses, she woke to the sound of childish laughter drifting down the hallway, and the smell of coffee beckoning her. Lips curling up into a small smile, she stretched as she climbed to her feet, back cracking slightly and muscles straining, and she felt peace settle in her heart, where warmth and love already jostled for space. It suddenly struck her that she’d been wrong to think that it was strange to have Kara back home and things back to normal; it felt so achingly right that the thought of being away from her again was unthinkable. Feeling like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, she made towards the door and towards her family.


	36. Chapter 36

            Laurel’s birthday came upon them rapidly as late summer gave way to a mild August and an excitable five year old who was ready to turn six, and Lena found herself distracted with presents and party planning, her own problems taking a back burner for the time being. Kara and Laurel were both mending fine, and she was playing the role of a fretful nurse less and less as they came off their painkillers and life was practically back to normal. Her daughter didn’t even seem the slightest bit troubled by the shooting, and Lena gently tried to talk to her about it a few times, embodying the role of a psychologist as she tried to gain an understanding of what her daughter was thinking. As far as she could tell, Laurel remembered very little about the incident or the following few days in hospital, being too drugged up to be aware of much, and Lena was secretly relieved that she’d seemed to repress most of it. 

 

            It was just her with her loose ends and troubled mind, and she found herself with too many questions and too few answers as Lena slowly reclaimed herself from the duties of looking after two patients. She’d given the stray thought about her mother over the weeks, and about what came next for the DEO - she imagined they had a lot of criminals to process and interrogate, and new cases to open with the information they learned - but she’d been firmly shut out of the task force for the time being. Whether it was for her own protection or because it was a personal matter, she was left in the dark, much to her irritation.

 

            The day before Laurel’s birthday, and the day of her party too, where a dozen kids from school would be crammed into the apartment and fed an ungodly amount of sugar, Lena found herself with orders to report to the secret black site of the task force the following day. It was an inconvenient time, with her having so much to do in the morning for the party, but Lena wasn’t really at liberty to say no. She’d heard nothing but radio silence for weeks now, even when she’d reached out to Querl, and Imra, who was still stationed in London, so she had to bring herself to leap at the opportunity to find out what was happening.

 

            After a morning spent cleaning up gift wrap and making waffles while Kara put batteries into things and played with Laurel, of icing cupcakes and baking cookies and finishing off the Power Rangers birthday cake she’d made herself, she dressed professionally and promised that she’d be back before they were overrun with children, kissed her daughter goodbye and drove to work.

 

            As she pulled into the dark garage it struck her as strange to be there after so long - it was nearly nine months now since she’d been sent back to National City and put on leave, with each new mishap piling up and benching her for longer - and she felt like a stranger as she rode the rickety elevator down to the sub-level office. Her stomach twisted with nervousness as she stepped out of the doors once they’d parted, and she was met with a dozen familiar faces, all looking mildly surprised to see her. 

 

            After a few handshakes and friendly exchanges, she was found by Hank, who led her to his office. Upon opening his door and ushering her inside, Lena found herself in the company of Querl, and surprisingly, Imra, who gave her a tight hug, before taking a seat in front of Hank’s desk. Arms folded over her chest, Lena stood behind her two friends, waving aside Querl’s offer of his chair, and trained her eyes on the Director.

 

            “Thank you for coming in today,” Hank said, his voice a low rumble as he sorted files on his desk and set them aside in a neat pile. 

 

            The three of them nodded and waited patiently. 

 

            “I just wanted to commend you on your work on this case,” he said, his dark eyes flitting up to meet Lena’s. “I know the three of you made some personal sacrifices, and had to spend some time away from home. I’m very grateful for your hard work in the task force. Thank you.”

 

            Taking the compliments in silence, the trio listened as Hank filled them in on a few details. Some of it was old news to Querl and Imra, but Lena desperately latched onto each new piece of information, trying to piece the case together for herself. All of the law enforcement departments that had been there at Lex’s funeral service had split their arrests amongst themselves and had launched a cross-department into the individual criminal organisations. Multiple suspects and witnesses had been brought it, arrests had already been made, and the DEO were in the middle of preparing for a dozen court hearings, prepping their evidence to be submitted and agents to give their statements on the stand. He explained to Lena that the DEO had purposely kept her away, so as to not need to use her as a witness and attest to the work the task force had uncovered about them, for the safety of herself, her family ties to those organisations making her a prime target if anyone sought out revenge.

 

            It wasn’t a long meeting, and she was soon shaking hands with her boss, mumbling her thanks, before coming to the realisation that she wasn’t finished. There were other matters she had to discuss with him, and as Querl and Imra left the office, she asked Hank if she could have a word with him. Shutting the door behind her friends, she took a seat across from him and tried not to fiddle with her hands as she sat rigidly beneath his hard stare.

 

            “Sir, it’s about my mother,” Lena started.

 

            Hank let out a quiet chuckle, leaning back in his chair as he smiled slightly, his dark eyes creasing at the corners. “I thought you might want to discuss her.”

 

            “I haven’t heard a word about her. I tried to go to the hotel she was at, but she wasn’t there anymore,” Lena said, her forehead crumpling into a frown, “I know she was the one who gathered them all together and turned everyone in, but … what about her? Is she in prison? If that’s the case, surely she’s not in gen pop; it won’t take them long to figure it was her who-”

 

            He held up a hand to stop her as Lena started to babble. His expression was unreadable, and Lena was tense as she curled her hands into fists. The fact of not knowing was more troubling than the thought of her mother in prison; she was the only family Lena had left from her old life, and it wasn’t that she didn’t think her mom deserved to be in prison, but not knowing if she was or not made her feel uneasy. She wouldn’t be able to rest until she knew how everything had played out. There had been no public trials or hearings for Lillian, that much she was sure of, and it was one of the loose ends she needed to tie up before she could ever find some real peace within herself.

 

            “Your mother is in protective custody. As part of her cooperation with the DEO, and her help in apprehending a staggering amount of members of some of the biggest crime organisations, we offered her a plea deal. We’ve been getting her settled somewhere safe. With guards. She has no means of communication, and we thought it best to keep you in the dark, in case someone used you to get to her. She’s not going to be a very popular woman in quite a few countries.”

 

            Feeling some of the tension fade out of her, Lena slowly nodded as she slumped slightly in her chair. Relief washed over her and she let out a shaky laugh, running a hand through her hair. Hank just watched her in silence for a few moments as she laughed, and then Lena surprised herself and him by climbing to her feet and smiling down at him.

 

            “Sir, I think I’d like to hand in my notice.”

 

            His eyebrows rose as he climbed to his feet to face her. “Your notice?”

 

            Running a hand over her weary face, she gave him a tired smile. “I’ve done what I came here to do. I just- I don’t want this to be my life anymore, dealing with criminals. Quite frankly, it’s exhausting and dangerous. I think … I’d just like to be able go home to my family, if that’s alright with you.”

 

            He opened and closed his mouth a few times, before pressing his lips together and curling them up into a smile as he nodded. Extending a hand towards her, he sighed. “We’ll be sad to see you go, Agent, but I understand. You’ve done us a great service here, I won’t begrudge you this. Thank you for your work with the task force.”

 

            Feeling her eyes burn slightly and a lump form in her throat, Lena gave him a grim smile as she shook his hand. “Thank you for my daughter,” she said, her voice trembling slightly.

 

            Giving her a genuine smile, he told her that he’d sort out the necessary forms and get back to her, and Lena thanked him once more before she was dismissed. Outside, in the office, she caught Imra and Querl talking near the elevator and looped her arms through both of theirs, before pushing the elevator button and steering them into it when it opened. With the promise of cake and wine, she drove them back to her apartment for the party, feeling light-hearted and in high spirits as she chattered away with Imra in the front seat of the car. It felt good to have her friend back, and even better to know that things were falling into place. 

 

            Eagerly making her way back up to the apartment, she walked in and swung her daughter up into her arms the moment that she came upon her sneaking a sausage roll from the platter on the kitchen counters. Dressed in a yellow Power Ranger costume, with a blue tutu and a tiara to finish it off, Laurel laughed as Lena tickled her and peppered her cheek with kisses before she set her back down again. Brushing dark curls down into place, she smiled at Imra, who sank down to her knees in front of Laurel and made a big show about complimenting the girl’s costume.

 

            Kara wandered out of the dining room, a faint dusting of flour and smears of icing covering the front of the frilly apron she wore, and she smiled brightly at the sight of Lena, before removing the apron and giving Imra a warm hug. It looked like Kara had been busy while she’d been gone, with the place covered in balloons and decorations, banners stuck to the walls and confetti littering the floor, and the counters were covered with mixing bowls, half-plated dishes and an assortment of cheeses and cold cuts for a platter. Filling up two glasses of wine for Imra and Querl, Lena jumped into finishing the rest of the food, checking the clock and finding it a little after twelve - less than an hour until the party was supposed to start.

 

            Everyone chipped in, much to Lena’s gratitude, and while Querl helped blow up the remaining balloons, Imra helped cut carrots and celery into neat sticks and make ham and cheese sandwiches, while Lena cut pineapple and cheese into cubes and skewered them on toothpicks with slices of sausage or ham. The whole time she had a smile on her face, and she turned the kitchen radio on, humming along with a song she recognised as the four of them quickly dealt with the work.

 

            Her good mood didn’t go unnoticed either, and she carried little bowls of freshly chopped fruit into the dining room on a plastic tray, finding space on the leaden table and sneaking half a strawberry from one of them when Kara followed her in bearing cupcakes.

 

            “You seem more cheerful than you were when you left,” Kara sceptically said, giving Lena a wary look as she set a cake stand of little iced cupcakes down on the dining table.

 

            Smiling brightly, Lena moved closer to her and reached out to take one of her hands in her own, a slightly sheepish look on her face. “I quit my job.

 

            “You quit your  _ job?” _ Kara echoed, looking stunned.

 

            “I did.”

 

            “Did you plan this? You didn’t tell me-”

 

            Letting out an airy laugh, Lena shook her head, a light feeling blossoming in her chest as she felt free for the first time in a long while. She had no obligations to anyone except herself and the family she’d chosen. It was a nice thought, and although she’d been benched for months, and hadn’t  _ actually _ been doing any work, the idea of being unemployed left her feeling overwhelmingly relieved. It was like the last shackle come undone. The brother and the government had no more hold on her, and she could do whatever she wanted to now, without having to sell her soul to keep her daughter safe.

 

            “No, I just- I went there for the meeting, and … I realised I didn’t want that anymore. I did it for Laurel, and for my brother, and I was sitting there and I realised that … well, it’s all over now. I don’t  _ have _ to be a DEO agent anymore, and if I’m being honest, I’m so  _ sick _ of criminals. I mean, I grew up around them and then I left that behind, and then I got a job where I had to think like them, and I just … I don’t want to sit there staring at crime scenes and trying to predict what they’re going to do next. I just want to spend time with my family and sort my own life out. So I quit.”

 

            “And they just  _ let _ you?”

 

            Her shoulders rolled with a careless shrug, and Lena gave her a lopsided smile. “I guess I’ll have to sort out the rest of the paperwork, but yeah. My contract had no committed length. As long as I sign the NDA’s and turn in my badge and gun … I’m  _ free!” _

 

            “Free, huh?” Kara said with a slow smile spreading across her face, eyebrows raising slightly as her blue eyes creased gently at the corners. “I like the sound of that.”

 

            “Mm, me too.”

 

            Kara fiddled with their hands until they were entwined, her fingers lacing through Lena’s, and she bit her lip as she looked down for a moment, rubbing her thumb across Lena’s knuckles. Opening her mouth, she reached up with her free hand to self-consciously rub the back of her neck. “You know, well, if you’re free now, maybe we-”

 

            Imra chose that inopportune moment to walk into the room with a plate of finger sandwiches in hand, a friendly smile on her face as she bustled in without even realising what she was interrupting. “Shall I just put them anywhere?”

 

            Gently letting go of Kara’s hand, Lena softly cleared her throat, a nagging thought at the back of her mind at what Kara was about to say, before she stepped around the blonde, letting her hand briefly touch her arm, and started to rearrange the sprawling mass of junk food.

 

            “Yeah, just set them down anywhere.”

 

            Querl stepped in with a bunch of blown up balloons, trying to untangle himself from the strings of curled ribbon trailing from them as they bobbed against the ceiling. Feeling slightly frustrated at the sudden halt in her and Kara’s conversation, right when she thought it was about to turn to something serious, Lena went to help it. Without further opportunity for a hushed conversation, the two women soon found themselves rushing about to add the final touches to the birthday party, with a few of their friends showing up early to lend a helping hand.

 

            Alex showed up soon with a massive box wrapped in rainbow gift wrap with an assortment of kids toys inside. Sam came with Ruby not long after, and Winn came with a box of donuts and the board game  _ Operation _ , with James in tow, still dressed in his paramedics uniform. Soon, the apartment was brimming with kids, adults and the magician that Lena had hired as entertainment, and the apartment which usually felt so spacious for the three of them seemed almost overwhelmingly small. Parents were eager to leave their kids under Lena’s watchful eyes and she soon found herself with her hands full as the place was filled with the sounds of excited shouts and running footsteps. 

 

            Much to Lena’s surprise, Maggie showed up a while later, looking slightly uncomfortable by the throngs of kids about as she was shown in, carrying a hastily wrapped gift with a bow stuck to it, and Lena gave her a friendly smile and offered her some scotch, which was gratefully accepted. 

 

            Circulating around the room, Lena picked at the food, conversed with her friends and kept an eye on the kids, which were soon occupied by the magician doing card tricks for them, and she soon found herself standing beside Kara. Reaching over to steal a spring roll, Lena gave her a quick wink as she took a bite, and Kara made a spluttered protest, before hastily raising the camera she held to take a photo of the magician making Laurel pull coloured silk scarves out of his sleeve in and endless stream, much to the kids’ amazement. Lena laughed at the look of delight on her daughter’s face, before finishing off her spring roll and reaching for more food off the plate that Kara offered up to her. 

 

            The day felt long, and long after the party had finished and the children had all been picked up by various nannies or bodyguards, Lena imagined that she could still hear their screeches. Even after they’d gone, she was still wiping up smears of icing, trampled cake crumbs and spilt drinks with the help of Sam and Alex, while Kara kept Laurel distracted by helping her open all of the gifts that had been given to her by her friends. With plenty of leftovers to go around, she sent home platefuls with the two women when she shooed them out with her thanks and was almost sagging with relief by the time the sun started to set and she found herself alone in her apartment with her family.

 

            Washing up the rest of the dishes by hand as the dishwasher went through a load, she listened to the excited sounds of her daughter opening each gift while Kara gathered up the trash and shoved it into a garbage bag. It was a different kind of experience, hosting a party with kids in attendance, unlike the others where it had just been Lena’s friends, and she was grateful for the peacefulness that came afterwards. It was a nice kind of quietness, standing in the golden sunshine as it started to fade, staring out of the windows and the balcony door as she sipped wine turned golden in the streams of sunlight, and she wiped soap suds from her hands as she finished the dishes.

 

            It wasn’t long before Kara came walking out of the living room with Laurel, who was wide-eyed with excitement, but blinking owlishly with exhaustion after a long day of excitement. She’d lost her tiara sometime during the party but she was still wearing her Power Ranger outfit and tutu, and Lena gently ordered her towards her bedroom to put her pyjamas on. Stuffed full of cake and as much junk food as a six year old could manage, Laurel was too worn out to even protest, even though she wanted to stay up and play with her new toys, and Lena was soon laying beside her on her bed, reading a bedtime story as she stroked her daughter’s hair. It struck her how quickly time was passing by, with the startling fact that she had a six year old at odds to the feeling that she’d found her daughter in a bathroom not too long ago. With a sudden feeling of panic, she held Laurel just that little bit closer as she read her to sleep, and kissed her forehead softly as she tucked her in tightly with her stuffed duck that Kara had bought her all those years ago.

 

            Despite the earliness of the night, Lena felt exhausted and in need of a shower, and took her time underneath the hot water as she felt her stiff muscles relax, the smell of wine and frosting washed from her skin with a relaxing lavender soap as she blinked back the itchy feeling in her tired eyes. Wrapped in a fluffy towel, she brushed her teeth in front of the mirror, before exchanging the towel for a bathrobe hanging on the back of the door and running a brush through her messy hair.

 

            Kara wandered in halfway through, already dressed in her pyjamas and stretching widely as she yawned, her nose wrinkling as her eyes squeezed shut. “I’m so tired. Who knew children were so exhausting.”

 

            Snorting, Lena gave her a droll look, “me, the first few weeks when my newborn wouldn’t sleep and neither could I.”

 

            “At least she grew out of that quickly. Imagine having another one, God.”

 

            Pausing for a moment, Lena bit her lip as she set her hairbrush down on the counter. “Do you?”

 

            “Hm?”

 

            “Do you want kids?”

 

            Blinking in silent surprise, Kara hesitant, before shrugging indifferently. “I mean, I always imagined myself as a mother one day.”

 

            “So …”

 

            “Well … I guess I already did all of that, didn’t I? It didn’t necessarily have to be  _ my _ child.”

 

            “Right. I guess you’ve been a mother a lot longer than either of us really realised.”

 

            “Right.”

 

            Still, Lena couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps Kara  _ did _ want that for herself one day. Mike had seemed to sure it was what she wanted, and Lena wanted to give her all of the things that she wanted - maybe not just yet, as they were still getting back on their feet, but one day - and she’d never really considered the fact that that might include children. Laurel had been hers for so long, long before she’d even really been ready to be a mom, that the thought of doing that again had never even crossed her mind. Perhaps it was because Lena’s life had revolved around giving her daughter everything she’d never been given, but it had never occurred to her that perhaps she’d have to share that kind of love with another child one day, instead of feeding it all into her daughter. It hadn’t occurred to her until she’d wondered if Kara wanted that.

 

            “Hey, so how did it go today?” Kara asked, tactfully changing topics.

 

            “Oh, um, good. Yeah, so I quit, and my mom’s in protective custody. They offered her a plea deal for all of the information she gave them and for orchestrating the arrests. They’ve got her somewhere safe; Hank thinks I’ll be able to see her soon, if I want to.”

 

            “Do you?”

 

            “Maybe,” Lena shrugged, a frown flitting across her face before she picked up her hairbrush and resumed brushing all the knots out of her dark locks.

 

            They stood side by side in silence for a few moments, both of them going about their bedtime routine, and Lena found herself wistfully thinking about her bed. Since that first night, Kara had slept in her bed, it had become an almost nightly occurrence, and the gap between them had slowly lessened until she’d started to wake up early to a heavy arm thrown across her waist. Occasionally there was a small figure curled up between them on a bad night, and Lena found herself finding sleep more easily than she’d ever imagined she would. The circles around her eyes, and the sunken look to them started to fade, and with the help of her psychology books and a few self-help guides, she shirked the guilt of her brother’s death and found her dreams to be more peaceful and welcoming when she closed her eyes. It wasn’t something to be afraid of anymore.

 

            Washing her face at the sink while Kara brushed her teeth just off to her left, Lena dabbed at her face with a towel and picked up her face cream, dotting a few white blobs at critical points before gently massaging it in. It suddenly crossed her tired mind that they’d never finished their talk, and she turned to look at Kara, who was edging in to sink.

 

            “Hey, what was it you were going to say earlier? Before Imra walked in.”

 

            She waited patiently as Kara ducked her head over the sink, rinsing her mouth out and setting her toothbrush back into the holder. Her cheeks were slightly pink and she toyed with the bottom of her t-shirt as she let out a nervous laugh. Leaning back against the sink, Lena waited expectantly.

 

            “Oh …  _ that.  _ Yeah, I was just, um, well … I was going to ask if maybe, well, now that things are kind of settling down, I guess-”

 

            “You’re nervous,” Lena bluntly pointed out, cocking her head to the side as she gave Kara a searching look, a faint smile curling her lips. “After everything, you’re nervous. Is it bad?”

 

            Laughing, Kara rolled her eyes before she exhaled forcefully, closing her eyes for a brief moment. And then her eyelids fluttered back open and she fixed Lena with a firm stare, a soft look in her blue eyes as the corners of her mouth tugged up into a tentative smile.

 

            “I was wondering if you’d like to go on a date.”

 

            “A  _ date?” _ Lena incredulously asked, a laugh of surprise falling unbidden from her lips as her eyebrows rose up to greet her hairline.

 

            Rolling her eyes, Kara gave her an exasperated look as she stole the face cream from Lena and started to dab it on her own face, rubbing it into her burning cheeks as she tried to mask her embarrassment. “Bad idea?”

 

            Blinking in surprise, Lena quickly shook her head, reaching out to touch Kara’s arm as the blonde became fixated on her appearance in the mirror. “No, I just- why?”

 

            Letting out a faint sigh, Kara turned to face her. “Because we never got to have a first date. And I think we deserve to do this properly. So I’d like to take you out to a nice restaurant, and we can tell each other things about ourselves like we’re two strangers just meeting for the first time, and we’ll try different cocktails, and then I’ll pretend that I don’t live here too so I can walk you home.”

 

            “Okay,” Lena slowly said, warmth blooming in her chest at Kara’s words, “may I set some conditions?”

 

            Hesitating for a moment, a look of worry brewing deep in her eyes, Kara nodded. Smiling, Lena reached out and tucked a lock of blonde hair behind Kara’s ear. “After we go to that nice restaurant, which will undoubtedly have teeny tiny courses, like all nice restaurants do, I get to buy us Chinese on the way home. And I get to bring you flowers - the biggest, most ostentatious bunch of flowers you’ve ever seen in your life - and we share dessert like we’re in some kind of movie. And we dance.”

 

            “Dance?”

 

            “Mhm. If we’re going to have a first date, then I want to do it all properly.”

 

            Kara’s worried expression relaxed into one of coy happiness as her cheeks turned rosy and her eyes shone with warmth. “So … it’s a date?”

 

            “It’s  _ finally _ a date.”


	37. Chapter 37

            Their first date was planned for the following Friday and they both danced around the topic all week, their excitement evident in the coy comments, playful looks on their faces, and Lena found herself nervous with anticipation as the night drew closer. It was almost silly to feel nervous, knowing that after everything that had gone wrong between them, things couldn’t get worse, but that was the thing; she wanted things to be perfect. After so many hardships and troubles, she wanted to give Kara one night of perfection, so that she’d know just how much she meant to Lena. She supposed that Kara felt the same in some respect.

 

            On the day of their date, they went to the park with Laurel in the morning and had lunch at one of their favourite local spots, before going home to get ready. Taking it in turns to shower, they went to their respective ends of the apartment and spent a good amount of time doing their hair and makeup, making sure that the other didn’t see them, and Lena helped Laurel with a puzzle while her daughter kept her company in her bedroom. Hanging on the back of her door was a deep green satin dress, and once she was ready, her hair curled and red lipstick on her lips, she slipped it on and put on a pair of heels. 

 

            Alex had offered to take Laurel for the night and Lena still had to drop her off before their date started, as well as make a trip to the florist, and she readied herself with a deep breath, summoning her confidence, before she fetched a thin camel coloured trench coat and put it on, covering her outfit. Ready, she warily made her way down the hallway towards Kara’s room and paused outside the closed door of the bathroom, listening to the sounds of Kara moving within it.

 

            She knocked on the door and listened to the sound of things clattering into the sink while Kara softly swore, before raising her voice in a panic. “Don’t come in!”

 

            Quietly chuckling, Lena smiled as she rested her hand against the cool wood of the bathroom door. “I’m not. I’m going to drop Laurel off at Alex’s now. I’ll be back soon.”

 

            “Okay,” came the muffled reply.

 

            Grabbing her daughter’s bag, stuffed duck and coat, she waited as Laurel put her own shoes on at her insistence, before holding her hand tightly as she stepped outside into the hallway. Riding the elevator down to the underground garage, Lena strapped her daughter in on the booster seat and buckled her own belt up as she made herself comfortable behind the wheel, moving the chair back slightly to accommodate her heels. 

 

            The drive across town to Alex’s apartment took a while, with the end of rush hour clogging up the roads, and they listened to the radio, Lena smiling as she listened to her daughter sing along to the songs she knew, and soon enough she was parking outside the familiar building and leading her daughter upstairs.

 

            Knocking on Alex’s door, she waited and listened to the sound of footsteps drifting closer, before the door was jerked open to reveal the distracted looking lawyer, still dressed in her business attire. Beyond her, Lena could see case files stacked on the kitchen table and a leather jacket slung over the arm of the sofa. The sound of someone else inside didn’t escape her notice.

 

            “Hey,” Alex said with a soft sigh, a smile curling her lips. “You look nice.”

 

            “Thank you,” Lena said, giving her a shy smile in return as she pulled the backpack off her shoulder and held it out, one hand lingering on Laurel’s shoulder. “Thank you for doing this.” Alex waved her hand dismissively, reaching out to take the backpack. “Everything she needs is in here, but call me if you need anything else.”

 

            “We’ll be fine. Maggie’s here too; we’re going to order pizza, and I’ve already rented The Lion King, one, two  _ and _ three. Should be fun, huh?” Alex said, smiling down at Laurel as she beckoned for her to come in.

 

            Quickly opening the purse, Lena fished out a fifty dollar bill and held it out, “here, pizza’s on me.”

 

            Taking it without complaint, knowing that Lena would win, Alex thanked her. Bending down to her daughter’s level, Lena gave her a loving smile and stroked her hair back, giving her a stern warning to behave herself and a quick kiss, before turning her over into Alex’s care for the night. With a knowing smile on her face, Alex told her to have a good night, and Lena couldn’t bite back a smile as she said goodbye and turned around.

 

            She made the drive back home with only one stop, aa gigantic bunch of flowers soon occupying the passenger seat beside her, filling the car with their sweet perfume, and she couldn’t keep her excitement at bay as she drove back towards her apartment. Feel slightly jittery with nerves, although she kept telling herself there was no pressure, Lena drove through the city, moving slowly through the traffic beneath a purple and pink sky. It was strange to feel so nervous about something so trivial as a date with Kara, given everything they’d been through, but it was also one of the most important moments in her life. For someone who’d never been in a relationship, who’d had her childhood stolen from her and been guided towards dating to relieve the pressure from what her and Kara were doing together, a real first date was a big thing for Lena. So big that she found herself wanting to make sure it all went perfect. 

 

            Parking her car outside the apartment, she grabbed the bouquet from the front seat and briskly walked inside, an eagerness to her movements as she smiled widely at the security guard manning the desk, and slipped into the elevator. Nervously smoothing the satin fabric of her deep green dress, she rode the elevator in silence, feeling her palms grow clammy as she ascended. The doors parted as she came to a smooth halt, and Lena’s heels clicked on the tiled floor of the hallway, giving her some confidence as she raised her chin and walked towards her door.

 

            Briskly knocking, just for the fun of pretending that she was there to pick Kara up, she waited patiently and was soon rewarded by the door opening. Holding the massive display of blooming flowers, she found her sight blocked by pastel coloured petals but smiled despite herself at the surprised laughter that came from the other side of the bouquet.

 

_             “Lena!” _

 

            “What?” she replied, her smile growing.

 

            The sound of Kara’s voice drifted away, accompanied by the click of heels, and Lena blindly stepped inside. “How did you even  _ find _ a bouquet that big?” Kara laughed. “Did you buy the whole florist?”

 

            “Now that’s an idea. Perhaps for the second date.”

 

            “You’re ridiculous.”

 

            Smiling, her eyes crinkling at the corners as her cheeks dimpled, a glow of pride around her as she moved towards the kitchen counters. “And you’re,” she said, setting the flowers down and catching her first glimpse of Kara, making her sharp quip die on the tip of her tongue as her eyes widened slightly,  _ “beautiful.” _

 

            Kara’s laugh broke her out of her daze and Lena felt her cheeks flood with warmth as a hesitant smile flitted across her lips. “Sorry. That’s not what I was going to say, but … well, you are.”

 

            “And you,” Kara quietly said, rounding the counters to reveal the dusky pink dress she wore. Her hair was pinned up, her lips painted the same shade as her dress, and she’d forgone her glasses for the night. Reaching down for the flowers to her right, Kara raised the bouquet to her nose and inhaled deeply, a smile curling her lips as she raised her eyes from the blooming flowers. “Thank you for the flowers. They’re lovely.”

 

            Nodding, Lena gestured towards the door. “Are you ready to go?”

 

            Gathering up her coat and purse, Kara opened the front door and stepped outside while Lena locked up. They made their way downstairs, both of them quiet as a tense feeling weighed down on them, the anticipation of the evening ahead of them making the air feel charged between them. Darkness had fully fallen by that time and they stood side by side on the sidewalk as Lena tried to flag down a cab, swearing at each yellow car that sped past with passengers already occupying it. It was Friday night, and only to be expected that everyone would be heading out into the city to crowd into clubs and bars, and Lena gave Kara a sheepish smile as they waited on the curb for nearly ten minutes, before a cab finally stopped for them.

 

            Kara gave a name to the driver, and Lena stayed silent as she realised that she knew that restaurant. It was reasonably fancy - perhaps too fancy for an ordinary first date, but given the circumstances, this was more of a cause for celebration than most first dates - and located in a good area of the inner city district. The ride wasn’t too long, and they got the driver to drop them off a block away, walking the rest in companionable silence as they wound their way through the busy streets as people thronged towards the most popular haunts in National City. 

 

            It wasn’t long before they came to a stop outside the restaurant, and Kara gave her a wide smile as she turned to look at her, her face bathed deep yellow in the buttery light spilling out through the arched windows inside. The front had a red-brick facade with a white trim, an old building from the century before, and a doorman pulled open the glass door as they mounted the three steps beneath the black awning shading them.

 

            Shedding their coats as they stepped inside, Kara gave her name to the attendant at the podium in the small foyer, while a waiter collected their coats off them and gave them a token in return. The air was warm inside and Lena followed after Kara as they were led into the restaurant and shown to a small booth off to the left. The floors were covered in a plush carpet in deep scarlet and the booths were upholstered in worn green leather. Taking seats across from each other they picked up their menus off the dark polished table. 

 

            While they browsed the drinks menu the waiter brought them a carafe of chilled water and waited nearby for them to give him their order.

 

            “May I have an espresso martini, please,” Lena said, giving the waiter a polite smile.

 

            “And a cosmo for me, please.”

 

            Nodding, the waiter turned to put in their order, and Lena found herself feeling quite cozy nestled in their private booth. They sat across from each other and Lena felt Kara’s stare keenly on her face as she browsed the menu, feigning obliviousness as she debated whether she should get the salmon or the linguine. At the soft clearing of Kara’s throat, Lena looked up, a coy smile curling her lips as she set the menu down.

 

            “Any thoughts about what appetiser you’re going to get?”

 

            “I was thinking the oysters.”

 

            “Oh, a seafood fan, hm?”

 

            “Somewhat. I’m going to take a wild guess and say you’re more of a fan of Chinese cuisine yourself.”

 

            “Hm, now how could you possibly guess that?” Kara said, her eyes flickering with amusement.

 

            Leaning back in her seat, a dark eyebrow arched slightly, Lena gave her a languid shrug. “It might sound a bit presumptuous for a first date, but I just have this sense that I  _ know _ you.”

 

            Raising her eyebrows, Kara bit her bottom lip to stop a smile from spreading across her face. “Oh? I think I can feel that myself too. It’s as if I’ve known you for a long time. Say, seven years.”

 

            “Give or take a few weeks.”

 

            They both laughed at their silliness, and Lena felt a warmth bloom in her chest. Their cocktails were there a moment later, being presented to them carefully by the waiter balancing a tray on one palm, and Lena raised hers and took a small sip. The coffee was rich and she hummed with appreciation, before offering it up to Kara for a taste. They swapped drinks for a moment and relaxed in the ambience of the place. Music played softly in the background, the quiet hum of voices rising slightly above it as knives and forks clinked against china plates. 

 

            “So, Kara, tell me a bit about yourself,” Lena said, a smirk playing on her lips.

 

            “Well, I’m a paramedic. I grew up in a town upstate. My favourite colour is-”

 

            “Blue?”

 

            “Another good guess,” Kara said, narrowing her eyes slightly as she smiled.

 

            Laughing, Lena tilted her head to the side and stared at Kara from across the table. The waiter came back a moment later and took their orders for their appetisers and mains, and Lena got the oysters and linguine for herself, while Kara chose the bruschetta and lamb cutlets. They made witty conversation until their appetisers came out, and kept it running while they ate, sharing with each other until their plates were clean. They ordered another round of cocktails before their mains arrived; another cosmo for Kara and a Manhattan for Lena.

 

            Their linguine and lamb cutlets came out shortly afterwards, and Lena twirled her fork in her pasta and took a bite, humming with appreciation and asking Kara about her own food. They ate in silence for a few moments, the quiet music soothing in the background until Lena saw Kara reach up to pull her necklace out from underneath the neck of her dress, the blue stone dangling from its slender silver chain. She smiled softly at the memory of giving it to Kara all those years ago, and at the fact that she’d never taken it off. Not even when she was going to marry another man.

 

            “I love your necklace,” Lena said, a smile flitting across her face, “I used to have one just like it.”

 

            “What happened to it?” Kara playfully asked as she went along with her.

 

            “It belonged to my grandmother once upon a time, and was worth a small fortune. I sold most of my jewellery, but not that piece. Instead, I gave it to someone special. I never told them what it was worth, but they were priceless to me and I wanted them to have it. They were worth far more than any necklace; they still are.”

 

            Kara’s hand fluttered up to grasp the blue diamond encased in silver as her expression softened. “Lena-”

 

            “You  _ do _ know how special you are to me, don’t you?” Lena said, her voice low with urgency, afraid for a moment that Kara might not have fully realised the depth of Lena’s feelings. They’d been there for a lot longer than she’d realised, and she’d never been able to fully express how she’d felt, but it was important to her that Kara knew that she’d always been so important to her. “You’ve always been special to me, from the very beginning. I know I couldn’t always say it, but I hope you knew it.”

 

            “I did, I  _ do _ ,” Kara said, reaching across the table and accidentally upsetting her half-full cosmo. 

 

            A mixture of vodka, triple sec and cranberry juice raced across the small, round table as it spilt out of the glass and rushed towards Lena, who halfway rose to her feet in a late attempt to right the glass before her satin dress was splattered with liquor. Kara was on her feet in the same instant, a mortified look of embarrassment on her face as she looked around, picking up the pristine white napkin and trying to mop up the mess that she’d made. 

 

            Shaking out her own napkin with a snap of her wrist, Lena dabbed at her wet dress and couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up and fell from her lips. Covering her mouth with a hand, she sat back down and comically raised her eyebrows at Kara as she dabbed up the alcohol still steadily dripping off her end of the table.

 

            “I’m  _ so _ sorry,” Kara said, her voice low and aghast as she gave Lena a wide-eyed look of dismay. “I can’t believe I just- and that’s such a beautiful dress as well. Trust me to ruin the night before it’s even started.”

 

            Waving aside her concerns, Lena gave her a small smile of reassurance, “the universe has been conspiring to keep us apart for years; this is the least of the bad things I was expecting to happen tonight.”

 

            “Oh?” Kara said, relaxing slightly, even though her cheeks were still quite pink, “what were you expecting?”

 

            Blowing all the air out of her cheeks, Lena let her gaze wander around the room, their accident apparently having gone unnoticed by the other customers and staff members, and she propped her chin up in her hand, a thoughtful look crossing her face. Meeting Kara’s blue eyes, her eyes crinkled as she gave her a wry smile.

 

            “Well, I was half-expecting someone to rear-end me on the way home from Alex’s. Or a panicked phone call off your sister telling me that my child is being a nightmare and needs to be picked up-”

 

            “Ducky’s an angel. No chance of that one. And we’re already here, so no rear-ending,” Kara dismissively replied, a look of amusement on her face.

 

            “I forgot my credit card and had to make you pay, embarrassing myself by coming off so presumptuous.”

 

            “Did you?”

 

            “No. I tripled-checked before we left.”

 

            “What else have you got?”

 

            Letting out a quiet laugh, Lena shrugged as she bit her bottom lip. “I don’t know. I’m so anxious that I drink too much and we have to go to the ER to get my stomach pumped.”

 

            Kara muffled a snort of laughter as she gave Lena a pointed look, “I’ve been clubbing with you before; I  _ know _ you can handle your liquor. Do you have any other concerns? Or do you believe in us just the  _ slightest _ bit.”

 

            “Us? Yes. But the universe is another matter altogether. And you’ve already upset the cosmos, so ...” Lena said, arching an eyebrow slightly while she gave Kara a dry look.

 

            “Oh you’re  _ funny,” _ Kara said, pressing her lips together as she fought back a smile. She caught the attention of a nearby waiter as Lena took a sip of her martini, savouring the coffee taste, and she smiled sweetly up at the man. “Would it be possible to have a universe cocktail made?”

 

            Lena choked slightly and swallowed quickly, setting her glass down and giving Kara an exasperated look as the waiter assured her that they could, with some confusion, before walking off to find out if it would be possible.

 

            “What’re you going to do, get them to make you space themed cocktails all night?”

 

            “Maybe I will,” Kara loftily replied,  _ “and _ I won’t spill them at all, because the universe is  _ not  _ conspiring against us.”

 

            Quietly laughing to herself, Lena distractedly wiped her napkin across the table, mopping up a few stray drops, before she set her pink stained napkin off to one side, gingerly wiping her wet hand on the thigh of her dress. Twirling her fork in her pasta, she hesitated for a moment, before gesturing it towards Kara and raising her eyebrows.

 

            “Would you like to try it?”

 

            Nodding, Kara swallowed her mouthful of potato and asparagus, before she reached across the table to take Lena’s heaped fork from her. “It looks-  _ shit,” _ Kara quietly swore as she dropped a forkful of spaghetti into her lap. “Oh great, I’m just on a roll tonight.”

 

            Covering her mouth with her hand, Lena pressed her lips into a tight line as she tried to keep herself from laughing. Still, Kara read the amusement on her face the moment that she looked up and met her gaze, and she gave her a dark look as her face flushed red again.

 

            “Don’t you dare-”

 

            Lena burst into laughter as Kara frustratedly wiped at the front of her dress, unable to stop herself as she took in the brooding look on the other woman’s face.

 

            “So much for a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant,” Kara grumbled, “I’m such a clutz. So  _ stupid _ . Next time I’m wearing black.”

 

            “Oh don’t beat yourself up about it,” Lena lightly said, a tender look dawning on her face, before a slow smile curled her lips and she gestured at herself, “we’re a pair well matched. I look like I’ve wet myself and you look like you don’t know where your mouth is.”

 

            “I’m sorry,” Kara sheepishly said, “I’m just- well, I’m nervous.”

 

            Cocking her head to the side, Lena’s cheek dimpled as she gave her a lopsided smile. “Yeah? Me too.”

 

            Eyebrows flying up in surprise, Kara gave her a bewildered look, although relief was evident in her eyes and the way her shoulders sagged slightly. “Really?”

 

            “Of  _ course!” _ Lena quietly crowed. “We’ve waited so long for this; I really want to make tonight special. Something that we can always hold onto, you know?”

 

            Getting all flustered, Kara couldn’t bite back her smile as her cheeks turned rosy with delight, and she was almost squirming in her seat as she ducked her head down, nervously playing with her hair. “It already  _ is _ special,” Kara murmured a moment later, reaching for her drink, “I get to spend it with you.”

 

            “And I get to spend it with you,” Lena whispered, a warmth pooling in her stomach as she gazed at Kara. “Finally.”

 

            “Finally.”

 

            “What made you change your mind?” Lena curiously asked after a moment, reaching for her drink and taking a sip as she pushed her empty bowl away from her.

 

            Hesitating for a moment, Kara gave her a small smile and shrugged slightly. “I don’t know, I just- I stopped feeling guilty, and I didn’t want space anymore. He’s already dating someone else, you know. And I realised that I had to stop beating myself up over what happened, because I made my decision, and feeling bad for making it wouldn’t change anything. So why shouldn’t I get to do what I want - have what I want? Waiting won’t change anything, and God knows I’ve already waited long enough. Two and a half years is a long time to love someone from a distance.”

 

            “And … you’re doing okay with it all?” Lena hesitantly asked, a note of worry in her voice, “this isn’t all … too much? Too fast?”

 

            Letting out a loud laugh, Kara gave her an incredulous look, “too  _ fast? _ Lena, if we went any slower, I think we’d both be grey-haired and having our first date in a nursing home.”

 

            “And it’d still be special if it was with you. Now, how about we share dessert?”

 

            They browsed the menu for a moment and a smile tugged at the corners of Lena’s lips as she glanced up and found Kara pretending to read over it. Setting her menu aside, she folded her arms over the tabletop and leant forward, a knowing look on her face.

 

            “You want the chocolate cake, don’t you?”

 

            “I  _ do,” _ Kara quietly groaned, “but if you want something else-”

 

            “Chocolate cake it is.”

 

            Their dishes and glasses were cleared away and new drinks were brought, a purple shimmering cocktail for Kara and an Old Fashioned for Lena, before a slice of chocolate fudge cake was set down in the middle with two forks. Gesturing towards it, Lena watched as Kara took a tentative bite, an eager look on her face as she forked chocolate and whipped cream into her mouth, and Lena took a small bite. It was rich and sweet and she had a few mouthfuls before leaving the rest for Kara to polish off.

 

            As she’d predicted, the courses were small - delicious and expensive, but not very filling, even with three courses - and she was content to sip at her drink while they relaxed, for the time being, waiting for the Chinese food that they were going to get on the way home. They slowly sipped their drinks, chatting away as they found themselves absorbed in each other’s company, with time slipping by quickly, although they were oblivious to it. It was starting to get late when they finally realised the time, and Lena’s dress was mostly dry, although Kara still had tomato sauce down the front of her.

 

            Deciding to get the check, they had a curt exchange, before Lena graciously bowed out, knowing that it was important to Kara that she be able to pay for things sometime. It wasn’t that she was insecure about that fact that Lena was wealthy and paid their bills and owned the apartment, but it was more about the chivalrous act of paying for the first date, and Lena bit back a smile as she watched Kara present her card with a flourish, smiling up at the waiter. With their purses hiding the worst of their stained clothes, they fetched their coats from coat check and stepped outside, finding the night quite cool. It made Lena’s skin prickle with goosebumps and Kara noticed as a shiver ran through her.

 

            “Are you cold?” she quickly asked, her blue eyes full of concern. “Here, take my coat.”

 

            Lena let out a snort of laughter, “I have a coat.”

 

            “I know, but you can wear my one,” Kara insisted.

 

            Her skin was covered in goosebumps too, her bottom lip trembling slightly as a gust of wind rushed past them, and Lena gave her a pointed look, before hesitating. Reaching out, she took Kara’s coat from her and slipped it on, the sleeves just a little bit too long for her, and she gave her a charming smile as she held out her own coat.

 

            “Here, now we both get to be chivalrous.”

 

            Rolling her eyes, Kara accepted the coat in silence, and Lena suspected that it was for the same reason that she’d taken Kara’s from her; there was a faint smell of lingering perfume on the collar, and it was Kara’s. There was something comforting about wearing someone else’s clothes, especially when it was oversized like Kara’s. She felt safe in it, warm and protected, and she surprised herself by reaching out to grab Kara’s hand, lacing their fingers together as she set off in the direction of home.

 

            “Come on, I’ve already put in our order and you promised to walk me home.”

 

            Strolling through the city, they enjoyed the cool air on their faces and the simple act of walking home hand in hand as they passed bars and restaurants, leaving behind the busier sector of the city for the quieter residential blocks. It wasn’t a long walk, and it was made that much more enjoyable as they laughed and chatted, occasionally gently swinging their joined hands back and forth, biting back smiles as they caught each other staring every so often. It made Lena’s heart stumble over itself and she realised that this was what she’d missed out on. The fact that she got to experience it with Kara made it all the more special to her, and she cherished every moment of the walk through the city.

 

_             “Shit,” _ Kara suddenly said, lurching unsteadily to one side as her leg buckled beneath her and she nearly pulled Lena down with her.

 

            Lena steadied her with her free hand and gave their entwined hands a gentle squeeze as she laughed, her forehead furrowed with a look of confusion. “Are you okay? You're not drunk are you? ”

 

            “It’s my heel,” Kara said, pursing her lips slightly as she frowned, looking down at her foot as she raised it, balancing herself with one hand on Lena’s shoulder. They were face to face, and she glanced down too, taking in the bent angle of the heel. “It’s broken,” Kara mournfully replied, a sombre look crossing her face. “These were my favourite pair.”

 

            Squeezing her hand, Lena wrinkled her nose slightly as she gave her a tender smile, “I’ll buy you a new pair. Can you walk?”

 

            “You mean hobble?” Kara snorted.

 

            Pausing for a moment, Lena smiled and dropped their entwined hands, before turning around. “Come on, hop on my back.”

 

            “You can’t  _ carry  _ me!” Kara protested, spluttering slightly as she gave Lena a humouring look when the brunette glanced back over her shoulder expectantly. 

 

            “It’s only two more blocks,” Lena shrugged, “I’m quite strong you know. It’s from all the criminals I’ve had to knock about in my famed career as a spy.”

 

            Quietly chuckling, Kara tugged off one heel and then the other, raising her eyebrows slightly. “A spy you say? You left that part out at dinner.”

 

            “Ah, well, you see, as a spy, I can’t divulge that information until date  _ three _ .”

 

            “Date three? You sound confident. Ready?”

 

            Making a sound of affirmation, Lena braced herself, leaning forward slightly, and wrapped her arms around Kara’s legs as she hopped up onto her back. Arms wound around her neck, and Lena turned to the side slightly to beam up at her. A pair of heels dangled in front of her chest as Kara held her shoes in her hands, and Lena jostled her up further up her back before she continued walking down the street, surrounded by Kara’s warmth and the smell of her perfume enveloping her like a cloud.

 

            “Well, you see,” Lena casually replied, continuing their conversation as she walked down the nearly deserted sidewalk, “I have this feeling like I’ve known you for, what was it, seven years?”

 

            “Give or take a few weeks,” Kara murmured, her warm breath fanning across Lena’s cheek and making her spine prickle as she suppressed a shudder.

 

            “Right, so I feel confident telling you my top secret secrets.”

 

            “And the universe is  _ definitely _ not ruining that confidence for you at all?”

 

            Laughing, Lena smiled widely as she walked past neon signs lighting their way past convenience stores, takeout shops and small gallery openings, bistros and cafes. “I’m still on the fence about the universe. We’ll see how the Chinese food turns out first; they might forget our potstickers, which could be the worst omen of them all.”

 

            Squeezing her tightly for a moment, Kara laughed in her ear, “don’t worry, I’ll double-check.”

 

            They made playful conversation the rest of the way to the Chinese restaurant the next block over, where Lena forcibly pushed the door open and stepped into the building. A fan was whirring above the front counter, the smell of cooking food drifting through from the kitchen and round tables dotted the room with red Chinese lanterns dangling from the ceiling. It was Kara’s favourite takeout place and Lena smiled at the young girl behind the counter as she stood there with Kara on her back. They were regular customers and they didn’t have to give their name for her to know which order they were there to pick up.

 

            Just a few short minutes later, they were stepping back outside with the tinkle of the bell above the door and a white plastic bag was dangling from Lena’s arm as she set off homeward. Another short walk to the next block and they were home, stepping into the cool lobby and making their way towards the elevator and up to their apartment. 

 

            Kara slid off her back as Lena fished her key out of her purse and unlocked the door, waving the blonde in ahead of her before following her inside, flipping light switches and smiling as Kara let her heels clatter to the floor. Setting the food down on the counter, Lena softly sighed with content and shed her coat, hanging it up on the hook beside the door, before making her way into the kitchen. She turned on the radio and filled the apartment with the staticky sound of music playing on the late night radio shows.

 

            While she hunted down two wine glasses the bag rustled behind her and she rounded with a bottle of Pinot Noir in one hand and a Sauvignon Blanc in the other, a bemused look on her face as she took in the sight of Kara sitting on the kitchen counters, pink dressed stained with napolitana sauce and her hands quickly opening a white takeout box. She fished a pair of chopsticks out of the bag and picked up a piece of sweet and sour pork, giving Lena an eye-crinkling smile when she looked up.

 

            “Pinot or Sav?” Lena asked.

 

            “Pinot.”

 

            Nodding, Lena set the other bottle back on the wine rack and walked over to Kara, setting the two glasses down with a clink and uncorking the bottle with a quiet pop. She poured a generous glass for them both, before fishing out a box of chow mein and a pair of chopsticks. Moving back across the kitchen, putting a few feet between them both, she hopped up onto the counter with her own glass of wine and dug into the food.

 

            Leaning across the open space, they passed containers of food back and forth, refilling their glasses of wine until the bottle was nearly empty, while they listened to music and occasionally burst into conversation when a stray thought came to mind. Full long before they finished off the food, Kara put it all away while Lena topped their glasses up with more red wine. It was past midnight by that point, and things seemed slow and quiet as the hush of night enveloped them. The radio was a quiet buzz in the background and Kara’s movements were slow as she stacked Chinese food in the fridge for tomorrow.

 

            Sliding off the counter, wine glass in hand, Lena smiled softly as she walked towards her, her hand gently brushing against Kara’s arm as the blonde shut the fridge and slowly turned around. “Miss Danvers, I believe you owe me a dance.”

 

            “I  _ do,”  _ Kara said, mouth curving as she smiled, her blue eyes sparkling slightly in the kitchen lights. 

 

            Hand gliding further down Kara’s arm, Lena took a sip of wine as she reached her hand and held it in her own, before raising their entwined hands and spinning Kara around in a circle, “I should warn you, I’m an expert at the waltz.”

 

            “I might step on your toes,” Kara admitted with a sheepish look on her face.

 

            Laughing, Lena dropped her hand and walked back over to the counter Kara had been perched on, picking up her glass of wine and handing it to her. Taking a sip of her own drink, Lena raised her eyebrows slightly, a smirk tugging at one side of her mouth, and she pulled Kara closer again, her hand resting against her lower back as she found herself so close to her that it was almost nerve-wracking.

 

            They danced slowly for a few minutes, fighting back smiles as they cradled their glasses of wine and swayed back and forth before Lena let out a quiet chuckle and Kara cracked. Letting out a soft sigh, Kara rested her forehead against Lena’s and shook her head slightly as she laughed. Spinning her out, Lena laughed again as she held Kara at arm's length with one hand, before pulling her back towards her, raising their arms so that she could twirl beneath it. Dizzy, Kara stumbled slightly and wine sloshed out of her glass as she nearly barrelled into Lena, who reached out to steady her and slipped in the puddle of red wine pooling on the wooden floor.

 

            A small yelp of surprise fell from her lips as she slid, dropping her own glass to the floor before she followed it down. She dragged Kara down with her and found herself on her elbows, her chin throbbing and Kara holding a hand to her forehead as she straddled Lena with a wide-eyed look of shock on her face. Her lips were parted slightly and she made a small sound of confusion, before Lena laughed, pushing herself up further onto her elbows.

 

            “Oh your poor forehead,” she said, a tender look on her face as she bit her lip, trying not to laugh again, “are you okay?”

 

            Rubbing her forehead, Kara frowned slightly, “yeah, how’s your chin?”

 

            Wrinkling her nose, Lena shrugged and gave her a smile, “I’ll live.”

 

            “Yeah?” Kara murmured, reaching down to gently cup her chin in her hand.

 

            Tendrils of wispy blonde hair had come undone from her pinned chignon and she hovered above Lena so close that it made Lena’s heart jump in her chest. Almost as if she was being pulled towards her, Lena pushed herself up further, aware of a dull throb in her hand from where she must’ve hit the floor, while wine soaked into her dress from her dropped glass, until she was almost nose to nose with Kara. She could feel her breath on her lips and hardly dared to breathe as Kara reached out to trace the side of her face with the featherlight touch of her fingers.

 

            “You know, a first date isn’t really complete without a goodnight kiss,” Kara murmured.

 

            Cheeks flushing as her heart hammered in her chest, Lena’s lips twitched slightly and she arched an eyebrow, “are we going to bed now?”

 

            “No,” Kara said, her nose bumping against Lena’s, her voice low and slightly husky, “but I can’t remember the last time that we kissed, and I really want to kiss you.”

 

            Reaching up, Lena touched her fingertips to the side of Kara’s face, and the blonde smiled as she leant into her touch, her eyelids fluttering closed for a moment before they opened again and grew startlingly wide. “You’re bleeding!”

 

            She jerked backwards and grabbed Lena’s arm in her hands, hunching over the palm of her hand, which was stained red with blood and slowly trickling down her arm from where she’d raised it up to cradle Kara’s face. “Oh. I smashed my wine glass,” Lena murmured, realising that there were shards of glass laying beside her, sparkling in the kitchen lights. She must’ve cut herself on a piece when she’d fallen to the floor.

 

            “Stay here, I’ll get my kit,” Kara quickly told her, climbing to her feet as Lena was left wordlessly spluttering, a crestfallen look on her face as she pushed herself upright, cradling her cut hand to her chest as she longingly looked after Kara’s retreating figure, her lips almost still anticipating the kiss that hadn’t come.

 

            Her dress was wet from where the wine had seeped into the satin, and she grimaced as she climbed to her feet and fetched a cloth to carefully mop up the wine and wrap the shards of glass in, before rinsing her palm off and leaning against the counter as Kara re-emerged from the mouth of the hallway leading towards her bedroom, carrying her bulky first aid kit with her and setting it down on the kitchen counter. 

 

            She rummaged through it for an assortment of items, before carefully cradling Lena’s hand in her own warm one and gingerly wiping it with a stinging antiseptic wipe that made Lena quietly hiss with pain as she tried to tug her hand back. Kara tightened her grip slightly, giving her a grim look as she muttered an apology, before dabbing some cream onto the cuts, too small to need stitches but bleeding freely, before she taped a thick layer of gauze pads to her palm.

 

            “So, two dresses ruined, a broken heel, one injury … anything else?” Kara sighed, a rueful smile on her face as she tossed cotton wool and q-tips into the trash and packed all of her stuff away.

 

            Snorting, Lena rolled her eyes, “I thought  _ I  _ was being the cynical one here.”

 

            Sighing, Kara’s dark expression softened and she reached out for Lena’s bandaged hand, holding it tenderly in her own before she pressed a kiss to the fingertip of each finger and then pressed it against her chest, cradling it gently as her cheek dimpled. Lena could feel how fast her heart was beating through the thin fabric of her dress, and she felt her mouth go dry. A moment later Kara ducked down and quickly kissed her, taking her by surprise, and Lena felt her face grow warm as her stomach fluttered and a warm feeling swept through her. It was chaste and quick, but it was sweet and perfect, and a shy smile flitted across Kara’s face as she pulled back, her own cheeks turning pink.

 

            “Coffee?” Kara asked a moment later.

 

            Eyes crinkling at the corners, Lena reached up to brush the knuckles of her fingers across Kara’s cheek, “sure.”

 

            She went to change out of her dress while Kara pottered around in the kitchen, putting the coffee machine on and pulling out mugs. It was warm inside the apartment so Lena just shrugged on a silk bathrobe before leaving her dress in her laundry basket, before she walked back out into the kitchen, finding a steaming cup of black coffee being poured for her. Kara’s eyes gave her a once over before she turned back to the coffee pot and set it back down, before turning and handing Lena a cup.

 

            Murmuring something about getting changed too, Kara disappeared for a minute, before returning in her own bathrobe, and they ended up on the kitchen floor, a packet of cookies on the floor between them, sitting across from each other as they each leant back against a kitchen cupboard, legs stretched out and the music still quietly playing in the background.

 

            In the early hours of the morning, they clung to the lingering moments of their first date, neither one of them suggesting that they go to bed, and Kara made them a pot of tea after their coffee was reduced to dregs at the bottom of their cups and all that remained of their cookies were a few crumbs left in the packet. Tiredness descended on them and they were mostly quiet, enjoying the soothing presence of each other as they listened to the music and occasionally spoke. Lena would’ve been content to stay there forever, drinking tea and softly talking when the need arose, feeling peaceful at heart and the blooming love between the two of them almost palpable in the air. 

 

            “Oh, it’s  _ late _ late,” Kara said a long while later, glancing towards the windows and glass door peeking out at the balcony and the city beyond. 

 

            The sky was a dark grey, already a few shades lighter than night, and Lena blinked back the burning tiredness in her eyes as she smiled, reaching out for Kara’s hand and taking it in her own, gently rubbing her thumb over Kara’s knuckles. Dawn was already rapidly approaching, with no sight of sleep for the two of them as they seemed to dwell in the night of their first date, stretching it out for as long as they could. Climbing to her feet, Lena urged Kara up to her feet as well and gave her a crooked smile.

 

            “Watch the sunrise with me.”

 

            She didn’t protest or say that she was tired, and Lena saw the same sort of spark in Kara’s blue eyes as she looked into them, before Kara started tugging her towards the balcony door. They stepped out into the cool air of the mid-August pre-dawn and quietly moved towards the low balcony wall. The city was quiet, the street abandoned for the time being, and they stood shoulder to shoulder as they leant against the railing, eyes uplifted towards the grey sky above as a gentle breeze ruffled their hair and tugged at their silk bathrobes, which rippled and flapped in the soft wind. Together, they watched as the sky turned purple, then pink and scarlet and the world came alive beneath their very eyes, and Lena thought that there was no better way to greet the day. With the warmth of Kara’s body pressed up beside her, she realised that this was how she wanted to spend every sunrise with her. Every sunrise and every day. The two of them and Laurel and the quiet calmness of love that wrapped her in its warm embrace. And the best part was that she  _ could _ have it. 

 

            With a sudden rush of love filling her, Lena boldly wrapped an arm around Kara’s shoulders and rested her head on the surprised blonde’s shoulder, feeling her freeze slightly at the unexpected gesture, before Lena felt her relax beneath her touch and the slight pressure of Kara’s cheek rested on top of her head. Nestled up against Kara, Lena softly smiled to herself as they stood there in silence, wrapped up in their thoughts as they watched the early-autumn day spring to life before them. It was the perfect way to end a first date.


	38. Chapter 38

            Things easily clicked into place after that first date, as if they’d been teetering on the edge for the longest time and had finally fallen in completely, and not just in love with each other, but fallen into life with each other, to the fullest extent. Lena signed the necessary paperwork to resign at the DEO, turning in her badge and gun and handing over the keys to the company car. Kara was cleared for work after a couple of months of rest and relaxation, working odd hours as she saved lives, and Laurel went back to school in the fall, for the new year.

 

            September passed by quietly, the weather cooling slightly and bringing light showers with it as November approached. Lena found herself sleeping in Kara’s bed every night, until one day her clothes were hanging up beside the pastel cardigans, tweed skirts and flannel shirts, and they found themselves with a guest room. Their gentle touches grew bolder, wishful kisses became commonplace, but no less thrilling, and Lena found herself relaxing around Kara in a way she hadn’t in forever. There was no worrying about her fingers lingering for too long on Kara’s hand, or whether it would create some awkwardness between them if they saw each other in various stages of undress. They were in love, and they didn’t have to hide anymore, from anyone, including each other. 

 

            As December crept upon them, they made preparations for their first Christmas as a couple, putting up their tree as a family, making a whole day of it one weekend when Kara was off work. They baked gingerbread and filled the apartment with its homely smell as they strung lights and baubles on the tree. Over the following couple of weeks, presents wrapped with festive paper and tied with ribbons piled up beneath the tree, the weather turned cold, and they built a fire in the hearth most nights, Christmas music flooding in from the kitchen as they played scrabble in front of the flickering warmth, both women helping Laurel spell out words when she got stuck. It was the best holidays that Lena could remember having, made all the more better when she woke up beside Kara each morning, or fell asleep beside her at night.

 

            For the first time, they shared a kiss as they watched the New Year roll in at Sam’s house, all of their friends gathered together to drink the night away. With her daughter asleep upstairs, carried upstairs by Kara after making her best attempt to make it to midnight, Lena found herself enjoying herself, wrapped up in Kara’s arms, drinking champagne and laughing with her friends. It was everything she’d ever wanted for herself, that safety and love, the simple act of having fun, having a family.

 

            They moved quickly, as if making up for lost time, which they’d wasted plenty of, and it was strange to Lena how much things stayed the same, yet how different they were. In a sense, all those years she’d lived with Kara, raising her daughter with her, sharing everything with her, had been exactly the same as things were now. It was the small things that had changed. It made Lena realise just how much she’d loved Kara without even knowing it, how much they’d shared already before they’d even known about their true feelings.

 

            It was mid-February, a mild winter’s day in National City when Lena found herself home with Laurel on a Saturday morning. Things had been going so great in her life that she sometimes forgot all of the hardships she’d been through to get there. Her life was a completely different story to how it had been that time the year before, and she’d even recently started a new part-time job as a family therapist at a nearby clinic, wryly judging herself to be qualified to deal with even the messiest of clients that would come through her door, and she found herself settling into a good routine. She dropped her daughter off to school every morning, picked her up in the afternoon and spent every weekend with her. When Kara was off work they went out as a family, visiting museums and parks, ice skating rinks and bowling alleys, or just going for breakfast at Winn’s diner, and she cherished those moments of ordinary happiness.

 

            But there were days like that morning where she found memories nagging at her, threading their way through her mind and interrupting her thoughts with their sudden arrival. In peaceful moments, her mind would turn to her family upon occasion, or more pressingly, her mother. She hadn’t seen Lillian since that day at Lex’s funeral, and although she knew that her mother was still in the protection of the DEO, she felt restless with not knowing how she was. It wasn’t so much that Lena worried about her wellbeing, but it was the unfinished business between them. She felt like there were still things unsaid between them, and she found herself unsettled by it at times.

 

            That morning, as she listened to her daughter splash around in the bath, the door open so she could hear her from the laundry room next door while she ironed clothes and put on a load of washing, she made the grim decision to go and visit her mother. It was a sudden decision, nearly surprising her, although she’d been silently deliberating for a couple of weeks now, she felt like it was the right decision for herself. She  _ needed _ this.

 

            Once she’d let Laurel linger in the bath for long enough, Lena made her way into the bathroom and quietly snorted with laughter as she looked at her daughter buried amidst a mountain of bubbles that were still lingering. “Come on, trouble, time to get out?”

 

_             “Why?” _

 

            “We’re going to visit someone that mommy knows,” Lena patiently replied.

 

            “Do  _ I _ know them?”

 

            “No. No, you don’t. But … it’s their birthday, so we’re going to go and see them together, okay?”

 

            Nodding, Laurel splashed the water and smiled up at Lena, her dark hair curling even further in the humidity of the hot bath, a gap in her smile where a tooth had fallen out. She stopped splashing suddenly and her expression turned serious. “Mommy? If it’s your friends birthday, we should make them a cake. Like you make mine and Aunt Kara’s.”

 

            Pausing, Lena hesitated for a moment, before she gave Laurel a tender smile, grabbing a towel off the rack and crossing the bathroom to hold the towel out. Her daughter climbed out and let Lena wrap her in the towel before her mother cupped her chin in her hand and smiled down at her, nose wrinkling slightly as her eyes creased at the corners. “How about … we make some cupcakes and we take one, yeah?”

 

            “Yeah!”

 

            “Okay, but we have to be quick,” Lena said, quickly kissing her daughter on her haywire curls, realising with startling surprise that her little girl wasn’t quite so little anymore, reaching up to her chest now.

 

            She set her daughter’s clothes out for her in her room and left her to get dressed, smiling when Laurel came out with her shirt buttoned up wrong and the zip of her skirt on her right hip. Laughing, she straightened up her daughter’s outfit and then ushered her into the kitchen, where she already had everything needed for cupcakes spread across the counters. 

 

            They spent an hour mixing ingredients in a large bowl, picking the colour of the frosting - Laurel insisted on purple - and watching the cupcakes rise in their cases through the oven door as the apartment filled with the sweet smell of them. Once they’d cooled down, they were iced, and Laurel sprinkled little candy stars over them before one was carefully sealed in a Tupperware container. 

 

            Donning their coats, Lena held her daughter's hand and led her down to the sub-level garage, and made sure Laurel’s belt was buckled properly before she drove out into the city. It was mid-morning, the rush hour long since past, but the city was still clogged with its usual traffic and it took her half an hour to make it through the congestion and past the inner city limits. The soaring buildings gave way to the suburbs, which gave way to the sparsely populated outer limits of the city, and she drove with a brooding look on her face as she listened to the radio.

 

            She stopped outside a wrought-iron gate and gave her name at the intercom before the gates slid apart and she was admitted. Laurel looked around eagerly as Lena drove up the long driveway, trees shading the car with their sprawling canopy, and she felt uneasy as the house came into sight. Calling it a house was an understatement, and Lena frowned as she pulled up outside the detached garage, big enough to hold ten cars. 

 

            As she killed the engine and climbed out of the car, helping her daughter out of the back of the sleek Mercedes, a stern-looking man dressed in a black uniform appeared from around the side of the building. Lena vaguely recognised him and politely greeted him as she took Laurel’s hand. He was a DEO agent, and he was all business as he nodded his head towards the way he’d come and told her to follow him.

 

            Feeling uneasy in the shadow of the sprawling mansion, recalling memories of weekends spent there when her father had wanted to get away from the nearby city, and she swallowed thickly, her mouth going dry as she was led around the side. Past the west wing of the building, she bypassed the outdoor pool and the overgrown gardens, no longer carefully maintained by a groundskeeper, and locked eyes onto the guest house. It was a long building, built out of the same grey bricks as the house behind her, with the same peaked slate roof and arched windows, and she squared her shoulders as she was led towards it.

 

            Another armed guard stood beside the polished oak door, giving her a curt nod at her arrival, and she spotted two more pacing back and forth on either side of the building. There would be at least one more on the other side of the house. A constant rotation of guards, keeping a watchful eye on Lillian, as well as ensuring that any hostile gang members didn’t come for revenge. No doubt word had spread that it was Lillian who had gathered everyone together at her brother’s funeral, luring them straight into a trap she’d helped the DEO plan. The Luthor mansion was just far enough out of the city for it to go unnoticed, and it wasn’t on any of her family’s books as a public residence for them. Her mother was being kept right under their noses and no one had any idea, yet.

 

            Without knocking, the agent opened the front door and stood aside for Lena to walk in, before closing it behind her. Feeling a little nervous at being inside there, with the dark panelled walls and stone floor, the exposed beams of the high ceiling and antique furniture bringing back so many memories, Lena slowly walked further into the building. It sported two guest bedrooms, a private ensuite for each room, a full kitchen and dining room, and a sitting room and bar. She didn’t have to think too hard about which room her mother would be in.

 

            Moving through the building, she came to a stop in the doorway to the sitting room and bar, hesitating slightly before she raised a hand and knocked on the doorframe. “Hello?”

 

            Much as she expected, Lillian was inside, and as Lena poked her head into the room, taking in the deep sofas, the low coffee table with the chessboard and the long wooden bar at the far end of the room, a figure seated on a stool before the bar slowly swivelled around to face her. It was clear from the look on her face that Lillian hadn’t been expecting her, and Lena shuffled her feet as she lingered in the doorway, Laurel behind her and out of sight for the moment.

 

            “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” Lillian said, her voice defeated and tired. 

 

            Stepping further into the room, gently tugging her daughter in after her, Lena faced her mother from across the space between them and watched Lillian’s eyes widen. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet,” Lena softly said, her voice uncertain as she glanced down at her daughter. 

 

            Resting a hand on her shoulder, almost reassuring herself that her daughter was hers and wasn’t going to be hurt, Lena glanced back up at Lillian. “This is Laurel.”

 

            Turning shy, Laurel moved slightly behind Lena, pressing her face into the fabric of her coat, and Lena soothingly rubbed her shoulder as she smiled down at her. A flicker of movement caught her attention and she looked up as her mother slid off her stool and took a few steps towards Lena, a look of curiosity in her sunken eyes. As she drew closer, Lena could see just how badly her brother’s death had affected her mother. There was a haunted look about her, cheeks sunken and skin sallow, a stoop to her proud shoulders that hadn’t been there before and a few more lines to her face. Her hair was threaded with grey and she looked tired. So tired that it startled Lena.

 

            Crouching down, Lena gently rubbed her daughter’s arm as she put an arm around her and leant in close, a small smile curling her lips. “Laurel, this is your grandma.”

 

            “Grandma?” her daughter said, brow wrinkling with confusion.

 

            Warily approaching, Lillian stopped a few feet away, standing there for a moment before crouching down slightly and extending a shaky hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

 

            Lena stayed crouched beside Laurel, neither urging her daughter forward or pulling her backwards. She left the decision up to Laurel, and her alone, and after a moment of shy shuffling, her daughter stepped forward and slipped her tiny hand into Lillian’s, giving it a shake as she gave her a gap-toothed smile. 

 

            “Happy birthday, Grandma. I brought you a present.”

 

            Surprise flitted across the older woman’s face, and she recoiled slightly, withdrawing her hand as Laurel held out the Tupperware container she’d had tucked in the crook of her elbow. Looking down at the plastic container, Lillian hesitated, before reaching out for the container. She slowly tugged the lid off and looked down at the chocolate cupcake with purple starry frosting, and Lena watched her swallow thickly as she climbed to her feet, standing behind her daughter with a blank look on her face. She didn’t know what her mother was thinking and she was tense and agitated as her eyes darted around the room, glancing back at her mother as Lillian put the lid back on.

 

            “It’s a lovely gift, thank you. I’ll have it after my dinner.”

 

            Her voice was slightly hoarse and there was a cautious look in Lillian’s green eyes as she briefly met Lena’s stare. Softly clearing her throat, Lena took a step forward and rested her hand on her daughter’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

 

            “Hey sweetie, how about you go and take a seat on the sofa while I help Grandma put her cake in the fridge, okay?” Lena murmured.

 

            “Okay,” her daughter smiled up at her, and Lena smoothed her dark hair down and kissed her on the top of her head, before ushering her towards the wide sofa upholstered in soft, worn leather.

 

            She watched her daughter go, staring after her as Laurel took a seat and sat primly on the cushions, staring at the marble chess set in the middle of the coffee table. Glancing back at Lillian, she caught her mother staring at the little girl too, a slight crease between her eyebrows.

 

            Taking a step towards her, Lena nodded towards the bar and Lillian turned and walked towards it too, her daughter a step behind her. As she approached the length of polished wood, Lena realised that all the shelves behind were bare. They’d taken away all of the alcohol, all of the expensive shorts and bottles of decade-old wine, and she eyed the haggard look on her mother’s face once more, realising that she must be completely sober, for months now. It would’ve been even harder for her to cope with Lex’s death without a glass of wine or scotch and she felt a flicker of sympathy stir within as she watched Lillian move towards the mini fridge and set the container inside. 

 

            There were bottles of sparkling water inside and her mother took two, the glass clinking, and set them down on the bar. She rounded the end of the bar and took a seat on one of the stools. Lena stayed standing, leaning against the wall near the opening of the bar. 

 

            “She has your eyes,” Lillian softly said after a moment, “the shape. Your father’s eyes. Your brother’s. Not much else, but she has that.”

 

            Lena didn’t reply, she just pushed off the wall and took a slow step forward, taking one of the bottles off the counter and twisting the cap off. She took a sip to busy herself so she wouldn’t have to reply.

 

            “He never stopped wondering who her father was, you know. I think some part of him knew that if he found him, he’d have a way to get custody, to get you home. He had a room for her, all pink with dolls.”

 

            “Her favourite colour is blue,” Lena said.

 

            “Well, we were never going to be a family again,” Lillian said with bitterness, “I don’t think we ever really  _ were _ . Your father broke us all apart, and we were too far gone for your brother to put us back together. He was too far gone to even realise that what he was doing wasn't a _kindness._ It was a nice thought though, that we’d all heal each other with your father gone, but … there are some wounds that never heal.”

 

            Lena quietly laughed, no humour in the sound, but no coldness either. “I should thank you; I don’t think I ever would’ve been able to truly leave if you didn’t kick me out.”

 

            Her mother’s face spasmed slightly, flinching as if with pain, before returning to its lost, blank look. “I’m sorry for that, but … perhaps it was for the best,” she glanced over at Laurel as she finished speaking. “How is she? Are you- do you need anything?”

 

            “We’re both fine,” Lena murmured, not bothering to ask where her mother planned to get them help from. As far as Lena was aware, her family’s assets had been frozen, everything seized and repossessed, including whatever of Lena’s belongings they’d kept when she’d left. 

 

            “That’s … good. Good.”

 

            “Laurel, don’t touch that,” Lena suddenly called out as she glanced up and saw her daughter reaching out to pick up one of the neatly arranged chess pieces on the marble board. 

 

            Lillian looked up and watched as her granddaughter quickly pulled her hand back, chastened, and her lips twitched slightly as her tired eyes softened with amusement. “It’s okay,” she said, glancing at Lena, before walking towards the sofa.

 

            Softly sighing, Lena gripped her bottle of sparkling water and followed after her mother, a brooding look on her face as she eyed her back, watching her walk towards the little girl sitting down and taking a seat across from her. Lena stayed standing, taking in the scene before her.

 

            “It’s okay,” Lillian repeated, “do you play chess, Laurel?”

 

            “No.”

 

            “Oh, well, would you like me to teach you how to play?”

 

            Glancing up at Lena, her daughter gave her a hopeful look, and Lena bit back another sigh, resigning herself to the fact that her visit was going to be much longer than she’d originally anticipated. Nodding, she moved to take a seat beside her daughter and relaxed against the cushions as she let her mother’s voice wash over her as she started to explain how chess worked. 

 

            Two hours passed by in the blink of an eye, and Lena found herself feeling less tense as she became sucked into the game of chess that was happening in front of her. Her daughter smiled constantly, laughing with delight whenever Lillian helped her capture one of her own pieces, and excitedly glancing up at Lena every so often. She couldn’t help but find her cold indifference towards her mother thawing slightly as her daughter’s happiness forced her to engage with them. Still, by the time that they wrapped up their final game, Lena was relieved that it was over and quickly climbed to her feet before her daughter eagerly sought out another game.

 

            “Well, we’d better get going now,” she slowly said, “what do you say to Grandma for teaching you?”

 

            “Thank you, Grandma!”

 

            Lillian let out a quiet chuckle, stiffly and slowly climbing to her feet, “you’re welcome.”

 

            “How about you put back all the pieces properly,” Lena suggested, giving Laurel a smile.

 

            Eagerly jumping at the task, her daughter started to put back the white and black pieces where she’d learned they were supposed to go, while the two women watched for a moment before Lena started to wander towards the door and her mother drifted after her.

 

            “She’s … a character,” Lillian quietly said, a curious look in her eyes as she watched her granddaughter from across the room.

 

            “She is.”

 

            “Thank you for bringing her here. I know how strongly you always felt about keeping her away. I’m not sure what changed your mind, but … it was nice to meet her.”

 

            Running a hand through her hair, Lena half-heartedly shrugged, a perturbed look on her face as she glanced at her daughter. “I took your son away from you,” she slowly replied, “I can’t imagine how that would feel, but I know I couldn’t- I couldn’t bear it if she … well, it was the least I could do to let you meet what’s left of your family.”

 

            “He hurt her, didn’t he?” Lillian softly said.

 

            “His man did, yes,” Lena replied in a clipped tone, her discomfort growing at the turn the conversation had taken.

 

            They were silent for a few moments, watching the little girl move knights and rooks and pawns into place on the checkerboard, pausing every so often as she tried to remember the right positions. Finally, her mother let out a pent up breath and turned back to face Lena.

 

            “You don’t owe me your forgiveness, Lena, not for anything,” Lillian said, giving her a rueful smile, “I know I wasn’t a good mother to you. I did the best with what I had, and it wasn’t enough. Go. Don’t feel like you owe me anything, not even for stopping _him_. Just … if there’s a single good memory you have of me, think of it sometimes and know that I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness.”

 

            Swallowing thickly, Lena nodded, feeling a wave of relief wash over her as some of the tension inside her dissipated. Turning to Laurel, she beckoned her daughter over to her. “Come and say goodbye to Grandma.”

 

            Climbing up from her spot on the sofa, Laurel skipped towards them and surprised both women by throwing her hands around Lillian’s legs and hugging her as she beamed up at her. “Bye Grandma.”

 

            “Oh,” Lillian murmured, gingerly patting the little girl on the head, looking impossibly tall as she stood over her with a troubled look in her eyes, “goodbye, Laurel. It was … enlightening to meet you.”

 

            Lena’s lips curled up into a faint smile, which grew as her daughter stepped back and turned to her, giving her a bright smile. Holding a hand out, Lena rubbed her daughter’s back as Laurel hugged her around her waist. Smiling down at her, Lena gave her a gentle squeeze before letting her go.

 

            “How about you go and wait by the front door while I say goodbye, yeah?”

 

            “Okay!”

 

            Her daughter skipped off, eager to explore the rest of the house as she made her way towards the door, leaving Lena in the sitting room with her mother. They stood across from each other, just a few feet apart, and Lena found herself mute. 

 

            “Goodbye, Lena,” Lillian said, giving her a piercing look, green eyes flickering with an unreadable emotion. 

 

            Much to Lena’s surprise, she took a step forward and reached up to cup her cheek in her hand, standing a few inches taller than her daughter. Her hand was cool and soft against her cheek and Lena swallowed, her mouth going dry as she met her mother’s eyes.

 

            “Be a good mother to her. She is the very best parts of you.”

 

            The hand was gone just as quickly as it had come, leaving the ghost of her mother’s touch on Lena’s cheek, and she stood there for a moment, feeling confused before she slowly nodded. It was a nod of resignation, realising that perhaps this was it for her and her mother, and Lena found herself at peace with that thought. Whatever was left unsaid between them, she put it to bed, and she even managed a small smile as she looked at Lillian once more.

 

            “Goodbye, mom.”

 

            She left the room without further comment and met her daughter by the front door, holding out a hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. Opening the heavy wooden door, she said goodbye to the guards and followed the path back towards the mansion, playfully swinging her and her daughter’s hands between them as she shaded her eyes against the weak sunlight. Steely grey clouds lingered on the horizon and the air smelled slightly damp as if it was going to rain soon. Breathing in deeply, Lena forcefully exhaled and felt her shoulders sag as she walked back towards her car.

 

            Buckling her daughter in, she climbed into the driver’s seat and clipped her seatbelt in, glancing back over her shoulder to take in the brown eyes, raven hair and tanned skin, her daughter fiddling with an action figure that had been left in the car. 

 

            “Hey, what do you want to do today? We can do anything you want to.”

 

            “Anything?” Laurel asked, eyes brightening as she perked up.

 

            Smiling, Lena nodded, “anything.”

 

            “Can we feed the ducks?”

 

            Looking out of the windscreen, taking in the cloudy skies and the drab look of the day, she smiled to herself and put the car into drive, the wheels crunching on gravel as the reversed the trip back down the tree-lined driveway and out through the gates, which stood open for her. 

 

            Driving back towards National City, the skyline grey against the dull sky, Lena passed through the neat suburbs and the grimy warehouses and docks on the outskirts of the inner city district, before she made her way to their favourite park. Despite how cold it was, they bought gelato at the store across the street, before winding their way through flower beds sporting winter plants, leaves blowing across the concrete path as they wound their way through the trees. Lena couldn’t help but recall memories of her brother whenever they came here, but holding onto her daughter’s hand, she felt comforted by her presence and realised that the memories of him weren’t a threat anymore.

 

            They spent the rest of the afternoon by the lake, watching the surface ripple in the breeze, ducks lazily swimming in circles and breaking the tranquil silence with their quacking. Laurel wanted to go to the playground too, and Lena pushed her on the swings for a while, before watching her swing across the monkey bars and make her way down the slide a dozen times. It was a peaceful afternoon, and when they finally left, the thought of dinner calling them home, Lena found herself tired in the best way possible, run down from a day of chasing after her daughter and playing with her at the park.

 

            She was making paella when Kara’s key sounded in the lock, the door opening to reveal the weary-looking paramedic dressed in her navy uniform. A soft smile lit up Kara’s face as she stepped inside and saw Lena in the kitchen, Laurel sitting at the kitchen table finishing up her math homework as Lena helped her with the simple equations she called out, and she set her heavy first aid kit down beside the door as she shed her heavy coat.

 

            Smiling, Lena put down the wooden spoon she was using to stir the pan, turning to greet Kara with a quick kiss, before Laurel bounded over to hug Kara and beg her help with her homework. While she finished up cooking dinner, Kara showered and then had Laurel’s homework finished off for her by the time that Lena was plating up the food. The three of them ate together at the dinner table and Kara regaled them with the less gruesome stories about her day, while Lena skimmed over her and Laurel’s day with a brief description about their fun at the park.

 

            After dinner, they cleaned up while Laurel watched cartoons in the living room, Lena washing dishes while Kara dried and put them away. They did so in comfortable silence, for the most part, making plans to have dinner with Alex and Maggie sometime the following week, and debating whether or not they should buy a new coffee machine. After making themselves some coffee, and Kara relenting and agreeing with Lena that maybe they should get a newer machine, they joined Laurel in the living room and sat down to watch cartoons with her, sitting either end of the sofa with the little girl in the middle. Kara draped a blanket over them all and they watched  _ Kim Possible _ until it was time for Laurel to go to bed.

 

            She insisted that Kara tuck her in, and Lena kissed her goodnight and smiled as she watched her make her way out of the room with the blonde in tow. Draining her coffee, she tidied up in the living room and put hers and Kara’s cups in the sink, before making her way outside onto the balcony to breathe in the cool air as the sun started to descend. It was a while later when she heard the door open behind her and Kara stepped out to join her.

 

            “What’s on your mind?”

 

            Lena glanced back over her shoulder at the voice behind her, her expression softening as she smiled at Kara. “Hm?”

 

            Quietly chuckling, Kara walked over to her and wrapped her arms around Lena’s waist, pressing up against her back and giving her a slight squeeze. “You always come out here when you have something on your mind. Or you can’t sleep, because … something’s on your mind.”

 

            Letting out a soft sigh, Lena smiled slightly as she ran a hand through her hair, leaning back against Kara’s warmth as she looked out at the city. Cars honked in the distance, the smell of spices and wet stone from the lingering damp of the day surrounding them and purples and steely blues painting the sky as dusk set in and blanketed the city in a quietness. 

 

            “Is Ducky asleep?”

 

            “Yeah,” Kara murmured, a smile in her voice, “I had to read her  _ five _ chapters of Matilda before she drifted off. She was telling me about how she went to meet her Grandma today.”

 

            Stiffening slightly, Lena pressed her lips into a flat line, ducking her head down as she looked down at the streetlights that flickered to life below, casting circles of light on the sidewalk as the sky darkened. “Ah.”

 

            Silence engulfed them for a few moments before Kara’s arms tightened around Lena for a moment. “So, how did it go?”

 

            Biting her lip, Lena hesitated, before sighing. “It was … okay.”

 

            “What made you change your mind about introducing Laurel to her?”

 

            “I don’t know,” Lena murmured, sounding mildly surprised as she answered the question, “I just … I guess I wanted her to see that our family didn’t start and end with him. She has a daughter and a granddaughter, and we’re doing just fine without him. We always have.”

 

            “And was that … comforting for her?”

 

            Shrugging, Lena snorted, “I doubt it, but she taught Laurel to play chess. She didn’t seem quite as lost, as if having a child put in front of her kind of … brought back memories.”

 

            “Well that’s something,” Kara encouragingly replied, “do you think you’ll see her again?”

 

            “I don’t know. I feel like that part of my life is gone. There’s nothing there for me anymore, and I just- I want to forget. She’s on the outskirts of every bad memory I have of my family. I don’t think there’s much of a future there for us, and I’m … I’m okay with that. I have my family - the one  _ I _ chose - and I want to put all of my energy into that.”

 

            “Well, okay then.”

 

            Biting her lip, Lena was silent for a moment. “We said goodbye, and all I felt was relief.”

 

            Hugging her closer from behind, Kara kissed the side of her neck, making Lena squirm slightly as it tickled, a smile pulling up the corners of her mouth, and she sighed softly.

 

            “What do you need from me?” Kara quietly asked, her breath tickling Lena’s cheek as she closed her eyes.

 

            “I don’t need anything from you, you’re already enough,” Lena whispered, hugging herself as she leant back against Kara. 

 

            And it was true. They stood outside together in the lingering moments of sunlight, before night snatched it away from them, the smell of rain in the air, and Lena felt a calmness settle inside her as a weight was lifted off her shoulders. Her life now was enough for her and there was a certain sense of comfort in knowing that everything was okay now. There was only forward.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you soo much!! i know it's been a bit of a long ride and i'm grateful to all of you that stuck it out!

            Weeks passed by, and February turned into March, Lena’s birthday came and went, and winter faded into spring with a burst of flowers and a turn in the weather. With summer on the horizon, the dark, painful memories of the last year were pushed to the back of everyone’s minds, and aside from the pale scars on the ribs of Kara and Laurel, no one would have even known what had happened. Everything felt perfect, so perfectly normal that Lena found herself becoming a new person once more, not quite the distrustful, cynical teenage mother who’d been brought home like a stray cat, and not quite the anxious, mother who’d learned how to love and trust over the years. She was something else. Unapologetically happy, full to the brim with adoration for her family, and love for her friends - people who she trusted wholeheartedly, and who had been through the worst with her - she found the person that she was when she was in love was agreeable to her.

 

            It was strange to think that she’d thought of herself as a lonely person, condemned to bear the burden of her family’s legacy on her back, watching other people love and be loved while she tried her best to be a good mother to the daughter she’d never asked for, but had loved and protected fiercely. It was strange to wake up in her and Kara’s bed, in their apartment, with Kara’s arm a dead weight across her chest, feeling so content with things as she lingered in bed, under the embrace of the sleeping woman, for as long as she could. There was a simple joy in walking hand-in-hand down the street with her daughter and her girlfriend or playing  _ Uno _ while they ate pizza in the living room, the three of them laughing as they competitively played round after round. She loved the stolen moments where she took Laurel to the park to ride her bike, or the rare nights that Kara had off work and Alex or Sam took Laurel, and the two of them would go out for dinner and enjoy dates that went marginally better than their first one. There was a simple joy in laughing and knowing that there wasn’t any danger lurking around the corner.

 

            She felt free, wandering the streets without suspicion, breathing in the fresh air as she enjoyed her life in the most uncomplicated manner. In a moment of light-hearted happiness, Lena suggested that they take a vacation. It didn’t take much convincing to get Kara to agree to take two weeks holiday over the summer break, and at the end of May, when the weather was starting to get blisteringly hot, the three of them packed their bags and caught a flight to Florida, making their way to Sanibel Island like they had a few years back, when things had been messy and dangerous and Lena had been afraid.

 

            This time, they flew instead of driving, not needing to worry about the airport being watched, and made their way to the beachfront shacks that they’d stayed in last time. They’d booked the exact same one, the one from Kara’s childhood, and Lena looked at the peeling peach paint and white trim with a fondness. It was more like a fondness for the following two weeks, with the knowledge that this time they’d be able to enjoy themselves completely, without a care in the world, and the thought of making more memories at the place that was so special to Kara. It would be their place now.

 

            As Lena stepped into the cabin, finding it much the same as last time, with the yellow kitchen cupboards, the sagging blue couch and the same round laminate table, scarred with use, she smiled faintly, recalling days spent at the beach, her attempt at fishing, and arguing with Kara. It felt so long ago already. As she looked around, she could envision a younger version of Kara too, around Laurel’s age but hair bleached by the sun and skin golden from hours spent at the beach with her parents, and she turned to look at her, taking in the sad look in Kara’s blue eyes as they swept around the place, remembering those memories. As she met Lena’s eyes, the sadness vanished though and she gave her a bright smile, walking over to her and giving her a quick kiss.

 

            “Beach?”

 

            “Of course,” Lena said, her hand trailing across Kara’s shoulders and back as she brushed past her and dumped their bags on the floor in the bedroom. 

 

            They all quickly changed into their bathing suits, grabbed towels, books and sunscreen and were following the well-trodden earthen path between the row of pastel cabins to where the earth gave way to sand and the sea sparkled in the distance beneath an azure sky. Breathing in the briny smell, Lena smiled as she shook her towel out in the shade of a tree bordering the beach and donned a floppy hat, before rubbing lotion on her daughter’s skin and doing the same for Kara.

 

            Within minutes, she found herself alone with the company of a book as she watched Kara chase Laurel right into the arms of the sea, shrieks of delight and surprise drifting towards her as cold water washed over them both. Quietly chuckling to herself, she shook her head and lay back on her elbows, watching them play for a few moments, their hair plastered to their wet skin as they splashed water in each other’s direction and dove beneath the waves.

 

            The first week passed by in a blur of such days, most of their time spent at the beach, going for walks through the small town and visiting wildlife conservation centres and the beach full of little shells, which Laurel collected in a bucket, and Lena felt more relaxed than ever. While not quite tanned, there was a glow about her, a look of restfulness as she strolled down streets at dusk, holding Kara’s hand as they picked a local restaurant to eat at, dining on freshly caught seafood as they sat on the deck overlooking the sea and the stretch of pale sand. They watched the sunset and sat on their front porch, playing cards in the yellow halo of light offered by the porchlight. Kara tried surfing, and Lena taught Laurel what little she remembered about fishing. 

 

            She felt like their trip couldn’t get any better. And then it surprised her, one day by the beach, catching her completely unawares as she watched Laurel carefully, making sure that she wasn’t swimming out too far. Kara was sitting beside her and the sky looked like it was on fire, the sun a dazzling yellow as it descended on the cloudless sky. They’d had a slow morning, cooking bacon and eggs in the sunny kitchen, relaxing on the porch all day until they’d decided to come to the beach for the afternoon, and after swimming around in the sea with her daughter, Lena had settled down on her sandy towel to dry off and watch the sunset.

 

            Kara had joined her, leaning back on her elbows as she stretched her tanned legs out before her, looking like she didn’t have a care in the world. Lena eyed the pale scar that spanned her stomach, following the curve of her ribcage and jutting up over her sternum, and a flicker of regret welled up before she quickly pushed it aside. It wasn’t a day for sad thoughts; she was here with the woman she loved, and the daughter she loved above all else, and they were safe and happy. There was nothing else she cared about, nothing else that she wanted. 

 

            Until Kara turned to look at her, her blue eyes intense all of a sudden and shifted into an upright sitting position as she reached for the bag they’d brought with them. Enjoying the lingering warmth offered up by the sinking sun, Lena closed her eyes and tilted her head back, her dark, salt-stained hair tumbling down past her shoulders, and she let out a sigh of contentedness, listening to the quiet sound of Kara rummaging through the bag.

 

            “I, um, I have something for you,” Kara softly interrupted her, and Lena peered through half-lidded eyes to find her forehead creasing with worry as she pulled something out of the beach bag, before shuffling closer to Lena. Pushing herself up into a sitting position as well, Lena found Kara sitting on her knees before her, face to face with her. 

 

            Extending her cupped hands, she presented the little square, velvet box to her with an apprehensive look on her face. Lena’s eyes widened, giving her an owlish look as she blinked in surprise. A ring box typically usually meant one thing, and her stomach lurched as she quickly glanced up to meet Kara’s eyes. Giving her a nervous smile, Kara flipped the lid up to reveal the ring nestled in the velvet folds of the fabric inside. It was a pear-shaped emerald, the green deep and dark and rich in the sunlight, surrounded by sparkling diamonds and set on a gold band.

 

            Sitting in silence for a moment, Lena reached out to take the ring from the box, holding it delicately between her thumb and forefinger as she watched it wink in the sunshine as her breath caught in her throat. “Which finger is it for?” she eventually asked.

 

            “Whichever one you want it to be for,” Kara softly replied.

 

            Lena gave her a playful smile, pretending to put it on all of her fingers before she slipped it onto her ring finger. “I think it fits this one best,” she quietly said, looking up at Kara and seeing the gleam of happiness in her blue eyes. Hesitating for a moment, Lena slipped the ring back off and set it back into the box, before slowly shutting the lid and cupping Kara’s hands with her own. “But … I can’t wear it yet.”

 

            “Oh.”

 

            She winced slightly at the hurt that flickered in Kara’s eyes, memories of being rejected rising to the surface again, gently pulling her hands out of Lena’s grip. Lena lunged forward in her desperation to placate her, to smooth over the wounded pride, and she quickly took Kara’s hands in her own again and squeezed softly, rubbing her thumb over the bumps of Kara’s knuckles as her eyes crinkled slightly at the corners and a small smile curled her lips.

 

            “No, no. It’s not- just, give me a minute to explain. Let me show you first.”

 

            A wariness dawned on Kara’s face, and a crinkle formed between her eyebrows as she looked up at Lena, who was quickly scrambling to her feet. Extending a hand, Lena gave her an encouraging look and Kara slowly slipped her hand into hers, allowing herself to be pulled to her feet. The sunset was in full display, the sky painted red and pink and orange, and Lena was almost sad to put an end to the perfect tranquillity of the moment, silently cursing herself as she bundled up sandy towels, while Kara packed up their bag.

 

            “Laurel! Come on, we need to go home, baby,” she called out to her daughter, who was frolicking in the nearby shallows, a snorkel and goggles pulled on as she tried to find fishes in the clear water. 

 

            Complaining, her daughter’s shoulders slumped as she splashed out of the sea and trudged up to where her mother was, scowling and covered in sand. Sighing, Lena gave her a stern look, her heart beating quickly in her chest, and wrapped one of the towels she held around her daughter’s thin shoulders.

 

            In silence, the three of them walked back up the sandy path leading towards their faded cabin, and although the tension was thick in the air and Kara brooded nervously, Lena couldn’t help but find the evening peaceful. The sky was darkening ahead of them, the sun sinking lower and lower behind them, and the cabins were plunged into shadow as they quietly crunched sand beneath their feet, walking past damp surfboards and a solitary man scaling fish on the bowed wooden steps of his own cabin. The air smelled of the sea and the lingering heat of the day and Lena found her body thrumming with anticipation as she quickly led them back to their own cabin.

 

            Her feet were loud on the wooden steps as she hurried up them, pulling open the squeaky screen door and jamming her key in the door, nudging it open with her shoulder and stepping into the dim room. She stood aside for Kara and Laurel to come in after her, and sent her daughter off to shower, while she made her way towards the bedroom. Fishing through her belongings, she pulled out a plain manila folder and held it out in front of her as she walked back into the kitchen, where Kara was sitting in a fold-out chair at the round table, toying with the ring box on the laminate surface.

 

            Holding onto the folder tightly, Lena walked towards her and took the seat closest to Kara’s around the round table, before letting out a pent up breath. She kept the folder in her lap, hands gripping it tightly, and gave Kara a wan smile.

 

            “You know that I love you,” she started, struggling to find the words, “but you know that I have to put Laurel first. I always have.”

 

            “I know, and I’m not asking you  _ not _ to do that.”

 

            Quietly laughing, Lena shook her head as she smiled, “I know you’re not. But … I’m asking you to.”

 

            “I  _ do. _ You know that I do. The first time we met, I made the decision to bring you home with me  _ because _ of her. I couldn’t let you sleep on the streets with a newborn baby,” Kara said, a dark look crossing her face. “I think about how it’ll affect her whenever I think about us. I know you’ve always worried about how being with someone else might make things more difficult for Laurel if it ends badly, but … I’m not going anywhere, Lena. I think I just made that overwhelmingly clear. Well, I had  _ hoped _ to, but-”

 

            Expression softening, Lena smiled and opened the folder, pulling out a few pieces of paper stapled together and setting it down on the table. Kara trailed off as she looked at the paper, reaching out for it as she met Lena’s gaze.

 

            “What’s this?”

 

            “I had Alex help me with it,” Lena said, her voice trembling slightly as she swallowed her nervousness. “I know you’re not going anywhere. I don’t want you to. And there was something my mom said the last time I saw her, that Laurel was the very best of me, and it’s been stuck in my mind for weeks now, because I’m cynical and stubborn, and I can be cold and selfish. But you, you’re warm and impossibly kind, constantly full of love and you  _ radiate _ happiness, just like her. So she might be the  _ best _ of me, but she’s  _ all _ of you, and … she deserves a  _ mom _ like you.”

 

            Kara’s eyes had softened as Lena spoke, but as the brunette finished talking, a look of bewilderment crossed her face, until she finally looked down at the paper she held in her hand. Her eyes quickly scanned the front page, before her mouth opened and closed quickly and she looked back up at Lena speechless and with wide eyes.

 

            “It’s a petition for adoption,” Lena hesitantly said. 

 

            “Adoption?” Kara numbly mumbled.

 

            “Alex's been helping me with an adoption lawyer. We- we can submit this if you- well if you wanted to be Laurel's mom. I mean, you’ve been a mom to her since the day she was born,” Lena quietly said, shrugging slightly as a wry smile curled one side of her mouth, “I want to be all in with you, Kara. I don’t want you to think that one day I’m going to leave and take her with me, because she’s might be mine but she’s always been yours too _. _ So before I make my decision, I need you to decide if this is what you want, because-”

 

            “Do you have a pen?” Kara blurted out, rifling through the forms as her blonde hair spilled around her face.

 

            “Wha-”

 

            “A pen. So I can sign the papers.”

 

            Lena made a small choked sound, her eyes stinging slightly as tears threatened to form, and she felt her heart swell with love, quickly scrambling to her feet as she rubbed the back of her hand across her eyes. Gently clearing her throat as a lump formed, she walked over to the TV stand, where a complimentary legal pad and a pen lay, and grabbed the ballpoint before walking back over to the table and handing it to Kara. With a flourish, Kara signed her name on the bottom, flipping through the pages until all the blank dotted lines bore her signature before she closed the papers and neatly tucked them into the manila folder.

 

            The legs of her chair scraped along the floor as she pushed her chair back, and Lena took a step back from the table, where she’d stood and watched Kara sign the papers, and found herself face to face with the blonde. Holding the black box in her hand, Kara flipped the lid open and held it out slowly, her eyes shining slightly as if she was about to cry too.

 

            “You were always a package deal,” Kara said, her voice slightly hoarse as gave Lena a loving look, “I wouldn’t want you without her.”

 

            Reaching out, Lena took the box from her extended hand and pulled the ring out of it, snapping the lid shut and holding the band between her fingers as they fading light seeping in through the shutters  _ just _ managed to make the emerald and diamonds sparkle. 

 

            “I think there’s a question that usually accompanies a ring like this,” Lena said with amusement, her eyes shining as she looked at Kara.

 

            Moving in close, Kara gently took the ring from her and took her left hand in her own, her fingers strong and warm against Lena’s skin, and she smiled, her eyes crinkling slightly at the corners. “Will you marry me?”

 

            Laughing, Lena leant forward as she brought a hand up to cup Kara’s cheek, pressing a featherlight kiss against her lips as she smiled. “Yes,” she murmured against her lips, “yes, yes, of course.”

 

            Kara firmly kissed her back, her fingers threading through Lena’s salt-stained mess of hair, and Lena could feel her smiling into it, before she pulled back, their foreheads resting against each other’s as they laughed. With clumsy eagerness, the fumbled with their hands, until Kara was holding Lena’s in her hand and slid the ring home on her left hand, before raising it to her lips and pressing a soft kiss to the back of it.

 

            “Mommy?”

 

            They pulled apart with a fright before they both looked towards the girl wrapped in a towel, dripping onto the floor as she left a trail of wet footprints out of the bathroom. Lena quickly stepped towards her, biting back a sigh even as she smiled. “I’ll get you your pyjamas now.”

 

            In the bedroom, Lena couldn’t stop smiling as she went through the bag she’d packed for Laurel, pulling out pyjamas for her and rubbing her daughter’s hair dry with the towel, while she sat patiently on the edge of the bed in her nightdress. Kneeling in front of her, Lena pulled back and gave her a bright smile, running a hand through her daughter’s curls before pulling back. The ring on her finger didn’t go unnoticed by Laurel, who reached out to gently touch it.

 

            “It’s pretty. Who gave you that?”

 

            Smiling, Lena fiddled with the ring, glancing down at it before she looked up into her daughter’s dark eyes. “Kara did,” she slowly said, trying to find the words to explain. They’d already explained to her about their relationship, and of course, she’d taken it with her usual excited manner, but this was slightly different. “You know how mommy and Kara love each other very much?”

 

            “Yes.”

 

            “Well, we’re going to get married,” Lena said, wrinkling her nose slightly as she smiled.

 

            Her daughter drummed her feet against the bed frame, brow wrinkling slightly as she gave Lena a serious look. “Does that mean I get  _ two _ mom’s?”

 

            “Oh, well, I mean-,” she glanced over her shoulder and found Kara leaning against the doorframe, an amused look on her face as she nodded slightly. Turning back to her daughter, Lena held her hand in her own and gave her a warm smile, “yes, you will.”

 

            Kara walked into the room and sat down on the bed beside the little girl, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, “but you don’t- you don’t have to call me mom if you don’t want to. You can just call me Kara.”

 

            “Oh, okay.”

 

            They dropped the topic after that, and they went out onto the porch, where Kara grilled hotdogs and burgers on the small portable barbeque that occupied one end of their deck. The sky was dark, the stars sprinkled across the sky and a silver crescent moon luminous against the velvety night sky, and they ate burgers around the tiny folding table while they lounged in their deck chairs. Lena carried the dishes in afterwards and left them in the sink, before heading back out onto the porch.

 

            “Mom?”

 

            “Yes, baby,” Lena said, making her way back over to her chair.

 

            Her daughter let out a light laugh, her eyes crinkling as she gave her mother a gap-toothed smile, “not  _ you _ , silly, my  _ other _ mom.”

 

            She turned towards Kara, who blinked with surprise before realisation dawned on her and she looked at Lena, who was sitting there with a stunned look of amusement on her face. She bit back a smile as she gave Kara an encouraging nod, watching as the blonde straightened up in her seat, chest puffed up slightly as she beamed.

 

            “Yeah?”

 

            “Can we play cards?”

 

            “Oh. Yeah. Yes, of course we can, sweetheart,” Kara said, looking pleased with herself as she produced a pack of weathered cards and they decided on  _ Go Fish _ . 

 

            A rusted radio played bluegrass music and there was a warmth around them as they played cards and chatted, laughing and exclaiming whenever someone took one of their cards, a bubble of happiness enclosing them. Staring down at her hand, she thought back to that first night, all those years ago, when Kara had taken her home and told her she could stay a while, and a slow smile spread across her face as she looked from her daughter to her fianceé, realising that she was staying a bit longer than expected. As she glanced down at the ring on her finger, Lena knew that it would be just the three of them, and she wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.


End file.
